Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 281. I grew up in this relationship and lost myself in it: Who am I without him?

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281. I grew up in this relationship and lost myself in it: Who am I without him? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened? Promise
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome to
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: our bestie segment. This is the place for you.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Hello, and welcome back to another Bestie episode. Hello, thanks
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: for being here.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: It's your new welcome. Absolutely.
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: If you are new here, this is our Bestie Advice segment.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: This is where you write in your anonymous submissions and
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: anything that you might be going through in your life
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: and in your world that you might not want to
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: share with the people around you. Sometimes if you want
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: some unsolicited, unhinged, and also sometimes quite sound advice, you're
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: more than welcome to come and bring it in here
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: because we always have a lot to say. And we
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: feel like sometimes we really need to lean on sisterhood.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: So Ashley, let us know what is our submission for today.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: Alrighty. So the title is I grew up in this
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: relationship and lost myself in it. Who am I without him? Hey,
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Ashley and Tiana, you are such an inspiration to me
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: and I've needed help for years, but I'd never found
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: the strength, courage, or anything in my inner self to
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: help myself. I've been in the relationship since I was 16.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: I'm now 27. I had my first baby at 18
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: and then my second at 22 to my partner. Throughout
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: my relationship, he has cheated, whether it's physically or verbally
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: through social media, constantly throughout our relationship. And he'll act
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: like he's not doing anything behind my back. Sometimes I'll
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: think that our relationship is going so well and then
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: I'll find something new on his phone that I wish
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: I never saw. I get angry with myself because I
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: never had the strength to confront him about any of
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: these situations. There've been times where if I've tried, he'll
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: shut me down. not want to talk, avoid me, get angry,
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: or turn it back into me like I'm the issue.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: I do everything in this house with this family. Cleaning, cooking, work, school,
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: after school activities, washing, put their favorite meal in front
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: of them, love, attention, organized dates, everything. I never get
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: time to myself or do anything for myself or go
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: out to see friends, nothing. He is allowed to do
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: whatever he wants. Go out, go to the gym, holidays
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: by himself, and it irritates me. I've recently just seen
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: something on my phone with a girl that I used
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: to work with and she goes to his gym and
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: I just don't know what to do. I need help.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: Girl.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: I don't think you're going to like this one. No,
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: I don't think you'll like our answers.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: Get out. But we know that you can handle hard
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: conversations and that you're not asking for advice for no reason.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: No.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: You need to leave, my love.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: I need to leave, absolutely.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: It's time to go. Yeah.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: There is no amount of weight, emotional weight that you
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: will carry like somebody who is constantly betraying you and
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: you are choosing to stay. let alone be a parent
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: and take care of everything and take care of everyone
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: outside of yourself, you are literally holding the weight of
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: literally being betrayed and then hoping that the relationship will
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: hold together. But it's making you more anxious.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: And more lost in the relationship.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: Which is what you said in the title. Yeah.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: I don't know how you didn't confront him. I don't
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: know how you, oh my God, I would be gropable.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: Our fire, there is absolutely no way. If Steve steals
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: my chocolate, I'm approaching that man, let alone being in
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: contact with another girl. Oh, no, no. I understand that
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: you're really scared and he turns it around and you've
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: got evidence of him not taking responsibility. He is showing
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: his character. He is showing what he values. He is
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: showing how he's going to continue to show up in
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: this relationship. It is your choice now to stay. And
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: you know how you said at the start, who am
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: I without him? I don't know, but how freaking exciting
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: you get to find out. Because right now you're anxious,
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: you're lost, you're alone, you feel abandoned, you feel rejected.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: You don't feel enough.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: You feel resentful. Is that who you want to be?
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: Absolutely not. What if you could be free and feel
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: confident and feel valued, feel appreciated? Not even without another partner.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: You're just giving that to yourself. Yeah. Listening to that,
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: being single sounds like an absolute fucking dream compared to
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: putting up with a man like that. Yeah.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: And everything you said around who am I without him,
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: that to me shows me that you've lost yourself in
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  Speaker 2: the relationship.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, she said she did.
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah. It's hard when you're in that headspace, we as women.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: I've done it before.
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  Speaker 1: I'm guilty of that.
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: Pedestal the man and then go, he is everything. I
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: would be lost without him. I don't know what I
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: would do without him. My life would be terrible without him.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: When in actual fact, like what you were choosing right
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: now and what you're experiencing is literally mental and emotional abuse.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: Like it's like full blown betrayal. Like there is no commitment.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: There is no foundation of a relationship. Like you are
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: quite literally, I know you might be scared of being single,
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: but you're kind of doing it already. If you're doing everything,
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: you've got the weight of the world. You've got the children,
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: you're doing the afterschool care. Like Everything is on your
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: shoulders and he's off going on holidays by himself and
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: leaving you with the weight of the responsibility of the
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: commitment you guys made to have children together.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: You're doing it already. Your life won't change that much
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: except you won't have another man child to take care of.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: I think it would be easier without him.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: And someone there making you feel anxious and feel not
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: good enough and feel like you're undesirable and that you're
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: not chosen because he has gone outside of the relationship
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: multiple times. And the fact that you are harboring it
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: and have not remorse. Oh, And have not been able
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: to even voice your experience in this and have a
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: conversation about it. I don't know how you're holding it.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: And it's still happening. This has happened to your whole relationship.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: And it's like, why would he leave? He gets his
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: cake and eats it too. This is one of those
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: moments for me where it's like, choose your hard. It
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: is hard. You can't tell me that what you're in
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: right now is not hard. You're lonely. Like I said,
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: you're isolated. You're rejected, abandoned. You're doing everything.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: You're working.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: You're probably paying for everything. You've got all this resentment.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: You feel anxious. You would not be showing up as
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: a parent you want to be. That's a fucking hard
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: life to live. It's a hard place emotionally to be.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: Leaving might be hard. Getting a new place, learning to
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: be a single parent, learning to be by yourself, getting
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: to know yourself. I know that can feel scary and
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: alone as well, but that hard seems much more appealing
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: to me. That's the hard I would choose. And I
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: know you're scared, but I also know that you can
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: do hard things. You're a hardworking mama. Look at what
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: you do. Look what you do day to day.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: You can do this. You've been through worse. Absolutely. You
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: can do this. And so many other women have been
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: through what you've been through. Yes.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: And you know what? With everything that you're holding right now,
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: the headspace that you're in right now is not because
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: you're scared of leaving him. It's because of the accumulation
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: of the betrayal and the deceit and like the sneakiness
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: and all of the things you're carrying, the anxiety around
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: feeling like your partner is not choosing you is laced
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: with why you don't want to leave. That is making
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: the weight of how you feel and the headspace that
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: you perceive this situation in so much worse because of
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: the betrayal, because of what you're holding, because of the
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: feeling of feeling like, who would you be without him
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: when you would actually be so much better without him?
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. Yeah.
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: And at the end of the day, I know that
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: this is quite an emotional experience, but when we look
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: at this logically, I want you to genuinely ask yourself,
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: what kind of values do you want your husband or
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: your partner to have?
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: This.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: The man who is going to literally be a role
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: model for your children and he's going to show them
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: and lead the way and that they're going to model
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: his behaviors and literally mimic and mirror everything that he does,
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: how he treats you, what he says, all of those
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: behaviors that he is now currently doing and his current values,
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: which is obviously lack of loyalty. Your children are going
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: to mirror that. So like if you were genuinely so
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: unbelievably radically honest with yourself about what you want, not
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: only for yourself, But for your children, what does that
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: look like?
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: Yep. And if you've got a friend in your life
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: or a sister or your mom or someone at work
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: or just another girl in your life that you care
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: about and they were telling you the story about their
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: partner going behind their back, cheating on them all the time,
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: be fully honest. Would you tell her to stay and
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: stick it out? Try again. Hope he doesn't do it.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: Don't look through his phone. What kind of advice would
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: you honestly woman to woman be giving her? You would
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: say get the fuck out of there.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: You deserve better. You and your children deserve better.
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. Unfortunately, the hard thing in life is that whatever
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: you allow, you accept. And whatever you accept, you teach
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: yourself that you are worthy of.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: It's a hard truth. It's really hard to hear that,
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: I think, for a lot of women. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. And it is the reality. And if we are
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: really accountable and like..
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: That's a responsibility part as well.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: It is.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: If we're accountable for our lives and our actions, it's
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: so easy to go, oh my gosh, why is he
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: doing this? Oh my gosh, why is he being this way?
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: But if we really look internally, we're going, why am
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: I allowing this to happen? Because I am allowing it in.
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: which means that I allow it to persist. I know
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: that that's hard because I've been there before. And I've
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: also been in a relationship where I wasn't ready to
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: leave because I was being treated in a way that
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: I didn't think that I was worthy of being treated,
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: but I stayed. And everyone learns in their own timeline.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: And I think that you will learn in your own
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: timeline as well. But it's these conversations that you have
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: got to start having with yourself for what you want
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: for your future. Because your life can look vastly different
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: in 12 months from now based on what you choose now.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: And yes, it will be.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: Fucking hard. Probably be one of the hardest things that
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: you have to do, but on the other side of
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: it will always be worth it than what you are
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: currently living right now.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: Also might not be that hard.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: Let's be real. It actually might be really, really great. Yeah.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: When my mom left my real father, she was like,
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: oh God, this is so much easier. Yeah. She said
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: it was like, she felt this massive relief. Once he
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: walked out that door, she was like, It's so much easier.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: I love that.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: It's common. It happens. It's so true.
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: Even when I left that relationship, my whole life got better.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. Your whole nervous system, your body, everything changed.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: My confidence, my wings came back. My spark for life
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: came back. My certainty in myself, like opportunities started coming in.
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: I just like started to be more of who I
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: actually am. And I know many other women who have
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: left situations like yours. who also have had the exact
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: same experience.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: Their life immediately got better the moment that they left.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: And it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt still sometimes. You
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: still have those moments.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: But your life and the quality of your life is better. Definitely.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: The fact that he's also not showing any remorse, taking
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: any responsibility, saying sorry, you guys aren't even having conversations
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: about it, I just feel like he's not going to change.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: He's going to continue to do what he's doing because
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: he's been able to.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: He obviously isn't committed to you. He's not choosing you
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: and you allow it.
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: I just think this is like the foundation of your
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: relationship now. I don't think you could come back from
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: that amount of betrayal.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: No.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: Very hard.
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: This is a genuine conversation that we would have with
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: each other.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, literally. Like. Probably be a little bit more forceful
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: than you i think get the fuck out girlfriend.
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: What are you doing leave right now yeah yeah and
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: it's the honesty it's the hard honest conversation that most
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: people aren't willing to have and this is why we
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: get enabled in our choices yeah because the people around
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: us in the moments where we need it the most
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: sometimes And not the right people who call us forward
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: in those moments.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: You wouldn't have reached out otherwise. You know this is true.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: You just may be looking for permission to actually make
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: a decision for yourself that is right for you and
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: your children.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: And you would give this advice to another woman. You'd
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: be saying very similar things to what we're saying to you.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: Get the fuck out of there. Yeah. You deserve better government.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: We want an update.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: You deserve so much better. Please send us a DM.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: Send us another submission.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: When you're out living your life. Getting your power back.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: Knowing your fucking worth.
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: Even if you need help writing it or saying it
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: or finding the words to say it or to even
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: bring up the conversation, send us another submission.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Literally.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: And we can help you do that.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: But honestly, this is the moment where you get to
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: decide that you are worth more and the moment that
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: you respect yourself is the moment that everyone around you
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: and everything around you will start to respect you too
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: because there is no other choice.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: Mic drop.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: We love you.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: Thank you. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: being open. Thank you for allowing us to be so
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: honest with you as well and just know that it's
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: always from a place of love. And like I keep saying,
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: you would say this to a girlfriend if she came
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: to you. Or if we were in this situation, what
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: would you be saying? Ashley, you would be telling me
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: to stay. You would be telling me to get the
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: fuck out of there. That's right. I'm not swearing. All right, guys.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us.
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: Bye. Bye.