Latest / Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast / EP 18 Pillow Fort Sessions | Disarming Assumptions: Strengthening Relationships Through Clear Communication

Transcript

EP 18 Pillow Fort Sessions | Disarming Assumptions: Strengthening Relationships Through Clear Communication · Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast

• 0:56
  Speaker 1: Welcome everyone back to the route to keep campfire pillow fort sessions.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: This is once again your host, el Comidon, the Cuddliest Gigalos, also known as HH Julius.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: I am here for another episode with y'all diving deep into a particular subject.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: While we are in between the group sessions, I like to do a little monologuing, talking to myself and if anybody decides to listen onto a particular topic, hopefully focusing around kink, bdsm and non-monogamy relationships.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: A lot of these topics I think can be dissected way down super deep.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to go super super duper deep because I'll leave that to the smart people with the degrees and the expertisms and these different things, but they're just points I like to focus on.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: I think that will help in any relationship, even if you aren't identifying as kinky or even non-monogamous.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Everybody can use these things and I think it applies to everything Friendships, family ships, all the different ships that go out there into the sea at night Just some stuff.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: I wanted to point out that I'm also working on all the time.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: I am not one of those smart people out there, so do not take my word for it.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: Go ahead and do your own research on the particular topic.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: This is more of an awareness type thing to make you aware of these type of topics and to do your own research at some point.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: But before I get into the topic I'm going to talk to you about today, I am going to do our favorite ASMR.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: 30 seconds and my drink is almost gone, so I'll probably need a refill at some point here tomorrow.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: 30 seconds and my drink is almost gone, so I'll probably need a refill at some point here.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: Right now I am drinking a Surge White Claw, surge the strawberry flavor with 8% alcohol.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: I just now realized this.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: Not sponsored White Claw, not sponsored.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Once again, whore myself out for a sponsorship like this, especially if it's a seltzer, a hard seltzer, more so than anything.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Energy seltzer, all different things.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: But right now, here we go 30 seconds, or whatever's left of this drink, oh, it's gone.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: That was it.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: I even had to go and open me another drink here.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: Now I have a Topo Chigo hard seltzer, exotic pineapple flavor flavor.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: So not going to do an ASMR on this, but I will take a little swig.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: Finished my last drink so I had to open up another one.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: Okay, let's get down into this.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: My time is all jacked up now because I have no idea how much I'm going to be cutting out of this because of that, but anyways, right now the topic is assumptions and, of course, more particularly diving down into assumptions in relationships.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: But assumptions in general are a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen without proof.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: It's a form of passiveness that doesn't take much effort.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: So when you make an assumption, you're you're, you're doing so, you're making a factual statement or perception of somebody and you're thinking that it is true, but you have no proof whatsoever.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: So did you ask why?
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: That's the main thing.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: Did you ask why or how or any of these questions before you arrived on this quote unquote fact that you are on?
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: This is definitely one thing I wanted to make aware to people, because they don't usually do this or do the deep dive.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: As y'all know, on the internet, if you are in any kind of social media space, it's like, yeah, we didn't do any kind of research, we just arrived at a judgment or whatever, and we did no research whatsoever.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: So it's just a quick, fast statement based on feelings and nobody did any deep dive on this.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: So it kind of drives me crazy when this happens on the Internet, but let's not do that in our personalized people.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: Let's not make assumptions, especially when you're in a relationship with somebody.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: If you're in a long-term relationship with your partner, why would you assume things when you can just ask them?
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: And a lot of people like to avoid conflict.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: I understand this as a recovering avoidant attachment person.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: I understand this where you don't want to make conflict with your partner and it's just like ah, they understand what I'm talking about.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: They're supposed to read your mind or something.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: Nobody has ESPN, okay, nobody's a psychic here.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: You know Mr Cleo out here doing this relationship thing.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: Okay, we've got to ask questions and we have to make it very apparent that we don't know what's going on and then, as the other person receiving the question, provide answers.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: It just can't be I don't know or figure out, or something like that.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: It doesn't work that way.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: In a functional relationship, people have to be able to voice their needs and wants and feelings and everything and still be able to be validated by their partner.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: It's just, you know, that's the kind of thing that happens in functional relationships.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: So assumptions are unexamined beliefs, conclusions that are often based on assumption that we haven't thought about critically.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: So yeah, lacking in the critical thought.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: Cognitive expedience is what we like to call it.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: We don't have any kind of time to dive deep into something, so we're just like, eh, that's what it is and that's as far as we go with the critical thought on that process.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: Just because we assume something is true doesn't mean it is and something taken for granted.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: So taking for granted is another like hot button thing that we shouldn't do.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: Just don't assume or have like an entitlement that you deserve something with like little effort and then once somebody does something for you, just expect them to do it for you every single time.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: That's like no, that's not how this works.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: This is definitely one of these triggering yeah, use triggering buzzworthy word, that triggering thing for me, especially because I've run to a lot of past relationship issues because of this assumptions thing and not making needs and wants known, um, out there in the open.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: So it's like, oh my gosh, this is so ridiculous.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: So make your needs and wants known.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: People.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: It's very important.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Especially in relationships.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: You want to know your partner's thoughts, feelings and motivations for certain things.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: Let's not just make it.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: So I keep saying assumption, but that's what we're talking about.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: Just make it, verbalize it so that everybody knows, everybody comes to a consensus, because that's what we preach here.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: Consent is sexy, topo Chico, also not sponsored Pretty good too.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: Make it known what you're wanting, what you're feeling and why you're doing the thing, your motivations, all those different things.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: Make it known to your partners.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: No one truly knows what is in another's mind or in underlying emotions that may result in certain behaviors.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: So you're doing a thing, physically, I can see you doing a thing, but why are you doing it?
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: Why are you making that face?
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: Why are you making that noise?
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: Why are you acting in that way?
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: Why are you not looking me in the eye when you're talking to me?
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: Like what are these different things that are going on that?
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: It's unspoken.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: It's like people are just oh, you're just supposed to know.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: It doesn't matter how many years you are with that person.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: If they didn't buy you a gift on your special day birthday, mother's, father's day, whatever it is and you know you didn't say anything they're just supposed to know.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: I mean, even if you're like 10, 15 years into a relationship, marriage, whatever you decide to do with your life no judgment is here, um, but if you're with somebody for that long and they you're not getting what you want, need, did you vocalize this.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: A lot of people like to go on like the tiktoks and stuff and make little notes oh my so, and so didn't get me to do.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: And they're just supposed to know.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: Did you say anything?
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: No, okay, then how are they supposed to know?
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: It's like, like because I didn't say anything, or, if I have to say anything, that it's not the same, it's not as important or valuable or whatever.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: And it's like what?
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: How does that even work?
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: You expect somebody to read your mind?
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: There are no psychics.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: That crap is bullshit.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: Houdini didn't prove this.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: There's no mediums, there's no psychics.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: Okay, people, you know they have extra sensory perception.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: I understand that you've been thinking are we really talking to dead people?
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: Okay, sure, go ahead.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: Yep, not, not the point of this rant here.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: Whatever awareness sessions, rant, monologue, whatever you want to call it.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Yet again, why listen to listen to me?
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: Do your own research.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: It's like you can do your own research, but you know, to each their own.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: I say do your own research.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: I'm just putting it out there that this is a thing Assumptions happen and people want to be like oh, my partner, I've known them for so long, they can do this thing and this thing, but why can't they do this?
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: But then did you tell them they're not doing this thing, that you have an issue?
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: No, they they.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: They should know.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: It's like no, they shouldn't know because you didn't say anything.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: Assumptions, horrible people okay, so let's talk about common assumptions that cause problems, one which is, I mean, one of the things if you're paying attention or not, you could be stressed out, having a moment or whatever.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: You just miss it.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: But missing facial cues and body language, uh, relying too much can be misleading.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: Is it even?
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: What is it even about?
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: And also could be happening in a stressful situation.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: So is it about you?
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: You don't even know.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: They could have a be making a stink face and it's because somebody farted near them or something.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: I mean, literally could be anything, just you know.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: Just an example.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: That stuff happens.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: You just like somebody just cropped this to me right now and your partner could assume that it's about them.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: It's like, no, it has nothing to do with you.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: So ask why they're doing the face or have their arms crossed or something, or just off by themselves.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: You can't go off purely nonverbals.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: It's just not a thing.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: It's not healthy.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: I mean, you can?
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: I shouldn't say that you can.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: It won't be functional or healthy, but you can do it.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: But yeah, this is the stuff that leads to incorrect I should say common incorrect assumptions that cause problems.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, okay, yeah, it makes no sense why we do this.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: Just ask, why Ask, why Verbalize it?
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: Another one is believing your partner knows how you feel.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: That leads to resentment when partner doesn't actually know.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: And then was there confirmation?
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: Did you say anything?
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: I understand you do a thing nine times and you react a certain way and your partner reacts a certain way.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: But I'm telling you, on that 10th time, it could be raining outside, it could have hailed, broke a window or something, could have stubbed their toe on the edge of the bed, something, and they don't react the way that they're supposed to quote unquote or they didn't perceive how you were feeling at that correct time because something else happened.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: Because we're all human, we have good days and bad days.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, you're supposed to know, I do it every single time.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: It's like, no, no, that's not how that works.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: That is not how that works.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: So I would just ask a question Once again.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to keep saying to all of these just vocalize it, make sure they know there is consent there.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: Consent is sexy, all right.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: And another one is, quote unquote thinking you know what your partner wants and needs.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: So this is almost like the opposite.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: This is one of those they should know versus I should know Can set up to miss the mark on even being a good friend and you don't get the nurturing as even a best friend.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: So I said, thinking you know what your partner needs.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: The person, whoever, what kind of relationship you're in your aunt, your uncle, niece, nephew, son, daughter, mother, father, whoever it is you're thinking you know, because, like, oh yeah, every single time, this is what they usually want give them a snickerdoodle or Butterfinger or something.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: It's like, no, I didn't want that today.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: It's like, oh, okay, I missed that one, but did you nurture that relationship with that person?
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: Maybe they wanted the three musketeers today?
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: Did you ask them?
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: Or did you just assume that you knew, oh, this is Tuesday, so Tuesday's Butterfinger Day, so I'm going to give them a Butterfinger.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: Like, no, mom, I didn't want that today.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: Or no, son, I didn't want that today, I wanted the three musketeers.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: But did you ask, was there consent?
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: Was there even a negotiation?
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: It's like, before you go to the store, just ask if I want anything.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: You know, there you go, just ask the question.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: I understand, every time you go to the store I usually say no, but today I wanted something and you should have brought me that something, but we didn't talk about it.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: So I'm just going to be angry over here because we didn't talk about it.
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: It happens, but let's just try to ask.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: I know I understand people get stressed.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: You know everybody, like I just said, everybody has a bad day, but some days, you know, you just gotta be like hold on, wait a second.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: Let me ask the question, even though it was probably gonna be a no, probably quote unquote probably yeah, ask the question.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: And lastly, as a common incorrect assumption, I think I changed the part, this part, this segment here Values, hopes and dreams, couples, I should say anybody, anybody in a relationship, becomes complacent about communicating basic things like the future or what is important Could be working towards different goals and thinking on the same page.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: So for the most part you could be right, but then you could be right thinking, I should say, but then you're actually going in opposite directions.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: I'm like oh, yeah, yeah, we want to do this, we want to go unicorn hunting.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: Then one person's like, actually I'd rather just be in a monogamous relationship, but you didn't talk about that.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: You just kind of went along with the flow and it's like, oh man, we're like two years into this, five years into this, and this is not where I really want it.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: Although it's okay to make mistakes, you know, if you've never done something before, go ahead and try it.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: I mean debatable on whether five years is long enough to say give yourself a taste test.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: But once again, to each their own.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: But if you 100% have done the self-work actually not even 100% if you've done any kind of self-work and you realize this is not for you, make that known.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: I don't think your partner knows 100% what you're feeling.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: That's the correct way to use 100%, so they might not know that you are not in fact wanting this kind of relationship or that you did want poly instead of an open relationship.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: All kinds of assumptions can be made.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: Okay, I don't know if I said this, but julius is definitely a reddit person.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: I see a lot of different things every day on reddit.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: A lot of them are similar, but some of them man.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: It's kind of crazy.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: It's like 15 years in and I'm pansexual or something, or I was kinky this whole time and didn't say anything.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: And these people listen this might be a slight tangent, I think it's kind of related but people looking for other partners, whether you're in a relationship or not, and you don't put that you're non-monogamous or have specific kinks.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: What is vanilla nowadays?
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: You heard me talk about this before.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: I don't even know what the vanilla definition is exactly anymore.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: I have my definition, but some things are just vanilla quote unquote now.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: But it's like you're going and looking for new partners.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: You decide to wait a couple of days.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: It's like, no, just put it out front, you're asexual, you're in a poly relationship, you have a partner already, you have like two or three partners, but you're not saying anything until a couple.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: No, just be up front with that stuff.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: No assumptions, people.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: Be up front.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: I mean, sometimes it could cause conflict.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: That's a lot of Cs right there, alliteration.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: But be honest, be upfront with this stuff.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: I do not like any kind of hiding.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: I think that is very much a hiding thing and it's not good.
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: All right.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: So moving on, managing assumptions takes time in asking questions, leaves space to ask why and then react.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: It's an awareness thing.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: Gut reactions, I mean, are good maybe to be funny, I don't know but not good in relationships, especially when you're having serious talk.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: Leave space.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: That's a lot of times people want to go from like a thought to an action and it's like there's some feelings in there as well.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: So let's leave space, take time, no rush, especially if you're changing a relationship dynamic or something, you're introducing something new.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: I don't know why people want to rush things.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: It's like give your partner time to process, especially something you know drastic.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: I don't even know how to qualify that, but a major change in your relationship should not be handled so quickly.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: It's like take time, do some research before you make a reaction and figure out what you want.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: And, like I said, you can try a thing and then decide it's not for you, it's 100%.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: Just because you're like okay, I'm okay for now doesn't mean you have to live with it permanently.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: It's not good for you as the other partner to force them to react in a certain time.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: You might be able to come in terms with it faster than they are.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: It doesn't mean they can just handle it like that.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: Check-ins Check-ins are always great, best way to stop assumptions.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: Probably want to decide and negotiate.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: When is the best time?
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: If something seems off, it's a good time to ask.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: I know some of us are very anxious and we make up stories in our head that we think it's true.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: Try not to ask leading questions.
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: Try to ask open-ended questions.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: Don't make an assumption in the question.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: Oh, you're mad, aren't you?
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: It's like hold on a second.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: How you feeling?
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: Try that instead.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: That's a good way.
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: How you feeling today?
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: You doing all right, buddy, don't lead into it.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: I see you're crying.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: You must be angry or you must be sad.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: It's like no, no, no, no.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: Just ask how are you feeling?
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: I see you're tearing up.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: Why don't we talk about that?
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, check-ins, really good.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: I myself like to schedule a check-in Whatever is comfortable for my partner.
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: Try to do that.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: Three months, six months Put it on the calendar, set a timer, because I don't know about y'all, but Julius is very neuro-spicy.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: So time delusion is a thing I don't realize.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: Six months has passed by, years passed by.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: It's like damn.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: Two years passed by.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: What happened a few years ago in 2020?
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: I don't even remember.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: It's four years now.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: Something happened.
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: We were deep in something I can't remember.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: It was a very stressful time past experiences and possibly projecting on current relationships.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: So definitely an anxious type of thing, I would argue.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: Projecting is another type of assumption because you're taking your past experiences and applying it to the current future or the current situation, which is very bad, because have you taken the facts, have you asked questions?
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: Have you done a check-in?
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: Any of these things?
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: Critical thinking, all of these things in this current relationship, whatever it is.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: Once again, it doesn't have to do with just like a romantic relationship, all different kinds of relationships.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: Are you assuming something to be true without any facts, any kind of research done with it?
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: Projecting is one of the things.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: It's better to share assumptions with a partner than to let them shape the way you feel about relationship.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: Just make it known.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: Hey, I'm having an anxious moment now.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: I think this crazy, crazy thing in my head could be true.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: Can I just get a reality check right now?
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: And sometimes I would even argue to have like a third-party observer I have a note in here to seek therapy.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: Sometimes you need a professional to do it.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: Hopefully you can find a good friend that knows the both of you in some way or form can be very objective about it.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: Not all of us are that lucky to have a level-headed person to do that kind of thing.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: Somebody's always got some kind of objective, subjective thing.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: Hard to be objective, so sometimes you have to go pay a professional to do it for you.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: Nothing wrong with therapy people, couples therapy, solo therapy, group therapy all those different things.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: Coaching is becoming a thing now.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: Uh, so what's really good about coaching versus the other thing if you don't know about it too much is that you get more of like peer advice.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: So it's more of a group kind of thing.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: But the coach is not as formal as a therapist, I should say, so they can interject their own experience into the thing.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: Hey, this happened with me and so, and so how about you guys try this, because it worked for me and it's like that could be more helpful than just having a therapist ask you what do you think about that.
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: But whatever works for you, you might need that.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: I'm definitely an advocate of a third-party, objective viewpoint on the situation, whatever you're going on, especially if you hit a wall in the discussion with whoever it is.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: Like I said, communication Once again, always good, always good to communicate your feelings and thoughts, and you're not going to know unless you verbalize it.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: So, personally, asking or answering either one, you gotta let this stuff be known.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: If you say it's nothing or it's okay or whatever, I'm fine, oh god, I'm fine.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: Whoo, that little two word phrase sentence, whatever, can mean so many different things.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: I'm fine, it's nothing, oh boy, yeah, it's not fine.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: I know it's not fine.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: You can say I'm fine, but you're definitely not fine.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about this or bring somebody in to listen to what's going on, and then you know work from there.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: But unless you vocalize it, people are not going to know.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: Goodness, the assumption killer actually talking.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: We're humans, we have speech, let's use it.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: People.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: Sometimes assumptions are caused by a need to control other people's feelings or situations.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a controlling thing.
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: So big, big, big big thing of somebody that makes assumptions all the time is it's a need for control or just being able to control a situation.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: A lot of times, for a lot of us, life gets crazy, uncontrollable, feels like we don't have a grip on reality.
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: So one way to do that is like oh, that person feels that way, I already know.
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: So I know that that's it.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: I'm going to say these and let's be positive afterwards.
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: So we're going to go down deep and then we're going to come back up Some damaging assumptions, some more, just to make you all aware you know what I'm thinking.
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: Oof, oof.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: No, that's why I asked it's better, better.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: So we have like negative common stuff and we have a positive.
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: We're going to take it and we're going to turn it a different way here, instead of saying that, communicate what a perfect situation looks like.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: So they have an example.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: So, instead of just assuming they know they could not have been paying attention, how about that?
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: And then you're like oh well, okay, this is what I'd prefer you to do in this situation.
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: If you see a dirty dish in the sink, just wash it.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: It doesn't matter if it's yours or mine, hopefully before I wash it, it doesn't matter if it's yours or mine, hopefully before I see it.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: That would just provide less stress in my life if the dishes were cleaned, if the kitchen was cleaned.
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: There's no food on the floor when you're done eating that sandwich in bed.
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: Take that plate back to the sink, something.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: So give an example of what a perfect situation would look like instead of you'll know what I'm thinking.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: No good Once again.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: No, miss Cleo's here Not to pick on Miss Cleo, she really didn't do anything to anybody, but I just think that's the psyche that a lot of people know, especially if you're my age, older people.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: You remember those Miss Cleo commercials?
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: Let's see.
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: Another one is if sex was better then we'd be happier.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: Ugh, ugh, that's the demisexual in me, like ew Gross.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: If sex was better then we'd be happier, because sex solves everything.
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: A lot of people think that, hey, let's open our relationship because our sex is terrible.
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: Let's add more people and complicate this mess, because it's not complicated enough already.
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: Instead of which is helpful.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: How about we work on some emotional attachment, try to be a little bit more romantic or intimate.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: Just cuddle as y'all know, I'm the cuddle gigolo.
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: Okay, explore issues outside the bedroom.
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: Maybe you're just not spending any quality time together.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: Maybe you and that person just need to go on a hike or a walk or something, talk about things by yourselves without any distractions.
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: Put that phone away, let people know you're going on, just do not disturb for an hour or two and you just have a good old communication talking with that person.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: Sex was better, we'd be happier, oh, my goodness.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: But yeah, exploring issues outside the bedroom can help with a lot of things, not just the sexual part of it.
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: But, yeah, emotional attachment.
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: Boy, I know that probably hits more with people on the spectrum, the ace spectrum but if the sex is better then we'd be happier.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: Maybe that's why the sex is so bad.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: There's no emotional attachment in there, especially if you're with a romantic partner.
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: So yeah, that specifically is that.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: But I mean, I would say in general, even if you're not sexual with the person, there's a lot of things going to be explored outside of.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: If you take a third person view and look at the situation from a different viewpoint, something else could be going on.
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: So that's more of a generic way of putting that.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: Another another one here if you just do x, everything works.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: So if you just do the thing, everything would be fine.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: Uh, I would say try understanding the other viewpoint.
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: Oh man, well, there you go with the old idiom try walking in somebody else's shoes.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: So good training they do in couples.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: Therapy is they switch roles.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: So if you see something, um, say, there's no dusting, no cleaning's been done, you've been playing video games all day, it's like how does that look like from my point of view?
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: I've been working my ass off all day and I come into the house and it's dirty.
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: How would you feel about that?
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: So sometimes you just gotta take a step back and see what the other person's feeling and maybe we'll understand what they're going through.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: How about that?
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: All right, got a couple more here.
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: Another one quote, unquote, put me first.
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: Let's just say relationships are a team and, as we know, there's no I in team.
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: So how about you put the other person first?
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: Once again, kind of similar to the last thing.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: Walk a mile in person's shoes and you know how they feel.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: This is supposed to be a team effort.
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: Relationship is a team.
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: It takes two.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: It takes two, at least two to be in a relationship, unless you're being in a relationship by yourself.
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: But I would say that's multiple, especially for me.
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: There's multiple things going, multiple people, multiple entities in there.
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, there's no eyes, not solo takes team.
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: Teamwork makes the dream work.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: So many little catchphrases here.
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: But yeah, try putting the other person first and then you'll see, communicate people, tell the person what you want, especially like that first thing.
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: Just explore what an ideal situation looks like and then go from there.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: Oh man, that's great.
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: Wish I would have known that before, that would have been a good one.
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: Kind of talking to myself when I do these things, all right.
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: So, lastly, should be able to figure this out, should be able to figure this out.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: Well, obviously they didn't.
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: Because they haven't, so you might need to reach out for help Once again, see what the perfect situation looks like and go from there.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: I know for me, especially being on the no More Spicy end man, I really think I'm on the autism spectrum.
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: Um, cause I need stuff pointed out for me.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: I do not take hints, people.
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: I need it specifically pointed out for me.
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: Let me know exactly what you're asking and then let's just do it by the book.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: I understand spontaneity.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: A lot of people like that.
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: And it's like, if I have to tell you, wow, that's a, that's a horrible thing If I, if I have to tell you doesn't mean as much why they still doing it.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: I understand, like I understand.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: Look, even if you have to lay it out for them piece by piece, write it down, put it on a calendar, it's like they still have a choice not to do it.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: You realize this right, grown adults can make a decision to be like I see what's there, nah, just scribble it out, throw it away, burn it.
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: It's like they still have the choice.
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: They still have to go do it.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: Like you expect a present on your birthday.
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: It's like they didn't get it for you but you didn't talk about it.
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: I mean, even if you did, they can still be like we did talk about this and I'm not going to get one.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: Now, how do you feel about that?
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: It's like I think it's really the rejection thing.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: It's like if I point it out for you, they still don't do it.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: They really don't care.
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: It's like well then at that point it's time to move on to somebody else.
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: How about that?
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: I think that's really what it is when they say, when brick road all the way down to the fucking Oz city for them, right to the wizard, like here's your present, this is exactly what I wanted, and they still don't do it.
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's tough.
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: It's tough.
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: I don't know what to tell you.
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: It is tough.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: So all I can say is people, if you make it known what you want, at least you did your part, and at that point you have to move on into whether you want to be in that relationship or not.
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: That's a whole different talk.
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: But for now, because I think I'm getting close to time, I think my time's a little bit off, it might be a little bit short, but that's fine because I've run out of notes.
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: So that's what I'm leaving you with people, assumptions, if you want to stay in the relationship, work on these things, make it known, make them apparent, tell them your thoughts, feelings and motivations If you're that person, and then also ask why, if you're the other person, why?
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: Why are we doing this thing?
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: Why do we continue to do this thing?
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: Should we keep doing this thing?
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: But yeah, if you want to catch Julius on another episode the Pillow Force Sessions We'll talk about should you be in a relationship or not.
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: But yeah, once again, that's a different episode, but that's it for now.
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: I hope you enjoyed another episode of the Pillow Force Sessions From around the Kinky Campfire.
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: We have group episodes most of the time, every second and fourth Thursdays of the month, but y'all know life gets in the way sometimes.
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: We busy people Trying to figure out stuff, we're doing all kinds of things, showing up on different podcasts and all that stuff and other events.
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: Oh man, so many events, local events.
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: I don't know how to put it out there for y'all See what we're doing.
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: But at some point we'll get out there and you'll see more stuff on the Instagram, which is Campfire, kinksters.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: Campfire with a k.
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: Campfire is always okay around the kinky campfire with a k, campfire kinksters with a k.
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: Go on there and, uh, rate this podcast.
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: Go on to instagram, let me know what you're thinking.
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: Um, I will see messages if you put them out there, uh, and if you especially if you follow do all that stuff there.
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: But for now, this is el comedi's Dawn, the cuddliest of gigolos, the Juliuses of Juliuses, h's H's, h's, the H's H's of Julius, h's of H's Julius.
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: Anyways, I'm rambling now.
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: Catch us next time, hello.