Latest / Conversations with My Walls / On our unspoken shame, mirroring, & how 11:41pm changed my life

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On our unspoken shame, mirroring, & how 11:41pm changed my life · Conversations with My Walls

0:00
SPEAKER_00: I'm Morgan and this is Conversations with My Walls, episode 7.
0:05
SPEAKER_00: This is a double feature.
0:07
SPEAKER_00: Think of it as our Barbenheimer.
0:10
SPEAKER_00: The second half is the part that's taken me so long to find the words for,
0:15
SPEAKER_00: yet it's so important to share.
0:18
SPEAKER_00: But first, something lighter.
0:21
SPEAKER_00: This might sound like an ad, but it's not.
0:24
SPEAKER_00: The amount of times I say,
0:26
SPEAKER_00: can you believe another streamer raised their prices, should be studied.
0:31
SPEAKER_00: I've gotten to the point that I will only subscribe when there's a show I want
0:35
SPEAKER_00: to watch, because the number of subscriptions that sit dormant are no joke.
0:41
SPEAKER_00: There's one streamer though, that is actually good for the world whether you watch it or not.
0:46
SPEAKER_00: It's also the best streaming hack if you're an anglophile like me.
0:51
SPEAKER_00: Because there are only two modes I have, PBS or Bravo.
0:56
SPEAKER_00: I'm either binging all the Masterpiece Mysteries or the latest Housewives franchise.
1:02
SPEAKER_00: And for the former,
1:03
SPEAKER_00: PBS Passport is literally the cheapest streamer out there,
1:07
SPEAKER_00: and your subscription helps save public television, so it's a win-win.
1:12
SPEAKER_00: I was catching up there on Season 3 of the Marlowe Murder Club,
1:16
SPEAKER_00: and one scene between a character and her young daughter struck me.
1:21
SPEAKER_00: It was only a minute or so, but it conjured up a core memory.
1:26
SPEAKER_00: Do you remember being a kid and something happening at school
1:30
SPEAKER_00: and your mom could tell something's wrong but you were too ashamed to say what?
1:34
SPEAKER_00: A bad grade?
1:35
SPEAKER_00: A mistake you made?
1:37
SPEAKER_00: An embarrassing moment?
1:38
SPEAKER_00: Someone bullied you?
1:40
SPEAKER_00: Or simply, as Rick Rubin says, our spirits are crushed by institutions?
1:47
SPEAKER_00: The shame of the unspoken is huge.
1:51
SPEAKER_00: It's worse when we hurt someone or fear we'll disappoint another.
1:55
SPEAKER_00: Both are big feelings when you're a kid,
1:58
SPEAKER_00: but don't disappear in adulthood when the idea of getting
2:02
SPEAKER_00: in trouble looks very different.
2:04
SPEAKER_00: Instead of being at the mercy of our parents or guardians,
2:08
SPEAKER_00: it's our relationships,
2:09
SPEAKER_00: neighbors, work,
2:10
SPEAKER_00: and in extremes the law that we have to worry about this dynamic playing out in.
2:16
SPEAKER_00: But in the day to day, it's our relationships where shame hits hardest.
2:21
SPEAKER_00: Not just with others, but with ourselves too.
2:25
SPEAKER_00: Shame feels intrinsic to being called out.
2:29
SPEAKER_00: That's why I like to rephrase it as being called in.
2:33
SPEAKER_00: It's not finger pointing.
2:35
SPEAKER_00: It's connection fostered through introspection and vulnerability.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: Shame and feeling broken are synonymous.
2:44
SPEAKER_00: Because shame itself isn't just making a mistake,
2:47
SPEAKER_00: it's the belief that we are flawed, unworthy, or broken.
2:51
SPEAKER_00: It gets easily mistaken with guilt, but is much more deeply rooted than that.
2:58
SPEAKER_00: Guilt focuses on an action, shame targets your identity.
3:04
SPEAKER_00: Shame thrives in secrecy and isolation.
3:08
SPEAKER_00: It is so deeply connected to our fear of how people will see us.
3:14
SPEAKER_00: Will we be found out?
3:16
SPEAKER_00: If I let them in, will they see how broken I am?
3:19
SPEAKER_00: It's imposter syndrome on a whole other level.
3:23
SPEAKER_00: But being witnessed with kindness helps dissolve its power.
3:28
SPEAKER_00: The hard part is figuring out how to let someone get that close to co-regulate the shame.
3:35
SPEAKER_00: I think of it as being good at giving advice but total crap at taking it ourselves.
3:41
SPEAKER_00: It's so easy for me to give complete love and acceptance
3:44
SPEAKER_00: to someone no matter how much they struggle to accept it in themselves.
3:50
SPEAKER_00: Yet struggle to let that same person see me in my difficult moments.
3:55
SPEAKER_00: Especially living with chronic illness and Those days where I'm having a flare-up
4:01
SPEAKER_00: and everything hurts and I'm working from bed,
4:04
SPEAKER_00: I want to hide away and pretend it doesn't exist in their experience of me.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: I struggle to be kind to myself in those moments,
4:12
SPEAKER_00: so it's hard to imagine it coming from another.
4:15
SPEAKER_00: But sometimes we have to let someone prove us wrong,
4:19
SPEAKER_00: to be vulnerable enough,
4:21
SPEAKER_00: to say that the pain of isolating and keeping to ourselves is worse than
4:26
SPEAKER_00: the possible pain of being seen.
4:29
SPEAKER_00: We risk being misunderstood, which honestly is one of my personal fears.
4:36
SPEAKER_00: I keep telling myself though,
4:37
SPEAKER_00: if I'm going to be afraid of something,
4:40
SPEAKER_00: I'll let it be something that forces me out of my shell.
4:44
SPEAKER_00: Like my very real fear of dementia,
4:46
SPEAKER_00: which I'll be talking about more in the second part of the episode,
4:50
SPEAKER_00: and how socializing helps strengthen your brain and protect it from that.
4:55
SPEAKER_00: It's a motivating fear that I'll sign up for.
4:58
SPEAKER_00: The difficulty of the latter is much less scary when you think about what the lack of it can do.
5:06
SPEAKER_00: The truth of the matter is that we're never as consumed with someone else as they worry we are.
5:11
SPEAKER_00: Most of us are just walking around worried about ourselves.
5:15
SPEAKER_00: The metaphorical spotlight isn't on them.
5:18
SPEAKER_00: It's self-facing.
5:20
SPEAKER_00: That's why these things feel bigger in a cruel twist of irony.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: It's how mirroring comes into play.
5:28
SPEAKER_00: Mirroring and shame are part of our development.
5:31
SPEAKER_00: As babies,
5:32
SPEAKER_00: our first mirror is our parent or guardian,
5:35
SPEAKER_00: and when we don't get warmth mirrored back to us,
5:38
SPEAKER_00: it becomes traumatic and plants the seeds for shame.
5:42
SPEAKER_00: When we receive warmth, though, that builds our stability and empathy.
5:48
SPEAKER_00: But how mirroring extends in our adult lives can feel so disingenuous
5:53
SPEAKER_00: and manipulative, so much so that it's given a bad rap.
5:58
SPEAKER_00: In the viewpoints of self-development circles to ancient Toltec wisdom,
6:03
SPEAKER_00: we're all metaphorical mirrors to each other,
6:06
SPEAKER_00: but that's only one kind of mirroring we do.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: In relationships,
6:11
SPEAKER_00: this metaphorical kind covers everything from projection to how we talk
6:16
SPEAKER_00: to ourselves.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: We can give a lot of our power to another person when we think they are
6:22
SPEAKER_00: the one giving us the feelings,
6:24
SPEAKER_00: when the truth is,
6:25
SPEAKER_00: they're only a conduit,
6:27
SPEAKER_00: also known as a mirror, that allows you to unlock it within yourself.
6:33
SPEAKER_00: A way to shift this focus is to think of ourselves as being our own sugar babies,
6:39
SPEAKER_00: where instead of bestowing monetary gifts,
6:42
SPEAKER_00: we reward ourselves with what our inner baby needs,
6:46
SPEAKER_00: warmth, and our own emotional matching.
6:50
SPEAKER_00: No one else can ever have the intel we have to our emotions
6:54
SPEAKER_00: and that's why outsourcing it will never work.
6:58
SPEAKER_00: Even when we think we're getting it elsewhere, it all starts with and is sustained by you.
7:04
SPEAKER_00: The other kind of mirror is communicative rather than metaphorical,
7:09
SPEAKER_00: either intentionally or subconsciously,
7:13
SPEAKER_00: and it can come down to neurotype and intent.
7:17
SPEAKER_00: I look back at texts I've gotten and think, why are they saying my own words back to me?
7:22
SPEAKER_00: And then I look at my own replies in the same thread and realize I'm doing the same thing.
7:28
SPEAKER_00: It's something we've picked up on in socialization.
7:31
SPEAKER_00: I mean, even therapists do it to make another person feel heard.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: Mirroring is a form of showing someone they're being heard,
7:41
SPEAKER_00: and neurodivergent minds have learned to do this even more,
7:45
SPEAKER_00: speaking for myself,
7:47
SPEAKER_00: out of survival to make sure we're adapting to social expectations.
7:52
SPEAKER_00: Some call it masking, others adaptation.
7:56
SPEAKER_00: Either way, it's an act of care.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: What gives this form of mirroring a bad rap is the manipulators,
8:04
SPEAKER_00: who leverage the act to lure someone into a disingenuous trap of thinking they're
8:10
SPEAKER_00: in something reciprocal when they're really playing them.
8:13
SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like this is actually as common,
8:16
SPEAKER_00: but the problem is that we can think it is,
8:19
SPEAKER_00: and it makes our guards go up even higher.
8:23
SPEAKER_00: Shame swoops in,
8:24
SPEAKER_00: especially when we think we're undeserving already and assume
8:28
SPEAKER_00: that someone is duping us.
8:31
SPEAKER_00: It's your intuition and your gut that you should listen to regardless.
8:35
SPEAKER_00: So to get your overthinking thoughts out of the way, here's a technique.
8:40
SPEAKER_00: While shame can be born from a single traumatic experience,
8:45
SPEAKER_00: in the great scheme of life,
8:46
SPEAKER_00: we don't commonly wake up one day and suddenly experience shame.
8:51
SPEAKER_00: Now this isn't a BS or red flag detector.
9:20
SPEAKER_00: But rather a life skill for you to implement as well as witness if
9:24
SPEAKER_00: the other person is doing this too.
9:27
SPEAKER_00: Match plus one is a technique I learned in therapy when I saw a therapist
9:31
SPEAKER_00: who specialized in a modality called RODBT.
9:36
SPEAKER_00: The principle is that you match someone's level of disclosure
9:40
SPEAKER_00: and add one personal element to it to deepen the connection.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: Because it doesn't go very deep when someone asks, how are you?
9:48
SPEAKER_00: And you respond, okay, how are you?
9:51
SPEAKER_00: But when you apply match plus one, you can expand on okay.
9:56
SPEAKER_00: And based on your level of intimacy, deliver anything from, I've been better, how are you?
10:01
SPEAKER_00: To, I completely embarrassed myself at a meeting and cried in the bathroom,
10:05
SPEAKER_00: so I've been better, how are you?
10:08
SPEAKER_00: Its focus is to reveal information about yourself to form a connection,
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SPEAKER_00: not to milk information out of another.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: That's why witnessing if someone else is elevating to this level of disclosure helps.
10:22
SPEAKER_00: Even better, it's an approach that's not rooted in manipulating a conversation.
10:27
SPEAKER_00: This is how we can start to feel out how the people in our lives can be
10:32
SPEAKER_00: the safe ones to see our shame and co-regulate it.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: Personally,
10:36
SPEAKER_00: I don't open up to people who don't step up to this level,
10:40
SPEAKER_00: so if I've ever told you something personal in a one-on-one form of communication,
10:45
SPEAKER_00: congrats, you've made it past my wall.
10:49
SPEAKER_00: The best place to find offenders of emotional unavailability,
10:53
SPEAKER_00: aka the antithesis of Match Plus One, is on dating apps.
10:59
SPEAKER_00: While I'm off them forever,
11:01
SPEAKER_00: my last act was deactivating my account on the platform where I met my ex,
11:06
SPEAKER_00: and I'm now free.
11:08
SPEAKER_00: You might not be free though,
11:09
SPEAKER_00: and I hope this technique helps you scope out the great ones from the rest.
11:14
SPEAKER_00: I had technically found a great one in him, so it's not impossible.
11:19
SPEAKER_00: I'm proof.
11:20
SPEAKER_00: As a content warning, this next section ventures into abuse and the death of a parent.
11:27
SPEAKER_00: So please be gentle with yourself and decide what's best for you as we proceed.
11:34
SPEAKER_00: Back in 2021, emotional availability was the furthest thing from my mind.
11:40
SPEAKER_00: I was happily dealing with mid-men with wavering intents because dating apps offered
11:46
SPEAKER_00: a whole new landscape for connection.
11:48
SPEAKER_00: Hinge, specifically, helped me grieve my father's death.
11:53
SPEAKER_00: My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2016 and lived at home with me and my mom,
12:00
SPEAKER_00: his ex-wife, until his care needs increased in 2021.
12:05
SPEAKER_00: After my dad died that year,
12:07
SPEAKER_00: I was so terrified of phone notifications that I deconditioned myself
12:12
SPEAKER_00: by re-downloading Hinge.
12:14
SPEAKER_00: The thing about grief is that it makes you crave connection and solitude at the same time.
12:20
SPEAKER_00: But in my particular case, it made me want to find the good in people.
12:24
SPEAKER_00: Of all the places you wouldn't think I'd find it, I did.
12:29
SPEAKER_00: I was processing the aftermath of what had happened to my dad.
12:33
SPEAKER_00: Acts that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
12:36
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to dwell too much on the specifics.
12:39
SPEAKER_00: Last week,
12:40
SPEAKER_00: I accidentally pulled up an old email from the nursing home my dad died in and paid
12:45
SPEAKER_00: the price.
12:46
SPEAKER_00: The chronic illnesses that surfaced after his death flared and left me in pain for
12:51
SPEAKER_00: the greater part of the week.
12:54
SPEAKER_00: So instead, I'll focus on the most important parts.
12:57
SPEAKER_00: Because while this is far from self-sacrifice, the words of Spock still feel true.
13:04
SPEAKER_00: Trauma isn't something that disappears when the problem goes away.
13:12
SPEAKER_00: There's a level of tear that comes from a phone call when and even after you have
13:17
SPEAKER_00: a loved one in the hospital or a care facility.
13:21
SPEAKER_00: But while hospitals are a place for both life and death,
13:25
SPEAKER_00: nursing and other types of long-term care homes are centered around the latter.
13:31
SPEAKER_00: But what happens when they become a place that speeds death up or even causes it?
13:37
SPEAKER_00: It's a dire problem that's not given enough attention.
13:42
SPEAKER_00: I always thought my life would be like the mom in the beloved yet cringy WB series 7th Heaven.
13:48
SPEAKER_00: After her dad died, she had relief, joy even, in her grief.
13:53
SPEAKER_00: But it was the opposite for me.
13:56
SPEAKER_00: The only common denominator was a parent having dementia,
13:59
SPEAKER_00: but the rest,
14:01
SPEAKER_00: the things I witnessed, the fight I lost, it took any sense of relief for me.
14:07
SPEAKER_00: Because the world where the abuse that my dad experienced still exists,
14:12
SPEAKER_00: and for that reason alone, it took me a long time to trust people.
14:17
SPEAKER_00: That's how Hinge swooped in to help.
14:20
SPEAKER_00: Not only did the dopamine hit of match notifications help decondition the fear
14:25
SPEAKER_00: that I developed over a single peep coming from my phone,
14:29
SPEAKER_00: it also allowed me to see good in a population of cishet men not always
14:34
SPEAKER_00: an easy task.
14:36
SPEAKER_00: But they were also on their best behavior in the isolating days of lockdown lifting.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: I definitely don't think I would have experienced it on that scale today,
14:46
SPEAKER_00: timing being everything.
14:49
SPEAKER_00: My body broke down so much from the trauma that I couldn't work.
14:53
SPEAKER_00: I thought about setting up a GoFundMe to help me get by,
14:57
SPEAKER_00: but I struggled to ask for help and figured it would be worse to ask and be met with
15:02
SPEAKER_00: the same silence I got when I fought tirelessly to help protect my dad.
15:07
SPEAKER_00: The state services,
15:09
SPEAKER_00: from the ombudsperson to adult protective services failed him,
15:14
SPEAKER_00: as well as the countless lawyers I contacted with receipts and proof,
15:18
SPEAKER_00: only to have them say that it was too hard to fight and they wouldn't touch it.
15:24
SPEAKER_00: I couldn't relive being let down again.
15:27
SPEAKER_00: So I lived off my savings for years as measly as it was, replenishing funds here and there.
15:34
SPEAKER_00: I managed to keep scraping by as my health has finally improved to be able
15:39
SPEAKER_00: to launch my art store.
15:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm very aware that not every person has that luxury,
15:44
SPEAKER_00: and that's also another reason why I'm talking about it,
15:47
SPEAKER_00: because the families get left behind too.
15:51
SPEAKER_00: My therapist reminds me often that it wasn't just what the memory care facility,
15:56
SPEAKER_00: adult foster home,
15:58
SPEAKER_00: and nursing home collectively did to my dad because that part is what I always focus
16:04
SPEAKER_00: on, but it's also what they did to my mom and I as his family.
16:09
SPEAKER_00: Sadly, it wasn't an isolated incident.
16:12
SPEAKER_00: The World Health Organization says two in three nursing home staff members admit
16:18
SPEAKER_00: to abusing residents.
16:21
SPEAKER_00: According to the National Council on Aging,
16:24
SPEAKER_00: recent studies show that nearly half of those with dementia experience abuse
16:29
SPEAKER_00: or neglect.
16:31
SPEAKER_00: The Long-Term Care Community Coalition reports nearly 9 in 10 U.S.
16:37
SPEAKER_00: nursing homes fall short of expected nurse-to-resident staffing levels.
16:43
SPEAKER_00: Not too long ago,
16:44
SPEAKER_00: I signed up for notifications on a state job site when exploring returning
16:49
SPEAKER_00: to freelancing,
16:50
SPEAKER_00: It shines a light on the problem when their hiring trends appear to hunt not
16:55
SPEAKER_00: for skills,
16:55
SPEAKER_00: but desperation, led by their own desperation to fill shortages, and also,
17:14
SPEAKER_00: As a 2021 feature by Last Week Tonight with John Oliver pointed out,
17:19
SPEAKER_00: all while not affecting their profits.
17:22
SPEAKER_00: But there are darker trends than that.
17:24
SPEAKER_00: As the ill treatment of my dad and his fellow residents quickly came to light,
17:29
SPEAKER_00: we witnessed an onslaught of offenses and reported them,
17:33
SPEAKER_00: only to discover the regulatory systems have gaps that allow the facilities
17:38
SPEAKER_00: to protect themselves,
17:41
SPEAKER_00: not the residents,
17:43
SPEAKER_00: which leaves families with limited avenues for accountability or justice.
17:49
SPEAKER_00: The New York Times wrote about this in an investigation titled,
17:53
SPEAKER_00: How Nursing Homes' Worst Offenses Are Hidden from the Public.
17:58
SPEAKER_00: No one prepares you for being a caregiver for someone with dementia.
18:03
SPEAKER_00: Not the doctors who diagnosed my dad and sent us away with purple pamphlets branded
18:08
SPEAKER_00: the official color of Alzheimer's awareness,
18:11
SPEAKER_00: let alone having to fight to preserve their rights and safety.
18:16
SPEAKER_00: Before everything went wrong,
18:18
SPEAKER_00: a single act set the tone when the facility's empty promises
18:24
SPEAKER_00: of how they would handle my dad's social care fell apart
18:27
SPEAKER_00: and revealed how much individuality is stripped from residents
18:32
SPEAKER_00: when they wouldn't let him draw.
18:34
SPEAKER_00: When he lived at home, my dad,
18:37
SPEAKER_00: a former architect, created hundreds of drawings using his old drafting tools.
18:43
SPEAKER_00: It was inspiring to see his creative spirit and ability to draw continue
18:48
SPEAKER_00: as everything else he loved to do was taken away from him by the disease.
18:53
SPEAKER_00: Now his drawings are the best memory I have of what has been the most difficult time
18:59
SPEAKER_00: in my life so far.
19:02
SPEAKER_00: My mom, my best friend,
19:04
SPEAKER_00: who has been through this with me every step of the way,
19:07
SPEAKER_00: has told me many times over the years that my dad's art was a gift to me.
19:12
SPEAKER_00: I didn't hear her at first as the grief was too raw,
19:16
SPEAKER_00: but now I've grown through the loss to see it that way.
19:20
SPEAKER_00: It's a gift to me and others because I can tell his story
19:24
SPEAKER_00: through something beautiful and acknowledge that it's also become a lifeline
19:30
SPEAKER_00: to have something to present to the world when I'm unable to produce my own work
19:34
SPEAKER_00: during a health flare.
19:36
SPEAKER_00: So I've curated a collection of five of his drawings produced as fine art prints,
19:41
SPEAKER_00: titled The 1141 Collection,
19:43
SPEAKER_00: a significant time and beacon that it was designed for me to tell his story with
19:49
SPEAKER_00: the world.
19:50
SPEAKER_00: My dad passed away around 1141pm on October 21st, 2021.
19:56
SPEAKER_00: Unbeknownst to me,
19:58
SPEAKER_00: on that same night,
19:59
SPEAKER_00: as I began to write and process the fight to save him that I knew I had lost,
20:05
SPEAKER_00: The timestamp on the document matched his time of death.
20:09
SPEAKER_00: Yesterday,
20:10
SPEAKER_00: in honor of World Alzheimer's Day,
20:12
SPEAKER_00: these pieces launched on my website,
20:15
SPEAKER_00: along with the story of my dad's artistic journey and more information
20:19
SPEAKER_00: on how you can help support elder care advocacy to help ensure that what happened
20:25
SPEAKER_00: to my dad and countless others stops.
20:30
SPEAKER_00: His motto in life was Be Happy.
20:33
SPEAKER_00: So I know he'd want nothing less than regulations that protect the joy and dignity
20:39
SPEAKER_00: of the aging and dementia patient population who are out there vulnerable to abuse
20:45
SPEAKER_00: at these alarming rates.
20:47
SPEAKER_00: I owe it to them,
20:48
SPEAKER_00: in his memory,
20:49
SPEAKER_00: to speak up and I hope this inspires you to get curious about the facts,
20:55
SPEAKER_00: not turn away from the discomfort of it, and speak up in your own way.
21:02
SPEAKER_00: If you enjoyed this episode,
21:04
SPEAKER_00: please be sure to subscribe over on your favorite podcast platform and
21:09
SPEAKER_00: if you subscribe as a free subscriber on Substack,
21:13
SPEAKER_00: morganlindsaynelson.substack.com,
21:16
SPEAKER_00: you will get exclusive access to text posts of all of these episodes coming soon
21:21
SPEAKER_00: as well as exclusive discounts and other perks.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: And be sure to visit morganlindsaynelson.com To view the 1141 collection and
21:33
SPEAKER_00: the story behind it.
21:34
SPEAKER_00: And in the meantime, be sure to decorate your walls and thoughts with intention.