Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Our (In)Visible Work: Emotional Intelligence, Leadership & Empowerment with Dr. Doreen MacAulay & Dr. Janelle Wells

Transcript

Our (In)Visible Work: Emotional Intelligence, Leadership & Empowerment with Dr. Doreen MacAulay & Dr. Janelle Wells · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

• 0:01
  Hello and welcome to The Field Podcast.
• 0:03
  Today I'm your host, Melissa Crook, and these are the ways to
• 0:07
  engage with our new episode, Our Invisible Work, Emotional
• 0:13
  intelligence, leadership and Empowerment with Doctor Doreen
• 0:17
  McCauley and Dr. Janelle Wells. Find something that can ground
• 0:22
  you during a stressful or highly intense emotional state, whether
• 0:28
  it be an object, a person, or a technique that brings you back
• 0:32
  to earth. Start thinking of things that
• 0:35
  can be grounding for you when your nervous system needs it
• 0:40
  most. And a good example I can share
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  is my husband is well known for his hugs.
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  His hugs encompass me and comfort me and ground me and
• 0:52
  help bring me back down to earth.
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  Another thing that really grounds me is going outside,
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  looking at the trees, hearing the birds, taking a big deep
• 1:03
  breath in. So those are a couple of ideas
• 1:06
  to kind of help get the juices flowing as you consider this.
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  We hope you find this supportive and helpful today as you listen
• 1:14
  to this really engaging, important episode with our
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  friends, Doctor Doreen McCauley and Dr. Janelle Wells.
• 1:21
  Thanks so much for being with us.
• 1:40
  Hello Field podcast audience. Welcome back.
• 1:43
  This week, we've got double the fun this week.
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  We've got 2 guests with us. And you, if you follow us on our
• 1:50
  panels, you will have heard from these guests on our panels.
• 1:53
  But we're going to take a little different angle today, bringing
• 1:56
  them here on the podcast side because we're going to walk them
• 2:00
  through our talking points and you're really going to get to
• 2:03
  know them as people. The panel talks a lot about the
• 2:06
  work. We're going to talk about the
• 2:08
  people who created the work and how they got there.
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  They're why behind it. We're going to dig into that and
• 2:15
  get to know their story. And I'm super, I'm so honored.
• 2:19
  These women are change makers in the world for women.
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  And they have uncovered some topics that and when I, when I
• 2:28
  tell you more about it, you're going to be like, Oh yeah, why
• 2:31
  haven't we not talked about this before?
• 2:33
  Why is it 2020, 2025? And we're finally having this
• 2:38
  conversation because it's something that's been going on
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  for literally thousands of years.
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  But we're going to take, we're going to take the big, oh, we're
• 2:47
  not talking about that. It's just happening around us.
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  We're going to talk about it because it impacts women very
• 2:53
  specifically. It impacts our health, our
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  Wellness, how we feel about ourselves, how we see others
• 3:02
  viewing us, treating us, what we allow.
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  We're going to talk about our choice within it and how we can
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  change that narrative and take it out of being something that
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  is unhealthy to healthy. And so we're going to dive into
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  all of that today, but I'm super thankful to have Doctor Doreen
• 3:22
  McCauley and Dr. Janelle Wells here today with me.
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  They describe themselves a start with Doctor McCauley as
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  empathetic, dedicated, hardworking, and a facilitator.
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  And for Doctor Wells, she's an optimist, a community builder, a
• 3:38
  learner, and a nurturer. Welcome ladies to the Field
• 3:42
  podcast. Thank you for having us.
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  It's wonderful to be here. I'm so excited to have you both.
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  You're going to have so much to say and we're going to get right
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  into this. Talk to me about prioritizing
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  self-care in your life and what that has looked like for you.
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  And we're going to start with Doctor McCauley on this.
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  Doreen, tell me about that. Fantastic.
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  Well, thank you for that's a great question because I think
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  it's something that we don't do enough of right is to to
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  prioritize that. So the the biggest thing for me,
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  I think in prioritizing my self-care is routine.
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  That's help me if you know me at all, you know that I, I, I've
• 4:24
  struggled with this one, right, with software.
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  I have struggled with it and it's one of those things that
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  I've had to really be very conscious and intentional about
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  incorporating things that were going to work for me.
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  So for me it is about trying to have routine.
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  So I have that first, you know, hour to 45 minutes.
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  I try to get up for everybody else in the house where I can
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  just have time to kind of set my mental space.
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  I get a little bit of exercise in and then I get myself kind of
• 4:54
  planned out for the week. So, so for me, that's where I, I
• 4:58
  put the self-care in kind of throughout the day.
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  And now I think the other thing with self-care we have to be
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  careful of because sometimes we think self-care is like, well,
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  I'm going to take a vacation for myself.
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  And that is important. It is important to make sure you
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  have family time. It is make sure you have those
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  times away and that you can really relax.
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  But I, I think it's about the day-to-day self-care, like, you
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  know, making sure, you know, one of the things that I started
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  doing is that I, I take half an hour or to get to bed.
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  Now. I used to be that kind of person
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  that, you know, wash your face quickly and just get to bed.
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  And I, I do, I get a process now.
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  I, I kind of decompress from the day.
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  I, maybe I'll write out a little bit of whatever's in my head.
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  So it's on a piece of paper and not in my head so I can go to
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  sleep. And so, but again, making that
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  self-care kind of part of my routine has allowed me to be
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  better at it, right. So I, I'm definitely a work in
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  progress. You know, I think we all, yeah,
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  in some way. That's definitely then the other
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  one that I think we, and especially as women, and if you
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  are a spouse or you're a parent, it's a finding time to say it's
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  OK to be alone. That was the other thing that I
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  used to always think that I had to, if, if there was people in
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  the house, I had to be in that room making sure that they were
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  OK. But it's, it's OK for me to go
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  to another room in the house to be by myself, right.
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  And it doesn't have to be just to, you know, be folding the
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  laundry or, or doing something like that.
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  But, but you know, or maybe it's just go out for a walk by
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  myself. Like finding that time to be
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  with me has really helped to, to start that or help that journey
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  of self-care. So that's that's some of the
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  things that I try to do for sure.
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  I think it's easy for the middle of the day to get lost because
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  we're going, going, going, going, going.
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  I know that's something I've had to learn how to really listen to
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  my body because I'll just like, I can do one more thing.
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  I can do one more thing. I can do one more thing.
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  I keep pushing patient and then all of a sudden my body's all
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  tense and my, you know, I can't move and I need to get up and
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  stretch. My blood pressure's through the
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  roof because I've done this, put this imagined pressure on myself
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  to do the next thing that I'm the only one that's putting the
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  pressure on. So I'd love that you brought
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  that up because I think that's a really normal day-to-day
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  struggle. And the biggest thing I've come
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  up with is pay attention. Like I'm better now than I used
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  to be. Like, and now I'm like, I'm
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  hungry. I'm putting this, I'm finishing
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  this sentence or I'm finishing this e-mail or I'm clicking post
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  on this thing and I'm going to get up and eat.
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  I'm just going to drop everything and I'm going to get
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  up and eat and I'm going to feel better.
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  But it's hard to do when you're in the thick of it because you
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  feel like you're on a roll. So thank you for sharing that.
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  I love that because I think that's that struggle is real.
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  You both said things that I think are so important about get
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  it in your schedule. We prioritize what in our
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  schedules, what we value and that has to start with us.
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  And we're going to get into more of that in a minute and how that
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  connects with the work that you do.
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  But I, I, I really emphasize that I'm like you and you can't
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  be the first thing to go either. And that comes with that in my
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  calendar. I value me and I love what you
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  both do early in the morning where you put you first.
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  No one else and nothing else can get in your way of doing that.
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  It's just you with you, whether it's with your girlfriends or
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  that alone time. We underestimate the power of
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  alone time. And I think sometimes we're
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  afraid to be alone with ourselves because of all the
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  noise that can come up within that.
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  But it's but it's in pay attention to that noise that we
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  can realize what needs to be dealt with.
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  Realize what's, oh, this is coming up for me.
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  I spent years being afraid of the noise and just pushing it
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  down and I kept grinding. And that will catch up with you
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  at some point. So don't underestimate.
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  It's not selfish. And we, this is something that
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  I, I really, really beat that drum.
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  But we cannot show up well for anyone else if we are coming at
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  it from an empty, debilitated, broken down, you know, well, to
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  give from. We can't do it.
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  It's I mean, we can think our way through it for a while, but
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  it's not going to be the version we want anyone to see of us.
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  It's going to be irritable. I'm a martyr.
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  No one cares about me, no one. And when we start building up
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  all these things in our head, they never and then never come
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  in. They never listen.
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  They never like, well, no, that's not true.
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  Some, you know, but it becomes very dramatic and amplified
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  because we're trying to pull something out of an empty
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  vessel. So so many important things
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  there within that and this next piece tides right into it it's
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  and you guys have already talked about this around your sleep.
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  I love this so much the boundaries that you've set
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  around time to wind down time to get ready for bed I have I've
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  been forced to do this at this stage in my life.
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  I for years would run myself so hard I could just fall into bed
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  and fall asleep. And however, that didn't
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  necessarily mean it was the most restful sleep.
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  I mean, and what I found now is my body won't allow myself to do
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  that anymore. I really have to have a whole
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  like the lights go down, the light, you know, the phone gets
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  dimmed and turned off and there's a whole process.
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  And I'm still going to see a sleep specialist on Wednesday
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  because, you know, thank you midlife.
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  But but that important, I don't know, isn't that, no, it's a
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  real thing, but tending to ourselves and setting boundaries
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  around the time that you both created for that.
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  So talk to me about the importance of healthy boundaries
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  for you and what you've learned about that.
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  Yeah, so definitely it's one of those things that I, I early on
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  realized that I was so bad at boundaries.
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  So I, I am one of those people that burned out really early in
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  my career because I had to be everything for everyone and I
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  had to say yes to everything. And that's what was going to get
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  me ahead. And so I, I, I kind of went and
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  crashed, right. So I'm not, I'm not going to say
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  that this is something that is, you know, that there's a secret
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  recipe for anything. And I think that it's
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  interesting for us to, if I clarify this more type of
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  boundaries, because it's different for everyone, right?
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  Because that's the we, we can't, we can't assume that the way
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  that I'm going to set boundaries is the same way that someone
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  else's. We have to listen and hopefully
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  hear from other people and, and, and gather like tips from
• 11:49
  everyone. But it's going to look
• 11:51
  different, you know, because I've got a family of two and you
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  know, there's five in Janelle's house.
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  So you know what I mean? And so that's a completely
• 11:58
  different houses, you know, And so the way that I can set them
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  and the way someone else can set them, you really have to look at
• 12:03
  your reality when you're doing that right.
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  And so the other thing I wanted to say before I, I'll say my
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  kind of answer to this is because this was something
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  boundaries is a harsh word for someone, right?
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  Or some people it really ended that.
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  Like, you know, I have to say, and especially if you've been a
• 12:18
  giver all your life, all of a sudden to say, I'm setting these
• 12:21
  boundaries, right? And it does.
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  And it was this woman who was was recently at a talk and she
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  was just in the audience with me and she would say, I call it
• 12:30
  protecting my peace. And it was, it was, it was just
• 12:34
  this different angle. And, and I don't know, maybe
• 12:36
  some of the listeners today, they may need that different
• 12:39
  language. And it's just that idea that,
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  you know, it's OK just to protect your peace, right?
• 12:43
  And So what does that look like? So I just want to kind of throw
• 12:46
  that out about boundaries because to some people, language
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  matters, right? Or language does matter, right?
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  So, you know, but yes, learning how to say no is been a struggle
• 12:55
  of mine for sure, right? It's one of those things.
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  But I try to connect everything back to my values.
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  And I know we're going to talk about values more because it's
• 13:03
  really important for the work that you do.
• 13:05
  But for me, it's making sure that if I'm doing things and I
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  feel like I'm getting overwhelmed or I'm doing too
• 13:12
  much, that my values are staying central.
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  And then everything else I, I, I have to be able to say no to I,
• 13:18
  I can be able to, because I love when you said that we, we feel
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  like we're the center of the, of the, of the world kind of thing
• 13:24
  for people. But, but realistically, we have
• 13:26
  to realize that if we say no, someone else is going to help
• 13:30
  them, you know what I mean? They may be able to find that
• 13:32
  help somewhere else, you know, or if it's with children, maybe
• 13:35
  they can learn to do something for themselves, Right.
• 13:37
  So, so that's a big one for me is kind of really tying it back
• 13:40
  to my values. And the other one is that I try
• 13:43
  to make sure I keep my goals at the forefront.
• 13:47
  And so, So what are the things that are really important for me
• 13:50
  to achieve and what's getting in the way or what obstacles am I
• 13:54
  allowing by taking on something for someone else, right.
• 13:58
  And so do they, they kind of align with that for me, because
• 14:01
  I think we can, we can forget our own goals.
• 14:04
  Sometimes we forget about the things that are important to us.
• 14:07
  And when we do that. So, so having those kind of
• 14:10
  mental checkings, I, you know, I, you know, when you say that
• 14:13
  you have that your, your decompression.
• 14:15
  And that's kind of kind of what I try to do when I'm going to
• 14:17
  bed as well as like, how was today, like, you know, did I,
• 14:21
  did I give too much? Do I have to see maybe is my
• 14:24
  schedule too full? Where can I, you know?
• 14:26
  And so, so that's one of those things that we have to be
• 14:29
  willing to check in with ourselves and just be able to
• 14:32
  kind of calibrate that integration.
• 14:35
  Yeah, there's two things you said that I really love.
• 14:37
  I mean, I loved all of it, but two things that really stuck out
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  to me is one that just that awareness and and like going
• 14:45
  back and looking at the day and, and like, and because we can
• 14:48
  learn something from every day. OK, where were the winds?
• 14:52
  Every day's got some winds, but where were some things that you
• 14:54
  know, I just you know, I can retweak and I and I maybe I miss
• 14:58
  the boat on a little bit and I can go back and recalibrate a
• 15:02
  little bit on that. The other thing that you said
• 15:04
  that I love so much was the different words for boundaries
• 15:08
  because that my friend Doctor Fannie label on Jer, She's been
• 15:13
  on the podcast a couple times and she's been a panelist.
• 15:15
  She wrote a blog about this last year because the word boundaries
• 15:19
  really triggers her. So she wrote a whole blog about
• 15:24
  why boundaries were a problem for her, but she laid out what
• 15:28
  they are and just that she's like for me, it's a guidepost
• 15:32
  and and she came up with different words.
• 15:34
  My son-in-law and and uses the word guardrails that feels more
• 15:39
  comfortable to him. So I think it's so important.
• 15:43
  Language does matter and we won't institute things that we
• 15:47
  don't feel aligned with. So it's not so much about don't,
• 15:51
  don't get lost in the word boundaries.
• 15:54
  Just look at the meaning behind it.
• 15:58
  Are they healthy? Are you communicating them?
• 16:00
  They are about us, not other people's behavior.
• 16:05
  But sometimes at first we go in hard, partly because we've gone
• 16:09
  so soft previously that there was nothing.
• 16:15
  No, absolutely. And you know, if I can because I
• 16:17
  do want to, this is actually something that my partner helped
• 16:20
  me out with. And so I want to share a little
• 16:22
  story, if you will, because it's very personal, right?
• 16:25
  But I think at the same time, it does help with this because one
• 16:29
  of the things that I think is also important is that if you
• 16:31
  have a boundary that gets crossed and gets crossed and
• 16:35
  then gets crossed over and over again, you need to really think
• 16:39
  about why, right? And so, so for me, I had a, a
• 16:43
  time with my, my father where he and I didn't have a good
• 16:47
  relationship. And so, yeah, something would
• 16:50
  happen and we would have a, you know, a large blowout and it
• 16:53
  would be very mentally exhausting for me.
• 16:55
  And I would be like, well, that's it.
• 16:57
  I'm, I'm cutting him off. I don't need to see him.
• 17:00
  Like my daughter won't see him. We won't see him.
• 17:02
  And I would get, and I would go too far.
• 17:05
  I'd move the pendulum too far. And so then I would allow it to
• 17:09
  go back and then it would crossover.
• 17:11
  And then I feel like I was getting taken advantage of
• 17:13
  again. And then I go back to it.
• 17:14
  And so this back and forth pendulum was not working.
• 17:17
  And it was actually my spouse who made me sit down.
• 17:21
  He's a dream. What's what's here at the root
• 17:24
  of this, right? And So what we ended up doing
• 17:26
  was finding that that that middle ground that worked.
• 17:29
  So what was it? So I felt my mother had passed
• 17:33
  away at the time. So he was by himself.
• 17:34
  So I felt a sense of obligation and I said, so I feel like I
• 17:38
  need to be in contact. And so it, it ended up taking
• 17:42
  one time, so it would be once a month there was a contact and we
• 17:47
  always had that contact. But the rest of the time then I
• 17:50
  didn't have to feel guilty about not contacting him because I was
• 17:53
  doing what I needed to be respectful to my father, to be
• 17:58
  respectful to my mother's memory and all of that.
• 18:01
  But then it wasn't, it wasn't this big pendulum.
• 18:03
  So I think sometimes if, if we that evaluation of ourselves, we
• 18:08
  forget to say, OK, wait a second, if I see this boundary
• 18:10
  getting crossed over and over again, what, why, why is it,
• 18:15
  what, what are the alignments in this relationship or from this
• 18:17
  situation? What do they need from it?
• 18:19
  And then where's that middle ground?
• 18:21
  And that's just to me, because I, it honestly changed the
• 18:25
  dynamic of the last four years, well, three years, especially of
• 18:29
  my father's life in on this, on this earth with me, because we
• 18:33
  had very pleasant times together because it was just that and
• 18:38
  then we moved on from it. So I just wanted to put that out
• 18:40
  there. People find that they're
• 18:42
  struggling, that they, if you find yourself just exhausted and
• 18:46
  then exhausted and then exhaust it, well, why are you letting
• 18:49
  these? What do you need from that?
• 18:50
  Because to me it was, I needed to be in his life.
• 18:53
  And so I would cut myself off. I'd be like, no, I need to be in
• 18:56
  this life. I need to, I need to know.
• 18:58
  So, So what do you need? What do they need?
• 19:00
  And how do you find that win, win in the middle?
• 19:03
  So, so just something to share because I think it's, it was
• 19:06
  honestly, it was game. It was a game changer for me.
• 19:10
  Thank you so much for that. That's such a good again, so
• 19:13
  many good real life examples. It's no wonder you 2 are so good
• 19:16
  at what you do. But so many like taking those
• 19:18
  real life examples though, and finally, like something's not
• 19:21
  working here. Communication is not clear.
• 19:24
  They're simply not respecting. I'm making it about their
• 19:27
  behavior instead of mine. What is it?
• 19:29
  What is I'm I'm I'm setting it too hard and then I'm keeping
• 19:33
  after. I mean, what if what's happening
• 19:36
  in here? Let's break it down.
• 19:38
  It's so good to have those people in our lives, our
• 19:40
  partners, our close friends that are like, OK, I'm just as an
• 19:45
  observer and I and my husband has done this so many times in
• 19:50
  such helpful ways, like let's take a different way.
• 19:53
  This is what I'm seeing. And that can be really helpful
• 19:57
  because it gives another produce.
• 19:59
  So it's so important to have those voices.
• 20:01
  But I also love how you tied values to boundaries.
• 20:04
  And we'll get to this later. But values, expectations,
• 20:07
  boundaries, self-care, they're all.
• 20:10
  Twined with each other. And if you have, you know what
• 20:12
  your values are and you align your expectations with your
• 20:16
  bound with your values, you can then set healthy boundaries
• 20:19
  according to your values. And then you've got room for
• 20:22
  yourself care because you've prioritized your life in a way
• 20:26
  that aligns with all of those things.
• 20:28
  And your calendar isn't full of things that don't align with
• 20:32
  your values, expectations and boundaries.
• 20:34
  And all of a sudden that time that you're telling me all the
• 20:36
  time you don't have room for self-care.
• 20:38
  It's magically there, you will light and it's also back to what
• 20:43
  you said. It's in those little things,
• 20:45
  those simple things. It's not the big dramatic, take
• 20:49
  a vacation so I can rest and be cut off from the world.
• 20:51
  All those those are nice and necessary too.
• 20:54
  It's that day-to-day. Get up a little earlier, take
• 20:57
  some time before bedtime. Realize that sometimes my day in
• 21:01
  the middle of the day can get jumbled.
• 21:02
  How can I help myself here? Maybe I set a timer that every
• 21:06
  hour I'm going to stop and breathe.
• 21:07
  I literally did that for a while.
• 21:09
  I was in a very stressful environment a few years back in
• 21:13
  my job and I would have, I was having real issues with the
• 21:16
  anxiety and blood pressure levels escalating throughout the
• 21:19
  day. And so I came up with the trick.
• 21:21
  I set a timer or once an hour, I stopped and did a box breathing
• 21:25
  exercise to ground myself to just reset and stop what I'm
• 21:31
  doing. It got me.
• 21:32
  It literally got me through the day.
• 21:33
  It wasn't perfect, but it was something I could do right there
• 21:36
  in the moment at my desk, didn't have to disrupt anything.
• 21:40
  So, yeah, so think about those little, those little moments
• 21:43
  really do matter within that. But thank you both for just
• 21:46
  really good tangible advice and examples of how we bump into
• 21:52
  these things and how we can take this framework and utilize it
• 21:55
  for our benefit, for our well-being.
• 21:57
  And this really goes nicely into taking care of our emotional
• 22:01
  health as much as our physical health, our mental health, our
• 22:04
  spiritual health. This to me is where all these
• 22:08
  things come together. And your book really hits it and
• 22:12
  you have, you all have this amazing book that came out and
• 22:16
  it's it, it's talking about the things that we should have been
• 22:20
  talking about years ago. But when I, when I, the first
• 22:25
  time I, I saw it and when you're all were brought to me, I saw
• 22:29
  that our invisible workbook and the end is in parentheses and
• 22:34
  the visible standing alone. And I started looking at like,
• 22:37
  Oh my gosh, women across the world every day and many in
• 22:42
  marginalized communities as well are doing the invisible work
• 22:47
  that there's no thank you, no recognition, no pay for.
• 22:53
  It is just assumed that it will be done because of they've done
• 22:58
  it for generations, because the patriarchy and hierarchy of the
• 23:04
  world dictates it. Society expects it.
• 23:07
  Cultural narratives are built around it.
• 23:10
  But in the, in the, in the harmful areas of this, it's,
• 23:14
  it's doing a number on our health.
• 23:18
  And this is where this piece really comes together because
• 23:21
  it's not just our physical, but it's that a mental emotional
• 23:25
  health, which then impacts our physical health.
• 23:28
  And it's this invisible work piece where we feel like we're
• 23:31
  not appreciated, where it just goes into having this
• 23:35
  conversation with my husband. It's like, it's incredible how
• 23:38
  far a thank you and an acknowledgement goes in these
• 23:42
  situations. Like it isn't necessary all the
• 23:46
  time that we're always looking for payment or and a change in
• 23:52
  our titles or roles, as much as we just want it to be seen and
• 23:59
  acknowledged and appreciated. So talk to me about your own
• 24:05
  mental, physical, emotional health journeys, but also I want
• 24:10
  you after you do that, talk about how this book came
• 24:15
  together for you and the research that went into it.
• 24:17
  Because this for me is like, Dang, we are finally talking
• 24:20
  about this. We are finally putting words to
• 24:23
  this thing and get and, and it's bringing and it's and it's not
• 24:28
  just for this book is not it is for people that are in
• 24:31
  leadership. It is for every single white
• 24:37
  cisgendered men across the world because you all just don't do as
• 24:42
  much invisible work. It's just what it's but also
• 24:46
  too, it's for everybody to take and realize because all of us,
• 24:51
  most of us in various ways are in various positions of power.
• 24:56
  And we may not even realize that even the yes, we're doing it,
• 25:00
  but we may be asking of other people, are we thanking them for
• 25:04
  that little thing they're doing? So, so Doctor Wells, let's start
• 25:08
  with you and your own mental, emotional, physical health
• 25:11
  journey. And then Doreen, go ahead and
• 25:14
  follow. And then the two of you talk
• 25:15
  about the creation of this really important book.
• 25:21
  Melissa, I think you kicked it off of our children are
• 25:25
  sometimes our biggest mirrors and we don't even realize that
• 25:28
  need to be held up in front of us, right?
• 25:31
  Just show us. And sometimes I say one of them
• 25:34
  specific when we talk about emotional intelligence and and
• 25:37
  we brought in a chapter on this emotional labor and stuff really
• 25:40
  because of Doreen's work. But I'll let her share some of
• 25:42
  that. But it's important because even
• 25:45
  as you said, language is changing before you talk about
• 25:47
  boundaries, like, oh, we didn't know what those were a decade
• 25:49
  ago. We didn't know that terminology
• 25:51
  and what that meant. The same thing when we talk
• 25:53
  about emotional intelligence or we talk about mood meters, like
• 25:56
  our children now are being taught social and emotional
• 26:00
  learning. So we use the mood meter, we use
• 26:03
  the feeling and emotions wheel with them.
• 26:06
  And so my vocabulary needs to increase too, you know, And
• 26:10
  during I just last week, we're leading a workshop and you ask
• 26:13
  someone, oh, how is everyone in the room?
• 26:14
  Good, good, good, good, good. But that's not an emotional
• 26:17
  state, right? But yet the next generation's
• 26:21
  coming into the workplace. Oh, they can say I'm tired, I'm
• 26:25
  overwhelmed, I'm irritated. You know, they have an in tune
• 26:28
  that we naturally were so supposed to suppress.
• 26:31
  And that was a part of the emotional labor and the weight
• 26:34
  that we have to mask, as you said, as women, as mothers, as
• 26:38
  educators, you know, But that is also a part of the framework.
• 26:41
  When we talk about emotional intelligence, sometimes we
• 26:44
  always talk about, yes, it's this self recognition, right?
• 26:47
  But it's also the regulating and Dorie and I talk about it a lot,
• 26:51
  very much because as as faculty members, we have had to regulate
• 26:55
  for at least two decades, right? When someone says something
• 26:58
  inappropriate in the class, how do we address it?
• 27:00
  Because there's 50 eyeballs looking at you, you know, but
• 27:03
  that's a weight that is an emotional labor that comes with
• 27:08
  that work that we do. We're also evaluated very
• 27:12
  different, right? If I come across as too
• 27:14
  assertive and too direct, whereby male counterpart done
• 27:17
  that, he wouldn't have been evaluated the same way, you
• 27:22
  know, And so that's when we talk about this emotional health and
• 27:25
  what I've learned. My biggest thing, and I think
• 27:28
  I'm more conscious of it now learning more is that your
• 27:32
  breath can be your first word and we're OK with silence right
• 27:38
  now inside. I might be just a turmoil inside
• 27:41
  of this hurricane inside of my body.
• 27:43
  I'm taking a deep breath. I'm observing before I respond
• 27:47
  and say anything. But wow, how much work is that?
• 27:49
  And whether that might be a comment about my dress or
• 27:52
  inappropriate comment about anything.
• 27:53
  And that is the emotional, not just labor and and health, but
• 27:57
  it is my regulation that I don't know if I've, I don't know when
• 28:01
  I became so attuned to it. But more and more recently I've
• 28:05
  recognized it's more of my regulation that I have to be so
• 28:09
  mindful of. And now it's my kids.
• 28:12
  Sometimes with the three kids, one's looking at you.
• 28:14
  How's the other? What's mom gonna say?
• 28:16
  What's she gonna do? Is her tone different?
• 28:18
  You know, they are. Those eyeballs are on you.
• 28:20
  Yes, yes. And so I'm just take that
• 28:25
  breath. My breath is my first, my first
• 28:27
  word or my first sentence. And that has helped me, right?
• 28:31
  Because sometimes I don't want to overact or I want them to be
• 28:33
  able to always come and share any and everything.
• 28:36
  And not just my kids. This could be in the workplace.
• 28:38
  This is my students, this is in our business practice so that we
• 28:41
  can truly digest it and process it before just reacting, right?
• 28:47
  I don't want to just react. Yeah.
• 28:52
  I think that taking your breath, being your first word is one of
• 28:55
  the smartest things I've ever heard That, and everybody can do
• 28:59
  that. That is so good.
• 29:00
  Thank you so much for that. Oh, my gosh.
• 29:02
  All right, Doreen, how about you?
• 29:07
  Yeah, So I think for me, emotional intelligence has been
• 29:11
  a part of my the fabric of my being.
• 29:13
  I think actually, even since my high school, because it's one of
• 29:15
  those things that I, I had witnessed a lot of people who
• 29:20
  had those outbursts that were really detrimental to
• 29:25
  situations. And I had some early experiences
• 29:28
  where it was like, wow, if, if we could have just talked this
• 29:30
  through, then it could have had a completely different, you
• 29:33
  know, outlook, right? Sure.
• 29:34
  But the most poignant one for me to realize, and it's funny
• 29:37
  because the idea of being able to I brought up in the
• 29:41
  hospitality and tourism industry.
• 29:43
  So I've been a performer since I was 11 years old on the stage.
• 29:46
  So you, you learn to have a mask, right?
• 29:49
  So, you know, so that that's kind of always been my ability
• 29:52
  to control my own, you know, and then to see the impact if it's
• 29:55
  not controlled. That was something that came
• 29:57
  early to me. But but it was the, the
• 30:00
  regulation of it piece didn't come until.
• 30:02
  And this was one of my first jobs I had after university and
• 30:07
  I had an incident where my general manager grunted at me.
• 30:12
  He walks by me and he grunts at me and I, I, I, you know, I say
• 30:17
  hello to him and then I'm like, Oh my goodness, what have I
• 30:19
  done? And I, that was at like 7:00 AM
• 30:22
  in the morning or first thing in the morning and I worried all
• 30:26
  day. I, I did, I wasn't productive.
• 30:28
  I was trying to think, what did I do wrong?
• 30:30
  What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong?
• 30:31
  And but halfway through the day, then he asked me to meet him at
• 30:35
  4:30. So now I'm definitely thinking
• 30:37
  that grunt is because of me and what have I done?
• 30:40
  So I've wasted my whole day now and then it's a 430 end of the
• 30:44
  day. I go in and it had nothing to do
• 30:47
  with me that we were doing a major project.
• 30:49
  He had found out that it was going to be like months behind.
• 30:53
  And then he needed me to come in in the afternoon to help him
• 30:55
  figure out the HR implications of it because I was the HR
• 30:58
  manager at the time. And I had nothing to do.
• 31:01
  And I realized, oh, my goodness, I did not control myself.
• 31:05
  I allowed my anxiety and my worry over nothing, right?
• 31:09
  So, so early on in my career, I had this love of this concept of
• 31:14
  emotional intelligence and being able to actually see it.
• 31:16
  But I think that's where when we're looking at emotionally
• 31:22
  intelligent, sometimes people think that means you always have
• 31:24
  to be just nice and you just don't ever it's, it's allowing
• 31:28
  your emotions to be what they need to be, right.
• 31:30
  And to to do it to a just, you know, an extent that's going to
• 31:33
  be productive in a given situation.
• 31:35
  But the bigger piece for for me, and I think what we're trying to
• 31:38
  say with this book is that there's a weight to that.
• 31:42
  And if we don't take the time after the situation actually
• 31:46
  say, you know what, that drained me, you know, I may not look
• 31:50
  like I have, you know, sweating from physical labor, but that
• 31:53
  was exhausting, right, to do that.
• 31:56
  And so, so kind of pulling into that idea of seeing this, the
• 32:00
  weight that it takes to have this emotional regulation.
• 32:03
  It is something that I think really kind of brought me into
• 32:07
  kind of this work and that we were doing right.
• 32:10
  And so so how do I control it? So, so just my own personal,
• 32:12
  just to eye journal and I, I write things down.
• 32:16
  You know, I think I've talked about this earlier about how I,
• 32:18
  I need to get things out of my head.
• 32:20
  I, I can let myself stress or worry or have those emotional
• 32:24
  reactions temporarily, but then then move on and make a plan and
• 32:28
  go forward, right? That's the other thing.
• 32:30
  And the other one too is it's, it's have your mantra or have
• 32:34
  something, whether it's your breath or whether it's at, you
• 32:37
  know, just that I, I, I'm, I'm OK, I'm enough.
• 32:40
  And just something to pause you for a second when you feel that
• 32:43
  anxiety or that anger or or whatever that, that emotion
• 32:47
  that's going to get in the way of your productivity in a
• 32:49
  situation, right? Getting in front of it with
• 32:52
  something that that helps calm you, I think is really
• 32:55
  important. And then the other thing I, I
• 32:57
  know this sounds, but whether it's a picture in your office or
• 33:02
  a place that you can think of, have something that can ground
• 33:06
  you around you. And you know me and I know that.
• 33:09
  And so, you know, because to me it, you know, and it's one of
• 33:12
  the things that's actually a part of the, the, the Wells
• 33:15
  Quest brand is you're always probably see a tree somewhere
• 33:19
  and you can even see one behind Janelle.
• 33:20
  You know, your audience can't see it, but there's one behind
• 33:23
  Janelle right now. But trees are our happy thing,
• 33:27
  right? That's like, you know, just, you
• 33:28
  know, being in nature, being able to so, so having something
• 33:33
  that allows you to take that break when things do get because
• 33:38
  no matter how emotionally intelligent you are, life is
• 33:40
  tough. Life is exciting, life is
• 33:43
  anxiety ridden. Life is all of these things and
• 33:46
  you want it to be right. You want it to be all of those
• 33:48
  things because that means you're living and you're engaging with
• 33:51
  the world and you're having this exciting life.
• 33:53
  But that comes with that, that back end of it that you have to
• 33:57
  take care of yourself as well, right?
• 33:58
  And realize that there's a cost. So, so leading into the book,
• 34:01
  and then I'll kind of start off into this because I do, I want
• 34:04
  to kind of tee up a Janelle because this book was definitely
• 34:08
  originally was a Janelle idea. And I think Janelle, a story
• 34:14
  around the first kind of real emotional reaction that someone
• 34:18
  had to her help is what really kind of brought this.
• 34:21
  You know, it was the the the catalyst, I guess I should say,
• 34:26
  of it. So yeah, I'm going to pass it
• 34:27
  over to you to tell and share the story about, you know, your
• 34:30
  student and how this book originated.
• 34:32
  Yeah. Absolutely.
• 34:34
  So take us all back to 2016. So I teach our our program as
• 34:40
  graduate students and three days a week they're working and it's
• 34:43
  part of their stipend and they take their MBA courses two days
• 34:47
  a week. And they were about two months
• 34:49
  in to the work. And this young woman, Jeff and
• 34:53
  we, a black female comes into my office and you can tell she's
• 34:57
  visibly. Upset.
• 34:58
  Right. And we're having a conversation
• 35:01
  and just telling me some of the things.
• 35:03
  And she would say microaggressions, like, no, no,
• 35:04
  no, these are macro aggressions that were happening in the
• 35:07
  workplace. And I sat with her.
• 35:09
  We cried together. I told her, I'm like, I see you,
• 35:12
  I see you, I hear you. We're going to work to make this
• 35:15
  better. And so we took that information,
• 35:18
  went to that organization. And so again, why, you know, you
• 35:23
  said the beginning, why is there parentheses around the I and the
• 35:26
  end is because to her and I, this was very visible of what
• 35:30
  was happening. But to the organization, we went
• 35:33
  there, it was invisible to them. Now we made it.
• 35:36
  So it's how can we bring the visibility, the voice and the,
• 35:40
  and the value to the work that she was doing, you know, and it
• 35:44
  was great. Like it did end it, but it made
• 35:46
  me reflect at that time in 2016. Like these aren't just stories.
• 35:49
  I think back to I was raised by a single mom who is death, who
• 35:52
  is Hispanic, who is a divorced woman, like all the things, all
• 35:54
  the invisible work that she did. And I didn't even realize the
• 35:57
  work that she did as a single mom as I went to bed as a kid
• 36:00
  until I became a mother, you know?
• 36:02
  And so all these signals have been around, you know, but now
• 36:05
  to see it and, OK, how do we bring again, this voice and
• 36:09
  visibility to this work? Yeah.
• 36:12
  And so we were fortunate. And that was kind of when and we
• 36:14
  started, we outlined. And during COVID, you know, it
• 36:18
  was really a time where Dory and I had to bond more than ever as
• 36:21
  we recreated some glasses and put it.
• 36:24
  But we also shared a lot of pain and realized a lot of the
• 36:27
  invisible work was falling on our shoulders, not only to
• 36:31
  educate our own kids at home, right.
• 36:33
  And then to recreate curriculum and also service emotionally
• 36:39
  service our students and the way that that intentionally falls
• 36:42
  upon particularly female faculty right.
• 36:47
  It it might not fit beautifully into their matrix of what they
• 36:50
  measure of the work to be done. And so at first this this book
• 36:55
  did come from a place of almost resentment and anger.
• 36:58
  But that's not meeting Doreen and I, you'll see like LED with
• 37:01
  we're optimistic like these rays of sunshine.
• 37:05
  And so we had to we had to kind of rewrite, you know, and as
• 37:08
  great as Doreen and her background and her work around
• 37:11
  identities and roles, it was a beautiful collaboration that
• 37:14
  just made the book and the work so much better.
• 37:17
  But then instead of coming this place of resentment, it it, it
• 37:21
  transitioned really into this place of hope because each and
• 37:24
  every one of us has invisible work.
• 37:27
  So how do we bring that again? How do we bring that to the
• 37:30
  surface, right, so that we can have these conversations and do
• 37:34
  and then do the work so that we can honor one another's work?
• 37:38
  Yes, I love so much about that one.
• 37:41
  It really was a therapeutic thing for you all because it
• 37:45
  brought to attention some things that you all needed to process.
• 37:49
  And going back to what Doreen said about we've got, you know,
• 37:54
  got to have these habits and these things in place that allow
• 37:58
  us, even if we got to put something on the back burner in
• 38:00
  the moment so we can show up, well, inappropriate, we still
• 38:05
  got to go back and revisit. That really made me angry.
• 38:08
  That made me sad. I got more excited about that
• 38:12
  than I anticipated. What do I need to unpack here?
• 38:15
  How do I need to move this through my body so that I can
• 38:19
  move forward from it and not have it store up on me and spout
• 38:23
  out in some unhealthy way? Later?
• 38:25
  I learned I needed to write down my emotions daily so I could
• 38:28
  meet myself where I was. I don't.
• 38:30
  I'm much more, this was more early on when I really started
• 38:34
  diving into this work with myself five years ago, but I
• 38:37
  really had to be intentional. So I knew what I needed that day
• 38:41
  and I met myself. OK, based on this information,
• 38:45
  what's going to serve me today in terms of myself care, how I
• 38:48
  can show up? What's on my calendar and how is
• 38:51
  this space I'm sitting in? How am I going to be in that
• 38:54
  space? Do I need to move some things
• 38:55
  around or do I need to just own them?
• 38:57
  My energy's here today and I'm going to have to prepare
• 39:00
  accordingly. I mean, it's very when you can
• 39:02
  learn to sit with those emotions, name them, process
• 39:06
  them. It really serves you because
• 39:09
  emotions are clues. I I get really feisty about
• 39:14
  people putting bad and good by emotions because how you react
• 39:20
  and respond to them may be bad or good, but the emotion itself
• 39:26
  is very important and it just it let it's real and it lets you
• 39:31
  know where you're at so you can do what you need to do
• 39:35
  accordingly within that. And so I feel like, you know,
• 39:39
  read this really does a great job of reframing that
• 39:41
  conversation brings it to light, but also you okay, this was
• 39:47
  therapeutic for us. Now let's go back and make it so
• 39:51
  that it is actually coming from the lens that's true to who we
• 39:54
  actually are and and reflects us and our knowledge and our
• 39:59
  research and what we've done so this can go out to the world.
• 40:04
  In a hopeful way, in a way that creates dialogue so that we can
• 40:09
  be aware. Because awareness is the
• 40:12
  biggest, you know, you can't act on something you're not aware
• 40:15
  of. I mean, I've heard this story
• 40:17
  when I, when I had you all in the panel earlier about how the
• 40:20
  book came to be and this experience that Doctor Wills had
• 40:25
  with his student. And one of my favorite outcomes
• 40:28
  from that was that when you went back to the organization, one,
• 40:32
  they had no idea, but 2, they were receptive and this opened
• 40:37
  opportunity for change. So no one that worked with them
• 40:42
  in the future would have to go through what this didn't student
• 40:46
  went through. And that's always the hope of
• 40:48
  this kind of work is it creates A narrative for conversation.
• 40:52
  It creates awareness. It makes you think twice about,
• 40:56
  oh, gosh, you know, Carolyn has been organizing the, you know,
• 41:01
  Friday lunch for our staff for 10 years now.
• 41:04
  Has anyone asked Carolyn lately if she wants to be doing that?
• 41:08
  Has anyone asked Carolyn lately if she needs help?
• 41:12
  Has anyone asked Carolyn lately if you know all you know just
• 41:17
  how she feels about? Has anyone thanked her?
• 41:20
  I mean, all of these things that go into just being aware
• 41:24
  sometimes, sometimes people love that, sometimes they want that
• 41:28
  responsibility. Other times they're like, you
• 41:31
  know, I just felt like it was expected and I didn't want to
• 41:33
  disappoint anyone because we as women will do crazy things to
• 41:38
  make sure we don't disappoint anyone to the detriment of our
• 41:41
  own health. We will abandoned ourselves 50
• 41:44
  times over. And sometimes we feel like we
• 41:46
  have to. I mean, sometimes it's an
• 41:48
  emotional mental health safety issue where we're like, well,
• 41:52
  this is expected of me and I can't lose this job.
• 41:55
  When actually maybe you find out if you communicate like, you
• 42:00
  know, I've been doing this for a while and I'm just wondering
• 42:02
  blah, blah, blah. Or better yet, as the person who
• 42:07
  overseas that position, you go back and check in, hey, I'm
• 42:10
  noticing you're doing this. How do you feel about this?
• 42:14
  Do you know how much we appreciate you?
• 42:16
  I mean, those are the kinds of things.
• 42:17
  Other times you need to adjust their job description.
• 42:21
  Make sure that's added right. Exactly and.
• 42:24
  They're being paid for that or they have a title that actually
• 42:29
  matches what they're doing. And that is an issue in higher
• 42:33
  education all over the place. And I know that because my
• 42:37
  husband also works in higher Ed administration.
• 42:40
  We've had that conversation many times over the years.
• 42:43
  I'm like, man, you all are a champions of getting work.
• 42:48
  I mean, my daughter right now is working for her alma mater.
• 42:51
  What she does versus what her job description says and what
• 42:56
  she gets paid are not an alignment.
• 43:00
  I mean, so these are necessary conversations and there's the
• 43:05
  ones that we need to continue to have, whether it's happening in
• 43:09
  your household, whether it's happening in your workplace,
• 43:12
  your community involvement, where you volunteer, your church
• 43:15
  space, it's happening everywhere on the PTA, it's all over.
• 43:19
  It's prevalent. So let's be aware and have the
• 43:22
  conversations around it. So this quits being a detriment
• 43:27
  to women's help to, you know, minority health that are, you
• 43:33
  know, underprivileged populations that are just
• 43:35
  expected to do all this stuff, help that we're creating safe
• 43:38
  environments when they're feeling overtaxed, that they can
• 43:42
  come and have these conversations without feeling
• 43:44
  like they're under any kind of a threat.
• 43:47
  And I think this book opens the door for all of that.
• 43:50
  And and it's, and that is that when you talk to people, is that
• 43:54
  the hope behind it? Absolutely, 100%.
• 43:59
  It's that idea of really trying to have a conversation that
• 44:02
  people don't even realize needs to be had, right?
• 44:05
  There's yeah, there's these because because the biggest
• 44:09
  thing that we've found and and we've had, we've had it really
• 44:13
  well received, right? That's the, you know, because I
• 44:16
  think originally if it would have went out in the more, you
• 44:19
  know, hostile, you know, version that it was originally right?
• 44:23
  Where it was more of a like, you know, this is just wrong and you
• 44:26
  know this wrong. And it's it's this idea that you
• 44:29
  know what? Well, I, I didn't see that.
• 44:31
  I didn't, I didn't even acknowledge that.
• 44:33
  I didn't even realize that that was the case.
• 44:36
  And so I, I do really think that there's conversations that have
• 44:40
  to be, you know, have like, so you know, you're talking with
• 44:42
  the person who's doing all of these extra things over and
• 44:45
  above the job description, you know, you know, making sure that
• 44:47
  in your annual review, you talk about everything that you do
• 44:53
  because that that individual who's even probably your, your
• 44:56
  direct reporter who you report directly to, I mean, they may
• 45:00
  not know of all those things that you take it on, right.
• 45:03
  Yeah. So, so if we don't have this
• 45:04
  awareness, So it's, yeah, it's about sometimes just having the
• 45:08
  conversation right with people. Yeah.
• 45:11
  Other times you have to push a little harder because there's
• 45:13
  people who make assumptions and there's stereotypes around what,
• 45:16
  what should be done by who and all that kind of stuff.
• 45:18
  And that has to be pushed back against as well.
• 45:21
  But yeah, we've had some really good reception around this and
• 45:24
  people realizing that, oh, wait a second, you know, how, how did
• 45:28
  that happen? Or, or well, you know, I, I know
• 45:30
  that we've always asked you to do that, but I just, I just
• 45:34
  thought you enjoyed it. But that's that's one of my, the
• 45:36
  ones that I really dislike. Well, you're really good at it.
• 45:39
  So I thought you enjoyed it, Right, Right.
• 45:42
  Well, I'm like, no, no, it's practice because I've been doing
• 45:45
  it this long. That's why I'm good at it now.
• 45:48
  I'm like, you know what I mean? It's not, I was not good in the
• 45:50
  beginning, but now I've been doing it for six years.
• 45:53
  And so, you know, so it's one of those things so.
• 45:55
  So I think that yeah, we have really hoped that this book will
• 46:00
  open up those conversations. And then because I think there's
• 46:03
  something as well about knowing that other people feel that way
• 46:07
  too, right? So that you know, yeah, if if
• 46:10
  you feel like you're doing way more than your job description,
• 46:13
  Well, sometimes and people have been brought up maybe in very,
• 46:16
  you know, keep your head down kind of family with the the, you
• 46:19
  know, the value is just to have the job and you know, you keep
• 46:22
  for it. You don't mention anything.
• 46:23
  You don't say anything about it. Well, you have to realize, OK,
• 46:27
  well, if I hear that somebody else had a similar experience or
• 46:30
  somebody else finds this very difficult, then that gives me
• 46:33
  some more power to be able to deal with my own situation.
• 46:36
  Absolutely, absolutely. And I think just the importance
• 46:40
  of, you know, you said a couple things that are so good that I
• 46:44
  think that awareness piece, like sometimes we think with our our
• 46:49
  bosses, they must notice, they must notice, they must notice.
• 46:52
  They are very busy too. They have a whole laundry list
• 46:56
  of things that they're responsible for.
• 46:59
  So you can't. So assuming they must know, even
• 47:02
  if they should acknowledge, even if they should, let's just just
• 47:06
  call it what it because of all of that, there may not be in
• 47:10
  there. So I think it's a good reminder.
• 47:13
  Don't assume they know. Don't assume they're just not
• 47:15
  saying thank you because they're bad or whatever.
• 47:18
  They also have a whole list of things that are part of that,
• 47:23
  you know, that conversation too, you know, and, and giving and,
• 47:27
  and sometimes they just need to be told.
• 47:29
  And we we need to make this right.
• 47:31
  Because the other thing you said is like, there is nuance in all
• 47:35
  of this. There is multiple things
• 47:38
  happening within these spaces, and they're just because you're
• 47:43
  good at something doesn't mean you like to do it.
• 47:46
  Like, I think so many times I've heard people, they'll stay in
• 47:49
  jobs for years. Well, I have thought I had to do
• 47:51
  it because I was good at it, but I actually hated it.
• 47:54
  And it really cost like, OK, let's not assume because
• 47:58
  someone's good at something that they love doing it and that they
• 48:01
  want to continue doing it. I think that's they're really
• 48:03
  important too. Yeah.
• 48:06
  And and this really ties into your why and your values.
• 48:09
  You had a very clear why and your values aligned very much
• 48:15
  with this work. And and Doreen, you said this
• 48:18
  earlier, how your values piece is so important to impacting the
• 48:23
  boundaries that you've set and the time that's available for
• 48:27
  you. So there's a tie in there too.
• 48:29
  But I'll start with so with you, Doctor Wells.
• 48:32
  Talk to me about the importance of the why and the values
• 48:36
  alignment in your life and how that informs not just this work,
• 48:40
  but all the ways you show up. Yeah, but not just individually.
• 48:46
  Even in our business partnership with Doreen, we always say like
• 48:49
  start with why, Like what is our why right.
• 48:52
  And early time, it's interesting.
• 48:54
  Everyone's like, oh, Janelle and everyone's like, you knew
• 48:57
  they're calling from early on, right?
• 49:02
  And so I have know what my why is.
• 49:03
  I have know what my purpose is here, you know, on this earth.
• 49:06
  And, and I Love Actually helping not just students, but but
• 49:09
  people that we work with finding what their why is and putting
• 49:13
  that into perspective. And I'll even say, Melissa, for
• 49:16
  this year, my word was prioritize, right?
• 49:19
  Because we are pulled in so many different directions that I
• 49:23
  needed to make sure that what am I prioritizing this year before
• 49:27
  I say that yes or before I say that no, How does this align
• 49:30
  right with whether some people say what their Y is, some people
• 49:33
  say they're N far is what is it the center of yours?
• 49:36
  So my 2025 word has been prioritized, you know, and I
• 49:40
  would even say it put me to the test right at the beginning of
• 49:44
  the year as what, 3 trips? My husband works for Notre Dame
• 49:49
  athletics and we were on a CFP run.
• 49:52
  Well, guess what? In December, on December 18th,
• 49:56
  none of those trips were on my calendar, and this year was a
• 50:00
  new, longer chase. Right.
• 50:03
  But it made me like, this was my word.
• 50:05
  So what am I prioritizing? We're prioritizing the family
• 50:07
  time together, right? And I will say the family of
• 50:09
  five, you know, right now in the season of Lifehorn, we're
• 50:12
  usually pooled in different directions as a divide and
• 50:14
  conquer. But for those trips, we weren't.
• 50:17
  And it. Really allowed us to prioritize
• 50:21
  something else that always helps us.
• 50:22
  Me recenter, and I think we've talked about this before a
• 50:26
  little bit, is we always say this recalibration, right?
• 50:29
  And whether that means there's new jobs, right?
• 50:33
  We have so many things pulling us, whether it's our careers,
• 50:36
  our children's social life or youth sport calendar, whatever
• 50:39
  it might be, you know, our own individual dreams, our own and
• 50:43
  then our partnership goals, right?
• 50:46
  And there's a recalibration that has to happen and it constantly
• 50:50
  does. But it just for me, it's always
• 50:52
  a re centering, OK, and having that conversation.
• 50:56
  And so that's what makes me kind of come back to that why that I
• 51:00
  have. And I always say like one of my
• 51:01
  why's is like we're always learning, you know, like, yes,
• 51:04
  I'm called just sort of others, but what's the lesson in the
• 51:07
  learning from this? And it's so interesting because
• 51:09
  I just started as I was away more recently, you know, for my
• 51:14
  kids, for my 14 year old, at the end of the night, I was like,
• 51:17
  you know, I'm going to share this with him.
• 51:18
  What were my wins and what were my lessons?
• 51:20
  You know? And I was just like, oh, I love
• 51:23
  you, your ears. You're still waiting for that
• 51:24
  response. But I'm like, well, this is what
• 51:26
  I do for myself. But I want him to show I can't
• 51:28
  just say some of these practices and teach others of these
• 51:31
  practices if I'm not doing them for myself.
• 51:34
  And so that has been helpful and it's created a conversation, you
• 51:37
  know, so it's kind of on our text with my teenager and my
• 51:39
  husband and I, I particularly do it when I'm not at home that day
• 51:44
  if I'm on the road traveling or something.
• 51:47
  But it recenters me and my why. And so those are one of the
• 51:51
  practices. That I love that I love those
• 51:53
  connect points you found in that.
• 51:56
  And I left it this and you brought up such an interesting
• 51:59
  conversation in that because going back to, you know, the
• 52:02
  beginning of the year piece. So when, when you prioritize and
• 52:06
  when you center your wine, your values, sometimes those are
• 52:09
  going to bump up against what you thought was going to be.
• 52:12
  And, and you have to be willing and, and be centered in that and
• 52:16
  be able to communicate clearly. And that doesn't mean the other
• 52:20
  side's going to come along. But Doreen, go ahead and talk to
• 52:23
  me about because this is a key component for you as well.
• 52:29
  Well, I think I think there's something interesting too.
• 52:31
  So I think when we think of our values, we think of that we have
• 52:34
  a plan that's going to help us execute those values, right?
• 52:38
  And I think what the, the, the lesson and especially, you know,
• 52:41
  when, when Janelle talks about because she had a very
• 52:44
  unexpected January, right? It's about, it's about
• 52:48
  understanding that the, the actual execution may not
• 52:51
  necessarily be what we we want, but as long as the value is
• 52:55
  still at the heart of it. That's, that's the key, right?
• 52:58
  And you know, because it's interesting.
• 52:59
  There's, and I, I, I talk about this one in most of my classes
• 53:03
  when we talk about values. There's a gentleman actually,
• 53:06
  he's out of Chicago and his name is Bloomberg is his last name
• 53:10
  and his first name is escaping right now.
• 53:11
  But he has a book called Return on Integrity.
• 53:15
  And, and one of the best lines that he has in this book, and
• 53:19
  it's about how do you stay true to it, is that, you know, we
• 53:22
  don't intentionally say I'm going to go against my values
• 53:26
  today. I'm not intentionally going to
• 53:28
  ignore the things that are important to me today.
• 53:30
  We drift away, right? We drift away from them, right?
• 53:35
  And so and, and like, honestly, it's the most powerful line when
• 53:38
  it, when it comes to understanding that, that at the
• 53:40
  heart of what you do has to be this.
• 53:43
  If it's your family, it's your family.
• 53:45
  If there's a certain achievement you want in your career, it's
• 53:47
  your career. If it's something in your
• 53:49
  community, it has to be that. So understanding that, you know,
• 53:54
  we can't always have a nice planned out flow of what that
• 53:58
  looks like, but if we can check in with ourselves, right?
• 54:01
  And there's that idea that when we check in, we can course
• 54:06
  correct, right? So take if you take advantage of
• 54:10
  a moment or if you get lost in a moment, right?
• 54:12
  Maybe there is going to be that one month this year that maybe
• 54:16
  you're not going to have those priorities where you want them.
• 54:19
  But you know what by at the end of that month, if you sit and
• 54:23
  think for a moment about where are my, my priorities, Where are
• 54:27
  the important things to me? You, you have time to course
• 54:30
  correct, right. But it's when we don't take time
• 54:33
  over years and years that that's when we start to, you know, wake
• 54:36
  up one day and we're like, who is that person in the mirror?
• 54:39
  Because they're doing all these things that really aren't in,
• 54:42
  you know, they're taking, allowing people to take up their
• 54:44
  time and allowing me to be doing things that don't align with
• 54:48
  that. So I think that that reflection
• 54:50
  piece of it is so, so very important because I, you know,
• 54:55
  it changes, right? Yes, it does.
• 54:57
  I think what we value, I think what we value changes as well.
• 55:02
  And, and you know, and it's not to say I'm too accurate with
• 55:05
  this, right? But you think about your, you
• 55:07
  know, we talk about having our instrumental values and our
• 55:10
  terminal values, right? And the instrumental values are
• 55:14
  the way that we kind of actually like live our life, right?
• 55:17
  So that, you know, that's how you know that being elements to
• 55:20
  being, you know, having maybe maybe it's just, you know,
• 55:22
  family, family just as you know, or but it's more about, you
• 55:25
  know, I just want to be honest. I want to be someone of
• 55:27
  integrity. I want to.
• 55:28
  But then there is the terminal ones and the terminal ones are
• 55:31
  those end states. You know, I want to have a happy
• 55:33
  household. I want to be able to have an
• 55:35
  education. I want to have a certain with
• 55:37
  those they can change, but sometimes when we think that
• 55:40
  values have to be these things that we have, well, maybe
• 55:44
  there's some of them that stay constant, right, but not all of
• 55:48
  them, right. And so so that has to be that
• 55:50
  conversation you have with us and really having a conversation
• 55:54
  with yourself about this stuff. Everyone so or and I think it's
• 55:57
  one of the things that we also talk about that you talk a lot
• 55:59
  about is how can we help one another right And it's.
• 56:02
  Having. People in your life, we can have
• 56:05
  these conversations. So whether it's your partner or
• 56:07
  whether it's your business partner or whether it's your,
• 56:09
  your, your colleague that you have or a really good friend,
• 56:13
  having spaces to have these open conversations to be able to
• 56:16
  share. And to, because I know like some
• 56:18
  of my accountability, it, it comes from the people around me.
• 56:22
  And it comes from me being open to say, I want you to hold me
• 56:25
  accountable. Like, I, I mean, because I don't
• 56:27
  know how many times Janelle will say, and So what are you doing
• 56:29
  for Doreen this week, right? And then she kind of got done
• 56:34
  right? Like, you know, and, but, but,
• 56:36
  but having those people that you give permission, like, and I
• 56:39
  don't mean you have to give permission to someone, but like,
• 56:41
  because not everyone's going to be open to correct you to say,
• 56:44
  Hey, I feel like you might be neglecting the family a little
• 56:48
  bit. Like, like that's a pretty
• 56:49
  personal thing to say to someone, right?
• 56:52
  But if you say to those around you, you know what, I know I
• 56:56
  sometimes get, I go down a rabbit hole, right?
• 56:58
  And I, I get so involved in my work that I can be myopic,
• 57:03
  right? I need you to pull me out once
• 57:05
  in a while, right? And have a give me and to have
• 57:07
  those people in your life that you've given that invitation to
• 57:10
  say, hey, pull me out when I need to be pulled out, right?
• 57:13
  Yeah. That, that does help because
• 57:15
  they, they, they become your, your flotation devices.
• 57:18
  It's one of the things that we will often talk about is that
• 57:20
  we, we, we, we never let a ball drop.
• 57:23
  They may get pretty low to the ground.
• 57:24
  We're never going to let a ball drop.
• 57:26
  But but the reason we're able to do that is because we'll ask for
• 57:30
  that. We'll ask for someone else to
• 57:32
  step in, right. What do you mean?
• 57:33
  Like, so if I'm, I've got something that's overwhelming
• 57:36
  this week, I'm like Janelle, I need, I need a hand or Janelle,
• 57:40
  because I need you to help me with this.
• 57:42
  Or can you take the lead on this?
• 57:43
  Because if, if we don't have that for people, then we, we
• 57:47
  don't have those people. I mean, in our life, we feel
• 57:49
  like we have to take it on all ourselves and we have to be the
• 57:51
  one that because, you know, you said something earlier and I
• 57:54
  want to, I want to hone in on it, because sometimes we stay
• 57:58
  with the job and we take all the invisible work and we take all
• 58:02
  the kind of that, the heavy lifting that comes with it
• 58:04
  because you know what, we have to put food on the table, right?
• 58:08
  You know, I think of Janelle's mom, right?
• 58:10
  She was a single woman raising two children and who were
• 58:14
  involved in every sport going and not just at the I'm going to
• 58:19
  go rec level, like at high level.
• 58:21
  That was completely into she had a lot to take care of, right?
• 58:26
  And, and she needed, she needed to keep the job that she had.
• 58:30
  She didn't have the choice of the luxury to maybe necessarily
• 58:33
  follow her heart or to, to find her passion, right?
• 58:37
  But, but at the same time, we, you know, she, she very much
• 58:41
  stayed true to what she valued. And that was her family, right?
• 58:45
  So how can we help one another in those situations and
• 58:48
  recognize those people that may not necessarily be able to have
• 58:53
  the, the dream job or the the job that, you know, Janelle and
• 58:57
  I will always say that we are so very lucky that we get to wake
• 59:01
  up every day and do something that we're passionate about.
• 59:03
  And that's not true for everyone, right?
• 59:05
  And so for those that it's not true for, how can we help them
• 59:08
  out? How can you be that friend that
• 59:10
  that person can just call and take some of that weight off of
• 59:13
  all that invisible work that they have to do right.
• 59:16
  Yeah. Them craft that really elegant,
• 59:20
  you know, performance appraisal, you know, letter that they're
• 59:23
  going to write that's going to kind of outline all of the
• 59:26
  things that they need to, to kind of let their boss know that
• 59:28
  they're doing like, you know, let me be that person for them
• 59:31
  so that they can still stay true to their why.
• 59:35
  So I, I just, yeah, I think we have to be careful of that as
• 59:38
  well, right? Because not everyone's going to
• 59:39
  have the luxury of doing that. Yeah, there's a lot of privilege
• 59:42
  involved with that. And you also laid out perfectly
• 59:46
  how we can support ourselves and other women in living
• 59:49
  unapologetically. That was it.
• 59:51
  That was it in a nutshell. That's how you show up.
• 59:54
  You show up first for yourself and then you show up for others.
• 59:57
  And you're like, how can I help you?
• 59:59
  Hey, I need you to be my safety net on this.
• 1:00:02
  Hey, I, I. You to see when I'm going down
• 1:00:06
  this road or hey, how can I show up and help you?
• 1:00:09
  I know that you've got you've worked in 12 hour days this
• 1:00:11
  week. How can I give you 15 to 45 to 2
• 1:00:16
  hours to yourself this week? Can I show up and take the kids
• 1:00:20
  with me when we go to soccer practice?
• 1:00:23
  So you can go for a walk or take a nap or do the laundry or do
• 1:00:26
  nothing, you know, whatever it is.
• 1:00:29
  So yes. And then because because of the
• 1:00:31
  nuances within that, how do we help and support other people in
• 1:00:35
  honoring values and themselves as well?
• 1:00:39
  And, and, but you got to it's it requires really clear
• 1:00:42
  communication. We can't just assume people know
• 1:00:46
  that about it. So that also that really clear
• 1:00:48
  communication, but being those safe spaces for women to land.
• 1:00:53
  And I, you know, again, the IT goes back to opening up doors
• 1:00:57
  for conversations, taking stigma's off things, creating
• 1:01:01
  places to be seen, heard, known that day that that student
• 1:01:06
  walked into Doctor Wells office. I guarantee you that woman will
• 1:01:10
  never forget that that was a time someone showed up for her
• 1:01:15
  and she will in turn do that for others because she saw it model.
• 1:01:21
  Because again, our kids, they will pay attention going back to
• 1:01:24
  our kids, they will pay attention to what we do.
• 1:01:26
  Going back to what you know, Janelle said earlier, they will
• 1:01:29
  talk, you know, that you could talk till you're blue in the
• 1:01:31
  face, but they're going to pay attention to what we do and if
• 1:01:36
  we, our words and our actions are in alignment with each
• 1:01:39
  other. It's such a big part of that.
• 1:01:42
  Doctor Wells, do you want to add anything else to this
• 1:01:45
  unapologetic piece that that Doctor McCauley laid out so, so
• 1:01:49
  beautifully for us? Yeah, they made me think of a
• 1:01:53
  story actually that just happened this month.
• 1:01:56
  I had a lemnay call me and we work in we're sport and
• 1:01:59
  entertainment, very male prevalent field.
• 1:02:02
  And then she's she was in sales in this male prevalent field as
• 1:02:05
  well. OK.
• 1:02:06
  Oh boy. And and recently it started in
• 1:02:09
  this and she was Doctor Reynolds.
• 1:02:11
  I heard your voice. I heard your voice telling me to
• 1:02:13
  speak up even if your voice shakes.
• 1:02:18
  And so she was telling me a story of, you know, working in
• 1:02:20
  the sales department, but then starting to date and someone
• 1:02:25
  that had had, was a hiring manager and had power over her,
• 1:02:29
  you know, had connected. And it made her start to feel
• 1:02:31
  uncomfortable because she's the only woman on the sales team,
• 1:02:36
  right? And so she's like, I hear your
• 1:02:37
  voice. I hear your voice in there.
• 1:02:40
  And, and this was two years ago. I might have said this to her,
• 1:02:43
  you know, but she's like, I, my voice was shaking and she's
• 1:02:46
  like, but I did speak up that I want this to be better for the
• 1:02:49
  next generation. And so when we talk about how do
• 1:02:52
  you support not only ourselves? Because sometimes I have to say
• 1:02:54
  it to myself. Still, you know what I can hear?
• 1:02:58
  My voice saying that, you know, but I want to make sure, you
• 1:03:01
  know, well, even those that have come before us have made it so
• 1:03:04
  better for me to have the privilege and luxury to work and
• 1:03:08
  do the work that I do. And so now how can I make it
• 1:03:10
  better for the next generation? And then to see her do that, I
• 1:03:12
  mean, it just made my heart sing.
• 1:03:13
  And I was like, thank you #1 even thank you for coming back
• 1:03:16
  and telling me this, you know, and what an example that you
• 1:03:20
  set. Yeah, yeah.
• 1:03:22
  Because so many times we don't hear about the impact.
• 1:03:24
  So it's always so special when we get to and, and, but also
• 1:03:28
  knowing how that matters. And this, this goes so clearly
• 1:03:31
  into living out of our own expectations versus others.
• 1:03:34
  This was her doing that. She, you, she, she saw what it
• 1:03:39
  looked like to have someone show up unapologetic for her.
• 1:03:42
  She saw what it looked like to speak up for herself
• 1:03:45
  unapologetically, even if her other voice is shaking.
• 1:03:47
  And this allowed her to communicate her expectations
• 1:03:51
  rather than continuing to live by someone else's.
• 1:03:55
  So that, I mean, the alignment of that, that's why I'm like,
• 1:03:58
  you all are so In Sync with all of these things that I talk
• 1:04:02
  about. But it also goes back to earlier
• 1:04:06
  to what Doreen said about life changes, seasons change, things
• 1:04:10
  are nuanced. So we have to continue to review
• 1:04:14
  our values, our boundaries, our expectations, because they are
• 1:04:18
  going to shift over time depending on the seasons we're
• 1:04:21
  in. And we have to allow room and
• 1:04:24
  space for ourselves to do that. And so, so when we start feeling
• 1:04:29
  those inner nudges, trust yourself, trust that inner nudge
• 1:04:33
  you're getting, trust that angst you're feeling that's trying to
• 1:04:37
  tell you it's time to sit down and revisit this and pay
• 1:04:42
  attention because life gets busy and it's real easy to just keep
• 1:04:45
  going and doing the things we've been doing that have been
• 1:04:47
  working, quote, UN quote, But all of a sudden it's not working
• 1:04:51
  quite as well anymore. You know, something shifts and
• 1:04:54
  this can happen in so many different ways.
• 1:04:56
  There's job changes, kids grow up and leave.
• 1:04:59
  You have a kid that you know, whatever, you know, you a
• 1:05:02
  partnership changes. I mean, there's just so many
• 1:05:05
  different, you know, you're all of a sudden there's aging
• 1:05:08
  parents. I mean, there's just so many
• 1:05:10
  things that go into the space and place a pandemic happens.
• 1:05:15
  I mean, there's just so many things we've seen, you know,
• 1:05:18
  over the last 10 or 15 years that make us, that require us.
• 1:05:23
  But if you put that in as a natural part, I've learned to
• 1:05:27
  put make that a part of my regular check in.
• 1:05:30
  Am I still in alignment? Is what's feeling out of whack
• 1:05:34
  here? I mean, last year I took on way
• 1:05:35
  too many things. I was trying to not miss
• 1:05:38
  opportunities and it looked like a good idea.
• 1:05:41
  And there was one thing in particular that I took on and
• 1:05:44
  said yes to for 2024 in the fall of 2023.
• 1:05:48
  And I knew no matter how much work I'd done, I knew from the
• 1:05:52
  moment I said yes to it that it was out of alignment.
• 1:05:56
  But I just kept pushing it back, pushing it back, pushing it
• 1:05:58
  back. And a year later, I was like,
• 1:06:00
  Nope, I am not doing that again. Sorry, team.
• 1:06:04
  I know I cost this all a lot of time this year because I didn't
• 1:06:08
  listen to that nudge. But I promise you, not doing
• 1:06:12
  that. We're realigning this way.
• 1:06:14
  This is how we're moving forward this year.
• 1:06:16
  This is going to get us back *NSYNC and you know, like I'm
• 1:06:20
  not less busy, but my but the work I'm doing is in alignment.
• 1:06:26
  It's aligned with my time, my values where I want to see
• 1:06:30
  growth, how I want to see, you know, change the kinds of
• 1:06:33
  conversations I want to be having.
• 1:06:35
  So you pay attention to those. But talk to me.
• 1:06:39
  Doreen will go back to you. Talk to me about your
• 1:06:41
  expectations journey. Yes, that's, that's an
• 1:06:47
  interesting one for sure. So I actually, I, I actually
• 1:06:51
  originally went into the military.
• 1:06:53
  So when I came to high school, I actually went into the military,
• 1:06:56
  right. And it was one of those things
• 1:06:57
  that it was an expectation. I think of someone in my
• 1:07:02
  community who had been doing things that I have been doing
• 1:07:05
  who has been, you know, because I was into sports, I was into
• 1:07:08
  community service. I was and all those kind of so I
• 1:07:10
  was kind of that perfect package to go into a, you know, the
• 1:07:13
  officer training program and I get in there and I didn't take
• 1:07:16
  long for me to realize that there was a few value
• 1:07:21
  misalignments that were very, very predominant for me.
• 1:07:27
  Right. Sure.
• 1:07:28
  You know, I have the the utmost respect for anyone in the
• 1:07:31
  military. I come from a long line of
• 1:07:32
  people, but in, in my position, I, I was in a position where I
• 1:07:39
  was going to be living on the base with one of my best friends
• 1:07:42
  from high school, but because they were a different rank than
• 1:07:46
  I was, I wasn't allowed to speak to them.
• 1:07:48
  And that to me was that moment of, wow, that's a value
• 1:07:52
  alignment difference that doesn't work for me, right?
• 1:07:55
  And then there was a few other things like that.
• 1:07:57
  So I but I had to realize, OK, well, wait a second.
• 1:08:01
  How did I get here? And I realized that I got there
• 1:08:04
  because it was, I was being pushed by other people because I
• 1:08:08
  wanted to make my dad proud. I wanted to make my grandfather
• 1:08:10
  proud. I wanted to make my grand uncle
• 1:08:12
  proud because they were all decorated people from the
• 1:08:16
  military, right? And so, so they had these
• 1:08:18
  careers. And I just realized that that
• 1:08:20
  that wasn't anything because I was definitely not an engineer.
• 1:08:25
  If you knew how well I, I do with numbers, you know, I'm not
• 1:08:27
  an engineer type. And so that was a piece of it as
• 1:08:30
  well, right? So there was a misalignment
• 1:08:31
  there. So, so that was my early lesson
• 1:08:34
  of woe. You know, dreams gotta kind of
• 1:08:36
  think for dream, right? And that's kind of one of those
• 1:08:39
  things that has to be be really kind of at the forefront.
• 1:08:43
  But it is a constant negotiation, right, of what
• 1:08:47
  those expectations look like. Because the other, the other
• 1:08:50
  piece that I've, I've learned through it is that expectations
• 1:08:55
  sometimes get misperceived, right?
• 1:08:58
  And, and So what, what, what you think you're explaining maybe to
• 1:09:02
  someone, you know, we see this a lot even with our students when
• 1:09:05
  we're trying to give them a sign or that we have an expectation
• 1:09:08
  of them, right? Maybe we're not clear with our
• 1:09:10
  communication or we're not, you know, So being able to be fluid
• 1:09:14
  with my expectations of myself and those around me, but being
• 1:09:19
  able to acknowledge when I've let myself down.
• 1:09:23
  And you know what, it's really hard sometimes to have that
• 1:09:27
  honest conversation with yourself.
• 1:09:29
  But one of the things that we have at wells question it's, you
• 1:09:33
  know, gel had brought it to the table.
• 1:09:35
  It was research that is done in this concept of feed forward,
• 1:09:39
  right. So Janelle was, you know, it's
• 1:09:41
  from the 19 was it nineties 94 Janelle?
• 1:09:44
  What was it original early? 2002 Thousand 2007.
• 1:09:48
  Yes, OK. That's what it was.
• 1:09:50
  And so it was this concept of feed forward being that, you
• 1:09:54
  know, we have to look at our situation instead of looking at
• 1:09:57
  it as a feedback, as a kind of a negative of what happened bad in
• 1:10:00
  the past. It's about how can we look to
• 1:10:02
  the, you know, forward and always try to improve things
• 1:10:05
  going forward. So for.
• 1:10:06
  Me and my expectations, I feel like that's probably one of the
• 1:10:11
  biggest keys that I've been living that, you know, when I
• 1:10:14
  started working with Janelle, there was a name for it, right?
• 1:10:18
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:10:18
  You know, Yeah. You know, you actually put a
• 1:10:21
  name. Oh, wait.
• 1:10:21
  This is what I've been doing all this tie, right?
• 1:10:23
  And it's this idea of always just kind of being very and I
• 1:10:28
  don't mean to be self critically, just self aware
• 1:10:30
  enough to say, OK, did that meet my expectations?
• 1:10:34
  I did it. So that's one piece.
• 1:10:36
  So if I've got it done, but was it done to my level of comfort,
• 1:10:40
  my level of expectation? And if it wasn't, then why?
• 1:10:44
  Right. And then just to take that
• 1:10:46
  reflection piece to be able to go forward.
• 1:10:48
  So, so for me, you know, I, I think I, I had a, you know, a
• 1:10:52
  costly understanding of I, I was living someone else's life
• 1:10:56
  versus my own early on, right? Because that cost me almost, I
• 1:10:59
  ended up going into my first year university two months late,
• 1:11:02
  which was not great for my grades, but I didn't anyway,
• 1:11:05
  right? But but so, but that, that
• 1:11:07
  that's important to realize that you have to live for you.
• 1:11:09
  But then realizing that with every person that comes into
• 1:11:13
  your life, with every piece of your life, that changes with
• 1:11:17
  every bit of the dynamic, that expectation that you have for
• 1:11:21
  that relationship, for yourself. It's going to have to be fluid.
• 1:11:24
  It's got to be dynamic kind of thing, right?
• 1:11:27
  And so to be able to give yourself permission to allow
• 1:11:31
  your expectations to change, right?
• 1:11:34
  Yes, for sure, 100%. Thank you so much for that.
• 1:11:37
  Go ahead, Janelle. Yeah, No, I'll build on what
• 1:11:41
  Doreen has said, because one thing that we say is that only
• 1:11:44
  you define your own success. Because Doreen has says if we
• 1:11:49
  spend our entire life trying to please everyone else's
• 1:11:51
  expectations of ourselves, guess who the one person is that
• 1:11:53
  you're going to constantly disappoint is yourself, right.
• 1:11:57
  And so you get to define what success is.
• 1:11:59
  And for you, it might be, it might be that title that you're
• 1:12:03
  trying to chase, you know, it might be an amount of money that
• 1:12:07
  you're trying to, it might be impact.
• 1:12:08
  And how do you measure impact? Yes, the organization's always
• 1:12:12
  going to have their own measuring.
• 1:12:13
  But for you and yourself, what is success?
• 1:12:18
  And I think that's very odd. And this could be not just
• 1:12:20
  personally, but professionally as well, you know, and I think
• 1:12:25
  sometimes we forget that that all of it a holistic individual
• 1:12:29
  because we can fall really quickly.
• 1:12:32
  To society. Right, and there's constantly
• 1:12:35
  that just because we're in middle school, we're in high
• 1:12:36
  school, like this is the realities of life and the social
• 1:12:39
  pressure and social media has just amplified absolutely that
• 1:12:43
  weight, regardless of our age. And I think a quote too that I
• 1:12:47
  live by is grow where you are planted, you know, because
• 1:12:50
  sometimes you might not have a a choice of that might be your
• 1:12:53
  partner has brought the family out to a part of the country or
• 1:12:55
  the world that wasn't on your bingo card, right?
• 1:12:59
  But how can you grow there? How can you be successful there?
• 1:13:02
  How can you build community there?
• 1:13:04
  How can you learn more about yourself there and so grow
• 1:13:08
  there? Yeah, and it's a choice.
• 1:13:11
  I, I that's, I'm so glad you brought that up.
• 1:13:13
  This goes really nicely into accepting layered aspects of
• 1:13:16
  ourselves, of our lives. We've talked about that in
• 1:13:20
  multiple ways today. Life is nuanced.
• 1:13:23
  Many things are going to come up and happen.
• 1:13:25
  Seasons are going to change. We may land in places we didn't
• 1:13:29
  expect. We may make decisions we wish we
• 1:13:31
  hadn't made. That's part of the life
• 1:13:34
  experience. But I really firmly believe
• 1:13:36
  you've got to get to this accepting of the layers in order
• 1:13:41
  to know your value, to prioritize yourself, care to set
• 1:13:44
  healthy boundaries, to communicate your expectations,
• 1:13:48
  to live unapologetically. It's all intertwined together.
• 1:13:52
  So, Janelle, we'll start with you.
• 1:13:55
  Talk to me about your layers journey.
• 1:13:58
  Yeah. I think we're constantly writing
• 1:14:02
  the playbook. There is no one's.
• 1:14:04
  Playbook that looks just like mine.
• 1:14:07
  No one right. Whether that is my own career
• 1:14:10
  journey, whether that is me and my partnership with my husband,
• 1:14:14
  whether that me is as a sister, a daughter, an auntie, an
• 1:14:17
  educator, A businesswoman, A Hispanic woman, like no playbook
• 1:14:21
  looks just like me. And so I have to well, people
• 1:14:25
  and I've always said people give advice based on their own
• 1:14:28
  experiences, right. And so just lay in that I have
• 1:14:32
  I've come to a level of acceptance of that, you know,
• 1:14:36
  that this is constantly evolving.
• 1:14:39
  You know, and we even say right now like there's there's a
• 1:14:42
  reason for that season, you know, and I say that like we're
• 1:14:45
  here in South that at this point in time right now for a reason,
• 1:14:50
  right? What did that have this have
• 1:14:51
  been very different If I was a single woman, Absolutely, you
• 1:14:54
  know, but I'm not. I'm married and I have 3 kids
• 1:14:56
  who are between the ages of 14 and 9, you know, and there's a.
• 1:15:00
  Reason to think of it right now. Yeah, and I think the other
• 1:15:05
  thing too, there's no playbook for our elder care parents, you
• 1:15:10
  know, or we had a loss of my father-in-law about 18 months
• 1:15:14
  ago and there isn't a playbook that exists on that, You know,
• 1:15:17
  and I say, yes, sometimes we're in the sandwich generation.
• 1:15:19
  Like, no, it's a Panini. It's this hot press because
• 1:15:22
  every day we're at sometimes at the peak of our careers, our
• 1:15:25
  kids need us the most. But now our elder kid, they they
• 1:15:27
  need us most, but they don't want to let go of their
• 1:15:29
  independence. And so every day again, I go
• 1:15:33
  back to every day I'm disappointing someone.
• 1:15:35
  It could be my own mother, it could be my own father, it could
• 1:15:38
  be my mother-in-law. It could be my my child or my
• 1:15:40
  partner. And knowing that this brought me
• 1:15:44
  all these onions, right? And they'll put the layers are
• 1:15:47
  continuing to grow. And you have to accept that I
• 1:15:50
  can lean into it or I could resist it.
• 1:15:52
  I've chosen the leaning in, you know, I'm not going to get it
• 1:15:55
  right, you know, but I'll work better the second time.
• 1:15:58
  I'll learn from it. There's so much freedom in that
• 1:16:01
  when you can take that approach. And I wanted to mention that
• 1:16:05
  earlier and I forgot and I want, I'm so I'm glad it came back up
• 1:16:08
  again because there is a lot of freedom and releasing that false
• 1:16:12
  sense of control because you hit it spot on.
• 1:16:15
  There are things that are going to come up like this might be
• 1:16:19
  really, really going well, but this is tough.
• 1:16:23
  And because this is tough and this is going well, something
• 1:16:26
  sometimes this is going to have to give.
• 1:16:30
  And there's, you know, I, I because I, that is just the
• 1:16:32
  nature of life. I mean, we lost, I feel you on
• 1:16:36
  the parent piece. We lost both my in laws within a
• 1:16:39
  5 month period in 2023. And so our, we had this time
• 1:16:43
  this week in 2023. That was absolutely wild.
• 1:16:47
  It was, we were on our 30th anniversary trip.
• 1:16:52
  It's celebrating our 30th anniversary in Vancouver, BC and
• 1:16:56
  Victoria, BC. Gorgeous, beautiful August.
• 1:16:59
  Brady had just accepted his current job at Fresno State.
• 1:17:04
  I had put our house on the market in three days because I'd
• 1:17:08
  been in North Carolina moving our middle daughter to North
• 1:17:11
  Carolina for a new job. Brady took the job while I was
• 1:17:14
  there. I came home, had three days to
• 1:17:16
  get the house on the market before we left.
• 1:17:18
  On our 30 year anniversary trip, we get a call as we're heading
• 1:17:23
  into Canada that we have a cash offer on our house that I just,
• 1:17:29
  you know, I, I'm very good at moving.
• 1:17:30
  My daughter says that moving is my Olympic sport.
• 1:17:33
  Like we've moved 12 times over the years.
• 1:17:34
  So I, I, I got that down. Look, that's the life of, you
• 1:17:38
  know, having a husband and higher Ed administration.
• 1:17:42
  And so all of these things like this exciting thing is
• 1:17:46
  happening, this exciting and stressful thing is happening.
• 1:17:49
  And in the midst of all this, we get a phone call that my my
• 1:17:53
  father-in-law, who has all of a sudden taken a turn for the
• 1:17:57
  worse. That none of us really
• 1:17:59
  anticipated coming so soon. And that we had to make a
• 1:18:03
  decision whether we were going to cut our trip short and try to
• 1:18:06
  get to say goodbye to him in time, or we were just going to
• 1:18:09
  accept the fact that we'd gotten good quality time with him that
• 1:18:12
  year and we weren't going to quite be able to make it.
• 1:18:15
  This is one week's time. That is life.
• 1:18:22
  I mean, in in this. And granted, I'm giving you 3 of
• 1:18:26
  the life's most stressful examples in one week, but yeah,
• 1:18:29
  that's what happens. That's what happens.
• 1:18:33
  And so this layers piece, so the trap, the the unexpected loss of
• 1:18:39
  him at a time we weren't expected did not take away from
• 1:18:43
  the excitement of this new opportunity that my husband was
• 1:18:47
  having. And that we'd gotten a cash
• 1:18:49
  offer on our house in a 2 day span.
• 1:18:54
  And that I had to get back home and get a new roof on the House
• 1:18:57
  and get movers scheduled because this woman wanted to move in
• 1:19:00
  yesterday and try to meet that timeline.
• 1:19:02
  I mean, but it was, I could either just be like shut down
• 1:19:09
  and like, no, I'm not doing any of this.
• 1:19:11
  Or I can accept the layers and the nuance within all of it and
• 1:19:15
  allow myself to feel all the complicated, complex feelings
• 1:19:20
  within it, which took time. And but I'm so thankful that I
• 1:19:25
  had this framework because it allowed me to do it.
• 1:19:30
  Was it messy? Did I have a couple of
• 1:19:32
  meltdowns? 1000% but I was also clearly
• 1:19:36
  communicating, meeting with all the people, my realtor in
• 1:19:39
  California, my realtor in Texas, the roofer, I'm like, I'm going
• 1:19:43
  to just be upfront with you right now.
• 1:19:45
  There is a truckload of things going on here.
• 1:19:48
  So if I lose it on you at some point, this is not an excuse.
• 1:19:51
  It's just a, this is just a PSA that that there's a lot
• 1:19:58
  happening. And so I'm going to.
• 1:20:01
  Be gracious to myself and also own that this is where you, when
• 1:20:07
  you tell people this, they're like, I'm like, yeah, that
• 1:20:10
  happened. It was a week, it was real.
• 1:20:11
  It all happened. But that is but, but it's, it's
• 1:20:14
  really just a synopsis of life. And I had to either embrace the
• 1:20:18
  layers. I didn't have to love them all,
• 1:20:21
  but I could acknowledge them and meet them where they were and,
• 1:20:25
  and get my way through it and know that I was going to have to
• 1:20:27
  create some time on the other side to process all of it.
• 1:20:31
  Or I could put my head in the sand and just be like,
• 1:20:33
  everything sucks. Everything didn't suck, but it,
• 1:20:37
  you know, but it was hard and nuanced.
• 1:20:38
  So, so much of what you said today, I mean, I feel like we
• 1:20:42
  could just have all these, you know, conversations around all
• 1:20:45
  of these ways that we exist and why these two?
• 1:20:48
  I mean, going back to the invisible work, there was a lot
• 1:20:52
  of invisible work happening with our whole family during that
• 1:20:56
  time span. Yeah, absolutely.
• 1:21:00
  But wait. But the thing, The thing is when
• 1:21:01
  you when you see that complexity in the nuance, and I know that
• 1:21:05
  sounds extreme and, and I apologize to you that the world
• 1:21:08
  put that all on you, because I feel a little bit like you, you
• 1:21:11
  know what I mean? You need to be recognized for
• 1:21:13
  how stressful that would have been.
• 1:21:15
  But The thing is that like that, that is our lives.
• 1:21:18
  So. Right.
• 1:21:18
  Yeah, because you think about all that, that was, that was
• 1:21:21
  your house, that was your family, that was your, you know,
• 1:21:24
  the career, it was all of those things.
• 1:21:26
  These are all those pieces of those layers and sometimes they
• 1:21:30
  are going to clash, right? And I absolutely love Melissa,
• 1:21:34
  that you said that there was some of it was really sad and
• 1:21:37
  there was some of it that was really joyous.
• 1:21:39
  And you have to be able to express both, right?
• 1:21:42
  You can't let just one layer overtake the other layers
• 1:21:47
  because you know, obviously that that week would have been
• 1:21:51
  extremely stressful. You know, I mean, I think I
• 1:21:53
  probably would have been completely Gray that week.
• 1:21:55
  I would have lost it. I mean, as far as the stress
• 1:21:58
  that would have come from that. But but I think you, you, you
• 1:22:01
  hit the nail on the head is that there's parts of our layers that
• 1:22:05
  we have to, we have to embrace the happy.
• 1:22:07
  We have to embrace the sad. We have to embrace the anxiety
• 1:22:11
  that comes with it. We have to embrace, you know,
• 1:22:13
  whatever that emotion is, right? My vocabulary is not as good,
• 1:22:16
  Janelle, as your son's, right? I only have a few words, but you
• 1:22:19
  know what I mean. But because he has a fabulous
• 1:22:22
  emotional understanding, he has lots of great words.
• 1:22:26
  But that layer's piece, I think the important thing is, is to to
• 1:22:29
  realize how complicated we are. And.
• 1:22:33
  Ourselves credit for taking on all of these complicated things
• 1:22:38
  and managing it right. You think it would pick it up
• 1:22:41
  put 2 feet on the ground that's a good day right?
• 1:22:44
  And then you get a challenge. Take on all these challenges
• 1:22:47
  that come with all the different layers that you have Give
• 1:22:50
  yourself credit at the end of the day for having gotten
• 1:22:52
  through that right. And so, but I don't think we do,
• 1:22:55
  you know, we forget that we are all of these different roles,
• 1:22:59
  right? You know, it's one of those
• 1:23:00
  things that we one of the exercises that we ask people to
• 1:23:03
  do. Is we'll.
• 1:23:04
  Ask them to, you know, maybe at the beginning of a, of a session
• 1:23:07
  we'll do, we'll ask them to give us five things that's part of
• 1:23:10
  your bio. But then later on we'll ask them
• 1:23:13
  to put another 15, right? And so we, because we want you
• 1:23:17
  to have twenty overall. What and and you know, that's
• 1:23:20
  one of the things that maybe some of the listeners, if you
• 1:23:22
  sit down and just take the time and put down what are what are
• 1:23:27
  20 words that represent the layers that you have, then you
• 1:23:32
  start to see how complex you really are.
• 1:23:34
  And oh, that's why I'm stressed on Friday and I feel I need to
• 1:23:38
  have a break, right. You know, there's a reason why
• 1:23:41
  I'm not sleeping as well, because all of these roles,
• 1:23:45
  they're important to me, right? It's OK.
• 1:23:47
  So I think that, you know that that idea, I love it.
• 1:23:49
  Like understanding your layers, understanding the pressure that
• 1:23:53
  comes with those layers and and being able to honor all of those
• 1:23:57
  layers I think is a really, really important thing.
• 1:24:01
  Yeah. Thank you.
• 1:24:02
  Thank you. Janelle, did you want to add
• 1:24:03
  anything to that? No, Dorian, that was a beautiful
• 1:24:08
  practice to put into place. Yeah, really.
• 1:24:11
  It really is. And it just.
• 1:24:12
  Yeah. Again, I go back to the nuance
• 1:24:14
  that one doesn't steal from the other, that we don't allow ones
• 1:24:17
  to steal from the other because. And that we don't just run with
• 1:24:21
  the the one predominant thing that we're feeling that feels
• 1:24:26
  the heaviest because unfortunately, sometimes we let
• 1:24:28
  the heaviest one rule and not allow room for the other one.
• 1:24:32
  Yeah. And exactly, exactly.
• 1:24:35
  All right, in some in living out feel, finding empowerment,
• 1:24:39
  embracing layers which you all you really, you really embody in
• 1:24:43
  your lives, you embody in your work, you embody in this book
• 1:24:46
  and your work together, which before we wrap up today, we're
• 1:24:49
  going to allow you all to share about Wells Quest and how this
• 1:24:53
  this really beautiful thing has come together for you all.
• 1:24:56
  But talk to me about how living this way has impacted your
• 1:25:00
  relationship with yourself as well as your relationship with
• 1:25:04
  other people. And Doreen, we'll start with
• 1:25:06
  you. Yeah, that's, that's a, that's a
• 1:25:10
  tough one, right? Because I think my first, my
• 1:25:14
  first one, my first word to say is it's improved, right?
• 1:25:18
  You know what I mean? I think that it has allowed me
• 1:25:21
  to be a better version of myself because I, I really try to be
• 1:25:29
  intentional, right? Intention is, is something that
• 1:25:32
  I try to do. But the other thing that I've so
• 1:25:35
  loved during this process of really kind of trying to embrace
• 1:25:39
  this and bring acknowledgement to the things it does.
• 1:25:43
  It's, it's the moment that you see in someone else's eyes that
• 1:25:48
  they feel like, oh, wait, someone understands me.
• 1:25:53
  Like there, there is, there is nothing better, you know, as a
• 1:25:56
  as a, as a professor, we would always say, you know, you could
• 1:25:59
  see it a student when they finally get it, you know, if
• 1:26:02
  you're trying to explain a concept and they're having
• 1:26:03
  trouble and you get that aha moment.
• 1:26:06
  But honestly, that's so so I think for me, the relationships,
• 1:26:10
  how has helped It's it's improved because it's helped me
• 1:26:15
  be more honest with the relationships and has left the
• 1:26:19
  yeah. Is there still stress?
• 1:26:20
  So yeah, I'm not trying to say that I live in a happy bubble
• 1:26:23
  where life is great all the time.
• 1:26:25
  No, But if you're honest about it, then we can have those
• 1:26:29
  really difficult conversations and then work through them,
• 1:26:33
  right? And then get to the other side
• 1:26:35
  of that, right. Or it's just that idea of
• 1:26:38
  someone acknowledging me more and me acknowledging someone
• 1:26:41
  else more. And then then seeing the trickle
• 1:26:44
  effect or the ripple effect of that, right?
• 1:26:47
  Them telling me conversations that they've had with their
• 1:26:49
  spouses or maybe with their colleagues.
• 1:26:52
  And to me, that's, that's just in the joy of this, right?
• 1:26:56
  You know, I know that, you know, when you when you put something
• 1:26:59
  out into the world, you know, it's you hope that you'll have
• 1:27:02
  impact, right? I think that's, you know.
• 1:27:04
  We. All we all have to make an
• 1:27:06
  impact somewhere. And to me, that has been the
• 1:27:09
  best piece of this. And it's not just been on my own
• 1:27:12
  personal relationships. I've definitely seen it even
• 1:27:14
  with my own partner, like my husband and I, it this, this has
• 1:27:18
  been amazing for us, right? We are a better team now because
• 1:27:22
  of it. But it's even beyond that, you
• 1:27:24
  know, with my colleagues, with my, you know, with my friends
• 1:27:27
  even, right? Being able to have these open
• 1:27:31
  spaces where we can appreciate and share with one another has
• 1:27:35
  just really been, it's been pretty amazing.
• 1:27:39
  I love that. Thank you so much for that.
• 1:27:41
  Doctor Wills, how about you? You know, Dorie and I have been
• 1:27:47
  doing a little bit more research and workshops with loading
• 1:27:49
  workshops around this idea of mindfulness.
• 1:27:52
  But one word really. And when we do mindfulness, it's
• 1:27:55
  really about presidency being present.
• 1:27:59
  And it's interesting is as I reflect back of where we are in
• 1:28:02
  our career now, yes, I've said I had teenagers to 9 year old.
• 1:28:06
  But I look back because when someone new joins the
• 1:28:08
  organization and they're in the thick of it and they have like a
• 1:28:10
  two and a four year old, let's say, or they're brand new and
• 1:28:13
  moving here. I'm like, well, you're, you're
• 1:28:16
  just running through life, right?
• 1:28:17
  Like, 'cause you're, you're literally kids are depending on
• 1:28:20
  you to live. You know, my kids are a little
• 1:28:22
  older, but I'm like, OK, how can I help?
• 1:28:24
  And then this goes back to me being a community builder.
• 1:28:26
  How can I help them? And sometimes I'll take like, do
• 1:28:28
  you mind off all the 2 year old you can eat, you know?
• 1:28:31
  And so that is a way I can show community building, but then I
• 1:28:34
  can focus on the relationship because you need those micro.
• 1:28:37
  Touches. And sometimes you don't get them
• 1:28:39
  as you're running around and doing this is like.
• 1:28:42
  So I really try to be as present as possible.
• 1:28:45
  And sometimes even that present seeing is if I think about
• 1:28:49
  someone, I'm sending them a text right then I am because it's we
• 1:28:54
  are also pulled in so many directions.
• 1:28:56
  And I even love, I have a wonderful student that's
• 1:28:57
  graduated, I think about 3 or 4 years ago.
• 1:29:00
  And gosh, it just warms my heart, you know, and it's
• 1:29:03
  sending out those tentacles. And sometimes we forget about
• 1:29:05
  it, right? Or we only do it at birthdays
• 1:29:08
  and weddings or celebrations or funerals, you know, and so it's
• 1:29:12
  like, how can we be presents? And so, OK, I was just reminded
• 1:29:15
  of Melissa, you know, Oh, Fresno State came up.
• 1:29:18
  Let me send her. I was just thinking of and
• 1:29:20
  that's it. That's a simple, it takes all of
• 1:29:21
  30 seconds to do right instead of like, oh, Melissa, I need a
• 1:29:25
  contact, you know, not, you know, like, no, I've developed
• 1:29:27
  this relationship over time, right, But I think it's really
• 1:29:31
  about being present and I'm realizing that I want to do more
• 1:29:35
  right now, but I know like every weekend I'm gone leading my
• 1:29:38
  kids. I mean, my weekends are busier
• 1:29:40
  than Monday through Friday because of the season of life my
• 1:29:42
  kids are on. Often I show up and be present
• 1:29:44
  when I am here, you know, and, and making sure I'm doing that
• 1:29:48
  to, to be that community builder or to build those relationships.
• 1:29:53
  And I think sometimes we're all in different, different spaces
• 1:29:56
  instead of being like, Nope, this is where I am.
• 1:29:57
  I'm almost lacrosse field. Oh, I just met this new parent.
• 1:29:59
  Let me say hello and be present here.
• 1:30:03
  So present seeing has been a really big thing as we find
• 1:30:06
  empowerment and and embrace the layers of us.
• 1:30:09
  And I try to find the connection points with those people, right
• 1:30:13
  that let bring out some of the layers in me.
• 1:30:16
  Well, those connection points, you call them micro connections,
• 1:30:18
  but those connection points and that presence build trust.
• 1:30:22
  Thanks so much for that. All right, we are down to the
• 1:30:25
  rapid fire. Name 5 activities that nourish
• 1:30:29
  you. Doctor Wells will have you go
• 1:30:32
  first. Five activities that nourish
• 1:30:33
  you. Yes, yoga is my form of
• 1:30:38
  meditation because I don't have to be anyone to anyone else
• 1:30:42
  besides myself and I can center myself and be quiet in that.
• 1:30:46
  I would say reading slash now as I have a teenager podcasting.
• 1:30:51
  So when I'm driving him sometimes to events, listen to a
• 1:30:54
  podcast and it really has nourished and it has a shared
• 1:30:57
  language, you know, so that yes, it might be reading with my. 9
• 1:31:00
  year old but. Now it's moved into the
• 1:31:01
  evolution of it has become and that really nourishes me and
• 1:31:05
  feeds my learning, but his as well.
• 1:31:09
  So it's kind of our thing when we're we're in the car now.
• 1:31:10
  What podcast are we listening to?
• 1:31:13
  I love that one other one is being still.
• 1:31:17
  I have these great rocking chairs.
• 1:31:19
  I actually have a front porch and you can sit on one you can
• 1:31:22
  look across and you can see this Willow tree.
• 1:31:25
  And I don't even care if it's for two minutes to just be
• 1:31:28
  still. Maybe it's being still in my
• 1:31:30
  car, right? It's just I need to find at
• 1:31:34
  least 2 minutes a day to be still.
• 1:31:37
  And that is very nourishing to me.
• 1:31:41
  Another one that fills my bucket for is kind of a random FaceTime
• 1:31:45
  with the these different groups of particularly girlfriends, you
• 1:31:48
  know, because like, we'll just be like, Oh my gosh, we caught
• 1:31:50
  each other and it could be 5 minutes or sometimes we end up
• 1:31:55
  talking for like 50 minutes. Yeah.
• 1:31:56
  You know, But I find those group studying sometimes.
• 1:31:59
  And we used to do a lot more during COVID and now I'm like,
• 1:32:02
  well, we need to do this more often, you know, because you
• 1:32:04
  don't have that one-on-one time sometimes, but a couple.
• 1:32:09
  And then my fifth one would be really with my husband because
• 1:32:14
  planning date nights and having them because we have to schedule
• 1:32:17
  it, make sure it's on the schedule because the amount of
• 1:32:20
  time, like sometimes just an hour and a half dinner with just
• 1:32:25
  us can sound like 2 weeks of conversation.
• 1:32:28
  Oh absolutely, 100% Yep. And again, I just go back to
• 1:32:33
  it's a. Season of life that we're in.
• 1:32:35
  So you do have to be intentional with it, otherwise you look back
• 1:32:37
  and like whoa. And so making sure it's that
• 1:32:40
  monthly, if not every other week.
• 1:32:42
  Yeah, yeah, those are important. Those are how you nourish me.
• 1:32:46
  Those are how you stay connected.
• 1:32:48
  That last one, I want to sit with that one for a minute
• 1:32:50
  because it's real easy when everybody's in the thick of it
• 1:32:54
  to lose track of each other and you all become really good
• 1:32:57
  managers of the family together. But if you don't make that
• 1:33:01
  intentional time, you lose touch with each other relationally.
• 1:33:05
  And so that's so important. So and getting it in your
• 1:33:08
  calendar, again, you prioritize and put in our calendar what we
• 1:33:12
  value and that includes date night and, and, and yes, we love
• 1:33:17
  the spontaneity and it's wonderful.
• 1:33:19
  You're not in a season of life where there's a lot of room for
• 1:33:21
  that. There's not and there's not,
• 1:33:27
  There's not. And so let's be real about that
• 1:33:29
  and meet ourselves where we are. I love that.
• 1:33:30
  All right, Doreen, how about you?
• 1:33:35
  Bella just actually to to follow on, you know, there is something
• 1:33:39
  you know, this past summer, my husband and I both got really
• 1:33:41
  bad diagnosis from our our siblings.
• 1:33:44
  So his sibling was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and so was
• 1:33:48
  my sister. So we had a really difficult
• 1:33:50
  summer tending to them. Now, luckily they were in the
• 1:33:53
  same city and we actually, but we actually went 40 days where
• 1:33:58
  we didn't know how much we had actually talked to each other
• 1:34:01
  because we were so like, we were there, we saw each other every
• 1:34:05
  morning, but he would go to bed late, I'd go to bed early, I'd
• 1:34:08
  get up early, he'd go to bed late.
• 1:34:09
  And we really, it was, and that's what it was.
• 1:34:11
  It was like a reset and had to have, you know, And so in the
• 1:34:14
  thick of everyone being sick, we had to take four days where we
• 1:34:17
  were like, no, we need to plan, we need to be together, we need
• 1:34:20
  to see each other, we need to chat.
• 1:34:21
  And so it can, because it could drain you.
• 1:34:24
  So you have to, you have to have those moments.
• 1:34:26
  So I really just anyone out there, put it on your calendar.
• 1:34:29
  It is imperative. So, but for my trees, I have to
• 1:34:32
  say trees. And you put me.
• 1:34:34
  Underneath a tree and I can look up and see the sky.
• 1:34:37
  I am happy it I honestly, I am the literal tree hugger.
• 1:34:41
  I will I would actually just sit in because that just gives me
• 1:34:44
  actual energy, you know, and and gardening.
• 1:34:47
  So that's the other one, gardening, being around flowers.
• 1:34:50
  Just really, you know, that just this nature itself just really
• 1:34:55
  can just take my soul to a whole other place.
• 1:34:58
  Family in any way, but specifically family hugs.
• 1:35:03
  I, I make sure that I get hugged, you know, by my daughter
• 1:35:06
  every day, by my husband every day.
• 1:35:08
  And you know, if I see family, if I've seen a friend, hugs make
• 1:35:12
  me happy. They just really, that's
• 1:35:13
  something that's a thing for me. The other one I would say would
• 1:35:17
  be learning with and from others, like having
• 1:35:20
  conversations with you today and learning about, you know, the
• 1:35:23
  things that the tips that you have to, how to, how to balance
• 1:35:26
  things or if you were in a session.
• 1:35:29
  And we, we, we learn with each other on something that there's
• 1:35:32
  just something about that that makes me so excited.
• 1:35:34
  That's why I say I'm the luckiest when it comes to the
• 1:35:38
  job because I get to be in these rooms where we're talking about
• 1:35:41
  things that are meaningful and then we can all learn from each
• 1:35:44
  other. And then the final thing is I
• 1:35:46
  was brought up in the East Coast.
• 1:35:48
  So hearing the ocean, I, I once in a while I have, if I go too
• 1:35:52
  long without hearing water and all it is, is just sitting
• 1:35:56
  still. Like, you know, I love what you
• 1:35:58
  said though. It just, it's just to be still
• 1:36:00
  and listen, there's nothing that could calm my soul, you know,
• 1:36:04
  And it's a, you know, even in those really dark times when,
• 1:36:08
  you know, I know that it's someone's just passed away or
• 1:36:11
  something. Someone's really, if you could
• 1:36:13
  just sit by the water. And for me, hearing that slap
• 1:36:17
  the water against the rocks, just something, it just
• 1:36:20
  regrounds my soul. So, yeah.
• 1:36:22
  So that that's kind of, you know, but I think at the heart
• 1:36:24
  of all of those things. And it goes back to finding what
• 1:36:28
  helps you, right? Because we're all so different,
• 1:36:31
  right? And, but, but if we don't take
• 1:36:33
  time to actually call them out and say, these are the things
• 1:36:37
  that are important to me, we can, we can, we can drift away
• 1:36:40
  from them. We can, we can maybe go too long
• 1:36:43
  without, you know, without them. And we start to we see ourselves
• 1:36:47
  being drained. We see ourselves not being at
• 1:36:50
  our optimal and we forget that, oh, wait a second.
• 1:36:52
  You know what? I haven't been in nature in 04
• 1:36:58
  months. Maybe that's what's wrong.
• 1:37:01
  You know, whatever that is. So if, but if we can really make
• 1:37:05
  the time and as calculated as it sounds, because sometimes I
• 1:37:08
  think people think, oh, if I put it in my schedule, it's too
• 1:37:10
  calculated. No, you know, because if you can
• 1:37:13
  have the time so that no one else is going to take that time
• 1:37:17
  and then be present in that moment.
• 1:37:19
  So yes, to someone it may seem calculated, but it's not.
• 1:37:22
  It's like set the time and you know, honor that time, right?
• 1:37:26
  Be intentional about it. That's the that's the word.
• 1:37:31
  I hear you on the ocean. I'm 100% with you.
• 1:37:34
  I grew up on the West Coast, but the ocean is like and the and
• 1:37:38
  mountain lakes like the slap of the like.
• 1:37:41
  I can just go sit on a beach somewhere and just everything
• 1:37:47
  washes away, like everything settles.
• 1:37:49
  My whole system settles. So I feel you on that.
• 1:37:52
  So 100%. I love those so much.
• 1:37:54
  All right, 5 words on how you want to feel the next six
• 1:37:58
  months. Doreen, go ahead.
• 1:38:00
  We'll start with you on that one.
• 1:38:04
  These are fabulous, by the way. I think everyone should do these
• 1:38:07
  for themselves because it really does help ground you.
• 1:38:11
  So with everything that's going on.
• 1:38:13
  So I'm in the, you know, stage of life where there's a lot of,
• 1:38:15
  you know, changes that will be coming along in the next
• 1:38:18
  probably 12 months. So I, I hope you feel
• 1:38:20
  courageous. I really do.
• 1:38:22
  I hope to be able to not let my fear get in the way of anything
• 1:38:25
  that I'm, I'm hoping and that I need to do.
• 1:38:28
  So that's courageous is definitely one for me.
• 1:38:31
  I want to feel love. I, I, you know, that's one of my
• 1:38:33
  priorities in life is to have myself surrounded by people that
• 1:38:37
  I love and that show me love and that I can show love to.
• 1:38:39
  So Love's really important excitement.
• 1:38:43
  I, I, you know, there's something about that excited
• 1:38:47
  kind of, you know, feeling that you can get.
• 1:38:49
  So I, I hope I do things in the next year that, that get me that
• 1:38:53
  feeling like that one that you want jump into your skin, right?
• 1:38:55
  So because I feel like if you're doing, if you're doing what you
• 1:38:58
  love and you're doing, taking those chances that you want to
• 1:39:01
  take that, that excitement is there, right?
• 1:39:03
  And which goes to the other word I had, and I know it may not be
• 1:39:07
  one that it's, I hope I feel nervous.
• 1:39:10
  And the reason for that one is because if I'm not stretching
• 1:39:14
  myself, I'm not going to be nervous, right?
• 1:39:17
  And so I really, I, I, I look to make sure that I'm nervous once
• 1:39:22
  in a while because if I'm not nervous, I'm complacent, right?
• 1:39:26
  And so I get that in there. And I really, this is one that I
• 1:39:31
  try and, and Janelle has been a beautiful example of it is, is
• 1:39:34
  that being present? There's, there's no one, if
• 1:39:36
  you're sitting in a one-on-one conversation with like Janelle,
• 1:39:39
  that can make you, you feel like you are the only thing in her
• 1:39:42
  world. And that's something that I
• 1:39:44
  always try to emulate. So I hope that this, that
• 1:39:47
  feeling of really being present in what I'm doing at one time, I
• 1:39:51
  I hope to, because I need to cultivate that one a little bit
• 1:39:55
  better. And so that's the, that would be
• 1:39:57
  the last one for me. So yeah.
• 1:39:59
  Well, I want to say I think it's those are really good.
• 1:40:03
  And I want to say that I think it's courageous that you want to
• 1:40:06
  feel nervous. So I think you've got to that
• 1:40:09
  kind of coexist. With each other, because I think
• 1:40:13
  you said something really important about we tend to
• 1:40:15
  attach nervous to, you know, this when it can be a really
• 1:40:21
  like, I'm kind of nervous. It's going to be kind of that
• 1:40:24
  nervous, excited energy, like what's going to happen with
• 1:40:26
  this? And I love that you're willing
• 1:40:28
  to challenge yourself, but I do think it's courageous that you
• 1:40:30
  want to be nervous. Janelle, how about you?
• 1:40:37
  Yeah, but I laugh because Dorian, I'm like, we had
• 1:40:39
  different words and some of the same meanings.
• 1:40:41
  So I love it as we go through this.
• 1:40:44
  The first one would be to be valued, you know, feeling that
• 1:40:48
  your value in in whatever ecosystem or social world you're
• 1:40:51
  sitting in. So you're valued, whether it's
• 1:40:53
  for your intellect, your emotional capability, just being
• 1:40:57
  valued and not just for yourself but by others as well.
• 1:41:01
  The second word I have is feeling of boldness, you know,
• 1:41:06
  and I think that I. Had bold and I had a challenge.
• 1:41:08
  So those are two some of the kind of the same thing as Doreen
• 1:41:10
  said, nervous. It's like I want to be
• 1:41:12
  challenged because whether that that means I'm learning, that
• 1:41:14
  means I'm growing, right? And so, but sometimes you have
• 1:41:18
  to be bold to do that, right? And sometimes it's having that
• 1:41:22
  taking that leap of faith in doing it.
• 1:41:24
  And so feeling that says a boldness like I can do that.
• 1:41:26
  Look in the mirror and I can, you know, speak up even if your
• 1:41:29
  voice shakes right. Be bold in that.
• 1:41:33
  Empowered, you know, I want to feel empowered is a big thing.
• 1:41:38
  And I know that's a big thing, you know, for your community is
• 1:41:42
  that. And it's not just me being
• 1:41:44
  empowered, but me empowering others and letting them know and
• 1:41:47
  holding up a mirror to them that they're empowered, you know, And
• 1:41:52
  so that's a big thing for me. And then my last one was feeling
• 1:41:56
  peaceful. You know, there's a lot of life
• 1:41:58
  decisions to be made, and I want to be at peace with what those
• 1:42:01
  might be made for now, again, for this season.
• 1:42:06
  And so how can I take ownership of that and be at peace with it?
• 1:42:09
  I love that so good. Well, we, I could talk to you
• 1:42:12
  all day, which obviously I'm displayed here.
• 1:42:15
  I just love what you all do. It's so much in alignment with
• 1:42:18
  what I'm passionate about and what I care about.
• 1:42:21
  And so I so I appreciate your time.
• 1:42:23
  Tell us real quick. First of all, Janelle, talk to
• 1:42:27
  us about Wells quest. And then Doreen, I want you to
• 1:42:30
  talk to us about where people can find the book and that way
• 1:42:33
  you guys can each kind of give your as your your shout out as
• 1:42:36
  we sign off today. Yes, so Wells Quest first and
• 1:42:42
  foremost, you know, we talked about empowering people and for
• 1:42:45
  work that matters most, you know, and what we live by, the
• 1:42:48
  values that we live by there are learn, lead and lift.
• 1:42:52
  So first we do have to learn, right?
• 1:42:54
  There might be a disconnect that exists, but how can we learn?
• 1:42:56
  How can we learn to do better? Then how do we not only just
• 1:43:00
  lead ourselves but lead others, right?
• 1:43:03
  And then the third component of that is lifting.
• 1:43:05
  Now we have this knowledge we we might be in this decision making
• 1:43:08
  role, how do we lift others up? How do we lift ourselves up?
• 1:43:12
  And so those are kind of the three pillars when we talk about
• 1:43:14
  Wells Quest. But specifically we have focused
• 1:43:16
  on mid level people leaders and that's because there's a lot of
• 1:43:20
  things out here in the world that really focus on new leaders
• 1:43:24
  and also executives. But man, who is powering
• 1:43:27
  everything? They're powering up, they're
• 1:43:28
  powering across, they're powering down.
• 1:43:31
  And so we really focus on mid level people leaders.
• 1:43:34
  You know, we've started, I love them.
• 1:43:36
  You're very much into communities.
• 1:43:37
  So we've started this middle power collective and it's to
• 1:43:41
  create a space that we can share best practices and across
• 1:43:45
  industries. And so we're piloting, it's only
• 1:43:47
  been in the first six months of piloting what this can look like
• 1:43:50
  and what this can be. But we've been doing it.
• 1:43:53
  We've learned now we can't just do it once a month, you know, so
• 1:43:55
  the community has asked for us to do this twice a month.
• 1:43:59
  So we've been doing it on the first Fridays, but we're looking
• 1:44:01
  to expand that. So we'll be sure to send that
• 1:44:03
  out to your community. But really focusing on this mid
• 1:44:06
  level people, leaders. And you can find
• 1:44:08
  us@wellsquest.com. There's a lot of information out
• 1:44:13
  there on that website. And yes, but please, we'd love,
• 1:44:17
  love for you to be a part of the community.
• 1:44:18
  Love for any of your community members.
• 1:44:20
  All right. Thank you so much for that.
• 1:44:22
  So good. All right, Doreen, tell us about
• 1:44:24
  the book. Where can people find it?
• 1:44:28
  Yes, absolutely. So again, if it's the easiest
• 1:44:30
  way to think of it is to go to wellsplus.com because we
• 1:44:33
  actually have, it's our invisible work.
• 1:44:35
  You'll see there's a tab there for it and you can go in, it's
• 1:44:38
  linked to be able to purchase it through Ingram Sparks there.
• 1:44:41
  But you can also find us on Amazon.
• 1:44:43
  If that's if you're a person who has Prime, maybe Amazon's your
• 1:44:46
  easier option for you. But yeah, it's our invisible
• 1:44:49
  work and it's a genetic Valwell's a dream of Cauley.
• 1:44:52
  And yeah, we would love for you to read it and, you know, maybe
• 1:44:55
  reach out to us and let us know what you think, right?
• 1:44:57
  Because one of those things that, you know, as as
• 1:45:00
  researchers, we're always looking to see, you know, what's
• 1:45:03
  what's next for us, right. And so to hear people's
• 1:45:05
  reactions, to hear their invisible work, allowing them to
• 1:45:08
  have the space to be able to share that, we would welcome
• 1:45:11
  anyone in the community to reach out to us directly and and to
• 1:45:15
  talk to us about that as well. So, So, yeah, so thank you.
• 1:45:18
  And I want to say, well, listen, thank you for having this space
• 1:45:21
  for us because this truly has been an amazing conversation.
• 1:45:25
  You are definitely great at bringing out the information
• 1:45:28
  from us and we want to thank you for that.
• 1:45:31
  You're very engaging to have a conversation with and it's
• 1:45:34
  important work. So thank you for that as well.
• 1:45:36
  I appreciate that. Thank you so much.
• 1:45:40
  One thing I know, as Dorian says, what's next?
• 1:45:42
  And it's interesting, throughout our conversation, you've said
• 1:45:44
  this about how to be appreciated and valued, you know, and so our
• 1:45:48
  next iteration of this is how do people want to be appreciated,
• 1:45:52
  right? Because you said this earlier,
• 1:45:54
  do do you want to thank you, right?
• 1:45:56
  Maybe it is a gift. Maybe it's just like
• 1:45:57
  acknowledgement of the work. And so taking this not only to
• 1:46:01
  recognize the invisible work, but now how do we show
• 1:46:03
  appreciation for that work that you've maybe been doing for
• 1:46:06
  decades and it's become an expectation.
• 1:46:09
  So we kind of have this appreciation project that's
• 1:46:11
  coming in and we're gathering some research on that.
• 1:46:14
  And so that's where we are soon to come.
• 1:46:17
  I love that. What a fantastic follow up.
• 1:46:19
  I was like, all right, let's recognize it, but then let's ask
• 1:46:23
  the important question, follow up within that.
• 1:46:27
  And because it's very individualized, so many times we
• 1:46:31
  make assumptions like, Oh my gosh, they've been doing this
• 1:46:34
  thing. I better send them flowers or I
• 1:46:36
  better send in some more helpers.
• 1:46:38
  Or. I better assign somebody else to
• 1:46:41
  do that or whatever it is. And it may be like, thanks, but
• 1:46:46
  you know, I really love doing this or I already have helpers
• 1:46:50
  that know how to do it and I don't want to train you.
• 1:46:51
  I mean, so just that curiosity piece of like, OK, that's great.
• 1:46:56
  You recognize it. Now let's go back and
• 1:46:58
  individualize it again and ask that really important follow up
• 1:47:03
  question. Oh, I love that.
• 1:47:04
  I love what you all do. I've already got your book on a
• 1:47:07
  list for next year with a group that I work with at Fresno State
• 1:47:11
  Gender and Leadership Group, which is primarily women
• 1:47:16
  students but also marginalized. Communities are welcome in and
• 1:47:20
  it's we really help empower them and give them tools as they go
• 1:47:24
  into workspaces dominated by men still.
• 1:47:27
  And we want them to go in confidently and we want them to
• 1:47:31
  go in empowered. And so we all, all of us,
• 1:47:34
  community members and advisors have taken turns presenting our
• 1:47:38
  work to them each month to give them a tool, but also
• 1:47:42
  individually having conversations with them so that
• 1:47:46
  they go out into the world feeling, not just prepared.
• 1:47:49
  See, you all know the classroom can only do so much.
• 1:47:52
  There's just, yeah, you know, there's just other real
• 1:47:56
  experiences. And so this whole community has
• 1:47:59
  come together to support these students.
• 1:48:01
  And I already told the coordinators of this to come out
• 1:48:05
  of the College of Business, but we're starting to bring in, I'm
• 1:48:07
  like, we're starting to bring in College of Engineering and the
• 1:48:11
  sciences because they're all very, you know, still very much
• 1:48:15
  male dominated species. But I'm like, I've got another
• 1:48:18
  guess. My book, it's great.
• 1:48:19
  I'm thanks. And because my book was a
• 1:48:21
  Christmas present to all of the OR holiday present.
• 1:48:24
  Sorry, holiday present to all of the this year's gal people, but
• 1:48:29
  I'm like, I've already got a book for next year and it's
• 1:48:32
  girl's book. Because these people, because
• 1:48:36
  it's so important for these students to realize and
• 1:48:38
  recognize these things as they go out into the world because so
• 1:48:43
  many of them have already been doing it in so many ways.
• 1:48:46
  We've got a ton of first Gen. students at Fresno State and
• 1:48:52
  come from a lot of diverse backgrounds.
• 1:48:55
  We're in a very farm rich area of the country.
• 1:48:58
  So a lot of a lot of these students are carrying a lot of
• 1:49:03
  that unrecognized invisible work with them as they're doing this.
• 1:49:09
  And so it's so yes. So all that to say, you're on
• 1:49:12
  the docket for next year. So more on that to come with you
• 1:49:15
  and I as we have conversations. But thank you for how you show
• 1:49:18
  up in the world. Thanks so much for all you do.
• 1:49:22
  And I hope ladies, that as you've listened today and that
• 1:49:25
  this has kind of invited you and think about those spaces and
• 1:49:29
  places where invisible work is showing up for you, where some
• 1:49:34
  communication might be necessary.
• 1:49:35
  But also look at spaces and places where you're asking
• 1:49:39
  others and without maybe even knowing it.
• 1:49:42
  And are there areas in your life, whether it's in your
• 1:49:45
  workplace, with your kids, with your partner, that that there
• 1:49:49
  could be conversations or a curiosity or an acknowledgement
• 1:49:54
  because it's happening all around us.
• 1:49:56
  So let's start having the conversations so it doesn't
• 1:49:58
  become a detriment to not only health but also to
• 1:50:02
  relationships. This can be a detriment to
• 1:50:04
  relationships if we're not having the conversations around
• 1:50:07
  this that are necessary that allowed to be out in the open
• 1:50:10
  and and talked about. So great opportunity to be
• 1:50:13
  curious about this week. That's my my challenge going out
• 1:50:16
  to our listeners today. Thanks so much again to both you
• 1:50:20
  for being with me. I always appreciate our
• 1:50:22
  conversations and and audience. We hope go back and listen
• 1:50:26
  again. There's a ton of notes to take.
• 1:50:28
  Follow what Doctor Wells and Doctor McCauley you're doing.
• 1:50:31
  It's really important, impactful work in the world and take good
• 1:50:36
  care of yourselves and have a great week.
• 1:50:43
  Hello, Melissa Crook here. Thank you so much for joining us
• 1:50:47
  on the field podcast today. Finding Empowerment.
• 1:50:50
  Embracing Layers. I hope you found today's
• 1:50:54
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• 1:50:58
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• 1:51:02
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• 1:51:06
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• 1:51:17
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• 1:51:20
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• 1:52:13
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