Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Should You Ever Take A Break From Sexual Intimacy?

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Should You Ever Take A Break From Sexual Intimacy? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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Psych mom show today. I am going to do another
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requested topic by a member of my secret Facebook group that
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you should definitely join. And somebody asked if there are
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times when it is smart to take a break from intimacy because
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things aren't going well or basically for any other reason
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that it would be better to take a pause versus to continue doing
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something that may be. Isn't really working, or isn't
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making the couple feel connected or at least one partner.
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So, it's an interesting question.
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And obviously, I work with a lot of people in sexless, marriages
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and marriages were there were lots of breaks taken too many.
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So. So, it's interesting to think
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about if there are positive, reasons for a break, and before
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I do that, I of course, want to tell you to subscribe because my
0:59
next one will probably be subscriber.
1:01
Only, that will probably be one of my couples you meet in
1:03
counseling, the Ice Queen. And the Martyr I think is next
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and that's super interesting for people who are in relationships
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where they feel that their wife is cold or avoidant and they're
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trying to do everything to meet their, their wife's needs.
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And why does that not turn out? Well, but for now, let's go back
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to the topic at hand. So are there ever reasons to
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take a break from sex? So yeah, I mean, obviously there
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are biological one certainly. If somebody is ill, if
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somebody's just given birth, if Somebody is grieving if somebody
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just overall is like really not in a good place, you know, then
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they may not be comfortable with intimacy, right then and as a
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partner and a human being, you obviously would not want to push
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it when somebody's going through some bad shit, you know, also, I
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mean nursing a woman's sex drive tanks and goes basically your
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body goes into menopause which I've mentioned before, in my
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podcast on Reasons Why women's libido can be low in terms of
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the couple. It's Self.
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It's interesting, you know so we can discuss like why you would
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want to take a break because the couple isn't doing well.
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So when the couple is not feeling close.
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So usually what that means is the woman or the lower libido,
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partner does not feel emotionally connected to the
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higher libido partner. And so that person, I'm just
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going to say the woman sits more frequently.
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The woman wants to take a break from intimacy until she feels
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closer. So unfortunately, what can
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happen with this as But he knows who's listening and can predict
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it is that then the man can't feel close because they're not
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having sex. So it's like that's his love
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language. Hers is emotional connection.
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So it's, you know, it's cutting off your nose to spite your face
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and this usually doesn't end well plus people can kind of
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really get out of the rhythm of ever having sex.
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When they stopped within monogamy.
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This is how a lot of sexless marriages happen.
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Is there some sort of Hiatus and then people never come back.
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So I would really Ali usually not recommend for like not gonna
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bring you closer, let's put it that way.
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If the person really cannot bring themselves to have sex any
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more than couples counseling needs to start right away
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because it's very dangerous. Really for the marriage, not
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for, for one person's needs to go completely unmet.
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Obviously. It's also bad for both people's
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needs to go unmet which A situation that would be
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happening then. So it's twice as bad.
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So this puts the marriage in a very dangerous precarious
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position where now instead of one person feeling like their
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needs are not getting met both are and now let me just clear up
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some mythology. If a woman doesn't feel
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emotionally connected there's like no way that she's having
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good sex with the guy. Anyway, I mean, let's be real.
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So like if you're a woman who's like, yeah, I'm still like
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meeting all of his needs even though I am so completely
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dissatisfied and miserable. And this relationship constantly
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about the lack of emotional affection.
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No, you're not your basic. I mean, unless you are like a
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unicorn but most women in that situation are having extremely
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unenthusiastic. Basically dead sex just to
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almost like check a box and the guy knows it so he's not really
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getting any needs met. So the real reframe of this is
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like, are you? To take away, even the like,
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like kind of the barest outline of the minimum of what the man's
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needs are in order to punish him for not meeting your needs.
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In other ways, is usually not good, like that usually doesn't
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work. Well.
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Now, if you really again, cannot bring yourself to have sex with
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your spouse, and you should be in couples counseling like right
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away, or if you know, in your own head, that it's the
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beginning of the end for you, then you should be an individual
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counseling. To to figure that out.
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So if you're a woman and you've like, said that you're on break
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from having sex with your husband, but you can really
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genuinely never think of having sex with him again and you kind
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of know that then you should be figuring out next step so that
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you guys don't have to be together anymore, you know, not
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just like endlessly having a sex Hiatus, which is going to turn
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into like months and years. So that isn't good for anybody.
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So in a case also, where the lower libido partner woman, does
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not feel that. Her emotional needs are being
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met, then she's got to talk about and she's got to see that
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before. It's bad enough for like a sex
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break, you know, like if you feel that like how have you been
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feeling then for the previous week's months Etc.
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Like we need to get you into counseling before it comes to
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something. That is so bad.
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That you feel like sex moratorium is in order to right
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the ship because it's not going to right the ship.
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It's going to make things worse. But we ideally would want a
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couple to be in counseling before way way way before that
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happens. So I have heard though about
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like other like reasons that people have sex brakes and like
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one of them was somebody told me years ago that they weren't
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having sex with a partner because they both didn't feel
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good about their bodies, right? And I was like a mutually
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agreed-upon Hiatus. I mean if people want to do
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that, like if both people agreed to take a Hiatus from sex for
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some reason, well sure I mean anything that's both people
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agree on is fine. I don't see how that makes
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people feel better about their bodies.
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But I mean, I guess if people are really really into what they
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look like and they feel that they are in some big initiative
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to get fit and they want to reward themselves eventually
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with having sex. I mean, that could be cool.
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That was like the only time I ever heard that but Maybe
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there's other people doing that if there's ever like a mutually
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agreed upon reason for a Hiatus. Like some people don't have sex
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like before their wedding, even though they were having sex
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before, you know, for like a month or something so that they
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get could be special. Sure.
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Like there could be reasons that people agreed to do this.
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I've just you know, obviously my occupation is a couple's
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counselor. So I'm not seeing people who
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were like super happy bound against a.
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Yeah, we have a sex Hiatus and it worked for us.
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I'm seeing people that are like, we have a sex Hiatus and that
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turned To a sex drought. And we haven't had sex in two
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years, so that kind of thing. Usually predicts, the end of a
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relationship rather than some sort of Renaissance afterwards.
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However, are there times where a sex Hiatus certainly might be
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very good. Yeah, like in terms of the
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emotional piece of it, there the specific situation I'm thinking
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about is if there's betrayal, so if there has been betrayal, then
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you Usually the partner who has been betrayed, does not want to
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have sex with the other partner because they feel completely
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betrayed and lied to and then they would feel that they're
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being dishonest with themselves and like, you know, disingenuous
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if they have sex with the betraying partner, so that makes
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sense that you wouldn't want to open up sexually to somebody who
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has done something to hurt you, and of course in an abusive
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situation. Not only should you be on a sex
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Hiatus, but you should get out of the relationship, but we're
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talking about here. Betrayal where you're thinking
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that you're going to stay together, then couples
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counseling can be very useful to get you back on track.
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But I've often seen a sex Hiatus, then, especially right,
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after you discover the infidelity because then you feel
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totally blindsided, and in a ptsd-like, trauma State.
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And so, your body just doesn't work the same.
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Sometimes people have like, what we call hysterical bonding after
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that, where they get like super upset and they want to keep the
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cheating partner, so they have sex with them, but at some point
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down, The line, there's usually a Hiatus even if that period
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happens. So that would be kind of a
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normative sort of thing. Now, again, it's normal like not
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to want to have sex with somebody who you don't feel
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close to, but that doesn't mean that you should just take a
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Hiatus. That means that the couple
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should be in counseling to try to deal with that because
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there's going to be no emotionally distant partner.
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That acts emotionally closer when they're cut off from sex.
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That's just never going to happen.
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And if they do, Bullshit you that they feel closer because
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they're getting desperate and they want to have sex.
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That's not the kind of thing you want.
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Like, you know, you don't want somebody to feel like, oh, I
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better like act clothes because otherwise she's cutting me off
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from sex because, you know, that's bad.
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Like then the partner feels manipulated.
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So then they're being manipulative and return.
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Then that's like a situation where nobody's being their best
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and most genuine self. So like to summarize on this
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topic, if you feel like taking a hiatus, From intimacy with
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somehow repair your marriage, you really have to have a deep
10:08
open and honest talk about that with your partner.
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Because in most cases, the partner will not agree with
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that, to put it mildly and I've never actually seen that go.
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Well. In fact, I've written a lot
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about that. The emotional piece on the
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sexual piece need to be discussed and worked on at the
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same time in couples counseling. Because interestingly now that
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I'm talking, I realized that a lot of Additional couples
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counseling actually Embraces this model and that's why it
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doesn't really work very well such that.
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I mean, I'll explain such that. The therapist is under the
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impression that if the emotional portion of the relationship is
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somehow healed or resolved, sex will recur spontaneously and it
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doesn't, you know, and that's like I see.
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So many clients who've been a couples counseling for years,
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and they've never talked about sex.
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And, and Endlessly, they're trying to resolve emotional or
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communication issues or breakdowns and the sex piece
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never gets worked on and they get further and further away
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from ever having had sex. So then the lower libido partner
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is very anxious about the recurrence of Sex and the
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resumption of sex. And I believe frequently
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subconsciously. Then, you know stays in
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counseling endlessly working on emotional stuff because at least
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then there's some sort of approved reason that they're not
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having X because the emotional stuff has not been fully worked
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out. Is it ever though?
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I mean, is there ever a relationship, a marriage where
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all emotional issues are completely worked out and
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everybody's dancing around in a meadow with unicorns.
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I don't think so. So if anytime there's an
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emotional issue or a disconnect sex is to be removed.
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Then that's actually removing the love language and the
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language of fulfillment and closeness of at least one of the
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partners from the equation. And that doesn't work.
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It would be like as though if you if your husband so that you
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weren't having enough sex with him.
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So therefore he wasn't going to be nice to you.
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So that isn't that is what it is.
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You know, like that's just like that the shadow of that.
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So even if you're saying no, no, it's not that I'm punishing.
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It's just that I genuinely don't feel connected.
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I mean, people genuinely have to do shit that I want to do within
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marriage. And this should not be
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controversial. And one of Would be either try
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to fulfill a partner's love language or make an active
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proactive, real effort to resolve issues, you know, in a
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very intense sort of way. If you are feeling like you have
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to cut somebody off from their primary mode of closeness.
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So, like instead of saying we're just not going to have sex until
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I feel closer you would say I have booked us with a couple's
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counselor, you know, because we need to resolve this matter.
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Ridge, stat, you know, we need to work on things because I
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don't want to have no sex life. I know that that's really
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important at least to you since I don't feel like it now.
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That's a bad sign for the future of our marriage.
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And I'm hoping that there's some ways that we can work to
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reconnect because I'm understanding this is an urgent
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problem. Basically, the Hiatus is
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happening, but I am taking it as a very urgent Canary in the
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coal, mine about the future of our relationship.
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So in that case, you know, Yeah, I mean that could be the only
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way that I would say a Hiatus would be really useful in any
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way is if it is thought to be a major, major warning signal.
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That things are wrong in the marriage and the immediate
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precipitator of embarkment, embarkment embankment.
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When I think it of embarking on a round of couples counseling
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and if you do go to couples counseling, there's but any
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sexual issue you must get a couple's counselor, who is
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Familiar with and comfortable with talking about sexual issues
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and prioritizing sexual issues, in addition to other sorts of
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issues because otherwise people end up throwing good money after
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bad in these endless cycles of couples counseling where the sex
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life is never even discussed. And it's certainly not treated
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as an issue to be tackled alongside other issues.
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And if you are in such a couples counseling then you know, really
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talk to your high libido partner about it.
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If they're going to be honest with you, they're going to be
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like this is horrible, you know, every week I show up.
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I feel like maybe I'm going to do better.
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I'm going to somehow have made you happy.
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I don't. And also, we never have sex and
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we're never talking about it. So, really, I mean, take this,
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if you are in couples counseling, than take this time
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to tell your partner, ask your partner, genuinely how they feel
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about it. And if it is addressing all of
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the problems that they have, which may include sex, you know,
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or the lack Back there of so and that's by the way, why a lot of
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men don't like to come into therapy, particularly couples
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counseling because it's very historically, traditionally has
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been very focused on verbal expressions of emotion and
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communication and that's that is more toward what women are
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trained in and are really comfortable with versus more.
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Proactive goal-oriented styles that also include sex as a
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priority which is what men would be more comfortable.
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With. All right, so hopefully you
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found this to be useful about the idea of sexual hiatuses or
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breaks. And what I think that they do
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and do not accomplish and where they might fit into the
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trajectory of a marriage, given various things that might
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transpire, and please do subscribe because whatever I
15:52
record next is going to be subscriber, only hot probably
15:55
going to be the couples counseling, one that I told you
15:57
about before couples you meet in counseling.
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All right. I'll talk to you guys soon.