Latest / On Your Own Time Podcast / building my life at 40|| Irish Man in Lanzarote

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building my life at 40|| Irish Man in Lanzarote · On Your Own Time Podcast

• Declan Toland: Hi Barry, you're very welcome to On Your Own Time podcast, all the way from Landerati. barry: Yadaki, nice one. Thanks very much for bringing me on. Declan Toland: I know it's great. So Barry, we had a quick chat beforehand. So the first question I'm going to ask you is, you describe yourself as an Irishman living in Lanserotte and rebuilding at the age of 40. Before we talk about where you are today, what happened in the first 40 years that made you realise life needed rebuilding? barry: Right, so look at with any kind of addiction, I suppose, it all it all goes back to childhood drama and stuff like that, I suppose, you know. Growing up, I grew up in a council estate back in Naven County Mead. Er, we've We had a great life, as fairness. Well, we had what we were given, you know what I mean? We were never millionaires or anything like that. But my mother and father done the best for us and stuff like that, you know. But Looking back and it now, it wasn't the most ideal estates to be growing up in, like, you know, we grew up there was drinking drugs everywhere and stuff like that. Like now I'm not saying you didn't have a any chance and stuff like that, but when you're coming out every day out into the state looking at a there's a fair good chance monkey see, monkey do, do you know what I mean? So So that's that's where it all started. I suppose I was a shy child, but then when I went outside and started dabbling and drinking drugs, got the confidence to to get out into that world I suppose, you know what I mean? So it was an escape straight away from being a shy child out into the drinking drug world, you know? Declan Toland: Your medical point there Barry, monkey see, monkey do, like I grew up in a housing estate myself and a lot of my friends got into that, drug addiction as well. And drink was always from the age of 15 upwards, like people barry: Yeah. Declan Toland: at that age. So if I had to ask your closest barry: Yeah. Declan Toland: friend to describe you as a child, what would they describe you as? barry: Well, I would have been a shy child is up until about twelve years of age. And that's when I had my first drink, believe it or not, at twelve years of age, and then started smoking weed at thirteen and taking XT tablets at thirteen. So I would have been a very shy child up until then. But once I got the drink and drug into me at such a young age, I was escaping from being a shy child to getting the confidence in the drinking drugs. So it was like chalk and cheese at a very young age. Declan Toland: Yeah, and it's mad, isn't it? You're a shy child and drugs just takes over and gives you that confidence. And especially as a shy child, it just takes you out with a shell and it gives you that perk, you know. Did you play any sports, growing up barry: Played a lot of sports, played a a lot of soccer. I had had a lot of trials a as a kid and stuff like that, like with MDLs and stuff like that, like and then but as I says, when the drink started coming in at thirteen or fourteen that's when I I even soccer managers were trying to put their arm room me and stuff like that, saying look, you have there's people coming to look at ya play soccer and trials and Think there was lads coming from Peterborough to watch me play at the MDL one day, the Meeting District League. And I come in fucking half cut and everything, like, and the manager was there saying these scouts are here to look at you and a couple of other lads, like, and I'm stinking a beer. Like, I was only 14 years of age. But that was the reality, you know. Like, if it if I wasn't doing that, like only like you wouldn't know where you'd end up. What could have happened if I didn't go down that road at such a young age, you know? Declan Toland: And nowadays, looking back, do you see, it more frequent to happen to younger kids now than it would back then? barry: Well I d I think like well with the pub scene, the kids aren't in the pubs as much anymore. I think it's changing. I think it is more more more so drugs than drink. I don't think kids the younger generation are as interested in drink as much as we were, even though I was interested in drink and drugs. I think it's more so drugs and even new drugs. There's different drugs that are They're on this laughing gas now and stuff like that. So even times have changed going back twenty, twenty five years ago with me, like I I've they're into drugs and stuff that I wouldn't even know an about. So it's a different times, it's always Declan Toland: Barry, you posted on your page. barry: different times, you know. Declan Toland: Yeah, absolutely. You posted on your page that you spent much of your life searching for happiness in drinking drugs. What were you actually searching for? barry: Or Look it. I suppose I don't know what I was searching for. I was searching for for I like a I was escaping sk escaping reality and drinking drugs. Looking for happiness. Whereas I wasn't truly happy in myself. That's what I was looking for. I was looking for the happiness in myself, trying to put it into me with drinking drugs. Whereas it really wasn't there as such, I was only I was only borrowing them feelings, like you know. I need to deal I needed Declan Toland: Yeah. barry: to deal with my own feelings and find my own happiness within myself, but I was only borrowing them sharp short term feelings with drinking drugs. Declan Toland: When did drinking and drugs stop being fun and start becoming a problem? Do barry: Okay. Look, I enjoyed I always say even I was having a conversation with a lad down this morning at the beach. And he's in recovery as well, he just stopped me down at the beach this morning, had a good conversation with him. I don't I don't regret the early years I went to Raves, club scenes, poppin' pills. You know, I had a great time, I enjoyed it, I don't regret it. But I got to the stage when I got to thirty years of age where It just wasn't working anymore. I was digging a hole for myself. I was slowly burying myself, do you know what I mean? I I'd never put it down ram it down someone's throat saying you need to stop drinking, you need to stop doing this because at the end of the day I enjoyed it. But it just got to a stage where I didn't enjoy it and it was actually gonna kill me and it was fairly close to doing it, so that was just my story, you know. Declan Toland: Yeah, no, it's Barry because a few people had on about addictions as well and they always talk about it takes over their life and it gets to like, they can't even go for a drink at the beginning without having some sort of drug with them. So it became them having one addiction to having two addictions and two different. barry: Course. Of course. Addiction comes Declan Toland: So when did you know you had a problem? barry: in so many different forms, yeah. Declan Toland: So the people around you knew you had a problem before you had a problem? barry: I I knew I had a problem all my life, Decky. Deckie I knew I had a problem because at the end of the day I was always going out to the pub with n I wouldn't be going round like most people like with a fifty bag or a hundred bag of coke. I'd be going around with ounces in my pocket. I'd I'd be always the one to have it. I had a problem I had a couple of problems. I had a problem paying for the drugs And then I had a problem because I always had copious amounts of it. So when everyone else was going home and finished with it and they could say right they enjoyed themselves, I be still going. I keep going by myself. Do you know and that I always knew I had a problem like. a very young age, I knew I couldn't get enough of it. And it brought me down a road that I regret totally now. It brought me down a road that it brought me to a stage, Decky, where I was very close to doing away with myself about fourteen months ago. And that was God saying that was God more or less saying, I ain't gonna teach you a lesson here now, like. 'Cause I thought I had it all wrapped up. chasing drugs, chasing I was chasing, you know, something. And I believe that was God just teaching me a lesson just to show me what I needed to do in life. And get my shit together, do you know what I mean? Declan Toland: Yeah, it's probably a kick at the hole as well to say, here, cop on the fuck, you've won, you've won, life, start living it. barry: Yeah. A hundred percent, a hundred percent. It was like a a big reality Declan Toland: on it. barry: check. He was just teaching me a big, big lesson, yeah. Declan Toland: That must mean obviously you're lost in terms of mentally. barry: Absolutely, Decky. I was the kind of person for years. I always thought I was the man, you know, even though I was far from it. I always thought I was Billy Big Ball, so it was it was something that really needed to happen, you know what I mean? but it was like it was something that needed to happen, but I knew for for five or six years before before fourteen months ago, I knew I was sick of it and I knew the brain couldn't take it, but I continued to do it. Do you know what I mean? I kept putting myself in the firing lane for nearly checking out this world, d'y know? Whereas if I addressed it a few years back, I wouldn't have had the long road of recovery that I have ahead of me at the minute. Do you know what kind of way? people think Decky addiction and mental health you have to be on the side of the road with a cup tapping for money, like. That's what a lot of people think, like. People think to be to be on your bollocks, to be at your worst in life, to be at rock bottom people think you have to be sitting on the side of the road begging with a cup. That's not true, like. I was at the worst. The worst the worst of rock bottoms last fourteen months ago. And I had everything. I have jewellery, cars, watches, anything you wanted. But that was that was no good to me because I didn't want to be here. Do you know what mean? So people have to distinguish when you're at your rock bottom, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to have nothing. You can have it all. But at the end of the day you might have it all. But if your mental health is fucked You have nothing. Absolutely nothing. Declan Toland: Yeah, no, absolutely. And we see that a lot in men these days. The biggest thing about men is we don't know when to ask for help. Our reaction is, grand. barry: Of course. the Look, unf unfortunately, Dekie, that that's the way it is, that's the reality. Men and I was the same. That that's why I went through five of the worst years of my life. I thought it was not very masculine, it was not very manly to put your hand out. And I knew a lot of lads that went ahead of me in my hometown, Navin, that was in recovery. Even though I knew my head was fucked, I needed help. I I thought it was a sign of weakness. I thought I was you'd be half a man for asking for help kind of thing, Lick. Which in reality, now that I've done what I've done the last fourteen months, you're more of a man for being more in touch with your emotions and your feelings. It makes you more more of a man. In my it's not in my opinion, it's the truth, Lick. Declan Toland: So what did addiction give you at the beginning that eventually took away from you? barry: Sorry Deki. Declan Toland: So what did addiction give you at the beginning that what eventually took away from you? barry: Well what addiction gave me, I suppose, it was a life that I thought I needed. It was an escape. It was an escape from the shy child. Like I I'm on an emotional breadwork journey at the minute here and I think all addiction goes back decky to your childhood trauma. Stuff that you might have seen or that you were exposed to as a child. Like like my father, God loving my father died back in 2012. But he was a he was a big alcoholic. So we were looking at that as a kid. Not that we weren't brought up. There's a lot of people in addiction. That had it horrific stuff happen to them as kids. Me and my brother were brought up by two perfect mother and father. They cut they couldn't give they gave us what we could, you know, but we were still exposed to a lot of drinking. And brought I was brought into a pub a lot as a kid and seen a lot of shit. And I be but and it's good that life has changed since back then. Because that's the way it was back then. But I believe a lot of addictions. In my age group of 40 years of age, is because we were exposed to a lot of t that's the way it was back then. Kids were allowed in pubs. Kids were brought in and around parties, kids were brought in and around drink. The my parents weren't into drugs, but a lot of people was exposed to that as kids as well. And that's how they go down the road of drinking drugs because they're exposed to it as kids. That's where the the childhood trauma starts. That's what I believe, anyway. So as I was saying, I'm Declan Toland: Yeah, no, barry: on an emotional breadwork. journey at the minute. So I'm going back with the bread work and going back into my childhood and I'm dealing with a lot of that shit. I'm still only after starting that journey. It's a work in progress, but that's where I'm at at the minute. Declan Toland: Great Barry, it's great inspiration. Talk to me bit about BritWrk, what's this, what do you explain a bit more about that? barry: Emotional breath work, like it's I'm literally only after doing about two or three sessions of a decie, so I'm brand new to it. Like it's it bell belly chest let it go. It's like it's a form of meditation, but it's a form of like Wim Hof breath work. And it gets you into a it gets you into a state of mind with the right facilitator that you trust. It's like it It brings you back in time and you're releasing emotional trauma. It like it'll bring you back into dealing with It like for example, it brought me to into a stage now where I have a connection with my father. Some people might think this is crazy and I would have fourteen months ago with you, right? But It's it brings you back in time to where you're able to deal with a lot of shit that you may have seen or f feelings you weren't able to feelings that you were escaping from by turning to drinking drinking drugs from childhood, if you understand what I'm saying. Declan Toland: Yeah, absolutely. absolutely. And BrightWorks is actually very good. barry: It is it's it's a fo it's a funny one. Some people have have embraced it a a and said, Good on you Barry and all that but some people have said that's a bit too spooky, you're on one leg But trust me, it's a journey that is in a working process at the minute. Declan Toland: That's part of being, that's part of the culture we're around and the friends we're barry: Mm-hmm. Declan Toland: around at times. And sometimes tough love can be hard if your friends lost, some of your friends will say, go away you ebolic, you're over there breeding away. But from my point of view, in terms of like, I'm a military PTI as barry: Yeah. Declan Toland: well. And look at all, platters, yoga, all that stuff is all about breath work. barry: Of course. Declan Toland: So you made the decision to come sober, so talk to me bit about that. barry: Well as I said to Decky, I knew like I'm fourteen months over now, so about four or five, I'm forty years of age now, so I got sober about thirty-nine. But I n I really knew from about thirty-four, thirty-five, the head was burnt out from the drinking drugs. I wasn't as I said, I enjoyed a lot of the the partying for years previous to that. But from from about thirty four years of age onwards, I wasn't enjoying it. It was leav it was bringing me To a stage where I'd leave the pub with an ounce of coke in my pocket and I'd want to go home and start sniffing the coke in in the house or the bedroom by myself. That's where it got me. It was isolating me. And that's where the head started fucking up. It that it's mad, that's what brings it it. You might enjoy it for years and years and years. And it's great. Enjoy it if you're enjoying it. But it will eventually get you into a room by yourself. It'll isolate ya. And when it does, that's when you're in fucking big trouble, man. Declan Toland: You know, absolutely. Do you reckon it's a pathway? Like you said, you smoked weed growing up, cocaine. Do think there's an escalation of the next drugs, like the more serious drugs? barry: Yeah, yeah, it's true. Like I suppose weed was the first weed drink is the gateway to drugs. Like it's very rare you you start taking drugs without drinking. So drink would be the gateway and then the next gateway would be probably weed. Weed wasn't for me. I'm not even a smoker. Like the way my brain's wired, my brain wants fast stuff. So weed didn't really last too long with me, and that's how I ended up Go even going from weed to X D tablets at thirteen years of age because my brain s works so fast and it wants the fast life. So that's why weed wasn't a thing for me. But everybody's different. Probably drugs are different now. I don't know, like there's there's d different kind of drugs out there now, but Declan Toland: But you can see, I'm from Atlan, I'm living in Atlan obviously, but you can see any town you go into there's a massive amount of serious drugs around, there's a massive amount of homelessness in every single town now going around. barry: Yeah. There's a ridiculous amount of drugs round. Even going back when I was thirteen or fourteen years of age, you know, yeah e even when I was eighteen, nineteen years of age, for example, Dekie, it was har it was harder to get drugs, like, you know, you'd have to ring you'd have to ring a few lads and they'd ask they'd ring a few other lads and whereas now all you have to do is walk down the road and there's lads stopping ya. Whereas twenty years ago Two fellas might r have to ring another two fellas and find out, you know, that kind of way, like it wasn't as plentiful, whereas the place is just swamped with now. Declan Toland: And do you think Barry, it's more acceptable now? like people around the towns are actually the normal, people that actually are not addicted to drugs or drink, is it normalized? barry: Probably depends where you are. Like it was normalized for me anyway, in the in Avontown in the housing state I grew up in. It was very normal. Like you walk out the door and it was just there and you you're looking at drug dealers It's just normal when you walk outside your if you walk outside your door looking at it, it's very normal. Whereas if you bring it into a community where it's not as normal. People might start asking questions and stuff like that, but it was just very normal for where I grew up like. Declan Toland: Was there anybody who stood by you in retroverse? Anybody who helped you through it? barry: It was d I ended up, as I said, reaching out to a couple of lads that was in recovery. There's the Mead Community Drug and Alcohol Response. That's if there's a friend of mine that Stephen Rayleigh, I'll give him a shout out. He he runs the Recovery Cafe. They I'm actually doing a go fund me for them, Decky. I'm running the Lanzarote full marathon here on Lanzarote in aid of them. I'm raising a few few quid for them. But er That's who that's who helped me out an awful lot, that's who I turned to. You know th there will be people that will show you away and not kinda help you as such but then there is certain people that you'll always remember that did, you know. Declan Toland: It's true actually, a lot of people actually, it's the people you least expect are the best people to help you. barry: Yeah, exactly. Very much so, Deku. Even even with like y you reached out to me with the social media, like there's there's most people you will never meet are the ones that will support you for online, for example. Even since I started posting the recovery and Lanzarote and stuff like that, the biggest people that have pushed me on to keep going, to have me In the position where I'm talking to you today was absolute strangers keep telling me to keep going, keep pushing, I'm inspiring people are listening, stuff like that, you know. Like I went out for a run yesterday morning, Decky. I don't know if you're familiar with Lanzarote the strip, I ran from the Fariones out to play a Hondas, twenty kilometres. But I met at least seven or eight people, people I don't know, and they are there saying, Give fist pumping me and clapping me running past. These are strangers, you know what I mean? Keep going. You know, like it's it's crazy. People you don't know will be your best supporters in life. Declan Toland: But social media can be an absolute curse to people and it can be a negative impact. I think it's our responsibility to share the positivity of people doing well and helping others. Like you could be in Lanzarote now enjoying the sun and saying, fuck everything else, I'm looking after myself. But you're here trying to help others that were in the same situations you were in. barry: Yeah. Deki, if I if I come out here on a holiday and think, fuck everyone else and stuff like that, it's only a matter of time before I'd end up back in the same hold, you know? You can't forget where you came from. Like it's very easy to say, look, I'm fixed now and grand no bother, but that's not the case, like you know. You have to give back, you have to get you have to give back for what was given to you. Declan Toland: Yeah, addiction. barry: That's that's the way it works here, you know. Declan Toland: Addiction is never like addiction is not when you're addicted to something, you're never like everybody I even talk to you, you're always you're always an addict. It's how you you have that personality to go back to that. But the likes of having your followers and sharing stuff on social media holds you accountable. barry: Exactly. That's why I started Techie. Techie, I didn't know what what I was gonna do. I'm here now six months and I didn't really know what road I was gonna take for the first four months. And then a woman that lives here on the island, lovely woman like, she reached out to me, she's here years, and I had a good conversation with her. And it was like the the conversation she had with me just that we had a quick coffee for a few minutes and she inspired me that much. And she put the energy into me. And it's a it's amazing. People laugh, like you know, saying, you're on on one and that. But she the conversation and the word she gave me and it inspired me to go off. And a few days later I done a couple of posts on Facebook. And next thing, things just took off. So I just said I just kept going round in conversations that I had with that woman and I just kept going and kept going and kept going and kept going. Declan Toland: Savage. Why you land right here, Barry? barry: A lot of people keep asking me that. I'll tell you, Deki, I come out here six years ago. I have family living out here as well. And I was coming out here a lot since I'm a kid. But six the last six or seven years coming out here for years drinking the fucking head off myself. Bananas. And I have a lot of contacts here and stuff like that. And as it says family. But This is I j I j I just knew I couldn't stay at home with with the shit weather. When you're dealing with recovery, you're dealing with an awful lot of emotions. And then when you're dealing with the dark winters of home in Ireland, I just couldn't do it anymore. But so I came into recovery last June. Was it June? I think it was June. But I already had a flight booked out for here in November. So I was five months in recovery and I was actually shitting it. Coming out for the holiday last November because you know with the big drinking culture here. I just thought, here I'm not gonna last the recovery leg. But a friend of mine came out that I was in recovery as well, and we'd done I think ten days here. And I knew I knew then that I could actually handle coming out to Lanz Rotti and be sober. Because for years previous I used to come out here for three or four weeks and I drink that much, take that much drugs. I couldn't wait to get on the plane and get out of here. But When I come out last November, all I done was pure s my first ever sober holiday. And I just said Landorati's for me now. Sober. Because I exp it was the first time I experienced Landorati sober and I knew I I knew I could do it and I knew this was the place for me then. Declan Toland: And Barry, do you think change in your environment is a positive for others? Like just your voice? So for anybody that's in the same situation and just taking yourself out of that place, such as your friends, your bad vio, your bad circle of friends is just take out the environment. I think that's a good thing. barry: Yeah. It's a it's a big big thing. Techie, like when you're in recovery, sometimes life can get too much of like sometimes when you're in recovery and all you have is meetings back home and you're in the same environment, it's like you still have the ball and chain on that you you're afraid to travel and there's a big bad world out there. What I'm trying to show people is you ca you can still have your sobriety, you can still have your recovery, but you can still have your life too. For example, I think it was sat last Saturday I was down having a sea swim and a fella come up to me. A lot of people come up to me, shaking my hand, having conversations since I started the social media. And he came up and he was three months over. He said he'd seen me online and had a good chat with him, a very good chat with him and his wife. Like that's Fair play to him. There's a lot of people that won't do that because they're afraid and I was the same as well because they were afraid because you're taking them out of their their say bubble at home and coming out here, for example, and everybody drinks, they're on holidays and stuff like that, and everybody's afraid of that. But this man came out here and he's come out for three months or he's three months over and he came out with his wife and he came out for a 5k run with me then on the Sunday. So I'm trying to show people. You have you have the recovery community, it's everywhere as long as you put the connection out there. Recovery just doesn't have to be at home with the ball and chain on. You can still find people that has the same mindset no matter where you go in the world. Declan Toland: Absolutely, I'd say 100 % and some people just need someone to say, come on, come with me, help me out. And it's great to see people joining you, high fiving you, joining runs and stuff. barry: Course, yeah. Declan Toland: So was there ever a point in Lanzarote when you're tall? What the fuck am I after doing? barry: Every day, Dekie. Every day. But that's the same Declan Toland: You barry: at home. You could wake up you could wake up in the horrors of home as well. But at least I'm waking up in the sun well, most days the sunshine here. Declan Toland: Yeah. barry: Like it's it you're taking a risk no matter what you do. Recovery. You know you you could be you could end up fucking up a home as fucking up out here. You just there's a life to be lived. And that's just the reality, you know. Declan Toland: I'm looking at you there and you have a big light, a big sun coming in the window at you. I have big light here and a big light here trying to get a bit of sun on top of me but it's actually artificial light. So what has living there now? barry: there's not much sun here today, Decky. There there's a big climate. Declan Toland: Living in a land right now, what has it given you now that Ireland wouldn't have the big things and not the sun outside that, the outside factors? barry: Well, it's giving me the confidence, Decky, to start speaking my mind more so online. Because there's a lot of judgmental stuff. Like I never would have done this at home. I never would've been so open. Like I I was going into CA meetings and AA meetings, Decky and I I was barely opening my mouth. I wasn't telling my story. Whereas as soon as I got out of Ireland I got the confidence. Like I started being my own best friend for for starters. And then I started getting the confidence to speak my story, help people, inspire, where it's something I never would have done at home. I never like I'm telling you my story here and others online. And I I I c I couldn't do it with a room full of ten people and I knew half the room. I just couldn't do it. Whereas once you take a step out of your comfort zone and I took a big step out of my comfort zone moving to Lans Rotte, that's when you grow, that's when true growth happens. Declan Toland: I love it, I love it, because I'd be the same. A lot of people said to me and said the podcast, you're too shy to do this, you've distorted, you've this. And now I'm in the attitude saying, because I went barry: Yeah. Declan Toland: through this years ago, I'm in the attitude saying, fuck you. That's it, it's my life. I'd love to hear that. barry: Yeah. Yeah, exactly, Dekie. Do you know and as you said, touching back on you said you have a lot of positive people and a lot of negative people online. Ninety percent of the people are lovely and supportive, and I I couldn't thank them enough. But then you have the ten percent of people saying, they sell coke everywhere, the the the the drink the the all the drink everywhere lands right, you'll be back on the drink, you'll be this, you'll be that. And it's them ten ten percent of people that told me that I would fuck up out here. Why I'm on this podcast with you and why I'm doing so good and why I'm continuing to push forward to inspire people is to prove them ten percent them ten percent of people are the ones that's egging me on. Declan Toland: Brilliant Barry I love it and you know what, them 10 % people are absolutely not happy in their own life either so they need to have look at themselves as well. barry: Absolutely, Decky, a hundred percent. Declan Toland: So you've posted a few times, at peace here. What does peace actually feel for barry: Love the enthusiasm. Declan Toland: you now? barry: What are we diving into next? Peace, Decky. Peace has been comfortable by sit sitting with myself. You know, I made it my business not to be in any relationships. Not to gun go near women. Focus on myself. And that is being your own best friend. Being able to sit by yourself. Not relying on relationships. Not relying on someone at the other end of the phone. Not relying on somebody to Go and hold it. I moved to Lands Rotte by myself, for example. Do you know what I mean? As humans, we're always looking for someone else, a crutch, to go on holders with, someone else to go to the pub with, someone else to go for dinner with. And I see everybody looking at me as if to say, Is he alright? Like, I couldn't be happier sitting there by myself, having the dinner by myself. But if you go back fourteen months ago. I'd be ringing someone, you coming out for dinner, you coming out for a pint, or you coming out for this, coming out for that. Whereas now I'm at peace by myself and my own best friend. And I just I I just wouldn't have it any other way now, like, you know? Declan Toland: You're looking around now having dinner and you see a couple over there killing each other, a couple over there killing each other, a couple over here of kids running around the place. You're saying, fuck that. So you talked about rebuilding. You barry: Exactly. Yeah, ex exactly. No, you said it, Tecky, hundred percent. Declan Toland: talked about rebuilding at the age of 40. So what does it actually mean day to day? So what do you do day to day? barry: What I do day to day, Decky, is I suppose I d I'd I'd always have a bit of a plan what I'm doing the night before. Like I I have to have a structure. My mind runs ninety miles an hour. So I'm not the kind of fella I sit with myself in the evening, but I first thing I do is get out the door, I go for a sea swim, I go for a run, I'm training for this marathon, I go for the gym. I'm working trying to improve myself online. Making sure I get enough posts out, flooding the internet with posts. I'm not I'm not the kind of person just to sit there and do nothing. But Rebuilding I suppose, as I says, I keep touching back on you have to keep You have to keep Keep your yourself grounded. You know, don't be getting too cocky in yourself. That that's the main thing for me. Like I find myself I get too cocky and the head starts running. I have to keep myself grounded with rebuilding myself. It's a it's it's not like it's a I'm fourteen months over and I'm nowhere near fixed. I suppose I'm probably I'm probably only after emptying the bucket and fixing the hole. But now I'll slowly fill them back up the bucket, but I'm not gonna do it too quickly, do you know what I mean? Declan Toland: You have a new way now, so... barry: Exactly. Exactly. And Declan Toland: Finances, how do you do? How do you finance yourself? barry: with my with with with my rebuilding decky a lot of it is trying to help others. Now I want others to come along with me as such like like for example, that man I met the other day, I brought me out for his first five K. I was doing my twenty K run and he came for five K. I met him there again this morning and he's after saying he's feeling great. He wants to come now and do seven K with me on Wednesday. Stuff like that. I want more lads to come along. I want lads to not be afraid to come to Lands Rotten Hollers to know that there's someone here like me in recovery that I'd be gonna sea swimming, I'd be gonna out running, to know that you can live this life. Declan Toland: No, absolutely. We talked about finances. How do you survive finances over there? barry: Well lucky enough Dekie I I was touching around doing little pits bits and pieces for work and stuff like that, but I need to keep I know it's hard, you need to eat, you need to pay the bills and stuff like that. But I need I do I do need to work. But I don't want to be working all that I want to work it myself. I want to push Declan Toland: Yeah, of course. barry: push what I'm doing out rather than like I could go working for maintenance companies and stuff like that, Decky, but like I've had two operations on my hands as well. Like I've nerve damage in my hands and pff This is what I wanna do. I wanna ha Declan Toland: Yeah. barry: I even have it there. Lan lands a reset t shirt. I wanna have a warrior warrior retreats out here. This is what I'm pushing. I know I need to feed myself and stuff in between that, like and I will be doing bits and pieces of work and stuff like that, but I'm working on myself here now at the minute. Declan Toland: No absolutely, do you put, here sorry, do you put too much pressure on ourselves at the age of 30 and 40? Do we? barry: The age of 30 and 40. Yeah, I think a lot of the pressure did come on at about 30 years of age, Decky. I was in Australia for a lot in my twenties. And when I came back from Australia it was like I'll settle down here now. I'll have kids, I'll have a family, and this, that, and the other, because everybody else was doing it. So a lot of that pre that that was my a lot of my pressure from about I can think I come back at 32 years of age from Australia. So a lot of the pressure at that age is, I need to settle down, I need to have kids, I need to have this, I need to have that, because everybody else is doing it. So a lot of that was severe pressure on me. At that age, I think that's what took me down an even darker hole for drinking drugs, if the truth be known, putting that pressure on myself. Declan Toland: No, absolutely, absolutely. Are you happier now with less than you were? Like, so you're happier now that you have less money and let's say, cracker and pubs and stuff like that than you were now? barry: Yeah. A hundred percent Tecky. I chased money from the minute I open my eyes every morning. And it brought me nowhere, it gave me no happiness. Whereas we keep going back to people keep asking me what I'm doing to make money out here. As long as I've enough money to feed myself and pay the bills, that's all you need. We put way too much pressure on ourselves. It's crazy, like it's cr and it's it's it's pressure we don't need in life. You know, like you have to go and get Declan Toland: Absolutely, absolutely. barry: a mortgage, you have to go and do this, you have to go and do that. Like society will tell you that that's what you have to go and do, and the man has to go out and he has to go and get all the money and he has to do this and he has to do that. It's just that's what society will push push people to do. Declan Toland: You know, absolutely. So anybody that's in the same situation, Barry, we talked about you, how you set up these retreats over in Lanzarote. So anybody that's in the same situation, wants to get sober, wants to have a holiday and refocus barry: Yeah. Declan Toland: themselves maybe or reboot themselves. How would they do that? How would they make contact with you? barry: Well it's in the early I'm in the early days of of planning how I would be going about doing it, Decky. like I'm I I'm going down I was telling you I'm going down the road of the motional breadwork, so I'm going to go down that road. I'm going to be doing boot camps. We're going to be doing a lot of running. What I'm going to be getting men more in touch with their emotions, Decky. Making them talk more. You you can tell ma you can tell a man, look, go and go to the gym and be a man and stuff like that. But you can go to the gym and be a man and still be a broken man because you're not letting you're not letting all your emotions out. You're not telling what your feelings is like, you know what I mean? You're not dealing with all the trauma you might have had as a child. All you're doing is going to the gym. But that's what a lot of men think. They think, if I go to the gym, I do the right things, I'll be fine. That's not the case. You have to go back and you have to deal with your emotions. You have to deal with your childhood trauma. Go back and deal with and start again. Because i at the end of the day I didn't really have I didn't really grow up properly as a teenager because I was shoveling drinking drugs into my fucking body from twelve years of age. So my mind didn't develop. I my feelings, myself didn't develop. I was escaping. I was escaping from twelve years of age. So I need to go back from twelve years of age and start again in a in a certain way. That might sound mad to some people, but I I believe that's that's the way to recovery. Declan Toland: So it's true, you have to start from rock bottom to rock bottom as a childhood to make a better you. Yeah. So here you use the words men, soberity, discipline and brotherhood. What do them three words mean to you? barry: Sobriety I suppose is abstaining obviously from your drink, your drugs. Discipline discipline comes in many forms like You go to the gym every day, you get up and you do the same routine every day. Without discipline, you will not have sobriety. So I get up every morning, for example, Decky, I get up and I say my prayers every morning. I get up, I get into a cold shower, even though I don't want every morning. I get out and I do my journaling. They are the first three things I do every day. If I don't do if I do them three things every day, everything else will fall into place. 'Cause they are tr three simple things, but three things I don't want to do every morning. So that's that's the ta the tone for my discipline there. So then I'm out the door going for me sea swim, going for me run, what have you. So then the the brotherhood is it's like a connection. Like for example, that man approached me a couple of days ago. He said he seen me reels online, he's three months in recovery. That's brotherhood, that's connection. He connected with me online and then he came up to me on the beach. And then we had a good conversation. I was even speaking with him and his wife, and then we came out and we had a A run, he came along with the five K run, had a really good chat with him, and then I met him again this morning. That's brotherhood connection. Whereas when I start this retreat, say if I have twenty men coming together, these twenty men will have the same connection. And that's the brotherhood. That's it's the same connection and everybody can relate to to all the shit that went on over the years and they can have good chats and train together, stuff like that. Declan Toland: great, that's great. Do you think some friendships only survive because of drinking drugs? barry: A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Friends, what friends have I got really? I've one or two good friends that I'd still speak to. But at the end of the day, as soon as you come into sobr sobriety decky, you have to be your own best friend. That's the truth, like. People sitting people sit in the pubs. I've sat in the pubs for years with lads I've thought lads were me fucking best friends and stuff like that, but all it was was because the the drinking drugs was there. You take the drinking drugs out of any friendship. You'll see many people you've left. You're stripped back to yourself and then you're your own best friend. Declan Toland: No, brilliant. I'm actually I'm I'm in the process of actually I'm thinking I'm used to like me a few beers. So I'm in the process. I just last couple of weeks and saying, fuck this. I'm giving up drink. And the reason I talk to people that's in that barry: Right. Declan Toland: addiction and I'm it doesn't it doesn't play a part in my life. I have no interest in drinking anymore. So it's interesting to see your point of view on that and make is the first step to say, no, I don't want to drink anymore. barry: Well first things first, Deku. Not everybody's the same. Some people I don't I don't know yourself now, but some people can go and have three or four pints and go home. And fair play to them, do you know what mean? But you have them people and then you people like me. I'll tell myself I'm only going for two pints. But I'm lying to myself because I know I'm going for ten pints and I know I'm going with an ounce of coke in my pocket. Like I don't know, you you might be able to go and have three or four pints and go home. to to your family and stuff. So I don't know, but I will say if you're if you feel like you're sick of it and you really, really are sick of it, like, it probably is the time to stop if you're not enjoying it, yeah. I like I knew about five years previous to to going sober, I knew my head was fucked. I knew I wanted to stop. I kept saying it to me, I kept saying it to other people, but I kept doing it. I kept doing it until it was nearly too late. I kept doing it until I nearly drove the van into the ditch on purpose. Do you know what mean? So that's what I'll tell people. Don't let it get to the stage where you where you're at rock bottom where you think you might fucking drive the van into the ditch on purpose 'cause your head's fucking walloped with it. So if you're thinking about it and you think you're finished with it and you're sick of it, maybe it is the time. It all depends on the person. Declan Toland: Yeah, that's great. That's a great voice as well, because I've never been in situation that I want to hear. don't know when to stop. Years ago, probably years younger ago, yeah. But as I grew on older, I had a few points I knew when to go home. But the problem the next day, and you're talking about your training for marathons, I like my running. I like my training for marathons barry: Right. Declan Toland: as well. And it hasn't absolutely, as you get older, we all know that it's harder to recover. But it's just no interest. It's just literally no interest. I think the barry: Yeah. Declan Toland: biggest factor of men and the biggest factor in probably in everybody is, fuck, I'll go out there drinking. I wouldn't be any crack without any drink. barry: Exactly, yeah. That's the thing. And pff I suppose when I I have family here and a lot of family comes over, and I can go out now with them and they can have a few drinks and I can have my few drinks and have great crack. But as soon as the time comes where the cocktails of the shots comes out and the shit talk comes out, I just get up and sometimes I don't even say good night. I just go home and I see them the next day. So you can still go out and socialise with people. And when it just starts getting too much, your head's wrecked, or you're not enjoying yourself, just get up and go. You don't even have to explain yourself. Just get up and go. That's my advice there. But you can go out and have a Declan Toland: Savage. Am I touched? barry: life. Declan Toland: absolutely. I'm gonna talk a small bit about men's mental health and just asking for help, because you've been there and you've asked for help and people helped you out. barry: Yeah. Declan Toland: So, are men, are we good at hiding it? what really, are we good at hiding mental health and we're struggling? And what factors can people look out for? barry: it's hard to tell Deku, like you know, I suppose unless somebody actually opens their mouth and says the the they feel like killing themselves or they feel like driving vans into the ditches or the start tell you you don't really know. But in my case it was it was because of addiction. So you can look out for signs of addiction. You can look out for over drinking over Overtaking drugs, stuff like that. Because if they're over drinking or over drugging, there's nobody doing that that isn't suffering with their mental health. They mightn't tell ya. But they definitely are. So that's one thing to look out for. But you know unless somebody comes up and tells you, it's hard to say. You can just look out for the signs of the addiction part, you know. Declan Toland: What would you say to a man that's listening now? Who knows he needs help but is terrified and he doesn't know how to ask for it. barry: Ask for help, reach out, there's places, there's there's loads of people there. You mightn't think it, but there's any amount of people there that's willing to help. Don't let it get to the stage where you hit rock bottom. With me, it if got to the stage where I was driving to get more drugs and my head was that wrecked, I was swinging the van into the ditch and pulling it back out. That's rock bottom. Coming back to the house, taking more coke by yourself. Thinking people's coming back to attack you, hiding underneath your van, you don't want to get to that stage. If you know you can't handle it anymore and your head is fucked, reach out. Anybody in Mead, the Mead Community Drug and Alcohol Response. There's many of these associations all over the country. These people are here to help. And it's definitely not a sign of weakness to ask for help. In fact, it's the complete opposite. It's a sign of courage. Declan Toland: Savage. So talk a little bit about recovery, back to your recovery. So what's happening now? So you talked about your retreat. So what's the next five years look like for you? barry: The next five years, Dackie. It is early do early doors. I'm still trying to work it it all out in my in my mind. But it I'd like I'd like to to show lads 'cause there's a lot of people like me, Decky, that 'cause goes into the C A and A meetings and just cannot get it. Doesn't they're just not for them like. So I I I wanna show people that there's other ways to recover. Like you you can come out and come into the brotherhoods, you can speak about your feelings that's not in a in a C A or an E A environment you can make connections with people. Like it's it's it is it's an I just want lads to come out and find connection and train hard and be happy in themselves and come out and speak their emotions, speak their mind and and try this emotional breadwork. I'm gonna I'm gonna be pushing to be a facilitator with this emotional breadwork. I can't speak about it too much, Deku, because I'm I'm nowhere near qualified enough to talk about it at the minute Declan Toland: Yeah, you're in. barry: as a facilitator, but When I go through the stages of my breadwork journey and go and going to be a qualified facilitator, but it's very early doors. Like I I don't even know like I'm still on my own journey, I'm on my my own recovering emotional journey at the minute. But in time I'd like to show lads this this way of recovery. Declan Toland: And Barry, is it hard? You're talking about your still covering. Is there any hard days? you're still going through your recovery. Is there any dark hard days still now for you in Lanzarote in terms of mental health and addiction and what I want to just do it? barry: Yeah t trouble is only around the corner for everybody, Decky. You know, like and I I'll be totally honest. You're never you're you're never completely fixed. You're never completely out of the woods like. There about three weeks ago, for example, I was down at the beach, a real hot heat wave here, and I come up out of the beach with a dry mouth and I I needed a drink. And for about twenty seconds, Decky I was spotting out which bar to go for a pint until I snapped out of it and I realized Shapari you don't even drink anymore. So for them twenty seconds that's twenty seconds is a long time. You can cross the road and be in a bar and forgetting yourself for twenty seconds. Do you know? Like so you never know, you always have to I'm only fourteen months in recovery, do you know what I mean? I'm still learning how to navigate my way through life. You just always have to keep grounded. Declan Toland: What is harder, getting sober or learning how to live sober? barry: Getting sober I always thought was the hardest part, stopping drinking, drunking decky, but the reality is that is piss easy. The hardest part is dealing with your feelings. Dealing with your emotions, dealing with life. Because you're not you're not self-medicating anymore. Do you know what why do we drink or why do we drug? Weddings, funerals. You're dealing with emotions there, you know, Good days, bad days, when you're tired, when you come in from work. There's every reason to drink. The whole world is drinking. Do you know what I mean? It's It's a it's a minefield, a minefield of emotions. It's one thing I'll say to anybody that's coming in coming into recovery now. It's all well and good for the first month or two because you're you're watching, you know, you're you're focusing and not drinking, but once you get to two or three months, that's when the hard work starts. That's when you start dealing with your emotions. You have a bad day, something might happen, somebody might say something to you like. And there's nothing you can do. You can't go and grab a drink like you used to and self medicate to shut the mind down. You have to deal with that. You have to deal with it all full on. You have to sit there and say, All right, this is what this is what I have to deal with now. Declan Toland: what do people misunderstand about somebody in recovery? barry: what did a misunderstanding of people in recovery? I don't know, Deku, it's hard to say what other people think. There's one thing I realized. I don't focus on what people other people think. Or what their opinion is. Because it's irrelevant. I just have to focus on what I'm doing myself. I suppose a lot of people think Especially with the dr with the drug end of it the they think this fella's a a wrongin' like or it depends on the person. Some people embrace you and say, fair play to you or an inspiration where some people you can tell they might say they might say, well done, but you can tell when you tell your story to them, you can tell they're looking at you as if they say, he's a bit of a convict, you know? Declan Toland: Barry, I'm gonna finish up a few quickfire funny-ish questions. Is that okay? barry: Yeah, go ahead. Declan Toland: So what is something completely normal that absolutely wrecks your head for no reason? barry: Something that's completely normal that wrecks my head for no reason. You know, Dekie, I I'm fully sure, right, that I have ADHD, right? Because I have an appointment with an endocrineist back in Ireland, but I don't even think I'm gonna go back because I know I have ADHD, right? What it's completely normal is people walking nice and slow up the road. And if they get in my way, I'm trying to fly past them. I walk ninety miles an hour because my brain just flies. I can't sit there and wait. But that is one thing I've noticed. I Do you know when you come into sobriety you re you notice a lot about yourself? You notice you notice your true self. And I never noticed for years. I remember a lot of people used to always say to geez, you walk very fast. And I do. I fucking walk like as if I'm running. But I'm trying to get people out of my way and this and that, and everybody's moving slow. Everybody's always in my way, that's one thing. And I know it's completely normal for them to be doing what they're doing, but that just drives me mental. Declan Toland: What food does everybody love that you think is absolutely shit? barry: Red sauce. Red sauce, definitely. I can't Declan Toland: No, I love red sauce. Jesus. barry: I can't take red sauce. Red sauce drives me mad. No when telling her. I Declan Toland: you barry: don't know what it is. See, going back to something as a kid. Something happened but red sauce or something like that put me off it. Because I used to I think I used to have it as a really young kid and then something happened. And then no, red sauce was out the door and it still is. Declan Toland: It's gonna sound rotten though, but as a child, my auntie used to give me bangers a mash. Bangers a mash with a lot of ketchup on it and you'd cut it up. That was me as a child. barry: Yeah, you're a bit like my brother Dekie. He was stole madden the the red sauce as well. half a bottle of red sauce on his dinner. I think that's what me off actually, I don't know, but no, it's a no-go for me. Declan Toland: It probably did. So if you were arrested and nobody was told why, what would your friends in media assume you've done? barry: Arrested now Well, if I was arrested now, what would the tinker done? What would they think they done? I dunno, probably didn't pay some fines or something like that, I dunno. Probably Declan Toland: Yeah. barry: yeah, probably had outstanding fines that I never paid or. Declan Toland: your search history went up on the screen right now, how worried are you? barry: Very worried, Becky, very worried. You know when you when you do so much fucked up things and then you come into recovery, you're always waiting for your past to catch you up. Always like even from living in Australia and stuff like that, when I see emails coming up Australia, I think, Bollocks, what did I do in Australia? Declan Toland: Yeah. barry: Always very worried, yeah. Declan Toland: So is it Lanzarote forever or Ireland forever? barry: I'd say lands right forever decky. Dino I lived in Australia for ten years Well not about eight years I'd say and then got back to Ireland and that's when shit started turning south for me so I think the sun suits me and I suit the sun. Declan Toland: One thing you miss about Ireland barry: One thing I miss about Ireland. Even though I like the sun now here, Decky, the last six weeks has been incredibly hot. So I wouldn't mind a shower of rain for half an hour. I wouldn't mind an hour or half an hour of rainfall. That's just lately to be honest with ya. But to know, like I I'm not saying I'm finished with Ireland. I would like to go back and to know the green fields and You know, all you're looking at is barren landscape out here and it's lovely, don't get me wrong, but it's just not the same either two, you know. Declan Toland: Absolutely. if you could sit beside the man you were at your lowest point and show him where you are sitting today in Lanzarote, what would you tell him? barry: I tell him it's all gonna work out. It's all gonna work out. Don't mind the pressure you're feeling. It will work out, just have faith. Have faith in in the plan. Trust the process. Keep asking for help. Keep showing up for yourself. Declan Toland: Savage Barry. So here I I want to we're nearly finished now, Barry, but I wanna talk a bit about the marathon you're doing you're doing for GoFundMe. So we'll try to get a bit of get a few people donating to So talk to barry: Yeah. Declan Toland: me a small bit more about this and how do we donate. barry: Good stuff. Well, I have a link, a link on the Facebook page. I have a link on the Instagram. I'm still trying to get the link up in the TikTok. So you can donate that way there. It's on December fifth. Full marathon. It's the f first Marathon I ever ran in my life. Never mind. First time I ever got involved with a marathon. So do you know I actually met a fella in the Farion's gym and he he inspired me. I says, I'm gonna run the f the the half marathon. He says, No you're not he says run the fucking full marathon. I says, Alright So I'm actually running twenty K at the minute so I don't think I'll have an issue with it anyway so So yeah, so donate Declan Toland: Savage. barry: whatever you can. And it's all for a great cause, me community drug and alcohol response. They don't get enough funding, they deal with homelessness, addiction, mental health. You know, they're out the door with people back home, my hometown, Decky, and Navin. Not just Navin, the whole county, trim, the whole lot like they're out the door, they haven't got any key workers to deal with the people that's coming in the door and you know, they have a recovery cafe there. They they need help, they need funding, you know, it's it's an epidemic back home. And it's it's like f for years, for years and years, I I never even thought of recovery or addiction and stuff like that. But the amount of people that needs help is chronic. And they just ha people are torning up and they haven't got the the facilitator the facilitators there to help them for weeks on end and then they're back out the door and they're using and drinking and they're fucked up again, like. So they're turning up for help. And the help isn't there and then they're gone again. So the the fundraising that's needed for the likes of these organizations is chronic. Declan Toland: I'm actually training for the double Martin myself, Barry. It went to my fifth Martin. so I'm actually planning to be over in Lanzarote for n in November, end of November for a holiday. I'm making up with you and do a bit a long run with you. barry: Do Dakie, do a hundred percent. We'll we'll we'll hit the thirty K over. Declan Toland: Savage. So I'm going to finish off. I always finish off with the same question. After everything you've been through, what does on your own time mean to you? barry: On your own time. It's actually a very good name for your podcast, Decky. I doing recovery on my own time. You know, like it's you know, it's it's no rush. You can't you can't rush recovery. I thought I could at the start. I thought I could rush it trying to go through the steps and stuff like that. I says if I go through the steps, you know the the the boot work with the CA yeah, I'll get through the steps and I'll be perfect. It's not the case. Recovery is for life. Slowly, slowly, on your own time. Not everybody's recovery goes at the same pace as well. In recovery, you can look at someone that's two or three years ahead and you can say, I want what he has. But you still have on your own time, for example, you still have to do them two or three years. You can't be rushing ahead of yourself, or you'll end up back at the same place where you were. So I suppose on my own time I'm doing My recovery on my own time here on Lands Rotti. Declan Toland: sad. so Barry, I'm gonna share all your stuff on the YouTube radio on my youtube description and Spotify and I'm gonna share the GoFundMe link on it as well. And anybody's listening or watching this, go over to Barry's page and follow him because he his stuff he's sharing is very, very inspirational. And we're all jealous fuckers in the winter over in Ireland watching you enjoying the sun. So Barry, keep it up and thanks barry: Yeah. Declan Toland: very much for coming on on your own time. barry: Well man Dekie, thanks very much for having me. Fair play to you.