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The Monster Beneath the Mask: Navigating Narcissist Abuse and Recovery with Melissa Rymer |338 · Bomb Life

0:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey everyone and welcome to the BAM Live Podcast.
0:03
[SPEAKER_00]: I am Elizabeth Vogel, your host.
0:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the show.
0:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Today is a good one.
0:09
[SPEAKER_00]: It is so good.
0:10
[SPEAKER_00]: We are diving into the views.
0:13
[SPEAKER_00]: What that looks like, that topic specifically, because we are coming off of the heels of...
0:21
[SPEAKER_00]: me sharing and my story and there was a lot of questions about it and we had our part three out and now we have a guest on and it's so crazy how the timing worked of all of this and when Melissa was introduced to us and she's going to come on the show right after all of this too so it's crazy because we have gotten a lot of questions and I am not a
0:43
[SPEAKER_00]: narcissistic coach in any way or survival coach in any way.
0:47
[SPEAKER_00]: So the timing of this was like really, really great to have around the show.
0:51
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just always interesting to hear and learn about, you know, new things that are going to interrupt our life, impact our health and fitness journey.
1:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Before Melissa and I hit record, we were talking a lot about my story and just about like
1:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I was explaining to her, you know, like the podcast and why podcasts on certain things and the topic and, you know, I was saying how every single aspect of your life impacts your journey.
1:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Whether you want to create or not, what we do on the outside is what impacts the inside too.
1:29
[SPEAKER_00]: If you want to lose weight, you need to have your relationship in check.
1:34
[SPEAKER_00]: If you want to thrive in business and at work,
1:37
[SPEAKER_00]: you need to be in the best health of your life, the best shape of your life, and I know I know that there are a lot of people who are very successful in business, and then there are health wax, that's who I work with, that's who I coach, and I know that there's an imbalance, but trust me, it always comes back.
1:53
[SPEAKER_00]: That's why I do what I do, and I am the job that I have, because those people, they're like, I put my health and fitness on the back burner, I'm super successful now, I'm a CEO, I have this business, I'm running this,
2:07
[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm fat.
2:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm out of shape.
2:10
[SPEAKER_00]: There's that imbalance.
2:12
[SPEAKER_00]: And the same thing happens with relationships too.
2:15
[SPEAKER_00]: If there is that imbalance, it will come back and bite you in the ass.
2:20
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's why we talk about things like narcissists.
2:22
[SPEAKER_00]: That's why we share our stories.
2:24
[SPEAKER_00]: That's why I cover everything on this episode about the mind, the body, the food, recovery, like everything.
2:31
[SPEAKER_00]: we need to find that balance.
2:32
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you don't, the struggle will continue on.
2:35
[SPEAKER_00]: And for many people, they get stuck in their like,
2:39
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know why this isn't happening.
2:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know why this weight isn't coming off.
2:43
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know why I'm struggling to lose this last 10 pounds.
2:48
[SPEAKER_00]: What's going on, and so many times when I take people through coaching, it's like, yes, you're showing up with a gym, you're trying to eat, right?
2:56
[SPEAKER_00]: But this area of your life, it's just filled with just gunk and shit and things that you need to.
3:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Start moving because it will impact you.
3:05
[SPEAKER_00]: If you have cortisol dumping over here continuously, maybe it's just a dump here on the weekend A dump here because of a fight a dump here because you're massively stretched or it's just a drip drip drip drip because it's continuously just eating away at you in your life
3:23
[SPEAKER_00]: That's going to create a problem over here while you're like why aren't I putting muscle?
3:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Why isn't this fat coming off?
3:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Why aren't I sleeping better?
3:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Why can't I lift my arm over my head?
3:32
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, many people I've had that happen to where they're like my shoulders locked up.
3:35
[SPEAKER_00]: I had these injuries.
3:37
[SPEAKER_00]: And then when they start working through other areas of their life, they're like, oh my god, I have range of motion in my shoulder back.
3:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Or, and it's not even like releasing areas of real life and cleaning everything up, it's just like talking about it.
3:50
[SPEAKER_00]: And they're like, oh my God, I said all the things not finally free, their back pain goes away.
3:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I know the sounds all like Ruru and, you know, whoa, like most has lost it and stopped, but I'm telling you, all of the areas of your life come together and they impact your health and fitness journey.
4:07
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you are someone who is struggling with this, and you're like, I don't have a narcissist in my life, but my relationships kind of shit, I'm not moving forward, maybe you're not going to the gym or maybe you are going to the gym and you're not seeing results.
4:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Like whatever that looks like, if you're just like sick and tired of that, get help.
4:26
[SPEAKER_00]: We are wrapping up summer kids are going back to school.
4:30
[SPEAKER_00]: It's time to get back to you.
4:33
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to put a link in the show notes, we are going to launch a back-to-school back-to-you 14-day cleanup work with me brand new workouts.
4:46
[SPEAKER_00]: You get access to my app 14 days, 14 days, get your life cleaned up.
4:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Getting back to school, getting back to everything, and take a minute, 14 days to take a look at what is going on in your life.
4:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Can I start showing up?
5:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Will I commit to this?
5:01
[SPEAKER_00]: What does this look like?
5:02
[SPEAKER_00]: And I guarantee you at the end of those 14 days if you stick with it, you will have such an insight of like, this needs to get fixed.
5:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I need to keep working on this.
5:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And holy crap, I feel good because I have like nine salad workouts done.
5:15
[SPEAKER_00]: think about that.
5:16
[SPEAKER_00]: So go to the show notes, look for our back to school back to you, fit body method, program that is going to be starting August 31st.
5:23
[SPEAKER_00]: We cannot wait.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm looking forward to it.
5:27
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's going to be all new brand workouts.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So if you've ever worked out with me before, if you've ever done the fit body method before, no, that's all nail and all new.
5:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Now with that being said, today's guest is Melissa Rimer.
5:41
[SPEAKER_00]: She too wants you to live your best life ever, and she is a narcissistic abuse survivor turned advocate.
5:50
[SPEAKER_00]: She's a certified recovery coach and certified divorce coach who helps victims escape manipulation and rebuild their future.
5:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, she
6:02
[SPEAKER_00]: helps you understand that sometimes the person you loved most was quietly destroying your life.
6:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, this is who she works with.
6:12
[SPEAKER_00]: What if that's happening?
6:14
[SPEAKER_00]: What if the person that you're like, I love you the most and you're just what's love me the most, destroying me.
6:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, this is slowly eating away.
6:21
[SPEAKER_00]: She's not only a survivor, but she turned her story into the victim to warrior method that has reached women across the globe.
6:30
[SPEAKER_00]: She's a certified recovery and divorce coach, author, seven books.
6:33
[SPEAKER_00]: She's the creator of the warrior app, which we talk about.
6:36
[SPEAKER_00]: You guys have to check that out.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and the Warrior Ways program for life after abuse and today she helps victim to escape abuse, outsmart, toxic partners in court and reclaim joyful, grounded, faith, anchored lives.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Melissa's incredible.
6:51
[SPEAKER_00]: You guys wait to hear about this app, she says it's like healing in your pocket.
6:55
[SPEAKER_00]: They also have a seven day free reset.
6:59
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like a warrior wellness reset.
7:00
[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to put links to that into the show notes and then also, she has a free question here.
7:06
[SPEAKER_00]: If you are listening to this, and this is really important, you guys, and we talk about this near the end, if you are someone who's like, I don't know, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, but I can't relate to everything that you and Melissa said today.
7:19
[SPEAKER_00]: But I have questions now, take this questionnaire and answer it as truthfully as possible, because it's going to take
7:27
[SPEAKER_00]: everything.
7:29
[SPEAKER_00]: It's going to take all of the information that you give them and being honest about the relationship with the person that you're in and they're going to give you a score and it's going to help you see like and she I think she said it's out of like 75 and if that number is higher that's going to kind of let you know like you're dealing with a true narcissist this isn't just traits that like therapy can fix but you have to answer honestly and this is a free resource that we're going to put in the show notes for you guys.
7:54
[SPEAKER_00]: So lots of show notes stuff.
7:56
[SPEAKER_00]: It's gonna be filled for just for help for you.
7:59
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, everyone.
8:00
[SPEAKER_00]: As always, rate and review this podcast.
8:02
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're like, oh my god, I've never hit five stars.
8:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Now is the time and leave a review, please.
8:07
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like leaving us a huge tip in the tip jar on all platforms.
8:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Spotify, Amazon, YouTube, like we love comments.
8:12
[SPEAKER_00]: We love everything.
8:13
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, everyone.
8:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Enjoy the show.
8:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey everyone, and welcome back to the Bob Live podcast today.
8:19
[SPEAKER_00]: We have Melissa, Rimer, and welcome to the show Melissa.
8:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you, Melissa.
8:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Please be well.
8:25
[SPEAKER_01]: That's up each other's LinkedIn.
8:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, people are like, which Melissa is talking?
8:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Sadly, Melissa, this is like perfect timing.
8:34
[SPEAKER_00]: When you came across my desk to have you on the show,
8:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, it was so like meant to be and we always work with interview Valle so shout out to interview Valle we we love them and we have just most and I were just talking about that you guys before we hit record of the episodes that have just come out.
8:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Part one, part two, and part three, all about my journey and honestly realizing for the first time in life even what a narcissist was I didn't know and then Melissa came along and Melissa you are a narcissist abuse recovery Expert certified divorce and recovery coach like who even knew that we needed recovery coaches like our people that bad and out there nowadays that like we need help to recover from them.
9:22
[SPEAKER_01]: We actually do because once you discover what you've actually been through because that's the biggest part because you don't fall in love with the abuse or you fall in love with this person who disguises as somebody that you could stand across in your life with and it's all it's sad because it's deliberate they actually choose people for a reason and you have something they want.
9:51
[SPEAKER_01]: They, for once, look at you, listen to you talk to you, act like they're really into what you're doing, and what you're saying.
9:59
[SPEAKER_01]: That's how they make us believe.
10:02
[SPEAKER_01]: It's true.
10:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Why wouldn't we?
10:04
[SPEAKER_01]: What in human brain would make you think someone's deliberately betraying you, lying to you, lowering you in, making you think it's a fairy tale.
10:13
[SPEAKER_01]: They're your soul mate.
10:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And once you're in and you're all in, because your brain has fallen in love with that person, your body soul everything is in love with this person, then things start to think.
10:24
[SPEAKER_01]: But you don't realize it's a shift.
10:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
10:27
[SPEAKER_01]: It's so.
10:29
[SPEAKER_00]: She said that's hard to hear like I want to believe I don't want to believe that like I went on like a date with someone and they were like this person she's got this I want this I'm essentially going to use her like I like to think and believe you know I'm just playing devil's advocate but I really like I think believe that we met and it was like oh my god she's really cool and like I think I love her and then this just came out inside of them.
10:58
[SPEAKER_01]: But can't we just say that we could pretend to be that, because that's what we say to ourselves, we say ourselves, they change something is wrong, something is causing this.
11:11
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not doing something right.
11:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe if I did this or if I let me just try to keep the piece, I won't hit that button because it upsets them when you start thinking about it in your mind because we block a lot of stuff out in our mind when we're going more in survival, basically because you're you're in disbelief, you don't know what you're dealing with you don't know who you're dealing with really because that mask.
11:33
[SPEAKER_01]: comes on in front of other people and outside the relationship and you're like, oh, they're that, they are, but then behind closed doors, the mask comes back off and they shift.
11:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And you, you're left wondering, what happened?
11:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I thought we had a good time out.
11:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I thought this was a good event or whatever.
11:51
[SPEAKER_01]: And they start tearing apart things.
11:53
[SPEAKER_01]: You talked to somebody too long.
11:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Why do you wear that?
11:56
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, why do you say that's that stupid thing?
11:59
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, they start
12:03
[SPEAKER_01]: here down, piece by piece, by things that they loved about you, all of a sudden now are annoying to them.
12:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And so it's by design because when you think about being a love with someone and that person was just all so into you and the compliments they treated you.
12:22
[SPEAKER_01]: So I mean, I literally was like on a pedestal with my ass husband and people would say, I mean, you're so lucky,
12:31
[SPEAKER_01]: But the same things that he seemed to adore, seemed to start anointing him, you know.
12:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you know I can fit in as you're very fit, I was, I loved fitness.
12:42
[SPEAKER_01]: I worked out all the time.
12:44
[SPEAKER_01]: We went to the gym together.
12:45
[SPEAKER_01]: But all of the sudden that became a little bit of an issue.
12:49
[SPEAKER_01]: He didn't like what I was wearing.
12:50
[SPEAKER_01]: He didn't like how long I was staying.
12:51
[SPEAKER_01]: He was too tired.
12:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Why can't we work out at home?
12:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And so things start shifting, and what shifts is us.
13:00
[SPEAKER_01]: We start shifting to their requests and their personalities and their wants, and away from who we actually were when we first met them.
13:11
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, when you think about yourself, when you met him, you were somebody, when you finally left.
13:18
[SPEAKER_00]: who were you at that point, and I was so confused, like one of our last fights, like I didn't know what side was up and down.
13:29
[SPEAKER_00]: I remember thinking like, am I the problem?
13:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I think it's in the episode too because then I started thinking like maybe I'm just like this total bitch that just pisses men off like why maybe I need to look at this like maybe because he always would say like
13:50
[SPEAKER_00]: what's that word projecting?
13:51
[SPEAKER_00]: It always be like oh yeah are you sure you're not projecting your feelings on to me and this is how you really feel and I'm like oh my god maybe I am.
14:02
[SPEAKER_00]: Is that normal?
14:05
[SPEAKER_01]: It's gaslighting.
14:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean and gaslighting.
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[SPEAKER_01]: is a toxic mind game, but it makes you doubt your own reality.
14:12
[SPEAKER_01]: It really does because they are so convincing.
14:16
[SPEAKER_01]: They are so convincing because whenever you bring up something that might hurt your feelings or seem to offhand it, the response is not, man, I'm really sorry.
14:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't really mean.
14:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't mean for you to feel that way.
14:31
[SPEAKER_01]: It's
14:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, if you wouldn't be so insecure, or if you wouldn't be, you know, so nitpicky about that, or if you wouldn't act, I wouldn't react that way.
14:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I'll send you right, and am I jealous?
14:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Am I on security and think of it?
14:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I thought I was pretty confident.
14:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And you start questioning because of the way they say it.
14:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And those subtle little digs start turning into more aggressive digs.
14:56
[SPEAKER_01]: where then you were, you didn't want to bring up certain topics because you know it's going to start a fight.
15:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Why can't you bring up topics in a relationship?
15:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Why can't you have a conversation?
15:06
[SPEAKER_01]: to the point, there is no such thing as a conversation.
15:09
[SPEAKER_01]: It's them telling you the situation you basically not having any time at all or any of it, they won't allow you to get your feelings across.
15:21
[SPEAKER_01]: They shut those feelings down and just what you just said project, they literally are tefwan.
15:27
[SPEAKER_01]: literally push everything back onto you.
15:30
[SPEAKER_00]: What if the response isn't so much like how you were describing what if the response from them when you ask a question or bring something up or tell them how you feel it's more like
15:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, they take it personal and then they, you know, like, we really hurt my feelings when you said this and, you know, I just feel like you do that and then like, so I'm just failing you.
15:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, so I'm trying to think of examples and my mind is a different type of a, that's a cohort.
16:04
[SPEAKER_01]: which is a grandiose person that the bigger than lies charismatic everyone loves and they're confident they're they're just they're successful everything about them just that's why people when they see a person like that they're like wow they're bigger than life and they're like a hard worker and a go get her in
16:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and everyone's going to love them.
16:24
[SPEAKER_01]: They're so, you know, all the, but then behind closed doors, that person goes away and the insecure person who's pretending to be that shows up for the victim.
16:34
[SPEAKER_01]: That's who I was married to.
16:36
[SPEAKER_01]: your person, if he plays the victim, is a covert narcissist.
16:40
[SPEAKER_01]: That's somebody that's always victimized.
16:43
[SPEAKER_01]: They're always the one in pain.
16:45
[SPEAKER_01]: They always want the attention back onto themselves because they're the wounded person in this situation.
16:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Even if they, their action caused you to be either wounded and salted,
16:55
[SPEAKER_01]: concerned when you voice that all the sudden it's like, oh, I can't do anything right, can't I?
17:01
[SPEAKER_01]: You're always tearing me down.
17:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Nothing I do is right.
17:04
[SPEAKER_01]: You're, you know, go, fine, you're right, you're, I'm wrong.
17:07
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm the bad guy.
17:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm awful, you're perfect.
17:10
[SPEAKER_01]: And so then you are feeling bad about, well, maybe God, there really is, to maybe I need to be more cautious about what I say.
17:18
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a different, it's a different shift.
17:20
[SPEAKER_01]: But someone that plays the victim,
17:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, always somehow no matter what is done, they do not accept responsibility.
17:30
[SPEAKER_01]: They lie a lot.
17:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Their actions are words never aligned.
17:32
[SPEAKER_01]: But whatever you say to defend your position becomes an attack on them.
17:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and it always turns into a fight.
17:42
[SPEAKER_00]: It, and so then you become scared to share how you actually feel like you're like, oh man, you know, like what they said or hurt my feelings or I disagree with you.
17:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Like it's okay to disagree with things and you share it like, no, I don't don't agree with the same thing and it would just become pooled like we are budding heads.
18:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Not okay.
18:02
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, tell me how you feel.
18:03
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, like, okay, I want to hear more.
18:05
[SPEAKER_00]: I might not agree with you, but I still care what you say.
18:08
[SPEAKER_00]: Like that was never
18:11
[SPEAKER_00]: it was it was always like if I shared how I felt it was going to turn into a battle.
18:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
18:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you think about it, it doesn't even matter what you share.
18:20
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like right there goal is to argue their goal is to somehow argue that the sky is not green today or not blue today, but it's black or yellow and it's green and you're you're out there with a camera filming it and bringing them back and then they're we have a still target camera.
18:37
[SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't matter what you say it doesn't matter the proof that you have.
18:41
[SPEAKER_01]: they are literally in it to be right, even though they know they're not, it doesn't matter.
18:46
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a control thing.
18:47
[SPEAKER_01]: The whole thing is a control whether it's playing the victim or it's bullying and intimidating or threatening or weaponizing.
18:58
[SPEAKER_01]: It's the same control mechanism.
19:00
[SPEAKER_01]: They are taking a person and they are controlling that person's life to the benefit of themselves.
19:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Even though it resulted in these fights, eventually you were the one saying, well, I'm not going to talk about that again, because he's obviously sensitive or hurt or feelings, right?
19:18
[SPEAKER_01]: So he removed that your opinion of that situation from the relationship.
19:24
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like there's a complete lack of empathy.
19:28
[SPEAKER_01]: There's none.
19:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, none.
19:30
[SPEAKER_01]: that.
19:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, when how did he say was sorry and really mean that it was not just, well, I'm sorry, and then it follows up with a butt, you know, the additional power to, well, I'm sorry, but if you wouldn't have done that, then I wouldn't have done that.
19:45
[SPEAKER_01]: That's right, apologize.
19:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, or the sorry came like 48 hours later, you know, what if the apology comes way later than it's like,
19:55
[SPEAKER_00]: But that doesn't even count.
19:57
[SPEAKER_00]: But empathy is a huge part of being a human, I feel, to be able to stop and step back and be like, okay, what is this person going through?
20:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to have some understanding whether that's your partner, the person on the street, the person almost ruined, and did you like hold on.
20:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Let me just see how they feel, how I feel, I feel like it's just gone.
20:19
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just not there.
20:27
[SPEAKER_01]: and people have the narcissistic traits, you know, some people have the narcissistic... That's when I was getting a mask.
20:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Or there's lovely...
20:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Some people have an annoying trait.
20:33
[SPEAKER_01]: We all have some annoying traits.
20:34
[SPEAKER_01]: We all have some narcissistic traits.
20:36
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, depending on the basis of COVID, if you got any go-of-your-type A personality, you know, we carry some of that baggage.
20:42
[SPEAKER_01]: But a narcissist, a train narcissist, and they don't go and get help and get diagnosed.
20:47
[SPEAKER_01]: They basically are either flying forced into treatment, either ranged, you know,
20:56
[SPEAKER_01]: They're forced into therapy and then the diagnosis comes in a forced situation based on how they are with the therapist, but they'll lie to the therapist.
21:04
[SPEAKER_01]: That was going to say yeah, they're telling their own story there anyways.
21:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, they will.
21:08
[SPEAKER_01]: They they definitely will lie and if you go with them thinking that you can save the relationship Lord, you'll be in for it too.
21:14
[SPEAKER_01]: that's in the state.
21:15
[SPEAKER_01]: But they don't have the gene.
21:17
[SPEAKER_01]: They just don't, it's either DNA or it's environmental.
21:20
[SPEAKER_01]: So I don't know what his family life was like, whether or not he's a strange from his family.
21:25
[SPEAKER_01]: He just told you about how horrible it was, they're abusive.
21:29
[SPEAKER_01]: And you don't ever know if their story is true or not, if they don't have a relationship with their family, because you can never
21:40
[SPEAKER_01]: mine came from a great he had a great mom a great dad a great brother he was the one that was the problem and and he's a sociopath I mean sociopath narcissists a very scary person and very charming I mean is that right not that so have killed him not every sociopath not every
22:08
[SPEAKER_01]: generally speaking, those sociopaths and narcissists combination are serial killers, Ted Bundy, they're, you know, they're, yes, they, they want to purposely inflate paint.
22:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And narcissists has no, they basically have no feeling they could watch he burn on fire and they would look and say, man, that looks painful, but they can't feel that, like we would or, oh, man, I really pressed their feelings.
22:31
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want, I don't want to do that.
22:36
[SPEAKER_01]: They don't.
22:37
[SPEAKER_01]: They cannot feel that.
22:40
[SPEAKER_01]: A sociopath, not only has that, but they like to inflict pain.
22:45
[SPEAKER_01]: They get a joy out of inflicting pain, purposely hurting, purposely hurting, going out of the way too hard of you or something.
22:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And narcissists to trace, you know, although annoying, you know, it's whether or not you can deal with them.
23:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, how annoying are they, you know, how
23:06
[SPEAKER_01]: How much comes into the relationship where you have to constantly change who you are or what you say, then it becomes a relationship that's 100% draining your tanks empty their tanks full your empty, you know, and that's generally what happens.
23:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Can can they change I because I got to believe that there's going to be lists women women and men listening to this and going.
23:30
[SPEAKER_00]: God, you are describing my husband or my wife or my partner, my boyfriend, girlfriend, and I see these traits.
23:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if there are full on what you guys are describing, but I see these traits.
23:44
[SPEAKER_00]: And yes, it's impacting me.
23:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Can they change?
23:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, what if we get him into some therapy?
23:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, can they change?
23:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Is there hope or is this just who they are?
23:55
[SPEAKER_00]: And I have to
23:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I have many, many clients that are in all different phases of that.
24:05
[SPEAKER_01]: They are a true narcissist.
24:07
[SPEAKER_01]: They will not change.
24:08
[SPEAKER_01]: They will become a chameleon for whatever the situation calls for to get whatever they want.
24:14
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, they eventually can it's almost like somebody an actor that they're they're on set.
24:21
[SPEAKER_01]: They're this character and they're that character.
24:23
[SPEAKER_01]: The whole time they're on the movie set, but they can't be that character all the time, but it's not who they are.
24:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So when they're in, you know, in their own homes or whatever, they can take that character off and be who they are.
24:37
[SPEAKER_01]: That is a narcissist or a true.
24:39
[SPEAKER_01]: DNA narcissists, they are this character, depending on where they are on their life, who they're with, who they're in front of, when they go home and which is why the victim gets the run of this, they have to take that mask off and they have to become who they really are, which then they can involve resentment, it can anger, drinking addiction, all kinds of things to mask,
25:07
[SPEAKER_01]: this effort, it took to be this other person to be light, to have this great job.
25:12
[SPEAKER_01]: You're saying the narcissist comes home and drinks, gets high, and takes the mask off and becomes who they really are.
25:20
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's why the person with them sees such the ugly side.
25:25
[SPEAKER_01]: We're the ones that because you can't be that actor all the time.
25:29
[SPEAKER_01]: There has to be a
25:35
[SPEAKER_01]: and you become who you really are, and that's when we start seeing the mass start coming off.
25:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And when I call it, it's the monster beneath the mass because it's shocking to the victim who has fallen in love with that person on the outside.
25:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Now they're with that person in marriage, children, home life, and they see this ugly side of this person that no one else sees
26:05
[SPEAKER_01]: because they want to be like, they want to be cherished, or they want to be victimized, they want to have the tension.
26:10
[SPEAKER_01]: All of those things, because the camp can produce any of those emotions themselves, so they're getting their hit of heroin from a human, front of the other people around them.
26:22
[SPEAKER_01]: If someone is a true narcissist, they cannot change.
26:25
[SPEAKER_01]: They can't physically change who they are.
26:28
[SPEAKER_01]: They can
26:29
[SPEAKER_01]: try they can go to therapy, they can get on Xannat or whatever, but the minute they get higher of faking, not being who they really are, that's going to come off.
26:43
[SPEAKER_01]: They cannot sustain it.
26:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, some of them with traits, somebody with narcissistic traits, who actually fills in but who can, they might be, you know, a dick or what's part of me, they just may be, you know,
26:56
[SPEAKER_01]: that type of person, but they actually when they see their grandkids cry or their dog gets hurt, they actually demonstrate her feelings, they hurt, they feel bad.
27:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Those people actually have hope if they want to change.
27:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I am clients that I'm my coaching is teaching them how to cope with that person's behavior because they don't want to get a divorce.
27:22
[SPEAKER_01]: They can't get a divorce.
27:26
[SPEAKER_01]: It's yes, it's negatively affected their life for years.
27:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's boundary setting.
27:31
[SPEAKER_01]: It's gray wrapping.
27:32
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, it's basically not engaging when this person wants you to engage and tear you down and rip you apart.
27:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Leave you in a puddle.
27:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Does the partner know?
27:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Do they know you're working with their partner to be able to cope to live with them?
27:47
[SPEAKER_01]: No, most of the time they don't know now, most of the time they don't, most of the time, it's horrible.
27:54
[SPEAKER_01]: It is horrible because you're never going to fully escape the pain that you're going through with that person unless you leave them, but sometimes it's not an option.
28:03
[SPEAKER_01]: So I know kids sometimes they control the sign.
28:05
[SPEAKER_01]: It's as most of the time they do.
28:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And so keeping your sanity is the only way to cope with it.
28:13
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's, yes, it takes a lot of strength, a lot of boundaries, a lot of deactivation, non-engagement, which does tick the narcissist off.
28:25
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's very difficult to argue with someone who's not going to argue back, or who's not going to give them that emotional rush that they're seeking.
28:36
[SPEAKER_01]: All right, that's what we call it gray rock, very right method.
28:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
28:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that financial part.
28:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Does that had just like, that's like a plan to kind of like,
28:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
28:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Not a plant thing.
28:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I just like growing up.
28:49
[SPEAKER_00]: I remember that because I have big shocker.
28:53
[SPEAKER_00]: What I experienced in childhood followed me along and do adulthood.
28:58
[SPEAKER_00]: I just remember, you know, like, there was no out because there was no money.
29:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, there was an option.
29:05
[SPEAKER_00]: There was no way to do that.
29:07
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's that's pretty normal, huh?
29:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Pretty common to like,
29:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, most abuse involves financial abuse, even in my situation, because I was in the finance industry before I retired, like 40 years.
29:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I took very well.
29:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I was an executive.
29:24
[SPEAKER_01]: I had my own house, car, money, you know, pinch all of it.
29:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I was, I did really well.
29:30
[SPEAKER_01]: They were very good to me.
29:31
[SPEAKER_01]: So I was very independent financially.
29:36
[SPEAKER_01]: he appeared to be very independent financially as well, business owner, entrepreneur, all of it was lies, when I, man, I mean, you know, big lake cows, you know, it was in foreclosure, he had a squatter living there, he said it was his, it just the stories, the young stole from a neighbor who died.
29:57
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it was just all, it was these, the lifetime movie situation.
30:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So, what you would
30:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Who could possibly think someone would be faking all of that, but they are, they are until the next situation comes around.
30:16
[SPEAKER_01]: victims or whatever, and that's why I say they, they do choose wisely.
30:22
[SPEAKER_01]: They, if they're with someone that can't give them something status, um, maybe just a beautiful person on their own.
30:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So they look like they have status.
30:31
[SPEAKER_01]: So they are impressive.
30:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And outside world, maybe it's your, your family, maybe it's your, um, your, um, your, um, career, that
30:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And you know what, normally that part of it is very, very, the chemistry, it's, it's explosive, because they have no, they have no boundaries, you know, so it is almost like a free life, it's like wow, you know,
31:00
[SPEAKER_00]: But more, tell me more about the financial abuse part.
31:04
[SPEAKER_00]: So people listening, I almost said women, and I gotta be careful that, because it's not just women.
31:09
[SPEAKER_00]: It's both sexes.
31:14
[SPEAKER_00]: How do you know if you're being financially abused?
31:16
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I realize that sounds like such a stupid question.
31:19
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not.
31:20
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't,
31:23
[SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't have very gradual, we do a lot of videos on our social channels because reenacting what it actually looks like because I call it invisible abuse.
31:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Most of the time it does it doesn't involve physical sometimes it does it gets to ours my got to physical, but it was more of a me just trying to escape then it then it being police bruises and all of this it's.
31:50
[SPEAKER_01]: The financial abuse starts.
31:52
[SPEAKER_01]: very small.
31:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Like if you are married, you both were, it'll eventually be, well, I'm, you know, I make more money.
32:00
[SPEAKER_01]: So why don't you let me control our finances?
32:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I have been, you know, I can invest better.
32:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll make sure our retirement set up.
32:09
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, you can work less hours or, you know, your job's really demanding and I really think you should spend more time, you know,
32:18
[SPEAKER_01]: is there why don't you take a lesser pair to I can make up the difference.
32:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I can pay our bills.
32:24
[SPEAKER_01]: All right, then you might make a career switch.
32:26
[SPEAKER_01]: You might say okay well that makes sense or you know what I'd really love to start our family.
32:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Why don't you you know be the homemaker I will support us.
32:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Right in that big awesome rule.
32:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And then on the sudden you're access to the money now becomes well, you know what you're kind of reckless with money.
32:46
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think we really need to be on a budget.
32:49
[SPEAKER_01]: So this is your years of debit card or here's your credit card.
32:53
[SPEAKER_01]: And this is the limit and or I want you to talk to me before you buy anything that I'll decide if we need it or you go and chill up your tank with gas and your credit cards denied you call them and it's like, well, you know, I don't know in the pays the bills, maybe you shouldn't have said that yesterday and I wouldn't have taken your access away.
33:13
[SPEAKER_01]: your stuck at the gas station.
33:14
[SPEAKER_01]: These are real stories I'm telling you with my clients.
33:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I know they seem to like our listeners, they seem so far off like I'm sure people are listening going like, oh my God, I would never let that happen.
33:24
[SPEAKER_00]: I tell them just go fuck off or you know, like if you did that to me, you say that, sure.
33:29
[SPEAKER_01]: And then all of a sudden, it's like a fight.
33:32
[SPEAKER_01]: It's who it's they can outlast you with the fight.
33:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
33:35
[SPEAKER_01]: With line, I mean, he would want he wanted to control my investment account.
33:40
[SPEAKER_01]: He wanted to be a day trader.
33:43
[SPEAKER_01]: The red flag, we already married.
33:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, we were already married.
33:47
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I didn't know about the Lake House for closure.
33:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I thought he stole the property.
33:50
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, there's all these things that happened that I learned out later, which is now, you know, hindsight, you know, is always like we say 2020.
33:57
[SPEAKER_01]: But the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
34:01
[SPEAKER_01]: them taking away the access.
34:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Unless it's your money, even if it's your money, I don't clients, it's all their money.
34:10
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's the little things.
34:12
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I really want to invest in this business.
34:14
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, it'll be for our future.
34:17
[SPEAKER_01]: If you lend me, you know, and I did this.
34:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And you win me a hundred thousand dollars.
34:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I will, I'm going to start this franchise.
34:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I've already got these doctors who want to buy it.
34:25
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, we'll be 50, 50 partners.
34:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, well, I've got a big corporate job.
34:29
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll I'll invest, but I don't want to think God, I said that.
34:31
[SPEAKER_01]: St. God, he didn't sign any, you know, like partnership documents.
34:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Because it was a big fraud scheme.
34:36
[SPEAKER_01]: But I lent him a hundred thousand dollars.
34:39
[SPEAKER_01]: That's gone.
34:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Went.
34:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Bye.
34:41
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, because it was a fraudulent business, I never in a million years, how could you remind things that you can't you're not, you know, you're not the crystal ball.
34:50
[SPEAKER_01]: So you're like, that sounds like a great opportunity.
34:53
[SPEAKER_01]: That would be great for our future.
34:55
[SPEAKER_01]: So even if you're the one with the money, you can still end up in that situation, because you're believing the person you're in love with or that married.
35:04
[SPEAKER_00]: You love them.
35:04
[SPEAKER_00]: They're not going to hurt you.
35:05
[SPEAKER_00]: They're not going to take advantage of you.
35:07
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
35:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, never do that on purpose.
35:09
[SPEAKER_01]: They're because never have a deliberate plan.
35:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
35:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, I have them, you know, and I hold them like on a pedestal.
35:16
[SPEAKER_00]: So they must be holding me on a pedestal.
35:18
[SPEAKER_00]: And I have their best interest at heart.
35:20
[SPEAKER_00]: So they must have my best.
35:22
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is so not true.
35:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you piss them off that flip switches and you're done.
35:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and it's it's the sad part is when when like I said, when the loss of control starts happening, it's very gradual and there might there might be a fight like you might.
35:41
[SPEAKER_01]: see a bank statement and you're like, why didn't we banked it, you know, well, sparkle.
35:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I thought we only banked it.
35:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Chase.
35:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And then the narcissists, like, well, you know, I thought we needed to diversify what you don't trust me.
35:53
[SPEAKER_01]: This is far future.
35:54
[SPEAKER_01]: What we should have all the money in one location.
35:57
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, you know, you're on the signature card, you know, and you're like, I don't remember, so I need that.
36:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it's little things like that.
36:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And then all of a sudden, you know, yours down, you're like,
36:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, all the money we had is no longer a chase, it's now in a Wells Fargo and somebody else's name and then we're into for, you know, forensic accounting and trying to track the money down, you know, it's, it's, it doesn't happen in a blank, it happens gradually, but what I would caution your audience when, when things that they're wanting to do, if it's financial or whatever, that,
36:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Sit uncomfortable with you.
36:36
[SPEAKER_01]: It's uncomfortable.
36:37
[SPEAKER_01]: You're not really comfortable about it.
36:39
[SPEAKER_01]: You want to talk more about it.
36:40
[SPEAKER_01]: You'd like to, you know, maybe at least have the online access or see the statements, if that becomes an argument or a pushback or well, you don't trust me or you know, you're really not that great with you need to write these things down because your brain will forget them.
36:58
[SPEAKER_01]: your brain will, you'll be like, it's not worth it.
37:00
[SPEAKER_01]: I got to pick the kids up or, oh yeah, fine, job.
37:03
[SPEAKER_01]: What do you get in that argument?
37:04
[SPEAKER_01]: When you start writing these things down, that's when the red flags start accumulating and you're not going to the abuse and the survival mode kicks in, you don't remember things until a long way into the future.
37:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, like, oh, it's really forgot that.
37:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
37:21
[SPEAKER_00]: So and okay.
37:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm really curious is to what your response is going to be on this.
37:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Where does how do you see faith playing a role in this and religion?
37:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I grew up very Catholic and when I was getting divorced and when I was leaving the marriage
37:45
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, everyone came back at me and was like, you're breaking your bows and you are to stay there no matter what.
37:52
[SPEAKER_00]: And I just always remember thinking like, you have no idea what I'm going through and what I'm living with.
37:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And I can see a know that this will never change.
38:03
[SPEAKER_00]: He can improve in all other areas and over here, whatever, but like this right here, this isn't going to change.
38:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and I was like, but you took vows and I, I just saw how like I was to honor my husband and like be there and be the disobedient.
38:21
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I just, it makes me think of like religion and how it's, yeah, no offense to religion and you're super religious and listen to this whatever, but, you know, I just see how much it's still like you get married.
38:35
[SPEAKER_00]: He is the breadwinner you listen, you don't question, you follow your job is in the home like do you see this playing role still like I don't know, I guess.
38:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Especially, and I do, religion is weaponized, and I hate to say that, because I'm a Christian, and you know, but he weaponized my religion, because what I made him in church, you know, yeah, so if you can believe that, you know, in a small group, but he used that,
39:02
[SPEAKER_01]: that religion against me, because when I wanted a divorce, he said, well, that's against our vows.
39:09
[SPEAKER_01]: So you're telling God that it meant nothing, standing before God taking our vows, you can't stick it out through the hard times.
39:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's like, when you think about, no, I'm not talking about more times.
39:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm talking about impossible times that this is like life threatening times.
39:25
[SPEAKER_01]: No, I can't be through that.
39:27
[SPEAKER_01]: God said to honor your wife, honor your wife,
39:31
[SPEAKER_01]: not abuse your wife, not torment your wife, not treat your wife like a slave and abuse her, or abuse him, honor your partner.
39:41
[SPEAKER_01]: So when when when I have people that are in it's and I hate to say this because I grew up Roman Catholic as well, that religion is very, very,
39:54
[SPEAKER_01]: But what I've talked to two clients, I basically said, you know what, if you do not want to get a divorce because your religion, you do not have to stay in that.
40:04
[SPEAKER_01]: You could get separated and live separately.
40:07
[SPEAKER_01]: You'll just be married forever.
40:09
[SPEAKER_01]: If that's in your head.
40:22
[SPEAKER_01]: they live separately from their spouse because they absolutely cannot, they think it's a mortal sin, even though they were abused horribly and I've given them all the passages of, you know, why don't you take this back and and show, you know, you're.
40:37
[SPEAKER_01]: man should honor his wife, you know, not abuse her.
40:40
[SPEAKER_01]: So, but it does, it's not often, but I do have a couple that they just would not do the divorce, but they did separate, they did, they'd love their own life now, where you abuse, but they're still married to that person, but they're older, you know, older.
40:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
40:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
40:55
[SPEAKER_00]: your job must be just wild like what you see because you're like you're a recovery coach so you see the people that are trying to recover like completely they've gotten away now they're like oh my god you know like what happened to my life because I was in relationship with this person and you help them recover and then like we're finding out now too that you help people that are like we're just finding a way to like live and get through this but your
41:24
[SPEAKER_00]: must be wild in what you see.
41:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, how do you even stay calm?
41:29
[SPEAKER_00]: You must be like, Rosa, like, all the time, like, just breathe because you can relate.
41:36
[SPEAKER_00]: So, yeah, what they're doing.
41:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think for you, yeah, they're triggering because the terror and the pain and the
41:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Just the overwhelm when I was going through it because I didn't see a word to anyone I mean, I had this big job.
41:53
[SPEAKER_01]: I kept a facade on I was I slated I hit it.
41:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I lied about it.
41:57
[SPEAKER_01]: I, you know, I saw how we do that like we have no one knows like what we were going through Yeah, and then our music what do you mean he seems so great?
42:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Exactly.
42:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Exactly.
42:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And then when you when you finally unload, I mean, they're like, well, I can't believe you state that long.
42:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's like, don't please don't say that to anyone, right?
42:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Because they don't know what you're going through.
42:17
[SPEAKER_01]: They don't know that the first year or the second year were really great.
42:21
[SPEAKER_01]: You're like, this is, I mean, they were things that there were things.
42:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, things, but not enough to to make a break a relationship.
42:29
[SPEAKER_01]: But those things start piling on top and
42:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Then it becomes more than just, well, I'm just going to leave.
42:38
[SPEAKER_01]: When I told him, I finally wanted to leave.
42:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I was not prepared for that, but because I just said, I'm done.
42:45
[SPEAKER_01]: I can't, I'm, I'm, I'm divorcing you and we were in my house.
42:50
[SPEAKER_01]: I am dead.
42:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I bought it and we were sitting on my four-year and he said, he started laughing because he was crying about how I had heard his feelings on something.
42:59
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was just like,
43:01
[SPEAKER_01]: I can't live through this anymore.
43:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I want to divorce.
43:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I want to divorce.
43:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I went out and he just he stopped crying fake crying and he started laughing.
43:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, she hit demonically laughing.
43:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, and I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a screeching mess.
43:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And he said, All right, he goes, we'll pack your bags and get that F out.
43:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I want to sweating my bags.
43:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Pack my bags and get the F out.
43:23
[SPEAKER_01]: This is my house.
43:24
[SPEAKER_01]: He went, well, I'm not the one that wants to divorce.
43:27
[SPEAKER_01]: You do.
43:28
[SPEAKER_01]: When you're married, you can't just keep the other person out, unless there's violence and the police are called, you know, that.
43:36
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm like, wait, what?
43:39
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I'm like, wait, what kind of game is this?
43:42
[SPEAKER_01]: I had no idea.
43:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And that impact, that lack of empathy, where they can turn that off, just dial it right off.
43:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And I went, I'm in trouble here.
43:59
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm in big trouble here.
44:00
[SPEAKER_01]: What happened next?
44:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, the sad part about it is, is it did turn violent, it turned violent that day.
44:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Not that day because I just slammed the door and locked myself in my room because I thought I didn't expect that.
44:16
[SPEAKER_01]: So this is not tomorrow will have a conversation because this is more miserable and, you know, he he was ever covering alcohol like it he's drinking again and so I'm like, I am, you know, we'll just we'll just deal with this tomorrow when he's set over.
44:30
[SPEAKER_01]: No, no, it just became
44:34
[SPEAKER_01]: worse.
44:34
[SPEAKER_01]: It became worse.
44:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, he, the things that he did after that, I did not see coming.
44:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I did not see coming and he knew he was losing you, right?
44:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
44:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, just his comfy lies.
44:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, all of it.
44:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
44:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
44:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
44:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
44:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
44:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
44:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And they did end up in violence.
44:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, he actually tried to throw me from like, on car.
44:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, while it was meeting, I was driving.
44:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Can you imagine
44:58
[SPEAKER_01]: talk about not not they could they have no fear that's the problem is they have no fear you're terrified they're getting off on it because they don't they have that they don't have the ability to have that fear so um you know I eventually it took me three years to get a divorce and I have a lifetime restraining motor against him but he the even as restraining order didn't keep him out he broke in my eyes he stole my dog I mean it's horrible yeah no one would
45:24
[SPEAKER_01]: My God, it literally was my life to get the dog back.
45:27
[SPEAKER_00]: So it was not your, you're like triggering memories for me right now.
45:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I just remembered something that, and I didn't share this.
45:36
[SPEAKER_00]: The laughing, I forgot about the laughing when when things were starting to de-escalate only because he was like gasped out and when he was like everything was happening.
45:52
[SPEAKER_00]: I was crying on the floor and he was taking the door and slamming an on me.
45:56
[SPEAKER_00]: I got my way in between the door and he was slamming an on me and someone had stopped it.
46:00
[SPEAKER_00]: So he couldn't.
46:02
[SPEAKER_00]: And I remember thinking, or maybe I said it like you're going to go to jail or like what are you doing?
46:07
[SPEAKER_00]: You're going to paper.
46:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, whatever was coming out of my babbling crying mouth at the time and he started laughing.
46:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I totally forgot about this Melissa.
46:15
[SPEAKER_00]: He started laughing and was like, I can't go to jail.
46:19
[SPEAKER_00]: I was not going to happen and just the laughing and I just remember thinking like what the fuck just happened in you I think like and who is this who is this demonic person doesn't just it's like you are a you are a hysterical mess
46:35
[SPEAKER_00]: And they're more black just now black and it's scary because really scary.
46:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I know women listening to this, and men, they're probably like, I mean, I get this I see this, but like that would never happen like my, my partner, my wife, my husband like, yeah, they're a dick, but like that would never happen.
46:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And I just, I'm sure you want to urge people to that like never say never.
47:03
[SPEAKER_01]: No, because when you when you find like when you come to the realization that this is not what you signed up for, you're not happy, you're miserable, you're, you know, you're giving up all your friends, you're just getting worse, that is being ruined by this person, you're, you're isolating yourself, you're so you've completely changed to you or you're, you know, I wasn't going to the gym, I mean, you would unplug my candle, the battery be dead because he didn't want me reading it night because it interfered with him trying to tell me about his day.
47:31
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, you know, and I had this big corporate job, I'm like, then I said, I would sit in my car on my way and I'd be like, please have a red, please let the clothes the highway down so I don't have to go home.
47:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Sad, I want to go home to my own home.
47:44
[SPEAKER_01]: It's so sad.
47:44
[SPEAKER_01]: It's okay, I got it.
47:46
[SPEAKER_01]: But when you get to the point where you're like, I, I'm not going to live this way.
47:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm too young.
47:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to live this way.
47:52
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to.
47:54
[SPEAKER_01]: I am not going to give up 100% of who I am or this other person who is now showing me just morsels and crumbs of affection and I'm settling for it.
48:05
[SPEAKER_01]: When you decide that you want to leave, that's when it becomes the most dangerous.
48:09
[SPEAKER_01]: It does because that's when so true.
48:13
[SPEAKER_01]: It is.
48:13
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's when they are desperate.
48:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's when, you know, your threats and you're,
48:23
[SPEAKER_01]: We threatened threatened threatened threatened because we're trying to fix we're hoping and praying that this person that we fell in love comes back and that whatever's wrong with them, you know can be fixed and they can see and they'll I don't want to lose you I don't want to lose this I'll do anything.
48:49
[SPEAKER_01]: That's when they get desperate, and that's when they start doing things to make you not leave, to make you not in the relationship, and that because very threatening, very bullying, very coercive control, right?
49:02
[SPEAKER_01]: People again use mirror campaigns.
49:05
[SPEAKER_01]: all of the people about care as long as you stay and you're controlled and they continue to get what they want.
49:12
[SPEAKER_00]: And and I'm sure like I hate seeing that.
49:15
[SPEAKER_00]: I hate hearing that or not, I'm not saying it.
49:16
[SPEAKER_00]: You're saying it or you hate seeing it because I don't want to
49:20
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want people to listen and be like, well, I'm not gonna leave them if it's gonna get bad.
49:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I thought this was bad.
49:25
[SPEAKER_00]: You're telling me once he knows I'm out, it's gonna get real worse, but you have to know the truth.
49:30
[SPEAKER_00]: People have to know the truth.
49:32
[SPEAKER_00]: And like, we're not making this shit up.
49:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, we can see this happens to not just us.
49:39
[SPEAKER_00]: It's happened to many people.
49:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Like this is the truth.
49:42
[SPEAKER_00]: This is the truth.
49:42
[SPEAKER_00]: It's people.
49:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Melions.
49:44
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you know this,
49:48
[SPEAKER_00]: then there's a way like bring a police with you, have someone to keep the peace, like have other people around like, just if this is information that you need to know as much as it sucks, at least now knowing this, you can do it like some people.
50:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, exact, and some people are, most narcissists are not violent, okay?
50:11
[SPEAKER_01]: A sociopath, you know, a narcissist with sociopath traits, they fall into that,
50:17
[SPEAKER_01]: physical harming I mean mine wasn't I mean he didn't like
50:21
[SPEAKER_01]: a punch, but he were strained me, he was sit on me, he would block me and play stuff.
50:26
[SPEAKER_01]: All of that is domestic violence.
50:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
50:29
[SPEAKER_01]: But most narcissists, the what they'll start doing is just they'll turn people like it.
50:35
[SPEAKER_01]: They want their story to the lie, the false lie.
50:39
[SPEAKER_01]: So they'll start spreading these little rumors about you to other people because you're not happy.
50:45
[SPEAKER_01]: You want out your, you know,
50:51
[SPEAKER_01]: then they'll start telling people in your outside group, things about you.
50:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you start noticing people pulling away from you or saying, you know, offhand at things to you that seem weird, maybe you're not invited places anymore or maybe they're, you know, um, I saw someone so we seemed to really sad, you know, he was at our barbecue and you're like, what barbecue?
51:14
[SPEAKER_01]: things that don't make sense to you and all of a sudden you're hearing something from someone on the outside that just as a little don't don't block that out as gaining nothing because what they're doing is they're setting up their story because they're not sure if you are going to go through it or not, but they're going to make sure everybody is on their side and everybody believes their lives.
51:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And then this is why it's hard to leave.
51:41
[SPEAKER_01]: This is why it's hard to
51:43
[SPEAKER_01]: But that is the environment you're in is that what you want the rest of your life, you know, and there's their steps.
51:50
[SPEAKER_01]: That's why, you know, this seven day free trial, you know, where you're well as a reset is that we're offering is basically to give people just a little action step every day.
52:03
[SPEAKER_01]: just to start thinking, thinking with clarity again, because when you're in this situation, your brain's fogged out, your nervous system's out of whack, your, you know, you can't sleep, your cortisol's running, you know, ramp it.
52:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And so you're in, how do I keep the piece, know, how do I keep the piece, know, how do I set all things down, how do I,
52:20
[SPEAKER_01]: to give this out.
52:21
[SPEAKER_00]: You're never giving yourself a chance to just breathe and and be calm right think things through you know okay so is this something that they sign up for and are they getting an email attacks like what is this seven day thing look like.
52:36
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a it's a it's a it's a free you know program that we're doing and they can get a however they want they can get it through email they can get it through Okay, and every day they will get an action step and we call it what we call it is our four pillars of the healing and it's
52:52
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, emotionally physically financially and spiritually could just mean, you know, it can mean religion or it can mean your passion, you know.
53:04
[SPEAKER_01]: It's those of the things that you give up when you're in an abuse of relationship.
53:09
[SPEAKER_01]: You get torn down in these different pillars and one may be you may be, you know, it may be the emotional drag down.
53:16
[SPEAKER_01]: That may be your pillar.
53:18
[SPEAKER_01]: That's broken and that you need a reset on if there might be some answer.
53:22
[SPEAKER_01]: You're like, oh my god, I have no money.
53:24
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't have any choices.
53:25
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, there's ways that you can start doing things little tiny steps.
53:33
[SPEAKER_01]: You wouldn't believe some of the things that I've gone through with my clients, just the what I call the critical steps before you make the decision
53:46
[SPEAKER_01]: is critical because I would never have uttered those words if I had taken my own advice 15 years ago, just planning, just getting it in order, in case and case, I decide I don't want this life anymore.
54:00
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to be in the dark.
54:01
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to be manipulated and controlled when I make the decision because if you don't start taking certain steps now,
54:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Then you don't you won't know you won't have the documents.
54:11
[SPEAKER_01]: You won't have the online pass.
54:12
[SPEAKER_01]: So you won't have credit cards in your own.
54:13
[SPEAKER_01]: You won't have emergency fun.
54:14
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, there are certain things are if it's physical, you know, if you had to I give up going to the gym, if you came too much of an argument, you know, and so I'm like, I'm going back, you know, I'm going back to the gym.
54:25
[SPEAKER_01]: I love to paint.
54:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I had to quit painting.
54:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, I'm painting again.
54:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So there are certain things that
54:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Taking back your old self starts rebuilding that person back, you know, and so you can't you do become strong enough to actually make a decision whether it's to stay in coke.
54:43
[SPEAKER_01]: are to plan and leave.
54:45
[SPEAKER_01]: You're right choice.
54:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
54:46
[SPEAKER_01]: This is interesting.
54:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, a decision has to be made because what you're doing and if you're just here and it's just constant, that's not a choice.
54:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you know, because it's going.
54:56
[SPEAKER_01]: That will get that.
54:57
[SPEAKER_01]: That will get worse.
54:58
[SPEAKER_01]: That status, it'll be, it'll just take more and more energy to maintain that.
55:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
55:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And the energy comes from you, not the other person.
55:07
[SPEAKER_01]: So you're the one that's, you know, losing it out of your tank.
55:10
[SPEAKER_01]: So you're right.
55:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
55:11
[SPEAKER_01]: not making a decision is not really a decision that you can you can actually afford to make with somebody.
55:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Why is that?
55:19
[SPEAKER_00]: I say like all the time and like fitness, like deciding to not decide to still deciding.
55:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Like if you're deciding to not decide whether or not you start a program and you start going to the gym, you've decided you're not doing it.
55:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Link, like this one, deciding to not decide is deciding you're just not talking about it.
55:38
[SPEAKER_00]: But I just have to say this like to anyone listening and I'm sure you see this too with your clients and stuff the fact that you're even listening to this and considering if there's similarities and you're wondering if you need a plan and you're wondering what it gets worse if I left and you're just like taking this in and you can relate to some of it.
56:06
[SPEAKER_00]: is telling you something that you need to wake up to.
56:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and you know what, we'll also give your listeners the our free, are they a narcissist questionnaire.
56:18
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's just a 15 question.
56:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Great idea.
56:21
[SPEAKER_01]: It is very specific.
56:24
[SPEAKER_01]: The questions relate to you and that person, not anybody else.
56:28
[SPEAKER_01]: How the interaction is between you and that person and I tell people this is private No one's gonna get a copy of it except for you be honest because we lie about things and the relationship like we say well It's not that.
56:42
[SPEAKER_01]: You know something to do that, but not When I when I say for your own good Answer each question as honestly and openly as possible as if you were gonna a closed-in vault and no one was gonna see here or ever No, you did it
56:57
[SPEAKER_01]: be honest because the result, the grading, as to the level, maybe they just have a knowing choice, maybe they are, you need to be, you need to start making a plan because this person, if all these questions in your
57:11
[SPEAKER_01]: It's zero to 75 points.
57:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Migrated to 72, and you've heard some of the stories I've said just right now.
57:17
[SPEAKER_01]: He rated a 72.
57:18
[SPEAKER_00]: There are people that go all the way to some side.
57:21
[SPEAKER_01]: But then there's some people that read about a 20 or 25, you know, what?
57:24
[SPEAKER_01]: That's an annoying trait, narcissistic person.
57:26
[SPEAKER_01]: You could try to cope with that if you still love them and
57:29
[SPEAKER_01]: and your home life's not horrific.
57:31
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just not happy in loving.
57:34
[SPEAKER_01]: There are ways to cope with that.
57:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So I encourage them to actually, and we'll send you the link for that.
57:40
[SPEAKER_01]: It's free.
57:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, sake it.
57:43
[SPEAKER_01]: And see what the scores are.
57:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god, that is so helpful.
57:49
[SPEAKER_00]: So perfect.
57:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we will put that in the show notes, you guys.
57:51
[SPEAKER_00]: So check that out.
57:52
[SPEAKER_00]: You guys are also launching
57:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and what did you want healing in your pocket?
58:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, it's called it's the worrying or healing essentials, and we just launched the mobile app in June.
58:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And we launched it one for privacy because people sometimes can't just get on a zoom call and our join out Facebook group.
58:14
[SPEAKER_01]: It's hard to feel.
58:16
[SPEAKER_01]: in social media because you don't know who's reading the comments.
58:19
[SPEAKER_01]: So you might need help.
58:21
[SPEAKER_01]: You might need to reach out, but you're like, oh my god, who's following me?
58:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Who's following you?
58:24
[SPEAKER_01]: How do they know?
58:25
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, you know, so people get worried about actually engaging in social media.
58:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Even if it's on an abuse channel or whatever, because you don't know who's watching that channel.
58:35
[SPEAKER_01]: So this is the way, yeah, we called it, you know, recovering your pocket because it has all of our healing resources videos.
58:42
[SPEAKER_01]: It's got a private community.
58:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's a way for you to know that what you're posting in this app is just for the members inside the app and they're that it.
58:53
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's a way for you to have healing.
58:56
[SPEAKER_01]: resources.
58:57
[SPEAKER_01]: So you can figure this out and if you're in it, how to lead, if you're out of it, how to recover from it.
59:03
[SPEAKER_01]: So you don't go back.
59:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm in fact three times to that abuser.
59:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And so that forces you back many times it's the love bombing and you fall for it because you're brain remember how good it was in the beginning and they become that person again you're like finally the real life I had to go to this extreme to leave them and now they realize it.
59:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah, it sounds worse.
59:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, explain what love bombing in because that I remember and I didn't know.
59:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I was just like, oh, see, I'm such a bitch.
59:48
[SPEAKER_00]: He's so nice and like, he did this for me and look at everything he brought over for me.
59:54
[SPEAKER_00]: And like, oh, I am so ungrateful.
59:57
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, my times I get myself ungrateful, Melissa.
1:00:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, yeah, I know.
1:00:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, and it's the things itself, it's a tough side because the things that they remember, the only time they really listen to us is in the beginning because they're gathering their information.
1:00:13
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like, I hate to say that, but it's true.
1:00:15
[SPEAKER_01]: If they're a true narcissist, they're gathering information about you.
1:00:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, so they seem interested.
1:00:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and it's so funny, because I tell people, if there were connections, don't align, that is the biggest red flag you have that, because that's basically lying.
1:00:30
[SPEAKER_01]: That is the lying.
1:00:32
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you're, if you're new to a relationship, and they're all the sudden loving everything you love, why don't you check out their social media?
1:00:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Do they like to go to the beach?
1:00:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, mine told me he was a beach lover.
1:00:42
[SPEAKER_01]: I went to his, I didn't know, I went years later when I was gathering information, we're going to trial trial,
1:00:50
[SPEAKER_01]: He never went to the beach.
1:00:51
[SPEAKER_01]: He was no skier.
1:00:52
[SPEAKER_01]: That's like, why would you tell me that?
1:00:54
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't know.
1:00:55
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's like, they will, they will mirror up mirror.
1:00:58
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like, look at it yourself.
1:01:00
[SPEAKER_01]: This person talking dots, he was like, oh my God, there's so much money in this is so awesome.
1:01:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
1:01:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, it's just gathering that information up front, because they'll use it when they're, especially when you're on a fight or you leave,
1:01:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Then all of a sudden, they remember your favorite rose.
1:01:19
[SPEAKER_01]: They remember your birthday.
1:01:20
[SPEAKER_01]: They remember how, remember when not happened to you, I felt so bad.
1:01:24
[SPEAKER_01]: I never said it, but I really felt bad about it.
1:01:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And you're like, oh my God, my heartstrings.
1:01:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, my left, my favorite tea and a ball cap, I love pink in my mailbox.
1:01:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I had a restraining order against him, restraining order.
1:01:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And you left that with a little note with the dragons like I'm a dragonfly person in my mailbox.
1:01:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Guess what?
1:01:45
[SPEAKER_01]: He didn't give a crap about dragonflies, but everybody in my life knows I love them.
1:01:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Now there's a little dragonfly and they'll go, no, my favorite little can.
1:01:52
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sweet indeed, and a little ball cap, and I was like, and I'm thinking to myself, it those flooding of feelings of, he's feeling remorse, you know, no, that's not what that means.
1:02:06
[SPEAKER_01]: What that means.
1:02:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Interesting.
1:02:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, back to the app.
1:02:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Sorry.
1:02:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, like I tracked you, but the app sounds incredible.
1:02:15
[SPEAKER_00]: And I loved how you said like people can get into that.
1:02:18
[SPEAKER_00]: It's private and it's this community and they can talk through like is this trace?
1:02:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Is this full blow narcissism?
1:02:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Should I leave?
1:02:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Is this abusive?
1:02:28
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not because you know like you see and you know when you're in it?
1:02:30
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't know.
1:02:31
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
1:02:32
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
1:02:32
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
1:02:33
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not a narcissist wise.
1:02:35
[SPEAKER_01]: No.
1:02:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely not.
1:02:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's got, um,
1:02:39
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like your accountability partner.
1:02:41
[SPEAKER_01]: It's got a Monday Wednesday Friday reset.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So Monday, you'll get something saying, hey, it's Monday morning.
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[SPEAKER_01]: This is what I want you to do today.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Then on Wednesday, hey, did you do that?
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's a reset.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Well, let's talk about this today.
1:02:52
[SPEAKER_01]: And then a Friday is, you know, let's celebrate some wins.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Because like you said, making a decision not to make a decision when you're in this situation is a win.
1:03:00
[SPEAKER_01]: You've decided I'm not gonna do that.
1:03:02
[SPEAKER_01]: You didn't just, that they're paralyzed.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So Friday we celebrate wins, but it is a very it's a it's action driven.
1:03:11
[SPEAKER_01]: So you can do as much.
1:03:13
[SPEAKER_01]: You can read as much.
1:03:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Are you can you can, you know, be involved as much as you want, but the information, the education, the library, the resource, the videos.
1:03:32
[SPEAKER_01]: no one, even a financially abused person can get that.
1:03:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And we take, you know, like you could get a visa gift card and if you pay for the year, it's only a hundred and five dollars.
1:03:43
[SPEAKER_01]: So you could actually take a visa gift card and pay the, and then it doesn't show up on the statement.
1:03:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
1:03:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
1:03:49
[SPEAKER_00]: The things that you have to think about, you know, and that's
1:03:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Melissa, this has been like absolutely incredible.
1:04:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Tell us, where can people find you?
1:04:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Where can they follow you?
1:04:05
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll put everything in the show notes too.
1:04:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Where can they get your books?
1:04:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Like all the resources give it to us.
1:04:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, our website is probably the best.
1:04:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, it's victim to warriormefit.com, okay?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And that has all of our resources.
1:04:22
[SPEAKER_01]: It's got our podcasts, it's got our blogs, all of my books are on Amazon,
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[SPEAKER_01]: to right there in the website, to all the books, they're all, there's 10 of them, and they're they're not, I don't like the scientific novels.
1:04:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I literally choose, this is about trauma bonding because people don't realize, we get trauma bonded to the person we're in live with.
1:04:43
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's the reason we forgive and they can tug on our hearts and stuff.
1:04:48
[SPEAKER_01]: We became addicted to the feeling that we get
1:04:52
[SPEAKER_01]: from them in the original, you know, when we were originally with them, but anyway, they all and they all have work books, they've journaled in them.
1:04:59
[SPEAKER_01]: So they're action books.
1:05:00
[SPEAKER_01]: They're, okay, explain that date and then it gives you action steps in a journal.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I am, I know I can't say enough, journal, journal, journal because your mind will play tricks on you, your brain will forget.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You will have these memories that you block out when you write them down.
1:05:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, what it's your truth.
1:05:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Those are your words.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Not your narcissists lies and make you doubt your truth.
1:05:22
[SPEAKER_01]: They're always in those books.
1:05:23
[SPEAKER_01]: That's probably the best place to go is anything they look up victim to warrior are.
1:05:30
[SPEAKER_01]: TikTok, Instagram, we're talking to you to all of them fall under victim to warrior every social media channel depending on what they like to watch.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You can watch our reenactment videos.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It'll actually, my husband looks like the villain.
1:05:42
[SPEAKER_01]: People want me to divorce him.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, no, he's good.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But he acts like the narcissist.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Because he's acting like my ex.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So it's like that far, right?
1:05:50
[SPEAKER_01]: But you can actually see that it looks like sometimes it's hard to hear it.
1:05:54
[SPEAKER_01]: But when you see it,
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[SPEAKER_01]: And then, you know, then we tell you ways to combat it.
1:05:59
[SPEAKER_01]: So sometimes our video series are like four and five parts.
1:06:02
[SPEAKER_01]: So it gives you different examples.
1:06:04
[SPEAKER_01]: But it always tells you ways to combat it or action steps that you can take, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Get through it or wait it or prevent it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I love it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's real life.
1:06:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And the things that we need to see the most and things that we do need the most, they're the hardest.
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[SPEAKER_00]: They're the hardest to watch, they're the hardest to hear and they're the hardest to do.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So they really, really are.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And that's sometimes an awful moment for someone because they're like, oh gosh, that is exactly what I'm living through.
1:06:28
[SPEAKER_01]: That is who I'm married to.
1:06:30
[SPEAKER_01]: That is to my sister is that is, is it might not just be your partner.
1:06:33
[SPEAKER_01]: It could be an in law.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yes.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
1:06:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_00]: This isn't necessarily just your partner at all.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's going to be a parent.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yep.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It could be a sibling at the beach a child.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It could be an end law.
1:06:47
[SPEAKER_01]: It could be your spouses, parents, and any artists that your boss, yes, absolutely.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Anybody that has that can totally just destroy the whole dynamics of that situation.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
1:07:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But there's ways to set boundaries and work through it if you're not like if that's not your partner.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, absolutely.
1:07:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, Melissa, this was great.
1:07:12
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't thank you enough for coming on and sharing your story, your experience, your knowledge, everything like this is one of those episodes that I think that could be life-changing for someone that they hear and they take it in and things change from the moment they heard this episode or they take it and they're like my sister needs to hear this and they pass it out.
1:07:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
1:07:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
1:07:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely.
1:07:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, thank you for having me.
1:07:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I really enjoyed connecting with you and hearing you're in
1:07:40
[SPEAKER_01]: These are your stories, because yeah, you all people know what it feels like.
1:07:45
[SPEAKER_00]: I do, I do, yeah, this is great.
1:07:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And I just, I can't thank you enough for bringing like awareness to this and just not being afraid and taking a stand-to-talk, because I know how difficult that can be.
1:07:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so.
1:07:56
[SPEAKER_01]: You so much for having me.
1:07:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yes.
1:07:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Everyone go to the show notes, give her a follow.
1:08:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Go to the website, ask the questions.
1:08:02
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to do this alone.
1:08:04
[SPEAKER_00]: So everyone, stay safe.
1:08:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Stay healthy until next time.
1:08:11
[SPEAKER_00]: The bottom-life podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.
1:08:13
[SPEAKER_00]: The content shared here is not intended as medical legal or professional advice.
1:08:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Always consult with a qualified professional before making end-toe fitness financial or legal decisions.
1:08:21
[SPEAKER_00]: The opinions shared on this podcast are personal experiences and insights.
1:08:25
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you need expert guidance, go find the right professional for you.
1:08:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for listening!