Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When You Have No Family To Rely On

Transcript

When You Have No Family To Rely On · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, I'm going to be talking about when you
• 0:10
  have no family to rely on family of origin.
• 0:14
  I mean, and how this can really impact you, particularly for
• 0:18
  women that I see in this situation, but relates to men as
• 0:21
  well. So before that, please do
• 0:24
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• 0:47
  So when you have no family of origin that you can rely on to
• 0:51
  help you. This is particularly difficult
• 0:53
  for women who are more frequently the primary
• 0:56
  caretaker. So what this really means it's
• 0:59
  like really kind of a different species to be a parent that has
• 1:03
  family help and to be a parent. Doesn't, it's like a totally
• 1:07
  different life experience. The parenting experience is just
• 1:11
  colored so dramatically by either having somebody to rely
• 1:16
  on or not and here. And and so I hear lots of
• 1:20
  stories of people and Men generally tend to work full time
• 1:23
  even when the kids are young. So this is particularly relevant
• 1:27
  for women, that are at least part of the time, stay at home.
• 1:30
  It could be very, very lonely. To be a stay-at-home parent and
• 1:35
  it It is having your mom and specific around can really make
• 1:40
  that a totally different experience one where you know
• 1:43
  there's always an extra set of hands where, you know, if you
• 1:46
  have to like let's say go to the dentist as an emergency
• 1:48
  appointment, like somebody was always going to take your kids.
• 1:51
  You you can take a break and go yourself which doesn't sound
• 1:56
  like a break, but of course it is for parents, you know, you
• 1:58
  can do like all manner of things, you know?
• 2:01
  I mean when you have an involved parent, you have somebody to
• 2:04
  watch the kids for date. You can, of course, have a
• 2:07
  full-time Nanny if you can afford that but very few people
• 2:10
  can afford that. And many women are introverted
• 2:13
  and really don't want that around, you know.
• 2:15
  Like they don't want to have to hire somebody who sits in the
• 2:18
  house with them even if they had unlimited money which is
• 2:21
  something a lot of guys can understand.
• 2:23
  Especially guys that are in the higher power jobs like Finance,
• 2:27
  maybe their doctor, they make a lot of money and they frequently
• 2:30
  have peers whose wives do want full-time help, and so they can
• 2:34
  understand why. My wife doesn't.
• 2:36
  Well, I have a post about this called, why your wife doesn't
• 2:39
  want to Outsource childcare. And, and I talked about this a
• 2:43
  lot. If women are more highly
• 2:45
  sensitive or they're more introverted, it's more stressful
• 2:48
  for them to sit there with somebody else in the house
• 2:50
  constantly than to be alone because that other person isn't
• 2:54
  somebody that they feel close to and that they love.
• 2:57
  Like, there's really no replacing having like a close
• 2:59
  family member. I mean, I guess you could have
• 3:01
  like a close friend that doesn't have a job that just wants to
• 3:04
  hang out with you and your kids. But I mean most people don't
• 3:06
  have that that I've why would have never heard about that
• 3:09
  before you know, some people have their sister.
• 3:11
  So the sister is in the mother role in this situation, some
• 3:14
  people have a father that's retired and very available for
• 3:17
  help that's that's great, whatever it is.
• 3:19
  If you have this person in your family, that so let's say, even
• 3:23
  if they don't live close, there's somebody who, you know,
• 3:26
  if there was an emergency, they would come and stay with you
• 3:29
  that really takes on a mental like that, that takes some of
• 3:34
  the mental load. Odd.
• 3:35
  People are talking about the mental, the emotional load.
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  If you have a parent that's involved that can give support
• 3:43
  with child rearing and and also possibly even somebody that's
• 3:47
  kind to you and is nice to you and says that you're being a
• 3:50
  good parent. But either way, even if they're
• 3:52
  kind of a dick, even if they're just there and they can always
• 3:57
  kind of be called in case of an emergency.
• 3:59
  Then you have something that a lot of people don't have when
• 4:03
  people don't have that. Especially if they already
• 4:06
  struggle with depression anxiety or overwhelm, this makes it a
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  million times worse, you know, and like specially young moms
• 4:13
  young women. They look at other people who
• 4:15
  say, oh my mom came, and she cleaned everything, and she made
• 4:19
  soup. And and and you know, the kids
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  just love hanging out with her. She's a little annoying because
• 4:24
  like she asked me why I'm wearing the shirt that I was
• 4:26
  wearing but you know, like, I don't know like it was a little
• 4:30
  annoying but you know, it is still helpful overall.
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  Like the people who have no family helper, like, what The
• 4:35
  hell like, you know, that you're so lucky.
• 4:38
  So there's a lot of Envy among people who even aren't envious.
• 4:42
  Generally, there's a lot of Envy among mom's young, especially
• 4:46
  moms of young kids directed toward the, the majority because
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  it is the minority who has no contact with supportive family,
• 4:55
  but so it's Envy of the minority of the majority situation where
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  a mom would have her own mom, or some family member to call, you
• 5:04
  know, and and or Could consider moving back home where then
• 5:08
  there would be helped on offer etcetera.
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  So for the people that are pretty estranged or have parents
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  with mental illness, such that they really cannot help at all,
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  or be relied on, or who struggle with tremendous anxiety, PTSD,
• 5:26
  narcissistic, or borderline traits.
• 5:28
  It's like you just don't have backup and a lot of husbands do
• 5:34
  not really. Understand what this does to the
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  wife in particular and why she's kind of always up their ass to
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  be around in ways that their friends, they're the friends
• 5:44
  wives. Don't really need them around as
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  much because the friends wives usually just have to ask one
• 5:49
  question to the guy if he knows anything about his friends at
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  all. You know.
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  So let's say I got a couple in counseling and the woman has
• 5:57
  absolutely nobody to rely on. And the guy says well I don't
• 6:01
  know why you're bothering me about this hunting trip because
• 6:04
  a hunting trip is Days. And all my buddies can do it and
• 6:08
  I say who helps your buddy's wife, see, you know, do they
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  have moms around? And if they even do a little
• 6:13
  cursory due diligence, they'll frequently find that.
• 6:16
  Yes, they do. That the that the wives do have
• 6:19
  family around and this is like, a usual thing for many people,
• 6:21
  it'll be normative for many of you listeners that when a spouse
• 6:25
  travels there is filling in from family.
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  Especially if it's extended travel for like a few days or a
• 6:31
  week and the children are young like babies, toddlers, Etc.
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  So, or the woman's pregnant, and has a baby or, you know, a
• 6:38
  toddler or whatever. And so men, sometimes do not
• 6:43
  realize how much of a hole this leaves in the woman's life and
• 6:48
  how then dissimilar, the situation really is because
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  especially if a woman is sensitive and and struggles with
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  postpartum depression or anxiety, which is a lot of
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  people, she will feel completely alone and very scared about
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  being the only one who could potentially, you know, Do
• 7:06
  anything with any of the kids, then if she loses her sleep
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  because they're up all night or they get sick, then she feels
• 7:11
  she can't function and when he's gone, it's not a situation where
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  there's anybody else, then to step in.
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  And this can be very upsetting and anxiety producing and then
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  it can lead to a lot of fights. So where the woman is like why
• 7:27
  do you leave me? Why'd you leave me?
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  And it isn't even really that. She's the preoccupied attachment
• 7:32
  partner. It's more.
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  I mean she generally He is in this case, but it isn't about
• 7:37
  that. Then it's like fear, it's like
• 7:39
  anxiety ramps up to the point that, you know, you're going to
• 7:43
  like a kid's gonna get sick and then you're still going to have
• 7:45
  to get to work. And then how are you going to
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  navigate it, you know, when you have your work and then you have
• 7:49
  to get to hear because some this is also for women that work or
• 7:52
  you're going to have to pick one up here but then one is going to
• 7:54
  be sleeping and then the other one has a group.
• 7:56
  And how do you deal with one with croup?
• 7:58
  When you got to pick up one a dance and whatever like it's
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  just a lot of logistical stuff. Men, nowadays in this generation
• 8:04
  are getting a lot. Better with that.
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  In terms of, you know, splitting a lot of the pickups and the
• 8:11
  chores and like all of these things.
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  But I also see a lot of women wear.
• 8:15
  This was their situation when they were younger and they still
• 8:18
  have a lot of unresolved empathic ruptures where they
• 8:20
  felt completely alone. Navigating the travails of young
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  Parenthood and the guy was just at work /, doing his Hobbies
• 8:29
  doesn't mean that he didn't need to make money.
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  He did. But a lot of guys do not
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  understand. And how alone and how panicked
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  the woman felt because she wasn't really able to articulate
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  it. Because remember in these times,
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  the woman is also trying to tell herself that she's a good mother
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  and that she can deal with things and she can do it on her
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  own because of course, she has to.
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  So, so she may not be, you know, acting as completely
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  over-the-top dramatically alone and abandoned that she feels
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  because she doesn't want to act, quote crazy this.
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  You could refer back to the mr. Perfect.
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  And it's crazy wife. This is frequently.
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  Namek that happens here where you have the husband who kind
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  of, doesn't really understand why the wife is so scared of
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  being alone. He doesn't really realize how
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  alone she really is compared to the majority of, you know, women
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  and moms who have someone to call.
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  Now, they're sometimes a situation and I work with this
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  with women, a lot, and it can be very useful where the woman
• 9:27
  doesn't really love her in-laws, but she has like, none of her
• 9:29
  own family. So she kind of tries to do
• 9:33
  everything on her own because she doesn't Sara Lee, like, the
• 9:36
  in-laws so much, but that doesn't kind of matter, like
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  what matters is like, does it really matter if you, like, love
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  the in-laws so much, if they can help?
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  I work with a lot of women, opening them up to the idea of
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  accept the help that you have, you don't have to love the
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  in-laws. You have to, like, get through
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  your life and parent these children.
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  And if there's any help on offer from anybody who is not just
• 9:57
  completely unhinged than yeah, you probably want to open
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  yourself up to taking it sometimes women have a lot of
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  ambivalence about this. Having their in-laws around in
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  fact, makes them feel worse because it like, reminds them
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  that there are involved parents in the world.
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  So in a sense, they are very sadly, cutting off their nose to
• 10:17
  spite their face by, you know, denying the in-laws like the
• 10:21
  ability to help more regularly and more spontaneously.
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  So, for example, there are women that, you know, wish wish wish
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  that they had a mother, they could call to say, oh, can you
• 10:31
  please, you know, weight with Sally while I take Joey to the
• 10:35
  Doctor, but their mother-in-law would do that, but they won't
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  call their mother-in-law because they don't really like her.
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  She's not that night. So that's the extensible reason
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  and maybe she's not very nice. But the Deep reason is that it
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  makes him feel like too bad kind of about their situation that
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  like there they have no Mom. So they have to like use this
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  other mom, their husbands mom. They don't really want to do
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  that. It's just brings up so much shit
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  in their mind and therapy. Honestly can really help with
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  really reframing that and grieving the loss of the Family
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  that you have you, that you do not have rather and then being
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  much more rational and objective about accepting help where you
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  can get it. And I've worked with a lot of
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  women on that and it's very, it's honestly very
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  transformative to to change your frame on that one.
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  But there's also the women as I'm discussing who had this is
• 11:25
  in the past the children are older.
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  Now maybe they do have help. Now maybe they don't need help
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  now because the kids are teenagers or even out of the
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  house and they just can't forget that feeling.
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  Of being completely alone and having no back up and then
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  feeling an empathic rupture with the husband about that.
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  And that stuff is what a couples counseling, can be very useful
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  for is helping the man, understand.
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  Yeah, of course, everybody was alive and your wife handled it
• 11:49
  well. But at the time, she felt that
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  she was drowning completely alone and grieving the loss of a
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  healthful parent, you know, who could help her, you know, in
• 11:58
  these situations where you also want your mommy, you know,
• 12:02
  because you feel completely overwhelmed, but you just don't
• 12:04
  have one and you have Mommy to your kids without a mommy.
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  And that's a sad situation. And it is one that many people
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  find themselves in, when the parents again, struggle with
• 12:13
  mental illness, and/or or dead estranged, Etc.
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  All right. Well, I hope that this gave you
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  a little bit of a different perspective on this situation.
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  Now if you are in a situation like this and you are the guy
• 12:26
  listening to this class of fifty percent of male listeners and
• 12:30
  you realize that maybe you have not really thought deeply about
• 12:34
  how hard it may have been. N for your wife, to not have an
• 12:37
  involve mother or parents or anyone, then you can go to her
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  and be like, you know, I may have misjudged the situation and
• 12:45
  thought that kind of everybody, you know, did it on their own?
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  And now when I think about it, you know, maybe a lot of women
• 12:51
  were doing it with family help. And that's how you know, my
• 12:53
  buddies were able to travel so much for work or travel for our
• 12:57
  golf outing or are you know, hunting or our, you know,
• 13:00
  fishing or what have you and maybe I maybe I underestimated.
• 13:05
  How Hard those times. Where for you, either way?
• 13:07
  I really am impressed that you were able to do it on your own.
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  Now that I'm thinking about that maybe most people were not maybe
• 13:14
  most women weren't doing it on their own.
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  So there's no woman alive in that situation, who would not
• 13:20
  want to hear that and feel more validated by, you know, by the
• 13:25
  husband acknowledging that never be scared to bring up a topic,
• 13:29
  you know, like it's not like she's going to rethink
• 13:32
  everything and be mad or at you like its Much much, much more
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  likely that she is very mad and sad about that time.
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  And this would open up a potential Avenue toward
• 13:43
  validation and Reconciliation. You know, I mean that's that's a
• 13:46
  hell of a lot more likely than that, you'll be like, why until
• 13:50
  you brought that up? I felt completely fine.
• 13:53
  And now I'm going back and rethinking everything in this
• 13:56
  marriage and you're right. I'm leaving you.
• 13:58
  I mean, come on. That doesn't happen.
• 14:00
  All right. Hopefully you got something out
• 14:02
  of this. It is very hard to be on your
• 14:05
  own. And it is very hard to be in the
• 14:07
  world without a supportive family of origin therapy.
• 14:10
  Really does help with that. I mean, the you need to re
• 14:14
  parent yourself, you know, you need to grieve what you don't
• 14:17
  have and be basically your own support system.
• 14:20
  In addition to, of course, utilizing those that you have
• 14:23
  around you such as a spouse possibly their family friends,
• 14:27
  therapist, Etc. So yeah.
• 14:29
  So think about that, too, you know, maybe.
• 14:31
  Maybe your partner is totally supportive during this time, but
• 14:34
  you yourself. Elf.
• 14:35
  It's very hard for you to get past the fact that you're trying
• 14:38
  to be a mommy with no Mommy and that's hard and it shouldn't be
• 14:43
  minimized. That is a very hard thing.
• 14:46
  All right, I will talk to everybody soon.
• 14:48
  Have a great day guys.