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Becoming Anchored S2E7: Why We Talk About Family of Origin Concerns in Therapy · Becoming Anchored

0:06
Hey everyone, welcome back to the Becoming Anchored podcast.
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We're very excited to be with you all today.
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I'm one of your hosts, Lauren Jackson.
0:13
This is um, Laura Dineen.
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We are two therapists in the Brentwood, Tennessee area.
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We work in a group private practice called Anchored Counseling Company.
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We work with any, um, really any age, Any gender, um, presenting
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issues, anything from eating disorders, grief, loss, anxiety,
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depression, a lot of stuff in between.
0:38
Um, we really love what we do and we've been really loving this podcast platform
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to connect with you guys as well.
0:44
And just to share, um, Some of our life and our experiences as therapists with you
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all a quick disclaimer before we get into the content of this episode This is meant
0:55
for informational purposes only So if you are finding that as you're listening to
1:00
this episode you might benefit from your own therapy Amazing reach out to someone
1:04
local to you who's licensed or if you're local to us reach out to us We'd love to
1:08
connect with you Thanks so much, Lauren, and like Lauren said, this new adventure
1:14
of having a podcast has just brought both of us so much joy, and it's been
1:18
super fulfilling for both of us, and so we're just really grateful to have you.
1:22
If this is the first episode that you're tuning in to, Really the
1:26
purpose of this podcast is twofold.
1:28
So number one, we are here to share our real life experiences with y'all.
1:33
We certainly go through hard times as humans.
1:37
Um, and we're also here to share in your joy and your victories.
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And so we'll be talking about both our real life experiences on this podcast.
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And then we're also going to be talking about the things that we have
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learned over the years practicing as mental health therapists.
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So we love, love, love what we do.
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We find it such a beautiful gift to sit with clients day in and day out.
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And Lauren and I both just love being mental health therapists.
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And so we're just here to really ride the waves of life with y'all.
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So welcome to the Becoming Anchored podcast.
2:08
I'm Lauren Zuckerberg.
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Thanks for tuning in.
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We'll see you next time.
2:26
Today we are going to be talking about more of an in depth perspective
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of why we talk about family of origin stuff, concerns, um,
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stories, if you will, in therapy.
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And this is a topic that Lauren and I are both really passionate about.
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I know Lauren has done quite a bit of supervision around this topic.
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I know that she certainly.
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Does a deep dive into what we call developmental trauma but we really
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wanted to explore this topic with you all today because Um, i'm not sure how
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many resources are out there on this I know that there's so many wonderful
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podcasts and books to supplement the work that you might already be
3:09
doing in therapy But we really just wanted to provide a time to share our
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perspective on family of origin Um Maybe it could be helpful for us to start
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with, like, giving our own definitions of maybe what family of origin is.
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So when I think of family of origin, it's a little bit self
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explanatory, I guess you could say.
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But just maybe as a clinician, when I think of family of origin, I think of,
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um, the family you grew up in, right?
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And so that can be Um, anybody biological to you that you grew up
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with, maybe biological mom and dad, um, and any siblings in the household,
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and anything and everything else.
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in addition to that.
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Um, so that could be, you know, maybe you were adopted.
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Maybe you just had a mom growing up.
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Maybe your aunt lived with you guys.
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Maybe you had, you know, grandparents running out of the house a lot.
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So, um, family of origin is really just the, the pri, particularly
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the primary caregivers that were around you growing up.
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Primary caregivers can really Can be mom and dad.
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It can be anybody else who really raised you and then any other people Also around
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you in that setting so siblings other extended family Maybe you guys like hosted
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a I don't know like a exchange student for a few years Like that would be in
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like your early years of development.
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That would be part of kind of that family of origin You know, space.
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Um, so that's what I think of, um, you know, when I think of family of origin.
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Is there anything else that you would add to that, Laura?
4:52
Yeah, I mean, I think that's, you know, absolutely accurate.
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And, um, there's so many layers that I think that we
4:59
could address in this podcast.
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So, I am one of four children.
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So, um, I grew up with um, a mom and a dad who were married and I have a
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twin brother and two younger sisters.
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And so that's an example of my family of origin.
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We did not have anyone else living with us, you know, in the home per se, but my
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grandparents were involved in my life.
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Um, and we moved around quite a bit.
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So that definitely impacted my Um, my experience and my story, but yeah, when
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we think about family of origin, you know, when we are a newborn babe coming
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into this world, we, you know, we rely so heavily on our primary caregivers, whether
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that's, you know, our parents, guardians, aunts, uncles, grandparents, whoever
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it might be to cultivate safety for us, to provide, you know, food, nurturing.
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Love, belonging, all the things for us.
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So this is why in therapy it's so important to talk about our family
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of origin is because coming into this world, you know, our brains are not
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necessarily formed and there's so much growth that happens in our brains
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throughout our childhood and adolescence and so our family of origin does impact
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us just on so many different levels.
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levels.
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Um, I think it can be a place where we learn how to talk about ourselves.
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So oftentimes what we hear in a home environment directly impacts us, whether
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it's said to us or we overhear it.
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So that can really be formative in terms of our self esteem
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or innate sense of self worth.
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Um, It can also really guide us in terms of how we do relationships with others.
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So, what we see modeled in our home or what is challenged or
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encouraged or perhaps avoided.
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So our, our relationship kind of style and intra, both our intrapersonal
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relationships, so that's our own sense of self worth, how we talk to
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ourself, and our relationship with others, that is oftentimes, um,
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the foundation is oftentimes laid.
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by our family of origin.
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Um, so that's why as therapists we really want to know all the ins and outs and
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all the intricacies of what your family of origin story background history is.
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Those two things were kind of coming to mind just the really
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explaining the importance of like a discussion around Family of origin.
7:42
Mm hmm.
7:43
Yeah.
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That's typically one of the first things when I have a new intake or a new client
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that's coming into my room that I am really incorporating in those first, I
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mean, you know, handful of sessions as we're joining and building a relationship
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and establishing treatment goals and really me just understanding what is
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bringing that person into my room.
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I'm, I'm taking a Kind of what we would call in the therapy world, maybe like
8:11
a biopsychosocial kind of history or or whatnot because that gives me just
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a really good picture and idea of this maybe symptomology that's showing up in
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the present and some of those roots that maybe throughout the therapeutic process
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we'll be digging at and kind of digging up together and and whatnot and so Us
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as therapists were really intrigued by um Where you, where our clients come
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from, their stories, um, um, and so I, and I know Laura as well, we, we hold
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our clients stories very, with a lot of reverence, with a lot of honor, with a
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lot of compassion, with a lot of faith.
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Safety, that's part of what we're establishing in those first few sessions
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with the client is that safety piece because, um, because each, each of
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our stories, our stories, my story, your story, Laura's story is, is
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different and unique and has pain.
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And has wounds.
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We all have, we all have pain.
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And that is typically, when we're thinking about family of origin and that
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story work piece, what us as therapists maybe are most interested in, not in
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like a weird, like, I wouldn't, like, weird way, but just most, like, curious
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about, because typically pain points within our family of origin throughout
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our story up until now that are so impactful in, like Laura was saying,
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how we learn to show up in the world.
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It, it's, it's typically the, the wounding that happens and then what
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pretty immediately comes after the wounding that, that informs us in that,
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that, um, that our brains develop around and create neural pathways around.
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And so those are the, the parts of the story and that family of origin piece
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that, um, we get so curious about with our clients and based on our client
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and the unique needs and the unique presentation that they're bringing
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informs us as therapists and how, and how quickly and or gently or how we, how
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we explore that story, how we explore that family of origin with a client.
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Um, So, we're, we're interested, so why is family of origin, why do we talk
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about therapy, why is it so important?
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Because, Because as a therapist, we want to know you and that
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helps us to know you, right?
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Um, we, we, uh, want to be able to, um, create that safety in the room with you
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and sharing about ourselves and sharing about you, sharing about who you are
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helps to create that and facilitate that.
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And then we're curious about the pain.
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Because that's, that's typically where the dysfunction is birthed, in all of us,
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every, all of us, we all have it, right?
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And so, um, that, you know, for me when I'm thinking about why is, why is
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family of origin important to me as a therapist in exploring with my clients,
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because I want to be curious about where your little, tiny, baby heart was hurt.
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That's what I want to know.
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Your little tiny baby heart, Bjorn.
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Yeah.
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Yes, and I want to know that as well, and I know that Lauren and I have also
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done our own kind of therapeutic work around our own families of origin and
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some of the pain that we've experienced there, and so we definitely hold that
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with so much honor, like Lauren was talking about, and a lot of our clients
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do have pretty significant wounding from their families of origin, and.
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really sometimes when we come to therapy it can be the first like
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safe space to talk about that.
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So if you are listening to this podcast today and you were talking about the pain
12:01
from your family of origin, we see you.
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And It is valid and a lot of times clients come to us and they've maybe
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minimized their pain or they've invalidated it or it's been dismissed by,
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you know, by their primary caregivers.
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And so, our job as therapists is to validate it and to really
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figure out kind of how to, how to make meaning of it, if you will.
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What the client would like to do with this pain moving forward.
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And when Lauren's talking about pain points, just an example of that.
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So more specifically, um, if you grew up in a family that, um, whenever someone
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got angry, they maybe didn't talk to you for hours or perhaps days on end.
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What did you learn about.
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anger, right?
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So that's an example of an inappropriate or maybe even unhealthy
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expression of the emotion anger.
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So how that might show up in our office is perhaps somebody is
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struggling with an eating disorder or self harm or, you know, You know,
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a poor boundary system or difficulty communicating their needs in friendships.
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Whatever it might be, that kind of pain point that was observed in your
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home growing up has ripple effects.
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And as a child, we don't necessarily know What an emotion is, um, or, you
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know, a young child, we might not know, we don't have the language or verbiage
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for kind of conceptualizing that.
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And then we also don't necessarily know what healthy expression of emotion is.
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And so this is a lot of the work that Lauren and I are doing really day in
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and day out with our clients around that exploration piece of like, what is your
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pain and really providing validation of like, Hey, that sounds like an
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inappropriate response to X, Y, Z emotion.
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Um, how did that make you feel at, at the time?
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Um, you know, what did you need that you didn't have?
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This is some of that, what we would call re parenting.
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So essentially, You know, as an adult, being a parent, a loving
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parent to our younger child.
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But that's a more specific example of like, okay, this is what my caregiver
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did, and that made me feel this way.
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Like, huh, I wonder if that was the healthiest expression of emotion.
14:27
Yeah.
14:28
Yeah.
14:28
So,
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Laura's really speaking to why we are, why we as therapists get
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curious with our clients around the pain that they experienced in
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their family of origin growing up.
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And I love this example that you gave, Laura, because I think when we, when
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we think of, or maybe for lack of a better word, stereotype trauma, perhaps
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I'll use that big word trauma, right?
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Is, um, we maybe think of.
15:00
And maybe some of you guys have heard it described as like big
15:03
t trauma or little t trauma.
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I don't love using those words.
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And I think that there can maybe be a place for them just to help us kind
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of conceptualize what's going on.
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But, I guess that's neither here nor there.
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Anyways, maybe when we think about trauma, we, sometimes the idea or
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the image we get in our head is this like really horrific thing.
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And that's, I mean, that's, there's truth in that, right?
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Trauma is horrific and there can be certainly really horrific things that
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end up being traumatic, like a childhood, a child's house burning down, right?
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That's a traumatic, very traumatic moment in time event.
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Um, another example might be, I don't know, like, I don't know, um, you know,
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childhood abuse or, um, maybe you, um, you know, have, your parents got
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divorced when you were young, right?
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Like those kind of moments that feel, um, really big and harmful.
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Um, the, uh, so the reason why I love Laura's example is because it's speaking
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to, um, uh, a type of trauma that's a little bit less, Noticeable and just
16:12
as painful and just as impactful.
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Um, so this idea that Laura had mentioned earlier of developmental
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trauma, so these kind of.
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Smaller, more consistent under the rug moments in time that add up over years
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and years that then end up affecting us in the present, that it's a little
16:31
bit harder to pinpoint because what we find is that the pattern is, well,
16:35
every time mom was mad, she gave you the cold shoulder and didn't talk to you.
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So, and.
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That kind of seems like not a big deal, but when that happens, every time mom
16:45
gets mad to a little seven year old girl, then eight year old, then nine
16:49
year old, that, that small, that small thing turns into something really big
16:56
and really painful and, um, can impact our system, our nervous system exactly
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the way that a bigger T, I'm doing air quotes, bigger T trauma does as well.
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And so, um, Um, I, I just wanted to emphasize that I have a, I have a, a
17:17
place in my heart and for my clients and just the work that I do for developmental
17:22
trauma, um, uh, not necessarily because I have like a history of it and I've,
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I've, like Elora said, you know, we've both done a lot of our own work around
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our family of origins and, uh, you know, I could get into my family of origin.
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And, Probably would be like a whole other conversation.
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They're so great and I, I, I love, I love them.
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And, um, I, I have, you know, a mom and a dad.
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And I live super close to them now.
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And an older sister and a younger brother.
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And, and And, you know, we had our things growing up that were great and that were
17:57
not great and, and, and all this stuff.
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And um, I think just the way that I was trained, um, as a young therapist
18:04
in supervision, um, I just really developed a, a deep passion for this
18:08
idea of, of developmental trauma and how that can be just as impactful on
18:11
our nervous system, on our bodies, on our brains, on our development, on our
18:15
cognition, on our beliefs about ourself as, as, as, you know, maybe more.
18:21
overt traumas.
18:23
And so, um, and so family of origin is so important because it sheds light
18:28
and it gives us so much information around those maybe more subtle, um, pain
18:34
points that can be harder to pinpoint.
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But that are just as impactful in our present because some people come into our
18:41
offices and they're like, I'm just how all this anxiety or I have a hard time with
18:47
like intimacy or opening up and I just don't know why and I can't figure it out.
18:51
And there's not this like big thing that happened when they were 15 or whatever.
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But as we do more digging and as we get more into the story and the meat
19:00
and the, The, the, the place they grew up in, we start kind of uncovering
19:05
nuggets of pain that are really nuggets of truth of their story that have
19:09
got them to where they are right now.
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And then we can do something with that.
19:12
That's what I love.
19:13
Like, we can do something with that.
19:15
Yeah, yeah.
19:16
Um, that gives me, like.
19:17
pumped up.
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I can tell just like by your body language.
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I love it so much.
19:21
I know.
19:22
Yeah, and kind of circling back to this example around the cold
19:26
shoulder, you know, this is one example of many, but like we talked
19:31
about, you know, we would be asking a client, you know, how they might
19:34
have fell, what they might have done.
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Have needed that they didn't have at that time and then also What they learned
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about the emotion of anger itself.
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So what is my relationship to my emotions?
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In this case maybe anger and how would you like to experience that emotion Maybe in a
19:56
healthy way moving forward, or what would you like to do with your anger in a way
20:02
that feels aligned with your value system?
20:04
And a lot of this might be really different from their families of origin.
20:08
And this is where it can get, um, we can get really creative as therapists
20:12
and it can really be empowering for clients because Um, you know, when we
20:17
start to figure out that, Oh, my parents did this and that did not feel good.
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And I don't want to replicate that same cycle for my children.
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Um, and this can be really empowering for clients to really determine.
20:31
What they would like to do differently perhaps as they're raising their own
20:35
children Or maybe you don't have children and you're listening to this podcast
20:38
and you're you're really just wanting to nurture your adult self and wanting
20:41
To do some more of the repair work and that is certainly Valid as well.
20:45
But yeah that agency around like hey, how would you like to you know?
20:51
Show up in the world in a way that might be different from Your own story,
20:57
and I know that can feel oftentimes quite overwhelming, and it can feel,
21:03
um, scary, I think, to talk about our, our family of origins and talk about
21:10
maybe what we want to do differently.
21:12
I know a lot of clients of mine, um, In the first few sessions that they're
21:15
talking about their family of origin, they maybe experience, um, shame or guilt.
21:21
Like, a lot of people don't want to talk poorly about their parents,
21:24
and they have this fear of speaking ill of their parents, and what does
21:27
that mean, and so a lot of this work that we're doing is really opening
21:31
up permission and giving permission.
21:34
And cultivating safety to name the pain and name, name it in a
21:39
truthful, honest way that allows us to move forward into health.
21:44
So that's something on this podcast that Lauren and I are talking about and really
21:47
something that we ask ourselves really nearly on a daily basis, I would say,
21:51
but what is health in this situation?
21:54
What is health for me?
21:55
What is health for you?
21:56
look like?
21:57
And that can just be a really beautiful question.
22:00
So I know I was kind of rambling there, but those are my
22:02
thoughts on, on what you shared.
22:04
Yeah.
22:05
Yeah.
22:05
And this, um, you know, family of origin work, story work.
22:10
You probably have heard me say that a couple of times on here.
22:13
My clinical supervisor, when I was actually freshly out of grad school,
22:18
um, was, you know, Pretty heavily trained in, in story work and this
22:21
model called Healing our core issues.
22:23
And so I just, I mean, it was just truly invaluable.
22:27
Um, and I'll give you guys some resources here in a minute just
22:29
around that and kind of how you guys can dig into that yourselves.
22:32
Um, um, but what, um, what we're really speaking to in this, in this, when
22:40
we're freshly born into this world and.
22:43
And then there are our caregivers, and there they are, and this is the
22:45
beginning of how we will grow up, right?
22:49
We're, we're really speaking to this idea of, um, uh, first being dependent on
22:56
someone else, and then learning to have dependency, or independence ourselves, um,
23:01
all while we're learning about emotions.
23:03
Because emotions really are this, this like, kind of inherent, like, shhh,
23:09
thing that makes us humans, like that.
23:12
sets us apart from, you know, other animals and mammals and things like that
23:18
is our ability to have emotions and then like have cognition about them and have
23:22
like thoughts and stuff about them and then we can do something and then we can
23:26
act or react or um, respond or whatever.
23:29
And so.
23:31
Um, so a lot of the times we will find that our clients, ourselves, um, have
23:36
in some ways grown up in a family of origin where we aren't necessarily taught
23:42
in the most functional way how to have emotions or know what emotions are or, um,
23:47
are, and maybe aren't modeled emotions.
23:49
um, but it's not something that fits particularly well, not all the time.
23:51
Not in everybody's story.
23:53
We're, we're, because we're all human and we're not perfect,
23:55
nobody has emotions perfectly.
23:57
So we're, none of us are ever going to be modeled emotional
24:00
intelligence or awareness, whatever in the most perfect way.
24:04
So we all have some, we all have work to do with our emotions for sure.
24:08
Um, um, but just the, the fundamental need that we have.
24:13
In our family of origin, throughout our story, growing up, developmentally, is
24:18
this need to be able to know what our bodies are telling us, and that happens
24:24
through our emotional experience, physio, like physiologically, and then,
24:28
and then cognitively, and, um, and so, so, that just, you know, speaks to the
24:37
importance of emotions and how that can translate into And, our need for our,
24:45
you know, caregivers and our family of origin to be able to do that well.
24:47
And if they didn't, they couldn't, they didn't know how, um, then again,
24:52
that is what, you know, informs us so much in the present of, of, um, you
24:58
know, the work that we need to do.
25:00
So, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
25:02
And we're just here to say, like Lauren said, there really is no perfect
25:06
family or no perfect family of origin.
25:09
I mess up and we talk openly about our imperfections on the podcast.
25:15
Um, and, and one thing that I have really tried to be intentional about
25:19
with having a little daughter at home is really asking myself, what do I
25:24
want to take from my family of origin?
25:27
And what did they do really well?
25:29
And perhaps what do I want to do differently with my daughter?
25:34
And so approaching it with curiosity, and I know we use this word quite
25:38
frequently on the show, but.
25:40
Is really, is really fundamental because it allows us to ask ourselves
25:45
the question in a way that's non judgmental towards ourselves.
25:49
Um, in a way that is led with curiosity and we always talk
25:53
about curiosity over shame.
25:54
So, that can just be something for you all to be thinking about too is, Okay,
25:59
what do I, you know, what do I want to take with me from my family of origin?
26:02
What do I want to leave behind?
26:04
Those are things that I'm kind of continually thinking about.
26:07
Especially having.
26:08
My little girl at home.
26:10
Um, and just being curious about that.
26:12
So sure.
26:14
Yeah.
26:14
Family of origin is a big topic and I'm sure that we'll do other, you
26:18
know, episodes on various components of healing from family of origin wounding.
26:23
And you know, if you're wounding is more, um, You know, significant or severe, not
26:30
that it's a comparison between clients, but we certainly see you in that.
26:34
Um, perhaps you're estranged from your family or you're in a, a really
26:38
tricky spot with your family and we, you know, we see that too.
26:41
And we just acknowledge that this topic can be one that brings our
26:47
clients and people that we don't even know who might be listening to this
26:50
show an incredible amount of pain.
26:52
And.
26:53
Like, we talk about there's still hope for healing from that pain, and we're here
26:57
just to continually speak to that hope.
27:01
We can't lose sight of that in this work.
27:05
Yeah, so Lauren actually has some homework for you all, and then I will
27:10
close this out with an affirmation.
27:15
Yeah, so, um, I'm gonna piggyback off of what you said,
27:20
Laura, um, not too long ago.
27:22
I would really challenge you or encourage you guys or invite you
27:26
guys to, um, maybe spend some time reflecting on what, um, what Maybe
27:34
dysfunction in my family of origin.
27:36
Do I notice showing up in my present that I want to pay more attention
27:41
to, maybe bring more awareness to, build some more insight around?
27:44
Um, how can I start laying some of that down or setting some of that down or
27:50
turning the volume down on some of that?
27:52
And, um, leaning into or discovering or pressing into what, what, what newness
27:59
and maybe the, the, the, either the, the family that you're in now or the space
28:03
that you're in now, what newness and functional cycles do you want to create?
28:08
Do you want to, do you want to move forward with?
28:10
What, maybe what good from your family of origin do you want to carry on with you?
28:14
Um, so just doing some of that reflection that, that Laura had mentioned earlier.
28:17
And then I know I was talking a little bit about this kind of model of therapy,
28:21
story work, healing our core issues.
28:22
There's a really, really cool book called, um, Gifts from a Challenging Childhood.
28:28
I read it a while ago.
28:30
Um, I pretty frequently recommend it to my clients, especially if we're
28:33
doing any kind of family of origin work or developmental trauma work.
28:38
Um, it, it's a super easy book to read.
28:40
It kind of delves more into, um, the specifics of that, of the model.
28:45
It has a lot of different, like, exercises you can engage in yourself
28:49
and, um, just different ways to kind of help spark curiosity in your own
28:53
family of origin and how might, how that might be impactful or how might,
28:57
that might be impacting your present.
28:58
So, um, that would just be a book resource that I would give you guys.
29:02
Um, so it's called, uh, Gifts from a Challenging Childhood.
29:05
So I love it.
29:06
I remember you recommended, um, that book to me and I read
29:09
it and it's, it's phenomenal.
29:11
Yeah.
29:12
Um, so just an affirmation to close this episode with, um, perhaps this
29:18
concept of, I can explore my family of origin story with gentleness,
29:24
with patience, with compassion.
29:27
So this exploration is really just an invitation to you all to start exploring
29:33
your family of origin Story if you haven't already so thanks so much for being
29:37
here on the becoming anchored podcast.
29:39
It's always a joy To have you guys on the show.
29:42
Thank you.
29:43
Lauren, and we will see you next time.
29:45
Thanks guys