Latest / Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage / Cage Match: The Podcast: The Game. Part I. Welcome to Big Tuna (Fuck you)

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Cage Match: The Podcast: The Game. Part I. Welcome to Big Tuna (Fuck you) · Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage

• 0:01
  Oh, God. Oh, my God. Okay, sweet. Well, uh...
• 0:23
  i guess before we really begin welcome back to
• 0:25
  cage match colon a roundabout way of meeting
• 0:27
  nicholas cage i'm your game master producer peter
• 0:30
  here with my host nick i'm cameron and my co
• 0:36
  -host i don't like this nick john it feels dirty
• 0:41
  doesn't it it does hey i'm not the one who botched
• 0:45
  the order And we're joined by our special guests
• 0:49
  and friends, Alec and Daryl, if you just guys
• 0:52
  want to each say hello real quick. Hey there.
• 0:55
  Hello, everyone. We're back. Familiar voices
• 0:58
  for our long -term listeners, certainly. um so
• 1:02
  yeah today uh kind of a change of pace we're
• 1:04
  playing a tabletop rpg that's going to bring
• 1:06
  the four final nick cage characters together
• 1:09
  for an almost certainly stupid fucking adventure
• 1:11
  um and the system that we're using is and lightly
• 1:15
  adapting is called havoc brigade which is a game
• 1:18
  that you can get for free created by grant howitt
• 1:20
  who does lots of different games and is a pretty
• 1:22
  creative wild fucker um without getting too crunchy
• 1:26
  for the listener uh the way this game kind of
• 1:29
  works The cages are going to attempt to do things
• 1:32
  and I will issue challenge ratings for those
• 1:35
  things. And then we roll dice against each other
• 1:37
  to see how many successes or failures they get.
• 1:40
  And they can augment their roles with additional
• 1:44
  dice by using equipment and skills and things
• 1:46
  that are relevant to their character. Hat tip
• 1:49
  to Sean for pointing me in the direction because
• 1:50
  this game system seems pretty fucking fun. And
• 1:53
  also, I'm a big fan of this designer personally.
• 1:56
  Yeah, it seems like he does a lot of really good
• 1:58
  stuff. And also hat tip to Cage Dancer John for
• 2:02
  giving me his house while I'm recording this,
• 2:05
  because now I just deal with giving it to you.
• 2:07
  I just got it. That's that's the thing about
• 2:10
  the Seattle home. I got like residential. They're
• 2:12
  just giving houses away. It's so cheap here.
• 2:16
  Uh huh. What am I going to do with all these
• 2:18
  houses? so yeah all we had to do was free up
• 2:22
  a couple residences maybe ship a few people down
• 2:25
  south and oh boy talking about sean not not immigrants
• 2:31
  what are your thoughts on 9 -11 everybody go
• 2:37
  around robin I mean, I am one of your few friends
• 2:43
  with Melon and Nick that did get sent down south.
• 2:46
  That's true. That's true. You know from previous
• 2:48
  episodes what my thoughts are on this. I'm just
• 2:52
  waiting for that final call to ice getting through
• 2:55
  on Rico. Oh, man. We're going to get rid of Rico.
• 3:00
  And then I can come back. Yeah. Sorry, we were
• 3:04
  talking about 9 -11. I don't want to detract.
• 3:07
  Yeah, let's get back to the important stuff.
• 3:08
  Back to the subject at hand. I think this is
• 3:10
  my fault. It's a real topic now. I know, I see
• 3:14
  your face and I'm just like, wait. I do. I would
• 3:18
  like to just give one more, just a little shout
• 3:20
  out to Grant Howitt for this game and how I originally
• 3:25
  came across it was through his game Goblin Quest,
• 3:28
  which had an adaption called Sean Bean Quest.
• 3:32
  which was a version of a game I pitched when
• 3:37
  we initially started talking about this. Yeah,
• 3:41
  it led us in the right direction, and I'm glad
• 3:43
  that we got here, because I think that we're
• 3:44
  going to have a lot of stupid fun with it. So
• 3:46
  yeah, let's get to it. We open right before the
• 3:51
  break of a new day in a world that is not our
• 3:54
  own, but feels somewhat extremely familiar. We
• 3:57
  see a glittering city of emerald. and four pulses
• 4:00
  of light leap out from the topmost spire, flashing
• 4:02
  like lightning in a near dark. Then, as the sun
• 4:05
  begins to rise, those beams return, but not to
• 4:08
  the spire. No, they land outside of the Emerald
• 4:11
  City, outside of the small surrounding towns
• 4:14
  and structures, out in a wasteland. Inside of
• 4:17
  those four beams, we see the symbols of vampire
• 4:19
  teeth, legs pantyhose, a fuzzy bunny, and a truffle.
• 4:24
  Our four cages appear in four separate beams
• 4:26
  of light. They come to awareness as they stare
• 4:29
  at various iterations of themselves. I don't
• 4:34
  think I'm in Kansas anymore. Oh, there's a hole
• 4:41
  in my chest. Are you vampires too? Why do you
• 4:49
  have my face? Where is Alpha? I'm fucked. I'm
• 4:58
  so fucked on this. Rob's just going to like stare
• 5:07
  like just into the middle distance. Hi, fellas.
• 5:15
  I don't suppose any of you are friends of Gale.
• 5:20
  Cameron will just take one slow step back and
• 5:23
  look around. This is not Afghanistan. Where are
• 5:33
  we, boys? And again, who are we, y 'all? If I'm
• 5:42
  being honest, I'm a little concerned that y 'all
• 5:44
  look so much like me. I don't see it. No idea.
• 5:54
  I'm the only one of us four who clearly has sex
• 5:57
  with a bat flying around. I believe that to be
• 6:02
  true. Cameron, we'll look around real quick.
• 6:06
  What kind of surroundings? Yeah, okay. So off
• 6:11
  in the far distance, you can see that Emerald
• 6:13
  City that I sort of mentioned. It seems like
• 6:15
  a very high walled castle -ish, you know, thing
• 6:19
  way in the distance. In between that, you can
• 6:23
  see sort of the populations of small towns. Nothing
• 6:28
  looks very big, but you can see lights sort of
• 6:30
  popping on as the day has started. And you find
• 6:33
  that you are on an extremely long, bright yellow
• 6:37
  highway that runs directly through those towns
• 6:40
  to that Emerald City. Point of order. I just
• 6:43
  want to know, at what point are we at with Daryl?
• 6:48
  What is... Where are we at in... In Daryl's decomposition?
• 6:55
  Oh, God. My brain. Peter Lowe. Peter Lowe. Where
• 6:59
  are we at in Peter's transformation slash uptire?
• 7:05
  So we're sort of picking up at the end of Vampire's
• 7:07
  Kiss. Last I checked, there was a steak in my
• 7:11
  chest, and I ate a cockroach, put in some teeth.
• 7:18
  Unseen, and now we're here. Yeah, that is pretty
• 7:21
  much how it went. There was a splorp, I think,
• 7:23
  as you took the steak out, and that was it. Are
• 7:27
  you actively bleeding at the moment? Other Peter,
• 7:35
  am I bleeding? Sure, I think there's some gore
• 7:39
  going on right now. Why not? I think there's
• 7:42
  just a gaping wound in my chest and just spurting
• 7:44
  out blood. I mean, you are, like, still covered
• 7:47
  in blood, right? Like, you did a murder before
• 7:51
  ending up here. I did a lot of horrible things
• 7:53
  before ending up here. Oh, Christ. Oh, Christ,
• 7:58
  where am I? Where am I? Oh, Christ. I'm not dead.
• 8:03
  I'm a vampire. Oh. Oh. god i'm a vampire at this
• 8:10
  point the sun starts to crest over the hill just
• 8:13
  a little bit more i just scurry on the floor
• 8:22
  for any kind of shade yeah so on this highway
• 8:26
  uh you can see that there's just derelict cars
• 8:28
  all over the place uh so that you're able to
• 8:30
  get behind something The tortures of the damned.
• 8:41
  I'm covering my face with my coat. Son, I think
• 8:49
  we need to see to that stomach of yours. Boys,
• 8:54
  we gotta get this man to a hospital. Maybe more
• 8:58
  than one. But... Can you... Help me with him.
• 9:06
  I don't. I don't think there's much to be done
• 9:09
  to help him. It's not entirely clear to me that
• 9:13
  it's safe to approach the man. Kill me. He was
• 9:20
  here from behind the car. I'll just approach
• 9:31
  this. this clearly disturbed individual with
• 9:36
  like jacket out kind of like you would trap a
• 9:38
  raccoon yeah just from maybe like five ten feet
• 9:42
  away try to shoo it over their head shoo shoo
• 9:48
  yeah a little net uh so while you're you're sort
• 9:55
  of trying to wrangle peter um you can if you're
• 9:58
  listening really hard you can hear in the distance
• 10:00
  the sound of uh engines sort of approaching you
• 10:04
  they're still a ways off but there is noise the
• 10:09
  bells toll for me i'm saying this with a jacket
• 10:14
  covered in my head i'm just gonna like stare
• 10:18
  off into fucking neck what uh in the direction
• 10:25
  of the uh the cars the sound of vehicles So,
• 10:31
  Rob, what you can tell is that there's actually
• 10:34
  more than one sound coming from that direction.
• 10:36
  There's sort of a lower rumble, and then what
• 10:40
  seems further off is a higher sound. Lower and
• 10:46
  higher sounds. Ooh, we have all the sounds. Are
• 10:50
  any of these broken down vehicles around us,
• 10:54
  do any of them look like they are close enough
• 10:57
  to working condition so we might be able to...
• 11:00
  Yeah, I mean, you can do a little investigation
• 11:02
  on that. I think I would love to investigate
• 11:05
  that. Yeah, I would be pretty capable of figuring
• 11:08
  out, you know, if something is able to be wired
• 11:12
  or anything like that. So, yeah, tell me what
• 11:15
  you see. What kind of vehicle would catch High's
• 11:18
  eye? Something big enough to put a person in
• 11:23
  the back of like a big old like. 70s sedan looking
• 11:30
  thing yeah i mean there's uh i don't know vehicles
• 11:33
  well enough to play this game very well but there's
• 11:35
  a big ass cadillac and uh there's also an rv
• 11:39
  if you were wanting to go that route oh much
• 11:41
  better rv more separation the further back the
• 11:49
  crazy vampire guy can be the happier i will be
• 11:51
  perfect So, yeah, you see a really bitching mini
• 11:57
  Winnebago that, you know, looks like it's been
• 12:01
  fucked up. It's gotten bashed around because
• 12:02
  it's in the way on this highway. So people have
• 12:04
  just sort of hit it. But I think, you know, there's
• 12:08
  some gas in there and you could probably get
• 12:09
  it going with a couple tries. Oh, yeah. I'm going
• 12:11
  to try to get that thing going. I'm going to
• 12:13
  give you a this will be a zero challenge because
• 12:16
  I don't think it's going to be too hard and you're
• 12:17
  kind of skilled in this way. So if you just want
• 12:19
  to roll a dice and see if you succeed. Just the
• 12:22
  one. Just one. Okay. So four, five, six is a
• 12:26
  success. I mean, he's stealing this, doesn't
• 12:30
  that? Couldn't he like maybe get another dice
• 12:32
  for that? I'm kidnapping the vehicle. I will
• 12:37
  count that. So roll two dice. Thank you, Sean.
• 12:41
  Very, very well thought. I appreciate that because
• 12:44
  only one of those was a success. So. All right,
• 12:49
  so this thing, it sputters to life. You can see
• 12:52
  the gas meter's like, it's a little low, you
• 12:54
  know, it's a guzzler, but you can get this thing
• 12:57
  going. All right, yeah. Get it started up, fellas.
• 13:03
  We want to try and find a hospital. I think this
• 13:06
  might be the best way. Rob will just kind of
• 13:09
  like let himself in, just still not really. trying
• 13:15
  to associate with anyone and just sit in the
• 13:17
  passenger seat nice all right what about cameron
• 13:21
  and uh peter lowe cameron will try to just corral
• 13:26
  and shoot almost pigeon like into the uh into
• 13:31
  the car into the rv perfect yeah okay so the
• 13:35
  four of you are inside of this rv hi i assume
• 13:37
  you're the wheel man oh yeah yeah Okay, so you
• 13:41
  get this thing rolling. The first thing that
• 13:43
  you see is a big sign on the side of the highway
• 13:46
  that says, Big Tuna, fuck you, 20 miles. Charming.
• 13:54
  Does that mean anything to any of you boys? I
• 13:58
  mean, technically, it would mean nothing to any
• 13:59
  of you all, but... Oh, you don't know about the
• 14:04
  big tuna. Is there like a first aid kit or some
• 14:12
  duct tape in this RV? I've got some diapers.
• 14:18
  Yeah, if I can find some tape, I'll tape a diaper
• 14:21
  to Peter's chest wound. Yeah, all right. Yeah,
• 14:27
  you're fine. You don't have to roll for this.
• 14:28
  You do find a roll of tape, I don't know, duct
• 14:31
  tape, something like that, that you can just
• 14:32
  kind of wrap pressure on this fucking wound.
• 14:35
  Yeah, a little field medicine for you. I'm going
• 14:38
  to turn around from the seat to Cam and be like,
• 14:42
  if he gets a little crazy, use this and I'll
• 14:48
  hand him my frying pan. Yes. The classic head
• 14:54
  clanger. I'll keep that in mind. It's quite effective.
• 15:03
  What's the state of... rob at this moment uh
• 15:09
  are you covered in blood no rob this is uh this
• 15:13
  is post the end of the film but uh before before
• 15:17
  new pig so still probably a little bruised up
• 15:20
  but uh as clean as rob gets still like the dirty
• 15:25
  jacket the dirty stained clothes but at the moment
• 15:28
  face is not caked in blood and like the beard
• 15:32
  is clean you're a rustic woodsman yeah sure You've
• 15:38
  got bum gloves, you know, the classics. Anyone
• 15:42
  else here from the Pacific Northwest? I'm from
• 15:49
  hell. I'm from hell. Anybody else awfully worried
• 16:00
  about that guy back there? I'm from Portland.
• 16:04
  I've seen worse. worry doesn't begin to describe
• 16:12
  my situation oh i'm gonna go back there and kind
• 16:16
  of take a look at him and i want to take a look
• 16:19
  at like i mean he's got something in his like
• 16:22
  he's got the the biters i want to like go in
• 16:24
  and like get a closer look at those yeah i mean
• 16:27
  you're you're a man of the world rob you uh know
• 16:30
  exactly that these are fake ass vampire teeth
• 16:36
  I'm just going to slowly chomp my teeth. When
• 16:43
  Rob vacates their seat, Cameron will slide into
• 16:51
  it up front with high. Perfect. This big tuna
• 16:58
  fuck you sign, is it pointing towards a structure
• 17:00
  of any kind? yeah so so big tuna from what you
• 17:04
  can see you know in the distance looks like any
• 17:07
  off the highway kind of small town like it's
• 17:10
  nothing amazing you can see structures it's not
• 17:13
  a you know dust bowl there's stuff there um but
• 17:18
  it insider information is a shithole uh i mean
• 17:28
  I figure we should head that way, look for a
• 17:30
  hospital. What do you think? I don't think a
• 17:34
  stop here is going to improve our friend's situation
• 17:36
  none. But someone might be able to point us in
• 17:42
  the right direction and give us some answers
• 17:45
  about what's going on. So this RV can only go
• 17:49
  about, you know. 50 miles an hour pretty successfully.
• 17:53
  You're also having to weave through these, you
• 17:55
  know, derelict cars across the highway. It's
• 17:57
  not easy, easy driving. There's nothing that's
• 18:00
  actually blocking you. It seems that somebody
• 18:02
  else has done this kind of path before, but nobody's
• 18:05
  actually cleared the highway. And you do hear
• 18:09
  the sound of those motors getting a little closer.
• 18:15
  Just kind of like. Kind of sitting there next
• 18:19
  to Peter, just kind of talking more at Peter
• 18:21
  than to Peter and be like. Mount Hood. Active
• 18:27
  volcano. This is it. This is the end times, baby.
• 18:36
  What? What? What are you talking about, old man?
• 18:48
  I'm going to just reach into my pocket, take
• 18:50
  out that unripe persimmon, just gag him. Perfect.
• 18:56
  So, yeah. Now, Peter, your mouth is very gaped
• 19:00
  open because already the falsies make it like
• 19:02
  kind of that way. And now you have an unripe
• 19:05
  persimmon just crammed in your gob as well. I'll
• 19:15
  make my way back up to the front of the RV and
• 19:19
  just kind of lean over looking at the landscape
• 19:21
  in front of us and just like be like, no. Thought
• 19:28
  the marauding would come slower, but it sounds
• 19:32
  like they're organizing faster than I assumed.
• 19:35
  I thought there'd be more water. So at this point
• 19:39
  you can hear the sound of one motorcycle. very
• 19:43
  rapidly approaching your vehicle. Yeah, lean
• 19:46
  out the window, take a look behind, see who that
• 19:49
  is coming up on us. Now, hi, that's interesting
• 19:52
  that it was you that chose to do that. This is
• 19:54
  a sound that you are quite familiar with. This
• 19:57
  is a sound from your dreams and possibly from
• 20:00
  hell. Oh, no. Back into the seat, cold sweat.
• 20:08
  You see in your side view mirror. the very dirty
• 20:12
  visage of Leonard Smalls. Rapidly approaching.
• 20:20
  This is a man. This is a force of pure destruction.
• 20:24
  He's especially hard on the little things. Try
• 20:28
  to swerve the thing, try and run him off the
• 20:30
  road. He's quite good at avoiding, but let's
• 20:35
  do this. This is actually going to be a challenge
• 20:36
  rating of two for you. I want you to... um roll
• 20:40
  and then if you give me anything that can give
• 20:42
  you bonus roll uh bonus dice on that uh i mean
• 20:48
  it's not that it's not that none of those it
• 20:52
  could just be straight up one against i mean
• 20:55
  it could be like the his his internal struggle
• 20:58
  right one of the drives sure does affect the
• 21:01
  dice Oh, the drive's always, yeah. I mean, everything
• 21:04
  there can affect the dice. Yeah, I mean, Leonard
• 21:06
  Smalls is sort of like a manifestation of the
• 21:09
  darker side of himself in a way, depending on
• 21:12
  your read of the movie. So this is like an aspect
• 21:14
  of him warring with his own worse demons. I dig
• 21:19
  it. Of course. Who doesn't? I'll take it if you
• 21:21
  give it to me. I'll give you that dice. I don't
• 21:24
  give a shit. All right, cool. All right, what'd
• 21:27
  you roll? A four and a two. well that's a failure
• 21:31
  and a failure and i rolled a five so that's a
• 21:34
  success for me so it seems appropriate to fail
• 21:39
  that check of course a success oh i'm sorry so
• 21:44
  it's a one and a one it was a push uh so yeah
• 21:47
  all right so run this through what are you doing
• 21:50
  to kind of get in the way or fuck with him uh
• 21:54
  i'm trying to to weave in front of him so he
• 21:58
  can't like come up okay next to us all right
• 22:02
  you you were successful you kind of blocked him
• 22:04
  out and you end up getting into this sort of
• 22:05
  bottleneck part of the highway where everything
• 22:08
  is just sort of running along the sides and there's
• 22:10
  just an alleyway right in the middle that a vehicle
• 22:13
  can get down um but you do see him right up on
• 22:17
  the back of the side of one of the cars the cars
• 22:20
  on one of the sides and he is still in pursuit
• 22:24
  I don't know if any of you fellas are familiar
• 22:26
  with this man. It's a dangerous man. I thought
• 22:29
  he was dead. I'll take a look back in the main
• 22:36
  cabin of the RV. What have we got that's detachable
• 22:40
  or just generally loose in the back? I mean,
• 22:44
  so like loose stuff that isn't your own equipment.
• 22:48
  There's like. playing cards you could probably
• 22:51
  pull the microwave off of the wall there's uh
• 22:54
  i don't know like dish soap containers and shit
• 22:57
  that would just be generally in an rv in like
• 22:59
  a kitchen pillows blankets i'll start with the
• 23:06
  microwave uh i'll kick open the side door and
• 23:10
  try to throw the microwave to deter this uh motorcyclist
• 23:16
  from hell He seems to be very distressing, and
• 23:20
  I don't think I need to deal with that shit right
• 23:22
  now. This is going to be a two for you as well,
• 23:25
  because that's a pretty challenging thing that
• 23:27
  you're trying to do. I mean, I do have pretty
• 23:32
  next level athleticism. Oh, do you? He can hold
• 23:37
  himself up by his fingertips. Yeah. No, that's
• 23:41
  true. That does come into play. So is that just
• 23:43
  two dice for you? I don't have anything else
• 23:46
  that I think is going to help me on this. Yeah.
• 23:49
  They didn't practice this in prison, you know.
• 23:52
  They should have. I know. So, yeah, two dice.
• 23:57
  Yep. All right. What am I rolling out? Four,
• 24:01
  five, six is success. Double twos. That's not.
• 24:05
  Well, that sucks shit. So describe describe your
• 24:09
  failure. All right. So I. Cameron just like grabs
• 24:14
  the microwave and sort of yanks it off, but ends
• 24:16
  up just getting the door and in a puff, just
• 24:20
  throws it out, frisbees it, just kind of wings
• 24:23
  it off into the distance. So you see Leonard
• 24:28
  Smalls sort of unleash one of his shotguns and
• 24:30
  he levels it directly at you. I duck back in
• 24:34
  and lay down. So he's going to take a shot at
• 24:37
  you. Let's roll just a one against one. well
• 24:42
  i rolled a one and i rolled a six so you you
• 24:47
  take some uh some shot in your leg um you got
• 24:52
  you got pretty well out of the way but this dude
• 24:54
  is is coming up fast you know he's he's riding
• 24:57
  the waves of these cars but he's he's nearing
• 24:59
  you all is uh is there like a small like midi
• 25:04
  fridge like under a counter or something yeah
• 25:07
  fuck it why not I'm going to run back there and
• 25:11
  just try and yank that thing out and just shove
• 25:14
  it through the door. All right, we'll do the
• 25:17
  same thing. We'll do two dice for that, too.
• 25:23
  I got cooking. I know my way around a kitchen.
• 25:28
  I know kitchen appliances. I'll give it to you.
• 25:32
  That's stupid as fuck, but we'll do it. I rolled
• 25:38
  pretty well. Got a four and a two. I got a five
• 25:45
  and a five. So explain your failure. I get the
• 25:48
  I get the. um refrigerator like out and i shove
• 25:53
  it to the door but it does not fit through the
• 25:55
  door so now the door is now it's blocked and
• 25:57
  we're kind of stuck now we're stuck in the rv
• 25:59
  okay so this is perfect so leonard smalls actually
• 26:03
  has now gained in front of you guys and he jumps
• 26:05
  back into the main channel and you see him pull
• 26:09
  the pin on a grenade and chuck it back and he
• 26:13
  zips forward he chucked it back like into the
• 26:16
  road in our path correct And do I think there's
• 26:21
  time to stop before we get to the grenade? You
• 26:24
  tell me. No, there's probably not. I just swerve
• 26:31
  off the road, out of the path, away from thee.
• 26:33
  Perfect. Okay, so you kind of careen into these
• 26:36
  cars on the side. You're smashing them around.
• 26:38
  The RV's sort of like skittering all over the
• 26:40
  place. But you do stop. arguably before the grenade
• 26:46
  is going to do grievous damage, but it does go
• 26:48
  off, and it is going to disable your RV. So now
• 26:54
  you are marooned on the side of the highway,
• 26:57
  and you can see in the distance Leonard Smalls
• 26:59
  sort of rotating his way back around. Does anybody
• 27:02
  hurt back there? Raising my hand. Pop the persimmon
• 27:11
  out. Does anyone else hurt? The teeth, the teeth
• 27:17
  still on it. You've defanged me. You've defanged
• 27:22
  me. I took a couple pellets here, but I'm going
• 27:29
  to be okay. What's the situation here? What do
• 27:33
  we got going? Well, first, you should wrap some
• 27:35
  huggies around that wound. Secondly, I don't
• 27:41
  know how we're going to get away from this. Insane
• 27:44
  man on the motorcycle. You two know each other?
• 27:50
  Uh... I wouldn't say I know him, but I've run
• 27:53
  into him before. Not so much a man as a force
• 27:57
  of evil and destruction. I've also met food critics.
• 28:05
  Let me... Let me take that frying pan if you
• 28:10
  still got that handy there. i'll slide out over
• 28:15
  the uh the fridge i'd like to kind of keep some
• 28:19
  cars between me and uh leonard there our motorcyclist
• 28:23
  yep and and sort of like sneak up behind as they
• 28:27
  approach yeah okay that that works um i feel
• 28:32
  good about that you know he's got kind of blood
• 28:34
  thirst going on um i want you to just roll me
• 28:38
  a zero roll uh difficulty just a straight up
• 28:41
  to get yourself and if you have a bonus on that
• 28:43
  that's fine but um just let me know i rolled
• 28:48
  a six beautiful you are exactly where you want
• 28:51
  to be i'll lay out a little trap for when leonard
• 28:56
  comes by perfect so let's paint this picture
• 28:59
  so leonard is streaming down the highway straight
• 29:01
  for you guys um three of you are in the vehicle
• 29:05
  he thinks all four are he's gonna probably have
• 29:09
  both of his shotguns out and kind of on the handlebars
• 29:13
  of his bike, and he's going to start peppering
• 29:15
  the vehicle as he approaches. I need to search
• 29:22
  the RV to see if there are any bullets that will
• 29:25
  fit my unloaded gun. Okay, this isn't really
• 29:33
  how the system works, but we're just going to
• 29:36
  roll it. We're going to roll the dice for that.
• 29:38
  If you get a success... You're going to find
• 29:40
  some bullets. That's a four. That's a success.
• 29:45
  You get some whatever caliber bullets go in a
• 29:49
  gun. Someone else can tell me in the comments
• 29:52
  what guns use what. I mean, it's going to take
• 29:56
  me a while to find them and load them. So whatever
• 29:59
  else is happening is happening. You're in the
• 30:01
  process. The RV is starting to get peppered by
• 30:04
  these shotgun blasts. Rob, Peter, what are you
• 30:07
  guys doing? I'm gonna sit up like a vampire from
• 30:12
  a casket. Helena? Helena, where am I? I am your
• 30:21
  loyal servant. Is this purgatory? Is this hell?
• 30:27
  Do you mean Rachel? Yes, I'm very confused. I
• 30:31
  was watching Severance last night. you bitch
• 30:41
  they're all the same to me i'm just i'm gonna
• 30:46
  sort of walk to the door and then just covered
• 30:50
  in blood just like look out that this bike are
• 30:52
  going past yeah are you a vampire he just flips
• 30:57
  you the bird as he goes by well fuck you once
• 31:05
  uh once i've got a clear jump on leonard i'd
• 31:09
  like to stuff the frying pan in the shirt in
• 31:13
  like a semblance of body armor sure yeah and
• 31:17
  i would like to jump out with uh my string to
• 31:22
  try to garrotte and pull him down i got it yeah
• 31:26
  uh explain explain your string to everyone else
• 31:28
  because they haven't seen your character sheet
• 31:30
  oh uh well so it's been a few years since the
• 31:34
  events of con air and uh Casey has been teaching
• 31:39
  me cat's cradle. So I've been practicing while
• 31:43
  on my current redeployment to Afghanistan. Yes.
• 31:48
  Cause it's the events right after the alleged
• 31:50
  nine 11. And I've been hunting Osama bin Laden
• 31:54
  with my Rangers unit, but I'm still learning
• 31:58
  new things like cat's cradle. Stay connected
• 32:02
  to your children. I understand. Yeah. Yeah. okay
• 32:06
  so i'm gonna give this is a three this is a three
• 32:09
  dude um okay for sure uh so wait now i'm real
• 32:15
  dense explain to me again is this like taking
• 32:19
  three off of my roll or no no no so i'm gonna
• 32:23
  i'm gonna roll three dice against you so oh okay
• 32:26
  for you to do a base action is a dice for you
• 32:29
  to use equipment which you are is another dice
• 32:31
  if you're doing something that is per your drive
• 32:34
  or your skills that's an additional dice so that
• 32:37
  you can get up to four dice okay so like with
• 32:40
  my string and my extreme athleticism uh i'm rolling
• 32:46
  three dice yeah also quick point of order uh
• 32:50
  whenever peter gives uh a difficulty level uh
• 32:53
  you should put that number of dice aside for
• 32:55
  when you cage out later oh that's true yeah i'm
• 32:57
  sorry i should have mentioned that earlier so
• 33:00
  you have a pool of all the just a crazy difficult
• 33:04
  thing that's why that's why we all have like
• 33:06
  30 dice oh so i'm supposed to keep track of all
• 33:09
  of these difficulties yeah you can no one told
• 33:12
  me there was homework involved yeah you can you
• 33:16
  can use your character sheet you could just put
• 33:18
  a note in your character sheet if you want but
• 33:20
  yeah so when you cage out later you just roll
• 33:23
  all the dice that you have set aside everything
• 33:24
  yep perfect okay well then let me do Let me roll
• 33:32
  this real quick. My three dice jumping out. Yeah.
• 33:36
  I have two successes, a four and a five. You
• 33:40
  succeed. Yeah. So play it out. Explain exactly
• 33:44
  what you do and what it looks like. So as Leonard
• 33:47
  like rolls past on their motorcycle. Gives the
• 33:51
  finger. Yep. Gives the finger. Cameron will have
• 33:54
  been crouching back like behind a. like a Prius
• 33:59
  or something on the side of the road. And I will,
• 34:02
  camera will like jump out and rebound off of
• 34:06
  the bumper of the car behind them, just extending
• 34:10
  up and just catch them with the, uh, with the
• 34:14
  yarn garage and just drag them off the bike into
• 34:18
  now quite the dirty tussle in the streets, but
• 34:22
  take it off their butt. Nope, that's good. You
• 34:26
  did some grievous harm with that, too. I mean,
• 34:29
  he was going pretty quick as you leapt on him.
• 34:34
  So Leonard is surprised and a little damaged,
• 34:37
  but you are on the ground in mortal combat now.
• 34:41
  Not mortal combat with a bat. Sorry, Peter. Well,
• 34:47
  now that's a rude way of saying hello. um he's
• 34:53
  going to sort of jam his elbows back into your
• 34:56
  body and do do a little bit of damage to you
• 34:59
  too plus you know you got kind of slung around
• 35:01
  so you're you're a little dinged up at this point
• 35:03
  but you're still i mean you're fucking you're
• 35:05
  motherfucking cameron poe that's right uh what
• 35:09
  is everyone else doing at this point uh i'm gonna
• 35:12
  just like kick out the back window window on
• 35:15
  the winnebago and like climb out like kind of
• 35:18
  like straighten my jacket and just kind of watching
• 35:21
  these two tussle and just like look at leonard
• 35:24
  smalls be like what's going on with you dude
• 35:28
  like what is this what what are you running from
• 35:35
  what did you what did you want to be like what
• 35:41
  what made you this why are we here You can see
• 35:46
  him as he's originally struggling and just jamming
• 35:49
  his elbows. He's sort of slowing and they're
• 35:51
  getting softer and weaker. He's looking at you
• 35:53
  and a single tear rolls down his cheek. And you
• 35:58
  have his attention. You seem hurt. I get that.
• 36:07
  There's got to be something. I was an orphan
• 36:09
  abandoned by my parents. That's a shame. That's
• 36:16
  why I carry these baby shoes. Well, that's very
• 36:21
  specific. I learned it from someone else. I feel
• 36:29
  like High breaks out of the Winnebago with the
• 36:31
  gun just in time to hear this, and it stops him
• 36:34
  dead in his tracks. Fair enough, yeah. So when
• 36:40
  you were that child alone, wanting parents what
• 36:46
  this is what you wanted to be this is what you
• 36:49
  wanted to make of yourself well i wanted to be
• 36:55
  successful and powerful and that's that's this
• 37:00
  that's what this looks like to you it picking
• 37:05
  on what i understand to be the small things the
• 37:09
  things that can't harm you it used to What about
• 37:14
  now? Not so much. I'll sort of ease up on the
• 37:22
  garage malls. Thank you, brother. I don't understand
• 37:33
  your history with this one in the shirt here,
• 37:37
  but seems like you two have have a bit of a history
• 37:44
  and a past and I don't know. Maybe it's time
• 37:48
  to let it go. I mean, he took a baby that I also
• 37:51
  wanted to take and that's unforgivable. Just
• 37:58
  going to raise my hands and turn around and be
• 37:59
  like, no, this is above my pay grade. I'm going
• 38:06
  to take my fake teeth from the persimmon, put
• 38:08
  them back in, sort of slink out of the RV, and,
• 38:12
  like, nose -feratu my way to this, like, bound
• 38:15
  biker. Yes. Yes, and? Tell me more. You're just
• 38:27
  going to hear it getting close, like... Ah, yes.
• 38:36
  Fresh meat delivered from the grave. I know that
• 38:40
  sounds disgusting, but don't worry about it.
• 38:44
  I'm just going to look at his exposed neck and
• 38:47
  just rear my head back, open my mouth, and just
• 38:50
  slowly make my way just to take a bite out of
• 38:53
  his neck. All up. Cameron will stop you there.
• 39:01
  All right now, but... That's not how we treat
• 39:06
  people. Are you doing the literal thing that
• 39:10
  you do with someone who's smaller than you where
• 39:12
  you're just holding them at arm's length? Yeah,
• 39:14
  just holding Peter back. I don't feel a whole
• 39:19
  lot of threat here, but... Just biting the whole
• 39:25
  time. Alright, so Cameron, what are you trying
• 39:32
  to do here? I forgot who I was. Yeah, yeah, clearly.
• 39:41
  I'm Nick. It's been Chick the whole time. Boys,
• 39:52
  I think we got a lot to get through here, but
• 39:54
  the crazy ones still might die. I don't really
• 39:59
  want that on my conscience. And this gentleman,
• 40:04
  well, I think he just needs therapy. But are
• 40:13
  we just going to stand about here? Yeah, that's
• 40:21
  actually a good point. So you can see, I mean,
• 40:23
  this chase took a little bit of time. You were
• 40:25
  only about 20 miles from Big Tuna. Still more
• 40:27
  vehicles coming, right? There's still more vehicles,
• 40:30
  and you're probably only about two miles out
• 40:35
  from Big Tuna at this point. Rob's going to start
• 40:39
  walking. Yeah. I got to go up and ask Smalls
• 40:45
  why he's chasing us. He says, if it weren't for
• 40:51
  that weird dirty one, I wouldn't have said nothing
• 40:54
  to you. Ain't supposed to be no cages out here.
• 41:01
  What's a cage? Oh. Oh. You fool. Well, now that
• 41:12
  just ain't polite. I'm going to look around for
• 41:17
  any enclosures. Any enclosures? Cages. Cages.
• 41:24
  Oh. Yeah. You see vehicles. Son, I don't know
• 41:32
  who's telling you what, but there ain't no cages
• 41:36
  out here. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. And Smalls just kind
• 41:40
  of picks himself up. He says, I'll see y 'all
• 41:43
  boys down the road. He just takes off. Yeah,
• 41:49
  he starts going. He's going to pick up his bike.
• 41:52
  And you hear it start up and he boogies on out
• 41:57
  of there. You take his shotguns? Yes. But he
• 42:03
  left one grenade. No. No. I'm just going to look
• 42:09
  at Cameron like, you prevented me from my first
• 42:13
  meal as a vampire. And now I'm hungry. Whose
• 42:18
  blood will I eat in this arid wasteland? Alva's?
• 42:24
  I don't see Alva anywhere. Well, I don't know,
• 42:30
  but I'm sure there's a Waffle House around the
• 42:32
  corner. I'll just sort of turn your shoulders
• 42:36
  and guide you towards Big Tuna. So that's perfect.
• 42:42
  Yeah, the four of you, I assume, now are marching
• 42:44
  down the highway towards Big Tuna. You know,
• 42:46
  it's two miles away. It's not that far. The day
• 42:50
  is bright. Peter, I'm sure you are bitching about
• 42:52
  that. What with being damned and hating the sun.
• 42:56
  But generally, it's a pretty pleasant day. But
• 43:00
  about... Go ahead. Since we're all... I'm assuming
• 43:04
  the three of them catch up to me eventually.
• 43:06
  And since we're all walking for two miles...
• 43:10
  I think Rob would eventually break the silence
• 43:11
  and just kind of turn to Cameron and be like,
• 43:13
  Rob. Cameron Poe, pleasure to meet you. Going
• 43:21
  to look over at High. Oh, y 'all can call me
• 43:24
  High. Name's H .I., H .I. McDonough. As I'm unloading
• 43:29
  the gun again. Nice. And just going to take a
• 43:35
  look at Peter and... Just immediately, like,
• 43:40
  turn back to walking. Aren't you going to ask
• 43:46
  me by name? Your name? I'm a vampire. And I just
• 43:55
  start running away towards Big Tuna. I'm a vampire!
• 43:58
  I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire! I imagine he'll
• 44:04
  tire soon. We'll catch him. I really don't feel
• 44:08
  any need to chase him. Anyone else here worried
• 44:13
  about that? It seems to be something we should
• 44:18
  be concerned about, but I think it might be the
• 44:22
  least of our problems. I've got a great deal
• 44:25
  to worry about right now. Like, where are we?
• 44:29
  So it's at this point that... other engine that
• 44:33
  you've heard for a little while has finally caught
• 44:35
  up to you um you haven't walked that far so it
• 44:37
  hasn't been that long but uh you see a really
• 44:42
  nice big ass car kind of roll slowly up to you
• 44:47
  and it's uh driven by one man and in the passenger
• 44:51
  seat is another man with little tiny disgusting
• 44:54
  teeth and a pencil mustache named bobby peru
• 44:57
  and he turns and says how y 'all doing Well,
• 45:06
  we just out here on a stroll. Nah, a Bobby Peru
• 45:12
  knows when a man's on a stroll. I reckon you
• 45:17
  do. We're headed to Big Tuna here. And this is
• 45:26
  when the driver leans over and you see that it
• 45:28
  is also Bobby Peru. And he says, a Big Tuna?
• 45:32
  Well, that's where we're headed. Well, getting
• 45:37
  a lift would be a lot better than walking, fellas.
• 45:41
  Well, hop on in, boys. Just the three of you?
• 45:47
  I reckon so. Rob's just going to point in the
• 45:54
  distance at the figure, like, loping down the
• 45:58
  street. To be perfectly frank, there is one more
• 46:01
  with us, but we're not entirely sure of his mental
• 46:04
  state. Now, that's all right. I'm sure the only
• 46:08
  thing coming up is is big tuna. So I'm sure your
• 46:13
  gentleman friend will pop over there. I'm going
• 46:18
  to look around at the horizon and be like. So.
• 46:29
  Seems fairly landlocked here. What is. Where's
• 46:34
  Big Tuna get its name? What's it known for? Because
• 46:39
  I can't imagine it's the fresh fish. Forgive
• 46:43
  the rudeness, but it's pussy, my friend. Big
• 46:52
  Tuna's all about filming Texas -style pornos.
• 46:58
  Well, there's a place for everything, I suppose.
• 47:05
  Let's get on down that road. Somewhere in the
• 47:11
  distance, Pete and Lousy break up. Okay, so the
• 47:17
  three of you are going to hop in Bobby Peru and
• 47:19
  Bobby Peru's car. Sorry, let me rephrase. Bobby's
• 47:23
  Peru. The visual of two sets of those teeth is
• 47:29
  too unsettling. What's really unsettling is that
• 47:34
  when they both do that thing where they lick
• 47:36
  their teeth, they do it at the exact same time.
• 47:40
  That is so, so moist. All right. So you're riding
• 47:46
  in the car with the Bobby's Peru and they kind
• 47:50
  of zip along and they pull up to Peter Lowe and
• 47:55
  sort of ride slowly next to him and turn and
• 48:00
  just look. I just like turned to them with my
• 48:04
  hands by my face, like a dried beard of blood
• 48:07
  just down from my nose, dragging along this piece
• 48:11
  of pallet behind me. Yes. They drive on. So the
• 48:22
  car goes into the distance to towards Big Tuna
• 48:26
  and Peter. You're on the way. I'll stop him after
• 48:31
  like 50 yards. You look in the rearview mirror
• 48:35
  and just see me like flopping my arms like a
• 48:37
  bat running after the car. Yeah, okay, so they
• 48:41
  do stop the car. Don't seem right. You're like,
• 48:44
  the man is in need of medical attention. Now,
• 48:47
  they do pop the trunk for you to climb into.
• 48:50
  Which is a blessing. Save you from the sun. I
• 48:54
  scurry him without a word. Yeah. OK, so we've
• 49:00
  got everyone's in the car and you all arrive
• 49:04
  in Big Tuna. And it's you know, it's a small
• 49:07
  town. There's some shit going on here, but it's
• 49:09
  nothing too major. There is probably a hospital,
• 49:12
  but it's probably pretty crappy. But Bobby Peru's
• 49:16
  Bobby's Peru take you to just like a motel out
• 49:20
  of town. And that's where they park and they
• 49:22
  kind of unload everybody and sort of point you
• 49:25
  towards a main middle area. of the motel campus.
• 49:33
  Is there a doctor in this town? Oh, sure, yeah.
• 49:37
  We got plenty of doctors, but I don't think doctrine's
• 49:40
  what that boy needs. He's gonna look at his,
• 49:45
  like, bloody chest wound. Well, no. With diapers
• 49:50
  strapped across it. I will say as a parent, diapers
• 49:54
  take a lot of liquid. So. All right. So you all
• 50:01
  are in big tuna with Bobby's Peru and they bring
• 50:04
  you to this table kind of in the middle. Just
• 50:06
  open. You can see people around. They're making
• 50:08
  hot pornos everywhere. A lot of big ladies. You
• 50:11
  know, it is what it is. It's Texas style. And
• 50:15
  out of a couple other motel rooms comes six more
• 50:19
  Bobby Peru's. And they all sit at the table with
• 50:22
  the four of you. And all at once, they lick their
• 50:28
  lips. God, that's unsettling. And you all take
• 50:33
  one damage from it. I dislike this a lot. Can
• 50:41
  I, with my vampire teeth, just lick in response?
• 50:45
  Oh, absolutely. But unfortunately, it kind of
• 50:49
  horns them up a little bit. These are Bobby Perus,
• 50:55
  after all. I'm just going to look around at all
• 50:58
  the big ladies and... You could be my new Sharon.
• 51:05
  I think I could enjoy the big tuna. Again, do
• 51:11
  you mean Rachel? Well, at the end, he's set up
• 51:15
  with like the... Oh, that's right. Right. I'm
• 51:17
  sorry. Question me one more time, Mr. DM. We'll
• 51:22
  one -on -one questioning each other. I deserve
• 51:26
  that one. Yeah, right. Fuck. Do I know anything?
• 51:29
  Oh, I rolled a five and a six, so yes. At this
• 51:35
  point, I just have to assume I've had a stroke
• 51:39
  or some type of massive brain hemorrhage. Well,
• 51:42
  especially because as the Bobby Perus kind of
• 51:45
  settle down, they each sort of cross their legs,
• 51:47
  but they do it sequentially. So it's just around
• 51:49
  the table like the wave. Yeah, exactly. So it's
• 51:54
  like a chorus line. It's a chorus line of Bobby's
• 51:57
  Peru just doing gross, weird, unsettling shit.
• 52:00
  And they all lean in at the same time and they
• 52:03
  all in the same fucking voice say, you want to
• 52:06
  do some crime? Yes. Boys, I think you got the
• 52:17
  wrong impression. We're just passing through.
• 52:21
  But I do need to know what is going on here.
• 52:30
  Well, be a little more specific, son. I see eight
• 52:36
  of y 'all. Oh, yeah. Bobos and Bobby Perus are
• 52:41
  easy to pull into this world. Never heard of
• 52:49
  a Bobo? I got a baby -o, but I'll just pull out
• 52:56
  my photo of baby -o. Handsome feller. Never seen
• 53:01
  him. You just keep that on you? Yes. Keep that
• 53:05
  in your wallet. I trust Baby -O with my life.
• 53:11
  He's one of three men I trust. Just imagine your
• 53:14
  wallet has one of those like fold -out things.
• 53:16
  It's like one picture of your child and like
• 53:18
  six pictures of Baby -O. Baby -O and I went through
• 53:23
  a lot together. It just seems right that I carry
• 53:26
  him in my heart. I pull out my wallet and it
• 53:30
  just like drops down to a picture of the Hetherton
• 53:32
  contract. Have you seen this? Eight individual
• 53:40
  tears roll down Bobby Peru's cheeks. Rob will
• 53:45
  just pull out from his pocket just like wads
• 53:49
  of like just kind of receipts that have been
• 53:52
  there since like before he left Portland the
• 53:55
  first time that are just kind of deteriorating
• 53:57
  and falling apart and just like drop those on
• 53:58
  the table. You never know if you need those for
• 54:01
  tax time. What if you got audited? I'm absolutely
• 54:06
  not really paying attention to this conversation
• 54:08
  because I'm looking for a copy of jugs magazine.
• 54:12
  Oh, believe me. Hi there. That's like coffee
• 54:16
  table magazine. This is everywhere. I am collecting
• 54:19
  copies of jugs magazine. Add many copies of jugs
• 54:23
  magazine to your inventory. Wonderful. I'm going
• 54:29
  to just lean to like the closest Peru to me and
• 54:31
  just sort of whisper in their ear. You could
• 54:36
  choose a pair of teeth like mine and become a
• 54:39
  real vampire. I've done many crimes. And then
• 54:45
  I just pull out from my pocket at a capitated
• 54:47
  pigeon. You like that? This one fucking does.
• 54:53
  Peter Lowe, this one loves that. And actually,
• 54:55
  for the remainder of the next couple minutes,
• 54:58
  the two of you just go like at each other. It's
• 55:03
  a teeth off. It's a teeth off. Some are big,
• 55:07
  some are very small and weird. So are you all
• 55:12
  brothers? No, we're all Bobby Peru. I don't understand
• 55:19
  what you're not understanding here. Is this like
• 55:23
  a George Foreman situation? Your dad named you
• 55:27
  all the same thing? George Foreman, rest in peace.
• 55:31
  Is George Foreman dead? Yeah, just recently.
• 55:34
  Just recently. The past few days, yeah. Wow.
• 55:36
  Yeah. I've got to get my grill out. Cage match
• 55:40
  is where Sean gets all of his fucking news. All
• 55:45
  the world news for Sean comes from cage match.
• 55:48
  What are you talking about? Who's dead? They're
• 55:52
  cremating George for one that they're going to
• 55:54
  try to catch all the grease. It'll be a good
• 55:59
  panini, but you know. As we know, the best sandwich,
• 56:04
  right? Clearly, yeah. So, no, they seem actually
• 56:11
  kind of puzzled by your confusion in this situation.
• 56:16
  And the Bobby Perus are sort of looking at each
• 56:18
  other. This is normal for you. Yeah, this is
• 56:26
  a standard day in Big Tuna. Well, now, listen,
• 56:30
  fellas. I've never heard of Big Tuna. I don't
• 56:34
  know where we are. But if you could just point
• 56:37
  me the way back to Arizona, I'd be perfectly
• 56:39
  happy to be on my way. Oh, we don't have Arizona.
• 56:42
  We got a Red Rock. But that's not for you. There's
• 56:46
  no Arizona. Huh. Why would we need an Arizona?
• 56:52
  Utah? Nobody needs a Utah. Do y 'all have a Seattle?
• 57:02
  Fuck Seattle. Fuck Seattle. I'm just going to
• 57:06
  turn my attention from the one Peru I'm chattering
• 57:08
  teeth with. Listen, as a literary agent, I think
• 57:12
  I know what's going on here. I'm a vampire. This
• 57:17
  disgusting man, there's eight of him. And did
• 57:21
  you see all that? This is classic story. I publish
• 57:26
  these all the time. We're in a fantasy world
• 57:29
  where I could exist and you could exist. And
• 57:33
  I just point to the same Peru and you and you
• 57:36
  and you. I turned into a bat earlier. Did you
• 57:41
  see that? Did anyone see what I turned into a
• 57:44
  bat? The driving Bobby Peru is like. Yeah, we
• 57:48
  saw something. We saw. It's the limit of imagination.
• 57:53
  This is fantasy land. This is where the contract
• 57:57
  takes us. Don't you see? Oh, this is where Rachel
• 58:03
  wanted me to be, yes. My wound is still spurting
• 58:07
  slightly on the table and back on the decapitated
• 58:09
  vision. Gross. Does anyone else think that perhaps
• 58:17
  we should get this man to a doctor? I'm still
• 58:22
  not sure a doctor will fix this, but. I need
• 58:28
  my psychiatrist. Eight Bobby Perus look over
• 58:32
  at Peter Lowe and then look back sort of to all
• 58:37
  of you and say, you help us out. We can help
• 58:40
  your friend out. What kind of help do you need?
• 58:46
  Yes. Oh, very above board. And they wink at Cameron.
• 58:52
  Definitely not an illegal operation. Wink. Why
• 58:58
  did you say wink out loud? Because I'm a Bobby
• 59:02
  Peru. Well, the jury rests. Subtlety is not my
• 59:07
  specialty. And what is your specialty exactly?
• 59:13
  Mainly robbing hayseeds. Well, gentlemen, we're
• 59:20
  not sure a bank robbery would be the best. No
• 59:29
  one here is an experienced bank robber. Anyways,
• 59:33
  we just need to look around at our Companions,
• 59:38
  clearly no bank robbers in this bunch. Uh, hi?
• 59:44
  No? I've never robbed a bank. It would probably
• 59:51
  hold you back if we joined you. We should just
• 59:55
  be on our way. Fair enough, if that's what y
• 1:00:00
  'all decide. I think, why don't you head over,
• 1:00:03
  see, check out the hospital. And I'll be right
• 1:00:07
  behind you as scooch up to one of the Bobby Perus
• 1:00:10
  and say, now tell me more about this job. This
• 1:00:16
  Bobby Peru is kind of whispering to high on the
• 1:00:18
  side. Dead simple job. Hayseed Bank. Unprotected
• 1:00:22
  for the most part. You got a couple old timey
• 1:00:25
  tellers. You get in there, you get out real quick
• 1:00:28
  and easy. There's some cash. There's some treasure.
• 1:00:31
  All sorts of shit is in a safe. Who even knows?
• 1:00:35
  And if we help you out with this, you help us
• 1:00:37
  out? Absolutely. It can send you right on from
• 1:00:40
  Big Tuna straight to the Emerald City. Dude,
• 1:00:43
  can you help me get back to home? Uh, that's
• 1:00:48
  a concept I don't fully understand for you. But
• 1:00:52
  you understood when I said where Arizona was.
• 1:00:54
  You said there wasn't any Arizona here. We know
• 1:00:56
  we don't got an Arizona. But you don't know how
• 1:00:59
  to get to an Arizona that you don't have. Now
• 1:01:03
  that's a complicated question for a Bobby Peru.
• 1:01:11
  Rob wants to go. He's going to like, just kind
• 1:01:13
  of stand up and like make his way over to the
• 1:01:17
  motel office or anything and just start kind
• 1:01:19
  of looking for coffee maker, George Foreman grill,
• 1:01:23
  like any, any, any cheap cooking accoutrement.
• 1:01:28
  Yeah. Okay. So you a hundred percent, there's
• 1:01:31
  a Mr. Coffee, like, Super, like, 70s piece of
• 1:01:35
  shit Mr. Coffee. It works, like, still good.
• 1:01:41
  Is the coffee in it fresh? Yeah, it's Folger's
• 1:01:45
  best. Just gonna take the pot and just drink
• 1:01:50
  from it. Your wounds are healed. As I'm looking
• 1:01:53
  around, just looking around the office. Yeah,
• 1:01:57
  other than that, I mean, it's gonna be kind of
• 1:02:00
  the... continental breakfast that you would expect
• 1:02:04
  from a place called big fucking tuna uh it is
• 1:02:08
  very old stale bagels and like you know peel
• 1:02:13
  the cream cheese cup and that's about it and
• 1:02:15
  some like plastic knives fill in my pockets you
• 1:02:19
  got it uh put miscellaneous bagels cream cheese
• 1:02:22
  and knives into your inventory please i'll roll
• 1:02:29
  a cameron will roll up here and Pour out a couple
• 1:02:32
  cups of coffee. Smart. It strikes me as odd that
• 1:02:40
  there are eight of them and four of us that look
• 1:02:49
  like me. I just don't understand what's going
• 1:02:54
  on, but I need to be getting home. Nobody seems
• 1:02:58
  to be helping us here. You have any idea what's
• 1:03:03
  happening? I'll drink a cup of coffee. I feel
• 1:03:10
  like we're just passing the pot back and forth
• 1:03:13
  to each other. As I can tell, I've had a massive
• 1:03:18
  stroke. I'm on the floor of my cabin waiting
• 1:03:22
  to die. The heat death of the brain. Only thing
• 1:03:25
  that makes sense to me. But since we're here,
• 1:03:32
  I don't quite trust that those Mr. Perus have
• 1:03:40
  our best intentions in mind. I have been in the
• 1:03:48
  company of many a Bobby Peru in my life. And
• 1:03:53
  I do not think they have our best intentions
• 1:03:56
  at heart. You are correct. Ah, hmm. Did you,
• 1:04:04
  uh, you happen to spot a police station or, like,
• 1:04:10
  some type of authority figures, like, office
• 1:04:20
  on the way into town? I didn't see anything.
• 1:04:28
  Nothing that's gonna help us here. What about
• 1:04:34
  a post office? I'm assuming Big Tuna has a post
• 1:04:39
  office. Yeah, sure. Absolutely. How far how far
• 1:04:44
  away is the post office? I mean, Big Tuna is
• 1:04:46
  actually pretty small. I mean, we're talking
• 1:04:48
  it's a three stoplight, three stoplight kind
• 1:04:52
  of town. You know, there's not a lot going on
• 1:04:54
  here. Just going to take going to take the pot
• 1:04:58
  of coffee and just wander over to the post office
• 1:05:01
  real quick. All right. Cameron, are you going
• 1:05:03
  with? No, I'll bring the other cup of coffee
• 1:05:06
  back to Peter. Perfect. I think they need something
• 1:05:11
  to shake them loose. Yeah, Peter, you were about
• 1:05:13
  to start something. Before you head out, I hand
• 1:05:16
  you, like, a pocket bagel. I'll look at the state
• 1:05:21
  of your hands, look at the bagel, and just kind
• 1:05:23
  of nod. Peter, you were about to do something.
• 1:05:29
  I'll certainly take any bagels that are given
• 1:05:32
  my way. Then with sort of the bagel in hand,
• 1:05:35
  I'm just going to look around on the floor on
• 1:05:37
  hands and knees for any bugs and cockroaches
• 1:05:40
  to put in the bagel. Yeah, there's like pill
• 1:05:44
  bugs and shit. I don't know. You can find some
• 1:05:46
  stuff. It's an everything bagel. Then I'm going
• 1:05:51
  to cram in a nice bagel, a bug bagel. And I'm
• 1:05:55
  just going to start biting into that still with
• 1:05:57
  the fake teeth. They keep getting stuck in the
• 1:05:59
  bagel. I keep putting them back in. Now, hi,
• 1:06:06
  this whole time, you've got a Bobby Peru basically
• 1:06:08
  in your ear just talking about all the treasures
• 1:06:11
  and successes that are in that vault. Everything
• 1:06:14
  you could ever dream of. All you got to do is
• 1:06:16
  this one score, son. Yeah, I'm trying to get
• 1:06:20
  him to tell me, asking him about, like, what
• 1:06:23
  is at the Emerald City? Why would it help us
• 1:06:26
  to get there? Well, the wizard. Wizard? Yeah,
• 1:06:34
  son. Now, might the wizard... Did I stutter?
• 1:06:39
  Bobby Peru doesn't stutter. Might the wizard
• 1:06:42
  be able to send me home? I mean, a wizard can
• 1:06:46
  do all sorts of wizardly shit. tell me more about
• 1:06:51
  this bank yeah so he starts laying out a little
• 1:06:55
  bit more it's not that much more information
• 1:06:57
  that you're getting out of this bobby peru it's
• 1:06:59
  a seems pretty like simple as a job overall not
• 1:07:03
  a lot of guards you know you gotta disarm a couple
• 1:07:05
  people that kind of thing all right uh as as
• 1:07:10
  my compatriots come back to the table uh now
• 1:07:14
  now fellas seems that there's a wizard in the
• 1:07:19
  city over there who might be able to help us
• 1:07:22
  get back to where we came from and uh if we help
• 1:07:26
  these fellas out with a job they say they might
• 1:07:29
  be able to help us get seen by this wizard eight
• 1:07:33
  bobby peru heads nod in unison they all seem
• 1:07:39
  very trustworthy to me so uh Post office. Is
• 1:07:47
  it open? Yeah, actually, Rob, the post office
• 1:07:52
  is open. It's staffed by just one person. I mean,
• 1:07:54
  small operation. Is it a Bobby Peru? It is not
• 1:07:57
  a Bobby Peru. It's just a schmuck from Big Tuna
• 1:08:02
  Universe. I'm going to like go down there, kind
• 1:08:05
  of keep my head down so my hair is kind of in
• 1:08:07
  my face. I want to find the wanted posters. The
• 1:08:12
  wanted posters? You always see wanted posters
• 1:08:15
  in post office, like, you know, in TV and movies.
• 1:08:19
  Sure. That's what this is. So the wanted poster
• 1:08:23
  situation is really just a picture of Bobby Peru.
• 1:08:28
  No, nobody who looks like me. Nope. No, sir.
• 1:08:33
  Do you approach the counter? Sure. Yeah. So the
• 1:08:37
  clerk sort of says, what can I what can I help
• 1:08:40
  you with, sir? This might be an odd question.
• 1:08:47
  Nothing's an odd question for the post office.
• 1:08:50
  You ever... Ever see anyone who kind of looks
• 1:08:53
  like me? Maybe younger? Sort of does a big stare
• 1:08:58
  at you. Can you lift your hair? Oh! Oh, shit!
• 1:09:08
  We haven't seen one of you in ages! One of me?
• 1:09:16
  Yeah, sir. Of course. A cage. Okay, I've heard
• 1:09:24
  this before. What exactly is a cage? Well, I
• 1:09:28
  don't know how to describe it other than one
• 1:09:30
  of you. You look different a lot of the time.
• 1:09:33
  Sometimes skinnier, sometimes teeth different,
• 1:09:35
  sometimes hair different. Different accents.
• 1:09:38
  A lot of Boston. A lot of Boston. But yeah, I
• 1:09:43
  see a lot of you. But not for a long time. Any...
• 1:09:48
  How long? Oh, shit. It may have been three, four,
• 1:09:56
  six months ago. Something like that. Not a lot
• 1:10:00
  happens in Big Tuna, I'm sorry. What about outside
• 1:10:04
  Big Tuna? Well, ain't all that much going on
• 1:10:07
  outside Big Tuna. So what changed six months
• 1:10:10
  ago? Well... There was the message. Message?
• 1:10:18
  Yep. Care to elaborate? I don't know how much
• 1:10:24
  more to say. All the cages got a message, and
• 1:10:27
  then there were no more cages. I mean, I delivered
• 1:10:31
  most of them to anyone who was in Big Tuna. So,
• 1:10:36
  message as in, like, certified mail? Yeah, how
• 1:10:42
  else would you... it's not door to door, you
• 1:10:46
  know, like flower delivery. Yeah. I brought it
• 1:10:48
  to their mailboxes and delivered the messages.
• 1:10:50
  Then they all were gone. How many cages lived
• 1:10:54
  in big tuna? Oh, I don't know. Shit. We had a,
• 1:10:59
  we had a, I don't know, 12, 13. Seems excessive.
• 1:11:08
  I mean, to us, they were just our neighbors.
• 1:11:10
  They all seem mostly. All right. Do you have
• 1:11:13
  any undelivered messages? No, that was the last
• 1:11:18
  missive. I mean, I got some spam mail and shit,
• 1:11:24
  but that ain't going to do you much good. Could
• 1:11:27
  I get the addresses of these cages? Sure. Yeah,
• 1:11:32
  that seems totally on the up and up. I mean,
• 1:11:37
  you got their face. I can't be too mad about
• 1:11:38
  it. Thank you. so yeah you get a little list
• 1:11:43
  there's a couple addresses in big tuna again
• 1:11:44
  big tuna is not that big yeah i'm just gonna
• 1:11:47
  like take my copy uh leave my bagel walk out
• 1:11:51
  the front door uh walk across the street to what
• 1:11:54
  i'm assuming is walk across the street to like
• 1:11:57
  the closest address yeah which is not far yeah
• 1:12:00
  let myself in sure um big tuna also pretty you
• 1:12:04
  know it's a porno city but it's pretty safe people
• 1:12:06
  are trusting here um so doors are open um and
• 1:12:10
  you can see it's a pretty unused apartment um
• 1:12:13
  nothing seems really out of out of line um there's
• 1:12:18
  a a picture of um i don't know what you would
• 1:12:24
  know as like vegas uh elvis's hanging out In
• 1:12:32
  the sky? No, on the ground, but I mean, they
• 1:12:35
  definitely are near a plane. I'm just going to
• 1:12:41
  go looking around for some mail. Yeah, go ahead.
• 1:12:45
  Give me a roll. We're going to do a two on this.
• 1:12:47
  Just see what you get. How organized is this
• 1:12:51
  abode? I mean, this is a guy who kind of parties
• 1:12:55
  a little bit. It's a little messy. There's not
• 1:12:57
  anything like super. coordinated about it. All
• 1:13:02
  right. I'm trying to think. Now I can't think
• 1:13:10
  of any anything to use this with. He keeps all
• 1:13:14
  his mail in the fridge while cooking. That's
• 1:13:22
  a one. OK, well, in this particular house, you
• 1:13:26
  do not find anything. All right. so let's go
• 1:13:29
  ahead and we're gonna speed run this a little
• 1:13:31
  bit um sean because i like what you're doing
• 1:13:32
  um but instead of going like every house yeah
• 1:13:36
  just roll me another uh two and just see if you
• 1:13:39
  end up can i i'm trying to cut through some bullshit
• 1:13:41
  here yeah yeah you mean my game i mean i'm just
• 1:13:48
  trying to get information yeah no this will speed
• 1:13:51
  it up a little bit if you uh get a success on
• 1:13:53
  here um i think i got a four okay So you do find
• 1:13:59
  a letter. It's this kind of gilded letter. And
• 1:14:02
  in this particular one, it says, Mr. Furpo, you
• 1:14:08
  are welcomed back to the Emerald City. You are
• 1:14:13
  expected here tomorrow. And if you are not present,
• 1:14:18
  we will come find you. When was this dated? I
• 1:14:23
  don't know. The envelope says, let's just assume
• 1:14:25
  three months ago. All right. I'll pocket the
• 1:14:31
  letter and go find my compatriots. All right.
• 1:14:35
  In the meantime, what have the three of you been
• 1:14:37
  doing? Oh, also, just while I've been going through
• 1:14:39
  the houses, if there's been any like photo, like
• 1:14:42
  frame photos or photos of like the cages that
• 1:14:45
  live there, I would like collect a few of those.
• 1:14:47
  That's great. Actually, yeah, you have, you know,
• 1:14:49
  not everybody had a picture, but let's say you've
• 1:14:52
  got like eight photos of various different cages.
• 1:14:56
  You definitely got a Bill Furpo. Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:15:00
  And you got a whatever his name was from Honeymoon
• 1:15:02
  in Vegas. Gotta catch them all. I feel like Pete
• 1:15:12
  has just been talking to the communion of Peru's.
• 1:15:18
  And then I told her I couldn't think of a more
• 1:15:21
  horrible job if I wanted to that she had to do
• 1:15:24
  it or that I would fire her. You understand?
• 1:15:29
  The Bobby Perus fucking love this shit. They're
• 1:15:33
  horrible creatures and they are into this. I
• 1:15:37
  turn around to the other cages with me. You chased
• 1:15:40
  her into the bathroom? I turn around to the other
• 1:15:43
  cages with me and wink and like, these are my
• 1:15:46
  people. I'd probably just let Peter talk with
• 1:15:52
  them. Fair enough. I'll stroll back up to the
• 1:15:56
  table while Peter's got all the Bobby's Peru
• 1:16:00
  distracted. I'll just kind of like sidle up to
• 1:16:04
  the other two and just kind of like hand them
• 1:16:06
  a wad of like random photos of us. And the letter.
• 1:16:12
  Oh, yeah, the letter was signed The Wizard. Boys,
• 1:16:19
  I hate to say it, but we might have to play ball
• 1:16:23
  here. This is what I've been saying. He's trustworthy.
• 1:16:30
  I always said, the more gum a person has, the
• 1:16:34
  more you can trust them. There's a lot of gums.
• 1:16:39
  I think we could trust all of these people. And
• 1:16:43
  I think they know what's going on. Isn't that
• 1:16:46
  right, Peruse? And I was just like... Eight Peruse
• 1:16:50
  nod. Like, in my head, they're not saying this
• 1:16:54
  all, but in my head, they're going... Peter,
• 1:16:57
  Peter, Peter. It's probably the blood loss, but
• 1:17:01
  I'm just like cheering myself, congratulating
• 1:17:04
  myself, finally found my audience. And I turn
• 1:17:09
  to the cages. They wouldn't misfile anything.
• 1:17:17
  I don't see that we have much of a choice here.
• 1:17:20
  And we seem to be in somewhat of a... moral and
• 1:17:23
  ethical gray area, seeing as, I don't know if
• 1:17:26
  this is all a delusion or a parallel dimension
• 1:17:28
  or what, but I'm thinking we're probably not
• 1:17:31
  subject to the local laws and ordinances. Anyone
• 1:17:36
  else suffer severe head trauma lately? Just jest.
• 1:17:44
  Not that I recall, but it wouldn't necessarily.
• 1:17:52
  I don't think so, but life is rough. All right,
• 1:17:57
  boys. I turn back to the peruse. No one gets
• 1:18:02
  hurt. No one gets hurt. Bobby Peru's a lover,
• 1:18:08
  not a fighter. And I'm all about finding love
• 1:18:14
  in all the right places. I'm just gonna like
• 1:18:18
  loudly whisper. I think we could have an army
• 1:18:21
  of peruse. Think about the contracts that this
• 1:18:25
  could inspire. A vampire leading these freaks.
• 1:18:31
  Can you believe it? I've never felt more confident.
• 1:18:38
  Alva's gonna love this when she's finished her
• 1:18:41
  time. I'm just... Cameron will just sort of nod
• 1:18:48
  reassuringly and kind of... Push the coffee back
• 1:18:52
  towards you. It'll wear off. He can't be half
• 1:18:58
  forever. I'm just going to choke some more down.
• 1:19:04
  A little bit spurts out of the chest. No, I'm
• 1:19:07
  kidding. Okay, so let's brainstorm this a little
• 1:19:14
  bit. So you guys are going to rob a hayseed bank.
• 1:19:18
  Bobby Peru's, Bobby's Peru are not that. sharp
• 1:19:22
  um and they really don't have a plan other than
• 1:19:25
  going in guns blazing so if you don't want to
• 1:19:27
  do that it is your job to figure out a better
• 1:19:30
  option so if you're really trying to do no damage
• 1:19:33
  cameron then you got to think about how you're
• 1:19:35
  actually going to get in here get the money out
• 1:19:37
  of this bank or get into the vault that rather
• 1:19:39
  can i is it possible that i can somehow convince
• 1:19:44
  them that we are to be trusted and that i can
• 1:19:47
  be their leader I'm going to have you roll for
• 1:19:51
  that. It's about time. How many dice will that
• 1:19:58
  be? I mean, this is a maximum challenge one.
• 1:20:01
  So, okay, it's going to be a three die situation.
• 1:20:04
  I'm also going to roll some additional die because
• 1:20:06
  I have that power. I'm going to roll six. I'm
• 1:20:08
  rolling six against you. Son of a bitch. Fuck
• 1:20:11
  you. I'm rolling for eight Bobby Prues. No, you
• 1:20:13
  charm two of them. Six. For the listener, my
• 1:20:17
  sleeves have been pulled up. What skills do you
• 1:20:22
  got there, Peter? Whatever Peter Lowe skills
• 1:20:25
  and equipment that are applicable for this, you
• 1:20:28
  play it out. My skills, one of them is false
• 1:20:31
  confidence and gear. I mean, one of them like
• 1:20:37
  the decapitated pigeon. They all seem to like
• 1:20:41
  your teeth. I've got fake teeth, decapitated
• 1:20:44
  pigeon, piece of pallet. Heatherton contract.
• 1:20:47
  I mean, the Heatherton contract might be your
• 1:20:50
  ace in the hole on this one. So I think you have
• 1:20:53
  at least those three. What about a drive? Yeah,
• 1:20:58
  do you have a drive that matches? My drives are
• 1:21:01
  finding love in all the wrong places and bat
• 1:21:03
  arousal. Can I slide down like the Hamilton contract
• 1:21:09
  and says, I'm wearing a suit. This here contract
• 1:21:13
  means that we get a fair split of our share from
• 1:21:17
  the hayseed bag. And I'm just going to hope that
• 1:21:21
  like none of them actually look at it, but they'll
• 1:21:24
  be convinced by the contract that this is like
• 1:21:27
  a legit thing. So one of them sort of flips it
• 1:21:31
  towards themselves and they kind of look at it
• 1:21:33
  squinty eyed and then kind of flips it back.
• 1:21:36
  I mean, it's a contract. It is what I've been
• 1:21:41
  working my whole life towards. All right. So
• 1:21:47
  you're rolling. How many dice? I've got false
• 1:21:52
  confidence. They like the teeth. Pigeon. Contract.
• 1:21:59
  I think you're only doing four. Right. We'll
• 1:22:01
  say four. I will tell you, I rolled four successes.
• 1:22:09
  You need to go fuck yourself. Roll hot, Daryl.
• 1:22:15
  Roll four successes, Daryl. Just for the ASMR
• 1:22:17
  aspect. Good, thank you. I have two fours, a
• 1:22:27
  five, and a two. Oh, so fucking close. But go
• 1:22:34
  ahead and add six die to your cage out pool for
• 1:22:37
  later. That's true. You get to really rock that
• 1:22:39
  shit later. OK, so here's what I'll give you
• 1:22:42
  from that one. You have convinced the majority
• 1:22:45
  of the Bobby's Peru. There are some that still
• 1:22:49
  are maybe not trustworthy in this situation.
• 1:22:52
  But in theory, you have, we'll say, five Bobby's
• 1:22:56
  Peru that are kind of like, that's our dude.
• 1:22:59
  All right. I start flapping their wings. Ah,
• 1:23:06
  ah, ah. We're flapping in unison. And I look
• 1:23:09
  to the other three. He's like, you don't know
• 1:23:11
  what you're missing out on. All right. So we'll
• 1:23:20
  fast forward a little bit to you all are outside
• 1:23:22
  of the Hayseed Bank, whether it's a block away,
• 1:23:25
  whatever you want to do for your plan. But you
• 1:23:27
  need to guide me through what you're going to
• 1:23:29
  try and do to break into the safe inside of the
• 1:23:31
  Hayseed Bank. It is literally called Hayseed
• 1:23:34
  Bank. I think. Oh, I was just going to say we
• 1:23:41
  should all put on one of these and hand out legs
• 1:23:44
  pantyhose so we can't be identified later. Now,
• 1:23:49
  in my admittedly limited experience in similar
• 1:23:54
  situations, I think it's important we get in
• 1:23:57
  and get out as quickly as possible. That seems
• 1:24:02
  prudent. Pull the thing on. We should send the
• 1:24:09
  vampire and maybe appoint it Rob the Counselor
• 1:24:17
  in first as a good distraction. And maybe you,
• 1:24:26
  myself, and a Bobby Peru. quickly come in, capitalize,
• 1:24:33
  nobody gets hurt. We just get that money. Other
• 1:24:39
  Bobby Perus, they can watch the back. Sounds
• 1:24:43
  like a plan to me. So let me just make sure I
• 1:24:48
  am understanding. You're sending Peter Lowe,
• 1:24:51
  several Bobby's Peru, and Rob inside the bank.
• 1:24:56
  No, the other Bobby Perus I would like to...
• 1:25:00
  drive man the perimeter uh not be involved okay
• 1:25:05
  so i don't i think they're a little hot yeah
• 1:25:07
  one bobby peru with us for you know yeah i'm
• 1:25:11
  sure well how many were unconvinced to lead us
• 1:25:15
  three were unconvinced yeah so you've got so
• 1:25:19
  so peter lowe's going in with a loyal bobby peru
• 1:25:24
  and a robinfeld and the three of them will will
• 1:25:28
  be a distraction yeah yeah i was gonna say create
• 1:25:33
  but they don't really need to put any effort
• 1:25:34
  into it big tuna's used to seeing lots of bobby
• 1:25:37
  peruse don't worry but backed up with a wild
• 1:25:42
  vampire cage it's true and a slick speaking homeless
• 1:25:47
  cage I could have my creatures of the night swarm
• 1:25:54
  in bad form at the click of a hooked finger.
• 1:25:59
  I'm sure you could. I can. It's like my whole
• 1:26:05
  thing. You wouldn't even understand, man. You
• 1:26:14
  just don't get it, do you? Alright. Seems like
• 1:26:20
  a pretty well -developed plan. Yeah, I like it.
• 1:26:22
  It's good enough for me. Gentlemen, what are
• 1:26:27
  we robbing the bank with? I just got a gun. Pull
• 1:26:33
  out my gun. I have this piece of pallet and a
• 1:26:40
  pigeon with no head. Okay, bring those, I guess.
• 1:26:49
  to say this but looking at peter he's the only
• 1:26:53
  one of us with a suit maybe you should go in
• 1:26:56
  there and try to open an account bless you sean
• 1:27:03
  i love that idea okay so the little bell ding
• 1:27:15
  -a -lings as A lightly cleaned up Peter Lowe,
• 1:27:21
  or is it still just like bloodied suit Peter
• 1:27:23
  Lowe? As he's getting ready to walk in, I stop
• 1:27:26
  him at the door and like remove the teeth. Nice.
• 1:27:32
  Okay. Like dust off his shoulders and be like,
• 1:27:35
  whatever part of you has any semblance of reality.
• 1:27:46
  I need you to channel that. And keep your shit
• 1:27:52
  together for five minutes. I've read in excess
• 1:27:57
  of ten books. I know how this works. Lead the
• 1:28:06
  way, Peter. Me and my loyal Peru, who I'm going
• 1:28:13
  to call Bobby Juan. Can we have numbered all
• 1:28:18
  the perus? Yeah. For sake of convenience, we've
• 1:28:22
  numbered all the perus. Absolutely. But I'm going
• 1:28:25
  to make it annoying in three, five, and six are
• 1:28:27
  the ones who don't like you. Classic Bobby Five.
• 1:28:34
  I'm going to walk up to the bank clerk, lean
• 1:28:38
  down on the desk, say, me and my associate would
• 1:28:43
  like to... disgust they just sweep like the blood
• 1:28:46
  -minted hair out of my eye uh opening a business
• 1:28:50
  account with you you see i have a lot of contract
• 1:28:55
  deals that i need somewhere to put my gold all
• 1:29:01
  right you're gonna this is gonna be kind of the
• 1:29:04
  equivalent of a persuasion role you're gonna
• 1:29:06
  have to roll just a one but you can use some
• 1:29:08
  skills on that uh i'll take the false confidence
• 1:29:13
  uh so let's see asmr uh i have a five and a three
• 1:29:24
  okay i got a one success so um on the push we're
• 1:29:32
  gonna say that uh this clerk is fucking tired
• 1:29:36
  they're hungry they got a turkey sandwich that
• 1:29:38
  they want to eat you know they're like Sure,
• 1:29:42
  sir. You got to fill out this form. And then
• 1:29:47
  I've got to show you a couple different things.
• 1:29:50
  You got to talk to a manager. I'll speak to every
• 1:29:54
  damn manager in this place until I get my account.
• 1:29:58
  And Bobby Peru's got to put some stuff in there,
• 1:30:01
  aren't you, Bobby Juan? Oh, Bobby Peru always
• 1:30:05
  puts something in. He's a hoot. He's a riot.
• 1:30:10
  He's talking about his penis, but he means gold.
• 1:30:15
  Rob's going to look over the counter and see
• 1:30:18
  the like plastic baggy like sandwich. It's like
• 1:30:23
  turkey. Yeah, it's turkey. That's my favorite.
• 1:30:35
  Just wonder bread. It's a lot of bread. There's
• 1:30:41
  a lot of conversations, bread, as in money, and
• 1:30:44
  also bread, he's a chef. Is that what you eat
• 1:30:51
  every day? Well, yeah, I mean, most days I eat
• 1:30:57
  the turkey sandwich at work, yeah. You ever treat
• 1:31:02
  yourself? Sometimes I put some mayonnaise on
• 1:31:05
  it. It's probably time for us to bust through
• 1:31:09
  that door. I think so. Nick, come in. Go up to...
• 1:31:16
  I assume there's more than one teller, right?
• 1:31:18
  Yeah, there's two windows. I mean, it's a small
• 1:31:20
  bank, so it's just the two windows. The person
• 1:31:23
  you're talking to is a younger person. The one
• 1:31:25
  in the other window is an older gentleman. So
• 1:31:28
  I'll go up to the other one with my little...
• 1:31:32
  letterboard with spelled out take us to vault
• 1:31:35
  misspelled out on the board and just slide it
• 1:31:40
  can you explain to everyone what your letterboard
• 1:31:43
  is oh yeah my letterboard is uh when you get
• 1:31:46
  your mud shot taken and they have the the name
• 1:31:48
  i've got one of those but with a bevy of letters
• 1:31:54
  so yeah letters and numbers yeah so take me to
• 1:31:58
  vault take me to vault And you're wearing the
• 1:32:01
  legs pantyhose over your head, correct? Wearing
• 1:32:03
  the legs pantyhose. Okay. All right. So the teller
• 1:32:09
  is a little shook from this, obviously, and they
• 1:32:14
  are reaching towards the panic button. They take
• 1:32:17
  out the gun. And they sort of put their finger
• 1:32:20
  back up where you can see it. I want to distract
• 1:32:23
  the other teller by like describing like. how
• 1:32:27
  i would make a turkey sandwich perfect like fresh
• 1:32:30
  fresh carved like bird like cured meats like
• 1:32:33
  just really get him salivating and not paying
• 1:32:35
  attention to what's happening two feet to his
• 1:32:37
  left yeah all right yeah so so for you rob i
• 1:32:41
  want you to roll um we'll call that just a one
• 1:32:44
  because i think this dude is really hungry so
• 1:32:47
  distraction is high and also really doesn't want
• 1:32:49
  to engage with peter i'm just gonna stare at
• 1:32:56
  the telly with like wide bug eyes while this
• 1:32:58
  is all going on that's a five all right you you
• 1:33:03
  do succeed you have this this person's attention
• 1:33:05
  and um you know while you're describing you know
• 1:33:09
  cranberry relishes that you would reduce down
• 1:33:12
  for multiple hours and all sorts of shit you
• 1:33:14
  know like they are kind of just like tell me
• 1:33:17
  more what would you what's aioli It's essentially
• 1:33:23
  just mayonnaise with like shit in it. Well, that
• 1:33:26
  still sounds better than just mayonnaise. And
• 1:33:29
  that was my highlight. That was my treat. Have
• 1:33:32
  you ever truly lived? I'm starting to think no,
• 1:33:38
  sir. What are you doing here? What are you doing
• 1:33:43
  in Big Tuna? What is life? Fuck! Okay, so back
• 1:33:48
  at the other window, you've leveled the gun at
• 1:33:51
  this old teller, and he says, now, I don't want
• 1:33:54
  no trouble. This is an easy thing to do. Y 'all
• 1:33:59
  can have what's in the register, but the safe,
• 1:34:02
  you need the manager. I look over at the Bobby
• 1:34:08
  Peru to see what he thinks about just taking
• 1:34:10
  what's in the register. He shakes his head and
• 1:34:15
  then grins his tiny, terrible smile. i think
• 1:34:19
  we're gonna have to go see the manager don't
• 1:34:20
  you well shit i was hoping you wouldn't say that
• 1:34:25
  so he uh he he just goes uh harlan harlan i need
• 1:34:35
  you and this old man kind of stumbles on up there
• 1:34:39
  it's like what's going on tap the sign yeah Oh,
• 1:34:46
  and then he looks over and he sees the Bobby
• 1:34:47
  Peru. It's like, oh. It's not even Tuesday and
• 1:34:52
  we got a Peru. God damn it. All right. I mean,
• 1:34:59
  come take a look at the safe. And he opens the
• 1:35:04
  door for you guys. Oh, I'll go back there. OK,
• 1:35:08
  so Cameron, you're going back and Rob and Peter,
• 1:35:11
  what are you doing in this particular moment?
• 1:35:13
  I'm asking the teller who's got enthralled, be
• 1:35:16
  like, what's the insurance on an operation like
• 1:35:22
  this in a Peru town? How do you back this? Sir,
• 1:35:29
  we see a Bobby Peru basically every other day.
• 1:35:32
  They don't hit on Tuesdays usually. That's what's
• 1:35:34
  surprising. I can't turn to the Peru like, you've
• 1:35:40
  done this. You've done this before. All the time.
• 1:35:44
  We love robbing this bank. I'm also going to
• 1:35:48
  turn to the Perus like, who's putting their money
• 1:35:51
  in this bank? Because I imagine at this point,
• 1:35:55
  it's just like the Perus rob it. They like put
• 1:35:58
  all their savings in the bank and then go rob
• 1:36:00
  it again. You're not far off. I'm just going
• 1:36:05
  to give my account. We all have our hobbies.
• 1:36:08
  Can I deposit this please? It's very important
• 1:36:11
  to me. uh yes so you continually distract this
• 1:36:17
  other teller and you give them a dead bird that
• 1:36:20
  they are like i don't know what to do with this
• 1:36:23
  you just you just put it in the bag like it is
• 1:36:28
  now in the bank what's the interest draw by pidget
• 1:36:35
  please They immediately huck it back to you.
• 1:36:38
  Thank God. All right. So Cameron, you get taken
• 1:36:43
  back to the vault and they sort of do the usual
• 1:36:49
  thing. The old man sighing, he opens it up. It's
• 1:36:51
  a two key situation, blah, blah, blah. And they
• 1:36:54
  open up the vault and it's. pretty fucking empty
• 1:36:57
  um to rob's point or to sean's point uh this
• 1:37:01
  town's ecosystem is mostly bobby peruse and uh
• 1:37:05
  porno you know sort of being moved around so
• 1:37:08
  like the bank doesn't have a lot going in So
• 1:37:12
  what you end up seeing in there are three very,
• 1:37:17
  very important objects that immediately leap
• 1:37:19
  out to you. One is the Declaration of Independence.
• 1:37:24
  Yeah. Let's see. One is Jeremiah Sands album.
• 1:37:33
  Lift it down on vinyl. Another is a stuffed bunny.
• 1:37:41
  And the last one looks like poetry. It looks
• 1:37:45
  like a gun that was forged in hell. I will take
• 1:37:53
  that as I'm currently on. So you can have devil's
• 1:37:59
  gun to your inventory. Delightful. This everything
• 1:38:06
  here, I can just grab it. I mean, clearly I want
• 1:38:10
  this. bunny got me into this mess yep uh all
• 1:38:15
  right i come back out wait did you take the record
• 1:38:17
  yeah oh of course thank god we're robbing the
• 1:38:22
  whole bank i'm i'm at least thorough okay even
• 1:38:25
  if i'm a little reluctant perfect so um as you
• 1:38:30
  guys walk out back into the main lot i leave
• 1:38:32
  a note like just letting them know like sorry
• 1:38:36
  i owe you one devil's gun yeah So as you walk
• 1:38:42
  back into the lobby, the doors kick open from
• 1:38:45
  the outside and seven Bobby's Peru come in, guns
• 1:38:51
  pointing. I'm going to wade into the middle of
• 1:38:57
  this. I was your king. Had you put the vampire
• 1:39:04
  teeth in, you would betray me. I'm going to point
• 1:39:12
  my piece of pallet at the wall. So, Bobby's three,
• 1:39:18
  five, and six don't buy into your bullshit, Peter
• 1:39:23
  Lowe. And they have their shotguns pointed directly
• 1:39:26
  at you. Bobby's one, two, four, seven, and eight.
• 1:39:32
  Come, come to me. Together we can rule the night.
• 1:39:39
  One Bobby actually will kind of leap sort of
• 1:39:42
  in front of you right as another Bobby takes
• 1:39:45
  a shot. And that Bobby does take the hit for
• 1:39:48
  you. You really convinced that Bobby. Bobby too.
• 1:39:54
  My favorite Bobby. I don't say out loud. I could
• 1:40:03
  break him back. I can turn him. And I just like
• 1:40:06
  start nibbling at his neck. Oh my God. Okay.
• 1:40:09
  So yeah, you're, you're on the floor. What are
• 1:40:10
  the other three of you doing? Oh Jesus. Uh, I,
• 1:40:14
  I would, I think Rob would just like, kind of
• 1:40:16
  like walk up between like, just to, to the amalgamation.
• 1:40:23
  That is Bobby's Peru. Like, what are we doing
• 1:40:29
  here guys? Well, seems like we're about to kill
• 1:40:33
  y 'all and steal your shit. And then what? Well,
• 1:40:40
  I assume we'll do it again except on Tuesdays.
• 1:40:47
  Question, Bobby. I'm just going to point to one
• 1:40:51
  of the Bobbies. It's Bobby Six. Point to Bobby
• 1:40:54
  Six. You. Among this cluster of bobbies, how
• 1:41:06
  many of them do you actually trust? A Bobby Peru
• 1:41:11
  always trusts a Bobby Peru. But it seems to me
• 1:41:15
  that y 'all are turning on us. Y 'all ain't Bobby
• 1:41:22
  Peru. Say, it doesn't seem like you are the most
• 1:41:26
  trustworthy of people. no sir we're not what
• 1:41:30
  happens when you run out of stuff to rob i don't
• 1:41:33
  know we'll go to the emerald city shit i'm gonna
• 1:41:37
  raise my head from like bobby two's neck it's
• 1:41:40
  a bobby hive mind and i and i am in the epicenter
• 1:41:47
  and i'm just gonna like throw my decapitated
• 1:41:49
  pigeon at like bobby three this is for bobby
• 1:41:52
  two all right now sons listen We got the bank
• 1:41:59
  vault. We'll give you your goods, but let's get
• 1:42:04
  out of here. These people don't need this. Try
• 1:42:07
  to keep that devil gun up. Yeah. All right. So
• 1:42:11
  let's, let's use this as kind of like a coercion
• 1:42:13
  thing. This is going to be kind of a hard one.
• 1:42:15
  So let's do a three for this. Okay. I have my
• 1:42:20
  devil gun. Two dice. Which is certainly playing
• 1:42:26
  an intimidation factor. Could I assist with this
• 1:42:32
  since I was trying to get the bobbies to turn
• 1:42:34
  on each other? Or at least question each other?
• 1:42:36
  Absolutely, you can. Yeah, you've sowed discontent
• 1:42:41
  throughout the peruse. Okay. So we'll give you
• 1:42:47
  a bonus die just for Robin's help on this. Perfect.
• 1:42:55
  Why don't we take this outside? Have a four and
• 1:43:00
  a five and a two. Okay. Yeah, you got it. That
• 1:43:04
  does work. So the perus all kind of like look
• 1:43:10
  to each other, look back, look to each other,
• 1:43:11
  look back. And then Bobby five sort of whistles
• 1:43:18
  in a really horrible way because their teeth
• 1:43:20
  are so strange. They all start backing out, but
• 1:43:25
  they're all still leveling their guns at each
• 1:43:27
  of you. Terrific. I'll follow them out the front
• 1:43:31
  door with all the bobbies. Perfect. I'm going
• 1:43:35
  to weekend at Bernie's bobby too. Just as a human
• 1:43:40
  shield, as it should be. All bobbies, yeah. All
• 1:43:43
  bobbies on deck. I'm going to tell everybody
• 1:43:47
  in the bank. Add bobby too to your inventory.
• 1:43:53
  And I will. They tell everybody in the bank as
• 1:43:56
  we're leaving to lay down on the floor and count
• 1:43:58
  to 946. We'll come back in five minutes just
• 1:44:02
  to check. You hear them start to count. All right,
• 1:44:07
  so you're now in the streets, the dusty streets
• 1:44:09
  of Big Tuna, and you've got seven Bobby Perus
• 1:44:13
  sort of in a semicircle pointing their guns at
• 1:44:17
  you. And you have a Bobby Peru body shield on
• 1:44:21
  Peter Lowe, and then the three of you also there.
• 1:44:26
  Can I try and coerce Bobby2's slack jaw to do
• 1:44:31
  a bad Bobby Peru, like he's speaking from beyond
• 1:44:33
  the grave? 100 % yes, you may try this. Let's
• 1:44:39
  see if I can say to them, just addressing all
• 1:44:41
  Bobbies as one. Bobby! There's no one else in
• 1:44:46
  this entire bank I could possibly ask to share
• 1:44:49
  such a horrible job. You're the lowest Bobby
• 1:44:52
  on the totem pole here, Bobby. The lowest. Do
• 1:44:55
  you realize that? Every other Bobby here has
• 1:44:58
  been here longer than you, Bobby. Every one.
• 1:45:02
  And even if there was someone here who was here
• 1:45:04
  even one day longer than you, Bobby, I still
• 1:45:08
  wouldn't ask that person to take in such a miserable
• 1:45:10
  Bobby job as long as you were around. That's
• 1:45:14
  right, Bobby. It's a horrible, horrible set of
• 1:45:17
  teeth you got. Sifted out for its same bank after
• 1:45:20
  same bank. I couldn't think of a more horrible
• 1:45:23
  bank job if I wanted to. And you have to do it.
• 1:45:26
  Or the bobbies will fire you. Do you understand?
• 1:45:30
  Do you, Bobby? uh okay so that i'm not even gonna
• 1:45:36
  make you roll for that that is successful in
• 1:45:38
  fucking with them but what i want you to tell
• 1:45:42
  me is what is your objective what are you hoping
• 1:45:44
  to get out of this uh just hoping just got so
• 1:45:48
  enough discourse between the bobbies that they
• 1:45:50
  all either turn the guns on themselves or each
• 1:45:54
  other and it's just like a police shootout of
• 1:45:56
  bobby on bobby violence Yep. Okay. We're going
• 1:46:00
  to go... We're going to do... It's a three -challenge
• 1:46:03
  roll, but I'm going to give you a bonus one dice
• 1:46:05
  already off the top because I think that was
• 1:46:07
  a really good power play to use Bobby as a tool.
• 1:46:11
  It's a very confident move. It's a very confident
• 1:46:14
  move. I think that 100 % plays into that skill.
• 1:46:17
  How many challenge dice have you racked up so
• 1:46:20
  far? Little old me. I think I have... Eight?
• 1:46:28
  Seems like a proper cage out moment. This could
• 1:46:31
  be a cage out moment if you wanted to. Oh god,
• 1:46:36
  I could. You know what? I'm gonna cage you out.
• 1:46:39
  Fuck yeah. Roll them dice. Roll them bones. Alright.
• 1:46:43
  Ain't dice. I swear to god if they all fail I'm
• 1:46:45
  killing myself. I'm going the way of the pros
• 1:46:50
  here. Alright. six of the eight are successes
• 1:46:59
  fuck yes nice yeah i only rolled two successes
• 1:47:03
  on mine um so yeah you are successful in this
• 1:47:07
  action so play it out for me daryl you uh you
• 1:47:10
  as peter low have really gotten into the heads
• 1:47:13
  of these bobby perus what what happens play out
• 1:47:17
  the rest of it so i finished that big monologue
• 1:47:21
  i'm sort of behind like grabbing like the wrists
• 1:47:23
  of like the dead perus quite clearly dead but
• 1:47:26
  they don't seem to know uh and i'm like puppeteering
• 1:47:30
  him up just like wildly limply gesturing and
• 1:47:34
  then with my own peter low hand i end and just
• 1:47:37
  put like a gun uh symbol of my hand into my mouth
• 1:47:41
  and say i think all these bobby peru should bobby
• 1:47:45
  do and die themselves bang bang and it's a cascade
• 1:47:52
  of bobby peru heads just pop Pop, pop, pop. And
• 1:47:59
  seven Bobby Peru heads land in the dirt, all
• 1:48:02
  of them wearing legs pantyhose. Spine still attached.
• 1:48:06
  Yeah, exactly. It's repulsive and we're all horrified.
• 1:48:11
  And I'm just going to run and start drinking
• 1:48:13
  the blood of all those necks. So not only are
• 1:48:17
  you fully healed, you have bonus health now.
• 1:48:21
  Yes, let's go. All right. Excellent. So you have
• 1:48:30
  escaped my Bobby Peru puzzle. Did they leave
• 1:48:34
  a car behind? Oh, yeah. There's the nice big
• 1:48:39
  car that you guys rode in off the highway. Yeah,
• 1:48:41
  we should definitely jump in that and start heading
• 1:48:43
  for the Emerald City. Yeah. Can I rifle through
• 1:48:47
  the corpse pockets and see if there's anything
• 1:48:48
  useful dead Bobby Peru would have for us? I mean,
• 1:48:52
  geez, if it hadn't been all the jugs magazines
• 1:48:54
  already taken, I would say there were a lot of
• 1:48:56
  jugs. There's just a shit ton of bubble gum.
• 1:49:00
  You got a couple packs of smokes. Outside of
• 1:49:04
  that, I mean, each Bobby Peru had like a pretty
• 1:49:06
  crappy gun that wasn't really loaded all that
• 1:49:09
  well. You know, a couple shots of a shotgun,
• 1:49:10
  that kind of a thing. They weren't like bandoliered
• 1:49:12
  up or anything. I'm just going to gesture to
• 1:49:15
  the corpses and just take a pack of gum. Gotta
• 1:49:19
  take the canines clean. I'll get in the car and
• 1:49:28
  get it fired up here. Alright, who's the wheel
• 1:49:32
  man right now? I have one question in terms of
• 1:49:36
  the bank. I want to look back in and see if there's
• 1:49:38
  like regular bank teller line and like Peru,
• 1:49:42
  like a Peru line just like. an express lane for
• 1:49:45
  like bank robin the sandwich turkey sandwich
• 1:49:48
  boy was the uh express line for peruse uh we
• 1:49:51
  we distracted the wrong guy we did We just destroyed
• 1:49:55
  the economy of this town. Or maybe better. We're
• 1:49:58
  actually heroes. Yeah, Big Tuna thanks the four
• 1:50:03
  of you for sure. I think you introduced the concept
• 1:50:06
  of insurance to this place. Welcome to Big Tuna.
• 1:50:10
  Fuck most of you. They're going to have to change
• 1:50:13
  the sign now. Yeah, I guess so. Peru free since
• 1:50:16
  83. If I had like a Dracula cloak, I would be
• 1:50:21
  swooshing it dramatically on our exit right now.
• 1:50:24
  Absolutely. Are you taking Bobby too with us?
• 1:50:28
  Is he in the middle seat in the back? He gets
• 1:50:33
  his own grave in front of the bank. Yeah, that's
• 1:50:36
  special. I'm glad you took the time for that.
• 1:50:39
  You got to honor our dead. Okay, yeah, so give
• 1:50:42
  me the situation. So Cameron, you're driving.
• 1:50:45
  What's the other car seating orientation? I'll
• 1:50:47
  be shotgun. And then I guess it doesn't really
• 1:50:51
  matter which one of you is on which side, but
• 1:50:53
  unless we really get into some road antics. Unless
• 1:50:57
  Peter wants back in the trunk. I'm already in
• 1:51:01
  the trunk. I'll just be laying down in the back.
• 1:51:06
  Dramatically closing the trunk on yourself. Hello,
• 1:51:13
  everyone. Thank you for listening to the first
• 1:51:15
  half of our very stupid Nick Cage game. This
• 1:51:19
  is producer Peter saying that the second half
• 1:51:22
  will be coming out in another two weeks. So come
• 1:51:26
  listen to the great finale that we come up with
• 1:51:28
  and enjoy more absolute nonsensical bullshit,
• 1:51:31
  which is I'm pretty sure what you're here for
• 1:51:34
  anyway. um so as always thank you to our supporters
• 1:51:37
  on patreon to our sparkle buddies josh sean josie
• 1:51:41
  rico matt adam bill and stewart and to our cage
• 1:51:45
  dancers ira john freeman lance nathan and cameron
• 1:51:49
  we uh really love your support and thanks for
• 1:51:51
  continuing to be a part of this and for all the
• 1:51:55
  stuff that's going to come next so bye Bye. Bye.