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Avoidant Exes React To No Contact In Surprising Ways · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:08
  What happens when you go no contact with a dismissive
• 0:12
  avoidant X versus a fearful avoidant X?
• 0:17
  They may both be avoidant, but trust me, their reactions are
• 0:20
  completely different and if you understand the difference, then
• 0:23
  no contact won't be as scary. So stay tuned.
• 0:28
  Hi, this is Lucia with the Art of Love.
• 0:30
  I'm a deity and relationship expert specializing in helping
• 0:33
  you get your X pack or to get over your X.
• 0:36
  And welcome back my beautiful no contact Army.
• 0:38
  Have you downloaded my app Silencio to stay in no contact?
• 0:42
  The link is underneath every single video and podcast.
• 0:45
  And if you too would like to join our Army, then just hit the
• 0:49
  subscribe button. And to read our No Contact Army
• 0:53
  manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 0:57
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 1:02
  OK, so first you have to know whether your ex is a fearful or
• 1:06
  a dismissive avoidant. So if your ex was hot and cold
• 1:10
  during the relationship, if they were to come close and then pull
• 1:13
  away, then they're probably fearful.
• 1:16
  If instead of doing the push pull, they slowly faded, or they
• 1:22
  cut you off out of the blue, maybe even ghosted you, then
• 1:26
  there's a good chance they're dismissive.
• 1:28
  And another way to determine which type of avoidant they are
• 1:31
  is to look at what type of childhood they had.
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  If there was instability in their childhood, but there was
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  no abandonment, meaning nobody died or left, that means they're
• 1:42
  dismissive. However, if there was
• 1:45
  instability and abandonment that means that one or both parents
• 1:52
  either passed away or left, then unfortunately, they have the
• 1:55
  double whammy of being fearful avoidant.
• 2:00
  And I think that's probably the worst attachment style to have
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  because you're both anxious and avoidant, so you're constantly
• 2:06
  battling within yourself. OK, so now that you've figured
• 2:10
  out which attachment style your ex has, let's talk about the
• 2:15
  dismissive avoidant jury. No contact.
• 2:17
  So dismissive avoidance learned early in life that closeness can
• 2:22
  equal being overwhelmed, danger or rejection.
• 2:28
  So when tension rises in a relationship, they reach for
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  deactivation strategies that looks like detaching, numbing
• 2:36
  their emotions, intellectualizing or focusing on
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  work and or hobbies. They don't need other people in
• 2:45
  order to regulate their nervous system.
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  This detachment makes walking away easier for them than
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  someone who's anxious, which is probably you if you were dating
• 2:56
  an avoidant. So when you go no contact on a
• 3:00
  dismissive, their initial reaction is relief.
• 3:04
  Finally, no more pressure, no more emotional demands, no more
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  drama. Their nervous system regulates
• 3:11
  through distance. They need to get away from you
• 3:14
  in order to regulate. So in the short term, they
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  actually feel better without you.
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  And This is why they can seem so cold.
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  They'll dive into work, hobbies, dating apps, or the gym.
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  You might hear my cat in the background.
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  They tell themselves, see I don't need them, I'm fine.
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  And you might think, Oh no, I've lost them for good.
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  But here's the thing, what they're really doing is
• 3:37
  suppressing their feelings rather than resolving them.
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  And suppression never lasts. So around the six to twelve week
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  mark, little cracks start to form.
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  A memory pops up, a song reminds them of you, they see your cute
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  little face in their feed, and suddenly the emotions they
• 3:55
  thought they'd buried start leaking through.
• 3:58
  And this often results in suddenly reaching out after
• 4:01
  weeks or months of silence. But here's the thing, they only
• 4:07
  get to that point if you do what that's right.
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  Stay silent. If you break no contact too
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  soon, you're going to rescue them from ever having to face
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  their emotions. So with dismissives, your power
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  is patience. They come back not because you
• 4:23
  chased, but because the wall they built eventually crumbles.
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  And speaking as a dismissive myself, the absolute worst thing
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  you can do is to break no contact and chase them.
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  That's not going to work. They'll come back when they're
• 4:37
  good and ready. They circle back when their
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  nervous system feels safe and reaching out feels lower risk
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  now because they create a distance.
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  Now let's talk about their fearful avoidant, also known as
• 4:50
  anxious avoidant. So this is a completely
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  different story. Their nervous system is chaotic,
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  so they have one foot on the gas and 1 foot on the brake at all
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  times. So imagine they're in the car
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  and they keep switching from gas to brake, gas to brake.
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  The car is not going to get very far and they may say they're
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  done and disappear, but it's not stable.
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  The anxious side keeps them hooked, ruminating and checking
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  back in. They often walk away in a panic
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  when they're triggered, but circle back when the nervous
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  system shifts again. That's why they're known for
• 5:25
  being inconsistent. Hot 1 moment, cold the next.
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  How fun. So when you go to a contact,
• 5:34
  their anxious side panics. Did I lose them forever?
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  Did I mess up? But then their avoidance side
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  kicks in. No, don't reach out.
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  You'll get hurt. They'll reject you.
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  So what happens? They bounce between wanting to
• 5:49
  chase you and wanting to run from you.
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  That's why fearful avoidance are known for being hot and cold.
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  And because they're anxious, they'll reach out sooner than a
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  dismissive would. And of course it's going to be a
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  breadcrumb with possibly a sweet message.
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  But the next day, they ghost. It's not that they don't care,
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  it's that their nervous system never feels safe in closeness or
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  in distance. So when they reached out, their
• 6:17
  anxious side won over their avoidance side and they couldn't
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  stop themselves. But the next day, their
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  avoidance side yanked them back into the silence.
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  It's like, what are you doing? Get back here with fearful
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  avoidance. Silence doesn't necessarily mean
• 6:31
  they're done more often, it means they're stuck in
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  ambivalent mode. However, if their interest level
• 6:37
  was high enough, eventually the anxious side wins out, and
• 6:41
  that's when you hear from them. So a dismissive can hold out
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  longer because for them, detachment is regulation.
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  But the anxious avoidant can't hold out without inner conflict,
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  because neither distance nor closeness fully regulates them.
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  That's why dismissive look cold during no contact while anxious
• 7:04
  avoidance look unstable. However, with both attachment
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  styles, you stay in no contact until they say something
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  significant. They're going to try to get away
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  with bread crumbs at first. However, if their interest level
• 7:17
  is high enough, as I talked about in another video, which
• 7:20
  I'll post the link in the upper right hand corner, when you
• 7:22
  don't respond, they will eventually say something
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  significant because they don't want to lose you.
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  So when you understand your ex's attachment style, you stop
• 7:30
  panicking about their silence and start playing the long game
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  the smart way. No, contact isn't punishment,
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  it's power, especially if you're dealing with an avoidant.
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  So now I want to hear from you. Do you think your ex was a
• 7:45
  fearful avoidant or a dismissive avoidant?
• 7:48
  Please comment below and if you would like my help to get your
• 7:52
  ex back, you can contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
• 7:56
  will send you the rates. And the direct link is
• 7:58
  underneath every single video and podcast.
• 8:01
  If you found this video helpful, please hit the subscribe button.
• 8:04
  If you're listening to this as a podcast and want to help the
• 8:07
  show, then just download this episode.
• 8:10
  And finally, remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
• 8:15
  enlightens.