Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Sex In The Dark: Why Turning The Light On May Dim Your Sexual Potential

Transcript

Sex In The Dark: Why Turning The Light On May Dim Your Sexual Potential · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to season two of the doctor psych
• 0:09
  mom show. This is just what I've made up
• 0:13
  in my head as season 2. There is no discontinuity with
• 0:17
  season. One it is all the same sorts of
• 0:19
  topics, but I did 200 episodes in season one, so I figured why
• 0:24
  the hell not make it season two, because it's also the second
• 0:28
  half of the year. So, maybe every six months, I'll
• 0:30
  make it a new season or maybe I'll never make a new season
• 0:33
  again. We just never know.
• 0:35
  It's however the spirit moves me please do subscribe because I
• 0:41
  have awesome new episodes. The most recent one was why not
• 0:43
  to lie about your sexual past and relatedly?
• 0:47
  Why never to be with anybody with whom you would have to lie
• 0:50
  about your sexual past and then I have like my whole case, you
• 0:54
  know, a fake hypothetical about. I think I called them Jane and
• 0:58
  Johnny or something that they meet when they're young and she
• 1:00
  feels she has to like, has she slept with too many guys?
• 1:03
  Whatever it's a good ride. So subscribe, so that you can
• 1:07
  get that episode and so many more.
• 1:09
  So today, we are going to talk about why couples have a
• 1:16
  difference of opinion on having sex in the dark versus the
• 1:20
  light. And this is frequently.
• 1:21
  Something that men say, as a representative as a proxy
• 1:26
  variable for that, their wife is approved, is that although
• 1:31
  nobody says that word anymore because we're not in middle
• 1:33
  school, but you know, low libido.
• 1:35
  Whatever we say. And so they say, and it always
• 1:39
  has to be in the dark. Now, listen, like, there's a lot
• 1:42
  of reasons that have insects in the dark is actually great.
• 1:46
  That every single time also, you shouldn't always be having sex
• 1:49
  at the same time of day. So as I've repeatedly said many,
• 1:52
  women cannot have sex at night, their testosterones of the
• 1:55
  toilet. So, if you're having sex in the
• 1:57
  morning or in the afternoon, then the light is on by virtue
• 2:00
  of, you know, the celestial light of the Sun.
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  So, You know? I mean like you can just have
• 2:07
  regular like sex and whatever the ambient light is of the
• 2:12
  environment. So therefore if it's night time,
• 2:15
  it could be dark. Now, why do women especially
• 2:18
  highly sensitive women? Which many women are especially
• 2:22
  around sex, even if they're not highly sensitive in every regard
• 2:25
  there, they get sensitive over time.
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  As their libido goes down, they get more physiologically
• 2:30
  attuned. To, you know, anything that
• 2:33
  isn't perfect. So why do women like it better
• 2:37
  and the dark, okay? First, they just did a body
• 2:39
  image podcast. If it's dark, they don't have to
• 2:42
  worry about their stretch marks their cellulite, the
• 2:45
  vicissitudes of Aging childbirth, nursing, Etc.
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  I mean, that's like a fairly obvious one guys.
• 2:52
  Tend to think that the woman wants to light off.
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  Like if a guy has low self-esteem, if he's preoccupied
• 2:57
  attachment, he's gonna think she wants to light off because he's
• 3:00
  so ugly to her. That is like never it.
• 3:03
  I've never heard that. I've never I'm like, that's not
• 3:06
  real. Women are not very visual is the
• 3:09
  thing, and guys cannot picture that because they're not
• 3:12
  understanding how women operate they think that women operate as
• 3:15
  kind of a lower sex drive version of how they operate
• 3:18
  that's not accurate. Many women are not visual at
• 3:21
  all. And in fact, the overstimulation
• 3:23
  of having to look at either their body or the guys body
• 3:27
  during sex, it's overwhelming, they can't concentrate on on
• 3:30
  anything that's going on. Now, a lot of women also, I will
• 3:35
  close their eyes. And then if the guy doesn't like
• 3:37
  this either, then they're kind of fucked but not in a good way
• 3:40
  because they are like, it's like, it's like being under a
• 3:45
  microscope. Like, you feel like you're over
• 3:48
  stimulated, many of you have wives that give her tired at
• 3:51
  night. They're highly sensitive people.
• 3:53
  And they don't even really make eye contact with you after a
• 3:56
  certain time of night when they're tired.
• 3:57
  Correct? So this imagine, then, when
• 4:00
  you're asking for all this eye contact and like staring at each
• 4:03
  other during sex, it's going to turn her off like the proverbial
• 4:07
  light switch. So you really want to think
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  about it from within her head. She cannot relax if she's being
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  inspected and ask to make all this eye contact.
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  In fact, the other senses become heightened.
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  When you turn one sense off, that's why in the description I
• 4:27
  like to to a sex blindfold because you should be at least
• 4:31
  experimenting on both sides, both for you and For the woman
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  of what it would be. Like if there was none of this
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  and you could just relax and focus on the physical sensations
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  of Sex and the auditory and the olfactory and whatever but not
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  the looking at one another. And if the woman has a blindfold
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  on and you could look at her body, all you want, but she
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  doesn't feel the pressure of having to look back etcetera,
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  Etc. Now, this turning on the light
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  thing has become much more of a thing in recent.
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  Eight years and I personally believe that it's probably due
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  to porn because in pouring you see every detail of everything
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  because like that is what porn is its Visual and it's auditory
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  but it's predominantly Visual and so if the light was off in
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  pouring that we have pretty bad porn.
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  So then it guys take what they see in porn and then they think
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  there's all these women out there that love to have sex and
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  light. They don't usually they do it in
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  a honeymoon. Phase.
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  Again, their hormones are like hysterical and you know, like
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  they're totally different women than but then when the honeymoon
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  stage goes away they don't feel like doing it in the light
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  anymore because they never really liked it as much to begin
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  with. Now, a lot of men say that this
• 5:51
  means that a woman is like again like low libido or prude or
• 5:54
  whatever it is. It doesn't have to mean that
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  sometimes, of course, if she doesn't like sex in the light on
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  she doesn't like sex at night and she doesn't like sex in the
• 6:04
  morning and she doesn't like sex.
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  X in the afternoon. And you know, she never
• 6:07
  masturbates and she never has any fantasies.
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  Yes, sure. But you got more problems than
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  than just the light. There are many many women.
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  And again, refer back to my very original podcast.
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  Way back in season. One AKA January, my first
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  podcast about how to make your highly sensitive wife wants sex
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  a lot more. Not only do I talk about the
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  light but also let her leave her clothes on to start people.
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  Okay, porn everybody gets undressed really quick and Two
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  naked woman. Or it's a naked woman with some
• 6:36
  kind of accoutrement, you know, some sort of costume or
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  something. But in reality, the majority of
• 6:43
  women's most prized and longed for sexual experiences, their
• 6:49
  fantasies come from the time in their life, as I've discussed,
• 6:53
  pre intercourse, when there were long, make-out sessions and
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  guess what? Dark rooms are dark, parked cars
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  where there was a lot of touching clothes on was all for
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  play there. Wasn't all this emphasis on just
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  likes, playing you out and just the physicality of penis in
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  vagina intercourse, or for all of you guys were like, oh no,
• 7:14
  no. I like to go down on her in the
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  like to, you know, what I mean? Like, it's this sexual bent
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  instead of the sensual. So when you go to a massage,
• 7:24
  they don't put you in the, in the light, they make it very dim
• 7:27
  light and a lot of people would like it better.
• 7:30
  If it was in the dark. And if you go to yoga class, or
• 7:35
  Our class or spin class even were all of which are, you know,
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  predominantly women. It's also dark.
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  So, I mean, maybe women just like the fucking dark, I mean,
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  you know, you can't get too too much more proof than like all
• 7:48
  these women things are dark and women Roy's.
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  The ones that are like draping stuff over the lamp, and the
• 7:55
  curtains, and all of this shit because women are more sensitive
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  and their list visual. Like if you're in a spin class,
• 8:03
  there's like a mirror across the room and You see your own ass
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  like sweating at a huffing and puffing.
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  No one's coming back. So that class that's a woman
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  instead, it's nice and dark makes you feel like you're in
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  the club back 20 years ago, that's like what women like more
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  so is this every woman? No.
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  And it's kind of intellectually lazy to like, listen to every
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  podcast or read every posted, be like haha, but I know an
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  exception, you know, and I'm sure it really does it, do you
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  well, in your marital communication either?
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  So it goes without saying for now.
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  Forever after that. Nothing that I say applies to
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  one hundred percent of people that should be the very, very
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  obvious to anybody who's a thinking person.
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  So, what I'm trying to do is to tell you overall trends that I
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  see and to elucidate, you know, the the what the women are
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  thinking. So like you get to be behind the
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  curtain of The Wizard of Oz there.
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  So, instead of thinking, why is my wife?
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  So, you know, not fun and such a Buzzkill and like what does
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  everything always have to be in the dark?
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  Why don't you try instead to think about it as a sensory?
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  Heightening experience and to even bring out a blindfold and
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  be like, this is cool. Now, she doesn't know exactly
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  where I'm going to touch her women require a lot more edging
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  and teasing and slow for play than men realize and then women
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  advocate for, because the majority of women are too shy
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  and feel too awkward to say things like that and or they've
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  never actually been with a good Lover.
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  So they don't have any idea what they would want, but if you do
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  try something, whether it's in the dark, or whether it's with a
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  blindfold, then the woman doesn't know exactly when and
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  how you're going to touch her. And if you let her leave some of
• 9:48
  her clothes on to start that could be very erotic as well
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  which are trying to do is lessen the overwhelm of
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  overstimulation. It's very overstimulating to
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  just like tear off your clothes and jump into bed and start
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  fucking. That is not what Women usually
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  find erotic. There are very few fantasies
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  like that, unless they involve a man that they have never
• 10:11
  actually spoken to because of Aleutian airily.
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  He is a new mail and her body says just have sex with this new
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  man. In order to increase the genetic
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  diversity of our species. Preferably when you're
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  ovulating, but in all more drawn out, romantic, fantastic.
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  Sort of fantastic meaning fantasy, not awesome.
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  Sort of situations. There's a lot of long drawn-out,
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  Out lingering teasing and for play that really builds women up
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  and so when women have something over their body like their own
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  clothes or lingerie or a blanket or sheet that you're touching
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  them through that can be a lot more erotic and exciting.
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  Similarly, when it's dark and they can really kind of get into
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  what's happening because they're not expected to make the porn
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  star eye contact that you want. Then they can also really Get to
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  a different level of excitement. The whole thing for many women
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  is for erotic, excitement, to build so many men, don't do
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  this. So the same woman who, like
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  let's say. Like you're one of these three
• 11:19
  minute intercourse, people that I just had a podcast about why
• 11:22
  intercourse is fucking up your sex life.
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  If you have not subscribed, you will get that classic of our
• 11:28
  time, in addition to all the others, but in that one, I
• 11:31
  talked about how people have this like three-minute
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  intercourse or 10-minute Is a woman does not even get aroused
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  by the whole end of it. I don't care if she had an
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  orgasm and orgasm is a physiological thing.
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  It's like a sneeze, the orgasm that woman has after three
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  minutes of intercourse has much more in common with an
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  involuntary reflex, where her knee gets tapped by a hammer.
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  And then, she kicks to any sort of erotic, transformative,
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  sexual experience at all. It's really a, maybe an orgasm,
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  but it's not the kind of orgasm that you're going for now.
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  Broader scale many men are like, okay, fine, so that everything
• 12:09
  has to go her way above above like, oh why do I always have to
• 12:13
  get a massage, give them a massage but you know, blah,
• 12:15
  blah. Let me tell you something.
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  Every guy that I've ever met this complaining about giving a
• 12:20
  massage having sex in the dark, having sex under the blanket
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  having sex with a blindfold, they don't complain about that
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  which is so ironic because like literally the same thing as the
• 12:30
  dark for the woman but whatever, all the guys that are Thing
• 12:35
  about having these constructions, placed on them
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  are not with a woman who really enjoys sex.
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  So then of course they think that I'm stupid right there.
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  Like I'm going to do all that shit.
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  I'm gonna give a 40 minute massage.
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  I'm gonna you know, do all this erotic shit and then why she's
• 12:48
  still going to be silent? Barely.
• 12:51
  I'll barely know when she comes. You know.
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  And then she'll be done. No.
• 12:55
  No. That may not be how it goes that
• 12:58
  maybe her lack of her acting like a dead starfish maybe
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  because Because sex has never been good really, because it's
• 13:09
  never been good enough. It's never been what she wants.
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  She doesn't know how to tell you.
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  So therefore I'm speaking for, you know, the trees like The
• 13:16
  Lorax here, you know, it may be that she cannot tell you that
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  everything has been too overwhelming too crass to quote,
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  porny, but if you saw what she was capable of, if she was
• 13:31
  allowed to have a slow build up without the light, Camera Action
• 13:36
  type of shit. Then you would be with a woman
• 13:39
  who is having really good, orgasms and enjoying sex and
• 13:44
  asking for sex and want to get and wanting to touch.
• 13:48
  You, you know, this could be the sex that you dream of and it
• 13:52
  would be what in the dark, that's really that bad because
• 13:55
  let me tell you, if you were really having sex, that was two
• 13:59
  people really connecting and a long drawn-out sensual or erotic
• 14:05
  exploration of one another's bodies and you're complaining
• 14:08
  about the dark, then it would be as though a woman came to me and
• 14:13
  she said in her in my office, you know, the thing is is I
• 14:17
  wanted my husband to be more romantic.
• 14:18
  So what he did is he started to write me, poetry, he learned to
• 14:22
  play the guitar. And so he wrote me this
• 14:24
  wonderful romantic song. But the thing is, it was only
• 14:28
  two stanzas I myself would have like three stanzas.
• 14:31
  So, you know, I'm really, really disappointed.
• 14:34
  So I Be like, listen, stupid. This is not a way to go about
• 14:38
  enhancing your marriage by being so picky and selfish, right?
• 14:44
  So, this is same thing. So, I would say to any man who
• 14:48
  says, yeah, but you know, the amazing transcendental sex that
• 14:51
  we might have. If I just get out of this
• 14:54
  headspace, where everything has to kind of approximate porn, it
• 14:58
  might be amazing, and we might feel close and connected.
• 15:01
  And I might actually have a woman who initiate sex with me.
• 15:04
  Because she starts to like sex. Mmm, it's not good because the
• 15:08
  light's not on and you know what the afternoon or morning ideas,
• 15:10
  don't do it for me either. And I think that blindfolds too
• 15:13
  expensive 899. I'd be like listen stupid.
• 15:16
  You are deserving a sex life that you get because you are not
• 15:20
  getting outside your own. Selfish needs to think about
• 15:24
  what if I got outside the box of how I've previously trapped
• 15:28
  myself with my thinking, I could be having the sex life of my
• 15:31
  dreams, but it just would not have We Fingal component that I
• 15:37
  want, by the way, also, a lot more women would be giving blow
• 15:40
  jobs and all the other shit that you want under cover of
• 15:43
  Darkness. This is just a human thing.
• 15:46
  Like people do not like to especially try new things when
• 15:50
  they feel very exposed, you know.
• 15:52
  So it's, it's kind of, like, when you are on a date with your
• 15:56
  wife or with whoever else, and remember, back when you would
• 16:00
  date, and actually have fun. So, there were times when the
• 16:03
  woman got a little more drunk than you.
• 16:04
  Maybe frequently our could you were driving or what have you.
• 16:08
  So in my dating history, I constantly would observe that if
• 16:15
  you get more drunk than the guy frequently, the guy gets a lot
• 16:19
  more uninhibited. Then the inverse, if the guys
• 16:22
  weren't drunk then you you would think he would be so uninhibited
• 16:25
  in bed. He's not where the guy's sweet
• 16:28
  spot is usually for confidence and disinhibition is when he
• 16:32
  thinks that you are drunk, even when they think You're drunker
• 16:35
  than you are because then the it's kind of like what's my
• 16:40
  analogy going to be the fucking blindfold?
• 16:42
  It's like that. It's like she's like the
• 16:45
  drunk-ish woman. Is it really like looking at
• 16:48
  you? She's not judging you.
• 16:49
  She's looking at you but you see that it's you know she's kind of
• 16:53
  you know a little bit half there I'm not talking about a
• 16:56
  non-consent situation for anybody you know attacks me not
• 17:00
  a non-consent situation, the situation where you go for a
• 17:03
  date and the woman has a Glass and a half, two glasses of wine
• 17:06
  and you have zero. So, in this situation,
• 17:09
  frequently men will find themselves courageous enough to
• 17:12
  try new things in bed because it's kind of, like the woman
• 17:16
  isn't like exactly staring at them, judging them, thinking all
• 17:20
  these things that he thinks she's thinking potentially about
• 17:22
  his performance etcetera. It's like a softener, it's, he
• 17:26
  feels less exposed because he doesn't think she's recording as
• 17:30
  assiduously his potential fuck ups and her mind.
• 17:33
  So it's the same kind of For a woman, when she's trying new
• 17:37
  things, if it's dark, if you have a blindfold on even you
• 17:41
  know how many men would get a better, blow job, if they had a
• 17:44
  fucking blindfold on because then they're not staring at her
• 17:49
  and the staring makes many women self-conscious.
• 17:52
  So this isn't it mean that you can never look at your wife and
• 17:55
  the eyes or whatever? A I personally think that a good
• 17:59
  way for people who want to have sex analyte to end up having
• 18:03
  more sex and light is just to have sex By the light of
• 18:05
  whatever time it is that way, you have more variety in your
• 18:10
  sex life. Got the afternoon light, you got
• 18:12
  the morning light and then you got the dark at night.
• 18:14
  But even if you hate the idea of the sex in the dark, you may not
• 18:20
  hate the idea of the better sex that you will have of a woman
• 18:25
  that actually feels comfortable. Especially if you pair this with
• 18:29
  what I'm telling you the information about how women want
• 18:32
  more extended and erotic foreplay.
• 18:34
  A witch and they can, they can only do that and enjoy that if
• 18:39
  they feel relaxed and many of them only feel relaxed in the
• 18:42
  dark, or at least not with overhead light on so that they
• 18:47
  can see every fucking and Perfection and them and it
• 18:50
  doesn't matter how confident you are, you can do like seeing too
• 18:54
  much. You're seeing too much of the
• 18:56
  room. You're seeing too much of the
• 18:57
  man you're thinking about yourself.
• 18:59
  It's just too much and more women that are sensitive will
• 19:03
  understand exactly what I mean. Min and will want to send this
• 19:06
  to their partner and say, can't we frog in my throat?
• 19:12
  Can't we try this? Can't we try sex in the dark or
• 19:17
  sex in the half dark or whatever the case may be?
• 19:20
  And I cannot tell you this enough, if your wife was
• 19:24
  enjoying sex. Now if your wife never initiate
• 19:28
  sex, most of the time it's because she doesn't enjoy sex.
• 19:31
  Just think about it doesn't she go to the Refrigerator to get a
• 19:36
  snack when she's hungry. That's because she likes what
• 19:40
  she's going to get. If it was just filled with
• 19:42
  celery in there, she would not be going to the fridge.
• 19:44
  So it is possible. No matter what.
• 19:46
  Your ego is telling you that it is because the sex has not been
• 19:51
  transcendental, e, good that she has never initiated it.
• 19:55
  And if it was more of what she wants, which for many women is a
• 19:58
  more erotic long drawn-out, teasing activity where they're
• 20:03
  allowed to acclimate. Gradually to being touched and
• 20:06
  to being turned on with the clothes, starting with the dark
• 20:10
  with everything. And then at the end, by the way,
• 20:13
  you may be able to turn on the light if she wants.
• 20:15
  And certainly she's going to be naked by then because she's
• 20:19
  already excited which as I've said, so many times gives you a
• 20:23
  completely different woman. So the woman who gets under the
• 20:26
  blankets and in the dark with her t-shirt on at the beginning
• 20:30
  with enough sex and love for Play Rather and Men and all of
• 20:36
  that she met in 60 minutes later be completely out of the blanket
• 20:42
  asking you to have sex with her asking.
• 20:45
  For whatever it is that you think she would never ask for
• 20:47
  because she's finally turns on and relaxing off in four women
• 20:51
  that goes hand-in-hand, your parasympathetic system has to be
• 20:54
  activated in order for you to really enjoy sex.
• 20:57
  That's why massage is so fruitful in this regard.
• 21:01
  All right, so if you got any iota of new information, Even
• 21:05
  from this podcast, please do subscribe and then you will hear
• 21:08
  the one about why not to lie about your sexual past.
• 21:11
  And anything else that I think of, in this season two of the
• 21:14
  doctor psych mom show. Alright, guys.
• 21:17
  Have a good night day, whatever the hell time it is.
• 21:21
  All right. Bye-bye.