Latest / Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor / The Trap of Perfectionism and What To Do About It With Carly Taylor

Transcript

The Trap of Perfectionism and What To Do About It With Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Hey everyone, welcome to this week's Mojo Monday. I've been
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: coaching and counselling clients for many years and I have
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: seen a particular pattern in high achievers and people with
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: perfectionistic traits. They set high standards for themselves and then
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: they hold back from actually starting. And I think we've
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: all done this. We've all hesitated to start something because
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: we've feared that it's not going to be good enough.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: And this is particularly common in students. And researchers have
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: described procrastination as choosing to feel better now over the
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: goal that we care about later. So you put the
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: task off and it gives you this instant relief from
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: the fear of getting it wrong. So if you've ever
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: sat down to start something or you've gone to clean
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: out the garage or you found yourself instead scrolling on
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: the phone or calling your mum, that's procrastination. The cost
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: is passed on to your future self, especially when there's
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: a deadline and especially when there's something at stake. And
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: then there's this extra time pressure and guilt that comes up.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: So there are different types of perfectionism and there was
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: a large review of more than 40 studies found that
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: having high standards on its own is actually linked to
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: less procrastination. And what predicted more procrastination was the other
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: side of perfectionism. That's the fear of making mistakes, worrying
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: about what other people think. So that judgment and that
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: harsh self-criticism. So stalling comes from the fear attached to
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: the standards, not just the standards itself. So if you
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: are struggling with procrastination yourself and there's fear that comes
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: with that, I've got three things that you can try.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: First is being aware, notice the thoughts that come up.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: So when you notice that inner chatter, It has to
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: be perfect or I'm not ready yet or what are
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: these people going to think about me? Name it. I'm
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: having the thought that it has to be perfect. And
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: you can hold that thought lightly. It's almost like you're
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: looking at it, observing it in the palm of your hand.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: It can come along with you while you start. It
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: can come along with you while you work. And that's
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: why you're holding it really lightly because the thought itself
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: doesn't have to stop you from starting. Secondly, ask yourself,
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: what is it that you care about in this task?
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: It might be helping people or being the best that
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: you can be or sharing an idea that could be
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: useful to someone. Let that be your guide, not these
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: perfectionistic thoughts. You know, a rule like it has to
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: be flawless before anyone sees it, that usually keeps your
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: work hidden. It keeps it away from people and then
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: nobody benefits from it. And third, take the smallest step
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: that you can. This is about baby steps. So just
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: open the document or write one rough paragraph. Send the
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: first paragraph to somebody for feedback. Merida therapy guidelines make
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: this same point. People held back by perfectionism find small
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: steps much easier to take and each one makes the
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: next step easier. And if you end up in the
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: procrastination vortex, be mindful of how you're speaking to yourself.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: Research suggests that self-criticism makes it harder to start the
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: next time And there was one study that I saw
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: where students who forgave themselves for procrastinating before one exam
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: procrastinated less before the next one. So this week, when
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: you notice yourself waiting for the perfect time or until
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: it's good enough, try this. Name the thought. Identify what
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: is it that you care about and then take one
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: small step. And if you slip, if you actually don't
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: get started, be kind to yourself and then start again.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: Have a great week, everyone. I'll catch you next week.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: See ya.