Latest / SECOND CLOCK™ / SEASON 6 | HER what I learned from my mother

Transcript

SEASON 6 | HER what I learned from my mother · SECOND CLOCK™

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  I've heard it said that people can change, but only if they
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  want to. So what would it take for you to
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  try it? Change the way you think, feel,
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  relate and experience situations.
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  For me, I wanted to find the truth and little by little I did
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  become different and old conditionings gone.
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  Then I set a new course. I refer to that as the Second
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  Clock. Join me, click follow, like and
• 0:29
  subscribe and let's see where this leads.
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  Every time I sit down to record an episode, I have one thing
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  that plays in the back of my mind.
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  My kids one day may hear this. So I'm careful.
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  I don't censor myself, but I'm careful with how I deliver what
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  I'm saying because one day I do want my kids to hear this.
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  I want them to get to really know me.
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  But of course, when the time is right, I tell my children,
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  Remember, before I was a mom and before your dad was a dad, we
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  were ourselves. We're just people trying to
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  figure things out. We were once children, once
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  teens, once young adults, and things get complicated and here
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  I am back trying to figure things out.
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  But this time I'm doing it my way.
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  I'm not letting other people guide my way, but in order to
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  figure out me and return to me, it starts with figuring out my
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  mom. Why do I start there?
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  Why does it always seem to start with our parents?
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  Well, for me, they're the root. Maybe some people might think
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  root cause for me, just the root.
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  I get so much of who I am, my essence, my way from my mom.
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  I wish she knew that. I wish we spoke, but I don't
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  wish I spoke to the woman that is available to speak now.
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  I wish I could speak to the version of my mom that she is.
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  In my head. I think we all have a version of
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  our parents that we romanticize that if only version.
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  For me, it's if only my mom could listen, really listen,
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  really hear me. The me that I am, not the me
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  that she wants me to be. And since she can't, well, I can
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  say it here. I wish my mom knew that the
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  resilience, the honesty, the coming to where I am now is
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  because that's who she taught me to be.
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  That's who she was inherently. My mom grew up in a way that I
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  would never want to grow up. The house she grew up in was
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  very patriarchal, typical for a Spanish family.
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  The women were meant to cook and clean while the men sat around.
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  My mom from a very young age saw this and thought this doesn't
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  make sense. And unlike most people in that
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  situation, she questioned it. And she started to figure out at
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  a young age how she was going to get out.
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  She already saw what her life could look like if she remained
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  in that situation. So from a young age, she found a
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  path out. She traveled very far from where
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  she grew up and landed in Queens, NY.
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  Her job brought her there. She was a flight attendant, and
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  having never traveled to New York, she picked it as her home
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  base. She must have romanticized the
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  city. So many people do.
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  I realize now that she left behind the life that she could
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  have had and traded it in for a life that was unexpected, a life
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  she would never get if she remained in the same place that
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  she grew up in. I see the parallel here.
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  For me, I wanted to move away from New York and I landed in
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  Lai never felt settled in New York.
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  I never felt at peace or like I belonged.
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  I assimilated really well, and if you asked my friends from
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  childhood, they would say that I was a total New Yorker.
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  But again, I was pretending. I always felt like the pace was
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  a little too much, things a little too abrupt, the talking
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  too loud. It was like barking.
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  I just wanted something different, starting with the
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  sunshine. And for my mom, she wanted
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  something different, starting with everything.
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  My mom was very determined to make sure she never lived the
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  life that her mom lived. She never wanted to dote on a
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  man. She never thought she'd get
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  married or have kids. So when she met my dad, she was
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  aware of what it was going to take for him to have her in his
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  life. And she made it clear to him for
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  me, it would take years before I would possess her resolve.
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  She just knew what she was willing to accept and willing to
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  walk away from. For me, I would have to shed my
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  people pleaser ways before I could find that in me.
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  But when I did, I knew that I got it from her.
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  Her rules were this. She would never cook, she would
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  never clean. She would stay working as a
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  flight attendant for as long as she wanted.
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  She wouldn't answer to anybody and she wasn't having kids.
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  I think she thought that if she had kids, she would lose
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  herself, lose the freedom that she fought so hard to get.
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  But then one day she had a shift.
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  She realized that she loved my dad so much that she wanted a
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  piece of him and her, and only a child would bring that.
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  So she made another promise. We can have kids, but I'm going
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  to keep flying. So we're going to need
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  childcare. Now.
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  At that time, 40 plus years ago, this was a pretty radical and
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  novel concept. But my dad, he adored her.
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  He still does. And they welcome two children,
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  my older brother and me. For me, I always wanted kids.
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  I always wanted a family. For the longest time, I wanted
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  four kids. I just wanted to create a
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  family, the family that I didn't think I had.
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  I was never close with my mother, my father or my brother.
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  My brother was always my mother's son.
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  It never felt like he was my brother.
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  He went off to boarding school when I think it was about 10,
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  and from then on he was pretty much gone.
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  If you ask most of my friends, they'll think I'm an only child.
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  I don't talk about my brother much.
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  That's because they didn't play much of A role in the life that
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  I remember, the life from a 10 year old on that life.
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  Let's say I've told that story before and if you care to hear
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  it, it's in past episodes. But for right now, I feel like
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  I'm going to table those stories.
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  I've already lived them, I've learned from them, I've even
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  shared them. And now I'm at a place of
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  acceptance and understanding and I can release those stories and
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  be good with it. I decided a while back to stop
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  talking to my mom. I think it's because the
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  conversations we had would either go in circles.
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  No resolution, no epiphanies, no learning, no coming together and
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  growing closer. Instead, it was like we entered
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  into a dance. Our conversations, they sounded
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  the same but with different information being exchanged and
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  I felt like there was no point. My mom wanted conversations to
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  be light and easy. She was looking for me to
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  entertain her, fill her in, maybe even act as a fun little
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  distraction, whereas I was looking for information.
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  I didn't really need those calls.
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  So if I was going to be on those calls, I wanted to walk away
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  feeling like I knew her better, I understood her better.
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  I knew more about our family, our history, But for her, she
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  wasn't interested. I remember one time we were
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  talking, she poked fun at me. It was hurtful and this time I
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  didn't stay quiet. I called her out on it and she
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  said, Oh my God, you take everything so seriously.
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  Why can't you just have a little fun?
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  Be more like your brother, He's fun to talk to.
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  As I sat there, I thought, these conversations, they don't add
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  value to my life. And these comments made by her,
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  they're constant. And any piece I'm looking for,
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  it isn't going to be found here. I got off that call and I called
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  my brother. I told him what happened and he
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  said if mom ever talked to me like that, I would get off the
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  phone. That is so insulting, asking you
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  to be like me. Who does that?
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  I found it funny. He knew I was talking about our
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  mom. But I guess he's got standards,
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  he's got boundaries. He can see disrespect and he can
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  shut it down. And at the time, I didn't have
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  much of either, but I was starting to see things more
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  clearly and starting to change things.
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  After I reflected on that call, I thought about these
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  conversations overall. Was there a benefit to either of
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  us? She was telling me in so many
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  words, I don't enjoy these calls unless there are a certain way,
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  her way. And I was thinking, if the
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  situation was reversed, what would my mom do?
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  What would my mom do if somebody asked her to censor herself?
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  If somebody insulted her or poked fun at her and then said
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  she was too sensitive because she cared?
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  Because she had feelings and she let them be known.
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  And then I realized I had to embrace my know.
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  The same know my mom embraces when she's in a situation that
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  she's not comfortable in. The only thing is, I wasn't
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  accustomed to using it, let alone on her.
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  But a part of me knew she would respect it.
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  Ultimately, neither of us were benefiting from these
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  conversations. We weren't respecting our time
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  or each other, which is why I had to say goodbye to my mom.
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  Now, some people think that that's a pretty bold move,
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  pretty dramatic, drastic even. For me, I didn't see it that
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  way. I saw it as something that she
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  would understand, and ultimately, she confirmed that
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  she told me later on. Honey, more than anything, I
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  want you to be happy. And if not talking to me makes
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  you happy, then that's what I want.
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  And I told her I'm not looking for happiness, I'm looking for
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  peace. And yes, not talking to her gave
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  me that. And so now I'm forming my
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  opinion about my mom without the mom that could be in my life
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  daily reminding me that maybe I don't like that version.
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  So I'm sticking to the romanticized version of my mom,
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  the bits and pieces that I adore in her, that I admire, that I
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  want to embrace. My mom doesn't let anything hold
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  her back. She didn't let her small town
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  hold her back. She didn't let her upbringing
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  hold her back. She has no limitations.
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  She's very clear on what she's clear on.
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  She's clear on her boundaries. She's clear on self respect and
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  what love looks like to her. She loves history, she loves
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  art, she loves creating, she loves writing.
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  She would love to know that I'm doing this, but she would hate
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  to know that her name comes up and not always favorably.
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  My mom is so private. I don't know what you would
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  think if she knew I was sharing like this, but for me, keeping
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  things in has never been a good solution.
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  I found that carrying fear and shame around what others might
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  think creates more fear and shame and from this private Ness
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  secrets are formed and they become little booby traps in
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  your life. Things you're worried will come
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  to the surface. Get out.
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  And from a young age I went the opposite direction of what my
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  mother would have wanted me to do.
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  I decided to share and through that I found peace, acceptance
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  and others. My mom is no nonsense.
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  I remember when I was younger, my school wanted me to go on
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  ADHD medicine. I was a bit disruptive, always
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  talking and my mom said absolutely not.
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  She had a fight in her for me. She told the school if you can't
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  handle my daughter without medication and that says
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  something about this school and the lengths you're willing to
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  not go to to teach somebody that learns differently.
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  See I was dyslexic and at the time they didn't know how to
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  teach dyslexics like they do now.
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  My mom went on to say I bet it is easier for you to medicate
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  somebody so that they just fall in line.
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  But is that better for her? What if you stifle who she's
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  going to become? I won't risk it and find out.
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  So now she will not go on medication.
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  That's my mom in a nutshell. She doesn't back down and she
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  calls out shit when she sees it. And that sounds a lot like the
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  me that I'm becoming. I found her fierceness inside
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  me. I found ways to speak up even
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  when it's against her. I found ways to call out things
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  and like my mom says, stand up and be counted for.
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  That's what I'm doing here. I'm standing up.
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  I'm saying my truth, a shared truth, a shared belief that
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  sometimes we can't choose to stay stuck in what we once
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  believed in. Old ideas that need to be
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  revisited and reevaluated. Also, we have to figure out who
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  to follow, and maybe that's ourselves in place of who we
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  used to follow, which could be a number of people, even what
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  society thinks. We have to allow ourselves to
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  breathe, allow ourselves to figure things out, get a little
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  messy. I release judgement when I know
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  somebody's trying to find their way.
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  And as I see myself changing and firming up my beliefs and my
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  values, I see that my choices are changing.
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  They may be more my own, but they're aligned with the choices
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  my mom would make. I see her in some of my actions,
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  and I also see the choices that I make that are not aligned with
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  the choices she makes. But I believe through her ways
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  that I was taught to think freely, question things, and to
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  act the way I felt was best for me, just like she's always done
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  for herself. And maybe I can't talk to her.
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  I can't get through to her. I can't get her to see me.
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  But I know that I'm like her and in my own way, I love her and I
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  understand her. And the more I find myself, the
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  more I really do find her. Thanks for listening.
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  These episodes are unscripted. They're my free flowing thoughts
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  as I reflect back on past conversations, experiences, what
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  I've learned, would like to do better, and what's next.
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  Join me on Thursdays for new episodes and catch up on past
• 15:56
  episodes. Click Follow, Like and subscribe
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  and let's see where this leads.