Latest / The Arise with Anita Podcast / Vital Stillness: The Pause That Ends Burnout & Brings You Back to You | Dr. Melinda McCarty

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Vital Stillness: The Pause That Ends Burnout & Brings You Back to You | Dr. Melinda McCarty · The Arise with Anita Podcast

• 0:30
  SPEAKER_03: So here I saw episodes for me and interviews with schools of the leaders, the best in their field, who live, what they teach, and rise by example.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_03: Each conversation is a callus for your next breakthrough.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_03: You're not breaking, you're breaking through.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_03: Let's go ahead and rise together.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome back to the Rise with Anita podcast.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: Or welcome if you're new here.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_02: On today's conversation is for the woman who can feel something is shifting.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_02: Not because she's falling apart, but because she is being called into a deeper season of herself.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_02: I'm joined by Dr.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_02: Melinda McCarthy, author, leadership strategist, and guide for high-capacity women navigating what she beautifully names two full seasons.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: Melinda is the author of Sovereign Season, Vile Stillness, and The Art of Thriving, a powerful offering for women experiencing burnout, identity loss, caregiving overload, and the quiet longing to remember who they are beneath all the roles they carry.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_02: With over three decades in organizational leadership and innovation, Melinda now devotes her work to what she calls the invisible glue, the woman who's holding families, teams, systems, and legacies together.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_02: Her work helps women reset their nervous systems, rewrite the stories driving burnout, and return to themselves with clarity, presence, and power.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_02: At the heart of her work is vital stillness, a bold spirit-filled practice that lives at the intersection of nervous system, science, and the sacred.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: Stillness in Melinda's world is not withdrawal, it is the most potent moment before meaningful action.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_02: It's where you break open, not apart, and reclaim the layer of light.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_02: This conversation is a reminder that many of our mothers and grandmothers carried dreams that they may not have had the permission or safety to pursue.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_02: And that is what many women now, this season, is becoming to the one that the finally does.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_02: This is a conversation about sovereignty, remembrance, and the power of stillness to ignite our next becoming by focusing on the being.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_02: Let's rise into it together.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: So welcome, Dr.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_02: Melinda McCarthy.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_02: I'm so excited to have you here.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you, Anita.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited to be here.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: What an introduction.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_02: So before we get too deep, I wanna take a moment and just ask you to anchor in what is bringing you the most joy right now in this current season.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Well, there's so much joy right now, but not but and I am so excited at how many younger women I'm seeing on social media and that I'm drawing in energetically who are doing the work, who are already, uh you're one of them, practicing mindfulness, the breathwork, uh giving themselves permission to shine.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Something that I took me decades to really authentically do.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are doing now, and that's just that that brings me a lot of joy.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: What a beautiful answer.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm so honored to have called you in as well.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: I remember when we were first come group together, I was just like, we have all these powerful ladies, and then there's me.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_02: And wasn't even in a degrading way, but it was just this wondering of like, what is that common thread?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: And the more I got to know each of you ladies in our group, and then the more you and I started interacting, I was like, oh, we're basically do there's like this thread that's while we're separate generations, we are coming into the same truth.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_02: So before, because our audience doesn't know your story, I want to dive into what you and I were actually sharing about a couple of days ago, which was your story and how you came into this work, but you already had your tools and your techniques.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_02: But it was in the moment where when life was a bit chaotic that you finally started to need to coat you the work to start working.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_02: I think there was a different shift because you learned when maybe you were more along the lines of blissfully dissatisfied to when it was when you were in your, as we've called it, survival mode.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_02: See yeah, yeah.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: So several 10-15 years ago, I got certification in yoga and deep, deep work in yoga and meditation and mindfulness, and just because I loved the work and it's something I had always wanted to do and had been a dancer and martial artist, and it just kind of seemed like the next thing.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't really put it into practice.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I thought, you know, and then several years ago, I have an adult child now, but he had just turned 21 and he was in that 21-year-old kind of crazy time of life, and we were very estranged, very estranged, and he's my only child, and we've always been so close.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: And there was a night when we were on the phone with each other, and he said, You're dead to me, and I'm dead to you.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: We're no longer mother and son.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, that was absolutely the moment when my world felt like it was breaking open and breaking apart.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I laid there that night and I thought, I can't sleep.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I can't.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm praying, but I'm not even sure anybody's hearing me, even though I'm a believer.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: I was so shattered, and I thought, where do I do?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing it now.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: I breathed.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I do.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I breathe.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I was taught to do.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to consciously breathe, and I'm gonna breathe in and I'm gonna hold it, and I'm gonna breathe that.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I lived through that breath, and I did that all night and eventually drifted off to sleep.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And the next morning was still shattered, and we'll honestly will say it wasn't a one-day, oh, I discovered a breeding practice and I'm fine.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: But that process I was able to survive, and I was able to then put these tools to work that I had really just always played with, and I saw that they worked.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Not only did they work to get me through, but I began to feel actually better, even with that relationship still fractured, even with other craziness that was going on.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: My brother was terminally ill, my my mother is, you know, in her, she's 89 now, but was in her 80s and having some health issues.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: My husband was having some health issues, it was just a lot.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Work was crazy, corporate job.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: I started to actually feel better than I'd ever felt, oddly.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I saw that it was this power of the pause.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Getting still, hence the name, vital stillness, getting very, very still, not pulling the covers over my head and going into a black funk and turning off the lights and not talking to anyone, but actually getting still and then taking the next step.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: The breath and then the step, and then the breath, and then the step.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: That makes sense.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I came to the work.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Survival.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: To thriving.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I went from the surviving to striving, like, oh, this is gonna work.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is and then it became this that you and I have talked about this, this this thriving, this not being pushed to do the work, but being pulled into the next phase and feeling, wow, this is pretty amazing.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: My relationship with my son is fully restored.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: My mom is 89 and thriving.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: My husband's health is better than it was.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: My brother did pass away, but in my belief that he's in a better place.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And his his passing was beautiful because I was present and I wasn't trying to fix everything, I was just being rather than doing all the things.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_02: Beautiful, and yes, it does make sense.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_02: And what I love actually brings us to a quote from your very own book.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_02: A tragedy is not the stormy weather, it's forgetting who you are in the middle of it.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: So I love that you were able to start the remembrance while you were in this, call it season hectic this.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_02: And you do a lot of work with women who are burnt out.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: And I think a lot of times our societal misconception is usually it's oh, they're burnt out because they don't like their jobs.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_02: And while that might be a factor, you pointed out it was women are the highest gender that does the caregiving role, and we play a lot of roles and wear a lot of hats.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_02: So, in your I guess, expertise of working with women and then having been in the leadership roles, what I wanted to ask you next is just what was that breaking point for you where it was like, okay, how do I manage this in the workspace?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're you're absolutely correct.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Women are I called it, I call it a two-full season.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Women, I am 62 out of 62.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm almost 63.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm closer to 63 than 62.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_02: Look fabulous, by the way.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: And here's here's why.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because I figured out that I wasn't, that there wasn't something wrong with me.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I would that would be the first thing I would say is that, you know, yes, I'm Dr.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Melinda McCarty, but I'm not here to tell you what's wrong with you or your listeners what's wrong with them.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: And here's a here's a pill or a patch or uh something to do to fix you.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're not broken.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't broken, but I was just overwhelmed.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I was covered up with all these roles.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: And women particularly, but men as well, but but women, particularly in my age, there's this word, this, this word, and you can Google it, called the sandwich generation.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that is a person who's caring for an aging parent and or aging spouse, caring for younger, you know, like in my case, my adult son, but for instance, my cousin and his wife are raising their grandchildren because their daughter passed away.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: So they're in a sandwich generation.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: They're that sandwich where you've got somebody that is above you that needs care, and somebody younger than you or depending on you that needs care.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then what do you do?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: You're you're at home and you're doling out all the care.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then at seven o'clock in the morning, you get in your car and go somewhere to a job and smile and I'm here.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope I'm up for my next promotion.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: And gosh, I'm really hoping I get to go on the corporate trip.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And meanwhile, I hope that my family can survive while I'm gone.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: And she's gonna, who's gonna remind my mom to take her?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know, all the things.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so this burnout, I think, comes at this caregiving that's violent.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: We don't go into work and say, hey, I'm stressed out because I'm caring for my older parent and my grandkids, and my we don't talk about that.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: And certainly my generation, we were told you don't really talk about personal things like that in the workplace, and so there's this burden, and no one knows you're carrying it.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so there's a mask, and you've got this mask on, and so it's just exhausting.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: So, what happened for me was I mean, are you asking about what broke at work corporate-wise, what what broke that open, not part, but broken open.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Literally, I was sitting at my desk and the CEO, God bless him, he's a friend.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: The CEO was sitting talking to me about a rug.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: I had purchased a rug.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'd said, Oh, yeah, sure, I've got plenty of time.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'll help you redo your house because that's what I'm good at.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Why not?
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: I've got nothing else to do.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: All these other things I'm telling you about.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways, what women do, and uh-huh.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: How hard can it be?
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: He's never here.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'll redo his house.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll have my assistant and I will do it, I'll show her how to do.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, he's sitting in my room just talking about his rug, and that his new girlfriend really kind of feels weird that I'm helping him.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe that should be her role.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm thinking, well, yeah, should, but I said I'd do it.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And meanwhile, my phone texts and I look, glance down, and I see it's my brother who's in the hospital, and the text says, SOS, my skin is splitting apart.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I'm coming out of my body, and they won't give me anything.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: We had a blood infection in addition to cancer.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: And he was in the hospital for 40 days.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so I am listening about this rug, and I glance down and see this SOS, my skin is putting it splitting apart.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Can you bring me some lotion?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I did what every good person does.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: I turned the phone over and hit silent and just kept talking about the rugs.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, What are you doing?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you in this moment?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I took a deep breath and I said, Don't worry about the rug.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'll buy the rug.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: We pray to Melon.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'll not take it back.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'll flip the rug, don't worry.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Forget the rug and see ya.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Have a good trip.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: And continued believing going.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I got up and I went in and said to the president of the company, I'll be back.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm leaving.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: He said, We're called.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I'll be back, but I'm leaving.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, long story short, in that 10-minute conversation, he kept trying to figure out what I was trying to say.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I finally said, I'm going to the hospital to take care of my brother.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then when I come back, we'll have a conversation about what the next two weeks are going to look like because I'm done.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: I am not doing this anymore.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: This is not my dream job.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: I have a life that is calling me and something that I'm supposed to be doing, and it's not this.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: And that's that's what happened.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, that's what I did.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I went home, and of course, my husband said, I said, Well, I just quit my job today.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband's legs kind of buckle.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, Melinda, what about the health insurance benefits?
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: And what about that great salary?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because it was the biggest salary I'd made.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that's what we do.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: We get more and more money.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, if I did not quit the job, I was going to use every bit of those benefits, or I was going to die because I'm a little dramatic.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, or I was going to die because this is killing me.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: I can't sustain this.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that's burnout.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they're not just women, but that's what we do.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: We get to that moment where the lid, the pressure cooker lid, just it's got a blow.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's burnout.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not because I didn't love my job.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: I loved it.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: I loved the people.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: They were tons of fun.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: It was it was great to do.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: It was, you know, just after COVID, it was a young, dynamic company it was something had to give.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I was fortunate that I knew that financially I could do that.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: But honestly, Anita, I would have done it even if financially I couldn't have done it.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because at some point when burnout gets big enough and deep enough, I believe that we break, we break and run.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I as I kind of I think you referenced, I didn't break apart, but I did break open.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that was when I started to say all of these things are are very clearly signs.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: How many signs do you need before you go, okay God, the creator, whatever your belief is, I believe in God, and okay, God, I hear you.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I will pause and I will rest.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's a Bible verse that says, He maketh me lie down in green pastures.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't say he suggests it.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: He if you want to.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: It says he maketh me lie down in green pastures, and I had to lie down.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um beautiful.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_02: I think what I really want acknowledged for though is you didn't wait until I mean, yes, you had that moment where you were like, okay, what am I doing with the rug story?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_02: But at the same time, you didn't wait for it to further progress before you were like, I'm out.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_02: Because in my case, it was like I was I now recognize I was at a point of burnout, but I was still checking through because in your mind, it's like I have the bills and I have people I'm taking care of.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_02: How am I supposed to be irresponsible and stop and go all in on the stream?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_02: And I unfortunately or unfortunately in that moment, it was like God was like, Okay, you're not leaving on your behalf, so let me make this no longer an option.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_02: And so I think it's interesting seeing the dynamic of like you recognize there was that quiet ache.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_02: And then as I was reading through some of the stuff that you've sent me, I can totally relate where you were talking about the woman who drives home at the end of the day and she just takes a few minutes in her car before she enters the house because she knows she's going to have to start again because her day has not fully finished, her work day may have finished, but she's still in this like pause moment.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_02: And so I was like, Oh, the amount of times I've done that when you get home and you're just like, I'm gonna take five minutes to like a song, or just like take some breathing moments because I don't wanna I'm not gonna be able to take that break when I get in.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: And and and and and isn't that a beautiful?
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: That you give the people that are waiting on the other side.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: That driveway moment has happened many times in my life.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: It still happens because I believe that, but it's different now.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's an intentional pause to say, I'm going to truly transition here and give my best, the best I've got to those at home, or I'm going to pause in the parking lot before I go into work and give those at work the best because they don't deserve whatever I'm carrying forward if it's not causative from the last interaction, right?
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I do.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is a universal feeling that maybe doesn't come quite so dramatically.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, for there are some people who don't have that feeling of being called for more.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: But for people like you and me that know that there's work we're supposed to do and we're in the wrong space, it's going to come.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: And you may be called out, you know, whether whether the company closes or they riff your position or whatever, it does get worked out in your favor.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: And in hindsight, you can look back and do, oh, that was such a blessing, right?
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: Wasn't a blessing.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't feel good at the time.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: Rejection never feels good.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Separation or change is never say never, but it's rarely, yay, we're changing everything.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: Everything.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: But good for you.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I would say that the reason I knew that it was time was that I have been in this situation, not this same situation, obviously, but having had you know several different corporate roles.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I have known that it was time to go.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: But like you, I didn't go right away and I waited.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: But in hindsight, even well, I thought I could have gone six months sooner, and probably, probably it would have been better for all parties involved or whatever.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I think just with time and experience, I knew, I knew the clock was the clock was ticking and it was not going to get better.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_01: Beautiful.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_02: So we basically went through your story.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_02: Now I'm just curious because we both talk a lot about somatics and being in your body.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_02: So what did it require in your body, not just your mindset, to start to stay visible and when that light finally switched on for you?
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I have always been very, very physical.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I grew up starting dance classes when I was three and a half or four.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so very physical, cheerleader, tennis player, grand track, then you know, got out of school and did all the exercise classes that were popular in the 80s and 90s.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm dating myself, jazz or size and Zumba and all, you know, all this.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I was a martial artist and then, you know, got involved in yoga.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: So very aware of my body.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: But actually embodying, I think there's a big difference.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: Even you, you know, just even just a few months ago in that part, I was still a little disconnected from my body in that I was breathing, was doing the breath work, was doing the meditation and the mindfulness, you know, the right here, right now, be present, all of that.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, that saying, body, mind, and spirit.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I was doing the mind and I was doing the spirit, I was doing the breath, I was just kind of circling around this body thing.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I've there was, I don't think, I know, there was a part of me that I don't love my body like I used to, didn't feel yeah, in body, didn't feel as vital, even even though I had already crafted the name vital stillness, I I I looked at that as it was important vital as an important to be still.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then I went, wait a minute, vital is vitality, it's a life force, it's the energy flowing through this vessel, this this pimple.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: I need to reconnect with that in a big way.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: And when I do kalates five, six days a week, they're my husband, God bless him.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: He, you know, he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and the most sexy woman in the world, which is, ladies, I'm telling you, the greatest gift you can have is when you have a man that digs that and don't say to him, Oh no, look, look how wrinkled my skin is.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because they don't see it.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I started to believe and feel and be to be as the here's the word, beautiful.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I heard this in the meditation a long time ago, but be you to the full, beautiful means to be you to the full.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm being authentic and I'm acknowledging that light within me that is the spirit, that is my light to shine, it lives in my body, it is in this skin and bones.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: How can that not be beautiful?
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: How can that not be anything more than amazing and vital and full of life?
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's my choice to take care of it and acknowledge.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: The skin may be a little wrinkled.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: Hair is turning gray, and I quit coloring it a few years ago because I thought, you know what?
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is me right now, right here, and I love my body.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so grateful for these legs and feet that work, and these hands that can still, you know, not great, but play an instrument and write and cook and hold my loved ones.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: This voice that still works, this mind that it's still sharp.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's also that brain is separate than our thoughts.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I love my body.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_02: Love this.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_02: So why do you think stillness is actually so confronting for women?
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_02: That getting still and present, in your opinion.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, we're conditioned to be one step ahead.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: So doing all of the things are our clothes washed for school tomorrow for all the kids.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: Do we have food for breakfast?
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: Do we have the lunches ready?
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: We are well, when I was a school principal, I learned this because I had to do it for a thousand kids.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then when I was a superintendent or assistant superintendent, it's for thousands of kids, have the calendar ready.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know when the hundredth day of school is, but these kids and these teachers need to know.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I've got to be doing thinking 100 days ahead.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: Side note, but why do I think stillness is so hard for women is exactly that.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: We are the scouts, we are the we are the prep team, we're the advanced work team, you know.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: Conferences don't just happen overnight.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody comes and sets up the chairs.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: Usually that's the women, and they bring and they uh, you know, and I'm not being uh love me some men, but I think that for women in particular, you're not a mom yet.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: But any mom out there will tell you that once you have a child, God, you know, you hope they're healthy and they learn to crawl and all that, you can't even sit on the potty chair uh without somebody, you know.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you're just you gotta make it happen.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: You you you it's so I think we we just feel like I'll get everybody else's stuff done and then I'll take a few minutes.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so these are snatched moments, and the stillness part feels like I'm hand feel, like I'm being a little selfish.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm letting people down.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm not gonna have it all prepped to where it's easy for them the next day or the next week or the next period of life.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: We we've yeah, we've been called do you feel this way?
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: You're you're I do a young woman, and you still how hard is stillness for you?
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, sometimes I feel like for me it's just if I'm not being conscious, it's very easy to be like on to the next.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_02: And even for example, I've I think I discussed this with you.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_02: When it came to meditating, I always used to because it's so still, and then you have the wandering mind.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_02: And so I did not like that feeling because it was just too slow for me, which is how I started getting into Bratwurk because at least the breathing motion for some reason, because it's acting still, I realized this is my like somewhat compromise to it, where I'm technically in common this hybrid of stillness and activity, but I feel good about it.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's the main thing.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever works for you.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is this is you know, I came to meditation through yoga.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: A few minutes at the end of a martial arts class, you would do a little bit of meditation, but really it was just to catch your breath for me.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, if it's true.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: I came to meditation and mindfulness through yoga and found it to be so intriguing.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then when I learned that yoga, proper yoga, was really the postures were really designed to be able to get the body moved and limber enough to then be able to sit, still.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: So kind of like telling a toddler, go run it out, so they'll you know be able to take a nap.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, I thought, okay, well, as I'm getting older and you know, joint mobility and things like that, although as flexible now than than I was 20 years ago because of all the recent work, last three or four years.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: But I thought, okay, I need to, I want to, not need to, I want to develop a practice that I can do for the rest of my life.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: And let me let me look at this and read John Cabot Zinn's amazing book, Full Catastrophe Living.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: He's kind of the godfather of mindfulness and listened to a lot of meditation and found some teachers that I really, really liked, and found that there was so much power for me personally in being very still.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now I haven't even put a primer on anymore.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's like with anything else.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: You when you're first learning, it is like you said, the mind and the agony, or oh, have I been here?
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: Three minutes.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: Then it just becomes just a pattern, a way of life, a way of just dropping in in the in the driveway.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: I can drop in and my husband will open the garage door and be like, what are you doing out here?
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: I was on the phone.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_02: What I was, but it was 20 minutes ago, you know.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_02: So yeah.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_02: I love that you brought that up.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_02: And this actually leads us to another quote from your incredible book.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_02: I just have to say, I want the first copy of that once it's out.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm loving all these quotes because I'm like, yeah, oh, I remember that now.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: What was I thinking?
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's a pretty good one.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_02: And for those who are listening, the quote that I'm referencing here is stillness is not the absence of life.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_02: It is the doorway to it.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, I have been a very busy girl all my life.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: Go, go, go, go, go.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: I got it from my mother.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: My mother's 89 years old, smokes two packs a day, still works in her yard.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: I spent my entire childhood.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: She was a realtor running after her.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: We were going people.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: We were doing people.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_01: For me.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_01: Stillness.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_01: The reason I say it's the gateway to life is when I'm still, and I could say you, but I can't speak for you or anyone else.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, when I am still, I'm not doing I'm being.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not becoming.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not doing.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not about to.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_00: In Texas, we say fixing to, but I am.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_01: I am.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that creates the space for everything that comes after.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because I know if I'm blessed enough, I'm going to get up and then move into something intentional.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: But it's because I've chosen to rather than driven or in this frenzy of get it done.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not to say I don't get into that, you know, as my mother says, head down and butt up, work in where you're just gonna work it, you know.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: I I mean, you gotta clean out the garage.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm not love and light, and let's move these boxes.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: We haven't moved in 24 years, and you know, let's move these boxes, right?
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, stillness is the permission and the reminder that I am first and foremost a human being.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where my worth comes from.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_02: I love this.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_02: I love this.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_02: Honestly, when I read that quote, I was just like, oh my gosh.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_02: Because how often are we so play tuned, especially as women, to be in constant, consistent motion?
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_02: And so it's almost like taking that stillness or that pause can make you also feel guilty.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: Guilty is such a charged word, isn't it?
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so I heard the difference between guilt and shame is guilt is I feel bad for doing something.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_01: And shame is I'm just bad, right?
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_01: So guilty is it is the hearing uh feeling guilty for being still, I feel like is again it's that judgment that am I enough?
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_00: Am I am I enough if I'm just here being still?
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: Does my family still love me?
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: Do they still value me?
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_00: Do does my boss still love me?
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: Does he still value me?
• 37:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my friends, do they still love me and value me?
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: If I don't say I'm going to do XYZ party for that I've always done for the church or whatever.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think that's a that's a that's where a lot of the work has to come in as individuals where knock would.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm not feeling guilty about much these days because I am being much more intentional about my choices.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_00: And if those are my true authentic choices that are based on what's gonna move my life and the dreams and visions that I have, core word.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's just gotta be enough.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's enough for me, and I think if it's enough for me, that's what really matters.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because as people pleasers, our trap is, oh you're nodding.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: Our trap is what will they say?
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_00: Mine, I used to tell my mother, if I could have bought a website all those years ago that said what they say, because that was, I mean, I love her to death, but that is how she lived her life.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, they say, Whoo, who's they?
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care what they say, and and I think that's really how we have to get about our lives and our choices.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_00: Not to be mean, but it's not meaning to take care of yourself.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_02: Actually, that brings us into another segment that you and I are both very passionate about, and that is generational cycles and patterns of exactly that, like these mentalities that you get conditioned to worry about what others are thinking or how it may be perceived as you're making your own choices and starting to live your life.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_02: So, what are some of the generational patterns that maybe you had to face in breaking in order for your continuing generations to not have to deal with that cycle?
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly that.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I am, as I told you, in my 60s, I finally sat my mother and my husband down, and they're both amazing, amazing human beings.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_00: But I had to set sit them both down, which really was sitting myself down within present and saying exactly what I said.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't ask for much.
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_00: But I said it out loud, I never said this before in my life.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't ask for much.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I give and I give and I give because I love you guys.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm asking you, I know you don't necessarily agree or understand me not having the corporate job, having high security job with benefits and help.
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm asking you to support my decision to pursue a dream.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how much time any of us have left.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_00: All I know is I am going to go for it.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_00: I have a vision, it's not just a dream, it's a vision.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_00: Aaron, you may not understand it.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_00: You may not even like it.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I'm asking.
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_00: two of you get together and say, I don't know why she's doing she could work at any school district.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_00: She can work at any corporation.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_00: They hire her in a second sheep.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_00: I need you to not do that.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: I need you to just say we love her.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_00: She takes great care of us.
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_00: She looks happier than she's ever been.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I need you to support me.
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what they said?
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or look at each other and they said okay.
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_00: And guess what?
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they've been doing.
• 41:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I had never asked for their support.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_00: I had been so busy trying to earn their approval so that I would do all the things that would like make everybody feel safe and happy and then I could carve out a little bit of time for me.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_00: And now that is my mother is a realtor.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: He's been very successful but she grew up in the depression born in the 30s grew up in the depression.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_00: She's always been terrified of being poor and my dad was a dreamer, a geologist, but a dreamer and went broke a couple of times in the oil business because he tried to go out on his own and they'd turn off the elect you know they used to come and knock on the door at dinner time and say, if you can't pay this light bill, you know, at the time$15 light bill or whatever it was if you can't pay this rent turn the electricity off and my mom would be scrounging in her purse to get coins and you know picky banks and things.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_00: I mean I remember that maybe it was twice in my life but still I remember and they divorced and my mom sold real estate.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_00: She was amazing at it.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_00: She was terrified of being poor she made me terrified of being poor I always felt like we were right on the edge of the poor house.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_00: Even though we were buying or she was buying rental properties through the years even though we never had a mortgage even so I didn't know how money worked.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_00: I just knew what it felt like and so what is the generational cycle that I'm trying to break my son's 24.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_00: He's a professional poker player.
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_00: He has a college degree he's brilliant you know genius level IQ in college degree graduated from college in two and a half years at 20 graduated high school at 16 and 17 17 I guess he's a professional poker player.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because that is his dream and I told him I didn't five bulls telling you now you support yourself I'm not paying your bills but I support your desire to follow your dream harness rough poker stuff down you win win loose and at some point that may not be his dream or his passion anymore but for right now he's following his bliss and for me if that breaks that cycle someday I'm gonna do everything for everybody else and then someday I'll get my shot that's then I've then my work is done beautiful about you how about you what are you doing to break the cycle there's a lot I'm doing to break the cycle I feel like for me it's been a journey of starting to lay down a bit of like boundaries because the women in my life have been very powerful but very afraid to speak up or feeling like if they do speak up they're not going to be heard.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_02: So there's a lot of this mentality of starting to speak up and then also making choices and decisions following in the same vein of what you were saying my own bliss rather than looking for that check box to fill out what they say looks good oh they'll think that's impressive right oh that that oh that Anita she's she's something else no she's someone else not this person.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah good for you I I also will share that my family history has a lot of mental illness in it addiction my mom is from a family of seven kids my dad had a really dysfunctional childhood parents were divorced and he was two and he was born in the 20s so that really didn't happen but his mom was a little nutty strong super strong willed based on everything I've heard she was very very strong willed and that of course was crazy but I think she was just maybe a little bit of both.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway my I didn't I didn't ever know her but my mom's family was the the family that I grew up in.
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_00: And she's from a family of seven kids very strong women well very loud women very vocal women my grandfather was a very strong like a man's man fisher hunter water well I mean blue collar guy with the women in my mother's family very you know everybody had just talk talk talk talk talk and and there were two aunts that were that had nervous breakdowns in the 70s and both of them were very of the five girls in my mom's family they were the the soft ones they were the ones that were real tenderhearted very emotional soft spoken and so what did I learn there?
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_00: Number one that that was shame that was you know I used to get out of school to take these ants what was a family trip.
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_00: Well what we were doing was taking my ants to the mental hospital an hour and a half up the highway so they could you know get get treatment.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I always felt like it was crazy in my family.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then what I started to believe was that if you're soft if you're vulnerable if they see you're weak they're going to eat you a lot they're gonna find out how to hurt you and they will hurt you.
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so I that was the armoring up and so what generationally do I hope changes with that I know now years later our family acknowledges that addiction is a real thing in our family alcoholism and you know other kinds of addiction and we acknowledge I acknowledge we acknowledge that faith is something that is in God not our family that's not the God and that it's okay to get help in fact being willing to get help and see comfort and understanding rather than the doing is the braver action a much braver.
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_02: It's the act of sitting with either the feelings or the parts of ourselves that we don't necessarily like and allowing ourselves to have that grace of witnessing without running from it because I think human nature when it comes to these aspects that we don't necessarily appreciate we want to just hike up and run.
• 48:30
  SPEAKER_00: But you take you wherever you go well I've done the geographicals you know it's a younger woman bad relationships or whatever we're sitting a relationship once and we moved three or four times in I mean cross country kind of things in a very short period of time and I can look back and go oh yeah that's when I really went into therapy.
• 48:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah I did a geographical three times and we both kept going we both were there we were here we are and that doesn't work got to see some nice places but yeah it didn't fix the relationship what fixed the relationship was us fixing ourselves separately it was not a good relationship healthy relationship had a few of those unhealthy relationships and so yeah asking for help and I think part of the beautiful thing you ask what makes gives me joy another thing that gives me joy is how much more open and seeking of community people seem to be right now.
• 49:32
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's me maybe it's that I'm more open and I think you and I have talked open is a big word for me open I'm not guarded I'm not I'm not asking somebody to come and punch me in the stellar plexus but my aren't I mean I am a martial artist I'll probably kick you back but but I but I am open and my arms are open as opposed to I mean this is a standard position for me and it's not because I'm closing somebody off because I have it's because I have really long arms but but but just being consciously open I feel like with the work that I'm doing that you're doing women in particular but even men I've got some men that are inquiring about this work because I don't know if it's AI and all these other things which I love me some AI I think you know that I love technology and I also love the human connection and I think that people are hungry for genuine human connection.
• 50:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about hookups all that but I'm talking about true human connection beyond different than friendship it's soulship it's kinship it's finding your tribe even if you're not related by blood I think people are actively seeking that do you feel there?
• 51:18
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely I think that's exactly how I found us in our whole group was looking for women that were on a like-minded journey and path and just being able to learn and grow together and I think there's a beauty in the community and our little like sisterhood that we've all developed which is we don't see one another even if we are in the exact same space, we don't see each other as competition.
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_02: In fact we're more about let's collaborate hey how can I show up to support you and I think there's something so beautiful because we're able to see the gap and share that with each other.
• 52:00
  SPEAKER_02: And there's that sense of I can have a witness to this process because I think so often when you're doing everything alone, it feels very isolating.
• 52:12
  SPEAKER_02: But to have that community where you can go I'm having a downward spiral in this moment and I know it's not forever but I just need to be witnessed in this moment or help talk me out of this there's something beautiful about having that place that you can go and it's a safe space.
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I'm in love with that word witness witness I mean it's a great word but and you know think about the word witness maybe I'm gonna go off on a tangent here but it's someone who sees something with their own eyes and sorry my spam risk is going off my phone is blasting being somebody witnessing not only in a downward spiral or a tough time but someone witnessing us you me being our absolute authentic self and us not changing or morphing to please them it takes practice for me I would say that it it takes practice to be present with another human being and not because I've been I'm guessing you have too been a people pleaser that chameleon that can flip it around and be the hey the life of the party or oh the serious one but to be that truly authentic me and have you witness it and it be consistent that's that's there's some work right there and that requires human connection.
• 53:56
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely something to disagree with you and say hey you just changed your whole energy and I'm like I kind of like that on you Melinda I mean well I mean I love I love AI but it's sometimes it's I just want to say just disagree with me one time.
• 54:17
  SPEAKER_00: They're right I mean that's how they program it though yeah you can you can prompt it to to to be devil's advocate or that's not the word I use with it but I forget the word but you can you can you can prompt it to give it the context that you want it to be contrarian.
• 54:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's the word I be a contrarian tell me what I'm missing blind spots anyway.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_02: Beautiful well shifting gears because one of the topics that are so hot and close to your heart is the idea that our mothers and our grandmothers have carried dreams that they didn't necessarily feel the safety or they felt like they did have the resources perhaps or the permission to pursue and how that longing can start to move quietly through the generations as they're developing.
• 55:12
  SPEAKER_00: So my question for you is how does it shape the urgency and the tenderness of the work you're currently doing wow what a great question how has the generational let me see if I've got this right because I want to answer that was a beautiful it hit me right in the heart how has the generational things that maybe my mom my grandmother didn't have the opportunity the women in my family didn't have the opportunity to do influenced me in terms of dreams yeah oh wow in terms of dreams well my grandmother was an artist he got married wanted to go to college you know as women did in the 20s 30s early 30s 20s and started having children she was very intelligent but she was also an artist she was able to live out her art she met made beautiful paintings and things but she didn't have the education and so that was always important to her.
• 56:15
  SPEAKER_00: My mother wanted to be a housewife that was her whole dream and she also didn't get an education she graduated from high school and then of course got married at 18 had kids and then got divorced and had to go into the workforce and was very successful but her dream was to be a stay-at-home mom I've done all of those things I went and got you know three degrees bachelor's master's doctorate because no one in my family had done that I you know didn't realize at the time but it was important to me that I go all the way educationally I think because my grandmother always thought I was so smart and she didn't get to do that.
• 57:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then for my mom I was a stay-at-home mom for eight years when my son was born I loved being with my son don't get me wrong I was bored out of my mind so far in creative outlet you can only play so much Yu-Gi-Oh SpongeBob crayons Legos and so I volunteered for a lot of stuff but I did those things and again it was almost like I was racking out what their dream was so I've never had anybody ask me that Anita but I did I definitely did that and had the safe job like my mom's vision of just go to work for the post office get benefits have that was her dream job for anybody who's get benefits and have and I mean seriously my whole life I've heard being if he would just you know Martin my son plays poker if he would just like get a job at the post office then he would have a pension and he could still play poker.
• 58:02
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody in his family is going to work at the post office okay we're not but yeah you had a hundred percent commission job so now what does it mean to me now to be saying I'm living my dream think that if I had I know not even think I feel like if I had done this early on they would have been just as happy as all of the other successes and milestones of course my grandmother called me graduate from did she know she passed away before I graduated from college but she knew I was in college it was important.
• 58:38
  SPEAKER_00: I mean come on live your life for you and that that's the one thing I would say is anybody who's listening for this really truly get still get quiet I'm not saying go to a an ashram if you want to that's fine.
• 58:55
  SPEAKER_00: But it's like the conductor with the baton right before the music starts like what's that movie Mr.
• 59:01
  SPEAKER_00: Holland's opus you have a life story you have a you have a symphony of a life inside of you and what vital stillness is is that use my lipstick here but it's that that conductor's baton it's that moment just before the music starts take a moment it may take you six months it may take one year it may take you five years I don't know but the more the more you listen to your voice rather than your mom's voice or your grandmother's voice or your aunt's voice you know your dad's voice all those people love you right they're not you you are uniquely you and so I would just say get still give yourself permission develop a develop a rhythm of stillness it's not a one and done get clear and take the next big step and let you have to let some stuff go and that's okay too let go of other people's rules and decide on yours your values your beliefs your non-negotiables all the the goals advantage and y years and this many cars but the the values and the the how you're going to judge yourself or grade yourself On a daily basis.
• 1:00:50
  SPEAKER_00: And mine is, you know, values, value statements, belief statements.
• 1:00:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then let all the rest of it go.
• 1:01:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because nobody cares that you've been vice president of marketing or assistant superintendent or whatever.
• 1:01:11
  SPEAKER_01: Job.
• 1:01:12
  SPEAKER_01: They don't they don't care.
• 1:01:16
  SPEAKER_01: People who love you really just want you to be happy.
• 1:01:19
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 1:01:20
  SPEAKER_00: And and and they're going to be uncomfortable as you get still and centered and stop dancing the dance for them.
• 1:01:31
  SPEAKER_01: They're going to be uncomfortable.
• 1:01:33
  SPEAKER_01: They'll come around.
• 1:01:36
  SPEAKER_02: Beautiful.
• 1:01:37
  SPEAKER_02: And lastly, before we wrap up, you know, speak about honoring time and that dreams actually have an expiration date.
• 1:01:46
  SPEAKER_02: How do we let that reality awaken us without letting it turn into pressure or regret?
• 1:01:52
  unknown: Okay.
• 1:01:53
  SPEAKER_00: That statement, dreams have an expiration date, came from my son.
• 1:01:56
  SPEAKER_00: He wasn't mad at me at the time.
• 1:01:57
  SPEAKER_00: He was very much on my side.
• 1:01:59
  SPEAKER_00: And he saw me kind of waffling and doing some things that were my mom, again, selling real estate, which is my mom's business, to sort of support her.
• 1:02:07
  SPEAKER_00: He'd like, mom, dreams have an expiration date.
• 1:02:11
  SPEAKER_00: And you have certain things you want to do.
• 1:02:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're not getting any younger.
• 1:02:19
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah.
• 1:02:21
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, he's 24, he's harsh.
• 1:02:24
  SPEAKER_00: But he's like, you know, I love you, but you know, there's this famous book called 4,000 weeks or something like that, but it's about the 4,000 weeks.
• 1:02:31
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm way up there in the way thousands, you know, the average lifespan is 40, 40, 4,000 weeks.
• 1:02:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm way up there in the 6000s, girl.
• 1:02:40
  SPEAKER_00: And we don't know.
• 1:02:42
  SPEAKER_00: We truly don't know whether we're halfway or not.
• 1:02:47
  SPEAKER_00: Or it could all be over tomorrow.
• 1:02:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not trying to be morbid, but every person in a cemetery had a dream.
• 1:02:54
  SPEAKER_00: And did they work toward it?
• 1:02:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think one of my phrases is savor the journey, because the journey is really all you can know.
• 1:03:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I have vision.
• 1:03:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I have a dream.
• 1:03:12
  SPEAKER_00: I've taken a dream and that made it a vision.
• 1:03:15
  SPEAKER_00: I have a vision and I'm journeying toward that, but I'm still savoring along the way the people I love, the process, the person I am and becoming and am.
• 1:03:28
  SPEAKER_00: Time that yes, it's every morning rolls around, and there's another seven o'clock in the morning, but it's a different day.
• 1:03:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yesterday is gone.
• 1:03:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's gone.
• 1:03:41
  SPEAKER_00: And not to be a Debbie Downer, but what are you doing?
• 1:03:45
  SPEAKER_00: Time matters.
• 1:03:49
  SPEAKER_01: You're never gonna get it back.
• 1:03:51
  SPEAKER_01: Go make the most of it.
• 1:03:53
  SPEAKER_01: Is that a Debbie Downer?
• 1:03:55
  SPEAKER_01: Not.
• 1:03:58
  SPEAKER_02: I wouldn't say it's a Debbie Downer.
• 1:04:00
  SPEAKER_02: I think that's just a little bit of a reality check for those of you who are listening.
• 1:04:05
  SPEAKER_02: Because I mean, to your point, your son being in his 20s, he's like blunt as can be, but he had to kind of give you that reality check of, hey, you're not going to live forever.
• 1:04:18
  SPEAKER_02: You have dreams, it's time to go pursue them.
• 1:04:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:04:22
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, he said, you tell me every every time we talk about poker or whatever, I want you to pursue your dream.
• 1:04:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if it changes, then then I want you to pursue the next one.
• 1:04:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying just quit and you know, drop and run to the next thing, but if it's truly what's in your heart, and he said, Mom, you've got to do the same thing.
• 1:04:41
  SPEAKER_00: You've got to pursue what's truly in your heart.
• 1:04:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I still want you to do my laundry.
• 1:04:45
  SPEAKER_00: Well, just kidding.
• 1:04:47
  SPEAKER_00: But but but yeah, it's he's blunt.
• 1:04:49
  SPEAKER_00: He's a savage, he's 24, and he knows that that's what it takes sometimes for me is a little bit of a kick in the pants because I can get very, oh well, I'm just gonna do my meditation and my mindfulness, and I'm going to be, you know, paint this room a beautiful color and all that's like create this beautiful space, and that's amazing.
• 1:05:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then what's the next part of that vision?
• 1:05:19
  SPEAKER_00: How do you get there?
• 1:05:20
  SPEAKER_00: So vital stillness is not pausing and stopping, it's pausing and then moving toward your vision.
• 1:05:31
  SPEAKER_02: Beautiful.
• 1:05:33
  SPEAKER_02: Honestly, I could have just took you forever.
• 1:05:37
  SPEAKER_02: Because when you and I talk, we can just talk.
• 1:05:40
  SPEAKER_02: And there's so much wisdom here, and I'm just putting it out here.
• 1:05:44
  SPEAKER_02: We are doing a round two when the book is finally out, which I'm so excited for because you're brilliant, and I want to just take a moment to honor you because you've really been able to take these years and do what Tony does in compounding decades into days, into honestly, that stillness and that still energy of you took these profound moments in life lessons into a book that I'm super excited to read, by the way.
• 1:06:21
  SPEAKER_02: Just like full synopsis that I received, I was just like, her work is freaking incredible.
• 1:06:27
  SPEAKER_02: Why isn't it already up there?
• 1:06:29
  SPEAKER_02: And so I'm super excited to read it.
• 1:06:31
  SPEAKER_02: So we're gonna do a part two and we'll go into your framework because we didn't even get a chance to talk about that.
• 1:06:38
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, you're brilliant.
• 1:06:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy to come back and I'm I'm happy to share any time and need.
• 1:06:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so excited for you and thank you for having me on.
• 1:06:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope it helps, you know, if one person just gives themself permission today to pause and know that this too shall pass.
• 1:06:59
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever is feeling heavy, this too shall pass.
• 1:07:03
  SPEAKER_00: And everything you need is within you now.
• 1:07:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's a Tony Rollins saying, yeah, all I need is within me now.
• 1:07:10
  SPEAKER_00: All I need is within me now.
• 1:07:12
  SPEAKER_00: It really is, and the way you find it is by breathing and listening and trusting your inner voice and let light shine, rise and shine, beautiful.
• 1:07:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's what that's what I say.
• 1:07:26
  SPEAKER_02: So, really quickly, how can people connect with you?
• 1:07:31
  SPEAKER_02: Where are the best spots for them to see what you're working on?
• 1:07:35
  SPEAKER_02: How do you want them to see as you're starting to speak, which I'm super excited for?
• 1:07:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I do have a website.
• 1:07:44
  SPEAKER_00: It is a mouthful, I guess.
• 1:07:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's sovereignseason.com.
• 1:07:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, sovereignseason.com.
• 1:07:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's got my author stuff, it's got some 10x stuff, it's got some some free resources, and then of course I'm on face, I'm on all the socials, and it's Melinda McCarty, or I think it's Melinda McCarty X on Instagram.
• 1:08:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 1:08:03
  SPEAKER_00: Just put Dr.
• 1:08:04
  SPEAKER_00: Melinda McCarty.
• 1:08:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:08:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 1:08:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's the social media stuff.
• 1:08:09
  SPEAKER_00: Just uh Dr.
• 1:08:10
  SPEAKER_00: Melinda McCarty, you'll find me.
• 1:08:13
  SPEAKER_02: Beautiful.
• 1:08:13
  SPEAKER_02: And what are you wanting people?
• 1:08:16
  SPEAKER_02: What's on your what are you called to share with our audience as we're wrapping up?
• 1:08:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, breathe.
• 1:08:27
  SPEAKER_00: You you do it without thinking.
• 1:08:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's the gift of life that you've been given.
• 1:08:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to happen.
• 1:08:36
  SPEAKER_00: Just turning your thoughts toward that and slowing down these force race of a thought cascade going on will change your life.
• 1:08:49
  SPEAKER_00: It'll make you feel younger, it'll make you feel more at peace, and it will make me better for yourself and the people you love.
• 1:09:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if you won't do it for yourself, do it for the people who you love.
• 1:09:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're worth it.
• 1:09:07
  SPEAKER_01: You're worth it.
• 1:09:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I want to.
• 1:09:09
  SPEAKER_01: You are worth it.
• 1:09:10
  SPEAKER_02: Love it.
• 1:09:11
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so I always end with a quick fire around.
• 1:09:15
  SPEAKER_02: So one word or like a sentence.
• 1:09:18
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna put you on the spot.
• 1:09:20
  SPEAKER_02: Are you ready for me though?
• 1:09:21
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 1:09:22
  SPEAKER_02: Quick runaround?
• 1:09:23
  SPEAKER_00: What'd you say?
• 1:09:24
  SPEAKER_02: Quick fire, quick fire.
• 1:09:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, okay, quick fire round.
• 1:09:28
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it's a quick runaround.
• 1:09:29
  SPEAKER_00: I thought, okay, wait a minute.
• 1:09:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sitting here at my desk.
• 1:09:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:09:34
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not gonna start virtually chasing you.
• 1:09:37
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:09:38
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, so favorite song?
• 1:09:43
  SPEAKER_01: I can't make you love me by Bonnie Wright.
• 1:09:47
  SPEAKER_02: Love it.
• 1:09:48
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna listen to that as soon as we get off.
• 1:09:52
  SPEAKER_02: Just because I love to hear what I guess has made my I have a lot of favorite songs, but that's kind of a go-to.
• 1:09:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:10:00
  SPEAKER_01: Favorite movie.
• 1:10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, I was in the film business for a long, long time.
• 1:10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Favorite movie.
• 1:10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I was just gonna tell you.
• 1:10:11
  SPEAKER_00: The Harry Potter series.
• 1:10:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'll watch them every year.
• 1:10:15
  SPEAKER_00: All so it's I have to watch them all.
• 1:10:18
  SPEAKER_00: When I start when I watch them all.
• 1:10:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I read them.
• 1:10:22
  SPEAKER_02: I was a Harry Potter nerd when I was a kid, so I was like, A book that changed your life or nourished your soul.
• 1:10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, the Bible.
• 1:10:33
  SPEAKER_00: And Leserob by Victor Hugo.
• 1:10:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's my very favorite book of all time.
• 1:10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Favorite workout.
• 1:10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Pilates.
• 1:10:43
  SPEAKER_00: At this point, no like Pilates.
• 1:10:46
  SPEAKER_02: Favorite place to travel to.
• 1:10:50
  SPEAKER_02: I need to go.
• 1:10:52
  SPEAKER_01: Best advice you've ever received in a single sentence.
• 1:11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Being a leader, tough decisions are the difference between being a leader and being led.
• 1:11:09
  SPEAKER_00: That sentence changed my life.
• 1:11:11
  SPEAKER_00: John W.
• 1:11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Hyde in the film business when I was Major Life Crossroads.
• 1:11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Tough decisions are the difference between being a leader and being led.
• 1:11:22
  SPEAKER_02: Beautiful.
• 1:11:24
  SPEAKER_02: And lastly, you know the show is all about women.
• 1:11:27
  SPEAKER_02: So what is one thing you want women to stop apologizing for?
• 1:11:39
  SPEAKER_01: Wanting their dream.
• 1:11:45
  SPEAKER_01: Just theirs.
• 1:11:46
  SPEAKER_01: Their meal.
• 1:11:48
  SPEAKER_00: What they want to eat, what they want to watch, what they want to, where they want to sleep.
• 1:11:55
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, don't don't get too used to ordering the chicken nuggets and then and eat the rest of the macaroni and cheese and peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
• 1:12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Savor your life, don't take scraps.
• 1:12:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm saying.
• 1:12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Savor your life, don't take scraps.
• 1:12:13
  SPEAKER_02: That that was very that's true though.
• 1:12:29
  SPEAKER_01: Was that it?
• 1:12:34
  SPEAKER_01: Did I break the equipment?
• 1:12:36
  SPEAKER_01: I think I did it.
• 1:12:39
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's not you.
• 1:12:41
  SPEAKER_02: It was my I told you, my desk likes to just go.
• 1:12:47
  SPEAKER_02: Ah, so for those of you watching the video version, I hope that entered you and honestly, the audio version will have this cut out.
• 1:12:57
  SPEAKER_02: So, anyways.
• 1:12:59
  SPEAKER_02: But Melinda, thank you for the way you showed up in the world, for your honesty, your depth, and your willingness to take and speak into the spaces that so women so many women have learned to silence.
• 1:13:14
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you for reminding us that stillness is not something to earn, but it's something to return to.
• 1:13:21
  SPEAKER_02: And for naming some what so many women have never had the language for.
• 1:13:27
  SPEAKER_02: Your work creates permission not just to rest, but to remember.
• 1:13:30
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm so grateful for the light, the wisdom, and the caring you brought into this conversation today.
• 1:13:36
  SPEAKER_02: So before we close, I want to speak directly to the woman listening.
• 1:13:40
  SPEAKER_02: If this conversation stirred something inside of you, whether it was a grief or a longing you couldn't name, something you've been carrying quietly, or a sense that you're standing at the edge of a new season, there's nothing wrong with you.
• 1:13:54
  SPEAKER_02: You're not late, you're not broken, you're not asking for too much.
• 1:13:58
  SPEAKER_02: For many of us, the pause we are choosing for is the pause our mothers and grandmothers never had the safety to take.
• 1:14:05
  SPEAKER_02: And in that pause, something sacred is happening, not because you're doing more, but because you're finally listening.
• 1:14:12
  SPEAKER_02: And as Melinda reminded us today, stillness is not the absence of life, it is the doorway to it.
• 1:14:18
  SPEAKER_02: So if you can take one breath with me, let your shoulders soften, let your body know it doesn't have to carry everything alone.
• 1:14:29
  SPEAKER_02: This season, whether it feels like an ending, a beginning, or something unnamed matters.
• 1:14:35
  SPEAKER_02: And the way you choose to meet it changes more than just your own life.
• 1:14:40
  SPEAKER_02: So thank you again.
• 1:14:42
  SPEAKER_02: And I so honored if you guys would love to share your feedback, connect with us on the socials, let us know what you thought and if this conversation moved you.
• 1:14:54
  SPEAKER_02: And please like and review.
• 1:14:58
  SPEAKER_02: Like on YouTube, review it on Spotify and all the other platforms.
• 1:15:02
  SPEAKER_02: It helps get this message across.
• 1:15:05
  SPEAKER_02: And until the next episode, that is all for now.
• 1:15:11
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for rising with me today.
• 1:15:13
  SPEAKER_03: If this episode moved you, share it, tag me at Arise with Anita, and make sure to subscribe so you never miss a future activation.
• 1:15:21
  SPEAKER_03: And if you feel cold, leave a quick review.
• 1:15:24
  SPEAKER_03: It helps more women find the space and rise into their power.
• 1:15:28
  SPEAKER_03: Your next level is already waiting.
• 1:15:30
  SPEAKER_03: Now go clean it.
• 1:15:31
  SPEAKER_03: I'll see you in the next episode.