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When "No" Isn't Selfish: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for March 18, 2026 When no isn't selfish Setting boundaries
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  in your relationship Selfishness is a tricky thing.
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  Lori and I have had people complain about their spouse being selfish when what
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  we see is a person unwilling to be, essentially, a slave.
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  Good, reasonable boundaries are sometimes attacked as being selfish.
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  This is particularly true when someone who has been allowing too much tries
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  to become balanced and healthy.
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  In marriage, both spouses have needs and desires,
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  and often these are in conflict She needs to talk, and he is mentally exhausted
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  from a long day of difficult discussions at work It's been a week since they
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  had sex, and he legitimately needs to make love But she is touched out from
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  caring for a colicky baby,
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  and the idea of more touch makes her want to scream.
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  One thing that makes all this especially messy is that we don't value emotional
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  needs as we should We respect a broken leg or being sick We tend to dismiss
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  being emotionally exhausted,
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  sad, depressed, or feeling distant We wouldn't ask
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  a spouse with a broken leg to run a marathon Yet we
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  often expect an emotionally broken spouse to power through
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  When we devalue our spouse's emotional needs and issues We balance their and
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  our needs in a selfish way When we devalue our own emotional needs and issues
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  We either give when we should not Or feel selfish for not giving when in fact
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  we should hold back Fear of being selfish can be a horrible thing If someone
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  labeled you as selfish in the past,
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  that may linger in your mind Some folks use claims of selfishness as a bludgeon
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  to get what they want As in, any statement that starts with, if you really loved me.
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  If you have been abused in that way, you may not be able to accurately judge
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  yourself. Another cause of this problem can be wrong teachings about Christianity.
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  Yes, we are called to be less selfish than the world, but we are still supposed
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  to set limits and engage in self-care.
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  Loving our neighbor as ourself presupposes self-love and care.
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  There is a healthy form of self-interest, and self-preservation is important.
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  If you don't know what that looks like, you're in trouble. If you struggle with
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  this, you need someone you can trust to help you see clearly and find a good balance.
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  This is Paul reminding you that doing marriage well looks different for every couple.