Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Your Partner Has No Idea What They Want In Bed

Transcript

Your Partner Has No Idea What They Want In Bed · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
0:07
So I can Mom show today, we're going to be talking about how
0:10
your partner doesn't know shit about what they like in bed and
0:14
how this Epiphany. And, and of itself is worth the
0:16
price of admission. For, of course, not only this
0:19
free podcast, but couples counseling, which can really
0:22
help you understand this on a deep visceral level.
0:25
Particularly if you find yourself disagreeing with the
0:27
things that I'm saying, also, if you find yourself frequently
0:31
disagreeing with a podcaster and getting angry about it, this is
0:34
like A personality trait that can be worked on in counseling.
0:38
Just like, you know, like because there's a lot of people
0:40
like back, they get angry like about stuff that I say, like, if
0:44
you're the sort of person that finds it difficult to, like,
0:47
just move forward from that, you know, then obviously a, it's
0:51
probably hitting a nerve, or B, you have issues with anger and
0:55
feeling that you are always misunderstood by people.
0:58
So this is just like a free throw away piece of advice.
1:01
I could be transformative for many.
1:03
If you find you, if you That it's hard for you to walk away
1:07
on social media or from podcast or from TV or from anything.
1:12
That disagrees with you that is usually something to work on in
1:17
counseling because frequently it means you were misunderstood so
1:20
much when you were a little kid that, like, you cannot get over
1:24
being misunderstood even by people that are not speaking to
1:27
you directly. So that is just, I mean, that is
1:30
worth the price of admission, which, of course, is free.
1:32
So that's my ongoing joke. But anyway, the next actually
1:37
not free. Podcast coming up is going to be
1:40
on if you want. Either a dominant man or a
1:43
highly sexual woman, is this all upside and how you yourself
1:48
might have to transform in order to make this a reality.
1:51
Because a lot of women really yearn for more dominant Alpha.
1:56
Kind of dude, I'm obviously a lot of men want a highly sexual
1:59
woman, but they never think about what in their personality
2:03
is stopping that from Happening and or what they would have to
2:06
change and what they would have to do outside their comfort zone
2:10
in order to make that a reality to be with such a person.
2:14
So anyway, that's going to be the next subscriber one, but
2:16
back to the one that we're focused on now.
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So this is so common like, guys will be trying to have sex with
2:22
a woman. She doesn't know what she likes
2:24
and they think she's holding out.
2:25
They think that like she does. Now, like she has like a
2:27
flowchart and her mind. He's got to say this.
2:30
Do this touch me like this, do this, this this and then I would
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really have like a magnificent. Orgasm the likes of which has
2:36
not been seen in the world, you know before and that's some
2:40
bullshit, she doesn't know shit. The majority of women don't even
2:44
masturbate like near frequently enough to understand anything
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and if they do it's like a vibrator which obviously doesn't
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do anything. A man can do.
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And certainly does not provide like a full body experience.
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So it's so funny, right? Because so many men,
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particularly the insecure ones or the ones, who are raised
3:01
religious really fetishize this idea of a woman with limited
3:04
prior Periods. But then somehow they get her
3:07
into bed, this woman who had, maybe one Barner maybe two
3:11
partners before him sometimes zero and then they're like oh
3:14
she's supposed to give me a manual.
3:16
A lot, like her clitoris, man. She barely knows she has a
3:19
clitoris because she didn't have any prior partner.
3:21
She didn't have any prior sex, and she was trained to be the
3:25
sort of woman, that would not explore such things because if
3:28
she did, then she might want to have sex.
3:30
So, you know, you can't have everything either.
3:33
You get the woman with the one. With limited experience, likely
3:37
does not even remotely have an owner's manual to her own body.
3:40
And now here's the real kicker, all the women that think that
3:45
the guy really knows what he likes in bed because he's more
3:48
vocal about it, at least he says, like touch this.
3:51
Sometimes if he can say that in your at this mess, the culture
3:54
of your relationship that you can speak in bed, which in and
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of itself is amazing for a lot of people that I work with would
4:00
be a great step forward, but the women think that the guy is
4:04
quote unquote, Variants should not experience.
4:07
There are very few men very few as a percent of the world.
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Like when you look at like the the statistics, the average man
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had sex with something like six women.
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Probably like two or three of those were one-night stands.
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Probably another two of those were women below the age of like
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20 or 25 because he himself was below the age of 20 or 25, when
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that happened. So those women didn't know
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anything either and then you're the last one the married.
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So even though the The man frequently has more sexual
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experience measured by number of partners.
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Then the woman that he marries, this doesn't mean that he knows
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really deeply much about sex at all.
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Because most of that experience was when he was young and those
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female Partners, didn't give him much feedback, usually because
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they were young women and insecure and again they didn't
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know anything. So a lot of marriages are like
4:59
the blind leading the blind but the man thinks the woman is
5:02
holding out on him. And the woman thinks that the
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Man is a sexual Guru and everybody's wrong.
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And so they keep having really shitty sex.
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Or at the very least, at the least, some parsecs much, much
5:17
sub what they could be doing, right?
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Because both of them think that the other person knows what they
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like, and they don't. And this also goes with, like,
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how our culture is very self-focused, which is a
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constant refrain, in refrain in my podcast, which I hope to
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Frame. So I can use both of those words
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because like if you tell a woman she doesn't know what she wants.
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I mean you might as well just get like just light yourself on
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fire after that because then you like a bad feminist, you're like
5:47
a bad person, the Hitler analogies are going to start
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flowing and I can make those jokes because I'm Jewish and you
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know it's like you can't tell a woman that she doesn't know what
5:57
she wants. And women don't usually tell men
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that they don't know what they want because they think that the
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man knows what he wants because he More sexual experience and he
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thinks she knows what she wants. Just because she's a woman and
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she's got to know what she want. So it's like a sin to say that
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like a woman doesn't know what she wants.
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Let me be the woman to tell you. She doesn't know what she wants.
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You don't know what you want, no one knows what they want, unless
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they have had an extremely active sex life prior to
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marriage, which is unusual. And and also also even the
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people with and this is actually interesting the most most most
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Audience people are the ones who are the first to say that they
6:37
can always learn new things and that they have no idea, the full
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variety of things that they might, like, they are the ones
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that are always wanting to learn and grow.
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So, the people that actually are, like, in the lifestyle and
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like, a kinky BDSM lifestyle, or in a swingers lifestyle, they're
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the first ones to say, oh, I don't know.
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Like, the full gamut of what I could potentially like and I'm
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always learning and exploring more.
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So it's so interesting that then the people with so much less And
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are the ones who assume that their partner knows everything
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about what they could possibly like already.
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How first of all people are always learning and growing and
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also you've not had all the experiences definitionally that
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you could have because that logic puzzle doesn't make sense.
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So the very first thing to take off your plate, in your mind is
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the idea that your partner knows anything about what they would
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truly like in bed, they can know something about what they don't
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like maybe or maybe you're just not doing that.
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That thing right. So then they think they don't
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like it much. Like I always talk about with
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oral sex and of course, since your subscriber, you got the
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oral sex on woman podcast on women podcasts.
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And so a lot of women think that they hate oral sex just because
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the guy likes plays them open like a newly caught fish.
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They're fucking freezing. He does like one thing he like
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learn from one movie that you supposed to do.
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Like the alphabet with your tongue.
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That's what he does. He's like snuffling down there.
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He's like not it's not Sexy there was no foreplay before
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that because he thinks this is the foreplay and the entire
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experience is something. You would rather you know take a
8:13
cyanide pill than ever replicate.
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And so then women assume that they don't like oral sex and
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that's wrong because if they have oral sex we're even just
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for starters, there's foreplay before the oral sex because I
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taught you in that podcast, touching genitals is sex sex.
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It's not for Play. It's X.
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So you know if they were to have foreplay before that.
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At and they were interested and excited and maybe that you've
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been the guy tried out a couple different techniques and they,
8:41
you know, raise the thermostat and they turned off the light
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and, you know, whatever else put a lock, on your bedroom door and
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then maybe they could enjoy themselves in a way that they
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don't know that they could. And the exact same thing with
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all the guys who say that they don't like certain things too.
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There's things that guy say that they don't like also.
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So like for example a guy would say that he wouldn't ever like
9:01
being in a submissive more of a submissive role or a I would say
9:05
he doesn't like anal, play for him, but like these are all
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things that a guy may not have experienced that all because
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he's always, ironically, and tragically been assumed to be
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the leader of the sexual encounter, despite having very
9:20
very little real world exploratory sexual experience
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that wildly deviated from the, you know, porn Montage that he
9:30
had with his, you know, 25 maybe year old girlfriend in His early
9:36
20s right by porn Montage, I don't mean anything, very
9:39
exciting. I mean, when a guy tries like
9:41
seven different positions in a row and the woman doesn't come
9:44
at all. And it's, you know, it's it's
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subpar to say to say the least and I talked about porn Montage
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sex and its own podcast, so I don't need to go into that.
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But the point that you should be getting from this is that it is
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not a sin and it is not something terrible to assume
10:01
that your partner Doesn't Know Jack about how their Body Works.
10:04
They know very little Don't they know probably 10% of how their
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body could work, right? And people who are like,
10:09
athletes know this kind of thing.
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So like, let's say before they started training for like the,
10:15
you know, fuck it, tough mudder. I don't even know the names of
10:18
these things, but like I have a lot of clients who are really
10:21
into, you know, optimizing their physical fitness and do all this
10:24
kind of crazy shit, right? And before they started doing
10:28
this, when they look back there, like my God, I was like a ten
10:32
percent of my capacity as an athlete before.
10:35
For I understood, you know, all this stuff.
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I didn't even know that I could do something.
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Like, what I've done. I didn't even know, I could run
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a 5k. And now, here, I am like a
10:43
lunatic running for like, 30 miles or something insane, you
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know? And so it's very similar to
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that. So when people have like a much
10:52
better and more open sex life, they go back and they look at
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their early experiences in their 20s, it's like Plato's Cave.
10:58
Remember the analogy of Plato's Cave, right?
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They they didn't even know they were in a cave.
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They were seeing shadows on the wall coming in.
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Light was streaming into the cave and so they thought that
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all of reality was Shadows on the wall of the cave until they
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come out out of the cave and then they see that there's a
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whole world. So that analogy holds true for
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the majority of human experience with sex is certainly included.
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So, you're in basically Plato's Cave.
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Now, if you're like, 90% of people on Earth and certainly
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more than that of the people who come to couples counseling to
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work on sexual issues or the people that listen to me to
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learn about sexual issues. Because there's Auntie of people
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that consider what I'm talking about to be very xiaojun, and
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really not worthy of discussion at all.
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And so that's why I'm not marketing to like, you know,
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BDSM audience, you know, for which this stuff is
11:49
extraordinarily basic but to the average person who's struggling
11:55
with a sexual connection with in marriage, you know.
11:57
And so what's interesting too is that a lot of guys think because
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they watch a lot of porn. They that they know what they
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like. You don't know what you like
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because you've not been having all that sex.
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Let me remind you. I know that you're aware.
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You've not been having sex that you're watching.
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So you have absolutely no idea what any of that she would feel
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like in reality, you got a good imagination.
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That's great. But you don't really know what
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it would be like because you've not done most of it.
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So what you want to do is you want to try to start exploring
12:30
what you and your partner really like.
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And if you bring real curiosity to the Abel.
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Then your partner May respond in ways that you would not predict
12:39
in ways that are far better than you.
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Predict. You would get like a rejection
12:43
out of hand, no fucking way. I don't want to spend hours in
12:46
bed. Don't you understand how much
12:47
laundry? I have to do whatever, but if
12:50
you bring real curiosity to the table, so I work with couples
12:54
all the time and I'll say to the woman, what do you find,
12:56
arousing, what's a sex scene that you find arousing in a
12:59
movie or this or that? Or what's the best sexual
13:02
experience you've ever had unfailingly?
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They say At their husbands, don't predict a husband is
13:06
basically sitting there with his mouth open like a guppy because
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he had no idea because he literally has not expressed this
13:14
in curiosity. This curiosity in a way that
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she, you know, wants to even answer instead.
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It's like, what could I do? Different?
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Well, she was a fucking no, I just pointed it out.
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She doesn't know. She has no idea what you could
13:27
do different. She just knows that she would
13:29
rather, you know, eating yogurt and watch her show, then have
13:33
sex with you. She doesn't know.
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Exactly why. It could be her.
13:36
It could be you. It could be God.
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Do you know, intervene a like at?
13:40
And making this a subpar sex life?
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She doesn't know, but she knows it's not great.
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But she can't tell you what's not great.
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It shows, it doesn't know how it could be any better.
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So she says, it's good, it's good.
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This is what I talk about with. You know, when I'm like your is
13:54
your sex life, really good? If your wife never wants to have
13:56
sex? No, I mean, like you, right?
13:58
I mean, like we don't even have to listen to the podcast or read
14:01
the post. No, people don't say no to shit
14:04
that they really Like obviously, like right.
14:07
I mean, let's think about that. Just for a second using logic.
14:10
So obviously if she tells you sex life is great but you never
14:13
want to have sex. It's not only her drive.
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It's the fact that she doesn't think it's going to end up as
14:19
something better than sitting eating yogurt and watching TV.
14:22
So you know you you got to fix that situation right?
14:27
And so does she? So if you spend actual time
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talking and thinking and reading remember, But I told you erotic
14:36
stories, women can read erotic stories.
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They liked that a lot more than porn.
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Porn is really in your face, really intense plus, they don't
14:43
want to see the women's hot bodies or any of the bodies that
14:46
want to see the. The penis didn't see any of it,
14:49
you know? But if you read erotic stories,
14:51
if you download like apps like the paired app, that one helps
14:56
you talk about sex sometimes the Mojo upgrade website.
15:00
Helps you talk about more things like you got to.
15:03
You got to figure out. Say to your wife.
15:06
We don't know shit about sex. And by we I am including myself
15:10
because although you seem to think I had a lot of experience
15:13
when I look back basically and she's gonna be shocked
15:17
basically. Most of it were like we did a
15:19
few more positions maybe in my life than you and me.
15:23
Not really though. It was kind of pretty much the
15:26
same as you and me in the honeymoon, phase.
15:29
I don't really know much. I'm starting, women love
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remember what I taught you. Women love when you're stupid.
15:34
So when you say, I know less than you think, I know that in
15:40
and of itself again is the aphrodisiac.
15:42
There's the panty dropper, the money shot.
15:44
You say, I know so much less than you think.
15:47
I know about sex. It's like flattering that you
15:49
think I must know what I want, but I'm coming to realize.
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I don't know. Jack, shit.
15:53
You know, like, the stuff I see when I do watch, porn is kind of
15:57
bullshit. You know, it's not real.
15:59
And I've not really had as much experience as you think I do,
16:03
you know? And so I Learn more about how to
16:07
please you, and if you really want the kicker, you say, I bet
16:10
I'm not as good in bed as I think I am then, she'll really
16:13
look at you. You'll see her startled because,
16:16
and the more she startled, you'll know bigger startle
16:20
response is associated with either, you're a much bigger
16:23
narcissist or Arrogant Bastard than you think such that she
16:27
can't even imagine that sentence would come out of your mouth or
16:30
for the first time. She has a flicker of hope that
16:33
like you'll possibly be ready to accept.
16:34
Kept some feedback Because, by the way, there's a lot of guys
16:38
that think they accept sexual feedback, and they don't,
16:40
because they expected sexual feedback is going to come like,
16:43
Harder Faster, do that. Wonderful thing you're doing,
16:46
but do it again. And instead, it comes like their
16:49
wife saying it's cold in this room.
16:52
Maybe if it was a little warmer and then they're like, well, I
16:55
don't think that would make a difference because nothing makes
16:57
a difference to you and then do you know she's done.
17:00
So like her sexual feedback, maybe like this environment,
17:03
sucks and your personality. Sucks.
17:05
But you don't want to hear that. So then she can't give you any
17:07
feedback, right? So if you do say, and this is
17:11
like, this is a inspired moment, right?
17:14
Because I say this to women all the time.
17:15
I say to people in couples counseling all the time, hey
17:17
maybe he's not that good in bed, you know, like what could we
17:20
improve. But maybe you should take the
17:22
bull by the horns rains Horse by the reins, I don't know.
17:26
And you should say, I'm starting to think.
17:28
I may not be as good in bed as I think I am.
17:31
And if you could say that straight face open, Into
17:35
feedback, even a little self-deprecation and she's
17:38
startled and looks at you. Then, you know, you got
17:42
something to work with because now she's like holy shit is the
17:46
great man. Finally willing to accept some
17:48
kind of feedback. Maybe I'll have an orgasm in
17:51
this decade and so then you got something to work with then you
17:55
have something to work with and the more warm open and curious
17:59
you could be about shit. That actually turns her on ask
18:02
about the stuff she reads, ask about the stuff.
18:04
She Is women read romance novels, not for the romance, but
18:07
their sex scenes in there to the movies that she likes.
18:11
All the romantic ones. What she used to like when she
18:14
was younger, there's a collision is so much stuff that you can
18:18
figure out about your wife, psyche, and that you can figure
18:20
out about your own psyche. You probably have so many
18:23
fantasies that do not just involve different sexual
18:26
positions that you could tell her about that would help her
18:29
know the real. You like understand what you
18:32
like. Lots of guys have a fantasy.
18:34
See that the woman will take charge in bed, does your wife
18:37
have any idea that you may have that fantasy?
18:39
And by may, I mean, like 99% you that are listening do probably
18:43
not because you don't want to say that one because you feel
18:46
embarrassed because it seems so antithetical to everything that
18:49
you guys currently do that. You think she would take it as
18:52
something bad, but maybe she would it look?
18:55
Who knows? You knows who there is a whole
18:57
range of sexual activity out there that you could be
19:01
exploring? If your wife felt that you were,
19:04
Open-minded curious about her experience non-judgmental, and
19:09
not really that experience because then she's not the
19:12
bottleneck women, don't like to feel that their lack of
19:15
experience, their lack of self-knowledge, their lack of
19:17
self-awareness has been, what makes the sex life bad?
19:20
Who the hell would want to feel like that?
19:22
So instead you say, maybe it's me, maybe I'm sure it's cited.
19:25
I don't have as much experience as you seem to think I do.
19:28
It was pretty minimal compared to like when I really think
19:30
about it. And for 90% of guys listening,
19:33
it's going to be true. This, you know, when I really
19:36
think about it, it wasn't really very much deep exploration, you
19:42
know, because I'll tell you something, the truth of the
19:45
matter is this, and this is not a wonderful thing to hear.
19:48
But if you had had as a man, if you had had like this, like deep
19:54
super fulfilling sexual relationship with a woman prior
19:57
to your current wife, you probably would have recognized
20:00
the red flags that this sex life wasn't going to be
20:02
extraordinary, but you didn't You didn't, and if you had had
20:07
those wonderful experiences, but you still got involved with
20:10
somebody where there was red flags that she was closed
20:12
minded, then you have self-esteem issues and
20:14
self-esteem issues have to be worked on to have the best sex
20:17
life you can have. Because you can't be really open
20:19
with someone else. If you're always scared about
20:21
being judged or look down. So, either way, either way,
20:26
100%, there is a world in which you could tell her that you are
20:30
not the sex guru that you are completely want to be open to
20:34
feedback. Back and self-exploration.
20:36
And that you understand that she doesn't know what she likes yet,
20:40
but you want to learn together that's much better than you
20:43
being on your high horse about. I know everything, I know what I
20:46
like, I know what you like, and if you don't like it like this,
20:48
that maybe you just don't work, right?
20:50
Which although you're not trying to transmit that.
20:53
That is the message a lot of women are receiving.
20:55
Okay, hopefully this was elucidating for you, as I try to
20:59
be, and please do tell, you did subscribe, so you don't have
21:04
nothing to do. You could join my Facebook group
21:06
if you like to talk about things like this because this like many
21:10
of my podcast come from discussions in my secret
21:12
Facebook group and it's called secret because people don't get
21:15
to see what you do outside of it.
21:17
People always say can't comment on your stuff because my
21:19
mother-in-law is watching and you know this one your
21:22
mother-in-law isn't in. All right talk to you soon.
21:25
Bye bye. Wait I forgot this was not a
21:28
subscriber episode. The next one's going to be a
21:31
subscriber episode. I just didn't want anybody to
21:34
think that my My mind was going, you know, even though it is
21:37
going, even though I read an article that said that literally
21:41
having over three, three or more children is associated with
21:45
cognitive decline in a different way, than less than three
21:49
children, which I found to be obviously upsetting.
21:52
Okay, talk to you soon. Bye, bye.