Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Does Your Wife Feel You Would Do Anything For Her?

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Does Your Wife Feel You Would Do Anything For Her? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:08
  Psych mom, show today, I want to talk about something that a lot
• 0:12
  of guys don't really understand and some women don't really even
• 0:16
  understand it either actually. And it's something that I see a
• 0:20
  lot in my couples where the woman has a real strong desire
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  to be, you know, this already from previous podcast to put to
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  be fully taken care of emotionally specifically and
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  Also, this goes along with this desire to have a man who will do
• 0:40
  anything for her at least in fantasy and I will elaborate on
• 0:46
  this. After my usual appeal here for
• 0:50
  you to subscribe, if you are getting anything of value out of
• 0:54
  these podcasts, which hopefully you are, would be terrible shame
• 0:56
  if you would listen to 116 of something that you felt was
• 0:59
  completely useless. So actually, you couldn't have
• 1:03
  listened to 116, you would have had to listen.
• 1:05
  Into a 96 if you're not a subscriber.
• 1:08
  So I do have 20. And hopefully, my math is
• 1:10
  correct of my subscribe episodes, so you'll get access
• 1:14
  to a lot of those on neediness oral sex, maintenance sex, all
• 1:18
  sorts of sex, parenting stuff and more.
• 1:22
  So, back to the topic at hand. So a lot of women have this
• 1:28
  secret desire to have a guy who does anything that they want,
• 1:31
  because they grew up on fairy tales.
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  And if you think boy that Stupid, women are so fucking
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  stupid. Well, a hug guys watch porn and
• 1:39
  think that's stuffs gonna happen.
• 1:40
  So, who's stupid, right? Everybody, stupid.
• 1:43
  So that's very egalitarian. Way to realize that both genders
• 1:49
  usually have a prototypical fantasy that they want to
• 1:53
  happen. Maybe I'm at the archetypical,
• 1:56
  it's late now by late. I mean, it's 313 not AMPM but I
• 2:03
  did have many clients back to back.
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  And as I always do and I'm waiting outside to pick up my
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  child in my car. So anyway, so men and women.
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  Both have a typical we will forget about the prefixes.
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  Their fantasy is based on, you know, how they grew up this,
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  could be along a spectrum of how believable they think it is.
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  And by the way, it's also massively impacted by the
• 2:30
  marriage which you saw. So just like there are a lot of
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  guys that I see. That really come by their high
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  sex drive and desire to have constant sex within marriage
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  naturally. Because they saw it, they really
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  did see a growing up. They didn't see the parents
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  having sex, but they may have even heard them having sex, and
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  they saw, you know, the parents canoodling all the time.
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  And so, they genuinely do believe that this is something
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  to be expected within marriage. And similarly, some women come
• 2:59
  by their romantic fantasies, very naturally and observed, the
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  father who was always bringing the woman flowers and who is
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  Always saying that she's a light of his life and Mom, he's so
• 3:08
  wonderful and beautiful. So then then there's the other
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  hand, you know, on the other side are people that form this
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  fantasy in reaction to a deficit in the home.
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  And it could be even more intense based on this deficit.
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  And the yearning that the child felt from one or both parents
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  for something different. So many women, for example, one
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  a very romantic The marriage when they saw nothing of the
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  sword growing up, but they always felt that their mother
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  was yearning deeply wistfully for some sort of change in this
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  regard and for the father to act different, and many men yearn
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  for physical closeness, when they saw a father, who was
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  always getting rebuffed and pushed away.
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  And the mother was, you know, giving him a look like kind of
• 3:55
  don't touch me. So the those Sons pick up on
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  their fathers yearning and his rejection, and then they
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  resolved that it should be so different for them.
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  Unfortunately they did not learn very obviously anything that
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  worked you know that the father did to seduce the mother and so
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  therefore they don't really know how to put that in Motion in
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  order to get that sort of reaction from a woman, which
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  obviously amplifies the probability that they will
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  remain in the same situation that their father was in and it
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  really is much the same for women.
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  So if the woman did not see a mother who was getting any sort
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  of her emotional needs met and I was happy with the man that she
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  doesn't really know how to act happy with a man in a way that
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  would most likely lead to an increased likelihood of getting
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  her needs met. So it's very ironic and very sad
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  and this is why couples counseling can be very useful to
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  help people understand the origin of their Dynamics, as
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  well as work on them and changing them moving forward.
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  Such that they no longer have to remain in a constant state of
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  frustration on yearning. Like they may have seen.
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  So, what does a woman really deeply?
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  Yearn for romantically, flowers. Jewelry, whatever the hell you
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  think is really not it. Those are really proxy variables
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  because they mean that the man went out of his way, to make her
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  life better in that moment in a way that she didn't need, you
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  know, but but wanted, you know. So it's not just that he will
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  pull her out of a burning building, you know, because
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  she's going to die or that. He will take her out.
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  Able to be changed because her car is gonna, you know, whatever
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  cars do when you don't change the oil.
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  I mean I really have no idea about that one.
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  Perhaps they explode and or anything that she really needs.
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  But this is just something that you would want any loves her so
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  much that he would do anything to make her happy now, how does
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  this manifest in the direct asks that the man may not really
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  realize our representative of this underlying desire.
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  So the woman may ask the man to come home from work.
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  So this is such a big Big one and or asked him to take a day
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  off of work so that they could spend the day together and or
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  because she feels overwhelmed with the children.
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  So a lot of men won't do this because they feel that it's
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  going to set a precedent. Now, these are usually avoidant
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  attachment men that have a lot of problem with interdependence.
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  They themselves are really independent and they have no
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  idea why their wife would make them jump through hoops in this
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  way. Obviously, the woman is fully
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  capable of taking care of the kids.
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  Let's say, she's a stay-at-home. Mom or she fully understands
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  that they could get a date night sitter and go out and have
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  dinner together. So, why does she want him to
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  potentially? Fuck something up at work by.
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  Not going in for a day. Why did she make this her Hill
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  to die on? She is just really controlling
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  and difficult. That would be with the man would
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  think in reality. It's not that at all, it's that
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  she wants to see that. He prioritizes her overworked
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  one time, you know? And this has probably been a
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  bone of contention as it is in many.
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  Houses and she wants to see that he would do anything for her.
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  And in this case, anything is represented by him going and
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  like to work or taking a day off of work or something like that.
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  When she understands that work is important, it is in fact,
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  because she recognizes that work is important that it's so
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  meaningful and so men who don't want to do this.
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  Not only did they think this is some controlling crazy
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  irrational shit? She knows that I have to make
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  money for this family but they also think this is a precedent
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  if I do. She's going to want me to take
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  off work all the time and never have.
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  I seen this happen. What?
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  A women. They're not stupid.
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  You know, they understand, you need to make money.
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  Keep your job. In fact, when we talk in couples
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  counseling, like let's say the woman says, I wish that he would
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  just take off a day to be with me and go out, you know, go out
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  for lunch and that would be so wonderful if he didn't
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  prioritize work all the time and you just took off a day to be
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  with me and or the children. And so the man will be like if I
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  do That she's gonna want me to do that all the time.
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  If I do that all the time, you know what's going to happen to
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  my job? I'm going to lose my job.
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  So I say to her. Well, listen, how about we don't
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  commit to Once? How about we commit to, he'll do
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  it twice this month, right? You know what they say?
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  No, no, I don't need them. Do it twice.
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  I don't even do it twice this month.
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  Nor oh, I just like, what's it doesn't.
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  Have to be this month either. I mean it could be next month.
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  I mean, you know, could be this year like a be 2022, you know.
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  I just like maybe the late in the year.
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  Lee women walk it back real quick because they don't want to
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  like ruin your life. You know, they don't want to get
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  you fired, they want to show. They want you to want to make
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  them happy by doing anything that they want and then if they
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  get that you would do it, then they'll probably stop asking for
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  it honestly after the one time that you do it.
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  So it's interesting, it's very similar to like when women say
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  if you're like I do Hell, no, my wife never do that, think about
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  it. What if you said, what I really
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  want to do in bed is I want to have, I want to have a
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  threesome, and she's like, I'm ever going to have a threesome
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  because I have a threesome. One time who might have a
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  threesome every single week with a different woman.
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  Every look what you crazy. First of all, how would we even
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  get these women? They go in it like this is
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  something I want. Like, I don't know if the
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  situation arose somehow, I mean there's some way to do this.
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  One time. Cool.
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  You know like that would be a bucket list thing.
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  I mean never would a man say yeah, damn straight.
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  I wanted in fact, twice a week and if you do it once, I'll know
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  that you can do it. And then I will really ask for
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  twice a week and they'll be no Escape forever.
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  No way people aren't like this. They don't get off on other
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  people's discomfort or pain, or sacrifice what women want.
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  Is that men will do anything, they want the fantasy of that.
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  He will do anything for me. He will put me first and then
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  usually want the same Thing in bed, you know.
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  And so if you recognize this and you recognize that this is a
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  fantasy from the person's the part of their brain, that didn't
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  get enough love really as a child.
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  And that's what all of this stuff is about is basic
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  attachment, deficits from, not getting enough in your family of
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  origin. Even if you had a wonderful
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  family of origin, you didn't get everything you wanted, right?
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  No one does your mother had other children to take care of
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  your father? Had to go to work.
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  Your mother had to go to Your father had other children, take
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  care of whatever it's not gender based here, but either way, you
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  didn't get all your needs met. You were never somebody's only
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  only priority. So that is the ultimate fantasy
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  is to be somebody's only priority in a way that you never
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  really were as a kid and you're not an idiot, you're an adult.
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  You have kids probably of your own, you know, that you can't
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  get this done all the time. Nor would you want it?
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  You don't really want your wife. If to be your twenty-four-seven
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  sex slave, because how the hell would you go to work or coach
• 11:09
  little league? That would be awkward.
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  But you do want it to be something where you can tell
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  yourself and have some evidence that your partner will go out of
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  their way to make you deeply happy and prioritize you, and
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  for women, this frequently comes in this way.
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  I would want to know that you would do anything for me and
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  pick me over anybody. Oh, another one is with the
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  in-laws. This is a big one.
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  So the woman will say, I just want you to take my side one
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  time against your mom and he'll be like, if I'm always taking
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  your side over my mom, my poor mom.
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  Meanwhile, she's been through this that the other thing and
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  all she wants to do is see our kids, but he's not really
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  hearing what she said would usually.
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  Or if not, I'll articulate what she meant is, I want one time
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  when you make it clear to your mother that you agree with me
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  instead of her, this could literally be like your wife
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  says, I like watching real housewives in your mother's like
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  that. Stuff is shit.
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  And instead of you laughing and saying my, I think that stuff is
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  shit to you say, really. I think it could be funny that
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  literally, your mother. Your mother would look at you
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  with annoyance and that would be enough for your wife to feel
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  prioritized, no harm, no foul. If that is a Harmon foul with
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  your mother, then she has self-absorption issues and that
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  and there's bigger fish to fry if you can never agree with your
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  wife over her and you should anyway.
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  Even if you quote k out, of course you And you have to in
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  order to have a happy marriage but the point here is that it is
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  just exactly like the sex thing. So just like you you might say
• 12:45
  to your wife, I want more blow jobs and then imagine how you
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  feel. If she says, well, if I am
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  blowing you twice a day. Then how could I possibly
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  maintain my job as a preschool teacher?
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  It's like, what are you talking about?
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  What are you even talking about? I'm talking about every other
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  week or possibly, once a month, that would be great going.
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  From zero. You know, and she means the same
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  thing. She doesn't mean you should say
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  my I never want you to come over our house again.
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  What she wants you to say is oh you know I actually do like you
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  know my wife's cookies also in addition to yours and sometimes
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  I like her cake even better than the sponge cake.
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  You used to buy like literally she wants like one time that you
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  say one thing where you overtly put her first.
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  So Whatever domain you you frequently fight about whether
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  it's in laws, whether it is time from work, whether it is money,
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  there's a big one. You can always be nickel and
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  diming and super Frugal. So one time, your wife wants to
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  see that you buy some big expensive thing, not even super
• 13:54
  expensive, quite honestly would weird her out as I'm saying,
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  look what I say to the women. Okay.
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  So you want them to spend like a thousand dollars on a bag for
• 14:02
  you. They like what?
• 14:03
  No what no I don't mean that. That you know I mean like you
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  know a couple hundred bucks and so women never want to just like
• 14:12
  feed upon immense like weakness or helplessness as like some of
• 14:17
  the manosphere blogs might have. You think they want to be
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  prioritized in exactly the same way, analogously to how men
• 14:24
  generally want to be prioritized in the bedroom.
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  It's a fantasy that for one. Glorious moment, you are going
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  to have all of your needs met and there.
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  For you will feel completely prioritized in a way that you
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  really probably never have or have not within many years, you
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  know. And this can be a very healing
• 14:46
  experience. Somebody's desire for either one
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  of these either, the sexual or non-sexual version does not
• 14:52
  become selfish in any sort of bad way.
• 14:55
  It makes them completely normal healthy person that has
• 15:00
  fantasies about being really loved and cared for in a Elway
• 15:05
  and being somebody's number, one person.
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  And so, if you can make your wife feel like this, then you're
• 15:13
  really going to open the floodgates of her love for you,
• 15:16
  which may manifest sexually. Or, you know, it may just
• 15:19
  manifest in that she's a hell of a lot happier, which most guys
• 15:22
  would honestly take in a heartbeat also.
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  And so what I want you to try that.
• 15:28
  If you're listening to, this is really try to ask your partner.
• 15:32
  What is something? And since this one's about
• 15:34
  wives, Have so many about sex just did the blowjob one.
• 15:37
  Why don't you ask your wife? What if I did it would make you
• 15:42
  feel truly? Like I put you first if I if you
• 15:45
  don't feel like I do you feel like I put you first and if
• 15:48
  she's like oh yeah sure. You definitely do your so great
• 15:51
  and she says it in the middle of sex with you because that's, you
• 15:54
  know, she's so thrilled with you all the time, then sure.
• 15:57
  Don't listen to. This podcast is not relevant to
• 15:59
  you. But if she's like what do you
• 16:01
  mean? Put me first?
• 16:02
  I mean like you mean like this or even like This do you mean
• 16:05
  this thing you don't do or do you mean to say you don't do
• 16:07
  well then you are like the majority of men and she does not
• 16:10
  feel like she is put first. So then you say what something I
• 16:14
  could do to show to you. That I really put you first
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  because I really want to show you and then literally, if she
• 16:19
  says something, do it, like that's the best advice I could
• 16:21
  give you. If she's like, well, you know,
• 16:24
  what would make me feel good? I would like you to write now
• 16:27
  book. A vacation with me.
• 16:28
  Be like, get out the laptop. I am ready to go rock and roll.
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  Get out the laptop, get out the credit card.
• 16:34
  We're going to book some shit. Right now before we go to sleep
• 16:37
  and she look at you like you lost your mind and she will
• 16:39
  probably smile and laugh when she sees you're really going to
• 16:42
  do it and be in a very happy mood because she feels like your
• 16:46
  beloved special person and if she says what came over, you
• 16:50
  never lie. I told you this already, share
• 16:53
  any openness is good. Openness is so great for
• 16:56
  marriage is, people don't believe me but it is and they
• 16:59
  don't believe me until they try it.
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  Then they see that it is so say I was listening to podcast and
• 17:03
  give us a happier man. Marriage.
• 17:05
  I realized that despite me loving you, you may not know
• 17:08
  that I love you because you know, whenever you ask me to do
• 17:10
  something, I always have my devil's advocate reasons why I
• 17:12
  shouldn't do it. So instead of doing that I want
• 17:15
  to tell you that I care about you deeply and that it, I value
• 17:19
  what you whatever it is, that makes you feel special.
• 17:21
  I value now don't do this. I joked around that, you know,
• 17:25
  she'll have more sex with you. She probably will, but don't do
• 17:28
  this for that, you know, remember my nice guy podcasts
• 17:32
  about the covert contracts beat It to be a good guy.
• 17:36
  Like to be a good husband. If anything, I said resonates
• 17:39
  with you and my analogy between her desires and your sexual
• 17:42
  desires resonated, then do it because now maybe finally you
• 17:45
  realize why she's doing some such irrational shit, like
• 17:48
  asking you to do stuff that. So not in your comfort zone or
• 17:52
  like, you know, going in an hour late to work or whatever.
• 17:55
  So, if this made you think, please share it with your
• 17:59
  partner or just try it out in the wild, like I just
• 18:03
  recommended And subscribe, subscribe, because every time
• 18:08
  somebody subscribes, I get newly invigorated to have these
• 18:12
  wonderful brilliant ideas for podcasts which you love so much
• 18:16
  and you can listen to the same time as I record them.
• 18:18
  While picking up your children before they get into the car and
• 18:22
  I'll talk to everybody later. Have a great day guys.