Latest / Questionable Detour / Doing drive by shootings in an airplane, fighting old ladies, and helping the disabled

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Doing drive by shootings in an airplane, fighting old ladies, and helping the disabled · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're going to make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:25
  You look like a middle-aged man that just got fired from his job.
• 0:28
  It's the day after you got fired and you're just like, I'm just in gym shorts at a polo.
• 0:33
  He put on the polo because he knows that's what he's supposed to do.
• 0:36
  Yeah, he has no reason to have it on though.
• 0:39
  That's just a muscle memory at that point.
• 0:41
  He's going to drink a six pack and cry today.
• 0:43
  What does he have to do today?
• 0:45
  You look like a used car salesman.
• 0:47
  What car would you put Zach in today?
• 0:50
  Zach, let me tell you Zach's situation.
• 0:53
  I'm going to paint you a picture as he walks up.
• 0:56
  Zach's a father of four.
• 0:57
  He's going through a Rocky divorce.
• 1:00
  He's making it Rocky.
• 1:03
  It's completely my fault.
• 1:05
  It's all his fault.
• 1:06
  He's a forklift operator by day.
• 1:08
  By night he's a part-time security guard at Marshall's.
• 1:13
  What kind of ride are you putting him in?
• 1:15
  I've seen this one before.
• 1:17
  You've seen that before?
• 1:19
  It's a story told all too often.
• 1:22
  It sounds like Alan needs to come up with a better story.
• 1:24
  Here I was thinking I was tailoring this to you.
• 1:29
  Now in the used car industry, this is what we call a Tuesday.
• 1:34
  We got another divorcee.
• 1:35
  Another divorcee.
• 1:37
  Four, sometimes five kids.
• 1:38
  I had five.
• 1:39
  It's four now though.
• 1:40
  We didn't get to St. Jude fast enough.
• 1:42
  We're not going to dive into that.
• 1:44
  We had to stop for ice cream for the other four.
• 1:47
  St. Jude's not really an emergency situation.
• 1:51
  We had to stop and get a new car.
• 1:53
  We stopped here.
• 1:54
  He just passed.
• 1:56
  So he's still there.
• 1:56
  You need to carry him.
• 1:58
  All right.
• 1:58
  You're still with a body.
• 2:00
  For that kind of situation, divorcee, four kids, and a body.
• 2:04
  I'm going to have to say we got a nice Ford F-150 back there.
• 2:09
  Oh, see?
• 2:09
  Okay.
• 2:09
  I can do a Ford F-150.
• 2:11
  I appreciate that.
• 2:11
  Yeah.
• 2:12
  The doors, three different colors.
• 2:14
  Okay.
• 2:14
  Yeah.
• 2:15
  Okay.
• 2:16
  Still with you though.
• 2:17
  I can handle three different colors.
• 2:18
  A different color than the doors.
• 2:20
  Okay.
• 2:20
  Sure.
• 2:20
  You could have called that a fifth door, but it's fine.
• 2:22
  Yeah.
• 2:22
  And then there is a cover on the truck bed.
• 2:26
  Nice.
• 2:26
  You could throw-
• 2:26
  Those are expensive.
• 2:27
  Yeah.
• 2:27
  You could throw the body back there, but it is just a tarp.
• 2:29
  So your four will fit in and then the body will fit in the back and it'll be covered
• 2:33
  safe from the elements.
• 2:35
  But I'm not going to tie it down.
• 2:36
  I'm just going to bounce around.
• 2:37
  Yeah.
• 2:38
  You just tie it at the one, the two front parts and then it just flaps in the wind.
• 2:42
  Kind of like a cape.
• 2:44
  Yeah.
• 2:45
  Oh, you're talking about the covers though.
• 2:46
  Okay.
• 2:47
  Oh.
• 2:47
  I'm sorry.
• 2:48
  Yeah.
• 2:49
  Yeah.
• 2:51
  Literally bad boy.
• 2:52
  We'll roll around.
• 2:53
  Now I'm looking at the truck here.
• 2:55
  It has also has four different tires on it.
• 2:57
  Yeah.
• 2:57
  Different varying sizes.
• 2:59
  Yeah.
• 2:59
  So we call that the step up program.
• 3:03
  We start with a 13 inch rim.
• 3:06
  We move up to an 18 inch.
• 3:07
  Yeah.
• 3:07
  Then a 22 and then a 26.
• 3:09
  Just so you know what each one feels like.
• 3:12
  That way, whenever you can decide on a tire size that you think fits well for you and
• 3:17
  your F-150 and your four used to be five kids.
• 3:20
  I have to drive it first before I tell you.
• 3:23
  I can't just be like, I want the 22s.
• 3:25
  No, no, no, no.
• 3:26
  You got to drive it.
• 3:26
  You got to buy it with all four and then come back for the ones you have to buy the tires from you.
• 3:31
  Yeah.
• 3:32
  Well, they're already on the truck.
• 3:33
  It's a non-negotiable.
• 3:34
  Now you said this is an F-150, which the grill does indicate that is a Ford,
• 3:39
  but you go around back and it has a Chevy emblem on the tailgate.
• 3:42
  Now, is this for how much?
• 3:44
  I'm confused.
• 3:44
  So it's a Ford F-150 engine.
• 3:47
  It is a Chevy SS 10 body frame.
• 3:49
  Oh no.
• 3:51
  So it's kind of a Frankenstein's monster.
• 3:54
  A truck F-150 is not incorrect.
• 3:56
  You're fitting a dad and four kids and a body and an S 10.
• 4:01
  Yeah.
• 4:02
  I mean, I think you could do it.
• 4:03
  They're small kids.
• 4:05
  It's on how you stack them.
• 4:06
  I guess I just, you know, I know a good fit when I see it.
• 4:10
  Now, I don't know if you noticed my kids are very fat.
• 4:13
  We call this one meat stick.
• 4:14
  Say hi, meat stick.
• 4:15
  Well, I guess that brings us to the obvious followup question.
• 4:19
  What are the meat sticks siblings names?
• 4:23
  These obese lard butts of kids.
• 4:28
  This one is hand bone.
• 4:30
  Show them your, show them your love handles.
• 4:31
  Hand bone.
• 4:32
  Look at those front seat of an S 10.
• 4:35
  It'll lean one direct.
• 4:37
  I got two more.
• 4:40
  You have three more.
• 4:41
  He really keeps forgetting about that one.
• 4:44
  He's still here with us.
• 4:47
  He's not with us, but he's, he's with us.
• 4:49
  He's not with us.
• 4:51
  He's not cold yet.
• 4:52
  So if Zach leaves now, I think he could save him.
• 4:56
  He's really not in any hurry either.
• 4:58
  He's asking so many questions about the vehicle.
• 5:01
  The third one is McCankle.
• 5:04
  Very kind of a guy, one of the Irish spin on it.
• 5:06
  Did you name these kids before they were born or did you let them?
• 5:08
  It's one of the reasons I'm getting divorced.
• 5:10
  Okay.
• 5:11
  Yeah.
• 5:11
  No, we, you secretly legally change their names to ham, McCankle and meats.
• 5:15
  It meets the meat stick.
• 5:17
  That's three, right?
• 5:17
  I have one more.
• 5:18
  That's three.
• 5:18
  Well, it does have four.
• 5:20
  I have four plus one.
• 5:21
  That's five.
• 5:22
  The fifth one, we're going to go from here and buy the tombstone.
• 5:26
  But the fourth, I still have one more, right?
• 5:28
  I have one more that's here with us.
• 5:30
  Right.
• 5:30
  And his name is big Frank.
• 5:32
  Just call him big Frank.
• 5:33
  Big Frank sounds like he's got a real good handshake.
• 5:36
  Yeah, he does.
• 5:37
  Maybe a little sweaty though. He's a working man.
• 5:43
  But yeah, it's in big Frank.
• 5:45
  So it can very rotund group of children.
• 5:48
  They'll still fit in the truck you're trying to sell me.
• 5:50
  The suspension is going to be low.
• 5:52
  It's going to be, it's going to be right in the ground.
• 5:54
  It will unintentionally be a load rider, which is perfect for the S10.
• 5:58
  It's not the truck style of the classy folk.
• 6:00
  Yeah.
• 6:00
  Yeah.
• 6:01
  How many miles on the F-150 engine?
• 6:02
  Probably like 450,000, I think.
• 6:06
  Is the last time we checked.
• 6:07
  Okay.
• 6:07
  Those have been a while since you checked.
• 6:09
  Yeah.
• 6:09
  Yeah.
• 6:10
  Okay.
• 6:10
  I guess my final, my final question is how much you selling it for.
• 6:13
  Well, on today's market, these are hard to come by.
• 6:16
  Trucks hold their value too.
• 6:17
  They do.
• 6:18
  You've seen the value of an S10 lately.
• 6:20
  You've seen the value of an F-150.
• 6:22
  We just combined those two prices.
• 6:24
  And you have about six different trucks combined into this one truck.
• 6:28
  So it's probably pretty expensive.
• 6:30
  Yeah.
• 6:31
  We're selling it for at least 110,000.
• 6:32
  110,000.
• 6:33
  Yes.
• 6:34
  Don't look for a Carfax because I don't think, I don't think this one has one.
• 6:37
  Don't touch Kelly Blue Book either.
• 6:38
  The amount of vehicles that has been combined into this one vehicle.
• 6:41
  If I look for a Carfax, it might as well be a manual.
• 6:44
  Yeah.
• 6:44
  Why is it just so many pages?
• 6:46
  All right.
• 6:46
  Well, how much is interest?
• 6:48
  It's probably like 8% right now.
• 6:49
  Oh, okay.
• 6:50
  That's, that's pretty normal.
• 6:52
  It's pretty normal.
• 6:53
  Okay.
• 6:54
  At least there's some sanity within this.
• 6:56
  Yeah, I'm not a finance man.
• 6:57
  This double wide trailer in the middle of a parking lot that you call a car dealership.
• 7:02
  They run a tight ship.
• 7:03
  Well, I guess I'm going to buy it because I need, need to be able to carry my four kids and.
• 7:08
  Plenty of bed space.
• 7:09
  Yeah, for sure.
• 7:10
  I think meat stick is out there just eating hot chocolate powder.
• 7:13
  Yeah.
• 7:13
  Just kind of let them do that.
• 7:15
  Otherwise they'll start crying and if you don't know if you ever see the fat kid cry,
• 7:18
  it's hilarious.
• 7:19
  How do you take, how do you take a fat kid crying seriously?
• 7:22
  All right.
• 7:22
  Well, meat stick, big Frank, McCankles, the other one.
• 7:27
  I don't remember.
• 7:28
  It's hard to remember four names.
• 7:29
  All right.
• 7:29
  Y'all under, y'all understand.
• 7:30
  Imagine remembering five.
• 7:32
  Yeah.
• 7:32
  Well, thankfully I don't have to.
• 7:33
  We don't.
• 7:36
  I don't remember.
• 7:36
  I remember it's going to be fun trying to come up with the, uh, the name on the tombstone,
• 7:40
  but, uh, there you go.
• 7:43
  Thank you for selling me a car.
• 7:44
  Evan.
• 7:44
  That was, yeah, I can see why you're dressed the way you are.
• 7:47
  You're welcome.
• 7:47
  All right.
• 7:48
  Well, uh, let's get into something more serious.
• 7:50
  Let's do some hypotheticals.
• 7:52
  Let's do some hypotheticals.
• 7:54
  Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
• 7:58
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
• 8:02
  Well, that's a hypothetical question.
• 8:05
  All right.
• 8:05
  So our first hypothetical is what would you do as an airline pilot to give your passengers
• 8:12
  the best traveling experience?
• 8:15
  You're an airline pilot.
• 8:16
  Got a hearty mustache.
• 8:17
  I would party mustache up in the cockpit of a spirit airlines flight.
• 8:22
  God, with all those buttons.
• 8:23
  What are you doing?
• 8:24
  What are you doing to help them out?
• 8:25
  You know, airline travel can be nerve wracking for a lot of people.
• 8:27
  It can be.
• 8:28
  Especially flying.
• 8:29
  People are afraid of flying.
• 8:30
  And I bet with Evan at the helm, the yoke of that airplane, who needs to be nervous?
• 8:36
  Exactly.
• 8:37
  That's kind of the spirit I'm shooting for.
• 8:39
  Whenever I'm...
• 8:40
  You're shooting for spirits.
• 8:42
  Are you taking shots in the cockpit?
• 8:46
  Are you...
• 8:46
  That's tough.
• 8:47
  Do you believe your plane is haunted and you're just kind of taking some pop shots at them?
• 8:51
  No, no, no.
• 8:51
  My plane is not haunted.
• 8:53
  Of course, I demystify my plane before it goes down.
• 8:56
  I sanitize it with some burnt sage.
• 8:58
  Like any good pilot.
• 9:00
  Yeah.
• 9:00
  To make sure.
• 9:01
  In fact, probably American Airlines and Delta probably doesn't do that enough.
• 9:05
  I don't think they do.
• 9:06
  It seems like we get on those planes too fast.
• 9:08
  We don't do enough praying.
• 9:12
  Enough exorcisms before we hop on one of those.
• 9:15
  I think we all know a good exorcism lasts about two hours.
• 9:19
  We're not sitting at the gate that long, I don't think.
• 9:21
  A lot of people undercut it.
• 9:21
  Usually we're on the plane pretty quickly.
• 9:23
  If I know one thing, you don't rush an exorcism.
• 9:26
  No, no.
• 9:27
  Never once.
• 9:28
  If you do, you multiply the demons or something.
• 9:31
  Something like that.
• 9:32
  I'm not an expert, but...
• 9:34
  Anyway, my plane never has any spirits on it.
• 9:38
  No ghosts, no ghoul-y figures.
• 9:40
  That's good.
• 9:40
  That'll help me be less nervous when I fly.
• 9:42
  Exactly.
• 9:43
  So that's the first thing I do.
• 9:44
  Second thing, yes, I am still shooting from the cockpit.
• 9:49
  Of course.
• 9:49
  Sure.
• 9:50
  I open the little window, front right, that slides, you know.
• 9:53
  You're doing drive-bys?
• 9:57
  You're doing airplane drive-bys.
• 9:59
  And everyone knows clouds aren't a real thing.
• 10:01
  Clouds are ghostly figures that have come back to haunt and kind of loom over us.
• 10:06
  Yeah.
• 10:07
  Sky spirits.
• 10:07
  And figuratively.
• 10:08
  The sky spirits.
• 10:09
  Sky spirits.
• 10:10
  So anytime we get about 30,000 feet trying to get up to cruising altitude,
• 10:14
  you got to break through a cloud or two.
• 10:17
  Anytime the nose of my plane is kind of breaking the seal on a cloud,
• 10:22
  I open my window, I get out my little gatling gun.
• 10:25
  That has to be a dramatic, that has to be a very dramatic event of you opening a window
• 10:30
  at 30,000 feet in the air.
• 10:32
  The pressure shift.
• 10:33
  Oh my god.
• 10:33
  Man.
• 10:34
  And lots of papers flying around the cockpit.
• 10:36
  A lot of papers flying.
• 10:38
  Don't wear glasses.
• 10:39
  You've lost many a co-pilot through a window.
• 10:42
  Well, somebody has to work the gatling gun that is now pointed out the window.
• 10:47
  Sure.
• 10:47
  So that's not you though.
• 10:49
  No, no, of course I get my co-pilot.
• 10:50
  I'm busy flying the plane.
• 10:53
  I'm a pilot.
• 10:54
  It's a co-pilot's duty obviously.
• 10:57
  They put the gatling gun up to the window and they start firing into the clouds.
• 11:02
  Does it make a difference?
• 11:03
  I like to think so.
• 11:04
  There's no immediate result.
• 11:05
  We've never not made it through the cloud.
• 11:07
  One battle at a time.
• 11:08
  One battle at a time.
• 11:09
  And I mean, you've always said that clouds are probably sky spirits.
• 11:12
  Every morning you wake up, you know, I look at there's a...
• 11:15
  I take a pop shot into the sky.
• 11:16
  Lots of cloud spirits a day.
• 11:18
  You became a pilot in an effort only to fight the good fight.
• 11:22
  Yeah, fight the fight against the sky spirits.
• 11:25
  And like you said, it's one battle at a time.
• 11:27
  The great war still raging.
• 11:30
  What do your passengers usually think as pressure drops in the cabin and all of a sudden they just...
• 11:37
  Minigun starts firing.
• 11:38
  Yeah, do they hold the same viewpoint as you that these clouds are such a nuisance?
• 11:42
  I like to think so.
• 11:43
  I give them a heads up right before I come on in.
• 11:45
  Yeah, what do you say?
• 11:45
  I say, oh, how we doing, folks?
• 11:48
  This is your pilot speaking.
• 11:50
  Trying to take them out to dinner?
• 11:53
  Yeah, why are you so sultry?
• 11:55
  I'm trying to comfort them, you know?
• 11:56
  Oh, okay.
• 11:56
  I want them to be enveloped by my voice.
• 11:59
  Oh, yeah.
• 12:02
  All right, folks, we got a sky spirit coming up on our left.
• 12:06
  We're reaching our cruising altitude here, but first we're going to take a couple pop shots of these
• 12:10
  clouds just to try to wean them out, you know?
• 12:13
  And by pop shot, you mean about 3,000 rounds per minute.
• 12:17
  3,000 rounds per minute from an 1886 Gatling gun that is hand cranked by my co-pilot.
• 12:24
  Oh, it's like a Civil War Gatling gun.
• 12:26
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 12:27
  And no one be alarmed.
• 12:28
  You may feel a slight shift in pressure within the cabin, but this is normal for when we open
• 12:34
  a window and start firing rounds out.
• 12:36
  Do not be alarmed.
• 12:37
  You will hear gunfire and we may not make it out alive, but that's okay.
• 12:40
  We're going to make it through these clouds, these sky spirits, so no one be alarmed.
• 12:46
  That means I'm relaxed.
• 12:47
  I would be so relaxed.
• 12:48
  I had to go right back to reading my Kindle after that.
• 12:52
  And then you feel that slight shift in air pressure.
• 12:54
  Yeah, I get it.
• 12:56
  Barely noticeable.
• 12:57
  Hard time breathing.
• 12:58
  Yeah, yeah.
• 12:59
  The mask.
• 13:00
  You just put on the mask.
• 13:01
  Yeah, exactly.
• 13:02
  I mean, we try to make it as comfortable as possible.
• 13:05
  Sky spirits, I don't know the consistency of them normally, but generally speaking,
• 13:09
  they're just kind of water vapor scientifically, despite what Evan says.
• 13:12
  Where do the bullets go?
• 13:14
  Have you ever heard of news articles or news events of just raining bullets on small towns
• 13:20
  as you're firing that gatlet gun?
• 13:22
  I've never looked into it.
• 13:23
  I always just assume they get stuck into the cloud like a normal bullet.
• 13:26
  You don't subscribe to a lot of small town newspapers?
• 13:29
  Try not to.
• 13:30
  That makes sense.
• 13:30
  Some Smith town Oklahoma that has just looks like Swiss cheese because of you.
• 13:35
  Yeah, yeah.
• 13:36
  There's going to be casualties in war.
• 13:38
  Yep.
• 13:38
  I'm prepared for that.
• 13:40
  Are you?
• 13:40
  Seems like it's a one sided war.
• 13:42
  If a cloud that you're flying into kind of moves out of the way of your plane,
• 13:46
  do you call that cumulonimbus?
• 13:49
  So stupid.
• 13:50
  That's so stupid.
• 13:52
  Yeah, yeah, we do.
• 13:57
  We kind of inch up towards these cumulonimbus clouds and they see us coming and they start,
• 14:02
  you know, shifting off to the left or right.
• 14:04
  And then we're like, oh, that boy is cumulonimbus.
• 14:07
  Cool.
• 14:08
  He may be puffy, but he is fast.
• 14:10
  When you see those clouds and you're approaching them and you roll down that window,
• 14:14
  do you ever crank up the song Spirit in the Sky?
• 14:16
  Just while you're getting the gun ready.
• 14:19
  Yeah, that's anytime we go to unload on a cloud,
• 14:23
  then obviously we start cranking Spirit in the Sky throughout the cabin.
• 14:27
  Yeah, throughout the cabin.
• 14:28
  Obviously you're not dead, so your planes make it safely to where they're going.
• 14:32
  So success, I would say.
• 14:33
  Huzzah.
• 14:34
  All right, there you go.
• 14:35
  If anybody wants to fly with Evan, you work for Spirit Airlines, ironically.
• 14:39
  I work for Malaysia 370.
• 14:42
  Oh, wow.
• 14:43
  It explains a lot.
• 14:45
  Malaysia Airlines.
• 14:47
  All right, Alan, if anybody's going to be a pilot in this room, it's going to be Alan.
• 14:50
  Yeah, it is.
• 14:51
  I started piloting hot air balloons at the ripe old age of nine.
• 14:56
  Oh, yeah.
• 14:57
  It's really, it started my love for aviation.
• 15:00
  So what I do is before I ever fly my plane, I kind of like to think of a plane as just a big bird.
• 15:07
  Sure.
• 15:08
  So what I do is I build nests, really big nests.
• 15:11
  Like bird nests.
• 15:12
  Like bird nests, yeah.
• 15:14
  OK.
• 15:14
  So when I get up in the plane, we're reaching about 30,000 feet.
• 15:17
  I have on my map here, hand drawn, scribbled where my nest approximately is.
• 15:24
  You don't put coordinates into a GPS.
• 15:26
  It's just kind of a rough script.
• 15:27
  What's a coordinate?
• 15:30
  It's not Mr. Class.
• 15:31
  You sound like a good pilot.
• 15:32
  So yeah, I like I kind of just guesstimate for approximately where that nest is.
• 15:36
  And I just take an immediate nose dive down.
• 15:39
  My goal is to eventually land one of these metal birds into one of my nests.
• 15:44
  That's awesome.
• 15:45
  Yeah.
• 15:45
  So it hasn't happened yet.
• 15:46
  It has not happened yet.
• 15:48
  It'd be nice to get close.
• 15:50
  Generally, when you don't exactly know where the nest is, you're sort of flying blind.
• 15:54
  And that is also because I wrap a mask around my head and fly blind.
• 16:00
  Like a Jedi.
• 16:01
  Yeah.
• 16:02
  You want to be able to feel where those nests are.
• 16:03
  Well, it's kind of like how you sleep with the blindfold on.
• 16:08
  That's right.
• 16:09
  So I mean.
• 16:09
  It's because you're asleep?
• 16:10
  Yeah, you try to kind of knock out.
• 16:11
  You take a little nap.
• 16:12
  It would be too easy, I think, to land that plane awake with my eyes open.
• 16:17
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 16:18
  So what I do is I like to add a little bit of challenge.
• 16:20
  A challenge in there, some difficulties.
• 16:22
  Yeah, no vision, no consciousness, really.
• 16:24
  I mean, I'm asleep, essentially.
• 16:26
  So yeah, I mean, I could land the plane in that makeshift nest all day.
• 16:30
  So easy.
• 16:31
  When I'm awake and my eyes are open.
• 16:32
  That's child's play, really.
• 16:34
  But now how does this make it better for your passengers?
• 16:40
  Well, I don't like to think that it makes it better for them.
• 16:42
  OK, that's good.
• 16:43
  Because to be honest with you, I don't care what they think.
• 16:47
  When I'm in the air, it's just me and my eyes.
• 16:50
  It's just me and that metal bird and my co-pilot.
• 16:55
  I'm starting to think you don't actually believe planes are real.
• 16:58
  And you legitimately think you are piling a giant metal bird.
• 17:00
  A weird person to become a commercial pilot.
• 17:02
  Yeah.
• 17:05
  Yeah, it's very tough.
• 17:06
  I've actually never flown a plane before.
• 17:09
  OK, just metal birds.
• 17:10
  Just metal birds.
• 17:11
  Right.
• 17:12
  Yeah.
• 17:12
  So what are the people?
• 17:14
  What do you think the people are in this metal bird?
• 17:16
  Like, are these going to be like your baby chicks once you land in the nest?
• 17:18
  Yeah, so it was beautiful.
• 17:20
  Yeah.
• 17:21
  Procreation.
• 17:22
  You're going to feed them from your mouth?
• 17:24
  Oh, God.
• 17:24
  So when we land in this nest, I'm almost positive that we will.
• 17:29
  The plan for when you do.
• 17:31
  The plan.
• 17:32
  Yeah.
• 17:32
  I'm sure it'll happen eventually one day.
• 17:35
  And then the passengers, I'll begin to care about them then.
• 17:39
  OK.
• 17:40
  They'll be like little chicks in a nest and I'll raise them.
• 17:44
  I'll feed them from our airplane minibar.
• 17:48
  After it's been ingested by you and then thrown out.
• 17:51
  So I'll take a lot of airplane bottles and peanuts and pretzels and just mix that all
• 17:55
  together and just gargle it around in my mouth.
• 17:59
  And then I go, you know, dinner time.
• 18:03
  So they all sort of line up in a single file line in the nest and just come over and serve them.
• 18:11
  So really, it's benefiting your passengers because you're giving them a father figure
• 18:16
  and somebody to take care of them.
• 18:17
  Yeah.
• 18:18
  In a giant nest.
• 18:19
  People who fly frontier airlines, they don't feel good about themselves.
• 18:24
  They need somebody to take care of them.
• 18:26
  If they cared about themselves at all, they'd fly a better airline.
• 18:29
  I take people who are already pretty weak and I give them that father figure.
• 18:33
  What do you normally say over the intercom?
• 18:36
  Hypothetical.
• 18:37
  Hypothetical.
• 18:38
  I realize birds don't have intercoms, but you have to talk to your passengers.
• 18:42
  What do you normally say to them before the dive?
• 18:45
  The nervous system.
• 18:46
  Yeah, I say, uh, good morning passengers.
• 18:52
  This is your captain speaking.
• 18:54
  We're reaching a 30,000 feet altitude and we will be taking a sharp turn downwards.
• 19:01
  Hope you guys are ready for dinner.
• 19:03
  We're going to have a lot of mixed up pretzels and nuts.
• 19:07
  Looks like I think I saw them stocking the mini bar up.
• 19:10
  Looks like they've got vodka and coke.
• 19:12
  So if you've been wondering how that all tastes at the same time being digested and then brought back up through someone's mouth, well, you're about to find out.
• 19:20
  See you guys at the nest.
• 19:22
  You're like, if you'll look out the front windows, you'll see the ground.
• 19:26
  I'm thinking this is the one.
• 19:32
  What's their normal reactions?
• 19:34
  Yeah.
• 19:36
  Well, I mean, they're ignorant. That's why you're the pilot.
• 19:38
  You know what's going on.
• 19:40
  Once we get there and I've in a sense saved them and provided food and nourishment for them, they will.
• 19:46
  They won't be afraid anymore.
• 19:48
  It'll be admiration.
• 19:50
  Yeah. Once you, once you crash the plane and strand them and then you're able to then provide for them, they'll look to me as a, as a hero.
• 20:00
  You know, forget pilot Sully.
• 20:02
  Pilot Allen is going to be the new name.
• 20:04
  Pilot Allen. Anybody.
• 20:06
  Let me just say, they call him captain.
• 20:08
  Anybody can land a plane on the Hudson.
• 20:10
  Right. You just got to land it.
• 20:12
  Yeah. You just got to do it.
• 20:14
  Hit a couple geese and just do it.
• 20:16
  Nobody else has tried. So that's why nobody else has ever done it before.
• 20:18
  It takes a lot of skill to land a plane in a makeshift nest and raise the crew as you're young.
• 20:24
  Oh, that's good.
• 20:26
  Yeah. That's some real skill.
• 20:28
  Step over Sully.
• 20:30
  Yeah. If Sully, right in.
• 20:32
  Tell us what you're doing now that Allen's taken your, your glory.
• 20:36
  Sully can retire. Is Sully still alive?
• 20:38
  I don't know if he's always alive.
• 20:40
  I would assume.
• 20:42
  He didn't die in a plane crash.
• 20:44
  He did not die in a plane crash.
• 20:46
  Can't say the same for those birds though.
• 20:48
  The non-metal ones.
• 20:50
  Yeah. That's right.
• 20:52
  That's what I brought.
• 20:54
  That's what you have and that's what you said.
• 20:56
  Well, my tactic toward being a captain of a plane is this.
• 21:00
  And I, I, I realize that a lot of people do tend to be afraid and they tend to be anxious.
• 21:05
  Well, I'm going to pump a concoction of gases through the plane's ventilation system.
• 21:12
  Initially, it's going to be laughing gas.
• 21:14
  I'm going to pump it. You know, the white smoke that you see coming out of the, the ventilation as you're starting to take off.
• 21:19
  That's going to be laughing gas at first.
• 21:21
  And that's going to give everybody a who.
• 21:23
  Everybody's going to be cracking up and laughing at everything.
• 21:26
  We have such a great time. It's going to be fantastic.
• 21:28
  You're going to forget that you're ever anxious.
• 21:30
  The next gas is going to be sleeping gas.
• 21:32
  It's going to knock them out.
• 21:34
  They won't even know that they're on a plane anymore.
• 21:37
  I mean, who doesn't love a good laugh in a nap? Right?
• 21:39
  I know I do.
• 21:40
  Yeah. Who doesn't?
• 21:41
  And then like two things I do.
• 21:43
  Laughing nap. And then once they're asleep, I'll unbuckle their seat belts.
• 21:46
  I didn't put it on autopilot. It's just going to kind of figure itself out.
• 21:50
  They call it lift for a reason, right?
• 21:52
  That's how the plane gets in the air.
• 21:53
  Sure.
• 21:54
  L-Y-F-T?
• 21:55
  L-Y-F-T.
• 21:56
  The car service?
• 21:57
  It's the car service. Yeah.
• 21:58
  You hire a Lyft driver to take the, take the plane while you go back and unbuckle them?
• 22:02
  Yeah. He's just a 19 year old kid.
• 22:04
  And Lewis.
• 22:05
  Laughing.
• 22:07
  Just hold the yoke, Lewis. I'll be right back.
• 22:09
  Drives a 95 Honda Accord.
• 22:11
  Laughing.
• 22:12
  I'm like, there's a few more buttons in here, Lewis, than your, your Accord.
• 22:16
  Lewis is stoned right now.
• 22:18
  Laughing.
• 22:19
  It makes great for somebody just holding a, holding a yoke.
• 22:22
  I'll go unbuckle, like I said, I'll go unbuckle the passengers.
• 22:26
  I'll go back, take it back.
• 22:27
  I'll start doing barrels and flips.
• 22:29
  Those passengers are bouncing all over the cabin, right?
• 22:32
  Just hitting, there's a, suitcases are falling out of the overhead compartments.
• 22:38
  And they're just bouncing around when while they're asleep, I don't want to, I don't want to land the plane.
• 22:41
  I think it's inefficient.
• 22:42
  And what most of the people on my airline doesn't know is I have a plane, like one of those military cargo planes,
• 22:48
  that just opens up at the back with a big door.
• 22:51
  I let them out. I just, they, they all start, I, I put, I put backpacks filled with a pair of,
• 22:58
  with a, parachutes in them.
• 23:00
  Right. I'm not crazy. At least I think they're parachutes.
• 23:02
  No, Zach, I'm seeing there is an empty box of hefty garbage bags.
• 23:06
  Oh yes. Yeah.
• 23:07
  In the floor. Is that what you used as parachutes?
• 23:09
  It is what I normally use for parachutes.
• 23:11
  Again, I'm for efficiency. I don't want to land the plane.
• 23:13
  And I will kind of cut costs. And now we're using hefty garbage bags.
• 23:17
  Sure. Sure.
• 23:18
  They work okay.
• 23:19
  What's the success rate on that?
• 23:20
  It's not a lot, but I have a lot of success at getting hefty great advertising.
• 23:25
  That's a little bit of a win.
• 23:26
  Yeah.
• 23:27
  I mean, I'll put paint in the backpacks instead of a, instead of a hefty bag.
• 23:31
  And you know, when the, those sleeping individuals finally hit the ground, it makes a great art exhibit.
• 23:36
  It just, I'm going to be a well-known artist one day.
• 23:39
  I wouldn't worry too much about the red paint if I were you.
• 23:42
  I think that's going to come naturally.
• 23:45
  Heavy in supply.
• 23:49
  Shows you that I wear many hats. I'm a pilot. I'm an artist. I'm a murderer.
• 23:53
  So when you get their bodies ready to fall out of the back of the cargo plane, that's your artist mode.
• 23:59
  Are you wearing like a, like a artist hat?
• 24:01
  Yeah. And a smock.
• 24:02
  One of those, yeah.
• 24:03
  I'm wearing a smock and a beret.
• 24:05
  A beret. That's what I'm thinking.
• 24:07
  Yeah. I'm wearing a smock and a beret and you know, a little color palette.
• 24:10
  Yeah. Color. And I was speaking in a little French accent.
• 24:13
  And I'm telling Lewis to keep that. You got to hold the yolks anyway.
• 24:16
  Why? I pile up these sleeping individuals.
• 24:19
  But Lewis thinks that there's a third person back there talking because you're now doing a bad French accent.
• 24:24
  Like where did that pilot go? It's a Frenchman back here.
• 24:28
  Now, if I may, one suggestion before you...
• 24:31
  Sure. I'll have constructive criticism.
• 24:34
  Before you release your passengers into the sky.
• 24:37
  Well, I'm releasing them to the ground.
• 24:39
  Yeah. Well, they're in the sky at one point.
• 24:42
  So I would suggest another gas and that be tear gas to wake them up while they're flying out.
• 24:47
  That's good.
• 24:48
  So they, you know, you can see the tears in their eyes as they fall.
• 24:51
  You're going a little more serially. You want them to know they're about to hit death.
• 24:55
  Well, I just think as someone who has professed to the hobby of murdering, that may be something that you care about.
• 25:02
  I think the amount of wind that hits your sleeping face as you plummet, I think it'll wake you up.
• 25:08
  It'll probably also make you cry too.
• 25:10
  Well, you could tear gas them so they know what's happening.
• 25:15
  The wind would blow all the tear gas out of their eyes so they would be able to see the ground as it approaches quickly.
• 25:21
  I think dropping out of a cargo hold of a plane 30,000 feet in the air is kind of like nature's tear gas.
• 25:28
  Zach, save that money. Don't invest in tear gas.
• 25:31
  Well, I like the tear gas idea. I think I'm just going to employ it. I'm just going to tear gas.
• 25:35
  I'm going to drop tear gas out with the individuals. It'll be like a Vietnam scene.
• 25:39
  I'll play fortunate son as everybody's...
• 25:43
  It'll be just like a Vietnam scene. People are jumping out of planes, rolling out of planes, trying to deploy air shoots.
• 25:50
  When you do the barrel rolls, do you play Kenny Loggins Danger Zone?
• 25:55
  Yeah, I do. It's a sight watching those sleeping individuals bounce around the plane.
• 26:01
  I think really in the end, the passengers are not afraid to fly because they're either laughing or asleep or dead.
• 26:07
  They made it to the ground.
• 26:09
  Nowhere when you buy a plane ticket is there any stipulation that you should actually make it to the ground alive.
• 26:15
  It is kind of understood, but you know.
• 26:18
  So what airline do you fly for?
• 26:21
  I fly for United because at the end, the passengers are united with the ground.
• 26:27
  Almost at a molecular level.
• 26:30
  Have you ever seen somebody fall from 30,000 feet?
• 26:34
  You hit the ground. You become one with the ground.
• 26:37
  That is what the Native Americans talked about.
• 26:40
  If I remember correctly, they had a lot to say about airplanes.
• 26:44
  Well, I think when they were walking on the trail, they were like, man, we should have flown.
• 26:48
  Should use my travel miles on this.
• 26:50
  They were crying too.
• 26:52
  Speaking of that, I like to release my passengers one at a time.
• 26:55
  And we call that the Trail of Tears.
• 26:58
  Oh man. Let's stop. Let's stop with that.
• 27:01
  Probably a good place to cut it off.
• 27:04
  Sounds good.
• 27:05
  But yeah, that's how we pilot.
• 27:07
  I feel like why wouldn't anybody want to fly with us?
• 27:10
  We will get you to where you're going, whether that be Denver or to heaven.
• 27:17
  We'll get you there.
• 27:18
  Most likely the second one.
• 27:21
  We'll put that in the fine print.
• 27:23
  Yeah.
• 27:24
  May not make it to destination.
• 27:26
  But anyway, it's a very exciting segment for us because this next segment really lets you in on what we do outside of the studio.
• 27:34
  This next segment is a segment where we read news articles about usually Alan.
• 27:40
  But actually this time around, Evan has a news article from the New York Times about all three of us and something we did this past week.
• 27:47
  So let's hop into that.
• 27:48
  We interrupt this program for a breaking news story.
• 27:51
  Breaking news.
• 27:53
  Hold on. This is breaking news.
• 27:56
  So found a little little excerpt about us in the New York Times about some stuff we've been doing this week.
• 28:01
  I feel special because usually it's Alan in it.
• 28:04
  But now it's me too.
• 28:05
  I'm excited.
• 28:06
  We've been making an effort to do things more together.
• 28:10
  Aside from just record team building.
• 28:12
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 28:13
  A little a little group outings, which is big for me because I know that we've said a lot in the past that we're merely acquaintances, you know, outside of the show.
• 28:20
  Not much personal connection there, but you know, we're making an effort.
• 28:24
  I got to say.
• 28:25
  But anyway, so we got this new story here that I'll read out for us in a shocking and deeply disturbing incident.
• 28:31
  That's a great way to start.
• 28:32
  Boys, that's a great way to start for us.
• 28:34
  Not entirely uncommon to this program, though.
• 28:37
  Probably probably a little dramatic, but we'll see.
• 28:39
  All right.
• 28:40
  In a shocking and deeply disturbing incident, three men, Evan, Alan and Zach, have been apprehended for their involvement in a series of unsettling actions targeting grandmothers within a local community.
• 28:50
  Authorities were alerted to the situation when reports began to emerge of three individuals engaging in bizarre and concerning behavior towards elderly women.
• 28:58
  Witnesses have described the men as approaching grandmothers on the streets and in local parks, attempting to sell them peculiar and unnecessary items such as neon colored garden gnomes and oversized rubber duckies.
• 29:10
  These encounters have left the elderly women feeling confused and vulnerable as they were pressured into making purchases they didn't want or need.
• 29:18
  Even more troubling are reports of the men organizing unusual gatherings that they dubbed grandmother game shows.
• 29:28
  These events allegedly involved subjecting grandmothers to uncomfortable and embarrassing challenges such as reciting nonsensical phrases in public or participating in awkward dance-offs.
• 29:39
  The victims were reportedly left feeling humiliated and distressed.
• 29:43
  If they would have won, they wouldn't be humiliated.
• 29:45
  That's news to me.
• 29:46
  They seemed so pleased with what we were doing.
• 29:50
  The media, we live in a time where the media just spins everything in a negative light.
• 29:56
  A lot of fake news going on.
• 29:58
  This is fake news.
• 29:59
  They spun it so poorly.
• 30:01
  I got a little bit left here if you want to hear a little bit more about the investigation.
• 30:05
  Oh, yeah.
• 30:06
  Let's hear about the investigation.
• 30:07
  This is new to us.
• 30:08
  We'll hear it.
• 30:10
  Well, let's hear what the investigation has on what they got on us.
• 30:13
  What's the dirt?
• 30:14
  As the investigation unfolds, authorities are working to ascertain the motives behind these distressing actions.
• 30:19
  Concerned citizens are voicing their outrage at the mistreatment of the elderly, calling for justice to be served swiftly.
• 30:25
  Local support groups have rallied to offer assistance and comfort to the affected grandmothers who are now left grappling with the emotional aftermath of these unsettling encounters.
• 30:34
  The community at large is left in shock and disbelief as they try to comprehend how such an appalling series of events could occur within their midst.
• 30:42
  This incident serves as a grim reminder of the need for increased awareness and vigilance in protecting vulnerable members of society from exploitation and mistreatment.
• 30:52
  They really shook us down, boys.
• 30:54
  They painted us in a bad light.
• 30:57
  Here I was thinking that we were three tall pillars of the community helping out the elderly, and we've really just had this spun against us.
• 31:05
  Yeah, we're doing nothing but good.
• 31:07
  We're giving them game shows.
• 31:08
  We're giving them game shows.
• 31:09
  They love game shows.
• 31:10
  Those neon gnomes.
• 31:11
  I mean, we have a lot of neon gnomes and rubber chickens that we're trying to offload.
• 31:15
  I will say we did pressure them pretty hard on the gnomes.
• 31:19
  I don't think it's anything they didn't already want.
• 31:22
  Sometimes you have to show people exactly what they want.
• 31:25
  They don't know.
• 31:26
  We know.
• 31:27
  We know what they want.
• 31:28
  And if you have to use a switchblade knife to let them know, you have to let them know, by the way.
• 31:33
  If there's one demographic that we are all in on, it's the 65 and up retirement women.
• 31:41
  Full disclosure, Alan, this was kind of your idea.
• 31:44
  You saw a need in the community and you felt what?
• 31:47
  That old people just too bored, too bored, close to death.
• 31:51
  When we started doing needs for nanas, I think it was because we saw a lot of just old people depressed that they were old.
• 32:00
  Like they were like, we do nothing but collect Social Security checks and play bingo.
• 32:05
  Yeah, very bored.
• 32:06
  I think, you know, we we we toss around some ideas.
• 32:09
  One was games for Gams.
• 32:12
  Uh huh. Yeah.
• 32:13
  And that, you know, we tried we thought that was going to be a good idea.
• 32:16
  That was a fitness related that one we did related program.
• 32:19
  I believe we tried to we tried we tried to get some grandmothers to do some burpees and pull ups.
• 32:26
  And now the pull ups were in full disclosure, kind of over a bridge.
• 32:31
  They weren't just a normal pull up bar at a fitness center.
• 32:34
  I think that was actually the turn off is because when they heard pull ups, they were like, no, we're a depends crowd.
• 32:41
  But I mean, we thought because we thought pull ups would be good to do over a bridge because, you know, there's nothing that motivates you to pull up than impending.
• 32:51
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 32:52
  But, you know, we didn't we didn't think that just a pull up bar at a fitness center would do it justice.
• 32:57
  And it wasn't a very tall bridge.
• 32:59
  Just old people break over everything.
• 33:02
  Yeah. Just the smallest stream.
• 33:04
  I mean, Evan, Evan did a great job being the the almost like a drill instructor for the military.
• 33:10
  He put on the hat. He was yelling obscenities to grandmothers and kind of motivate him.
• 33:15
  You had to motivate him. You motivated him.
• 33:17
  Yeah. What were some of the things that you said, like you yelled at him?
• 33:20
  You got to pull up your skins more wrinkly than a maggot.
• 33:24
  Pull up. If you don't pull up, you're going to die.
• 33:28
  You're going to die. Pull up. Pull up.
• 33:31
  Oh, you're just kind of give him facts.
• 33:35
  This bridge was built in 1971 by the Army Corps of Engineers.
• 33:41
  They will probably enjoy that fact.
• 33:43
  I know old people, they love old facts like that.
• 33:46
  Or when there's a burn ban, they love old facts like that.
• 33:51
  And that motivated him. We didn't have any we didn't have any Grammy Grammys falling from the bridge.
• 33:56
  Not a one. They all pulled up.
• 33:58
  Now, that was also because we tied bungee jump bungee jumping ropes to their waist.
• 34:03
  So they did fall, but none of them hit the ground.
• 34:05
  No, no, they came back up for the most part safe.
• 34:09
  Yeah. Couple dislodged hip.
• 34:11
  Nothing you can't pop back in place.
• 34:13
  But I think that's just going to be expected when you're dealing with this kind of clientele.
• 34:17
  Right. Right. Missing dentures.
• 34:19
  Dentures. Inertia pulled the dentures right out of their mouth.
• 34:22
  Evan, why don't you tell us why we decided on selling neon gnomes and chickens?
• 34:27
  I feel like people need to know why we have a surplus of that and why we kind of geared it toward the elderly.
• 34:32
  I would say the decision was less on was less a decision and more of something that was forced upon us
• 34:38
  when we discovered a toppled over 18 wheeler carrying garden gnomes and rubber chickens.
• 34:45
  Yeah, of course, we had to take that. It was free.
• 34:47
  You know, you know what they say. If it's toppled in the interstate, then it's free.
• 34:51
  Yeah, it'd be irresponsible for us to leave that there.
• 34:53
  Exactly. You don't want cars to hit that.
• 34:55
  You don't want other people to find it and try to sell it.
• 34:58
  So it was really on us to find it and sell it.
• 35:01
  And what was the reason the 18 wheeler toppled over?
• 35:04
  You were driving. So I was driving.
• 35:06
  Yeah, you were driving. So, you know, by we found it, he means he turned around and saw that it was toppled.
• 35:12
  Yeah, he looked at his rear view mirror, saw that it was toppled over.
• 35:16
  Well, it was late at night. And you know how I like to just swerve through each and every lane as violently as I can.
• 35:23
  You don't look in the mirrors. No, no, no.
• 35:27
  You just grab 10 and two and twist it.
• 35:29
  Yeah, you try to work out your shoulders a little bit, you know, sling it to the left, sling it to the right.
• 35:34
  Just see if you can fight the G's.
• 35:37
  The grandmas, those G's? See if you can fight them.
• 35:40
  Now, that's because in the backseat, Alan was legitimately fighting your grandmother.
• 35:44
  How did that turn out? Did you win?
• 35:46
  One doesn't really win a fight with a grandmother. Yeah.
• 35:49
  She I had the upper hand and then she scolded me.
• 35:53
  Oh, got an old lady scolding.
• 35:55
  She said, boy, you need to wash behind your ears.
• 35:59
  He said, you need to eat all your vegetables.
• 36:02
  And I remember back when there was no AC in the house and just just old things.
• 36:07
  Old people started just saying a lot of old things to me.
• 36:10
  And I just got me off my game.
• 36:12
  She told she told you that you need to invest in green beans.
• 36:16
  Green beans. The big the big market that is green beans.
• 36:20
  She was really into canned goods.
• 36:23
  She actually started telling me I should start canning my own if I can't get into the green bean market.
• 36:28
  There you go. Yeah, that's good advice.
• 36:30
  At least you got good advice out of it. Yeah.
• 36:32
  But yeah, you were swerving and swerved right in front of an 18 wheeler.
• 36:36
  You weren't even looking. You were back there.
• 36:37
  You were watching Alan fight the fight, an old lady in the backseat and swerved right in front of the 18 wheeler.
• 36:42
  18 wheeler fell. Doors slung open and there was neon gnomes and big rubber duckies that we didn't question why there was just loose items in there like that.
• 36:52
  But but because the old lady was there and we all witnessed her interest in the items that were just scattered across the interstate.
• 36:59
  I think that's where we kind of came to the came to the conclusion that maybe all old women like neon gnomes and rubber chickens.
• 37:08
  Now, the question should be raised.
• 37:10
  Did she actually like it or did she have a concussion from either Alan's fists or her head bouncing off the windows of Evans driving?
• 37:20
  She looked like a pinball. Yeah, the head bouncing around all over the place.
• 37:25
  You couldn't tell if it was a concussion or just the dementia.
• 37:29
  Yeah, yeah, we we don't choose the healthy ramosified.
• 37:32
  We choose the ones we know we can win.
• 37:34
  Which brings up another point is the the dance off idea that Zach had.
• 37:38
  Yeah, for for our local gathering.
• 37:41
  Now, they phrase it as awkward dance offs, which I think is kind of demeaning towards the grandmothers.
• 37:46
  We made them dance in their underwear, which tended to be awkward for the playground we were at.
• 37:52
  But I don't think I don't think they found it awkward.
• 37:54
  That's not our fault. That's not our fault.
• 37:56
  They found it freeing, I think. Yeah.
• 37:58
  There's nothing like the wind hitting your nethers, your nethers, your flappy skin, your flappy skin.
• 38:06
  If it's a woman boobs hanging down to the waist, there's nothing like that.
• 38:10
  Well, sure, I mean, we don't want to assume.
• 38:16
  I don't know.
• 38:18
  Have you all seen any of the local support groups and local citizens that have been kind of reaching out and now they're trying to bring us to justice, per se.
• 38:27
  They're having pickets outside of my house, a bunch of people with signs and whatnot and the granny goblins.
• 38:38
  The granny goblins, they're granny goblins.
• 38:40
  Yeah, that's a that's a group that I think is more of a fetish group.
• 38:44
  That's a group of really young, weird men.
• 38:48
  Very supportive of grandmothers. Very supportive.
• 38:51
  They were out there on the dance, the dance off in a completely different aspect.
• 38:58
  I think the granny goblins actually were there probably supporting us.
• 39:02
  They were picketing in our defense.
• 39:05
  Boys are constantly sweating. I don't say that.
• 39:08
  That's the only thing I know about them.
• 39:11
  Constantly sweating, but they were all just hanging out outside your house.
• 39:15
  Yeah, picketing. They're tossing things through windows.
• 39:18
  They're using the very big old lady bras as slingshots to send messages.
• 39:25
  What kind of things have they thrown through your window?
• 39:27
  Prosthetic legs, the white shoes, the white Velcro shoes.
• 39:33
  So many shape ups.
• 39:38
  And what are the messages saying?
• 39:39
  Free our elders.
• 39:41
  They say free our elders, let them die in peace, you know.
• 39:45
  Quit making them dance in the park.
• 39:50
  Very factual and pointed things.
• 39:53
  One of the messages was why did you have to give my grandma a new lease on life?
• 39:58
  She was almost dead.
• 39:59
  That's the one of the positive reviews that we got.
• 40:02
  People don't review us on Google. They just send bricks through my window
• 40:08
  to let you know you did a good job.
• 40:10
  That one had five stars. They literally drew five stars on the piece of paper with the brick.
• 40:15
  She said thanks.
• 40:18
  Slingshot it through your window.
• 40:20
  You'll be amazed how dentures can be a great way to deliver a message.
• 40:24
  You just stick that piece of paper between two of them.
• 40:28
  Rubber band the dentures together and sling it through. It's great.
• 40:32
  But I don't think we're going to stop. I don't think we're going to stop helping the elderly out.
• 40:36
  I see no need to.
• 40:37
  I think we are martyrs for a cause.
• 40:40
  We've done nothing but good.
• 40:41
  Nothing but good.
• 40:43
  I think people are just jealous and that's where these articles come from.
• 40:46
  Love your grandmothers more.
• 40:47
  Specifically grandmothers.
• 40:50
  Listen, if y'all did this, we wouldn't have to.
• 40:53
  Make your grandmothers dance out in the parks in underwear and we wouldn't have to do this.
• 40:59
  Make your grandmothers go on game shows.
• 41:01
  Host game shows for your grandmothers.
• 41:03
  Force them to do things.
• 41:06
  Really work that brain.
• 41:08
  And if you didn't know, they love giant rubber ducks and neon.
• 41:12
  I don't see enough of them.
• 41:13
  Enough rubber ducks and neon gnomes in grandmothers.
• 41:17
  I see doilies.
• 41:18
  Yeah. And then furniture that looks like if you sit on it, it would break.
• 41:21
  Yeah. Or they have plastic on the couch.
• 41:24
  I think they do that for the granny goblins.
• 41:29
  For a quick cleanup.
• 41:33
  Oh, but anyway, there you go.
• 41:35
  That's a news article about us.
• 41:37
  We're doing good out there.
• 41:38
  It's just twisted weird.
• 41:39
  Don't judge us.
• 41:41
  Judge the fake news and whatever media, whatever the media is pushing.
• 41:45
  It's an angle for some reason.
• 41:46
  Bottom line is don't listen to the media.
• 41:48
  Listen to questionable detour.
• 41:49
  Yeah.
• 41:50
  We'll hit you with the correct stuff.
• 41:52
  This is the source of the truth.
• 41:53
  I'm biased.
• 41:54
  And we're going to give you the news that you need to know.
• 41:56
  Yeah.
• 41:57
  Not the stuff, not the clutter, the fake news out there that the mainstream media is trying to push down your throat.
• 42:04
  This is where the hard hitting facts come into play.
• 42:07
  I'm biased.
• 42:08
  Consider us a filter objective.
• 42:11
  We're the light and the dark right now.
• 42:14
  That's the QD guarantee right there.
• 42:16
  Nothing but the facts.
• 42:17
  So, you know, up next, Tucker Carlson.
• 42:24
  Oh man. But New York Times, you can stuff it.
• 42:26
  That's that's you get out of here.
• 42:29
  We're doing we're doing right by the world.
• 42:31
  And they're going to stamp the QD QD guarantee on that Alan.
• 42:34
  There you go.
• 42:36
  There's a QD guarantee.
• 42:37
  We got it.
• 42:38
  We'd love to see that.
• 42:39
  But there you go.
• 42:40
  And speaking of doing good for this world, we have a few people in looking for advice.
• 42:44
  So let's let's drop some wisdom on these people.
• 42:47
  I need help.
• 42:53
  All right.
• 42:54
  So for our first listener email, this is from Riley.
• 42:58
  And he's looking for advice about a friend in poverty.
• 43:01
  And this is what his email says.
• 43:03
  My friend is in a living situation where his guardian can't afford to feed him.
• 43:08
  He doesn't want to get CPS involved because he's afraid he'll lose his things such as his laptop and phone.
• 43:14
  I unfortunately don't know enough about this kind of stuff to know if that's true or not.
• 43:20
  I want to help, but I have no clue how.
• 43:22
  If this is too serious, I'm sorry.
• 43:23
  But just some advice would be appreciated.
• 43:27
  Well, all right, guys.
• 43:29
  Serious, serious email from Riley here.
• 43:31
  We we we like to we like to keep it loose and light here.
• 43:36
  You know, we very fun guys, but we like to get serious to life is serious.
• 43:41
  You know, we can't let QDNPR do all the serious topics.
• 43:44
  That's right.
• 43:45
  We need to we need to be able to handle that, I think, on our end as well.
• 43:49
  Well, what a great opportunity for Riley.
• 43:51
  He has a friend that in poverty.
• 43:53
  What do you all think Riley should do to help out his his impoverished friend?
• 43:57
  I think Riley should go buy food for him, break into their house at night and stock their refrigerator.
• 44:05
  Riley, if if you see him, your friend hungry and you're not doing anything about it, well, you're just as bad as the parents.
• 44:12
  That's true.
• 44:13
  If you're sitting next to me and you hear that that stomach growling and you don't you don't offer him any food, that's on you.
• 44:19
  Go to the store and buy a lot of food and then don't let him know it's you break into their house at night secretly stock their fridge.
• 44:26
  When he wakes up and sees a full fridge, he's going to think, wow, my family loves me.
• 44:30
  And not only are you making making sure that he's got food in his belly, you're also keeping a family together.
• 44:37
  What kind of food should he buy? Like what's what's a good food?
• 44:40
  I'm thinking like tofu and like maybe just plant based meats.
• 44:45
  So this granola, yeah, I even in bags just on the on the counter.
• 44:52
  I feel like anything very loose like that should know a lot goes along way.
• 44:58
  Your friend sounds poor, right?
• 45:00
  Poor, he's probably hungry. He doesn't want to have to go through the effort of opening things.
• 45:04
  Give him loose items, just kind of sprinkled about his pantry.
• 45:08
  Yeah, just some shredded cheese just kind of sprinkled out across the counter.
• 45:13
  Go get it when he needs it. Yeah.
• 45:15
  And if they don't eat it, then I'm sure the rodents that hang around probably will.
• 45:20
  Yeah, which brings up also the question if there are rodents in the house and he's hungry.
• 45:25
  He just sounds like a bad hunter. Yeah.
• 45:27
  And that was actually going to be my advice is kind of prep them for the long haul.
• 45:32
  You could do what Alan said. Go buy him some food. That'll last them for now.
• 45:36
  Sure. The real answer is prepare him for the long road ahead, which is hunger for the rest of your life.
• 45:42
  Get him a pig. For now, it's a little baby pig. Yeah.
• 45:46
  It'll be someone that he can cuddle with, comfort him, keep him company.
• 45:51
  You find a lot of comfort in pigs? Yeah, baby ones. Okay.
• 45:55
  And then as it grows, it'll be his best friend because he's poor. He doesn't have anything else to do.
• 46:00
  And then once that pig gets to a certain size, that's bacon, baby.
• 46:05
  That would be a catchphrase. Does he have to say that when he kills the pig, when he slaughters the pig?
• 46:10
  Yeah. Yeah. As the axe goes into its neck. That's bacon, baby.
• 46:16
  He says it and he sounds like Frank Sinatra when he's doing it. Yeah.
• 46:19
  He sounds like a game show host. But he's crying for like the next week as he's eating it because he just killed his only friend.
• 46:26
  So your idea is basically give a man a fish. You feed him for a day.
• 46:30
  Teach a man to fish. You feed him for a foreseeable future.
• 46:35
  You still gave the man a fish. You just gave him a fish to slaughter later.
• 46:39
  I gave you to teach him to fit. I gave him a fish to learn how to make more fish.
• 46:44
  And my fish, we mean a pig. Listen, listen.
• 46:48
  I think if you're applying that analogy, you should give him a spear, some face paint and tell him to go out into the woods and spear some pigs.
• 46:57
  Not give him a big give a man a grown pig. He'll eat today.
• 47:02
  Teach a man how to raise a child pig. He'll have emotional damage. Have a lot more issues.
• 47:09
  I've got to have food later. As you're raising this pig, wouldn't the pig go through the same problems he does about not having enough food?
• 47:16
  I mean, he'd basically be killing a malnourished pig. And what's he going to get off that?
• 47:21
  It is you're just providing another mouth for defeat.
• 47:24
  You can just throw him out back and he could eat whatever grass or whatever is back there.
• 47:27
  I don't know what pigs eat, but whatever's left, I guess. I also wanted to kill it with an axe.
• 47:32
  I don't think Evans ever killed a pig. I haven't. He's not poor.
• 47:36
  He can go by. Am I the weird one in this situation? He can go by bacon.
• 47:42
  Yeah, I mean, but I think that Riley, there you go.
• 47:47
  How you can help your friend give him loose foods just kind of about his house.
• 47:52
  Maybe he'll find them in the morning and think there's some kind of poor person Santa food fairies come holding that family together.
• 48:01
  Yeah. And Evan advice was don't just give him food.
• 48:05
  Help him raise his food so he's emotionally damaged when he has to eventually kill it and eat it.
• 48:09
  But I hope that helps Riley write us write us and tell us tell us how rich your friend became, how how nourished he became.
• 48:17
  All right, Evan, what's our what's our next needy person?
• 48:20
  All right. Well, we got a little note from Paul here.
• 48:24
  He's asking us, hey, cutie people, how do you make friends?
• 48:28
  Basically what my subject said, but I'm in a wheelchair.
• 48:31
  The height difference is awkward and it seems to spark pity rather than enthusiasm.
• 48:35
  I'm not sure how to approach people. Short and sweet. Short and sweet.
• 48:39
  It's probably as short as him in the wheelchair, honestly. Really paints a picture, though.
• 48:43
  Yeah, a deep picture. But hey, listen, you've you've approached the three guys with the most friends.
• 48:48
  We're not friends with each other, but outside of that, we have your acquaintance.
• 48:51
  So many friends like it's it's overwhelming.
• 48:55
  Yeah. And Evan's in a rolling chair right now.
• 48:57
  So he's kind of, I think, yeah, in a similar situation.
• 49:00
  I'm sure wheels on my chair. Yeah.
• 49:02
  So what do you all do? How do you help Paul make friends?
• 49:06
  And since he's in a since he's disabled, I think step number one, I probably shouldn't use that for Paul.
• 49:13
  One rotation, number one, number one would be learned to walk.
• 49:21
  That's kind of my advice is kind of learn how to stand.
• 49:25
  Do you have any advice on maybe how he could learn how to stand? Get two poles.
• 49:29
  OK. Flag poles. Yeah.
• 49:32
  Well, they don't have American flags on them. Oh, they have Chinese flag.
• 49:35
  Iranian flags. Well, he just found them in his neighborhood.
• 49:39
  It's not weird. He ran really.
• 49:43
  He can't even walk.
• 49:47
  He wanted to have Iranian flag.
• 49:51
  I ran anyway.
• 49:54
  He got really hammered on you here, Paul.
• 49:57
  He has you got to learn to walk because my vocabulary isn't really set for wheelchair about people.
• 50:04
  Yeah, you have an adjusted. Yeah.
• 50:06
  So anyway, tie those flag poles to your ankles.
• 50:10
  Tie them to your hips. Really plant those flag poles into the ground one at a time.
• 50:15
  And that's a step at a time. And then you'll always be standing.
• 50:18
  Feels like the flag poles aren't supporting you very well.
• 50:21
  Go ahead and cement those bad boys into the ground.
• 50:23
  They won't topple over. They're cement holding them in place.
• 50:26
  So then you'll be standing with those flag poles. You may not be able to move very far or at all or at all.
• 50:31
  But you'll be standing. You'll be standing. You won't be in a wheelchair.
• 50:34
  You will be at the same height as normal people.
• 50:37
  That's good advice. I mean, when you plant that flag, it'll be like one small step for you.
• 50:42
  One small step for Paul, one giant squat for mankind.
• 50:48
  But I mean, you solved his issue.
• 50:50
  He says he the height difference seems to be the main issue that he has making friends.
• 50:55
  So you got him to stand up. And I think that's I think that's all advice.
• 50:58
  Exactly. Salt.
• 51:01
  What does he need anymore? All right.
• 51:04
  All right, Alan, what's what's your advice for Paul wheelchair bound friendless Paul?
• 51:08
  Paul, don't go to them. Make them come to you.
• 51:11
  Go and cut all the brake lines in your friend's cars, your perspective friend's cars.
• 51:18
  They're not your friends yet.
• 51:19
  But when they get into a terrible car accident and they are hopefully for you wheelchair bound for life,
• 51:27
  they're going to be on your level and they're going to be looking for somebody to roll with.
• 51:31
  So that's been there before, too.
• 51:34
  So experience, they'll need they'll need to roll in the tracks that you make with your wheelchair.
• 51:40
  They'll need to they'll need to follow you where you where you go.
• 51:44
  So, yeah, yeah.
• 51:48
  Following your tracks, pop the hood on those cars, cut those brake lines, just start, just start snipping things inside that under that hood.
• 51:56
  Don't even matter what it is.
• 51:58
  As long as they crash, don't die and get paralyzed from the waist down.
• 52:04
  There's a sweet spot there. There is a sweet spot.
• 52:07
  You might lose a few perspective friends.
• 52:09
  Keep in mind, this has to be a permanent solution.
• 52:13
  We don't want a broken leg where they're only in the wheelchair temporarily.
• 52:16
  Yeah, yeah, because that's just a they're just looking for a temporary friend.
• 52:22
  That's good. I mean, I think it's good for Paul.
• 52:25
  Don't be a victim. Make everybody else a victim.
• 52:28
  Get them on your level. Don't go to their level.
• 52:30
  Make them come to you. That's a good point, Alan.
• 52:33
  Not a lot of people talk about it, but the common trend where wheelchair bound people and able bodied people can't be friends.
• 52:40
  Well, they're just in a different class than us.
• 52:43
  Yeah, the special ed class, special education.
• 52:50
  But that's that's that's good. That's a strong strong advice.
• 52:53
  Yeah. I also, Paul, if you want to get in the level, put monster truck wheels on your on your wheelchair.
• 52:59
  Get on their level by making your wheelchair taller.
• 53:03
  Paul, do like I used to do on my bike and put a baseball card above your wheel.
• 53:08
  Make you sound cool when you.
• 53:11
  Yeah, they'll they'll have no choice but to notice you as you flip flat through their area.
• 53:17
  Maybe put a bike horn, a little honk bike horn on it.
• 53:20
  You know, be noticeable, put some flames on the side of that bad boy and literal flames.
• 53:25
  Yeah. Light your wheelchair on fire.
• 53:29
  Put a giant don't tread on me flag on the back of your wheelchair.
• 53:33
  Yeah, I know what you're about. Yeah.
• 53:36
  But Paul, man, that that should get you plenty of friends.
• 53:39
  That's something I would use immediately if I if I were all of a sudden wheelchair bound.
• 53:44
  I would do every one of these things. Man, I write us back in, Paul.
• 53:48
  You're able to write back in, right? You're just your legs aren't working.
• 53:52
  Like your hands are working, right?
• 53:54
  I typed this thing, but that could have been speech to text.
• 53:57
  I guess the email could be to.
• 54:00
  We're in the clear.
• 54:01
  Very well, could have just stuck his head on one end of the keyboard and rolled it.
• 54:04
  And somehow that came out. There you go.
• 54:06
  There you go, Paul. There you go, Riley.
• 54:08
  It's drinking from the wellspring of knowledge that is questionable detour.
• 54:12
  I'm I'm I'm happy that you are now blessed.
• 54:15
  Not as much, Paul, but Paul, you've got room for improvement.
• 54:19
  Yeah, I just want to real quick say I don't think that we've had any advice
• 54:25
  that has been, you know, come back and been bad.
• 54:28
  I think all the advice we've ever given has been solid and truthful advice.
• 54:32
  Yeah, I don't think I don't think we've ever had a dud that one guy's girlfriend didn't like it.
• 54:36
  Yeah, it's hard to please women. Yeah, that can't be our fault.
• 54:39
  That can't be our fault. No, no.
• 54:42
  It's on her to open up her mind to the possibilities that the man of her house enjoyed it.
• 54:47
  So I say that's a yeah, that's a way.
• 54:49
  That's the direction that's going. So there you go.
• 54:51
  Episode 25 boys. Evan, you want to give us a one liner wisdom to end it on?
• 54:56
  If you give a fisherman, you'll feed him for a day.
• 54:59
  If you teach a fish to man, he'll be fed for the rest of his life.
• 55:04
  Wow. He'll get a job.
• 55:07
  He'll be employed. He's just like a man at that point.
• 55:12
  Only more powerful. No fishman wisdom. That's good.
• 55:18
  All right, Alan, one liner wisdom for the for the folks.
• 55:22
  Don't go to a banana tree looking for a pineapple.
• 55:27
  That's great. Amen. That's great.
• 55:29
  That's good for Evan. He's always walking into bushes, hoping there's bananas in there.
• 55:36
  He's fruit blind is what he is. He can't tell.
• 55:40
  He doesn't. He can never tell if a gay man's hitting on him. He's fruit blind.
• 55:43
  No, he doesn't know.
• 55:47
  He doesn't know. So he always just assumes. Yeah, he just assumes.
• 55:50
  Right. I'm so low on vitamin C and vitamin D, depending on how you look at it.
• 55:55
  Is that what oranges give you is vitamin C? Yes.
• 55:58
  Yes. Common mistake. Apples are not oranges.
• 56:02
  Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not the same family, really.
• 56:05
  People run into that one quite a bit. I hate to see hate to see somebody struggle with that.
• 56:10
  Oh, man. But hey, we're sorry for your your issues.
• 56:14
  I'm working through it. Yeah, we got it.
• 56:16
  But that's it, boys. Don't want to be done. Let's go.
• 56:18
  Let's go.
• 56:21
  Oh, oh, oh.
• 56:28
  OohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHH
• 56:32
  Expect the detour.