Latest / Questionable Detour / Being a trashy cigarette mom, stealing teeth and toenails, and not knowing the difference between elbows and knees

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Being a trashy cigarette mom, stealing teeth and toenails, and not knowing the difference between elbows and knees · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're gonna make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:24
  This is a situation that I was in not too long ago.
• 0:27
  I was eating dinner and I'd placed my drink down at the head of the table.
• 0:31
  You know, like...
• 0:32
  You were at the head of the table?
• 0:33
  At the head of the table. A power move.
• 0:35
  Yeah.
• 0:35
  You're sitting down in front of all the people that are...
• 0:38
  Not your underlings, but they might as well be just based on their...
• 0:42
  Where their seat is at the table.
• 0:44
  So I get up to get food and when I come back, my cup has been moved.
• 0:48
  Oh, they powered your power play.
• 0:50
  Yeah.
• 0:51
  This guy powered my power play.
• 0:53
  It's like a game of chess.
• 0:55
  My cup was moved, his stuff was put in my spot.
• 0:58
  Oh, he moved into your home completely.
• 1:02
  I didn't fight him.
• 1:03
  I didn't challenge him to any kind of duel.
• 1:06
  Yeah, a duel would be kind of the thing I would assume you would do.
• 1:10
  Okay, well that's what I was gonna ask is what you guys would do in that situation.
• 1:12
  I think a duel would be cool, but not with a normal weapon.
• 1:16
  I mean, it had to be something off the wall.
• 1:19
  You would run the risk of him understanding and being a master of that weapon,
• 1:24
  so you would have to choose something pretty random.
• 1:26
  I feel like if he's somebody that has the confidence and the knowledge of what the
• 1:31
  power the head of the table seat holds, probably a man knows the blade.
• 1:37
  I feel like a sword's out of the question.
• 1:39
  Mace.
• 1:39
  Mace could be good.
• 1:40
  A mace would be good.
• 1:42
  Because you got to know the physics behind it.
• 1:44
  And nothing's more manly than knowing physics.
• 1:48
  They do say that.
• 1:49
  As Stephen Hawking once said, nothing's more manly than physics.
• 1:55
  So yeah, I think a mace.
• 1:56
  What are other things Stephen Hawking probably said?
• 1:59
  That child looks really good.
• 2:02
  I heard you have a private island.
• 2:07
  Gosh, I hope nobody looks at these logs.
• 2:10
  You write our names down, Jeff?
• 2:14
  There's not a better system for this.
• 2:16
  We're gonna track this whole thing.
• 2:18
  Throw that away.
• 2:19
  Throw that away.
• 2:19
  Delete.
• 2:20
  He's not like a Doctor Who villain.
• 2:28
  Do I try to just pull my chair up right beside his?
• 2:30
  At what point does you sitting in his lap become a power move?
• 2:34
  Versus just weird.
• 2:35
  Versus just kind of gay.
• 2:38
  I think you run the risk of a Santa Claus situation.
• 2:42
  Where you sit in his lap and all of a sudden you're asking him for things.
• 2:48
  And he still holds the power.
• 2:51
  Would that be a temptation for you?
• 2:55
  When you sit in another man's lap you're like, just ask him.
• 2:59
  You immediately feel like, okay, I feel like I should ask for something.
• 3:05
  He seems to be in a position to ask for something.
• 3:08
  I think what I should have tried looking back is when he goes to sit down, pull the chair out from under him.
• 3:15
  That's a good one.
• 3:16
  Were you there when you saw him sit down?
• 3:18
  Like a utter fool, I was already sitting in the seat that he moved me to.
• 3:23
  Oh, he was playing mind games with you.
• 3:25
  Yeah.
• 3:25
  Here's what you should have done.
• 3:27
  And I don't mean to act like I should be giving advice here, but here's what you should have done.
• 3:31
  Don't move him out of your seat.
• 3:32
  Crawl behind him while you're sitting in his lap.
• 3:35
  Here's what you should have done. Don't move him out of your seat. Crawl behind him while he's sitting there.
• 3:39
  And just between his back and the chair, you just sit in that spot.
• 3:44
  Perjure top him.
• 3:45
  And just slowly gravity will pull you between him and the chair.
• 3:53
  You're like, your legs are weirdly straddling out the side of the chair.
• 3:57
  And he has to move because his back's now touching all your genitals.
• 4:02
  He's like, this is too warm.
• 4:04
  I think that's what you wed yourself between him and the chair.
• 4:08
  That's a good idea.
• 4:09
  And really then it's like a mental game of chicken.
• 4:11
  You know, who's going to get up first?
• 4:13
  Or I could have just brought a live chicken into the table and just seen how he reacted to that.
• 4:17
  Instead of a mental game of chicken, we could have just had a added a legitimate chicken.
• 4:22
  Well, you challenge him with a chicken.
• 4:24
  You're like, did you bring your chicken?
• 4:25
  Uh-huh. Obviously he didn't. He's not prepared.
• 4:28
  Well, yeah. What if he was, though?
• 4:31
  But what if he you slap your chicken on the table?
• 4:33
  Well, then he slapped an even nicer chicken down the table.
• 4:36
  I mean, just run that risk.
• 4:38
  A firm chicken.
• 4:39
  I think I pull back my jacket where I've got eggs just lining my belt.
• 4:45
  He's come prepared. I've come for war.
• 4:48
  I imagine you're wearing like a duster, like blade.
• 4:51
  But instead of fighting demons, you just have poultry items.
• 4:56
  I've got like the dead chicken tied up by its feet in the in the coat of my duster.
• 5:02
  You don't have your hands through the arms of your duster.
• 5:04
  There's little chicken feet that you're holding.
• 5:06
  So it looks like your hands coming out of the sleeve.
• 5:09
  Like Zach, I don't want to sound like I know everything or I don't want to give you advice here.
• 5:13
  But I do think that mental warfare is stronger than physical warfare.
• 5:18
  So I would say you just get you slap a piece of paper down in front of him.
• 5:21
  And as he unfolds it, he realizes it's in the form of a jeopardy board.
• 5:25
  And then you have Katie or others around you perform the role of Alex Trebek.
• 5:31
  And then you go with for wit in a game of jeopardy to see
• 5:35
  at the end of the night who's going to get that chair.
• 5:37
  I like it. I like it a lot.
• 5:39
  What if you lose to the game of jeopardy that you created?
• 5:43
  He beats you on the questions that you came up with.
• 5:46
  That would be tough.
• 5:47
  Let me ask you some leveling questions here.
• 5:49
  Do I have a third party make the board or do I make the board?
• 5:52
  You make the board.
• 5:53
  OK, OK.
• 5:54
  You have the upper hand, but you also have a dreadful memory.
• 5:57
  So you have the memory of a goldfish.
• 6:01
  That's tough.
• 6:02
  Are you still dressed as poultry blade in this situation?
• 6:05
  Can we combine all of it?
• 6:06
  I think if that's if that's a wardrobe option, I need to be taking it at all times.
• 6:13
  And I got to say, yes, your short term memory is at a loss.
• 6:18
  Like it's nowhere to be found.
• 6:19
  Your long term memory is fine, though.
• 6:21
  So it's basically just a short term memory.
• 6:23
  You better not have any questions on there that you need to have heard the answer within
• 6:26
  like five minutes.
• 6:27
  Yeah.
• 6:28
  But if I like heard him back in first grade.
• 6:30
  Yeah.
• 6:30
  Should be good to go.
• 6:32
  Who did little Timmy like?
• 6:36
  You know, questions that first graders know.
• 6:38
  OK, what if you sat on the table directly in front of him?
• 6:41
  So he's, you know, facing down the length of the table.
• 6:44
  You set your tush right on the table, legs adjacent both ways to him.
• 6:50
  He's looking right down the barrel.
• 6:52
  You know, you talk about a power move.
• 6:54
  He's going to have to do something.
• 6:55
  Well, tell me, tell me this.
• 6:56
  Is it an obvious second place move if I go to the other end of the table
• 7:00
  to sit? Oh, I guess I was because there's still another end of the table.
• 7:04
  Yeah. But he's already taken my spot.
• 7:07
  So I'm just settling for the other.
• 7:09
  It's real beta move.
• 7:11
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 7:13
  Maybe maybe you just it's kind of like a war situation like you're not going to win every
• 7:17
  battle in a war.
• 7:18
  Maybe he won that battle.
• 7:19
  Now you're going to have to come up with another battle at the end of the table.
• 7:22
  Maybe you don't chew your food and you just swallow it all.
• 7:25
  It's very powerful.
• 7:27
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 7:27
  He looks over, it's just you straining to get down a piece of dry chicken.
• 7:33
  It's just vomiting.
• 7:36
  Your face is sweating and straining.
• 7:40
  And then he's got to feel like he's going to have to do that, too.
• 7:43
  You know, to maybe outplay you in a war situation.
• 7:46
  Should I conquer chairs around the table as I try and get back to my other chair?
• 7:51
  Kind of like risk.
• 7:52
  Yes. Yes.
• 7:53
  Do you go to people that die and just roll it right in front of them?
• 7:55
  Be like, I beat you.
• 7:57
  They know what they know what's going on when I bring that when I bring the die over.
• 8:01
  But in that same vein of thought, what if you form a small army against him?
• 8:05
  You recruit people to your side around the table.
• 8:07
  You're like, did you see what happened right there?
• 8:09
  That guy's kind of a dick, right?
• 8:10
  Yeah.
• 8:10
  Like we all hate this guy, right?
• 8:12
  And everybody forms up to take out this one guy at the head of the table.
• 8:15
  Evan suggesting the most classic way banned against him and murder him.
• 8:20
  Yes.
• 8:22
  Correct.
• 8:22
  Classic dinner party.
• 8:23
  What's the what's the personality of the kind of guy that I need on my side?
• 8:29
  It would have to be a guy that gets run over a lot.
• 8:32
  Yeah.
• 8:33
  But he's also willing to do anything.
• 8:35
  Yeah.
• 8:35
  Necessary.
• 8:36
  Which I think if there's a happy medium or there's a happy threshold there of a guy that
• 8:41
  has been run over and power played enough that he's willing to do anything.
• 8:45
  He's he's he's about to snap.
• 8:47
  I got to say I'm kind of that guy.
• 8:49
  Yeah.
• 8:49
  Evan's a bad day away from a school shooter, like also a guy and probably a duster.
• 8:58
  I mean, I'm just saying that's kind of where I'm at in my life right now.
• 9:02
  When you were describing it, I was kind of like, yeah, I'll check that box.
• 9:05
  I'll check that box, too.
• 9:07
  This actually sounds a lot like me.
• 9:09
  Yeah.
• 9:09
  I think you just go for the next guy at the table with a duster.
• 9:13
  You just look for the guy that probably you look for somebody with something,
• 9:16
  you know, some common ground there.
• 9:18
  Yeah.
• 9:18
  If he looks like an anime vampire, you go after that guy.
• 9:21
  He'll probably team up with you.
• 9:23
  How did how did it end?
• 9:24
  What was the final resolution that you came to?
• 9:27
  Just sat in a chair beside the guy and talked to him.
• 9:29
  Okay.
• 9:30
  It was a fine conversation.
• 9:31
  Very.
• 9:32
  You can't beat a join them situation.
• 9:34
  It was it was a fine conversation.
• 9:36
  Had a had a nice talk.
• 9:38
  Just didn't get the chair that I wanted.
• 9:40
  Yeah.
• 9:40
  Okay.
• 9:41
  Oh, man.
• 9:42
  Well, Alan, you have showed us that you might be you might be a little bit beta.
• 9:46
  You know, it's okay.
• 9:47
  And your wife, too.
• 9:48
  Just let another man take your spot.
• 9:51
  I don't think I was showing her anything new.
• 9:56
  Oh, well, welcome to Question of Detour, the home of the three most beta.
• 10:02
  We will wilt.
• 10:04
  We will crumble at anyone that just speaks up and will apologize.
• 10:13
  Let's do some hypotheticals.
• 10:14
  Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
• 10:19
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
• 10:23
  Well, that's a hypothetical question.
• 10:25
  All right.
• 10:26
  So for the hypothetical for today, we're going to talk about something that every
• 10:31
  a lot of people can relate to.
• 10:32
  And that's when you get that college roommate.
• 10:35
  We've been there.
• 10:36
  You know, you walk into this very small dorm room.
• 10:40
  It's got that kind of weirdly tall bed on one side of the room and has another one
• 10:45
  on the other side.
• 10:46
  And you start getting your side ready and you're unpacking.
• 10:50
  And then all of a sudden you hear the door handle jiggle.
• 10:53
  The door opens.
• 10:54
  It's a stranger.
• 10:55
  You have no idea what this guy's about and who he is.
• 10:58
  How do y'all welcome him in to this dorm to make him feel at home,
• 11:03
  to make him feel welcome into what is y'all's dorm?
• 11:08
  Is this our first college roommate or just new year, new roommate?
• 11:12
  Oh, freshman roommate.
• 11:14
  I mean, this is little 18 year old Evan.
• 11:18
  Fearless spry.
• 11:22
  Twinkle in his eye, life in his heart.
• 11:25
  What happened?
• 11:28
  Oh, man.
• 11:30
  The worst part about getting a new freshman roommate, you're nervous,
• 11:34
  especially if you're going into it with someone you've never met before.
• 11:37
  Sure.
• 11:38
  The thing you got to do is you're fighting to get on common ground with a new person
• 11:43
  that you've never met.
• 11:43
  So you want to relate to them as quickly as possible.
• 11:46
  And you want to, you know, you want to kind of give them background on yourself so they
• 11:50
  can get to know you and you can get to know them.
• 11:52
  So the first thing I do, like you said, when they jiggle that handle.
• 11:55
  That makes it sound like they don't know how to use a door knob.
• 11:58
  I know.
• 11:59
  It sounds like they're not turning and they're just like shaking it like they're shaking
• 12:02
  somebody's hand.
• 12:03
  That is just a really tricky door.
• 12:05
  You got a bad door, but they finally managed to swing it open.
• 12:09
  They look confused.
• 12:11
  They're like, oh, that's how you do that.
• 12:14
  They finally manage it.
• 12:16
  I'm sitting there under my bed.
• 12:18
  Oh, with my box of trinkets.
• 12:21
  Were you afraid?
• 12:22
  Like you were afraid that when you jumped under the bed.
• 12:24
  I was exploring my space.
• 12:25
  Okay.
• 12:26
  You know, it's new.
• 12:27
  You got to find all the nooks and crannies.
• 12:29
  Were you dressed up as like an 1800s explorer in Africa with like the weird double-sided
• 12:37
  helmet?
• 12:37
  Yeah.
• 12:38
  Your name was Nigel.
• 12:40
  And a machete.
• 12:41
  It's cut down bamboo underneath my bed.
• 12:44
  You're wearing just tan clothes.
• 12:47
  There's lots of khaki.
• 12:50
  And knee high green socks, wool socks.
• 12:53
  Just leather boots.
• 12:55
  You know, those don't have those things don't have any arch support.
• 12:58
  Those are just a piece of rubber you're standing on.
• 13:01
  So, okay.
• 13:02
  So Nigel Evan, the African continent explorer is under the bed.
• 13:07
  Of course.
• 13:07
  With my box of trinkets from just all the different, we'll call them adventures I've
• 13:13
  had around the world.
• 13:14
  We'll travel.
• 13:15
  Yeah.
• 13:15
  Just teeth from different places around the world.
• 13:19
  No, no.
• 13:20
  Straight toenails.
• 13:22
  We can't.
• 13:23
  Huh?
• 13:24
  Before we dive into dive into more in your trinket box.
• 13:28
  Right.
• 13:29
  I say we, if you're good with this, Zach, I say we hit them as you as you go.
• 13:33
  So explore these one at a time.
• 13:35
  Okay.
• 13:35
  Teeth from your around the world.
• 13:38
  Your travels.
• 13:39
  Yeah.
• 13:40
  Pretty self-explanatory.
• 13:41
  I don't know.
• 13:42
  I don't think it is.
• 13:43
  Are you did you harvest these yourself?
• 13:45
  Are you the tooth fairy?
• 13:48
  Are you some Nigel explorer with this?
• 13:51
  You have those like
• 13:53
  fairy wings.
• 13:56
  I've been called the tooth fairy from different cultures.
• 14:00
  Give us the, what are you an urban legend?
• 14:04
  Give us what they call you in Brazil.
• 14:09
  Remember they speak Portuguese, right?
• 14:14
  Translated from Portuguese to English.
• 14:16
  They call me the white devil loosely translated.
• 14:25
  You look like Nigel.
• 14:27
  Thanks for you have fairy wings on your stupid double-sided helmet.
• 14:32
  You have like little devil horns.
• 14:34
  No, no, I'm a normal looking guy.
• 14:37
  It's more metaphorical.
• 14:38
  Yeah.
• 14:39
  It's more as how I'm perceived than what I look like.
• 14:42
  Okay. They think I have been stealing from their local tooth fairy.
• 14:47
  And we've been at war for years.
• 14:49
  Of course that's true, but
• 14:50
  there's no way those Evan and some like cracked out homeless men are fighting in the street.
• 14:56
  There's no way it's not that situation.
• 14:58
  We're in a battle over the young people's teeth in the Brazilian Brazilian.
• 15:03
  But nobody knows what you're fighting about.
• 15:07
  No, I'm fighting over people's teeth.
• 15:09
  And that's what makes it more noble is that
• 15:11
  I'm fighting a fight that nobody's, you know, nobody knows about.
• 15:14
  They don't know what I'm going through on a day to day basis.
• 15:17
  It's very good to be specific.
• 15:18
  It sounds like you didn't even really need to go to college.
• 15:21
  You had a whole thing going on.
• 15:23
  What did you need a degree for?
• 15:26
  So I have this one avenue of revenue, which is my tooth fairy business, but
• 15:32
  I always just wanted to be an interior decorator.
• 15:35
  Oh, okay.
• 15:36
  Again, to be a real life fairy.
• 15:43
  Okay, so you have teeth from around the world because you're
• 15:47
  stealing people's teeth, pretending to be a tooth fairy.
• 15:51
  What's the second thing that you have in your box of trinkets?
• 15:54
  Toe nail clippings.
• 15:55
  Okay, toenail clipping.
• 15:57
  So you're so it seems to be a trend of just body parts.
• 16:00
  But not parts that are not not your mainstream parts.
• 16:03
  Not important parts like parts that fall off.
• 16:06
  Yeah, not the stuff you need.
• 16:07
  Are you clipping people's toenails?
• 16:09
  If I have to.
• 16:09
  Are you like under tables?
• 16:11
  I have to sneak in a clip.
• 16:13
  Yeah, I mean, I'm I've scavenged many a bathroom.
• 16:17
  You talk about catching somebody in a vulnerable position there on the toilet dropping off a load.
• 16:22
  Yeah.
• 16:24
  In his Nigel the Thornberry costume comes up under that comes up under that
• 16:30
  just kind of pop out of the bathroom from behind the shower curtain.
• 16:33
  He comes up under that stall and starts cooking at your nails.
• 16:40
  I don't think there's any more of a vulnerable position than that.
• 16:43
  Yeah, I'm not just clipping them straight.
• 16:45
  I'm not getting them straight from the source.
• 16:46
  Okay.
• 16:47
  I mean, when I say I'm trolling the floors, I'm looking for one that didn't make it in the
• 16:52
  trash can or the wherever people are clipping their fingernail.
• 16:55
  Let me let me throw this one at you.
• 16:57
  Are you familiar with old people's toenails?
• 16:59
  You know how just they're crusty and yellow?
• 17:02
  Absolutely ancient looking.
• 17:04
  Yeah.
• 17:04
  Like they've been unearthed.
• 17:06
  Yeah, that's the good stuff.
• 17:07
  It looks like they could unearth.
• 17:09
  Okay, so that I was going to ask.
• 17:10
  Yeah, well, I'm a student of history.
• 17:13
  I like to know kind of the story that the old people's toenails tell.
• 17:18
  Do you date toenails like people date trees?
• 17:21
  I do.
• 17:22
  I carbon date them.
• 17:24
  I got one from World War Two the other day.
• 17:26
  Oh my God.
• 17:27
  You could have sold that on the black market for I'm not even going to tell you how much.
• 17:30
  A lot of buyers.
• 17:31
  A lot of buyers.
• 17:33
  All of them are me.
• 17:35
  Just with different accounts.
• 17:37
  Just different.
• 17:37
  Just me logging into different accounts.
• 17:39
  And I'm always surprised to see the toenail I just put up there on.
• 17:43
  It's Evan selling one and white devils buying it.
• 17:48
  Okay, what's your what's the third trinket you have under the bed dressed as Nigel Thornberry
• 17:54
  that your roommate is now observing?
• 17:56
  No, you're right.
• 17:57
  Good things always come in threes.
• 17:58
  So there's one more.
• 17:59
  Hey, Alan, go to he actually has the box of trinkets here.
• 18:03
  Do you want to look in that and see what else he has?
• 18:06
  Yeah.
• 18:07
  Yeah.
• 18:07
  Let me let me let me look around in here.
• 18:09
  Oh, wow.
• 18:10
  A lot of teeth.
• 18:10
  Lot of teeth.
• 18:11
  You kind of have to really have to push past those.
• 18:15
  I would have thought Evan would have had it a little bit more organized.
• 18:17
  It is just kind of all loosey goosey in there.
• 18:19
  But here it is.
• 18:20
  I think I found it.
• 18:21
  This is a dime bag just full of toe hair.
• 18:25
  Oh, wait, you didn't even leave the foot.
• 18:27
  What? Just like like he just shaved hair off of a big toe.
• 18:32
  It's not marked as toe hair.
• 18:34
  So it's interesting that you immediately knew it was toe hair.
• 18:36
  I didn't know you were a man of science.
• 18:41
  A man of class.
• 18:42
  I like to I like to think of myself as a learned man.
• 18:46
  Alan was going to explain how he knew that was toe hair.
• 18:49
  But go ahead and explain why you got kind of lazy
• 18:52
  and you didn't really leave the foot.
• 18:54
  So a delicacy in Sudan is is the hair of men's toes
• 19:05
  fashioned into a small but formidable eyebrow.
• 19:09
  So when men age, of course, they start to lose their hair.
• 19:13
  So do women.
• 19:13
  So where do you get hair that's sleek, fashionable?
• 19:18
  Maybe it's been near some athlete's foot that you can replace that with.
• 19:22
  I found and Sudan has also found that the answer that it's the toe.
• 19:26
  The toe is the toe hair.
• 19:27
  It's the toe hair.
• 19:28
  So what do they call the toe hair in Sudan?
• 19:30
  Was it roughly translate to God's manna?
• 19:35
  They take it very seriously there.
• 19:37
  They love it.
• 19:38
  They call it God's manna.
• 19:40
  It's from the heavens is what they say.
• 19:42
  Not edible, though.
• 19:43
  It's not.
• 19:44
  It's from the heavens, but closer to hell.
• 19:46
  Yeah. Well, from the foot.
• 19:48
  Yeah. Unless you're doing a handstand.
• 19:51
  Yeah. And they do a lot of them there.
• 19:54
  That is a Sudanese thing.
• 19:56
  You know, Sudanese people national pastime is handstands.
• 20:00
  So closer to God, they do.
• 20:02
  They do five case on their hands instead of on their feet.
• 20:05
  Did you know?
• 20:06
  I did.
• 20:07
  I did not know.
• 20:08
  So how do how do all of these things help your new roommate feel welcome?
• 20:12
  They're getting to know who I am, the things I care about,
• 20:15
  the things I put my passion and my time into,
• 20:19
  because it takes up literally all of my time to harvest these things.
• 20:24
  You're up at night.
• 20:25
  They're trying to sleep.
• 20:26
  You have your your light on over that side, just shuffling through,
• 20:31
  sorting through teeth, toenails and toe hair.
• 20:35
  Just tinkering in my box, tinkering in my box of trinkets.
• 20:39
  It's like they're trying to go sleep.
• 20:40
  They hear like power tools.
• 20:42
  They hear the saws and hammers and screwdrivers.
• 20:46
  They look over and they just see Evan looking back at them.
• 20:50
  They don't see any power tools.
• 20:52
  They just hear it.
• 20:53
  It's like two a.m.
• 20:54
  He sees me under my desk light.
• 20:56
  I have a green transparent visor.
• 20:58
  I'm on the phone yelling and Mandarin
• 21:04
  trying to get that deal done.
• 21:06
  You are more well traveled than I think I would have.
• 21:08
  You know, you learn something new every day.
• 21:11
  I like to surprise people, you know, like a roommate, Phil.
• 21:14
  Very welcome. Just Evan dressed as an old school explorer
• 21:20
  selling gross body parts on the black market.
• 21:24
  Love it.
• 21:26
  You're going to have a roommate for a semester.
• 21:29
  It'll be a quick transfer.
• 21:32
  All right, Alan.
• 21:32
  All right.
• 21:33
  So when I'm getting a new roommate, first time in college,
• 21:36
  you know, I'm going to try and make it to the dorm first.
• 21:39
  You know, I want to be able to prepare the space for him before he gets there.
• 21:42
  And the space that I want to create is a Texas Roadhouse in 2005,
• 21:49
  which is what we like to call fans call the golden era of Texas Roadhouse
• 21:55
  because you could still throw peanut shells on the floor.
• 21:58
  Oh, my gosh.
• 21:58
  Yeah.
• 21:59
  I mean, that's probably the closest thing to home away from home
• 22:02
  that I think any of us have ever felt.
• 22:04
  And I want to I want to bring that to my new roommate.
• 22:07
  So before he gets in there, I come in there and I just scatter peanut shells everywhere.
• 22:11
  Yeah. OK.
• 22:12
  You know, I want it to be covered to ankle deep in peanut shells.
• 22:17
  Have you eaten all these peanuts?
• 22:20
  I've eaten a lot of peanuts.
• 22:22
  You can't just buy the shells.
• 22:24
  No, it's weird.
• 22:25
  You have to buy the peanuts in some serious bulk.
• 22:29
  Yeah.
• 22:30
  So I've had to eat all these peanuts and then shell them out all over the ground.
• 22:35
  Which is weird.
• 22:36
  Thousands of peanuts.
• 22:37
  Because they do sell just the nut from the peanuts.
• 22:40
  So you would think that they would sell the shell.
• 22:42
  Where are the rest of the shells going?
• 22:44
  Exactly.
• 22:44
  They are just throwing those away.
• 22:46
  Is this a conspiracy podcast all of a sudden?
• 22:48
  We need to bring the earth is flat.
• 22:49
  And they are taking ourselves.
• 22:52
  We're bringing big peanut down.
• 22:55
  Somebody get planners on the phone.
• 22:58
  So, you know, you said you wanted to make this like a Texas Roadhouse
• 23:01
  or the one star man's five star restaurant.
• 23:04
  That's right.
• 23:05
  That's right.
• 23:05
  Is I as I like to call it.
• 23:07
  A place where the rolls are buttered and your belly's full.
• 23:12
  That's right.
• 23:12
  I have Lee Texas Roadhouse.
• 23:14
  Come on now.
• 23:15
  If they should sponsor, you've been supporting trailer park for this long.
• 23:18
  Support us.
• 23:21
  So you have shells, peanut shells all over the ground.
• 23:24
  Do you have those weird drawings of scantily clad cigarette bombs on the wall, too?
• 23:31
  Like the paintings, you know, how Texas.
• 23:33
  Yeah, yeah.
• 23:33
  It's like a it's like a weirdly proportioned Dolly Parton.
• 23:39
  Which is already weirdly, which is already weirdly proportioned in general.
• 23:43
  But yeah, she's up there next to next to her on the mural is like probably Dale
• 23:48
  Earnhardt senior sitting right next to Willie Nelson.
• 23:51
  Yeah, next to Willie Nelson.
• 23:52
  So it's a it's a Mount Rushmore situation.
• 23:56
  So you've got Dolly, you've got Dale Senior, you've got Willie Nelson.
• 24:01
  And then like a rebel flag like just a flag.
• 24:04
  Yeah.
• 24:06
  Yeah, just just a flag.
• 24:07
  So you've got you mean you've got the big three or big four, you know.
• 24:11
  Now that's that's covering, you know, my wallet to his.
• 24:15
  Sir, because I mean, he's he's going to have to going to have to really understand
• 24:18
  that that's how the semester is going to going to go.
• 24:20
  And you want you want to set the precedent early, pretty early.
• 24:23
  You don't want to get half of the semester.
• 24:24
  And then all of a sudden, you know, spring this this new design choice on him.
• 24:28
  But also if he walks in and he sees a blank wall, that's just going to break his immersion.
• 24:32
  Yeah. What if he like what if he's the kind of guy that would want to just put like a
• 24:36
  a reservoir dogs poster on the wall, like every other college student?
• 24:40
  Like that's so overplayed.
• 24:42
  Like we don't we don't want that here.
• 24:44
  Take your Saturdays are for the boys sign down.
• 24:47
  Yeah.
• 24:47
  Right.
• 24:48
  Like you see that wall where you have that Saturdays are for the boys sign.
• 24:51
  You know what's going to be there?
• 24:52
  A poorly painted picture of a bunch of animals playing poker.
• 24:55
  That's right. Yeah.
• 24:58
  Just like Texas Roadhouse.
• 25:00
  Sort of a play on the dogs playing poker.
• 25:02
  But you've just got just like a zoo playing animal smoking cigarettes.
• 25:07
  Now, do you make him check in?
• 25:09
  Do you make him say party for one as he enters this this room?
• 25:12
  Yeah. So when he when he walks in, there's actually a really large barrel
• 25:16
  that he has to walk up to.
• 25:18
  It says scientists, please wait.
• 25:21
  I come out in a wig.
• 25:23
  You look like a scientist.
• 25:24
  In a wig, you look like a cigarette, Mom.
• 25:26
  I like I I've dressed like a cigarette, Mom.
• 25:29
  Smell like it, too.
• 25:30
  Yeah, I've got a lit cigarette in my ear.
• 25:34
  You tell him you've been pulling a double to support your five kids.
• 25:37
  And I'm not here for any of his games.
• 25:40
  You call him honey.
• 25:41
  I've been around the block a time or two and I know a thing or two.
• 25:46
  I look him up and down and I say party a one.
• 25:47
  All right.
• 25:49
  I know this guy's not meeting anybody here.
• 25:52
  So I show him to his bed.
• 25:53
  Come on, honey.
• 25:55
  Come on, let me show you to your table.
• 25:57
  Follow me.
• 26:01
  I'll go get your rolls.
• 26:03
  You want rolls?
• 26:03
  Of course you do.
• 26:05
  Look at you.
• 26:07
  You take his order and stuff like it's we're playing this out.
• 26:11
  Yeah, yeah, I take his order and then I just go back and sit down on my bed.
• 26:15
  Oh, yeah.
• 26:18
  Immersion complete.
• 26:19
  Yeah, I think it's something that we do have to kind of keep up
• 26:22
  throughout the school year, though.
• 26:24
  Once you go that far, I don't I don't think there's any coming back from that
• 26:27
  with your roommate.
• 26:28
  You have a Texas Roadhouse to keep.
• 26:30
  So every time you walk back in, he's already in the room.
• 26:32
  You come back from class and he's like, where's my food?
• 26:35
  You're like the cook staff's a little behind schedule.
• 26:38
  They're a little bogged down back there.
• 26:40
  Honey, it's like a Saturday night in here.
• 26:43
  And that's every time you come back from class.
• 26:47
  He's like, hey, I'm going to go out and grab some meat.
• 26:49
  You want to come?
• 26:50
  No.
• 26:50
  Oh, I'm not on break for another hour.
• 26:54
  I'm pulling a triple.
• 26:57
  My kids got to go to the dentist.
• 27:01
  Those kids are going to do it.
• 27:04
  There's nothing more welcoming than a Texas Roadhouse where you can get a
• 27:07
  just OK steak, but fantastic rolls.
• 27:11
  The rolls are the reason you go.
• 27:12
  Yeah, I mean, it wasn't at one point it was the peanuts, but we lost.
• 27:16
  We lost a lot as a country, I think, when that happened.
• 27:19
  Yeah.
• 27:19
  I mean, it's like that.
• 27:21
  I think Obama shortly after.
• 27:25
  I think when we look back into history, we go, when was the fall of the United States?
• 27:30
  When did it start?
• 27:31
  It's going to be it's going to be when Texas Roadhouse
• 27:33
  stopped letting you throw peanuts on the ground.
• 27:34
  Yeah.
• 27:35
  Yeah.
• 27:35
  We hollowed out what made us Americans with that.
• 27:38
  Well, here's the thing about being welcoming and being hospitable.
• 27:42
  And I think it's always a good trait to have.
• 27:44
  And here's what you need to do to be hospitable to your new roommate.
• 27:48
  That is, he's also nervous.
• 27:50
  He's away from his family, away from his friends, away from the people he loves.
• 27:55
  Why?
• 27:55
  Why does he have to be away from the people he loves, away from his family?
• 27:59
  Here's what I would do.
• 28:01
  And if I could do it all over again, this is what I would do.
• 28:04
  I would figure out everybody he loves, who he loves, who he's close with.
• 28:09
  I would know his connections and relationships intimately.
• 28:15
  It's a weird word.
• 28:16
  I regret using that word.
• 28:19
  I'm with you so far.
• 28:21
  Evan likes it.
• 28:22
  And what I would do is I would recreate all of them as scarecrows
• 28:29
  to just leave in the room as he enters.
• 28:32
  I won't be in there because again, I'm a stranger
• 28:35
  and I'm trying to create an atmosphere of comfortability.
• 28:38
  So when he jiggles that handle like he's shaking somebody's hand
• 28:42
  and he finally gets the door open just by chance
• 28:46
  because he didn't do it skillfully.
• 28:48
  He's going to open that door and just there's going to be just pants
• 28:53
  and shirts filled with straw with like not even not even good pictures,
• 29:01
  just like Facebook profile pictures that I found and have like really blown up.
• 29:06
  So they're just grainy, grainy.
• 29:09
  Like you printed on a printer from the 1920s.
• 29:12
  Yeah, it's like an old printer.
• 29:14
  And it's just like pictures of his mom and his dad sitting there smiling
• 29:18
  and like the scarecrow has its arms around each other
• 29:22
  and just like just maybe his best friend from childhood
• 29:25
  who he didn't have a good relationship after high school.
• 29:28
  They fell apart.
• 29:29
  Yeah, he's he's there like also.
• 29:32
  But his Facebook wasn't updated since like 10 years ago.
• 29:34
  So it's like an old picture of him as a chubby 10 year old girlfriend.
• 29:39
  He was dating at the time, but then passed away.
• 29:43
  Car accident.
• 29:44
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 29:45
  I put a little steering wheel on her on her scarecrow.
• 29:50
  Well, you like made her legs kind of wonky.
• 29:57
  They're pointing in different directions like a compass.
• 30:02
  You talk about feeling the love as you see your as you see your family dog that died.
• 30:10
  Just a picture of him on a human body.
• 30:12
  Why?
• 30:13
  I don't really understand anatomy.
• 30:15
  Just pinned up on a stake in a room.
• 30:20
  Why stop there?
• 30:21
  Why don't just make a scarecrow for the college dean?
• 30:24
  Have him have him greet you in the room.
• 30:26
  People he will know going forward.
• 30:28
  I'll be like I'll introduce him.
• 30:30
  It'll be like a practice thing.
• 30:32
  Like this is somebody I want you to meet as a scarecrow.
• 30:35
  You know, maybe he can practice, you know, meeting him.
• 30:38
  So come game time.
• 30:39
  Yeah, he already he's he's ready for it.
• 30:41
  He's prepared.
• 30:42
  He's he's practice going into that.
• 30:44
  So I know you said you're not going to be in the room whenever he first enters.
• 30:48
  So he gets sort of, you know, he sees people he knows first.
• 30:51
  Yeah.
• 30:51
  At what point do you come in the room and what do you do when you do come in the room?
• 30:56
  See, the trick is I've always been in the room.
• 30:58
  I was in his mom's scarecrow.
• 31:00
  I was his mom's scarecrow and I will start moving it.
• 31:04
  Of course.
• 31:05
  And like really high pitched voice.
• 31:07
  Okay, Timothy.
• 31:08
  Welcome to your college.
• 31:11
  I'll sound like a muppet.
• 31:16
  And he's like, Mom, what are you doing here?
• 31:18
  Oh, he gets tricked.
• 31:19
  Yeah, he's like, this is obviously my mom.
• 31:23
  Mom, I thought you I saw you left with Dad.
• 31:26
  I really love your new roommate.
• 31:28
  He's a handsome boy.
• 31:29
  I'm leaving your father for him.
• 31:32
  We are getting a divorce.
• 31:35
  And then like I break apart their family.
• 31:37
  Yeah, it's your fault.
• 31:40
  You caused this.
• 31:41
  You were born and we are never the same again.
• 31:45
  You know, and maybe I jump from me and maybe I don't only act as his mother.
• 31:50
  I will jump from scarecrow to scarecrow to the point he doesn't even realize he has a roommate.
• 31:56
  He just he just thinks all the people from his life are just in his room with him all the time.
• 32:02
  But mostly still and lifeless.
• 32:06
  You don't get a lot of work done, do you?
• 32:08
  Just a family member, a loved one comes to life every once in a while.
• 32:14
  Tell me about how you act like the family dog.
• 32:17
  Oh, I want to go back to that and unpack that dog face on the human body.
• 32:21
  It's confusing.
• 32:23
  It's simple.
• 32:24
  You know, all fours.
• 32:25
  I do some barks, chew on some shoes.
• 32:27
  You ever followed the class?
• 32:30
  Let him take you on walks.
• 32:32
  I have all of the class.
• 32:34
  He's like, no, go home, Frodo, go home.
• 32:36
  And it's just me.
• 32:37
  You know, it's just me in a scarecrow, just clothes, just normal clothes,
• 32:42
  but has like straw coming out of everywhere.
• 32:45
  I have a dog picture on my head.
• 32:47
  But not a picture of his real dog.
• 32:48
  Like it's like a clip art picture of a dog.
• 32:52
  But of course, the dorm doesn't allow pets in the dorm.
• 32:55
  So he gets fine.
• 32:56
  Yeah, he gets fine.
• 32:57
  You get kicked out as a dog in the straw costume.
• 33:01
  You have to fight your way back in.
• 33:02
  The fighting, the dorm, the RA.
• 33:08
  Yeah.
• 33:08
  So do you ever, are you ever not in straw?
• 33:11
  Are you spending the whole semester?
• 33:13
  This is my life now.
• 33:14
  I'm going, uh, tens, tens of thousands of dollars in debt.
• 33:19
  I didn't get any scholarship.
• 33:20
  How expensive is your single-handedly?
• 33:24
  No, no, no, supplying the straw.
• 33:27
  Very cheap.
• 33:28
  The straw, perfectly reasonable.
• 33:30
  A college education on the other hand, very expensive.
• 33:34
  And I'm not going to class because I have now fully committed
• 33:38
  to being every one of this guy's loved ones as a scarecrow.
• 33:42
  So I'm going tens of thousands of dollars in debt.
• 33:45
  Are you hoping to just that he'll eventually just take you in as part of his family?
• 33:50
  I expect him to take me in almost immediately.
• 33:52
  Okay.
• 33:53
  My only goal here is to make him feel welcomed.
• 33:55
  Have you thought of the rashes of being in straw 24 seven will cause?
• 34:00
  Yeah, it's going to be an issue when I do finally meet him as a roommate,
• 34:04
  because I will come out in just underwear.
• 34:07
  Yeah.
• 34:08
  Now, when I say come out, I mean, of one of his family members,
• 34:11
  like it'll be like an alien situation where it's like,
• 34:13
  ah, just crawling out, just crawling at the ground.
• 34:19
  And I look like an alien because of all the rashes.
• 34:23
  And because I, it's so, I will be wet because it's so sweaty.
• 34:26
  Yeah, you know, the hair is falling out because I haven't seen the sun.
• 34:30
  So vitamin D deficient.
• 34:33
  I'm like, Hey, I'm Zach.
• 34:34
  I'm your new roommate.
• 34:36
  Ever just came out of grandma.
• 34:39
  How'd you like the straw thing?
• 34:43
  It's like November.
• 34:46
  It's been months.
• 34:48
  Yeah.
• 34:49
  I mean, I literally can't think of anything more welcoming than that.
• 34:52
  No, I'm, I'm on board with it.
• 34:54
  I think.
• 34:54
  Well, so you need, so I mean, if you're getting
• 34:56
  a new roommate, maybe this, uh, it's coming up here.
• 34:59
  Listen, here, y'all don't have to do it.
• 35:01
  This is not advice.
• 35:01
  If y'all want to fall in the footsteps of greatness, you can do it.
• 35:04
  Evan does and collect human body, but not like normal body part, just like growth.
• 35:10
  Yeah.
• 35:11
  Collect the deep cuts.
• 35:13
  Yeah.
• 35:13
  It's not weird.
• 35:14
  You could do like Alan and recreate a middle of the road steakhouse.
• 35:20
  Or you can do like me and just recreate every family member and loved one that they have
• 35:25
  into a horror show.
• 35:29
  But there's what we do if we were to ever get a college roommate.
• 35:33
  So just like I was saying, just a second ago, uh, I need to pay for college.
• 35:37
  I've spent thousands of dollars, you know, going to college, but actually going to college.
• 35:41
  So we need money for the podcast.
• 35:43
  So let's do some ads.
• 35:45
  Want to break from the ads?
• 35:49
  No.
• 35:55
  Hey, Alan, man, this food was excellent.
• 35:58
  My belly is full, but you know, what's empty?
• 36:00
  My heart.
• 36:01
  Is this ever you?
• 36:03
  Do you ever eat a full meal at a fancy five star restaurant and you just feel like it
• 36:11
  didn't fill you up at all?
• 36:13
  Well, here at love me tenders, we'll serve you just an array and a smorgasbord of different
• 36:22
  foods, largely chicken tenders, but we'll also fill that hole in your heart.
• 36:28
  Are you needing the touch of a man in his late twenties to just really fill the void
• 36:37
  that food leaves between the order and the getting in front of you on a plate?
• 36:42
  Well, here at love me tenders, we take care of that and we take care of you.
• 36:45
  That's right, baby.
• 36:47
  We take care of you.
• 36:49
  So come on down to love me tenders and get a sloppy kiss and a great meal.
• 36:55
  Is your belly full?
• 36:57
  Is your heart empty?
• 36:59
  Well, this episode is brought to you by love me tenders.
• 37:03
  Here at love me tenders, we'll serve you just an array of different foods, but we'll also
• 37:07
  serve you a wide variety of chicken tenders.
• 37:09
  And it's just chicken.
• 37:11
  There's nothing else.
• 37:13
  So don't ask.
• 37:15
  And that will fill your belly.
• 37:17
  But if your heart needs to be filled, you will also be borderline sexually assaulted
• 37:21
  by one of our waiters.
• 37:23
  He'll touch your thighs.
• 37:25
  He'll give you a sloppy wet kiss at the end of the night.
• 37:29
  Maybe he'll come up behind you and whisper sweet little nothings into your ear.
• 37:33
  Is there a way to do that?
• 37:35
  Sweet little nothings into your ear.
• 37:37
  Is there a place on your body that has never been touched?
• 37:39
  He'll touch it.
• 37:41
  No problem.
• 37:43
  So fill your belly.
• 37:45
  So fill your belly and fill your heart.
• 37:49
  Come to love me tenders.
• 37:51
  Do you think you could win in a fight against Lee Harvey Oswald?
• 37:57
  Have you ever just wanted to take a shot at Grimace from the McDonald's commercials?
• 38:05
  Call us down here at the World Adrenaline Wrestling where we're going to set you up
• 38:11
  with an assailant.
• 38:15
  A assailant of your choice.
• 38:17
  He can dress up in whatever costume you want or he can come as a surprise.
• 38:21
  You'll pick from a range of hours for him to come at an unspecified time.
• 38:25
  Will he be weaponized?
• 38:29
  It's possible.
• 38:31
  I think that's just something you need to be prepared for if it happens.
• 38:35
  Anywho, do you want to feel like a man again?
• 38:39
  Do you want your children and your wife to respect you?
• 38:41
  Call us down at World Adrenaline Wrestling and we'll send somebody that looks like Kramer
• 38:47
  from Seinfeld to fight you.
• 38:49
  You'll regain your masculinity in no time.
• 38:55
  Give us a call.
• 38:57
  Do you have three months in the summers free and you're really into oil?
• 39:07
  If so, come on down to Bargentina.
• 39:11
  The Bargentina sets sail from the ports of Miami.
• 39:19
  We sail all the way down to South America and dock in Argentina.
• 39:25
  Where we get our name from.
• 39:29
  Together with a group of rag tag but lovable ruffians,
• 39:35
  we'll spend time scampering around Argentina with garden hoses siphoning fuel from vehicles.
• 39:45
  At night we'll scamper back to the barge and have group sing-alongs.
• 39:53
  It's like summer camp.
• 39:57
  But in South America.
• 40:01
  If that sounds like something you're interested in and you've got money to pay,
• 40:07
  send it our way and we'll book you a first class ticket to South America on the USS Bargentina.
• 40:17
  This episode is brought to you by Howlin Hosiery Haven.
• 40:21
  Do you think tube socks are too short?
• 40:25
  Do you like the redheaded Wendy's girl a little too much?
• 40:29
  Are you kind of into wolves?
• 40:32
  Well come down to Howlin Hosiery Haven.
• 40:35
  We are located in a place where white people say don't go there after dark.
• 40:40
  You'll come in, the lights will be dim so it's hard to see what's happening.
• 40:45
  When you enter the store you will be greeted with the smell of manure and mildew
• 40:50
  as you shop for your very long tube socks.
• 40:54
  And your very coarse and sparse horse hair Wendy wigs.
• 41:01
  Meet Alan, the owner and operator.
• 41:04
  He has daddy issues.
• 41:08
  And he might hire you on the spot for not very much money.
• 41:13
  Look around. Those aren't really wolves.
• 41:16
  Those are poorly paid teenagers in shower rugs pretending to be wolves.
• 41:23
  Watch out, they will bite.
• 41:25
  Buy some wigs.
• 41:27
  Buy some long tube socks.
• 41:29
  Experience Howlin Hosiery Haven.
• 41:34
  Are you tired of seeing the same old restaurants in every town?
• 41:39
  Seems like everywhere you go you see the same four or five restaurants
• 41:44
  over and over and over again.
• 41:47
  Well, change that up. Come on down to a chain restaurant.
• 41:52
  That's nothing like you've ever seen before.
• 41:54
  Let me promise you that. We got people tied up everywhere.
• 41:59
  People are just our waitstaff.
• 42:02
  Prisoners. How cool is that?
• 42:06
  You ever been waited on by somebody that maybe they didn't learn to read?
• 42:13
  Maybe they didn't. Maybe they've been serving time since they were 14, 15.
• 42:19
  That's cool, right?
• 42:21
  What if you fought that person to near death?
• 42:25
  And then if you lost, oh, maybe now you're chained up.
• 42:29
  How fun does that sound, right?
• 42:31
  Yeah, exactly. Come down here. Come here.
• 42:36
  I need help. I need to switch places with you.
• 42:42
  Come down. I'll slip a shiv into your napkin.
• 42:47
  Yeah, chain restaurant.
• 42:50
  Food. Great service.
• 42:53
  Are you Zach?
• 42:55
  Well, I've got a restaurant for you.
• 42:59
  A job. And a job.
• 43:01
  And five other jobs.
• 43:03
  I've got a restaurant and some jobs for you.
• 43:08
  Come on down to Five Guys where you can maybe get food.
• 43:18
  You can get a shave.
• 43:21
  You can burn your hands.
• 43:23
  And you can get, I don't know what the cook does really.
• 43:28
  He cooks food, I guess.
• 43:32
  Then Zach can come on down and do all that like a weird gremlin man.
• 43:39
  So this message is only for Zach.
• 43:43
  Seems odd to put it out in the podcast, but I think it's necessary.
• 43:52
  This episode is brought to you by Sir Get Away.
• 43:55
  Is life beating you down?
• 43:57
  Is your job lame and boring and you wish you could get away?
• 44:02
  Well, here at Sir Get Away, we will send you an unqualified individual
• 44:09
  that has no idea how to do your job to take your place.
• 44:13
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• 44:35
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• 44:47
  so you can go out and live as peacefully as possible.
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• 44:53
  Wow, thank you to all the businesses that are supporting us.
• 44:57
  All the legitimate, IRS knows all about these businesses.
• 45:02
  Publicly traded. They file their taxes. They certainly do.
• 45:08
  They're legit. Thank you to them all for supporting the question.
• 45:13
  The same legit money that they pay us. So legit. All taxed. All taxed.
• 45:21
  But next, we're going to do what somebody will pay thousands of dollars to do,
• 45:27
  and that's go to therapy and pay some rich, academic, learned person to help them figure out the problems.
• 45:34
  Well, we don't need that because we're just as good as those. So we're going to be therapists.
• 45:40
  So let's get on our tweed jackets. Let's go sit on the Chase lounge and let's mess with somebody's mind.
• 45:47
  Therapy, therapy session.
• 46:04
  All right. Well, welcome to our very classy, dark oak psychiatric office where we have a Chase lounge.
• 46:13
  Alan and I are actually are the therapists today in our tweed suits.
• 46:18
  Alan has very classy green alligator shoes. It doesn't really match the rest of it, but like I get it.
• 46:25
  You know, some things are just classy when you see alligator skin meets that requirement.
• 46:32
  You spent a lot of money on those. You came home to your wife and she was like, what did you just buy?
• 46:37
  You're like, these are five hundred dollars. Baby, we got Evan scheduled. He's paying.
• 46:43
  And that brings it to Evan is the one over on the Chase lounge just looking vulnerable, splayed out.
• 46:52
  No clothes, like no clothes on. Just a just a towel over his his nether regions. Just vulnerable.
• 46:59
  Thank God it's so dimly lit in here because I'm spread eagle.
• 47:04
  I'm letting everything hang out. My emotions physically. Everything's hanging out right now.
• 47:09
  We paid a lot for the Chase lounge. I'm kind of worried about that. Yeah, we should have put newspaper down.
• 47:13
  Yeah, he's like he's a puppy. But let's let's get into it. Evan, thank you for coming to therapy.
• 47:22
  I know it's difficult to be emotionally vulnerable and really work through all of the heartache and hard times in your life that have made you who you are today.
• 47:32
  By the way, I'm Dr. Zach, you know, QD, PhD, MD. That's comforting.
• 47:37
  And my credentials also, Alan QD, PhD, MD. So as you can tell, we're very qualified. Very real credentials.
• 47:45
  What brings you in today? First off, I just want to let our listeners know it's OK to be vulnerable.
• 47:52
  Even titans like us have their weaknesses. Yes, we're perfect, but we also have imperfections.
• 48:01
  And my imperfections today are that I can't always tell the difference between my elbows and my knees.
• 48:08
  And it's really weighing me down. That's difficult. Did you know that the Sudanese often walk on their hands for hours a day?
• 48:16
  Do you have any Sudanese in your background? I heard that earlier. I just learned that today. I don't.
• 48:24
  You know, Zach, I think I could tell by looking at him, he didn't have any Sudanese in this background.
• 48:31
  What gave it away? Yeah, I don't have any Sudanese background, but I do admire their strong wrists that they have to have to do their.
• 48:43
  Yeah. And their confusing view of gravity. Yeah. Yeah.
• 48:46
  Well, I think I think as we kick off this, as we do every time, what's your relationship with your father like?
• 48:52
  What would you consider the relationship between a chameleon and a fly to be? I would say predator and prey.
• 48:59
  Similar to that. Yeah, that sounds right.
• 49:02
  Now, Dr. Allen, do you maybe have maybe a breakdown of what he's going through when he describes his father relationship as a predator and prey?
• 49:13
  Yeah, I think, correct me if I'm wrong, it sounds like your dad walks around the house with a thermal vision goggles on and in a ghillie suit.
• 49:25
  That's extremely correct. No wonder you're so credentialed.
• 49:33
  Oh, it is. It's not often we hit these things as spot on.
• 49:37
  How did you know? So, why did your father walk around with thermal imaging goggles on?
• 49:44
  He's always on the hunt. When you got someone threatening your dominance as a male in your house, you can't let that thing live anymore.
• 49:53
  So as I grew from a young lad to a strong, formidable opponent for my father, like a silverback gorilla just rising up through the ranks in his harem.
• 50:05
  Do you have to defeat one member of your family at a time until he's like the final boss?
• 50:09
  I do. I had to go brother to brother. And now it's just me and my father fighting for ultimate dominance in our household. Who can eat that last Twinkie?
• 50:18
  Yeah, a literal Twinkie. Yeah. Okay, okay. Not a euphemism. Good to know.
• 50:23
  So, a very competitive relationship with your father. So, maybe what about your mother? What was your relationship like with your mother?
• 50:33
  I wouldn't say there was one. Again, my father tried to kind of keep me sheltered away from the rest of the family as much as he could.
• 50:41
  Because he saw even from a young age just how... You were just a threat. You fell out of your mom with a...
• 50:50
  Just a firm butt. And he knew that my quads were just going to be powerful. Yeah.
• 50:59
  So, he saw it from a young age. He was like, that guy's got a firm, but athletic butt.
• 51:05
  Round. Yeah, just round.
• 51:08
  So, Dr. Allen, you have any... Have you made a connection on maybe why he is confused between his elbows and knees based off his relationship with his parents?
• 51:19
  I have it. I have it. This is a confusing one.
• 51:24
  So, while Evan's been unpacking this here, I've been just poring over textbooks. Just... By candlelight.
• 51:32
  By candlelight. I've got one candle. And as you can see... We have lights.
• 51:36
  Well, we've got him turned off. Evan's bill hasn't come through yet. So, we need to...
• 51:42
  Once we get his payment, then we'll be able to turn back on the lights. But I am running through textbooks here just... And I'm unable to find anything specific.
• 51:52
  Well, maybe we haven't gotten down to it. Let's... You keep poring over text.
• 51:56
  Yeah. And while you're doing that, I know you're talking about the lights being... Can we work on the air conditioner next?
• 52:01
  Because under this bed sheet, I am just absolutely drenching this.
• 52:04
  Oh, yeah. You can take off the 34 quilts you have on top of you.
• 52:08
  Jesus. You look like you're dying of a common cold in the 1800s.
• 52:13
  The way you walked in, we thought you were an 87-year-old woman and needed to be bundled up at all times.
• 52:20
  Yeah. I don't know. My butt's sticking to the mattress here.
• 52:24
  The firm one?
• 52:26
  As my father would say.
• 52:28
  I guess going back to the kneecap, elbow issue, can you give me sort of your background to the classic song, Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes?
• 52:37
  Go ahead and sing it for us real quick. Kind of go through the motions. Let's see maybe what happens here.
• 52:43
  Let me see if I can walk through that. So, we go head, shoulders, elbows, toes...
• 52:49
  Jot that down. Jot that down.
• 52:55
  Wait, give me another chance.
• 52:56
  Yeah, you got another chance. Okay. Take your time.
• 52:58
  Head, shoulders, elbows, knees... No!
• 53:06
  Take your time. Go ahead and...
• 53:08
  Okay. Notice.
• 53:09
  Don't be nervous. We're not jotting anything important down over here.
• 53:13
  Every time he tells me to jot, I just write milk?
• 53:16
  Question mark. Is this your grocery list?
• 53:20
  Okay, good. Good thinking.
• 53:22
  One more time. One more time. One more time.
• 53:24
  I got it this time. I promise. Head, shoulders, toes?
• 53:32
  He skipped that one completely. He just skipped all the way down to the bottom of the body.
• 53:36
  Yeah. Was there supposed to be something in between there?
• 53:39
  Yeah. So, with the title of the song, I think it's Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes. If I remember correctly, we went over before...
• 53:45
  We literally gave you the title, yeah.
• 53:47
  You can see where I messed that up.
• 53:49
  Yeah, we can definitely see.
• 53:50
  You can see there's room for error. So, that's kind of on you guys.
• 53:53
  Where did the elbows come in to all that? Why are you guys talking about elbows now?
• 53:57
  Have you ever been to locally owned business No Cap Knee Caps?
• 54:01
  I've heard great things. Let me just preface this. I've heard great things.
• 54:04
  I would say maybe if I could give you a little bit of advice, maybe spend nine to ten hours in the storefront.
• 54:11
  You thought... But you got confused with No Cap Knee Caps. You thought it was called This Elbows.
• 54:17
  You thought it was This Elbows because you confused it?
• 54:20
  Yeah. Well, that's a different store. And so, I was trying to go to No Cap Knee Caps to try to get just a framed photograph of my favorite presidential leader, John Quincy Adams.
• 54:30
  Sure. Yeah.
• 54:31
  Because I heard they had them in stock. I was trying to get them for Christmas.
• 54:34
  They have them in stock.
• 54:35
  Yeah, I was trying to get them for Christmas when they had just selling like hotcakes.
• 54:38
  So, I went down there thinking I was going to get John Quincy Adams knee caps.
• 54:43
  Boy, I tell you, I showed up at Elblows, This Elblows, and I said, give me the knee caps.
• 54:49
  They said, boy, what are you talking about? I said, you know, the knee caps.
• 54:54
  They go right there on your arms. And they said, no, boy. I don't know why they talk to me.
• 54:58
  Really condescending, aren't they?
• 55:00
  Why they talk to me like an 1800s servant.
• 55:03
  No, boy.
• 55:05
  But yeah, they kind of kicked me and then said I was in the wrong place.
• 55:10
  Yeah. Down there in the elbows.
• 55:11
  They said, you want to be at No Cap Knee Caps. And I did the whole, oh, boy, am I just another.
• 55:18
  That's why I came to you guys. That was the last straw.
• 55:20
  That was the last straw. You knew you had.
• 55:22
  I knew I had a problem.
• 55:23
  Well, that's good insight. I'm not really sure what in your background has made you mix this up.
• 55:29
  You know, I'm going to go right now.
• 55:31
  Maybe we should do what the rest of the medical community does and just throw some medication his way.
• 55:36
  Just get a really high.
• 55:39
  Just see what each drug does to him.
• 55:43
  I would say he's already broken.
• 55:45
  Yeah, I'm just going to write down retarded question.
• 55:51
  Unsolvable.
• 55:54
  Completely broken.
• 55:57
  I think we're just going to give you some just a bunch of pills and not even an organized container.
• 56:03
  See, I'm going to go. I've got this little baggie of pills.
• 56:06
  This is a Ziploc bag and it's just got a lot of different colorful things in there for you.
• 56:11
  I would say mix and match.
• 56:15
  Just find what feels right to you.
• 56:17
  Eat on my jelly beans. Yeah.
• 56:18
  OK. What if I say I take one or two of these mismatched colors and then I wake up the next morning
• 56:25
  and I can't remember which ones I just took because I can't remember the entire night before.
• 56:30
  And I woke up in a deadly sweat.
• 56:32
  That's the fun thing is it doesn't matter.
• 56:34
  OK. You wake up in a gross nasty sweat.
• 56:38
  Just take some more.
• 56:40
  It fixes that.
• 56:42
  I think what it does is while you may have not remembered the night before,
• 56:47
  that wasn't time that you remember spending being confused about kneecaps and elbows.
• 56:52
  Yeah. And we think if you don't if you are not cognizant of your issue, you don't have an issue.
• 56:57
  That's why if you take enough of these, you will die.
• 57:00
  And really, if you want to escape your issues, death is the best way.
• 57:05
  Very final.
• 57:07
  Thanks, guys. This is why I come to you.
• 57:09
  This is the best.
• 57:11
  Let's all shake hands.
• 57:12
  This is a successful, successful doctor.
• 57:15
  Alan, thank you.
• 57:16
  I think we could light another candle.
• 57:19
  It looks like we're celebrating Hanukkah in here.
• 57:25
  Listeners can't see, but Dr.
• 57:27
  Allen and I are shaking each other's hands while touching each other's elbows.
• 57:31
  But Evan thinks it's our knees.
• 57:33
  But we're like shaking and touching elbows as we you know, it's also probably confusing, Evan, that we are both touching knees as well.
• 57:41
  If we look like an origami piece of paper to him, just mixed up.
• 57:46
  We look like two ice skaters just doing ice dancing.
• 57:50
  We're not. We're just shaking hands.
• 57:52
  It's a very magnificent to behold.
• 57:54
  Oh, but do you feel better?
• 57:56
  Go and take a pill.
• 57:57
  Yeah, once I get a couple of these down.
• 57:59
  Sure. Yeah, go and take a pill.
• 58:00
  I think that was a skittle.
• 58:02
  There's a couple of their treats.
• 58:04
  Oh, piece of candy.
• 58:06
  All right. Well, you can leave now.
• 58:07
  OK. Leave your payment with a secretary.
• 58:09
  Take your pills.
• 58:11
  The bowl of pills.
• 58:12
  I don't want to seem like we're pushing them, but you should really take those pills.
• 58:16
  Thanks, guys.
• 58:17
  Add milk. Eat them with a spoon.
• 58:21
  Oh, man.
• 58:22
  Well, I'm glad we could help you feel better, Evan.
• 58:24
  Another successful QD therapy.
• 58:26
  And really, it makes Allen and I feel better to help you.
• 58:29
  Yeah.
• 58:30
  But as tradition, do you want to give a one liner wisdom?
• 58:33
  Yeah, I always say if the pill is not hard to get down, then it's not worth taking.
• 58:40
  You know what I mean?
• 58:41
  He's literally eating just pill by pill right now.
• 58:43
  And they are rough to get down.
• 58:46
  Dry, no water.
• 58:47
  Shredding my esophagus.
• 58:50
  All right, Allen, one liner wisdom for the Saturday workers.
• 58:54
  If you're on a road trip and you can't stop and go to the bathroom, always go with the bottle, not the can.
• 59:00
  As spoken from experience.
• 59:02
  That's wisdom from failures.
• 59:03
  Let my failures be aid to you.
• 59:06
  Good wisdoms.
• 59:09
  All right, if you all want a hypothetical to be answered, do you need advice?
• 59:13
  I mean, you just saw the advice we gave to Evan in this episode.
• 59:16
  If you need a bunch of facts for a subject, we got you.
• 59:21
  Questionable detour podcast at gmail.com.
• 59:23
  Write in, use that and connect with us.
• 59:26
  Tell your friends about us.
• 59:27
  Let them in on the psyche, your psyche.
• 59:30
  But you want to be done?
• 59:32
  Yeah.
• 59:36
  Table for one, please.
• 59:37
  Hold on, sugar, you got to wait a minute.
• 59:39
  There's nobody else in here.
• 59:41
  What are you doing?
• 59:42
  This is just a room.
• 59:46
  I mid drag on a cigarette.
• 59:48
  Hold on.
• 59:49
  You can't.
• 59:50
  You can't multitask.
• 59:52
  Do I look like somebody who could do two things at once?
• 59:57
  You look like you've done two things at once.
• 1:00:03
  This doesn't even take much effort there.
• 1:00:07
  Tessa, just take me to the table.
• 1:00:11
  All right, but no funny business.
• 1:00:15
  I do this stand up routine.
• 1:00:18
  I just want a mediocre steak.
• 1:00:21
  I'm working a quadruple.
• 1:00:25
  Expect the detour.