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Parents Can Protect Children By Noticing The Signs Of Emotional Strain · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, Chart and Adolescent Psychotherapist, and this is episode two of the three-part series entitled Children Caught in the Middle of Parental Conflict.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the reason this is a three-part series is predominantly because there are so many aspects to consider, and what I want to try and do is walk through those in a careful and considered way.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: In future series, I will be looking a little more in depth at some particular aspects of the experience and behaviors of children, which parents can really respond to if they understand them.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: So today we're going to look at how we recognize the warning signs of emotional overload.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: And in the previous episode, we spoke about children as the silent casualties of parental conflict and the emotional work they do quietly, often unseen beneath the surface.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: But today we turned to something practical and important.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it's this how do you recognize when a child is carrying too much?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't about blame, it's it's about noticing, because noticing protects.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, children rarely say they're overwhelmed.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Children seldom say I'm emotionally burdened by conflict.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Instead they show us.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: And they do this through behavior, emotion, and sometimes subtle changes.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And often these changes are misunderstood.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now the emotional warning signs that parents see and often ask me about are things like increased anxiety or clinginess, tearfulness without clear reason, fear of separation, emotional shutdown or numbness, guilt about leaving or loving or missing the other parent, and worry about the parent's well-being.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now these are not about weaknesses, they're signs of emotional strain.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in addition, we often see behavioral signs.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Some children will show distress through their behaviour, irritability or anger, withdrawal from family or friends, regression, which is when behaviours associated with when the child was younger begin to return.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Distress before or after transitions between homes.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I've heard this more times than I can remember.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Parents talking about how the child's behavior changes the day before contact or how the child is when they return, often quite chaotic.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Behavior is a form of emotional communication, and you've heard me say this, and I'll continue to say so because it's so important to understand that behavior is something which is alerting us to the unspoken, the perhaps even the unspeakable.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So the question isn't so much why are they behaving like this, it's what are they trying to manage.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's not always easy to identify, but asking the question creates a shift in your perception.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now, sometimes there are relational signs.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Children who feel emotionally burdened may begin to try to manage the adult's emotions.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: They can almost become preoccupied with the adult's emotional well-being.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: They also might find themselves unable to speak freely about the other parent.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they carry messages between parents.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: They become unusually aligned with one parent, and they could often fear saying the wrong thing.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: And as I've said, they monitor the adults' reactions.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: But when children feel responsible for adult emotions, the emotional load becomes too heavy.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And we start to see expressions in other settings as well.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: So we see cognitive and school-related times.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: The emotional strain affects thinking and concentration.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: So you may see reduced focus, falling school performance, and in some instances attendance, daydreaming or mental absence, perfectionism or fear of mistakes.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And these are not simply academic issues.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: They often reflect emotional pressure.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: We also see something called somatizing or physical and nervous system signs.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they will experience the emotional stress in their bodies.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: We might see sleep disturbance, sometimes nightmares, difficulty falling asleep, needing extra time at night, needing the caregiver to stay with them, stomach aches, headaches, appetite changes, hypervigilance and fatigue.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: So the nervous system is saying something that words can't say because the child doesn't have the words to say it, so the body is speaking instead.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And the quiet child, sometimes children don't act out.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: They say they're fine, they become seemingly the easy one, they stop expressing needs and they adapt silently.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And these are the children who are most often overlooked.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Although there are times when, if I'm working with a child who has siblings, I'm alert to the fact that although those siblings may not be expressing difficulties through their behavior, it could be a matter of time before that changes.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: So silence doesn't mean absence of harm, it means adaptation to strain.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when should you seek support?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my guidance would be consider seeking help if distress persists over time and behaviour worsens rather than settles, or your child appears emotionally burdened, and also when contact or separation and transitions cause distress.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, early support often prevents deeper harm, and I think this is important because sometimes when I see patients, they have been through all these stages and are now at a different point, and this is particularly so with adolescents, where they have followed this trajectory and it has become something which is now finding expression through behaviors that are quite concerning.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: So when we recognize the signs, we give children the chance to feel safe again before distress becomes entrenched.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: In episode three, I want to talk about what helps in these situations and when the conflict can't be fixed, so to speak.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: What can we do to help children survive?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: But also help parents survive.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.