Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Don't Expect Her To Pick You Over The Kids

Transcript

Don't Expect Her To Pick You Over The Kids · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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Psych mom show today we will be talking about when men expect
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their wives to pick them over the kids and what I mean by that
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and what it looks like and why it is a losing proposition
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before that please do subscribe, the most recent subscriber
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episode was very relevant and it is about why looking at your
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wife's Behavior with and treatment of the children can
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really show you her full potential for love.
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So that one is really a Peace to this one.
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So you really ought to subscribe.
0:37
You get that as well as ad other subscriber only episodes.
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All right, so sometimes men especially if they struggle with
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preoccupied attachment. And if you do, that means that
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you're obsessed with your wife and you're obsessed with your
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relationship. And you think everything would
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be better if only she paid more attention to you and you get
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jealous and controlling when she's not paying attention to
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you. You're obsessed with what she's
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looking at it on her phone and you want more and more and more
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sex and you're just kind of really overly invested and you
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should listen to my podcast on ways that men can work on
1:11
preoccupied attachment and you should go back and listen to the
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subscriber episode on attachment Styles in general.
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And those can put you kind of on the right track to see what is
1:21
a, you problem and versus what is a her problem.
1:24
Yes. You probably like the sub, the
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episode on avoidant wives but that's not the full story of
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avoidant, women and preoccupied. Men are like peas in a pod.
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So they exacerbate each other's innate attachment issues but
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just because your wife struggles with avoidant, attachment does
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not mean that you do not have your own issues to work on.
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In terms of insecurity, you most likely assuredly do.
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So when men become obsessed with the women, picking the kids over
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them, this could mean just little things.
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Like I want us to go out to where I want to eat instead of
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what the kid likes to eat, or it can mean I want the kid out of
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the bed, the kid is in the bed every night with us.
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And we haven't had sex in three years.
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So, you know, there are various as with anything, you know,
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there's a whole normal distribution of, of sort of
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complaints and of how extreme they are.
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And if you are in a situation where your wife puts the
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children over you to the extent that she doesn't look at you,
2:26
she doesn't touch you. She wants nothing to do with
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you. Well, a, it's not because of the
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kids. So, stop blaming the kid and
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I'll get to why it's talk. To do that in a second and be
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yes. This is an extreme situation
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that needs to be worked on in couples counseling and may not
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be repairable. I don't really know.
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But there's other people that are just like why do we have to
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watch with the kid likes on TV for an hour at night and not
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what I like. So obviously and and the wife's
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having sex with you on the wife, hangs out with you.
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After the kid goes down and basically and this situation is
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kind of like why are you competing with your child and
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we'll get to why in a second. So so so basically what we want
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to understand is why would a man think that a healthy loving
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mother would prioritize him as a grown man over a small child and
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the reasons are varied. One of them frequently is
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because they grew up in a very traditional home where the
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mother did, or at least pretended to prioritize her
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husband. So the man's father's
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preferences over that of the children.
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So, you know, this is the classic dad gets the biggest
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Piece of steak and we all are quiet when Dad is in a bad mood.
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And you know, you saw some of this on Wonder Years, The Wonder
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Years. If you used to watch that show,
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you know, when the husband was in a bad mood, like everybody
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tiptoed around, he had full use of the TV at night.
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He would have gotten the biggest piece of pie if there was one.
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And that's how it went. Well, it's not that generation
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anymore. So if you are looking to
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replicate some sort of Leave it to Beaver dynamic in your home,
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you know, your wife is probably not going to be cool with that.
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And nor did you act like you wanted that during courtship
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quite honestly? Because the guys who are very
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open about wanting a super traditional lifestyle, their
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wives know it, you know, their potential wives know it and they
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are, you know, saying that they want the same kind of thing.
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But it's a highly unusual in today's day and age for the man
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to be treated in this sort of deferential way and
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sociologically, you know, like times of change women are not as
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dependent on Men. And really, why would the man
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deserve the biggest piece of pie?
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That's crazy, you know, that? So, I mean, that, that's just
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that you're not going to get very far with just thinking that
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things ought to be like they were a generation ago because
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there's plenty of ways in which you, you are agree.
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Probably that progress is a good thing if not I if you are super
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conservative and you believe that the man should be head of
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household and everybody should defer and the kid should tiptoe
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around dad, then this probably isn't the The podcast for you,
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you know, because I don't think those things but there is and
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there is another sense. Oh, and if you really are tied
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to this world view, of course, therapy can help you decide
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whether it's really good. And whether you, obviously, as a
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child, were not impacted positively by seeing your mother
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kowtow to your father because look how you think relationships
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are supposed to go now. So do you want to saddle your
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children with that same crazy idealized expectation?
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Probably not. So this.
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Be something useful to explore. Another reason that men think
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that they should be prioritized or prioritised over the kids is
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that they think that they prioritize their wife over the
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kids and things should be even Steven.
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Well, as I've discussed, you know, men run into a burning
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building at a lot higher rates to retrieve their wives, then
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wives, run in to retrieve their husbands.
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I don't know that there would ever be a woman with small or
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any children that would run back into a burning building, to get
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her husband and her kids were out safe.
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'F. So because she would think, then
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we're going to leave them with me without two parents and the
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man maybe should think the same thing, but he doesn't and would
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probably run back in for the wife.
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So I don't know why. This is except for my usual
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reason, which is evolutionarily men are bigger, and stronger and
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protectors. And women are more tied to the
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children. They could only have a few
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children, you could only have a few children relatively in your
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life as a woman. So you got a lot more at stake
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than a man who could theoretically have 100 children
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because he could go sleep with 100 women.
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I know that's not Your life, sorry to depress you but but
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yeah like you could though, I mean in theory and Pregnant 100
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women and a woman cannot have 100 babies.
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So women evolutionarily have greater, you know, importance
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tied to each child. That is a part of the only
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genetic Legacy that she can have its finite, you need like 9 plus
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months to gestate. So you really cannot and it's
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only during a certain window. And so women have fewer options
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since there are more actually tied to each individual, you
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know, genetic Legacy maker, which is your children.
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So when men get really tied into needing to be better than the
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kids are prioritized over the kids, the woman usually does not
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take that well because she thinks what a big fucking baby
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and to some extent if it's taken to an extreme.
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She's right. What a big fucking baby is, not
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the way to phrase it, that's not very nice but what she's meaning
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by that if she had the psychological Training is what a
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lot of preoccupied attachment. I wonder where in his
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upbringing. He did not get enough love such
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that he is an unfillable hole of need that.
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I am not going to spend my day trying to satiate because a it's
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impossible and B I have kids to take care of and so that would
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be kind of the translation of what a big baby.
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So if it's also extremely relevant to think about at what
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stage your jealousy of the child starts, because that's really
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what it is. And if that's It sounds bad.
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I mean you know maybe that could be a wake-up call that it isn't
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too healthy to think that way at all, you know.
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But if it starts when the child is a baby, well this is
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understandable in a sense because the wife didn't have a
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focus before you and now all of a sudden there's a very cute
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baby stealing the show and she would be very unusual and not
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normative. If she did not focus on her own
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baby as every animal mother does, you know really focus on
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the baby but it's a Shock to the system.
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And most guys though can acclimate and can say, alright,
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yeah. She needs to focus on the baby.
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Assuming that the woman is also nice to him.
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So, this is a big if, right? So there's some men listening to
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this that are like, yeah. I don't care if we watch with
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the kid wants to watch at night, but you just so nasty to me all
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the time, well, that's a different situation and one,
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which couples counseling can help because some women truly
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subconsciously, only do care about the baby and never really,
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you know, felt that close to you for whatever reason or Had a
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major empathic rupture with you and they now give all their love
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to the child. I mean, there's all sorts of
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situations here but the more usual one is that men have a
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shock to the system. When the baby is born, the
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woman's attention goes to the baby fine.
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It's normal to be jealous a little bit but then they can
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regroup and at like six weeks or so woman is literally clear to
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have sex again. They can reconnect and that way
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they can reconnect in other ways.
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As the child gets older than the woman increasingly, it's the
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emotional umbilical cord lengthens and she has less focus
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on the child and can open herself up more to being a wife.
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The problem comes in two situations when the man cannot
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allow that to naturally happen and he's trying to hasten it and
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going on like, you know, couples vacations.
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Like when the babies like seven weeks old or something, no,
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don't do that. Like, that is not normative for
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her to want to go reconnect with you.
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When she has like a tiny little nursing baby, by the way.
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Nursing puts basically the body into menopause temporarily
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because your body doesn't want to have another baby because it
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already has a baby. So therefore, it has no sex
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drive. But so like when you have like a
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nursing wife and an infant and you're like, trying to get her
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attention and for her to be really romantic with you.
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That indicates a level of super preoccupied, attachment and
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inability to sit with frustration and not being
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prioritized and this can lead to empathic rough.
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Jurors where the woman even when the child is older.
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The woman's like, man, he was so horrible and selfish.
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When we had a baby that I'm so not attracted to him now,
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because I remember how difficult it was during that time to
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balance his emotional needs with the real life needs of the
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infant now that your emotional needs, aren't real life, but the
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infant does die without attention.
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So, you know, but, and oh, but there's another case, where the
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woman just like completely, like, can't like interact with
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the husband anymore. More.
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She's obsessed with the kid. She's super anxious about the
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child frequently women that had childhood trauma or at least a
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dysfunctional, family of origin. Pour everything into being an
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ideal mom's that their child never feels for one second.
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Like they did when they were growing up when they didn't feel
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prioritized or loved etcetera. So they overcompensate and then
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they go into the hyper-focused parenting, which I talked about
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all over my side and in various of my podcasts where she just
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obsessed with the child. She's Constantly reading shit
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about child development and she's completely turned into
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only a parent. There's nothing left of just
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kind of a woman or a couple or a sexual entity, she's just like
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into hyper mom mode, and remains there fairly permanently despite
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the child getting more and more independent and more and more
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self-sufficient. Of course the amount that he can
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get or she can get independent or self-sufficient is really
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kind of limited by the Others Obsession about keeping the
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child safe, but that's its own issue.
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But anyway, like the mother has just totally repudiated her
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identity as a romantic entity. And now she's solely a mother
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when this happens. This also makes the man feel
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like there's no hope. And he's trying to kind of
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basically go on a date with a woman that doesn't even ever
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want to be apart from the child ever.
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And this is a bad situation too. In a more normal
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developmentally, appropriate scenario.
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We have a woman that wants to primarily focus on a small child
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and basically Focus less, and less, and less on that child in
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somewhat of a linear fashion between the ages of birth and
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18. You know, and that is the more
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normal dumb way that things go and as the child gets older and
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older as stops, nursing stop start sleeping.
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Going through the night or bottle feeding or whatever he's
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doing, and then goes to kindergarten and then goes to
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middle school like all these things, the mother reclaims more
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and more and more of her independent identity.
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So that is usual. And the man had has to expect
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that this is going to be usual. If you think that the woman is
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going to prioritize you over the kids and I cannot stress this
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enough, you're crazy. Crazy in the most, you know,
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loving chiding way, you know, Not an insult but it's not
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healthy for a woman to prioritize, her husband over the
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kids. It's not healthy, it's not
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normal. It's not appropriate for a woman
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to completely prioritize. The husband's needs over the
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kids. Now they can do it in a separate
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compartment like sex for example, now that's something
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that you can be doing with your kids that's only with your
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husband. So yes, that's its own bucket
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and she could definitely say yes.
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My husband still Al wants us to have a sexual relationship.
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I understand that I want that too.
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And so I'm going to try to make that happen.
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Even though I also believe in co-sleeping until the child is
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one year. So I guess we'll have to do it
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outside of the family bed or whatever.
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The hell she sets, right? So it is normal and good for the
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woman to be able to make some sort of compromises so that the
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man Stills feels valued, right because that's love.
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Love involve sacrifice for the other person.
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That should not completely go away.
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Because there's a child but in the situation that you want to
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go on like a couples vacation and it in anyway, conflicts with
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something like the child's, you know, a little performance or
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their first anything, or even picture day, it's totally normal
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for the mom, not to want to do that.
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I mean, again, this is her genetic Legacy.
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She is wired to want to prioritize the child.
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This is how babies who are extremely, not self-sufficient
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and die very easily. This is How They Live because
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their mothers obsessed with them and that's totally normal.
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And the feeling of having a new baby is an in love dopamine
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Rush, particularly for the mother and so yes, she's in love
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with the baby more than she's in love with you and that's totally
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normal. If she stays in love with your
15:21
you know 16 year old son more than she's in love with you.
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That's a problem. But if it's a month old baby she
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supposed to be more in love with that baby than she ever was with
15:30
anything. And in fact, when women don't
15:32
feel this way it's frequently because Postpartum depression,
15:35
so something's like going wrong with the organism, you know?
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Like that's a pathological thing is to not feel that in love with
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the baby. Not pathological like pejorative
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like bad, it just indicates an issue, it indicates a bonding
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didn't happen. I've worked with a lot of women
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who haven't bonded with their babies at some of my most
15:52
fulfilling work and it's almost always because of either
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undiagnosed, postpartum depression anxiety or what have
15:59
you or because they have had unresolved trauma in their own
16:03
childhoods. Or frequently also, there could
16:06
be a trauma during the pregnancy, you know, such as
16:09
discovering your husband was, you know, doing illegal shit
16:12
like you know and now we may go to jail or something and so you
16:16
are like in a total fight or flight mode and then when your
16:18
baby's born, you're in a trauma mode and you can't bond with
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your baby or, you know, something of that nature.
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So or like infidelity or somebody gets really sick or
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whatever. So there has to do something to
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disrupt, the normal trajectory of development for a woman.
16:34
Not To bond with her baby. Although plenty of women don't
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because of those things and therefore and therapy can really
16:40
help with that by the way. But anyway, so you want your
16:43
wife to bond with her baby? As my point with your baby, you
16:47
want your wife to prioritize the kids if she is always picking
16:50
what you want to watch on TV over what they want to watch on
16:53
TV? That would be very unusual and
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it probably honestly might not even be a good sign because I
17:00
might be just that she's a total people pleaser and she one day
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and 10, Years is going to be, like, I cannot believe that I
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didn't let the kids watch their, a little, whatever the Hell
17:09
episode on TV, because you were such a dick and always had to
17:13
watch the game. Like, I hear these things, come
17:15
out later as empathic ruptures. So my point is this, let your
17:18
wife prioritize, the children as long as you have some sort of
17:21
romantic relationship that is fulfilling and be be supportive
17:26
of her, prioritizing the kids because it's totally normal and
17:30
healthy. What is not totally normal and
17:32
healthy is if I want her to prioritize you fully over them
17:38
or if she just cannot stand you anymore, neither of those is
17:42
healthy. So in the first case where
17:44
you're obsessed with her prioritizing you in the same way
17:46
as she did before, the children were on the scene.
17:48
You need to work on preoccupied. Attachment with your own
17:51
therapist in the situation where she just literally can't stand
17:54
you at all. And she barely seems to notice
17:55
if you're even eating dinner, or if you're even in the house or
17:59
anything because she's so so, so obsessed with a child, that is
18:02
no longer an infant than that. It would also be a reason to get
18:05
into couples counseling because that is also not normative.
18:08
And if the marriage dissolves and the children are not going
18:10
to be in as good a position anyway and that can frequently
18:13
be the motivator to get your wife and two couples is to say
18:16
well, you know, it is not going to be good for the children if
18:19
we get divorced and that could be a real wake-up call for a
18:22
woman who has due to her own issues of whatever sort poured
18:26
herself. So holy and her identity as a
18:28
mother that she does not anymore have an identity as anything
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else. All right.
18:32
Well hopefully this was Is useful to you guys, and if it
18:36
spoke to you, you know, you can always also reach out to me for
18:39
therapy or for it to any of my therapists best life, Behavioral
18:43
Health. If any of these issues ever
18:45
speak to you to the point that use want to start working on
18:47
them and I will talk to you soon.
18:49
Bye, guys.