Latest / Author Hour / Sex, Drugs, and Soul: Kristin Birdwell on Writing Through Fear and What a Memoir Sets in Motion
Transcript
- speaker-0: I am so honored to have Kristen Birdwell joining me, the author of Sex, Drugs and Soul. So Kristen, can you just tell us a little bit about yourself and your book? speaker-1: Yeah. I'm like, how far back are we going? I would say I'm playful, a little bit goofy, fun, loving, kind, like just like personality wise, and a little bit about my book. I mean, the title kind of encompasses a little bit, but it's definitely a self discovery journey that starts whenever I mean, I was early twenties and I show up on the d ⁓ doorstep of this like decades older shutter daddy and I thought it was gonna be how my fairy tale started. And, you know, a week later in Mexico he's reciting poetry and all this stuff. But there's a little bit of turbulence ahead in that book. And so it just follows my journey through grief and abuse to finally finding like self love and the self discovery aspects, acceptance. So it's a wild ride told through that lens, but speaker-0: I'm always curious, when did that twinkle start when you knew that you needed to write the book about this? speaker-1: Yeah, so I think that the idea I always knew I was gonna write a book. I've always been a lover of stories, reading since gay high, lived in my imagination. And then but for this one, it started out as like a fiction book first. And then I just got to the point I think I was coaching some people and creativity and it was just gnawing at me that I hadn't put out the thing in the world that I was feeling called to the most at that time. And it switched. It switched to memoir and I started writing it. I mean, there were threads that started, you know, ten years before, but whenever I hired a writing coach and editor in twenty nineteen is whenever I feel like I buckled down and got serious about it. And I was like, I know, I'll show up, I'll have the accountability to keep me in check. And then COVID happened and I had always, you know, said that I'm like, God, I wish I just had like the time, energy, space, resources to deca dedicate just to writing. And I got that wish in a way. And so I wrote my book through COVID and then did the first round of edits about in June twenty twenty. And then yeah, did the next round twenty twenty one and towards the end of then I was like, Okay, I need to get this thing out there and published in twenty twenty two. speaker-0: Do you mind telling the audience about your detective's office night and the dark night? speaker-1: Yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah, I always like whenever retrospectively I whenever I had initially like outlined this book, I was like, ⁓ I don't need to include that in there. And I think that whenever I got to that point in the chapter, I was like, ⁓ my god, I have to include this. This was like the part of my climatic journey that launched me into deeper self inquiry. Yeah, I was in the detective's office because a guy I was dating attempted to hire a hitman and like Whenever I found out or like whenever it came to like ⁓ the surface that this had happened, I was in another country. I was like, this doesn't work. Like I'm in this other country. But yeah, it totally felt like the ID channel, but it also was like, okay, it put me in a place of making different choices because I was like, okay, I've I've dated this guy and this this guy's been unavailable in this way, this guy's been unavailable in a different way. But what's the common denominator here? It's me. So it's like, okay, how do I how do I fix my picker? How do I yeah, find a different relationship with myself and how will that be reflected in the relationships that I choose to, you know, date or have in my life going forward? So it was definitely like a hold up the mirror to myself moment and and shifting my trajectory completely. That was a I would say I started on the pathway of like healing and self discovery, reading lots of books. At that time I also went to go see like a medium because my dad had just died probably nine months earlier and or maybe a little bit longer than that, maybe like a little bit over a year. But I was just kind of feeling lost and like seeking all these like external whether it was validation or like trying to numb my feelings and alcohol, drugs or the attention of men. I but I went there and she told me, Slick, you know, you're you have what I call alien hands and you're meant to be a healer. And I was like, I've never felt more fucked up in my life. What do you mean? But but it gave me like a marker to move towards. And so I'm like, okay, if I'm supposed to show up in the world as this or that, even though I don't know what this or that looks like, I'm gonna start making different choices. And so just like bit by bit, and you know, sometimes it'd be like two steps forward, one back type of things or what felt like that. But yeah. I I would say that it all culminated in like that self love journey. speaker-0: How did you deal with all that? Because your your book is, you know, it's a very emotional memoir and it goes over some some darkness and some self-discovery. And that that journey can be very, very emotional, just putting it on the page. How did you deal with those fears and you know, how did you not stop? How did you keep going when you're going through and putting it all on the page like that? speaker-1: They're writing it. All right. So I was like, wait, the through those moments, maybe self medication at first. No. No. ⁓ I just I've always deeply held and believed, and this was probably tr attributed to my mom, that all things work out for good, even if I can't see it in that moment. And so there was a bit of that that's like baked into my identity instead of beliefs. But then also I believe that what why I was doing it or why the pursuit of or like The more of the mission or the impact that it could potentially have on others outweighed like any strife or fears that I may be sitting in. And so it just kind of helped put things in perspective. If I took it outside of me and like, okay, this can help someone someday. And through the process of it totally helped me because I was like, ⁓ my God, this moment at kindergarten or whatever, this is why I made this or just like connected the dots in so many different ways. Whenever I was outlining and being like, Wow, that influenced me, or just like these moments of like deep resonance that clocked in, like, God, I just got to know myself in a different way. Very intimate too. It's I always say whenever I'm talking to people about writing books or sharing their stories, I'm like listening to our longings is one of the biggest acts of self-love. So even though it's like I was telling this story of getting to my point or first, I like I would say first marker of love self-love and of acceptance. Going through the process of is really what brought me there too. And I think about like all these tools that have been taught and like the power of repetition and our subconscious mind and those sort of things. Well, I'm like writing all these things out and I'm like repeating it and reading it and editing it so many times and I'm like helped instill those lessons or different mindset that were greater than the fear. And I also read like lots of different books that talk about there really only being two choices, fear or love. And when we fear those or have those moments, it's a call for more love. And so I just kind of was gentle on myself, gave myself space, ate a lot of dark chocolate and had that, you know, vision in mind of like, okay, this will help others. speaker-0: ⁓ that's great. And it has and it's led to a lot of different things. I was wondering, you know, this was about four years ago that you published. What brought you to scribe back at that time? speaker-1: I wanted to own the creative control or like have the creative rights and 'cause I knew one day I'm like, okay, I might be working on a T V show or book or something. And like I wanted to own all of the decisions too that went into it, like, okay, cover what stays, what goes. So I'd say that creative control is a big piece of it. And I wanted to be walk hand kind of hand holded through the process. And I've still wanted it to look like a professionally published book. Like I've seen a ton of like you know, Kindle direct publishing like uploads. I'm like, I can tell. And so I did. I wanted to still have like this professional looking packaging. Because for a while, like I did query. I was like, I am not, I'm gonna query. And then I was like, no, I I really want this thing to help support me on my mission. And even if I were to get an agent, it probably I'm looking at 18 to 24 months outside of, you know, that time frame. I'm like, I want this thing like out yesterday. So a little bit of impatience too brought me to y'all's doorstep. And it's seeing all the different success stories and yeah. speaker-0: Now, my understanding, obviously, it's led to a terrific podcast that you host, but it also I believe you might be co-writing a TV show. Yeah. speaker-1: I'm working out. Yeah, it's been really cool. And we're just having so much fun with it. Just throwing, like we, I have a riding partner for that one. It's been so fun to kind of not get lost in the sauce a little bit, but just like laugh so much along the way. Like with my book, it was just so like, yeah, there were moments where I'd be like typing and crying and like, no. With this, I'm laughing and it's just so fun that it's like had a different energy and feel to it. So yeah, we're playing with that. We've just we've finished the pilot. Now we're in the process of like getting advisement on it. And we got some really good feedback a couple of weeks ago. It almost brings tears to my eyes. Yeah. But this woman, Dawn DeKyler, she's awesome. She's been she's worked on a lot of Emmy, Emmy Award winning shows. And she's like, I don't say this often, but this one has a lot of potential because of the world you created and the people and a couple of other elements. But I was like, ⁓ my god, yay! How cool. speaker-0: And do you feel like you manifested this? Because ⁓ my understanding is there as I recall, when you started writing this book, you kind of had a TV show in mind, or at least that that that glimmer of hope. So did you manifest ⁓ your book turning into a TV pilot? speaker-1: me in a year. No, no, I'm kidding. I kind of always that's been a definitely one of the visual markers or like ⁓ whether it's on my vision board or goals, like yeah, I just I've always wanted to see something come to life in that format, whether it was a T V show or a movie. And this one, you know, it has threads of my story, but it's got so much like more richness and and fun and depth added to it that I'm like, ⁓ I love this. speaker-0: That's amazing. And what what led to you launching your podcast? And can you tell us about some of the cool things that have happened with your podcast? speaker-1: Yeah. So I've always been more of a writer and like had my solace and just like comfortability. Like I'm like, that is my jam. That is me. Like I I feel more introverted, even though like I know I can present a little more extroverted or I walk that line. Like I love my solo solitude riding time. And then I knew I wanted to show up in the world in different ways and like let let me get some exercise and using my voice. And then when I was like, Okay, I'll try this hat on. And then I'm like, what am I gonna call it? And then I'm like, ⁓ I'll just call it the same title as the book. I didn't really think about, you know, any censorship or any I don't know, but I I do love it. But yeah, it just started as like an exercise to use my voice, really. And then now looking back on it retrospectively, I'm like, ⁓ wow, it's cool. Like I took people on the journey of not knowing it, but being awful. And like now I have like 120 episodes under my belt, which is kind of cool that you can go along on a journey like ⁓ wow, she's getting her footing. So audio might not be the best here. ⁓ cool. And I have like an insatiable curiosity. So I'd say that meeting people and getting to know their stories or sharing or amplifying like their story or their voices or their projects in the world. It's been really cool. And it's a great way to like get to know someone, like sod into someone's DMs and be like, hey, I'd love for you to come on my podcast and my fireboard has gotten even bigger since doing it in person. I started doing it in person about episode like seventy five, I think. And yeah, just like sitting down with someone, like having a conversation with no cell phone. Maybe my notes are on my phone, right? But just like dropping in with someone, it's really cool. So connecting with people that I never thought I would connect with before, I actually have on a really cool creative guy that's coming or I'm meeting him tomorrow to record the podcast. But yeah, I don't know if that like meeting or encounter would happen had I not started this and had this platform to to offer to people and connect and connect with them. speaker-0: Man, it's it is a great way. There seems something like really human about podcasts. Like, if you would have said, are people gonna tune into one hour, two hour, three hour conversations between other people? But like, there's no way. But it seems so like human to just be able to listen to a podcast with two people talking. It reminds me of When I was growing up being around the campfire and listening to my dad and his uncles and the grandparents all talking. And as a young child, like I wouldn't say anything, but I would learn so much and hear who these people actually are as they're sharing stories and shooting the shit and you know, giving each other crap. All that stuff is like so genuine. And there's something so human about that. speaker-1: love it like just the and I feel like I'm so with my phone all the time that to have that you know uninterrupted time with someone to have a conversation I love and kind of like you said I remember being at the top of the steps that like when my dad and his buddies were like downstairs playing pole or having a beer or something and like getting to satisfy like eavesdrop and like learning something but kind of feeling like I don't know like they don't know I'm there like a fly on the wall type of thing. Yeah. This satisfies a little bit of that for me too, in a way. Like especially when I listen to other podcasts, I'm like, ⁓ I kinda just feel like you know, mate, am I in the green room? I'm just like eavesdropping or, you know, on this conversation. And so it's kind of fun whenever I look at it in that way too. And yeah, yeah. speaker-0: So yeah, and it just like that. You know, you can go direct to the people that you you know, if you're really interested in this author, you can listen to them candidly on a podcast or this actor or this CEO or this, you know, physicist. You can literally just find on YouTube or Spotify or Apple Podcasts and just sit in on a conversation with somebody that you admire and hear how they actually talk around a kitchen table. speaker-1: Yeah, I love it. It's cool. Or like find something or like, okay, I wanna laugh. So I'm gonna listen to or yeah, I just even like struggle being like, Okay, that person sounds interesting. Let's go. speaker-0: Right, right. So one of my favorite questions that we ask on author hour is what were some of the unexpected great things that you didn't foresee after publishing your book? speaker-1: Say, like during look towards the end of it, or as I was getting ready to publish, I mean, I had just ⁓ so the kindness that people extended to they're like, hey, I manage this TV show. Do you want to come on it? And like on the morning news thing, I was like, sure. Did not have that in my realm or you know, wheelhouse, or but it was just like offered and presented. I was like, okay, cool, dope. Yeah, I would say whether it's like different speaking opportunities, Another one. I was like, ⁓ forget about this. South by Southwest. I feel like if I had not published my book andor started the podcast, being a s a storytelling mentor for South by Southwest a couple of years in a row, that's definitely been like a highlight. Like not only do I get the like platinum badge to get to like debop around town, but I like also get to give back and have these sessions with people that are interested in like storytelling or marketing or whatever it is. That's been really neat. I mean, the The continued thread of the T V show is cool. Yeah. It and the more on a sentimental sentimental note, it's like having people, whether it's what I intended or how I meant the page or word to land, right? Having the effect on someone else so much so that they'd be inclined to reach out. Whether it's about someone's like, ⁓ I feel like you wrote this for me and my journey with grief with my dad. I'm like, Wow, that that's incredible. It there's I'm like, this is why I did it. Then like those messages that just show up on my inbox or, you know, text thread or yeah, that's pretty cool. speaker-0: There's something really beautiful about that. speaker-1: Yeah. It's just like, okay, I all those nights were worth it, all those days were worth it. The moments of doubt, like just continuing to go. Yeah. speaker-0: And if there's somebody out there that is considering writing their memoir and they're stuck or they just can't get over the fear, do you have any advice to somebody that was maybe you in like twenty nineteen and has that glimmer that they want to write but is struggling with the fear and struggling with getting started? speaker-1: I'd say follow it, lean into it. I truly believe that if you have that inkling or desire, it's kind of like our future self whispering to us in the present moment, being like, Hey, this thing, I need you, I need you to follow this route. So there's that, but then there's also like this beautiful like self-love journey, listening to your longings and showing up for it and like you build this like self-trust over time. I'm like with the other fears, like you can like. I also believe truly that if you have that, then there's someone on the other side that needs to hear it or read it or that it will resonate with it. And so to put it in that perspective and it's like, who are you to not share your gifts or story in the world? And that may be like a little bit of I don't know, is that harsher medicine? But to really like if you have this beautiful story and there's someone on the other side that could benefit from it. Well, even if it's just like being seen or not feeling alone on their journey, like feel like you owe it to the world. No pressure. But and yeah, and with the years, I'm just like it you can acknowledge them and you can tell your story in such a kind way. Like you can change names if it's a memoir, you can have conversations with people. Like I speaker-0: Yeah. speaker-1: Totally changed names or asked people. I went to ⁓ like, Hey, I'm gonna write this story. Would you want me to change your name? And then some people said yes, some people said no. And then I shared pages with people. You don't have to do that, but also I felt like it was the respectful thing to do. Cause I'm like, okay, if someone was gonna write XYZ about me, I'd love if they offer me the the opportunity to give input or insight or like my takeaway into it. And I did, and like there was an identifying detail that I needed to change. So Yeah, I just feel like you can do it with kindness and respect and still show up for yourself and your story. 'Cause it is vulnerable. speaker-0: It's scary. Yeah. Yeah. ⁓ did Scribe help you through that process? speaker-1: I would say having someone to bounce it off of. I you know, I wanna say I'm thinking I might I maybe have asked about the legalities of it. And I I think I remember sending an email about that. But I think it a lot of it came from my heart and wanting to do right with people. Yeah. And like I didn't want to feel like a s a scorned lover talking about this relationship because that, you know, in so many ways that it impacted me maybe quote unquote negatively. There were just as many like like positive things that I could take away with it or the meaning that I sign now. But yeah, I would say just having like the support or cheerleader in the back was a lot. But I feel like I was the one that actually like that was like, Okay, I'm gonna reach out or extend this. speaker-0: Definitely. It was there anything like one of the biggest questions that we get from other aut authors is, you know, how am I going to market this? You know, am I going to do Amazon ads? Am I going to send out a bunch of advanced copies? How am I going to get people to do Amazon reviews for me? Am I going to have my own website? Am I going to cede it to public relations people? Were there any things that worked for you on the book marketing side that were Lessons learned that you should share with others. speaker-1: For sure. And y'all totally help me with that. Because like with the email sequencing and reaching out to people and like just creating a list of anyone who I might have ever crossed with before and I have their email address. I'm like, like you probably received at least that first round email. Yeah. And gearing up and the and positioning it and what categories to f to, you know, slot into that may be the best marketing wise. So there was definitely support in that realm. I'd say now, like There was a little bit of me that whenever I got to that finish line, I'm like, ⁓ my God, I'm done. Now I have to market this thing. Are you kidding me? Like I it was like a little bit of what felt like part postpartum book birthing is what I call it, because I was like, why? speaker-0: ⁓ that's great. speaker-1: It's true. Only like my kid was birthed and went to college on the same day. It's like they're on their own journey. Bye. Yeah. I really did feel like holding my little book, baby. And so yeah, I would say to me, people that listen to podcasts are probably gonna be people that listen to books or audiobooks too, or read them. So I feel like there's a good pathway for podcasts. And I know for me, if I receive a pitch with someone that had has published a book, I'm like, ⁓ this is. I love this because it all it automatically gives me like a conversation frame or direction. And so it's like, ⁓ here. It's such like an easy guest or easier guess for me, in my opinion. And let's see what else, like marketing wise. I mean, like you probably do it all like see what throw some spaghetti at the wall, see what sticks. But yeah, definitely like the email and positioning beforehand because then speaker-0: Right. speaker-1: And y'all had like all the insight and tools to know like how what would most likely carry it to be an Amazon bestseller and it did, which was really cool to watch and witness and go on that journey the day of. Yeah. I'm like, I would say fill it out and like have y'all's expert and guidance. speaker-0: What did it feel like when you saw your locked book cover? speaker-1: That was cool, but I feel like what I had the most emotional response to was holding it for the first time. Because I was like, ⁓ my God, here's this thing that I've been baking on for 10 plus years or that I lived to tell the tale of. And I, you know, it was just the an idea in my mind, and now it's this physical, tangible thing in my arms. Like how cool! Like that was just amazing. Like, talk about like whether it was. manifestation or action and effort and discipline to follow through. It was that was like what spot spouted the most water works from me. Going through the cover design process is really cool though. Although now I'm like, would I have would I choose the same cover? Maybe not. I know I've been talking to you a little bit or I mentioned I was like, do I do a second edition with a different cover? Add some things or threads at the end or is it the start of a new book? I don't know yet. But it was cool to like go through that design process because that's a design started as like ⁓ I was having lunch with someone and they're like, ⁓ it'd be cool if you, you know, on this side you have this, and on the other side, maybe you have a closed eye and a tear and it's like different colors and it's like plays on shadow and light since the subtitle is like finding grace in the shadow. And and so it was cool to like give that to the cover designer and then let's see what transpired or kinda came up. And then go through the different selection. I do remember where I was though and I like, ⁓ my goodness I was at Barrett Jackson of all places in in Stottsdell there, John and I at a car auction. speaker-0: ⁓ Where were you? Man, it's that's that's quite a memory. I mean, those things like the one that I have is, you know, I'll always remember where I was on 9-11. You know, that's that's one of those for me. And for you to have that moment for your book cover. That's we're so honored that we were a part of that. So you wrote an amazing memoir about your life up until that point four years ago. It led to you being a creative coach for South by Southwest. It led to you starting your own podcast. It led to people reaching out and saying that your book had helped them through grief, had helped them through a difficult time. Now you're in the process of writing a TV pilot. Could you ever have imagined all of this would happen as a result? speaker-1: Not all of it. I mean like the like you said, like the marker of the TV show, that that thread's been there. But like a lot of the different conversations are heartfelt moments or I even had someone at South by South that came up to me and they're like, Why she's that writer who writes about like sexuality and spirituality? I was like, What? In the wild someone came up to me? What? How cool. I'm like, yeah, that's me. So speaker-0: Yeah. speaker-1: It's just like those fun moments too. But yeah, the South by Southwest thing, I don't that wasn't even on my radar. I was just I I a friend sent me a like an application or something to become a mentor for them. I'm like, we'll see. Like I that had no idea or foresight into the future. Nor did I, you know, how people would resonate or which parts would resonate. 'Cause there'd be some things I'm like, that's the one that I was crying after the end of the chapter, but to have like some other random you know, passage or or scene in my mind from my life like resonate with someone. That's cool. And I could never have imagined that or which ones and with what people, because I will tell you, like you can't predict it. That's another thing I would tell the person with ears, like you can't predict who's gonna love, like, hate your book and but it's wasted energy to even try. I tried a little bit. I'm the there's someone in my family that I was like, ⁓ surely they're gonna love they're gonna support me a thousand percent. They had the most t they had the hardest time with it when there was someone that was like, ⁓ my god, I'm scared to send it to this person. It took me six months to send it to this person. They came back with a glowing review and like let me know and then love the story. And they're like, Don't get me wrong, I don't like the fact that I'm one of the main people, but so proud of you. Like this needs to be out there. And I was like, Wow. So it's like kind of cool that like those moments that even though I was like, ⁓ it's gonna happen like this, it did not happen like that. Yeah. And so that speaker-0: It just shows that importance of getting through it and finishing and that you can never predict what's gonna happen after. Yeah. Besides for you with with predicting the whole TV pilot. Yeah. speaker-1: But yeah, I mean I it sparks like a h and opens a whole world of possibilities that I feel like aren't until you cross that threshold. Yeah, so actually just keep going and and be kind to yourself on the way too. It's another thing I'd say. speaker-0: Right. That's right. Well, I'm I am looking forward to our follow up in a year or four years to see all of the new cool things that happen as a result of your book. Thank you. I'm gonna hold you to that. speaker-1: ⁓ no. speaker-0: Well, Kristen, thank you so much. And we're honored to have you as a scribe author. Please let us know if there's anything we can do to help. And I'm I'm hoping that everyone out there will pick up a copy of your book and tune in to your podcast.