Latest / All The Light She Found / There's Still So Much Life to Live
Transcript
- kelly: Well, hello my friends, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're here. I'm Kelly McGurk, your host of All the Light She Found. Well, I have a birthday next week coming up, and I was reflecting, I think as a lot of us do during that time, about the last year and you know, just how things have evolved. And so I'm turning 57. 57. And I have to tell you. I don't know what I thought 57 was gonna look like, but I'm pretty sure this wasn't it. I mean, here's my life in a nutshell. I started a new business, a new podcast, a new relationship. And I've decided to have a wonderful birthday party, which is very normally me. but this time I said, hey, let's pick something out of our closet. That you have nowhere to wear. Maybe it's just extravagant. Maybe it's something that you've always thought, this is too much, but I love it. So of course, I'm, you know, considering all the outfits that have an unreasonable amount of something sparkly. So this is who I am now, you know, and I love her. but here's what I've really been thinking about. I'm turning 57. I never imagined all the things I would still be. Experiencing, discovering, and becoming at this age. And I wonder if you've ever thought about that idea. Not necessarily about turning a certain age or 57, but about the idea that at some point we're supposed to have our lives figured out and quote settled. That by a certain age we're supposed to know who we are, what we want, and kind of the rest of our lives are already kind of sitting there, and this is what it is. You know what? And then life happens. Sometimes it's in wonderful ways and sometimes it's in really difficult ways. And sometimes it's in ways that make absolutely no sense. and suddenly we're sitting there looking at our lives and thinking, well, I didn't see that coming. So today I thought I'm gonna talk about the things that maybe we don't expect. Maybe relationships we didn't anticipate. Changes we didn't plan or the things that we're still literally kind of curious about. And how we give ourselves permission to keep growing, changing, and becoming no matter how old we are. Because I don't know about you, but I am not interested in deciding that I've already experienced all the exciting things I'm going to experience, not even close. Can we just talk about age for a minute? Because I find it fascinating how we have these imaginary ideas about what certain ages are supposed to look like. I mean, by 30, you should have a career established. By 40, you should definitely have your life together. And at 50, guess what? You should be established. 57? What exactly are we supposed to be doing? Buying comfortable shoes and discussing our cholesterol? I mean, don't worry, I do those things. But I'm also interested in a lot of other things. And I think what's interesting is how often we start making decisions based on what we believe is appropriate for our age. I wonder if sometimes we stop considering things, we stop imagining certain possibilities. Maybe we start telling ourselves stories about what's realistic. You know? I'm too old to change careers. I'm too old to start dating. I'm way too old to go back to school. I'm really too old to try something completely different. And you know what? Who decided that? Like seriously? Who made those rules? Because I wonder how many things we don't even consider anymore simply because we've decided that chapter of our lives should probably be over. But you guys, maybe the bigger question here is what if it isn't? What if there are still parts of ourselves we haven't even discovered yet? What if there's things that we absolutely love doing and that we've never even tried that we could love, right? And what if getting older isn't about becoming a more settled version of ourselves? What if it's about becoming a more interesting version? I don't want to be 35 again. I liked it. I sure did. But that was a very crazy, intense, busy, busy time. And I also like the woman I am now. And you know what I hope? I hope at 67 I'm not exactly the same woman I am today. I hope that I've learned some wonderful things. I hope I've changed my mind about some things. I hope I've tried things I never imagined trying. And you know what, you guys, I really hope that I still have moments where I think, well, crap. I didn't even know I still had that in me. If you know me, you know I love a birthday. I don't really understand people who say, I don't want anything to do for my birthday. I'm like, wait, what? What do you mean you don't want to do anything? Like you were born. We're celebrating. Mike used to call my birthday my Mardi Gras. He said it went on for a whole month. It wasn't my birthday weekend. It was literally a birthday month, which honestly feels appropriate. This will be my second birthday without him. And of course, there's a clear awareness of that. When you are no longer part of a couple that you've been for 25 years, certain traditions and relationships naturally change and life takes on a little bit of a different rhythm. But you know what's something that I've learned to appreciate is that I haven't lost my excitement about celebrating. And I wonder if you've ever noticed how life can change around you while some parts of you remain exactly the same. Maybe you've gone through a divorce, maybe you've lost someone you love dearly. Maybe your kids are now grown up and moved out and they're managing their own lives and you're watching it. Maybe you're thinking about retirement. Or maybe you've simply entered a season of life that looks nothing like the one before it. And sometimes you guys, we spend so much time adjusting to what's changed that we forget to ask ourselves what we'd actually like this new season to look like. Not how to recreate the old one and not how to make everything feel familiar again. But what might I want to experience now? I think in life we need to be celebrating all the things. You know? I don't think we need to wait to make a big occasion. That's why I do birthday parties. Like it's celebrating being alive. It's celebrating that a year has gone by and so many things have happened, right? And you're still here and you're still willing to celebrate. I love that. I think I decide I don't want to wait for the right time or till things settle down or till somebody else makes the plans. You know, like I've often had fun birthday parties and it was because I just wanted people that I love to be around me and celebrate. So, new news that I thought appropriate to share on my birthday podcast, if you will, is yeah, something I definitely didn't have on my bingo card. And it's been such a wonderful surprise, is that I'm in love. And I have to tell you, it's been one of the most surprising and wonderful parts of this year. Because when you're in your 50s, you don't necessarily imagine yourself experiencing all of those early relationship feelings again. You know, the excitement, the anticipation, the butterflies. I mean, seriously, like smiling at your phone like a dork. I am a grown woman. I have been a therapist for over 30 years. And apparently none of that prevents me from acting like a teenager with a crush and I love it. But I want to talk about something bigger than my relationship. Because I wonder how many of you have found yourself facing the possibility of dating again. Maybe after a divorce, losing a partner, maybe after being single for years. And I've heard this from a lot of people. My single friends, clients, and the thought of putting yourself out there again, they're like, are you kidding me? Like that sounds horrible. You have to meet a bunch of strangers, you have to get to know them. You have to figure out if you like them. You have to figure out whether they like you, learn their routines. You know, it's it's a lot, and the vulnerability is a lot. Cause when we're younger, I think sometimes we approach relationships with a certain optimism, right? And then as we get older, we bring a lot more life experience into the room. You know, we know how complicated relationships can be. We know people can disappoint us. We know things don't always work out. And for some of us, we know what it feels like to lose someone we love. So there's this interesting tension, right? You want the connection, you want love, you want intimacy, but you also know what it feels like to be hurt. And I wonder how often we decide we're not interested in something when the truth is we're probably a little bit afraid of it. And that doesn't just apply to dating. It could be a new friendship, a new career, moving somewhere new. Maybe it's just trying something you've always wanted to do. Sometimes the things that we're most excited about are also the things that make us feel the most vulnerable. And isn't that interesting? I think about that, you guys. I think a lot of us want something, but we're also really afraid of it at the exact same time. And that's something I've been learning. I don't necessarily have to wait until I'm no longer afraid to enjoy something. I can be excited and uncertain. And I gotta tell you, in this new season, uncertainty showed up like, ooh, that one was a lot. I think we can be hopeful and vulnerable and still participate. Cause what I decided is I don't want to spend the beautiful parts of my life preparing for the possibility that it might end. Like I wanna be in them. And that's a journey that I've really had to dig into in this last year. one thing about loss, especially compounding loss, is you become so acutely aware. that things can end. And that doesn't have to be with death. You know, it can just be a terrible breakup or someone disappointing you or someone cheating you know, things that really cut you to your core. And you're like, do I want to experience that again? And then getting in it and then being afraid it's gonna end instead of just participating in it in the moment. So maybe that's something worth asking yourself. Is there something in your life that you're keeping at a distance because you're afraid of what might happen? And what? I don't know, what might it look like to let yourself get a little closer, not recklessly, you know, not not paying attention to what you need. Okay. But like what if? We go into something thinking vulnerability means you're making a mistake instead of thinking vulnerability is taking a risk to live. Here's another story about turning 57. I'm building a new company, which cracks me up, right? Like why? But I just still had it in me. So her therapy studio and the podcast that I do right here. And I just launched a self-love club, a community where like-minded women can come together and support each other in chapters that are evolving and changing. And suddenly I'm learning an entire new world: social media, reels, algorithms, email campaigns. And can I just say, whoever invented Instagram's constantly changing features owes me several hours of my life back. Cause there are days when I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to make a reel to reach people who don't already follow me. And I'm thinking, I have successfully run businesses for decades. Why am I currently being outsmarted by an app and algorithms? But here's what's interesting, you guys. I'm excited. I'm genuinely excited to To be learning something new. I love the creativity. I love having ideas. I love sitting here and imagining what something could become. And I'm realizing that I just don't want to be good at what I do. I want to enjoy it. And maybe for you, that's not even talking about a business. It could be anything, right? Maybe it's taking that art class you've been talking about for 10 years. Or maybe it's something as simple as admitting that what you've been doing for the last 20 years doesn't excite you anymore. And that's scary, right? Cause there's comfort in knowing what we're doing. I'm not gonna lie. There is comfort in being good at something. And there has been comfort in knowing the answers for me. But what happens, you guys, what I found is the thing we're really interested in requires us to be a beginner again. It's like so fun and it's exciting. And I'm learning, am I willing to be bad at something long enough to find out if I love it? Like Getting on these reels and these videos, my goodness, like it is ridiculous to me. And I'm just like, who cares? let's just put it out there. Like, Let's do this. Want to feel incompetent or look foolish. You know, those aren't things I'm looking for. But as I get older, I have all this experience behind me, and I've spent so long trying to become so great at what I do that the idea of something where we don't know what we're doing can feel surprisingly uncomfortable. But it's also surprisingly exciting. I'm not suggesting we all need to reinvent ourselves. You know, not everybody wants to date again. Not everybody needs to open a business. I'm not suggesting that I'm sharing what I'm doing as an example of what life has brought to me and taught me that if I am open to it, really new and exciting things can still happen. And you guys, maybe you're perfectly happy doing exactly what you're doing. And I freaking love that. But If you're someone who's been curious about something, you've been wanting to try, I just hope that you'll give yourself permission to maybe explore it. Even if you're terrible at it initially. Even if you occasionally want to throw your phone across the room because Instagram, didn't work. You you didn't follow the directions correctly. I mean, I I've done this, trust me. Also, I've been thinking about friendships. And I talked to you guys about that in one of the other episodes about how it can be like feeling like a tenth grade prom, right? When we're younger, friendships just kind of happen to us in school, work friends, your kids' friends' parents, neighborhoods. We're constantly around people. But at some point we have to start being a little more intentional. And maybe you're in a season where you're realizing you'd like to have new friendships. Not because there's anything wrong with the ones you have, but because you've been changing, your interests are changing and you want to experience different things. And as I said in the other episode, it can be surprisingly awkward. But I think there's something really wonderful about remembering that we haven't met everybody we're gonna love yet. That there's friendships that maybe we haven't met yet and people we haven't cracked up with yet and conversations that moved us that we haven't had yet. I love thinking about that. You know, I want those nights where everybody is sitting around a table laughing so hard nobody wants to leave. I'm wondering what connection looks like for you right now. You know, like are you sitting there thinking like, I'm so fulfilled in my current life and my friendships? You know, do you have people you can call when something wonderful happens or when something difficult happens? I think connection, as I talked about prior, but I like to bring it up again because it's something that keeps coming up in life in general, but in the therapy room too, is feeling disconnected. And I think that you guys is part of why I created Self-Love Club. Having this podcast, which I love doing, and all of the responses that I get are so, gosh, they're so amazing and touching. And It's just this recognition that nobody needs to be fixed, right? But I think having a community where you can say, Hey, I want more. I'm scared of change. I would love to do this, but I don't even know how to start. I think that becomes a lot more interesting when you have people to share it with. So I hope if you're listening and you're one of my fans, and you're a girl, the self love club. Not that men don't need that, trust me, but you know girls, this one's just for you. Go on Facebook and look up Self Love Club and you'll find us and join. Here's something else I've been thinking about in close. I think when we're younger, we imagine that getting older means you've become more certain, more confident, and more settled. And I think in a lot of ways that is so true. That's one of the beauties of getting older is more self-confidence, less worry about what people think. There are things I definitely understand about myself and how I live my life now that I did not understand when I was younger, and that is a gift. And there are definitely things I no longer feel that I need to explain to anybody. There are things I used to worry about that just don't seem nearly as important to me. But you know what surprised me is I still have a lot of questions. I still have insecurities. I still get nervous about things. I still wonder whether I'm making the right decisions. And I still have moments where I think, what the heck am I doing? So instead of questioning if we're doing something wrong or if I should know these things, I think what we should do is say, what if that means I'm still growing? Because I don't want to become so certain about who I am that I actually stop being curious about who I could become. So that's my challenge for you guys. Maybe you've always thought of yourself as not adventurous, not social, not creative. And then you build a life around those ideas. But what if those ideas aren't even true anymore? You know how I tell you guys all the time about the stories we tell ourselves. What if that's just an old story? Sometimes you guys, we don't even realize how much we've changed until we find ourselves in a situation that asks us to respond differently. And obviously, having my spouse die was that for me. That definitely made me take a step back and look at. my life and what I wanted it to look like next. Maybe you're less interested in people pleasing and maybe you've discovered that you actually enjoy your own company. That's awesome, right? So as I'm approaching 57, I've been thinking about what I want more of. And it's not checking things off lists. I still love a good goal. Ooh, I love a good goal, but I'm becoming more interested in how I want my life to feel. More connection, more experiences, more creativity. I, you guys, I want moments where I feel completely present. I want my body to be healthy and strong. I want to keep learning and I want to keep building things that excite me. And I want to love my people well. When's the last time you asked yourself what you wanted more of? Not what you needed to get done, not what everybody else needed from you, not what was on your calendar, but actually what you wanted more of in your life. Because I think that's the question we don't even ask ourselves enough, especially as women. So maybe it's time with friends. Maybe it's more time alone. Maybe it's movement. Maybe it's travel. Maybe it's more intimacy. I don't think I have to choose between being grateful and wanting more. If you would have asked me five years ago what my life would have looked like at 57, I would have given you a completely different answer. And that's not necessarily a sad thing, it's just true. Life has surprised me in some really difficult ways. And also in some freaking beautiful ways. And I wonder if that's true for you too. Maybe you're sitting there living a life that you didn't have on your bingo card. Maybe something happened to you that changed your plans. Or maybe. You're just in a season where you're starting to wonder what comes next. So as I share my experience of looking at reflecting on the last year, I want you guys to know I'm 57 well I will be. And I'm damn excited about it. Not because everything's perfect and not because I have it all figured out, because I absolutely do not. But because I'm excited about what comes next. Here's to new beginnings, new friendships, new love, new experiences, and all the things we haven't thought of yet, guys. There's still so much life to live. So this week, I hope that you find a little light. I think my light this week was anticipation. And I hope for you, you find a little light of something that maybe you want to step into. I'm Kelly, and this is all the light she found.