Latest / Doing Marriage Well / The Marmalade Trap: Why Your Generosity Might Be Missing the Mark

Transcript

The Marmalade Trap: Why Your Generosity Might Be Missing the Mark · Doing Marriage Well

• 0:00
  The Marmalade Trap. Why your generosity might be missing the mark.
• 0:04
  Effective generosity is more than just giving.
• 0:07
  If you're allergic to peanuts, giving you an unlimited supply of peanut butter
• 0:10
  and jam sandwiches is not a blessing.
• 0:13
  If you prefer orange marmalade to grape jam, then having two peanut butter and
• 0:17
  orange marmalade sandwiches feels more generous than giving you half a dozen
• 0:20
  peanut butter and grape jam sandwiches. But it's tricky.
• 0:24
  The first problem is we assume everyone is like we are. I think orange marmalade
• 0:28
  is amazing, especially the slightly bitter French version made from Seville oranges and cane sugar.
• 0:34
  My wife, however, is not a fan. She's okay with the sweeter American version,
• 0:39
  but it's well down her list of jams.
• 0:41
  Giving her what I prefer would not be generous as she wouldn't care for it.
• 0:45
  The second problem is that what our spouse most wants may not be easy.
• 0:49
  French orange marmalade is not found at most stores where we live.
• 0:53
  If my wife wants to bless me with a jar for my birthday, she has to shop around
• 0:57
  or go online and allow for shipping time.
• 1:00
  Grabbing a jar of what is in the local grocery will not bless me nearly as much.
• 1:04
  Real marital generosity is about giving what your spouse most wants.
• 1:08
  Doing that requires becoming an expert on your spouse. You would think that
• 1:11
  this would be easy, but it usually isn't.
• 1:14
  Some folks are bad at sharing what they want. Some were taught it's selfish
• 1:18
  to ask for things or even to want things.
• 1:20
  Others fear that exposing their desires makes them vulnerable.
• 1:24
  Some feel embarrassed about some of what they like and are afraid others will think it's silly.
• 1:28
  The man who gets socks for every holiday may have done this to himself by being
• 1:32
  unwilling or unable to tell people what he would like as gifts.
• 1:36
  There are also people who don't know what they want or are unable to admit to
• 1:40
  themselves what they want.
• 1:41
  They may express no preferences or they may come up with a short list they feed
• 1:45
  to those who ask, but they really don't know.
• 1:48
  Watch your spouse. What causes them to light up? What makes them happy?
• 1:53
  What commercials or ads hold their attention a bit longer?
• 1:56
  What activities engage them better? Even if they don't see it,
• 1:59
  you can find things that they enjoy and work to give them more of those things.
• 2:04
  This is Paul, and giving what is most wanted is doing marriage well.