Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 249. Parenting broke us, on paper we look perfect but we are falling apart 😭

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249. Parenting broke us, on paper we look perfect but we are falling apart 😭 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apoche Production.
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Speaker 1: Let's get into it a eas your advice. Are you okay?
0:36
Speaker 1: What happened? Promise it won't be too much, bring it in.
0:41
Speaker 1: Welcome to our Bestie Segment. Good girl, this is the
0:49
Speaker 1: place for you.
0:51
Speaker 3: Welcome back to another episode of our Bestie Segment. We
0:54
Speaker 3: love our Bestie Segment because we get real, raw and
0:56
Speaker 3: really challenging stories from all of you, and we love
0:59
Speaker 3: to be able to support you along the journey and
1:01
Speaker 3: also be a part of your journey when you know,
1:03
Speaker 3: essentially you feel like you don't really have anywhere else
1:05
Speaker 3: to turn and you need some besty advice. So Ashley
1:08
Speaker 3: and what have you got for us?
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Speaker 2: The title is called parenting broke us. On paper, we
1:12
Speaker 2: look perfect, but we are falling apart. I haven't read
1:15
Speaker 2: this yet, but I'm assuming a lot of parents are
1:17
Speaker 2: going to be able.
1:18
Speaker 1: To relate to this.
1:19
Speaker 2: All right, let's do it. It's a long one, so
1:21
Speaker 2: buckle in ready. But we like context because when we
1:23
Speaker 2: get besty submissions, if they're only small, it's hard for
1:26
Speaker 2: us to give advice on. You know, when you tell
1:28
Speaker 2: a best you tell every minor detail that's so true,
1:30
Speaker 2: so they can give really good advice. That's kind of
1:32
Speaker 2: what we want when you do your submissions. By the way,
1:34
Speaker 2: if you want to submit a sticky situation, the link
1:36
Speaker 2: is always in our bio. Otherwise, go to our Instagram
1:38
Speaker 2: and it's also in there, completely anonymous. By the way, Hey,
1:42
Speaker 2: beautiful ladies, first year, I just want to say how
1:44
Speaker 2: much I appreciate what you do and how you help
1:46
Speaker 2: women feel less alone in whatever situation they're going through.
1:48
Speaker 1: It really means a lot.
1:49
Speaker 2: I'm from a small town where everyone knows everyone funny enough,
1:52
Speaker 2: in high school, I dated a guy for about four
1:54
Speaker 2: years and my now partner was dating that guy's sister
1:56
Speaker 2: for about the same.
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Speaker 1: Amount of time.
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Speaker 2: Yet somehow we never actually cross paths. Fast forward a
2:01
Speaker 2: few years and we both ended up working behind the
2:03
Speaker 2: bar at our local pub. The chemistry between us was instant,
2:06
Speaker 2: the flirting, little touches that we walked past each other,
2:08
Speaker 2: it was electric. I never felt that kind of connection
2:10
Speaker 2: with someone before. We ended up sleeping together on my birthday,
2:13
Speaker 2: and it was incredibly intense and connecting. From that moment on,
2:16
Speaker 2: we were basically inseparable. We both just come out of
2:19
Speaker 2: toxic relationships, so we were cautious about jumping into something serious,
2:22
Speaker 2: but our feelings were too strong to ignore. He just
2:24
Speaker 2: bought a house and eventually asked me to move in.
2:27
Speaker 2: Things moved quickly, but it felt so right. We were
2:29
Speaker 2: best friends and our relationship was full of fun and adventure.
2:33
Speaker 2: Not long after that, we bought a bus, converted it
2:35
Speaker 2: into a little home on wheels, and traveled Australia with
2:37
Speaker 2: just the two of us and our puppy. It was
2:39
Speaker 2: honestly the best time of our lives. After about two years,
2:43
Speaker 2: we came back to our hometown to save some money
2:45
Speaker 2: before heading off again, but then COVID hit and we
2:47
Speaker 2: got stuck there. During that time, our relationship was still
2:50
Speaker 2: really fun and playful. We even explored sexually with other
2:53
Speaker 2: women together. I mentioned that just to paint the picture
2:55
Speaker 2: of how connected, trusting, and adventurous we were as a couple.
2:59
Speaker 2: A few months later, we found out I was pregnant,
3:00
Speaker 2: which definitely wasn't a part of the plan at the time.
3:03
Speaker 2: Our daughter was born in two thousand during COVID after
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Speaker 2: a very long, fifty seven hour labor. Because of the restrictions,
3:10
Speaker 2: my partner had to leave the hospital just thirty minutes.
3:12
Speaker 1: After she was born. Wow. Fuck that goodness.
3:16
Speaker 2: At the time, we were also running the pub and
3:18
Speaker 2: living there, which means he was working extremely late and
3:21
Speaker 2: missing a lot of those early newborn months. Eventually, we
3:24
Speaker 2: decided that lifestyle wasn't working and we went back to
3:26
Speaker 2: traveling in the bus again, and honestly, it was magic.
3:29
Speaker 2: We loved every second of it with our little girl.
3:32
Speaker 2: But when she was about eighteen months old, we started
3:34
Speaker 2: to notice some small changes. She lost all her words,
3:37
Speaker 2: stopped making eye contact, and regressed quite suddenly. I moved
3:40
Speaker 2: us back to our hometown to get support from the family.
3:43
Speaker 2: She was eventually diagnosed with level three autism, nonverbal and
3:47
Speaker 2: non receptive. Motherhood suddenly looked very different to what I imagined.
3:51
Speaker 2: She had been saying, mom, dad, even, I love you,
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Speaker 2: And then suddenly there was silence. For three years, I
3:58
Speaker 2: didn't hear mum. She can't tell me when she's hungry
4:01
Speaker 2: or feeling sick. It's been incredibly heartbreaking at times, or
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Speaker 2: feel emotion general.
4:06
Speaker 1: Have you so hard? Yeah? Okay, big time? Gosh, that'd
4:12
Speaker 1: be so hard. Can you imagine that because of a
4:16
Speaker 1: three year old?
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Speaker 2: Like that'd be like Tarler not saying mum, you know,
4:20
Speaker 2: Oh goodness, you know, Arson's a cridon a besty episode.
4:25
Speaker 2: Oh mama, if you're listening, I feel I'm so sorry.
4:30
Speaker 2: During that time, we were really just in survival mode.
4:32
Speaker 2: We spent a lot of time at my mum's house.
4:34
Speaker 2: My partner could get some sleep because he would often
4:36
Speaker 2: finish work, wouldn't finish work until two or three am.
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Speaker 2: My daughter became very comfortable there and it slowly became
4:42
Speaker 2: like a second safe space for her. Through all this,
4:45
Speaker 2: my partner and I was still amazing together. We were
4:47
Speaker 2: a complete team. We had our roles and we loved
4:49
Speaker 2: the little world that we had created. But as time
4:52
Speaker 2: went on, things started getting harder and harder. Our daughter's
4:55
Speaker 2: needs became more severe, and the support systems we thought
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Speaker 2: had slowly disappeared because she became too hard for people
5:01
Speaker 2: to handle. Even though we moved home for support, we
5:03
Speaker 2: found ourselves very alone. The constant screaming from her not
5:07
Speaker 2: being able to communicate her needs, the food aversions, the
5:10
Speaker 2: intensity of everything that comes with parenting with a child
5:13
Speaker 2: with high support needs. It's starting to take a huge
5:16
Speaker 2: hole on us. Our relationship have really suffered under that pressure,
5:19
Speaker 2: and I believe I'm now in severe care is burnout?
5:23
Speaker 1: Wow?
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm not surprised. We've recently relocated to our block
5:28
Speaker 2: so we can both be together every day. My partner
5:30
Speaker 2: doesn't need to work as much here, so we have
5:32
Speaker 2: hoped having his full time support would help us reset.
5:36
Speaker 2: But right now we are really struggling as a couple.
5:38
Speaker 2: For the last few years, I haven't been able to
5:40
Speaker 2: be there for him emotionally, I've completely shut down. Not
5:43
Speaker 2: a single person in my life knows exactly how I feel.
5:46
Speaker 2: I just tell everyone I'm okay, but I'm clearly not.
5:50
Speaker 2: I'm not the patient mother my kids deserve because I'm
5:53
Speaker 2: so touched out and burnt out. I also now have
5:56
Speaker 2: an eleven month old and almost six years, I've only
5:58
Speaker 2: spent one night away from my oldest child.
6:01
Speaker 1: My partner and.
6:01
Speaker 2: I haven't had a single night alone together in that
6:04
Speaker 2: entire time. I feel like a shell of who I
6:06
Speaker 2: used to be. I have no ambition anymore, no energy
6:09
Speaker 2: for even the smallest things. Of course, they do everything
6:12
Speaker 2: my kids need, but it feels like a chore.
6:14
Speaker 1: Some days.
6:14
Speaker 2: If I'm honest, I feel like laying in bed all day,
6:17
Speaker 2: which obviously is just never possible. We're at a really
6:20
Speaker 2: serious point now, We're almost at the stage of ending
6:22
Speaker 2: our relationship. He's becoming suicidal, which is incredibly heavy and
6:26
Speaker 2: something I don't even know how to carry. On top
6:27
Speaker 2: of everything else, I feel numb. He's struggling, and I'm struggling.
6:32
Speaker 2: He's been so patient for the last few years, waiting
6:34
Speaker 2: for me to come back to myself, but I feel
6:36
Speaker 2: lost in the grief of the life I imagine in
6:38
Speaker 2: the motherhood journey my friends seem to have compared to
6:40
Speaker 2: the one I have. All my friend's kids start at
6:42
Speaker 2: school this year, and my daughter isn't able to yet
6:45
Speaker 2: because her needs are too high. And the confusing part
6:47
Speaker 2: is I feel like I should be happy We're thirty
6:50
Speaker 2: years old. We sold our house. We're completely debt free,
6:53
Speaker 2: and we get to spend every day together as a family.
6:55
Speaker 2: We even have the option to never work again from
6:57
Speaker 2: the money from the sale of our house if we
6:59
Speaker 2: don't want to. But I don't know how to learn
7:01
Speaker 2: to love my world again, Ashy. I resonated so deeply
7:04
Speaker 2: with your storeorry about your real dad and your stepdad.
7:06
Speaker 2: I carry a lot of trauma and self doubt from
7:08
Speaker 2: my own dad not wanting me and my stepdad not
7:10
Speaker 2: really wanting us either. I still struggle every day with
7:13
Speaker 2: feeling like I'm not good enough. I don't want my
7:15
Speaker 2: girls growing up without their dad because I couldn't get
7:17
Speaker 2: out of my own way. My partner and I are
7:19
Speaker 2: amazing together, we really are. Our friends used to look
7:21
Speaker 2: at us in awe of our connection, but it feels
7:24
Speaker 2: like depression, burnout, and grief have slowly taken over the
7:27
Speaker 2: both of us. I feel like a shell of who
7:30
Speaker 2: I used to be, and I don't know how to
7:31
Speaker 2: find my way back to myself or back to us.
7:34
Speaker 2: So I guess my questions are, how do you come
7:37
Speaker 2: back from severe care or burnout? How do you reconnect
7:40
Speaker 2: with your partner when you've both been surviving for years,
7:43
Speaker 2: and how do you stop grieving the life you thought
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Speaker 2: you'd have so you can learn to love the life
7:47
Speaker 2: you actually have. I'm really scared we're going to lose
7:49
Speaker 2: each other and I don't want that. I'm so sorry
7:51
Speaker 2: this was so long. I love you ladies. Oh you
7:56
Speaker 2: go first, because I'm just gonna cry.
7:58
Speaker 1: I feel like I will too. Yeah, Yeah, that's really tough.
8:02
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. That's hard.
8:05
Speaker 2: And it's really hard because it's so many layers to that. Yeah, Like,
8:09
Speaker 2: and it sucks because at the end of the day,
8:10
Speaker 2: you guys fucking love each other. It's not you two,
8:12
Speaker 2: it's not your love, it's like everything else that's around.
8:16
Speaker 2: You're both trying to pour from an empty.
8:18
Speaker 3: Cup, you know, like when you were reading and just
8:21
Speaker 3: sharing your story as well, Like I relate it to
8:24
Speaker 3: two of my sisters. Two of my sisters children are autistic.
8:27
Speaker 3: So I've got three nieces and nephews who are autistic,
8:29
Speaker 3: and I've also witnessed the journey of just that happening,
8:33
Speaker 3: the nonverbal and yeah, witnessing them to go through that,
8:36
Speaker 3: and how challenging it's been for my sisters to hold
8:39
Speaker 3: and navigate that too, and it's not an easy thing.
8:42
Speaker 3: And I can only imagine what you've had to navigate
8:44
Speaker 3: and the grief that you've held along the journey. And
8:47
Speaker 3: I think the beautiful thing and everything that you've been
8:49
Speaker 3: through is the fact that you and your partner have
8:50
Speaker 3: been able to have such a connection in the way
8:52
Speaker 3: that you do.
8:52
Speaker 1: Like that's something to.
8:53
Speaker 3: Be so fucking proud or proud of, so proud of,
8:56
Speaker 3: and I believe that that would be one of the
8:58
Speaker 3: reasons why you guys have been so strong for so long.
9:00
Speaker 1: You've been able to enjoy the little.
9:02
Speaker 3: Moments and being able to travel all around together, the
9:05
Speaker 3: three of you and really like savor all of those
9:08
Speaker 3: moments together. And it doesn't take away how hard it's
9:11
Speaker 3: been for you guys, and the pressure that you both
9:13
Speaker 3: would feel from everything outside of you. And like why
9:16
Speaker 3: she said, it's not you, guys, it's.
9:17
Speaker 1: Not I I really believe it's not you guys a.
9:20
Speaker 3: Beautiful bond or something so beautiful, so proud of you know,
9:23
Speaker 3: so it's just like, oh, my goodness. Also another layer
9:26
Speaker 3: of like your partner being suicidal and him really struggling
9:29
Speaker 3: mentally too, because it's that makes it so multi layered
9:32
Speaker 3: everything that you're going through. I just want to say,
9:34
Speaker 3: I'm so sorry for everything that you're going through and
9:36
Speaker 3: what you're holding right now would feel like the weight
9:39
Speaker 3: of the world is sitting on your fucking shoulders every
9:41
Speaker 3: single day, and I just take my hat off to
9:43
Speaker 3: your mama.
9:44
Speaker 2: The first thing that comes to my head. And if
9:46
Speaker 2: I was in your situation, and I know I talk
9:47
Speaker 2: about this all the time, but it's like, get support. Yeah,
9:50
Speaker 2: you guys are not meant to do this alone. Get
9:52
Speaker 2: support individually. That'd be so cool for him to have
9:55
Speaker 2: a men's coach and for you to have someone like you, Tiana,
9:58
Speaker 2: that can like actually hold her and support her, like
10:01
Speaker 2: I'm not sure if your name mama, queen mama. You're
10:04
Speaker 2: taking care of everyone, You're holding, like you said, the
10:06
Speaker 2: weight of your world on your shoulders, like who's taking
10:08
Speaker 2: care of you? And not unfortunately but kind of like
10:12
Speaker 2: things probably aren't gonna change, So it's like what's out
10:15
Speaker 2: of your control. We have to accept that this is
10:18
Speaker 2: our reality, this is our routine, this is our life.
10:21
Speaker 2: We have to find gratitude for what we do have,
10:24
Speaker 2: but also why you go through that if you have
10:26
Speaker 2: someone holding you through that. It's gonna make it so
10:28
Speaker 2: much lighter. Yeah, it doesn't take it away. And also
10:31
Speaker 2: support in other ways, like whether it's you know, you
10:34
Speaker 2: said you're in a really great financial position, Get a nanny, yeah,
10:37
Speaker 2: get an o pair, get someone else to come in
10:39
Speaker 2: and like bring a new energy and take the load off,
10:42
Speaker 2: Go and have a fucking date night and support that.
10:46
Speaker 2: There is so many options that I would be exploring.
10:48
Speaker 2: And it's not like I always think there's always gonna
10:50
Speaker 2: be someone that comes back and be like, oh, Ashley,
10:52
Speaker 2: you just palm your kids off. It's not about that.
10:54
Speaker 2: It's about it takes a fucking village to raise a
10:56
Speaker 2: family and a child with high needs a hundred times harder. Yeah,
11:01
Speaker 2: you need support. That does not make you a weak moum.
11:03
Speaker 2: It does not make you a bad mum. You need
11:05
Speaker 2: to be able to take care of yourself otherwise you
11:07
Speaker 2: can't take care of them in the way that you
11:08
Speaker 2: want to. And you're also still a human. You still
11:11
Speaker 2: need to have support, have love, have hobbies, have connection,
11:14
Speaker 2: have all the things that every human requires. And for
11:18
Speaker 2: your relationship, I think it would just be so beautiful
11:20
Speaker 2: for you guys to have support and you've got the
11:23
Speaker 2: finances and the means to do so, why fuck would
11:25
Speaker 2: you not? Absolutely, it's like, straightaway after you listen to this,
11:28
Speaker 2: whether it's looks reading in, reach out to Tiana, like
11:31
Speaker 2: have a conversation. If it's not Tiana and it's someone else, amazing,
11:34
Speaker 2: you're partner. I could send you three male coaches if
11:36
Speaker 2: you want to send me a DM, I will send you.
11:38
Speaker 2: I'll give you the names now, Taylor Cecil, Brad Fennel.
11:41
Speaker 2: I'll probably just those two incredible male coaches, absolutely incredible.
11:45
Speaker 2: They work mainly with men. Like having that support would
11:48
Speaker 2: just be an absolute game changer. And then I would
11:50
Speaker 2: look at bringing someone else into the family to help
11:52
Speaker 2: take some low because it sounds like your family are
11:54
Speaker 2: not stepping up because you said, quote unquote that your
11:56
Speaker 2: little girl's too much. The right person coming into your family,
11:58
Speaker 2: your little girl would be so loved upon. Yeah, Like
12:00
Speaker 2: I have a nanny and it's I know it's a
12:02
Speaker 2: different situation, but she like cries of happening with how
12:04
Speaker 2: much she loves Tala. Like her days off, She's like,
12:07
Speaker 2: I'm bored, I want to come to work.
12:09
Speaker 3: I want to be of Tala, you know, and I
12:11
Speaker 3: know like NDAs workers who do support with people with
12:15
Speaker 3: special needs and who need that extra level of care.
12:17
Speaker 3: Some people have two carers, yes, two full time cares.
12:19
Speaker 3: You're literally doing the job of so many humans right now.
12:23
Speaker 3: And also of course because you love her so much,
12:24
Speaker 3: and also it's a lot what you're holding and there's
12:27
Speaker 3: only so long that you can do. Like you said,
12:29
Speaker 3: you've got cares burnout, like there's only so much you
12:31
Speaker 3: can do for so long before everything.
12:32
Speaker 1: Else starts to trouble.
12:33
Speaker 3: Nou And you're living life for the first time too,
12:37
Speaker 3: and I think that's something that you deserve so much,
12:39
Speaker 3: just compassion and support along the way. And I know
12:41
Speaker 3: you feel isolated and family aren't able to help, and
12:44
Speaker 3: you know what they're obviously there's love there and they
12:46
Speaker 3: just don't have the capacity and we don't judge them
12:49
Speaker 3: for that. But it's like what else can you do?
12:51
Speaker 3: Like what actually said, you can control the controllables and
12:54
Speaker 3: what can you control? And by the sounds of it,
12:56
Speaker 3: you guys have an incredible relationship. You have a deep
12:59
Speaker 3: connection right, there's safety, there's stability. You guys have brought
13:03
Speaker 3: other people into relationship. There is this serious level of
13:05
Speaker 3: trust and safety there and found a solid foundation. Can
13:09
Speaker 3: you guys lean into each other more in this you
13:11
Speaker 3: guys are struggling, suffering, bring it into each other, lean
13:13
Speaker 3: on each other, be your support system so that you
13:15
Speaker 3: guys don't lean out from each other. And then, like
13:17
Speaker 3: what actually said, go get support. But if you do
13:20
Speaker 3: couples counseling, marriage counseling, something that you can bring that
13:22
Speaker 3: in and actually allow your husband to be supported too,
13:25
Speaker 3: because the conditioning around men is we're strong, we don't cry,
13:29
Speaker 3: like we have to be the rock of the house.
13:31
Speaker 3: But they also suffer because of it because they're not
13:33
Speaker 3: allowed to talk about it because it's not normalized for
13:35
Speaker 3: them to have a conversation and be vulnerable and be
13:38
Speaker 3: open about the fact that they are suffering so bad
13:40
Speaker 3: because it's impacting him in his own separate way as
13:43
Speaker 3: it is to you.
13:44
Speaker 2: As much as you can lean on each other. It
13:47
Speaker 2: also could be that like you feel like you can't
13:49
Speaker 2: at the moment because you don't want to go to
13:50
Speaker 2: him because he's suicidal and feeling like he can't handle
13:53
Speaker 2: life right now, so that would prevent you from going
13:54
Speaker 2: to him, And him is the man and provider that
13:56
Speaker 2: I'm sure he is. He doesn't want to go to
13:58
Speaker 2: you with his problems because he can see how much
14:00
Speaker 2: you're holding with the kids and how much you're struggling,
14:02
Speaker 2: how much you're burned out.
14:03
Speaker 1: This is why you get support. Yeah, because your.
14:05
Speaker 2: Partner cannot be everything to you at every given moment.
14:09
Speaker 1: They just can't.
14:09
Speaker 2: It's too much pressure for anyone, let alone when you're
14:12
Speaker 2: holding what you're holding. That's why you get a coach.
14:14
Speaker 2: That's why you have outside support, That's why you bring
14:16
Speaker 2: someone into help. So I just, yeah, that's why I
14:18
Speaker 2: would be doing that without even a hesitation. I know
14:21
Speaker 2: there might be fears around that, but like once you experience,
14:24
Speaker 2: that's why we talk about someone. Once you experience having
14:26
Speaker 2: that level of support, Like why the fucking I do
14:28
Speaker 2: this sooner?
14:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, and for you and.
14:30
Speaker 3: For your kids, and I think as well sometimes I mean,
14:32
Speaker 3: I don't know. This is obviously my situation is very different.
14:35
Speaker 3: But in the past, when I've held my struggles look
14:39
Speaker 3: very different. But when I've held my own struggles, I
14:41
Speaker 3: kind of wore them as like a badge of honor,
14:42
Speaker 3: Like being the strong one was like a badge of honor,
14:44
Speaker 3: like something to be proud of. And like, no, it's okay.
14:47
Speaker 3: I can do it all on my own and I'm
14:48
Speaker 3: resilient and I'm the rock for everyone and everyone leans
14:51
Speaker 3: on me, and you know, I give advice to everyone,
14:54
Speaker 3: but no one supports me. Like it was almost something
14:56
Speaker 3: that I wore as something I was proud of. Yeah,
14:58
Speaker 3: And I think a lot of women tend to do that.
15:00
Speaker 3: They tend to be the strong one for everyone else,
15:02
Speaker 3: but they're fucking crumbling inside and it sound it's like
15:05
Speaker 3: you're in that position too. And I promise you we don't, unfortunately,
15:08
Speaker 3: get a medal for being the strong one, and it
15:10
Speaker 3: doesn't benefit us in any way. What actually will benefit
15:13
Speaker 3: you is getting support and knowing that you have a
15:16
Speaker 3: place to crumble when you need it, because that's something
15:18
Speaker 3: going to make you a better mother, a better partner,
15:20
Speaker 3: a better version of yourself for yourself and that shell
15:23
Speaker 3: of a human that you feel that you are. You're
15:25
Speaker 3: going to start to get your spark back. You'll start
15:27
Speaker 3: to get that life in your eyes, that little sparkle
15:29
Speaker 3: in your eye. Life will stop feeling like different shades
15:32
Speaker 3: of gray and start to feel a little bit like
15:33
Speaker 3: color again. But like, in order to get that, you've
15:35
Speaker 3: got to start, and that's I think the hardest step
15:38
Speaker 3: for most of the time.
15:40
Speaker 2: I know you said you feel like you're at the
15:41
Speaker 2: end of the relationship. If I was in your position,
15:44
Speaker 2: I would start with the conversation with my partner. And
15:46
Speaker 2: if you're truly wanting to make this work and stay,
15:48
Speaker 2: which I believe you are, is just like say that
15:50
Speaker 2: to him.
15:51
Speaker 1: I know this is not us.
15:53
Speaker 2: We have so much evidence of the love and the
15:55
Speaker 2: safety and the foundation of what we're built and we
15:58
Speaker 2: are just so fucking depleted. But like, let's remember that
16:01
Speaker 2: we are a team. And also, if you decided to separate,
16:06
Speaker 2: I know you're worried about your daughter's feeling, like how
16:09
Speaker 2: you've felt with your dad and your stepdad. I don't
16:11
Speaker 2: believe your husband is your stepdad or your real dad.
16:15
Speaker 2: By the sounds of it, he's going to be around
16:16
Speaker 2: for your girls. He wants to be around the girls children.
16:19
Speaker 2: Not sure what the gender of the other one is.
16:21
Speaker 2: It's easy to project our fears onto our kids and
16:23
Speaker 2: what might happen, but separation doesn't mean the kids don't
16:27
Speaker 2: feel loved or good enough. Yeah, so it's understandable that's
16:30
Speaker 2: coming up for you, but it doesn't mean it's going
16:32
Speaker 2: to be the reality for your girls if you decided
16:34
Speaker 2: to separate. You know, coparenting can look really beautiful. Yeah,
16:38
Speaker 2: and kids can still feel super super loved and super
16:40
Speaker 2: superten Carol by both parents. So just the two roofs,
16:43
Speaker 2: you know, just a different perspective, of course. But I
16:46
Speaker 2: don't think you guys are there, and I truly think
16:48
Speaker 2: you guys have so much love there.
16:50
Speaker 3: Well you even said it yourself. Feel like I don't
16:51
Speaker 3: actually want that if you were to end up separating.
16:54
Speaker 3: It sounds like you have a magical bond. And I've
16:56
Speaker 3: said that like five times in this but because it
16:58
Speaker 3: is true, Like I can hear it in the way
17:00
Speaker 3: that you speak about your partner, how much you love him,
17:03
Speaker 3: you know.
17:03
Speaker 1: So I guess it doesn't look like it you too.
17:05
Speaker 3: It's not going to life is like that. Life is
17:08
Speaker 3: ebbs and flows and ups and downs. And from what
17:10
Speaker 3: I've heard, I mean, I haven't been in a long
17:12
Speaker 3: term relationship longer than three and a half years, three
17:15
Speaker 3: four years, So take this with a grain of salt.
17:18
Speaker 3: But what I've learned and what I've seen witnessing other
17:21
Speaker 3: people do it, is that you reinvent yourself and you
17:24
Speaker 3: have to reintroduce yourself time and time and time again,
17:27
Speaker 3: and see if you guys meet where you're at beautiful
17:31
Speaker 3: that you guys get to go on that journey together
17:33
Speaker 3: and even though it's hard, it's like why quit in
17:35
Speaker 3: the hard season?
17:37
Speaker 1: You know?
17:38
Speaker 2: And think of your life like a book. How your
17:40
Speaker 2: chapter one, two and three is compared to your chapter
17:42
Speaker 2: twelve and thirteen, compared to your chapter sixteen and seventeen.
17:45
Speaker 1: They all look completely different.
17:46
Speaker 2: I don't know why this is going to my head now,
17:47
Speaker 2: but you think, like the fifty Shades are gray movies. Yeah,
17:49
Speaker 2: they're so sexual and they're in these sex dungeons and
17:52
Speaker 2: they're trying all these things. And then the end of
17:53
Speaker 2: the last movie, they've got two kids and they're out
17:55
Speaker 2: having a picnic on the grass.
17:57
Speaker 1: It's gonna look different. They're in a.
17:59
Speaker 2: Different scene, a different chapter. Like it you guys having
18:01
Speaker 2: threesomes and going through all those fun, exciting times and
18:04
Speaker 2: traveling and working the bar and that electric feeling like
18:07
Speaker 2: that's different.
18:08
Speaker 1: To what it is now.
18:09
Speaker 2: And yes, you can grieve what you thought life would
18:12
Speaker 2: have been, not trying to take any of that, because
18:14
Speaker 2: that can still be there that's very real for you.
18:16
Speaker 2: And also two things in coal exist. So where can
18:19
Speaker 2: we start to lean on gratitude more? Where can we
18:21
Speaker 2: start to find micro moments of joy in the moments
18:24
Speaker 2: you do have with your daughter because she's still here
18:27
Speaker 2: with you, she still can feel your love, she can
18:30
Speaker 2: touch and feel your cuddles, you know, all those little
18:32
Speaker 2: micro moments.
18:33
Speaker 1: It's still really specially and really important.
18:35
Speaker 2: I think that's what I would be really trying to
18:37
Speaker 2: lean into, yeah, because otherwise you just aspiral and what
18:41
Speaker 2: used to be and what you want it to be
18:42
Speaker 2: and what you thought it would look like, and comparing
18:44
Speaker 2: what your friends' kids are doing. It's like, how can
18:46
Speaker 2: I find beauty, love, connection, joy, play memorable moments in
18:50
Speaker 2: what we do have right now in front of us?
18:53
Speaker 2: And yeah, I haven't been through what you've been through,
18:55
Speaker 2: so I'm sure it's a lot easier so than done.
18:57
Speaker 2: So tell me each other fuck up. But I imagine
19:00
Speaker 2: if I put myself in your shoes, I was like, okay,
19:02
Speaker 2: Like I would have to let go of what I
19:03
Speaker 2: can't control. Yeah, try and step into what's helped me
19:06
Speaker 2: through all my hard situations. Just finding lessons, finding the
19:08
Speaker 2: gratitude and also allowing myself to grieve and let it
19:11
Speaker 2: come up. And I think as well as getting support
19:13
Speaker 2: for yourself, like things like breathwork classes, like investing and
19:17
Speaker 2: looking into different modalities that could help you somatically, like
19:21
Speaker 2: move some of that stored energy and trammell from your
19:23
Speaker 2: childhood and grief like in breath work, grief is a
19:27
Speaker 2: huge thing that comes up. We've actually hired a grief
19:30
Speaker 2: specialist in our Barley Retreat. She's coming to do a
19:33
Speaker 2: workshop and body healing around grief because she lost her
19:37
Speaker 2: brother to suicide and now she trains other people how
19:40
Speaker 2: to take these workshops and help people move through grief
19:42
Speaker 2: because we all have to experience it. Yeah, every single
19:44
Speaker 2: one of us will experience in one shape or form
19:46
Speaker 2: in another, you know, whether it's grieving a past life,
19:49
Speaker 2: grieving a part and grieving someone that's still alive, yeap,
19:51
Speaker 2: grieving the loss of a grandpa, Like, we all grieve,
19:54
Speaker 2: but no one teaches us how to deal with that
19:56
Speaker 2: and how to move through it. So that's why we've
19:57
Speaker 2: got it in our Barley Retreat. Yeah, I would be
19:59
Speaker 2: looking into more support, building your village around you, and
20:04
Speaker 2: we want it to be our family.
20:05
Speaker 1: I get it.
20:05
Speaker 2: I wish my family was around too. A co option
20:08
Speaker 2: online all the time about having an anny, I'm my god.
20:10
Speaker 2: I would love to have my mum here and have
20:12
Speaker 2: her do it, but she's not. I would love to
20:15
Speaker 2: call up my stupid dad that's never been in my life,
20:17
Speaker 2: but he's not here. Yeah, so yes, I pay my village. Yeah,
20:20
Speaker 2: and I'm not ashamed to say that. You know.
20:22
Speaker 1: Yeah, so that's what I would be doing. But I'm
20:25
Speaker 1: so sorry for what you're going through. I was ill
20:27
Speaker 1: give you a big hug.
20:28
Speaker 3: Yeah.
20:28
Speaker 2: Wish I knew your name so I could reach out
20:29
Speaker 2: and send your voice misterge on Instagram.
20:31
Speaker 3: Send us a follow up, or if you feel brave,
20:33
Speaker 3: we'd love to chat with you on Instagram or just
20:35
Speaker 3: let us know where you're at. What this next season
20:37
Speaker 3: for you looks like after you listen to this episode.
20:39
Speaker 2: Any questions you have, even our accelerated program be so cool.
20:43
Speaker 2: It might be in a group of other women, or
20:44
Speaker 2: even it's not with us, like yeah, getting in a
20:46
Speaker 2: community or a forum or an online coaching program, or
20:49
Speaker 2: you get to connect with other women. Yeah, Like there's
20:50
Speaker 2: even Facebook forums. You know that you can find other
20:54
Speaker 2: families and other mums who are going through what you're
20:55
Speaker 2: going through, because then it makes it not feel so lonely. Yeah,
20:58
Speaker 2: that's something i'd be looking into as well. But yeah,
21:01
Speaker 2: any other questions or any support you need, please reach out.
21:03
Speaker 1: Yeah. I was sending you so much love.
21:05
Speaker 3: All right, We'll see you on the next one.
21:07
Speaker 2: Bye guys, Bye,