Latest / Libido Lounge / Girlfriend Edition: Our Sex Lives, Libido, and Everything in Between

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Girlfriend Edition: Our Sex Lives, Libido, and Everything in Between · Libido Lounge

• 0:00
  Welcome to the libido lounge.
• 0:02
  We focus on all things love, lust, and libido.
• 0:05
  We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food.
• 0:20
  Hey, everybody.
• 0:21
  Welcome back to another episode on the LAU's.
• 0:24
  I'm doctor Diane, your libido doc.
• 0:26
  And I have a very special introduction and gift for you today.
• 0:31
  First of all, happy New Year, everybody.
• 0:34
  For this New Year special, we have girlfriend edition.
• 0:38
  So I'm gonna do a few of these this year, girlfriend edition of the libido lounge.
• 0:42
  And, of course, because of that, I have a couple friends with me.
• 0:46
  So we are gonna keep this episode super casual.
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  It's gonna feel like you're heading out of the lounge with us, talking to your girlfriends.
• 0:55
  That's kind of the intention of today.
• 0:57
  And so to introduce you to two of my besties, I'm gonna let you know a little secret, which
• 1:02
  is that in my friend group, we have nicknames.
• 1:06
  And so I'm gonna introduce you to my friends by their nicknames.
• 1:10
  So here right behind me is Ruby.
• 1:13
  Hi.
• 1:14
  And then right next to her is Sapphire.
• 1:17
  So we're gonna have this amazing talk.
• 1:19
  Ruby's been on the show before.
• 1:21
  We talked about her work with radical embodiment.
• 1:25
  Sapphire does amazing work with social justice and works in the social justice field, and we
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  are here to just have a conversation about libido.
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  So let's get started, ladies.
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  Okay.
• 1:37
  So let's talk about healthy libido.
• 1:40
  Tell me about when your libido has felt really healthy and alive and what it has done for you.
• 1:48
  Do you wanna start to sob, or you want me to start
• 1:50
  to start to sob?
• 1:51
  Okay.
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  When my libido has felt really healthy.
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  Yeah.
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  But, like, how do you feel?
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  Like, when you notice that your libido is really healthy, like, how Well, it's and
• 1:58
  you I was saying you both are wearing beautiful tracksuits because, I'm gonna get too much
• 2:04
  information too, Cornette.
• 2:05
  It's okay.
• 2:07
  Well, a couple of us maybe did a Yoni steam last weekend, and, we kinda casually joked
• 2:13
  after our our bulb was originally watermelon blush color.
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  And I have to share that because what comes to me is I imagine is, like, thinking of my bulb
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  at this, like, flowering, beautiful, flush, soft area.
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  You know?
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  And so what that feels like though to me is there's a lot of life force, a lot of vibrancy,
• 2:32
  a lot of vitality, a lot of energy.
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  But I have a tendency in my system and my body to be really rigid and hold a lot of attention.
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  But when I'm really connected into my libido, that kind of thinking of that kind of
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  flowering, that softness helps my system drop down and not be so rigid to try to hold myself
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  up or get something done.
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  And I
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  just feel more in flow.
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  I'm productive because I'm clear, but it's not coming from, like, a do do do place.
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  Coming more from a connection and a desire like a
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  yeah.
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  So
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  what did he even notice then?
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  So, like, what you're saying then is when you're in that outer mouth, you know, that's
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  right.
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  That that's what I'm saying.
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  Oh, and the softness.
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  But yeah.
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  Right?
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  So when you're in the softness of that, it's like it it's feeling like you're connected more
• 3:23
  deeply to your libido.
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  So what's happening then if you're feeling rigid?
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  Like, do you
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  can you access your libido if you're feeling rigid?
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  Great question.
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  Yes.
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  I personally can most of the time, I can access my libido.
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  So how would I look?
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  What is maybe the pathway?
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  Is that kind
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  of what you're asking?
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  Yeah.
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  So so let's say you've had a hard day.
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  Let's say, like, you've had a day, you worked with a lot of clients, and you're exhausted.
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  Let's say somebody is road raging you on the way home from your clinic day.
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  You have to say, hi.
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  Thanks.
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  And you're you get home, and you see your partner.
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  And all of a sudden, you're like, wow.
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  Like, your partner was maybe hitting on you, and you're like, okay.
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  I'm feeling like, do you ever have moments where you're feeling like,
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  I can't access that right now?
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  Usually, especially if it's after a full day with clients, I need a little, like, fifteen
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  minute window when I come home to just go and, like, do my thing, which would first be, like,
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  unload all my stuff.
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  You know, do my whatever sorting because just how my brain tracks and works.
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  Like, if I can just have that taken care of, it helps me relax, and then I probably wanna go
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  shower or go I often will flash myself with rose water, just some sort of cleansing
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  something ritual, change my clothes, then I can shift in.
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  So it doesn't usually need, like, a long window, but usually I do need a little bit of
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  time if I've had a really long day of working in a special building space to clients that, to
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  shift out of that.
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  And yeah.
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  Which would usually just be honestly managing things, bringing my stuff in, storing laundry.
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  Right?
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  Like, very householdy.
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  Yeah.
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  But then would be tending to me of changing my clothes.
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  Maybe I put my oil on.
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  My rose definitely always always.
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  That spiritual.
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  Yeah.
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  I know that.
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  Ruby's fabulous.
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  Whenever we go to concerts and shows, she always has her rose water with us, and it is
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  just delightful to camp and be sprayed with rose water.
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  I can't even tell you how much that opens up.
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  So and now we know it could signal our media exactly.
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  Each time you come to me, oh, and you're rose water, I might just invite a little, like,
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  touching in with my, you know, knee, my vulva.
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  Mhmm.
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  Mhmm.
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  Well, that's So that's the trigger.
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  Right?
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  Because we can use those tactile triggers to kinda restinulate that feeling that we want.
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  So how about you?
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  Like, what do you notice, Sapphire, from a standpoint of, like, brakes, accelerators?
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  Like, what kinds of things are really the types of things that are really revving your libido
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  up versus, like like, put it putting it
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  to a halt?
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  So with brakes and accelerators, I would say, something that really helps me feel like the
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  flow fluidity rhythm of my libido and my arousal is when I feel in deep connection with
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  my partner, when I feel seen and heard because I've been able to just share about how I am,
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  what's on my mind.
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  Maybe if there was, like, a worry or a concern that's come up during my day and I wanna just
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  be heard in that, I noticed that that's a place where my body starts to really relax once I've
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  been able to just be met there.
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  And that is a real accelerator moving into more desire, more, connection, more pleasure.
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  A break for me on the other hand is when that doesn't happen.
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  So for example, I've had the experience of going out, being excited for a a date, a hot
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  date night, going out to dinner.
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  And as soon as I saw my man, I was like, ugh, he looks so good.
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  I feel so good.
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  This is a great night.
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  We're at this great restaurant.
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  And it just so happened that he was coming off a long drive with lots of traffic, and he had
• 7:26
  been managing a lot that day with technology and things, like, not working out.
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  And so he arrived really distracted Yeah.
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  And just in a different place.
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  Not wrong, not bad, just coming in with a different energy.
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  And so I noticed in my system that my, like, like, opening to him kind of starts dropping a
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  bit because our energy is not quite in the right place where I'm not feeling that sense of
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  being seen and heard and met.
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  Yeah.
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  And of course, we can find our way there, but it is something that's important for me to move
• 8:05
  more into that desire.
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  You're making me think of, like, one of the things I talk about is this concept of desire
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  mismatch.
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  And oftentimes, I talk about it in the terms of, like, oh, it's more kind of like a a
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  chronic problem for people, right, where it's like one person is way more turned on than the
• 8:24
  other.
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  But what you're making me realize is I need to start thinking about this even, like, short
• 8:28
  term and talk about it more from a short term standpoint.
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  Because in that moment, I would call that just, like, a short term desire mismatch, right,
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  where it's like, how do you manage?
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  Wow.
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  You are, like, in the pleasure and all the expectations that go with, like, oh, we're
• 8:42
  gonna have this perfect night.
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  And then he's having his own experience, which is not wrong.
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  It's just his own experience at this day and where he's at, and then you miss each other.
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  Yeah.
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  So how did it go?
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  How did you how did you conquer this particular one?
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  Well, the that that time that I'm thinking of, I I just kind of sent I I kind of came back
• 9:05
  into myself and and noticed what was a lie for me.
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  And we spent the night kind of having, like, one of my teachers calls it parallel play.
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  Like, we are connected together, like, giving each other some space.
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  Yeah.
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  Because in my mind, and and checking in with him, he he just needed like, when we got home
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  from our dinner, he actually said, like, could we just sit and meditate a little bit, like, so
• 9:33
  that I can kind of ground?
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  And so that's where the night went that particular evening.
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  And I also was secretly glad because I was super tired.
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  And I was like, okay.
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  Well, let's let's go to sleep because there's always the morning for my desire.
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  Like, oh, so, yeah, that night, it it just kind of shifted the way the night unfolded.
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  Mhmm.
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  And and that also felt fine.
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  You know?
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  I I felt like I one of the other things I was gonna share, was just around this practice that
• 10:06
  I learned from Jamie Thompson who's been on your podcast around noticing an approval and
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  just noticing what's coming up in me.
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  And instead of creating a story around it, like, for example, oh, you know, he's
• 10:21
  distracted.
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  It must be because I did something wrong where I don't look right or some you know, and then
• 10:27
  spinning out on the story and all of a sudden there's this space between us and I'm totally
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  in this other place of being hard on myself, self criticizing.
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  That is a real killer.
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  You have libido for me that can actually spill over.
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  You know, I could go to sleep and wake up and be in that same place.
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  So I really try to practice this noticing and approval of like, oh, okay.
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  What's going on?
• 10:54
  Oh, that's okay.
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  You know?
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  Oh, oh, we're in different places.
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  That's also okay.
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  You know?
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  And if I need something different, then I can reach out and talk about what I eat.
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  Mhmm.
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  Yeah.
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  People also Have you noticed that
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  for myself?
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  Relate to that.
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  Yeah.
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  I can relate to that.
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  I mean, even what comes to mind is a really small example of being with someone and, the
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  dance of this was, like, in a new relationship.
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  And was I staying the night?
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  Was I not staying the night?
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  We both had very, very early mornings the next day too, and it wasn't quite set.
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  And so, originally, I didn't wanna stay the night.
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  But then once we were together and it was cold, I was like, oh, I wanna stay.
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  I thought I did.
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  Anyway, because I was it's so in my desire, and someone just wanted to cuddle and be together
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  and not hold.
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  And and, he wasn't just flat out saying stay.
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  He was he was being like, what what do you want?
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  And I was just being a little like, I wanna stay if you don't want me.
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  I was doing that dance, but I noticed it was, like, so good.
• 11:54
  I was feeling so connected to him.
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  And what I noticed is my head wanted to go into story.
• 12:01
  I was able to pause it, but, like, like, I was so felt so connected, so in desire and arousal.
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  And then my head went into this, oh, he doesn't want me to stay.
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  I'm making so thick.
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  And it totally took me out of my body and took me out even though I'm literally, like, laying
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  on top of him.
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  Right?
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  It was so interesting to just watch.
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  Mhmm.
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  It
• 12:19
  was able to slow it down.
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  I was also a little, like, premenstrual, so I had some hormones.
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  You know?
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  That for me does make me more a little tendency to not only be more sensitive, but a little
• 12:31
  maybe quicker to have the potential of going into spiraling into story.
• 12:37
  But, you know, was able to, you know, took some breaths and then even checked in with myself,
• 12:42
  which for me, I then needed to go to the bathroom.
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  And that just is helpful for me to not be submerged and come into, okay.
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  Where am I at?
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  What am I feeling?
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  What do I need?
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  Actually, I need to go sleep alone.
• 12:53
  Am I gonna look at better rest?
• 12:55
  Mhmm.
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  Because I'm at 5AM.
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  But there was you know, I won't go to the other story of what I, you know, was coming up for
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  me, but it was interesting.
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  It did take me.
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  Yeah.
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  So I think that watching that story and not going into I love that languaging of go to see
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  say, an approval.
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  It's a great way to just language it and frame it.
• 13:15
  And this was a little, I think, similar, but a little different because I, wasn't so much, you
• 13:22
  know, having an experience that I was rejecting, but it was more of I thought I
• 13:26
  wanted him to want me to I just needed him to say that it was some other insecure, younger
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  part of me coming out.
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  Yeah.
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  You know?
• 13:35
  It can be slight.
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  So It can be.
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  But it was such a for me, great thing.
• 13:39
  I was like, oh.
• 13:41
  Oh?
• 13:42
  Yeah.
• 13:43
  Yeah.
• 13:43
  No.
• 13:43
  Similar stuff too.
• 13:44
  Like, I mean, my current partner, he is the most affirmative partner that I ever had as far
• 13:51
  as words of affection and saying sweet things.
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  And, you know, I personally feel that it I do have a responsibility myself to, like, self
• 14:00
  affirm as well.
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  Right?
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  But it shouldn't always be on, you know, just my partner.
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  But having, like, self affirming for any of the insecurities that come up as well as then
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  having a partner who isn't afraid to tell me over and over and over again.
• 14:16
  Like, it's never, you know, it's never too much to say I'm beautiful, and he sees all the sweet
• 14:20
  things about me and all of that.
• 14:22
  I have found that that level of affirming has been so helpful for adopting to me into my
• 14:29
  sensual body as not popping
• 14:30
  out of my body like Yeah.
• 14:32
  Like you ladies are talking about.
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  Yeah.
• 14:34
  So I know we talked about offline a few things about, like, hard breaks.
• 14:39
  Are there any other hard breaks besides that's that have puts the big stalker for
• 14:44
  you guys on, you know, on intimacy?
• 14:48
  Well, it
• 14:48
  came when we were talking.
• 14:50
  Yes.
• 14:50
  I'm very sensual.
• 14:52
  So since it's so important, smell, taste, environment, texture.
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  So if something is off, like breath,
• 15:05
  that
• 15:05
  is a good one.
• 15:06
  That can, take me out of my experience for sure.
• 15:12
  And until we tend to that thing or, you know, some things like scratchy.
• 15:17
  Although now in this one moment, well,
• 15:18
  I can't, like, drop into that, like, leg up.
• 15:20
  But most of the
• 15:22
  But scratching it back.
• 15:24
  Yeah.
• 15:24
  Yeah.
• 15:24
  Right?
• 15:24
  But so most I will say if there's there's something in the environment that is not
• 15:29
  pleasing to to me and into my system, that can take me out of my arousal experience for sure.
• 15:36
  So what I'm curious about that is let's say you're in that moment where you've, like,
• 15:40
  popped out of your arousal experience.
• 15:43
  How do you manage that?
• 15:43
  Do you say, oh, you sent my partner to or should I be She said, yeah.
• 15:48
  Good.
• 15:50
  Or or if I'm just, like, desiring a little more sensual play and touch and feel, maybe I bring
• 15:57
  in some oils with some really nice, like, essential oil blend in with them, so some
• 16:02
  really beautiful smells that for me are really central and turn me on.
• 16:05
  Mhmm.
• 16:05
  And and maybe I ask, can we just do five or ten minutes of massage?
• 16:09
  Only that.
• 16:10
  Yeah.
• 16:11
  If I'm feeling a little you know, that can really then help me have a way more pleasurable
• 16:17
  experience.
• 16:17
  Mhmm.
• 16:19
  What I love about that too is I think it's one of the things that I think is such a turn on
• 16:25
  for women as well as for men is take what you want and actually being able to drop into that
• 16:32
  point of naming it and saying it in a way that's clear with kindness, but also I mean,
• 16:38
  how many of us, like, have walked around for years, like, especially in earlier years, like
• 16:43
  but I know many people for many years doing things that are, like, not the things that
• 16:48
  please your partner, you know, all of those kind of things.
• 16:51
  And you're just, like, naming that and getting that out of the way by saying, like, oh, I know
• 16:55
  what my pleasure body wants, and I'm gonna stand for my pleasure body and communicate with
• 16:58
  my pleasure body.
• 17:00
  And, yeah, that's a really good recipe.
• 17:02
  Yumminess.
• 17:03
  I like to yeah.
• 17:05
  Good recipe for yummy.
• 17:06
  Yes.
• 17:07
  Just get some essential oils, like, recipe full of those so
• 17:12
  you get to brush
• 17:13
  your teeth.
• 17:13
  Don't need to brush your teeth, and then do ten minutes of oil massage.
• 17:19
  Well, ladies, thank you so much for joining me on this episode of the Girlfriend Edition.
• 17:25
  And, everybody, we will have another girlfriend edition coming up.
• 17:29
  So please do like this channel.
• 17:31
  Please do share this.
• 17:33
  Please go back and listen to Emily's previous episode, and we'll put, you know, links to all
• 17:40
  that and to her practice and her work with women and with humans on radical embodiments.
• 17:46
  And that's really it for now.
• 17:48
  Oh, and don't forget.
• 17:49
  Yes.
• 17:49
  The quiz of thank you.
• 17:51
  Great.
• 17:52
  Yeah.
• 17:52
  Great resource through doctor d over here.
• 17:55
  Really.
• 17:55
  So one
• 17:56
  of the other things we'll put in the show notes for you guys, we're talking about things like
• 17:59
  Sapphire was talking about around her emotional body and really needing to drop into those
• 18:05
  emotions in order to actually experience turn on or when we're talking about Ruby and Ruby
• 18:10
  talking about more of that sensual body and that being an important part for turn on.
• 18:15
  You can go and take my quiz to learn what sex type you are, and the sex types are basically
• 18:19
  archetypes that help you guide you to your unique style of what's most important to you
• 18:26
  when it comes to your libido and your turn ons.
• 18:28
  And they're super fun to do with your partner because oftentimes what happens like, we talked
• 18:32
  today about desire, miss, and that's, like, oftentimes what happens is we have an emotive
• 18:36
  with a sensei.
• 18:37
  You know?
• 18:38
  We have these two different types of sexual ex you know, people that are prioritizing
• 18:43
  different things.
• 18:43
  And when we know that about our partner,
• 18:46
  we can show up for them so much more.
• 18:49
  So and, also, also wanna let you guys know that we're gonna be letting you guys know all month
• 18:55
  this month that February, we are launching a four day better sex challenge, and I'm giving
• 19:01
  this to you for free.
• 19:03
  So it's four days.
• 19:04
  You're gonna learn how to have better sex.
• 19:06
  How do we conceive?
• 19:07
  Just a bit.
• 19:08
  What?
• 19:09
  How to Yeah.
• 19:13
  You
• 19:15
  know, petition?
• 19:17
  What What yourself?
• 19:18
  No.
• 19:19
  I mean, you could do that if you want, but that's not what the challenge is about.
• 19:22
  So so please yeah.
• 19:23
  So it's, like, gonna be a jump start your libido over four days.
• 19:27
  Please do sign up.
• 19:28
  I'm offering that for you guys for free.
• 19:31
  I said I want the
• 19:34
  truth.
• 19:34
  You might you might be competing against this one, but it's not really a challenge.
• 19:38
  Alright, everybody.
• 19:39
  It's been a pleasure to have you for this particular girlfriend edition.
• 19:42
  Thank you for being here.
• 19:43
  We'll see you in another one.
• 19:45
  Remember, always stay classy, always stay sexy, always be a little badassy.
• 19:50
  See you next time.
• 19:54
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 19:56
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 19:58
  Please share this with your friends.
• 20:00
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.