Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Confidently Setting Healthy Boundaries: Self-Care, Communication & Protecting Your Energy with Melissa Crook

Transcript

Confidently Setting Healthy Boundaries: Self-Care, Communication & Protecting Your Energy with Melissa Crook · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

• 0:12
  Hello, Melissa Crook here. Welcome back to The Field
• 0:14
  podcast today. I'm so happy to be with you.
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  Today we are going to talk about confidently setting healthy
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  boundaries. And this sometimes can be like,
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  Oh no, here we go again with this conversation.
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  But I, I want to give you tips that are going to feel this
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  relatable and doable. And as you know, if you've been
• 0:34
  following me for a while or if this is your first time with me,
• 0:37
  go to embracinglayers.com and go to that contact form if you need
• 0:41
  more support on this following listening to this episode today
• 0:45
  got all kinds of resources for you.
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  But hopefully this will help you to be thinking and examining and
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  taking a look at relationships time that you give away things
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  you say yes and no to and, and making sure that you're
• 1:00
  utilizing this practice of healthy boundaries to keep your
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  life in alignment, to keep it at a schedule that's healthy for
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  you and allowing you to show up fully resourced and ready for
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  each day, not looking at your calendar and dreading what's
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  coming. So, so let's get started in this
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  conversation. Questions to ask yourself again.
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  We did this last time with our self-care practices.
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  And some of these questions are going to sound familiar because
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  these things all tie together the healthy boundaries tied with
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  the self-care, tied with knowing what your values are, tied with
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  communicating your expectations. They're all intertwined with
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  each other. So First off, do you do this?
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  Do you set healthy boundaries? Do you see that as a priority in
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  your life? Do you even know where you need
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  them? These are all things to answer.
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  And if your question, your answer to this question is no.
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  Hopefully this next few minutes will give you some ideas on how
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  to get this started or maybe it's time to reach out and get a
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  little more support. But do you do?
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  This is the first question. The next question is, if So,
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  what does that look like? Is this up to date this this
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  still feel in alignment? Is there anything that needs to
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  be recommunicated or adjusted in this?
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  And then if you don't do this, what is keeping you from doing
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  this is that I don't even know where to start.
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  Is it fear? Is it worrying about what other
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  people will think? What's getting in your way of
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  doing this? OK, so for setting healthy
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  boundaries, first of all, clearly communicating your
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  limits to others and enforcing them is not only kind to you,
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  it's kind to other people because we none of us want to
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  give a partially resourced portion of ourselves or a time
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  to someone else. No one benefits when we do this.
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  So this is a really important question to be asking yourself.
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  Are we expecting people to read our minds or are we clearly
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  communicating? When communicating healthy
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  boundaries, it's important to use I statements.
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  This is about your behavior, your choices, not someone
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  else's. You're not asking someone else
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  to alter their behavior. You're communicating what it is
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  that you need to do for yourself.
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  And then they have a choice whether they alter their
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  behavior or not. But you're not asking someone
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  else to change. That's not our responsibility.
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  You're communicating in I statements what you need, what
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  is healthy and well for you in this time, in this moment.
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  And and I think that can be really easy to get caught up in
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  how someone else's behavior is affecting the situation.
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  And it's like, well, if they just change what they're doing,
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  no, you're that's not your responsibility.
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  It's your responsibility to decide how you're going to
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  respond to what it is they're doing and the boundary you're
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  going to set in place for yourself for your benefit.
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  So really, really being clear on that and we have practices here
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  at Embracing Layers Network, where I practice this with
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  people. I give you examples of this is
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  something you're struggling with.
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  We can talk more about that. But these are really important
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  things that a lot of times if you sit down and think about
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  this, if you journalists and prioritize it, a lot of times
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  you can come up with your own solutions around this.
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  Where might you set healthy boundaries?
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  There might this might be physical boundaries, physical
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  space, space that you need. Some people have a really
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  specific need in this area when it comes to physical boundaries.
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  And this can go like, I'm not a big hugger or I that feels too
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  intimate for this work situation to touch me on the arm like
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  that. I mean, whatever it is that you
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  need to honor you. So it might be physical
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  boundaries, it might be emotional boundaries, it might
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  be deciding who it is safe to talk about certain things with
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  and who's not safe. Or taking a time out in a
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  conversation that's getting emotionally charged and you feel
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  like you need to step away from to get some clarity and come
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  back refreshed so you can actually move forward and get
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  somewhere and not just get stuck in an emotional back and forth.
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  It's really just charging everybody up but not really
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  solving anything or making anything healthier for anyone.
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  It might be mental boundaries. So I'm like, I'm really at my
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  capacity today. Sometimes mental and emotional
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  boundaries can go together. I've had to learn in my calendar
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  for my schedule to not look at my schedule in terms of time in
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  the day, but in terms of what is it going to require of my mental
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  and emotional capacity and then not over scheduling my mental
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  and emotional capacity. So that might.
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  So if I've got conversations lined up throughout the day that
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  are just getting to meet people that might be possible
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  collaborators down the road. Those don't require usually a
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  ton of, you know, energy. It's, it's a get to know.
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  They're usually 15 to 30 minutes long.
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  They might go a little longer than that, but not a huge energy
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  take away. So I can probably schedule 3 or
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  4 of those in the day as well as in between, you know, responding
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  to emails, setting up future appointments with them,
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  depending on what we decide. Those kinds of things.
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  If I'm recording a panel or podcast episodes and, and those
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  conversations I know can sometimes require a little more
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  emotional and mental output from me, both on what I'm sharing and
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  what I'm taking in. And I realize I need some more
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  space in the day for that. I'm not going to load those up,
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  you know, where, you know, every two hours I'm scheduling another
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  one that's going to not be good for me or for the people that
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  I'm recording with. So, so recognizing what your
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  capacity is, but you know, also in the mental boundaries, it
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  might be, you know, who you feel comfortable discussing your
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  mental health with if you, you just feel comfortable sharing or
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  inquiring about whether you're you have therapy or not with and
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  how they receive that. So all of these things can be
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  areas where you set boundaries, time boundaries.
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  Like I just, I'm going to protect my time.
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  I want to make sure I have space for myself to refresh.
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  I need to make sure I have time for activities that nourish me,
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  time with in relationships that fill my cup and feel honoring.
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  Give that energy and time to my kids, my partner, my siblings,
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  my parents, my best friend, my neighbors, my community, and
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  making sure that you're honoring and even in your workspaces,
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  you're giving time. Boundaries like this is going to
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  take me X amount of time. You might be talking to your
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  team or your boss about this. I'm like, this is going to take
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  more time than you have slotted in my calendar.
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  Can we talk about reflection on these time boundaries and maybe
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  actually meeting me where what I think is possible?
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  And if that's not possible, what are we going to move to make
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  that possible? It might be material boundaries
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  like do I need all this stuff? Is this how?
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  Why am I getting this? Is this something that is going
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  to add to my life quality? Is this something that's
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  renewing and refreshing fun for me?
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  Or is this something just extra that I'm getting because I'm
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  trying to soothe something else or trying to keep up with the
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  neighbors or whatever it is? So what can I afford this?
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  These are the kinds of questions you can ask yourself, material
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  boundaries and boundaries with yourself.
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  How do I talk to myself? How, what am I going to do to
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  interrupt that narrative? That's not healthy in my head,
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  What's, what's my course of action going to be?
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  What am I going to do to interrupt that narrative?
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  When I start apologizing for something that I know is not my
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  fault, what action can I put into place that's going to make
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  that an kind of an alert in my head to rethink that, to reframe
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  that. So these are all examples of
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  where and how you might set boundaries in your life and what
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  they might look like. So healthy versus unhealthy
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  boundaries. Healthy boundaries are flexible
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  and allow for some degrees of closeness and intimacy while
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  still respecting your own needs. Unhealthy boundaries may look
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  like rigid boundaries that can lead to isolation, while porous
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  boundaries can lead to feeling exploited and overwhelmed.
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  So it it's, it's that understanding of the difference.
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  And if you need a different word than boundaries, if that is
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  somehow not a word that aligns with you or is triggering, it
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  might be guideposts, it might be fences with doors.
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  I mean, there's just different things.
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  Find that that word that works for you, but I think it's really
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  important to you know, and sometimes you set a healthy
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  boundary and overtime it becomes unhealthy or vice versa.
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  At the end of the day, communication is kind and I
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  statements and not about other people's behaviors and room in
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  the future to adjust if relationships change.
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  Maybe you don't need that healthy boundary anymore, or
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  maybe you need more of one. It just depends on the
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  situation. So it's also something you're
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  continually reflecting on to make sure that it still matches
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  the season and situation you're in in your life.
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  So some some ways to really think about this this week is
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  write down all the activities you're involved with each day.
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  Identify which ones you feel most called or aligned to, and
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  for the remaining ones, determine if it's time to say no
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  to that commitment or to ask for help and support in fulfilling
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  it. This can be a great beginning to
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  determining where you might need to start placing some boundaries
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  in your life if this is an area you're struggling and
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  identifying. One of my favorite quotes from
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  Season 4 of The Field podcast was from guest Valerie Rivera,
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  and she reminded us, and you've heard me say this quite a few
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  times if you've been following me for a while, but it's always
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  worth revisiting. Remember, when you say yes to
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  something, that means you're saying no to something else.
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  Make sure you're OK with what it is you're saying no to.
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  So these are some ways that can kind of get you thinking about
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  healthy boundaries, where you need them, what might might need
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  to be communicated, what might need to be revisited, what's
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  unhealthy, what's healthy, those I statements, all those things.
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  And like I said earlier, I'm here to support you.
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  So if you need more support in this, let's get together, go to
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  embracinglayers.com, fill up that contact form.
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  Let's talk more about this. But always remember, you are
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  valuable, you are worthy, and you get to choose.
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  Thanks so much for being with me today here on the Field podcast.
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  I'll see you next time.