Latest / Recovering Out Loud / Why Relapse Happens & How to Prevent It — Science-Backed, Real Recovery Experience

Transcript

Why Relapse Happens & How to Prevent It — Science-Backed, Real Recovery Experience · Recovering Out Loud

0:00
Most people think relapse just happens.
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Not true. Relapse happens long before the
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1st drink happens in your brain. In tiny moments you don't even
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notice. All right, so today we're
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breaking down exactly how relapse happens, the science
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behind it, and tools to stop before it starts.
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Hey guys, my name is Anthony. I'm in recovery.
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Came into recovery in 2015. Struggled with substances
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including alcohol and stimulants.
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I've been to multiple rehabs. I relapsed after eight years
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sober. I am now in addictions
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counseling. I work at a rehab and I'm here
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today to tell you everything I've learned.
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I am definitely an expert in relapse, that's for sure.
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I've had a few of them. I've studied them.
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I've spent a long time analyzing what went wrong and now I'm
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going to bring it to you as well as a little bit of science
0:52
behind it. And then the stages of relapse
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I'm going to talk about. I'll also throw in a little bit
0:57
about my last relapse and how it happened.
1:01
And so that you don't have to, you can avoid this going forward
1:04
because I'll tell you right now, I don't recommend relapse to
1:07
anybody, but if it's going to get you into recovery faster, it
1:11
could be a good thing. And for me, it was a good thing,
1:13
because I did learn a lot about myself.
1:16
Most importantly that I I have lost my right to chemical Peace
1:20
of Mind. I cannot safely use outside
1:22
things to change my insides. And I'll do it all the time.
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I'll do it with gambling. I'll do it with relationships.
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I'll do it with food. I use outside things to change
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my insides. My goal today isn't to shame
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anybody. I'm going to explain relapse in
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a way that maybe it'll finally make sense for you, and then
1:38
maybe you can avoid it and save yourself the mental anguish and
1:43
your others around you, the pain of having to watch you go
1:47
through that again. I'm going to talk about how
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recovery is a process and not necessarily an event.
1:53
It doesn't just happen overnight.
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You know, these things have been brewing up for a while.
1:57
You emotionally relapse before you physically relapse, in my
2:00
experience, and that most people relapse not because they're
2:03
weak, but just they don't have the tools.
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I didn't have the tools to look for certain things before it
2:09
happened. And then also, it's one thing to
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have the tools to know what to look for before it happens.
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It's another thing to do something about it, right?
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To call someone and tell them you want to drink or to go to
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that meeting that you really don't want to go to 'cause
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you're ashamed you're feeling this way.
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So I'm gonna talk about the three phase model and starting
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with phase one, emotional relapse.
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Nobody really talks about this phase because it's not obvious
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and a lot of people don't know that they're there.
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Nothing really looks. Nothing really looks wrong from
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the outside. It's sort of like the duck,
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right? You, the duck swimming,
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everything looks good on the surface, but underneath you're
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paddling like a fucking madman. So the key point here is you're
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not physically using yet. You're not even thinking about
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using or drinking yet. That's the key point.
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It hasn't even crossed your mind, right?
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You're not saying most people relapse.
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In my experience, I relapsed when I wasn't thinking about
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relapsing. A lot of people also relapse
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when they think they're immune to relapse, right?
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And they're, I have some sober time now.
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I'm good, I'm cured, I'm fixed, I'm immune to relapse.
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Very dangerous place to be. Huge red flag if you catch
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yourself feeling or thinking like so.
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The important part here is your behaviors are creating the
3:15
conditions for the relapse. Some signs that you're in this
3:18
phase. Poor sleep, isolating, skipping
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meeting support groups, irritability, restlessness,
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bottling your emotions, right? Stuffing it down and saying I'm
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fine when really you need help. So emotional relapse is
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essentially disconnecting. You're disconnecting from your
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recovery behaviors, your recovery, your recovery tools,
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right? Those habits that you've built
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up up until this point, it could be slowly 1 by 1.
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You stop going to a meeting here and there, you stop calling
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somebody here and there. You stop talking about certain
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things you used to talk about with other people.
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And so the nervous system moves into fight, flight, freeze or
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fawn, which is a emotional response to stress and people
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look for relief. So an example of this stage for
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me was, you know, I was three months sober after relapsing.
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After 8 years, I came back in, went to a rehab in Utah, and I
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was three months sober. And I've talked about this
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before, but I was driving home from the cottage and I just felt
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emotionally distraught, right? I was just drained.
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I felt bored, I felt depressed, I felt alone.
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And I stopped doing the recovery things that I had done to bring
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me to that point. You know, I was living at a
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sober house and I didn't hang out with the guys at the sober
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house, right? I didn't stay close to my
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recovery community. I was more focused on other
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things. I remember even going to a Blink
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182 concert that night and I didn't drink that night, but I,
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it was the first time in a while that I actually craved a drink.
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I was thinking about beer. I was thinking about drinking.
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I was thinking about fixing my insides, right.
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I'm gonna, you know, I need some kind of relief.
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I was looking for relief and I I talked about it with people, but
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I didn't follow up with the action after and continue to do
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the recovery things after the so Phase 2.
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This is mental relapse. So first was emotional, now
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mental. We're talking about this is the
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sort of internal war, the battle that you have in your head.
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You know, the justification start to come out the all the
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reasons why, you know, I always say this, but I can write a book
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with thousand 1000 reasons why I should drink, 1000 reasons to
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drink and use drugs. I could write that book today.
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I can come up with the stupidest, most insignificant,
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but they make sense to me, you know, reasons to pick up a
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drinking drug. So like I said, you're thinking
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about using. You're thinking about the good
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times. You're glorifying it in your
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head. You're bargaining with yourself.
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Maybe I could just have one. Maybe I could get away with it
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here. No one would know.
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Maybe I could control it. Now.
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I'm feeling better. I'll come back to this recovery
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thing after. I'm just going to do some more
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experimenting. You're minimizing the
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consequences. You know, it wasn't that bad.
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Yeah, I got kicked out of my house.
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But you know that won't happen again because she was
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overreacting. Just absolute nonsense, right?
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Not truth. Your attic brain is planning to
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kill you. It's planning to take you out.
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And these are the steps that it takes to do so.
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This is also the point where maybe you're planning it, right?
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You have an upcoming party that you're looking forward to or a
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cottage weekend with the boys or a bachelor party.
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And you're like, yeah, that's I'm going to do it.
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No one's going to know. And I'm going to get away with
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it and I'm going to come back to recovery or I'm going to be OK.
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I'm not going to go on a Bender this time.
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This time will be different, right?
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Pure insanity. Doing the same thing, expecting
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different results. Insanity.
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So the cravings come from a multitude of places, but mainly
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stress, anxiety, fear, resentment, right?
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Anger towards yourself or other people, loneliness, certain
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people or places or music. Memories get triggered and like
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I said, you're remembering the good times only essentially
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emotional discomfort. And instead of picking up the
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recovery toolkit you've been given, you pick up the quick
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easy fix or you start to think about picking up the quick easy
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fix because it worked that one time and this time it's going to
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work just like that. You know, cocaine made solved my
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problems and made me happy and feel euphoric for three minutes
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that one time. It'll last longer this time.
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Insanity. And when you know when you're
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under stress too. The other thing to note is the
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emotional stress, the feelings, overwhelming feelings your
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dopamine levels are attracted to the shortcut, right?
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The easy quick fix, the Band-Aid solution, the line of coke, the
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drink, the pill, whatever your thing is, your brain remembers
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that that was a quick fix. And so scientifically, it's
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really hard to reverse and snap out of that, but you can, it is
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possible and I've done it. I do it often actually.
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You know, I still get thoughts today, almost 11 months clean
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and sober again. I still get memories of the good
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times of like having a lot of drugs on me and the feelings of
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freedom, illusory freedom, I call it that we had right this,
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this feeling of illusory freedom that drugs and alcohol gave us
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where I don't have to be an adult today.
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I miss that. When really it's we all know how
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it ends up. It's not fun, it's not ideal.
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The people around you hurt, you hurt.
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It leads to pure chaos and pain every single time.
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So when you find yourself arguing with yourself,
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justifying it, coming up with crazy irrational ideas to
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relapse or to use, that's when it's a red flag.
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Notice that talk about it. You can reverse that pattern.
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I do all the time, like I said, something that helps me a lot
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too is, is just laughing about it with other people, right?
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Or even on yourself, like, oh, I'm doing that thing again.
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My addict brain is back. He's doing that thing again.
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These these things work, right? Start to to label it for what it
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is. It's an emotion and that's it.
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It doesn't have to become an action or a behavior.
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All right, phase three, physical relapse.
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So this is the final stage. There's a lot of different ideas
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for different phases and some of them have, you know, 5 phases, 4
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phases. This is just a basic three phase
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framework that I like to deal with because it's simple and I
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like some. So this is the result, not the
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beginning. You've actually gone and picked
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up and done the drugs or alcohol.
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So at this point, you've already made the decision you've picked
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up and the earlier 3 phases have already weakened your ability to
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choose. You've you're kind of past the
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point of no return, right? Where no, I've made my decision,
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I'm going to do it and I don't care about the consequences.
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I'll sweep it under the rug, right?
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That was me for a long time. I used to do that all the time.
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I'll deal with this. This is tomorrow, Anthony's
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problem. Today I'm going to get good and
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high. Tomorrow Anthony will deal with
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it. So I think a lot of people blame
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this as the moment for relapse, right?
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Where they don't realize that it's already been brewing.
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The relapse had been brewing emotionally and mentally
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beforehand. So I want you to think about
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your relapses that you've had and sort of look back, journal
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about them, analyze them. Go through it with a friend.
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Don't do it alone. Where did your relapse start?
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Right? If you can honestly look back at
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it, where did it start? It wasn't at the first drink.
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So OK, what happened in the weeks, months before the 1st
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drink? Be honest with yourself.
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Maybe you can reverse it for next time.
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I find that we, we're patterned people, right?
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We, we tend to do the same things over and over again.
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So if I can recognize my pattern of why I need to use drugs and
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drink, then I can stop it before it happened.
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For me, a big one is fear, boredom, right?
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Like is this all my life is now? I talk about that a lot here is
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this all my life is now and I can't imagine living another day
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in this boring shithole of a life when sometimes I just need
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to push through and white knuckle through those moments to
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get through the other side. Because I'll tell you, every
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time I've done that, I felt 1000 times better.
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Whenever I've successfully battled a trigger, craving a
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thought with other people's help because I can't do it alone, as
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I always say, I've felt 1000 times better, bar none.
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Remember, relapse isn't 1 moment, it's 1000 small
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unchecked moments. All right, now I'm gonna talk
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about why relapse happened. So root causes.
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Maybe this will help you identify why you have relapsed
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in the past and how to avoid it. And again, there are a lot of
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reasons for a lot of us, but these are just the ones that I
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can come up with. So one is unmanaged stress.
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The brain seeks relief over logic a lot of the time, and
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alternatives to handling stress would be for me, it's
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meditation, grounding techniques, right?
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Sometimes using your five senses.
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So if I'm sitting down and I'm really spinning out, focus on
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what I can see, what I can hear, what I can touch, what I can
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smell. Focus on the senses and that'll
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ground you. Phoning a friend is a big one
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for me now. So calling someone and just
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saying, hey, how's it going? Asking them about their day.
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And then if you feel comfortable with that person saying, hey,
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I'm spinning out right now, what do you think about this?
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Right. Hey, can I bounce something off
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you? Hey, I'm feeling this way.
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What do you think? Going outside is another good
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one. Going to the gym, getting
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physical, moving your body in some sort of capacity.
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Get off the fucking couch. Reason 2, Isolation and
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disconnection. So the opposite of addiction is
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connection. That means addiction's best
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friend is isolation. Here's what being alone does to
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me at least. And I think to a lot of people,
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when I'm alone, I'm the only one checking my ideas, right?
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It's a dangerous place to be where I'm like, you know, I'm
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spinning out about the fear of the future.
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Or if I, you know, I'm not making enough money at this job
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and I shouldn't have left my old job to become a counsellor.
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And, you know, I made a mistake and the podcast isn't doing the
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way I want it to do. So now I'm stressed about that.
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I spin all these ideas in my head and they just become true,
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more true as I think about them. They're ruminating in my head.
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I'm not getting them out. They have all the power.
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They're renting the entirety of my head.
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Easy solution to this one. Sorry, simple solution to this
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one. Going to a meeting, any support
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group, talking to your therapist, online communities,
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going for coffee with a friend. Easy, quick little wins.
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Coffee with a friend is a favorite one of them.
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Reason 3. This one is so common in early
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recovery in the rehab that I work at, and I just actually
13:01
dealt with it today with the guy.
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Overconfidence. I'm doing good, I'm better now,
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I'm cured. Complacency is by far the
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highest risk of relapse, right? It wasn't that bad, guys.
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Don't worry, I've got this. Resting on our laurels, right?
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Just coasting and recovery. Dangerous, dangerous place to
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be. You do all this work to get
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sober and then slowly but surely you drop the tools 1 by 1.
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I don't need to go to that many meetings anymore.
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I don't need to do this. I don't need to do that.
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I don't need to talk about my thoughts.
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I'm better now. If addiction is a progressive
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disease, which it is, that means it's progressing as you get
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sober. So that means I'm my addiction
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is stronger than it was 11 years ago.
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That means to me, I need to do more work than I did 11 years
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ago. It might look different, right?
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Sure, I'm not going to five meetings a week, but I have to
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put in the work 24 hours a day. I do different things now 24
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hours a day, like talk to my higher power, calling people,
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going to my Home group every single especially when I don't
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want to. And trust me, I don't want to a
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lot of the So confidence is good.
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Complacency is lethal and deadly reason for emotional avoidance.
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Most relapse isn't about wanting the substance.
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It's not about the high. It's wanting the escape, the
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safety net of checking out quite.
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I always say this, but turning down the volume knob on your
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thoughts, That's what it did for me at least.
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Ted, tomorrow didn't matter. When I was high and drunk,
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nothing mattered. I crave that nothing matters.
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Feeling. So if we're constantly avoiding
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our emotions, mainly shame, anger is a big one.
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Resentment, self hatred, self pity.
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If we're constantly avoiding and stuffing down and not talking
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about it, not dealing with it, not facing it, not sitting with
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it, but sitting in it instead of sitting with it, right?
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Not analyzing it, not being honest about it, we're doomed.
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It's only a matter of time before your brain fills up and
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seeks that pressure release valve, right?
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That steam needs to blow off. And we know how to do that quick
15:15
and easy with drugs and alcohol, but it's never quick and easy,
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is it? It never ends up quick and easy
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because we're addicts, we're Alcoholics, or both.
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All right, how to stop relapse before it starts.
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I'm going to give you some tools here.
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OK, so tool 1, pattern recognition, start tracking the
15:33
early signs with, with journaling, phone apps,
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whatever. Track it, analyze your patterns.
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So sleep, isolation, irritability.
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Have I been isolating more this week?
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At the end of the day, think about it, write it down.
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What did I do right today? What do I need to improve on
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today? Am I more irritable?
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Am I lashing out at my loved ones?
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These are all signs. So there's the rule of three
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that we can also track here where you're writing down 3
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stressful events, three emotional triggers, and three
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days in a row without recovery action.
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If you can name your patterns, you can identify your patterns,
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you can interrupt them. Tool 2, immediate interrupt
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techniques. So this is in the moment.
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Stop it in its tracks. Call or text someone.
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That's a big one. And if they don't answer, call
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or text the next guy or girl. Go to a meeting.
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There's online ones. I did a whole podcast episode
16:23
about different types of recovery meetings.
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Pick one, change your environment immediately.
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Go outside, go to a coffee shop, get out of your head, move, use
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grounding techniques. The five senses that I talked
16:34
about. Also there's, you know, counting
16:36
down from 5, three deep breaths in and then three long breaths
16:41
out. Or breathing in for four
16:44
seconds, holding it for four seconds, breathing out for six
16:46
seconds. Urge surfing, so delaying the
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urge, riding the wave. Wait 10 or 15 minutes.
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Just wait it out. Do something else instead.
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This too shall pass. I promise you, it'll pass.
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Not in your time, but it will pass.
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Every craving does. There's usually a peak and then
17:03
a fall, much like a wave. 2O3 build a a relapse prevention
17:08
plan. OK, a lot of you that have been
17:10
to rehab have done this before. It's very simple, very
17:13
effective. Write down.
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Have a list of who you can call, what you can do, where you can
17:18
go. What thoughts are red flags for
17:21
you and what actions you need to commit to daily?
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Write this all down and follow it if this all sounds like a lot
17:26
too. You don't need to do all of this
17:28
in one sitting, and you're not. You haven't failed if you don't
17:31
do any of these, right? Start implementing one tool at a
17:33
time. Start implementing one thing at
17:35
a time. Start analyzing.
17:37
You know build small wins, right?
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You don't need to swallow this all whole in one day.
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You don't need to do this all. It doesn't happen overnight.
17:44
Recovery does not happen overnight.
17:45
It's built in small wins, small moments, getting through hard
17:49
things. Recovery is not built on
17:52
motivation, it's built on systems, repeated actions,
17:56
tools. And when in doubt, call another
17:59
alcoholic or addict will save the day.
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When you don't know what to do next, reach out your hand.
18:04
Ask someone that has more sober time than you how to get through
18:07
it. They will help you if they're in
18:09
a good place spiritually and in a good recovery, working a good
18:13
recovery program. And if you have a little more
18:15
time and you're a little bit more steady in your recovery, go
18:18
and help someone else. I'm telling you, service is the
18:21
greatest tool recovery has to offer I bar none.
18:25
Being of service to somebody else gets you out of your shit
18:28
and into their shit. When I'm sitting down next to
18:31
another guy who's struggling or in recovery, I'm not thinking
18:34
about my problems. I'm not thinking about myself.
18:37
I'm listening to them. I'm trying to help them.
18:39
I'm being of service. Try it, it works.
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Relapse can be a part of recovery, but it does not have
18:46
to be. When I first went into rehab at
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23, I stayed sober and clean for eight years without one slip 1
18:53
relapse. And then I did.
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I didn't think I was going to relapse.
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And as my therapist always says, relapse happens when you're not
19:00
thinking about relapse. So be honest with yourself.
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Analyze these things. Think about the tools I've given
19:05
you today. Start to look back on your past
19:08
relapses and and analyze them. You know, don't sit in it and
19:11
obsess over it. Don't beat yourself up about it.
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That's the other thing. You're of no use to yourself or
19:16
anyone if you're beating yourself up about relapsing.
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It's not failure. It can be a part of the process.
19:23
For me, relapsing after eight years, coming back in was the
19:26
hardest fucking thing I've ever done.
19:28
Admitting to my friends who have known me as the sober guy for
19:31
eight years that I I relapsed. I thought I lost it all.
19:34
You don't lose it all. You can jump back on the horse
19:37
any moments. That's the best part about
19:39
recovery is when I'm falling off the beam a little bit.
19:42
When I'm falling off the horse, I can get back on within
19:45
seconds. Falling off, in my experience,
19:48
takes a little bit more longer of the time, right?
19:50
But I can immediately jump back on the recovery in the recovery
19:53
saddle today, right now, one thing at a time.
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I've had many relapses in my life, three major ones.
20:00
I've learned something from every single one of them.
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Let your relapse be an enhancement to your recovery.
20:06
Let it be an opportunity for growth, not a failure.
20:09
Learn from it. Your plan maybe was.
20:13
Broken. Maybe your plan wasn't the right
20:16
plan for you. Revise that plan, rewrite the
20:19
story and push forward. Be of service.
20:23
Help others. You can get through this.
20:26
Push through the tough moments. Ask for help.
20:28
Do the next right thing. If you can't do the next right
20:31
thing, do the next thing right. OK guys, thanks so much for
20:35
being here today. I am so appreciative of all of
20:37
you. The holidays are coming.
20:38
It's a tough time. Send me a message if you want me
20:41
to talk about anything specific I will do so please, please,
20:44
please if you like the podcast, subscribe, follow rate the
20:49
podcast. That is the best payment I could
20:52
receive from you. It helps me, it helps my family.
20:55
I appreciate you, I love you, enjoy the holidays.
20:59
Pay it forward the gift that was freely given to you.
21:03
And just remember this, You don't have to drink or use drugs
21:08
today. You don't have to.
21:10
I know it feels sometimes like you do have to.
21:13
It does get easier. It does get better and then it
21:16
gets worse and then it gets better and then it gets worse.
21:18
But it is so fucking worth it. You are worth it.