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You sabotage because success doesn't feel safe · #BeMoreLobster

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Today we have a smorgasbord, let me tell you.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: We are talking upper limit problems, emotional capacity, creating chaos when growth feels unsafe, releasing your grip, and why women sabotage through exhaustion, drama, procrastination, moaning, withdrawal, or inconsistency, maybe all of the above.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: So you know what to do.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Grab your brew and let's dive right in.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm gonna start with a problem that I noticed for myself over the last couple of months.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it sounds a little bit like this.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I noticed that when I go all in over here, I release my grip somewhere else.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, I have this model that I've been running that says if I'm gonna go 100% in my business, something else has to suffer.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: I can't possibly give my attention to my relationship or my nutrition or my health.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like I have to let go somewhere else.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason I believe that that came up so powerfully for me over the last few months is because the beginning of this year was really, really full on.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: I set a big goal in my business.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'd just come back from Australia doing some training.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was doing the 75 hard.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And when I was doing the 75 hard, I really liked who I was.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: I had so much energy, I was really focused, my productivity was up, um, my relationship was improving, like everything felt like it was absolutely great.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And at about week seven, I noticed that I started to dip back out.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it was almost like, okay, you've done enough.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And this was completely unconscious.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: It was so sneaky that I didn't even see it till a few weeks later.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh my god, I've actually started to step away from all of these things that make me feel really good.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And we're going to talk about that a little bit more a bit later on.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: But nonetheless, what I've noticed now on the other side of that, where I'm not doing the 75 challenge, is that it's created some contrast for me.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: I can see a different version of me that doesn't feel as great.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's no judgment here, but she doesn't feel as great, and I'm not as productive and I'm not as focused, and I don't have as much energy.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, that's so interesting how I can create this contrast and learn in the contrast because it's given me context of who I want to be and it's shown me this model.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: So that when I go all in one place, something else has to be let go of.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I mentioned it to some of my clients in our group coaching call over the last couple of weeks, and they were like, oh my god, I feel the same.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: I have this, I have the same issue.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so what I've been discussing with them is how this is coming from at different levels, mind and body.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: So, first of all, there is obviously some kind of limited thinking going on.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it can be like this unconscious or maybe conscious fear of burning out.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's like I'm already exhausted, I don't have, you know, the the strength to kind of focus on more than one thing at a time.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes this is also about a real mental and emotional capacity, and that capacity can be in the thinking, as I've just said, but it also can be in a somatic experience.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've had a time when you've been a lot where you've had a lot of stress or you've been in survival, or you've had a lot of trauma, it can feel very, very unsafe for your body to start to do more.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so there is a somatic as well as a mental capacity that may need to be expanded.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Also, when you're running this model, in other words, the model is we've got a circumstance, we have thoughts and feelings about the circumstance that create a charge, that creates the actions that we do or don't do, which ultimately creates a results, which is why one of my coaches says it is your thoughts that create your results.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do another episode on that later on.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: But when we're running that model, can you see how it actually prevents the creation of how well how can I do this?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: What is missing?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do differently?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: What is available to me?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we're in the limitation, we're not we're not able to even see how we can make the stretch a possibility.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd love for you to just consider at the moment is is there a possibility that you are also running this model that when I go all in here, I release my grip somewhere else?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And are you able to see and have a look at is this really from a place of limited thinking?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it could the limited thinking could just be you'd actually never even considered it before.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's the power of coaching.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: The amount of times that I have people say I'd never even looked at it like that.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's why you're paying me, right?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm helping you to shift perspective.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Could it be that there's a mental and emotional capacity limitation through something that's happened in the past, or just because you've never been in that space for more, you haven't allowed that somatic stretch either.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the first one.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: When I go all in here, I release here.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: What that leads me to is something that I also realized in this learning from contrast, is that I said this to my clients.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: I realized that the best version of myself comes out when I raise the stakes.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: So could it be true for you that the best version of you might come out when you raise the stakes?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: So let me explain that in a little bit more detail.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: I recently signed up for a Hyrux race, God help me.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of October, I'm doing doubles with my daughter.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: And this happened about two weeks after I decided to run, put myself through the 75 hard challenge again.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm doing all of the journey on Instagram for myself more than anything else, like a as a visual, auditory, daily vlog, blog, whatever you want to call it.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want to come follow me, it's called Who Will I Become.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'd love to see you over there, and it's gonna just be super real, okay?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm not, there's nothing fancy schmancy going on over there, just real time.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Anywho, what I realised was I was thinking about who I was when I trained for triathlons.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I've done about 11 triathlons, and they were they were, I say they were only sprint ones, sprint triathlons, nothing major, right?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm I'm still aware that a lot of people wouldn't wouldn't do one.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I know hand on heart categorically that I trained for just enough.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I trained to get through the finish line, and there was always that thought at the back of my head as well, you know, I'm pretty fit.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: I know I can do 90 minutes, you know, maybe a hundred minutes of exercise.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be hard, but I know I can manage it.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I never actually trained to be my best.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: I trained for just enough.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And when I was thinking about who I want to be when I do the HIROCs, how I want to feel, how I want to look, I realized that training to finish is very, very different to training like you mean it.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Training like you expect to succeed, training like you might be totally gassed, but you're absolutely like energetically on fire.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be the latter these days.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: I want to train like I mean it.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And you can apply this to your business.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: This does not apply to sporting events.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is like, are you training your brain in your business like an Olympic athlete?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Training your brain for resourceful, helpful, productive thoughts.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Are you training yourself like an Olympic athlete to nurture yourself, to rest like an athlete, to recover like an athlete, to nourish yourself, mind, body, spirit?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is one of the things that I've never really heard anybody talk about in business.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's a success training protocol.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: It is not getting somewhere, it is not the end result that creates you, it is who you are in pursuit of the goal that creates the version of success that you want.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so, if that best version of yourself comes out and you raise the stakes, where do you need to raise the stakes?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And this is one of the reasons why I put 75 Hard and the Hyrux training together because I'm incredibly curious about how that will um map over to my business.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm going out all out here, and I'm still choosing to go all out in my business, what could happen in the next five months?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I have a feeling that big things are gonna happen in the next five months.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's an intentional thought that I'm holding.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Big things happen when I raise the stakes, but I'm also raising the stakes in full belief.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not raising the stakes and going, I'm gonna like, I'm gonna just like train to finish, I'm training to freaking win in my own mind.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pushing myself to the edge of my current stories so I can move beyond and create something new.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: So when you think about that, could it be true that because you're not training to succeed, because you're not training like you mean it, because you're training to get out of the discomfort of being in the now, because you're training to just try and prove to yourself that you can do something, because you're training to just be like, oh my god, I've just got to get through to the end of the week, that model is actually draining you.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just ruining your results, but it's actually making results harder because you because you you might be bored, because you're living within your own limiting story.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I had a client that was talking about that this week, and what she noticed as we were coaching was that she was bored, she was actually she was bored of her own conversation, but she was bored in her business and her life because she wasn't doing things that she wanted to do, and she was bored because she knew she was holding herself back through fear, but that while she was she was kind of like she wasn't experiencing the fear because she wasn't doing the thing, it was also creating boredom because there was there was there wasn't that fire.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is what raising awareness is really all about when we're coaching, and we're also feeling it in our body.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: What do we need to move through our body?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: What shape, new shape do we need to create?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Where do we need to create somatic expansion?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Where do we need to create mental cognitive expansion?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: How can we match these expanded thoughts with this safety in our body?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's when things start to move forward.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: So here's some other ways that I see upper limit problems combining with capacity issues, combining with creating chaos when things feel unsafe, and how we can self-sabotage.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: So, as an example, people will find out that their business starts growing, they start to make more money.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: And because they're now starting, things are starting to go well and success is starting to happen, the emotional wobbles get bigger.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: You might celebrate for a short period of time and then you start to panic.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: I've got to do this again.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: What if, what if, what if I lose it all?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: What if I lose my momentum?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: What if I can't maintain this?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly it the the wobbles feel bigger because they don't make any sense because you've got a result you were really working towards, and now you're like, oh my god, I don't feel good about this.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: And also when things start to go well, you may start to find that you actually create chaos somewhere else.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: So this is an upper limit problem.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you start to start arguments with your other half, or you start to sabotage your health, or you do something to make sure that you can't possibly be successful in every area.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen people who start to think about doing being more visible online, they're putting more things on their social media, they might be doing lives that they haven't done before, and suddenly they get into this thing of, oh my god, I'm so tired.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: I've got to nap.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, I'm so tired.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: And this one particular client was sharing with me that she just finds herself moaning all the time.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm tired, I'm exhausted, things aren't working, and she gets stuck in this loop of exhaustion and moaning, but it actually allowed her to not be visible because if she's sleeping, she's not on social media.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's as simple as these things, it's catching these things in the moment.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Another one that's really common is that you see an opportunity or you get given an opportunity.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know you could make something work.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: There is something bigger available to you, and suddenly you feel incredibly overwhelmed.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: You can't see the wood through the trees.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: And again, for some, that leads for me when I had that earlier this year.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like I felt so overwhelmed, so incredibly exhausted.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I allowed myself to stay in the exhaustion for a little bit too long rather than going, okay, what's actually going on here?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: So the reason that I want to tell you all these things is that I want you to start noticing for yourself what's actually really happening.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: In NLP, we call this the map is not the territory.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: What's actually happening or what you're experiencing might not be the real issue.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: So upper limit problems, just in just to give you a wrap-up, upper limit problems tend to be something where you're hitting a higher expectation for yourself.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Things might be going actually well for you.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're making progress, you're getting results, and somehow, unconsciously, you manage to start to create chaos or you make a problem somewhere else.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional and mental capacity.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, this can be mental and it can be like it.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: So it can be a cognitive capacity, it can actually be a physical capacity, and it can also be a somatic capacity, like you've never had that shape.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: It feels very unsafe to receive more, it feels very unsafe to be seen more, it feels very unsafe to be more successful.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so we have to stretch ourselves cognitively, emotionally, and somatically.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Being able to increase your capacity to focus on more than one thing at once and do everything at 100% without losing energy, without getting burnt out, that's entirely possible.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to be aware of stories that you might run that sound like I'm so exhausted, I'm so tired, or you create drama somewhere, or you procrastinate, or maybe another one that I get is withdrawal.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: People tend to retreat when things get hard instead of facing them and getting coaching on it.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to notice how maybe one of the sabotages that you don't see is that when things start to go well, when you feel decided, when you feel certain, when you have your plan and you start to execute, how quickly you can start to sabotage through some of these methods.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Raise your awareness to it.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: And ask yourself, who do you need to be?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Who do I need to be to make sure that I can do all this thing, these things without exhaustion?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Catch yourself in the moment, in the action or the thought that's unresourceful.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: And as I share with my clients, I use a 3A process.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Have the awareness, immediately create an alternative, and then act.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: So when you notice the thought or the behavior that's not helpful, what's an alternative that's more resourceful that's going to get you towards the results that you want and take an action on it as in as quickly as you possibly can?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've found this schmogis board enjoyable today, and we're very much look forward to speaking to you in the next episode of the Be More Lobster Podcast.