Latest / Bye Bye Panic / It took me 38 years to realize what I’ll tell you in 12 minutes

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It took me 38 years to realize what I’ll tell you in 12 minutes · Bye Bye Panic

• 0:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're someone who wants more from life, but you feel like you're getting in your own way, today's my 38th birthday.
• 0:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: And what I'm about to share with you
• 0:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: took me way too long to figure out.
• 0:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: When I was 23 years old, I developed an intense anxiety disorder and mysterious chronic symptoms that professionals told me that this was my life forever.
• 0:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Fast forward to today, not only have I overcome it, but we've helped thousands of people.
• 0:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the three things I'm about to share with you seems so obvious,
• 0:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: but I desperately would have wished someone in my 20s would have told me these things.
• 0:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the first thing I wish people knew is that you're always one problem away from being happy.
• 0:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Most people think that happiness is in the future.
• 0:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Once they achieve something, once they get the thing that they desperately want, they will be happy.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: That life will be perfect after.
• 0:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: But you know, there's actually a study.
• 0:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: This was done in 2011, and it was called the challenge of staying happier.
• 1:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the study found something interesting.
• 1:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: What they found was is that when someone achieved happiness, they had satisfaction in the moment, but that satisfaction was short-lived.
• 1:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: That happiness was short-lived.
• 1:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: That happiness became what they called their new normal.
• 1:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: So whenever they achieved that thing,
• 1:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: They felt good, but then that felt normal after some time.
• 1:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: And this might sound obvious, right?
• 1:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Once you get something, you kind of get familiar with it.
• 1:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: That part most people understand, but here's the part of the study that's even more interesting.
• 1:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: What they found was that their aspirations also increased.
• 1:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: So whenever they hit a certain goal, they felt happy that became their new normal, but then they started looking for the next thing.
• 1:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: And what's interesting about the mind is that anytime you achieve something, your mind moves the gold post.
• 1:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: It starts thinking, hey, yeah, you're happy here, but imagine how much more happier once you achieve this next thing.
• 1:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And what happens is that we think happiness is like in this infinite future.
• 2:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: And after working in this space that I have been for the last decade, which isn't sane,
• 2:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have found that to be absolutely true and the reason why our brains do this is actually pretty simple.
• 2:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: See your brain has developed in negativity bias due to evolutionary history.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: It always looks at what's wrong.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: This isn't a flaw in your brain.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: It's actually a feature.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: The reason why your brain has this negativity bias is that
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  [SPEAKER_00]: a potential threat demands more attention than something going well.
• 2:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: So think about everything that's going right in your life.
• 2:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't need to spend that much attention on what's right.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: You need to focus on what's wrong.
• 2:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you're having business issues that you need to deal.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it's finance issues.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it's relationship issues.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it's health issues.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Whatever it is, that is the thing that will take your attention.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: And so your brain has this negativity bias of finding what is always wrong.
• 3:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: And what's even more interesting is once the brain solves the problem, once the problem is solved, it looks for the next thing.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: So what do you do?
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Do you just accept this negativity bias and just recognize that everything is always going to be negative?
• 3:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, there's ways to overcome this.
• 3:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so if you want to be happy, all you have to do is consciously focus on what makes you happy.
• 3:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: So the brain has a negativity bias.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: You can consciously choose what to focus on.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: It's that simple.
• 3:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: So even if things aren't going the way you'd like, whether some things that are coming up, you can still choose to be grateful in the moment.
• 3:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a choice, it's a decision.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: It won't come automatically, but you can actively choose that I can be improving my life.
• 3:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: While appreciating my life and this is so obvious in many ways, but it's so misunderstood Because I see people that truly believe that once they get this thing They will be liberated.
• 4:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: They'll be free and yes, they get that But then what ends up happening is that they don't get this satisfaction or it's short lived and then they start looking for the next thing And so they put it all this effort just chasing just constantly running
• 4:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: thinking that in the future there'll be a certain way, where having goals like that is important and it's useful, but it's also about being in the moment and appreciating for what you have.
• 4:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the skill you want to practice is enjoying life.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: as it is without everything needing to be fixed first.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: When you start appreciating things, you see reality for what it is, because your mind has this inclination to look at the negative, you consciously choosing to focus on the positive, brings things into perspective, and it's a practice, and it's a skill.
• 4:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I had understood this in my 20s, I still think I would have kept the same ambition, but I think I would have enjoyed at the moment's more.
• 5:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I always felt like, okay, this is grinding time, this is a difficult moment.
• 5:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, this will pass, everything passes.
• 5:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if I could have just told myself, hey, Sean, just enjoy this moment.
• 5:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, just enjoy this time.
• 5:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think I would have done everything I wanted, achieved what I wanted, and you know, enjoy the ride a little bit more.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, the second realization was way more jarring than the first.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: And that is growth.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: will feel like dying.
• 5:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you want to be a higher version of yourself, you want to let go of certain things that may not be serving you, your brain will view that as a threat.
• 5:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: So if you want to become more successful, more happy, more confident, you're going to have to let go of certain identities that don't serve you anymore.
• 5:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when you do that, your brain will treat that as death.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: It will view identity death the same way it looks like a physical death.
• 5:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: So maybe you were someone who was always an anxious person or maybe you didn't grow up with a lot of money or you had a rough childhood.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: At a certain point, you're going to have to let go of those identities.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, that happened, but it doesn't need to dictate your future.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: But whenever you do focus on that, your brain will literally treat that as a threat.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Because your brain will treat this as a loss of self.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: It has identities as a way to give you purpose to give you belonging.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: And whenever you're letting that go, your brain is like, I don't know who you are anymore.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know what's being lost, so I'm gonna treat this as dying.
• 6:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so what happens is that during this transition phase, when someone is letting go of an old identity and creating a new one, it's the most uncomfortable part.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: It's like this wobbly middle.
• 6:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Think of it as like a bridge, right?
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  [SPEAKER_00]: You have a bridge between one short one, the other.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: The most wobbly part is in the transition, and so what happens is people are going from one identity to another, but they're in this wobbly section, and nobody tells them that a transition will feel like death, even if it's a higher version of you, even if it's a better version of a future that you actually want, and so the key is.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't want a judge, anything while you're in the transition.
• 7:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you also want to acknowledge that anytime you are growing, you're expanding, you're stretching yourself, you're going to feel uncomfortable.
• 7:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And most people quit here, but don't, because this is where your brain is rewiring itself.
• 7:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: What you have to realize is that falling apart is just you rebuilding yourself in disguise.
• 7:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now the third lesson is probably the most important.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: which is your capacity for growth.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: is how much truth you can face of yourself without running away.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: This is really important.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll repeat myself.
• 7:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: How much you grow in life, your capacity for growth is directly proportional to how much you can see of yourself without running away.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: See, we all have truths about ourselves that we don't like.
• 8:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: And whenever we don't like those truths, we tend to avoid them.
• 8:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: You'll actually notice that you'll be able
• 8:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: you will see other people's flaws and things about them that they might not like, and it's really easy to see, but it's very difficult for us to see it within ourselves.
• 8:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's because we have an ego, right?
• 8:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: We have an ego that kind of blocks that.
• 8:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I want you to realize that even if you don't face these things about yourself, things that you might know you need to fix, things that are holding you back, it will show up in other parts of your life.
• 8:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And one of the ways it shows up is you judging other people.
• 8:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: What happens is when you're judging other people, you're often highlighting something about them that you also don't accept within yourself.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: And the risk is that the rules you judge other people become the same rules that you judge yourself against.
• 8:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, if you see somebody struggling and you think, oh, they're weak.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, what are you going to think of yourself when you're struggling?
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  [SPEAKER_00]: If you see somebody trying something and failing,
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  [SPEAKER_00]: your own failures become harder to admit.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: If you judge other people for being insecure, you will naturally hide your own insecurities.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: You make certain parts of being human, unacceptable, and then judge yourself when you see the same aspects within you.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: And so what happens is people will often avoid these parts of themselves, they'll reject it,
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Or if they even acknowledge, they have it, they'll point to something else.
• 9:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: They'll say, well, I act this way because of XYZ, you know, my childhood, you know, someone did this to me, or they deserved it.
• 9:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And what happens is that when you don't face the things about yourself that you might not like, it's a form of self-betrayal.
• 9:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the secret here is that in order to face yourself, there's a really simple practice that I wish I would have known, which is all you need to do is let go of blame.
• 10:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And what happens is that we prevent ourselves from saying things that we don't like because we fall into this game and shame spiral.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: And we often fall into blaming.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, we start blaming ourselves.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: We start hating ourselves.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Shifting blame and taking responsibility.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Right blame is always saying right or wrong.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: I shouldn't have done this.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Responsibility, all that means is saying I am in this situation.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: I am the only one that's response,
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  [SPEAKER_00]: to get out of the situation.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm the only person that can respond in this moment.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Blame is about shifting outward.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: It's your locus of control.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: The focus of control is external.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: When you point blame, you're basically saying it's outside of you.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: When you're taking responsibility, you're taking internal locus of control, which means that responsibility is inner.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: It's within you.
• 10:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of something being outside of you that you have no control, you have the ability to respond.
• 10:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: This has been the whole message of this channel, which is responding to your symptoms.
• 11:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: But it's not just about responding to symptoms, anxiety, chronic symptoms, chronic illness.
• 11:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's about how you respond to life.
• 11:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: right?
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  [SPEAKER_00]: It's outside things.
• 11:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's about choosing responsibility.
• 11:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's about taking responsibility and taking responsibility is very important because at a certain point you're going to need to make a choice.
• 11:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Either you have the pain of staying where you are or you have the pain of growth.
• 11:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And either way, both are going to be painful, but one's going to lead to a more satisfied, more happy life.
• 11:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: These are some things that I wish, you know, I would have known in my 20s.
• 11:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think I kind of knew it, but I had moments where I got distracted and also forgot about these moments.
• 11:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's so obvious, and, you know, it's just something I wish I would have known.
• 11:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I hope this helps you in this video.
• 11:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for watching.
• 11:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: This with me, especially on my birthday, it means a lot.
• 11:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm really excited for what comes this upcoming year.
• 11:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's really exciting.
• 11:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: We got some really fun stuff.
• 11:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if you haven't already subscribed liked, I would really appreciate it.
• 12:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you want to learn more about the recovery programs and how we help people, you can check that out down below as well.
• 12:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for watching.
• 12:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if you want to know how to heal your nervous system, check this out.