Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / The Word To Look Out For If You Want To Avoid Anxious Or Closedminded Women

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The Word To Look Out For If You Want To Avoid Anxious Or Closedminded Women · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show. Today, we're going to be talking
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  about the word that you need to look out for.
• 0:12
  If you want to avoid ending up with another anxious or closed
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  minded woman. And what?
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  I don't know, can't that I'm not doing the intro.
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  I hate the idea. I like talking.
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  I don't like small talk of any time unless it's just completely
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  tangential and then, you know, kind of interesting or funny at
• 0:32
  least to me. But anyway, before we Dive into
• 0:36
  the meat of this. As I would like to do, please do
• 0:38
  subscribe. The most recent one was about
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  why your wife fantasizes about other men in the off chance that
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  you're one of the 99.99 percent of males in this situation,
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  okay? So why do men get divorced?
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  Women initiate most divorces but I've had podcasts on why men
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  initiate divorce on one of the big reasons is because the wife
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  is anxious and closed-minded. This is not just in the bedroom,
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  guys are not actually that shallow.
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  They usually Leave just based on sex, not that, that would be
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  shallow but you know what I mean?
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  It's usually not just based on one thing of any sort, while the
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  woman is close-minded and anxious and the bedroom is
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  usually closed minded and anxious when parenting and went
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  and socializing and when making Financial choices and everything
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  else, it's a personality trait. And it's one of the few that men
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  find a verse of enough that they will actually initiate divorce.
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  So that when they're back on The Dating Market, they usually want
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  to look out for this. You know that.
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  Usually don't want to end up in a situation where somebody is
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  very constricted and anxious and of course, women don't want to
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  do this either, but there are higher rates of anxiety, in men,
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  sorry, and women is wrong with me and so I will get at the end
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  to what the equivalent is in males.
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  If you're looking for the language that males used to
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  indicate that they are anxious and closed-minded will get to
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  that. But first we're going to look at
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  this in women, the words that women use because women are more
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  interested have higher rates of anxiety.
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  And this isn't to say that anxious people are bad or don't
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  deserve to get married or anything.
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  I'm just trying to help the people who are similar to my
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  clients, not get into a situation with somebody that
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  they are not ultimately compatible with which in the
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  long term is much kinder to women who are anxious and
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  closed-minded such that. They do not have beginnings of
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  relationships, that then end when the guys realizes it and
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  they end after more time in which the woman becomes more
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  invested, right? So it's been better for
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  everybody for all human beings to be aware of what their deal
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  breakers are early on so that they don't get into
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  relationships and get people's hopes up before eventually, they
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  don't stay in those relationships and leave the
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  person disappoint. Okay, so what's my keyword?
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  You know what was the price of admission here?
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  Well, it was free. So I can I can filibuster, as
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  long as I would like ethically. I could say whole bunch of shit
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  because y'all didn't pay for this at all, but I'll be nice.
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  The word is comfortable. You're like what do you mean
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  comfortable? Well, let me give you some
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  examples that. So if you say something like, oh
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  I got want to try some Vietnamese food.
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  It's near me and she's like, I'm not comfortable going close to
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  you on a first date like driving to where you are or something.
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  Okay, what about if you say, I don't know.
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  Like do you travel a lot? And she's like, wow.
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  Well, since covid, I'm not comfortable with trap assuming
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  that you're somebody who travels and all of this, by the way.
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  Like if you don't give a shit and you're like fine with
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  dating, somebody who's anxious because you're pretty anxious.
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  And you think that people who like to take risks in this world
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  or fucking dangerous and weird and you do not want to end up
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  with one of those crazy motherfuckers, then disregard
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  everything and just fast forward to my next podcast.
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  But this is for the many many men that I interact with as
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  clients who do not ever I want to be with somebody who was
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  much, much more close-minded and rigid than they are.
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  So, what would be another example?
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  Well, literally anything in bed. I mean, if it's the honeymoon
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  stage, she's not comfortable with this and not comfortable
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  with that shit. Where you think that's going.
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  They guys go get better. Like, a lot of guys actually do
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  because of the word comfortable. So they think that there's a
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  level of comfort definitionally that the woman, could it get to
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  that? They could.
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  And here's, here's the cognitive misstep that they could Foster a
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  level of comfort. Effort that they could create
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  unilaterally that would make the woman more comfortable with
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  driving tour to his neighborhood or with, you know, giving him a
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  blowjob or with travel or with anything, you know.
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  So, but this is wrong. What she's basically doing, is
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  telling you, it's a code word, which she's not aware of,
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  there's no world in which she's like, oh, you know, I'm like
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  totally anxious and rigid. But instead of, you know,
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  working on that or even understand yet, what I'm going
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  to do is transmitted this via code that only dr.
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  Psych mom, knows. No, this isn't You know that
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  that's not going on at all. But what's happening is they're
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  there has been a cultural shift and I discuss this interestingly
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  in the prior podcast to about How likely it is for adult
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  children nowadays to become estranged from parents who make
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  them feel uncomfortable, in any way, Comfort is like a huge
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  thing now but not for everybody. As I always discuss there's a
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  normal distribution of human behavior so some people are like
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  man people talking a lot about boundaries nowadays that's
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  interesting. And some people are Are like,
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  huh? Finally finally, the world
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  understands that I feel nearly immobilized by anxiety and
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  discomfort. And finally, I feel validated
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  that this is like a cultural phenomenon.
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  Yes. As many boundaries as I can.
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  Assert I now will thank God, right?
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  So you don't want to end up with those people.
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  If you are an open-minded sort of adventurous fellow that likes
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  to, you know, do shit in the world, right?
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  Unfettered by anxiety and rigidity.
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  So this come For thing is super key to understanding yet.
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  So I go on Reddit, sometimes it for some reason.
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  And this is this sounds so funny first, but I'm on the Tinder,
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  read it a lot. Now that's not a tender right
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  where people share their tenders because I am happily married but
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  it's a funny stuff about where people screenshot the
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  interactions that they have on Tinder, which is fucking
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  hilarious. Because of course, what do I
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  work with relationships and most relationships start out with
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  dating online. Line as I discussed.
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  And so these early interactions are things that I help clients
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  interpret and that's basically what people are doing on this.
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  So they screenshot on interaction and then, you know,
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  they crowdsource what people think about it.
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  So so this one guy I got to do this for memory because I don't
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  actually screenshot this stuff, but he says something like, I'm
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  real excited for our date tonight and the woman's like me
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  too and he's like, prove it winky face, right?
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  So Abby, I'm not a young person but even I understand that this
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  would mean in a best. Wildest case scenario she would
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  post some sort of picture of her being physically excited by
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  this. Or she could just be like, haha,
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  right? But she didn't do either one of
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  those. She said, I don't have to prove
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  anything to you. I'm not comfortable with you
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  saying that. So then this poor, dude.
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  It's probably like, you know, 24 Posted like was I wrong, did I
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  say something creepy and then of course, she promptly unmatched
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  him. So there was no, so no, no, I'm
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  wrong. He apologized as of course you
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  know you would if you're basically called like a creep
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  and pleasantly you would like, I'm so sorry.
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  I didn't mean anything. I didn't mean to weird you out.
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  She's like, no. I just think it's better that we
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  don't meet and then she unmatched him.
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  So she canceled the date and on Match him because he made this
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  vaguely sexual innuendo, right? I don't think that he really
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  expected like a, a Vagina picture of her being like
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  excited that I need like it was a joke.
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  You know what I mean? But she said it was
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  uncomfortable for her and did she select?
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  I don't have to prove anything to you.
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  So this guy you know it did this he nothing better could have
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  happened in his life then dodging this bullet.
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  Right of this person who has like such closed off rigid
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  boundaries and such an anxious negativistic worldview that you
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  would perceive this Comment to be threatening and discomfort
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  provoking, right? I mean, thank God that this dude
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  got out of that. Thank God.
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  He said it, like, that's the best-case scenario.
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  But like it made me it's spurred me to create this podcast
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  episode because this sort of interaction happens.
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  So frequently when I hear like, like that guy say, oh, well, she
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  won't do this, and she won't do that.
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  You won't do this. But, you know, I when she gets
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  comfortable with me, man, she never gonna get comfortable with
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  you because she's not come. Store ball in the world.
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  Comfort isn't a thing for her. She is in a very anxious rigid
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  stance in which she is a warring opposition with various scary.
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  Things that cost, her at all, turns, throughout her life.
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  And while I feel tremendous, sympathy for anxious people and
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  love to work with them and help them with anxiety.
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  Particularly if their parents because as I've said, numerous
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  times, I grew up in a very anxious constricted house.
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  Hold so this no shit why I became a psychologist, right?
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  But the super hurts your kids, they develop anxiety disorders.
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  They have a negative worldview, they have to work, really hard
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  to change that, you know. And then once you change it, of
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  course, you want to help everybody else.
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  Change it like me. But anyway, I love to work with
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  anxious people, but I also love to eat to help people have
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  healthy relationships, and do and these women, you don't know
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  if they're in therapy, you don't know if they know that their
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  ancients are rigid, stay away. If Comfort and boundaries.
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  I've done the podcast episode on the cult of preferences and
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  boundaries if somebody's talking about all their boundaries right
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  away. Get out this not going to be a
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  laid-back flexible person. This person is prioritizing them
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  over basically new experiences like staying in their comfort
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  zone like the the rigid constraints of their existing
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  personality over exploration and growth.
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  You know and does this mean that the girl that you date the woman
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  that you Eight has to want to drive to your neighborhood for
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  Vietnamese food. Fuck now, definitely not.
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  But I would a thousand times more encourage you to date a
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  woman who is like, I'm not driving 15 miles 24.
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  A guy that I just met. Why don't you come to me, you
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  know, cool, you got some healthy self-esteem there, you
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  understand that like you know, there's a lot of guys out there
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  and you don't want to take x amount of time away from your
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  kids, or pay a babysitter for like a do that.
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  You may not even click with okay.
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  You know, women can do that sort of thing in the dating market
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  place at least at first, you know, fine, that's a choice but
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  that's not something you scared of you that thinks that you're a
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  serial killer. Those are two different women,
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  you know? And if you if you also like very
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  much want a woman, who's always going to do things your way,
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  then don't even date. The first one, don't date, just
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  only literally date the women that will drive to you.
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  I mean, you're allowed to make any choices that you want one
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  day. You have too many choices.
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  Of course, you'll end up with Nobody.
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  So you got to pick your things like most guys that I talk to
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  you later. Divorce would rather a woman
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  that confidently doesn't want to waste her time before she has
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  ever met you. Then a woman who is scared that
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  you will somehow do something that goes across her boundaries
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  by virtue of her being closer to your house or what happened.
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  Fear fear. There should not be a lot of
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  fear in your initial interactions.
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  If there is, then that is the red flag that there will be
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  levels of anxiety later on and you will.
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  Always be able to go back and be like why am I stupid that she's
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  talking? She's literally saying the word,
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  scared Comfort boundaries, all these things I first and I
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  somehow think that she's going to be flexible laid back and
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  cool. Not cool.
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  Like, you know, like, you know, chill or what.
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  Whatever, you know, I mean, they don't have to be chill in as
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  much as you know, super laid back.
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  They just cannot be terrified of the world for most men to be
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  attracted, you know, long term. Now, I promised you that I would
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  also talk about what are signs, that men are going to be rigid
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  and anxious. Well men don't usually say
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  comfortable because they're just not as scared of the world.
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  They do not think there is any possibility that you are going
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  to roofie their drink on a first date or that you are going to
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  physically force them into a car and take them home and murder
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  them. They just, don't think that this
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  again, there are realities of gender.
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  So men don't usually, say, I am not comfortable with doing x y
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  z. However, however, they got a Of
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  preferences. They got loads of preferences.
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  So if you say you want sushi, they'll be the guy who doesn't
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  eat sushi. Doesn't try sushi.
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  If you say be nice to go to a show, he doesn't like that kind
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  of music. If you say that, you have to
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  switch the time of the meeting to a different time, he can no
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  longer do it, get out, get out. Life is too short to be with mr.
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  - and the negativity is usually stemming from anxiety and an
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  inability to get outside the comfort zone, same as with the
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  whip but the women use a rhetoric of fear and The men
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  don't because that's just a gender difference.
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  Men are generally not as scared, that a terrible thing will
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  happen but in anxious or like safety reasons, but a man can be
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  scared that he will be distressed and uncomfortable by
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  going outside of his comfort zone.
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  He not going to use the word Comfort though.
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  He's going to act as though. He's like this Alpha that can
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  make certain decisions. But in reality he's just showing
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  that he's inflexible and inflexibility is always linked,
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  linked to anxiety. You know, and I have my ocpd
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  podcast, like, ocpd, are you rigid as fuck?
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  And you know, a lot of men with ocpd, which is, you know, not
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  super prevalent, but people can have traits.
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  Everything's along the Spectrum, men with ocpd, they show this
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  really early and dating, but usually they end up with people
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  pleasing women who are like oh well, I mean it's good that he
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  has opinions, you know? That's fine.
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  No he doesn't need opinions about everything.
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  He should not have opinions about where you eat on the
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  State. It would be nice if he picked a
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  nice restaurant, but if you say you're in the mood for sushi and
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  he just, he says, no, I don't eat it.
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  There is zero way, I will go to sushi.
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  What the hell? So the women that will continue
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  by the way, to be to interact with these guys are women who
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  had a rigid caregiver in their family of origin.
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  And this shit is familiar to them to dance on eggshells
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  around the difficult person is familiar, so they'll be like,
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  oh, okay, no problem, we don't eat sushi, I never eat, eat
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  sushi, again, that's fine, Sushi stuff.
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  You know, like sushi. That's your thing.
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  You like it, your have to go to sushi, but you don't want
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  someone who's never going to go to sushi with you ever.
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  Because why life is too short for that.
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  So open-mindedness in general is the trait that most people in
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  second marriages really need to be looking for because women who
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  do initiate divorce at higher rates than men, also frequently
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  divorce. Because the man is close-minded.
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  So this is generally a thing. You know, that people divorce
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  for with men. It's one of the few reasons why
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  they initiate divorce. And with women, it's one of the
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  many. But, you know, one hand, there
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  are just the ones that I talked about, in general.
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  If that piqued your interest. I talk about reasons, women
• 15:45
  initiate divorce in a different podcast.
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  But in general, like, women don't like men who are afraid of
• 15:51
  growth and change which is literally exactly what I'm
• 15:54
  talking about or who in any way are, you know, kind of difficult
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  and mean and and anyway Emotionally or otherwise
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  abusive. I mean, I don't want to use the
• 16:09
  word abusive when it's not, but women will get to a place where
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  they divorce at a certain age. After they go back and they
• 16:16
  realize, oh wait, he's always looking down on me.
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  He's always talking to me. Like I don't know anything and
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  while they won't divorce when they're young, then when they're
• 16:24
  older, they have more confidence than they'll get out of that
• 16:26
  situation pretty quick. Of course it's a super big red
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  flag for a guy to an anyway. Demeanor diminish.
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  You in early interactions just get out of that.
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  I mean. Don't try to prove him different
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  or say that you, you know, maybe he's having a bad day, know if
• 16:40
  there's any any like nasty kind of comment about your looks or
• 16:45
  about anything certainly get out of Dodge immediately.
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  But anyway, that's an aside, in general, the comfort zone, not
• 16:54
  going outside your comfort zone, not being comfortable, a fear,
• 16:58
  sort of mentality, a victim mentality, not none of it is
• 17:03
  good for a VIP. Actually ending up with an
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  open-minded and more, you know, open to the world adventurous,
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  not adventurous, like bungee jumping, but you know what?
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  I mean, somebody who will just go to any restaurant.
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  You know, that's like most men after the first marriage has
• 17:20
  ended, they got a kind of low bar for what it means for a
• 17:23
  woman to be easy to deal with. Basically she just you know
• 17:26
  can't hate them and needs to be open to experiences including
• 17:30
  sex. So make sure that you hit those
• 17:33
  things because It is a low bar, but there are women that that
• 17:37
  really do not allow you to meet those criteria, right?
• 17:40
  In your next part. All right, hopefully you found
• 17:43
  this interesting and I will talk to you soon.
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  Bye, bye.