Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / Why Do We Treat Differences Like They’re Dangerous? | Thinking Out Loud
Transcript
- Kimberly Roller: Episode two differences isn't dangerous in flexibility is Today I'm thinking out loud about a question that increasingly feels relevant. we treat differences like they're dangerous? noticed how ready to fight people have become, at least here in America. When someone holds an opinion that differs from their own, it's normal to seek out like-minded people that's human. But somewhere along the way, diversity stopped being information and started being interpreted as a threat. we've blurred the lines between opinions and values. ⁓ We're labeling people of listening them. calling them narcissists, fascists, racist, crazy, and listen, those labels do have a place. They matter when they're accurate and grounded in behavior, but also do you know the person personally? But instead they're being used against people we don't know, haven't met, and have never actually experienced. Social media and the news are designed to trigger emotional reactions. They're paid to keep us dysregulated. Somehow we've turned life into a reality show, big brother energy, but without the prize money. There's a difference between saying this doesn't work for me and claiming moral superiority. Moral superiority not saving the world. It's creating more division. Being open isn't weakness. Being willing to hear someone out while still choosing differently if you need to. ⁓ For instance, let's take homeschooling, for whether you find value in homeschooling or not, can we at least agree? ⁓ that a quality education matters. Because often when homeschooling comes up, the first reaction I've been hearing is people's focus on, how will they socialize? Sure, some kids aren't well socialized. I've met them, but I've met them in public schools, private schools, and homeschooling environments. The issue isn't the system, it's whether kids are being taught how to navigate relationships, conflict, and tension in healthy ways. ⁓ Bullying doesn't only happen in schools, it happens in families and communities, in the workplace. Some people are shy, some people are overwhelmed. Yes, socialization matters, but positive socialization matters more. When I talk about middle ground thinking, I think some people often hear, she can't make up her mind. But that's not necessarily true, but I accept the feedback. Middle ground thinking isn't indecision, it's discernment. For me, it's rooted in something very old, yin and yang. Balance, interdependence, and an ecosystem. ⁓ Your is an ecosystem. Your mind an ecosystem. Family, community, culture, same thing. Ecosystems don't survive by picking one extreme and declaring it the winner. They survive through relationships. I learned this lesson most clearly through the ending of a relationship that mattered deeply to me. And I want to be clear here. This relationship, I did endure abuse. I was treated poorly, not because I was trying to harm anyone, but because I thought differently and expressed myself openly. In my opinion, I believe this person found me a threat and In my own effort to reclaim my own sense of honor and boundaries, I ended up engaging the same behaviors they did to me that hurt me. It broke me because not only did I stop being who I was, I started repeating the same behaviors that broke me. And the relationship was dramatic. People pick sides, leaving communities unsettled. There was betrayal and multiple explosive moments, both parties in. It could have ended differently. if mindsets had shifted. If we embrace the idea that everyone has spot at the table. even if two people can't get along. We could have just done things our own way. We could have sat completely away from each other, metaphorically and literally. Just two people who work very differently. One thrived on structure, certainty and control and the other needed flexibility, emotional openness and room to evolve. What stabilized one slowly drained the other. For a long time I told myself if I could just be better, if I could be calmer, if I could adapt a little more, everything will work out perfectly. I'll crack the code. But I had to learn this. Differences doesn't become dangerous until there's no room to adjust. My openness felt threatening. My curiosity felt destabilizing and what felt grounding to them suffocating to me. Neither of us was wrong with the environments we were wanting. But we were incompatible ways that alone couldn't fix. ⁓ I like to think of it this. ⁓ Some people are orchids. Some people succulents. Both are beautiful. Both are resilient. ⁓ But if water the same one dies. ⁓ Middle ground thinking doesn't mean forcing compatibility. It means knowing when most loving is space. Distance isn't punishment. It's preservation. It allows peace there was tension. It allows without self abandonment. Multiple truths can exist simultaneously. Parenting is another place where extremes fail constantly. We argue about versus gentle about milestones, about screen time, about messy houses meaning moral failure. Science tells us something clearly, spanking doesn't work like people think it does. Science also tells us kids don't need $400 wooden toys to develop. Most kids will walk, most kids will talk, and most kids will learn how to use the potty. When they don't, community access and support matters. You're not a person because you had dishes in the sink. You're allowed to have priorities. And sometimes those priorities means I need to save my energy to be patient with my child. Some people can do the dishes. ⁓ and be a patient parent. Great. Some days you can't and you need to choose one or the other. These truths aren't mutually exclusive. ⁓ Middle ground thinking is parenting sounds like this. What does this child need? What does this family need? What's sustainable? Not perfect, not performance. Nutrition is another area where I've noticed extremes. They're exhausting us and I'm guilty of this. Yes, too much of anything is bad. And after being sick for a very long time, I got scared of everything. But we're not licking radioactive paint like people did in the 1920s. Your liver's job is detoxification. The problem is an exposure. Oftentimes it's overdoing it. Pain medicine is a tool, ⁓ not a multivitamin. You take Tylenol every like clockwork, but it exists for a reason. ⁓ Not everything is just food. Science has made edible chemicals. I do like my Doritos and everybody's body's different. I can't tolerate folic acid while in supplements. They literally make me go crazy, but I'm fine with the amount in bread It doesn't make vitamins evil. means my body has preferences and we can hold space for both experiences. ⁓ Middle ground thinking says, listen, adjust, make small changes, not burn everything down and start over politics the same way. Liberals and conservatives spend so much time calling each other evil that nothing actually seems to be improving. Everyone's economy is struggling. No, not just America. Every system has shown to have flaws. It's like pointing at a sunflower and asking it to grow slower and thinking that will help or yelling at asparagus because it takes longer. Won't help either. takes time. Systems can take generation, the best time to plant a tree is now we need affordable basics, food. ⁓ shelter, water, education, community, but we also have to understand luxury costs money and free. We get what we pay for, but charity is a blessing. There's no shame in that. Acknowledging one doesn't counsel out the other. honest conversation, dopamine field outrage is how progress happens. ⁓ Here's the hardest truth middle ground thinking taught me. Sometimes the people who hurt us were also right about some things. I needed structure, but I was also right and I need the flexibility to breathe. It can be complicated and still be true. Drama gives a quick hit, but it doesn't build anything that lasts. Communities require diversity with understanding. we don't ⁓ have to agree, but have to stop treating differences like they're dangerous. The us versus them mentality doesn't make sense. Humanity ⁓ is the us. There no outside group we're fighting against because we are the flow. See cucumber. We are the ecosystem we keep talking about. And when we forget that we don't become safer, ⁓ we become smaller. So why do we differences like it's dangerous? ⁓ I think people are afraid of being wrong. We hold onto a pressure of having everything figured out when life is really about growing and figuring things out along the way. ⁓ Sometimes feels safer than admitting ⁓ especially when those mistakes shatter something hold dear, but life is about change. refusing to evolve leads to bigger danger, extinction, metaphorically, ⁓ and sometimes literally.