Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Your Wife Doesn't Care If Your Sex Life Isn't Mindblowing

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Your Wife Doesn't Care If Your Sex Life Isn't Mindblowing · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi everybody. And welcome to the doctors psych
• 0:08
  mom show. This is another awesome episode
• 0:11
  being partially recorded in the car while I am driving because
• 0:16
  it is free. So you cannot complain.
• 0:20
  If you hear any background noise, because the subscriber
• 0:25
  ones are always from my basement.
• 0:28
  So, you should just rest assured that.
• 0:29
  If you subscribe, you will never hear any background noise at all
• 0:33
  because those are, especially Recorded in my basement, Studio.
• 0:37
  Meaning, where I do my therapy, it is not a studio at all.
• 0:41
  So anyhow, today we are going to talk about why your wife doesn't
• 0:47
  really care if your sex life isn't mind-blowing, which in,
• 0:50
  and of itself is a mind-blowing revelation to many men, but I
• 0:53
  have a handy-dandy analogy to make you understand, and we will
• 0:57
  go right into that as soon as I tell you to subscribe because
• 1:00
  not only are all of the subscriber episodes.
• 1:04
  Not Corded while driving but also they are really good.
• 1:08
  And I'm going to be up to number 70 soon and I have all sorts of
• 1:12
  great topics and there was a, why stay-at-home moms get
• 1:15
  depressed? And there was ones about sex and
• 1:18
  there were ones about relationships and there were one
• 1:22
  of the most recently about why your wife does not want to have
• 1:25
  sex. If you have just yelled at the
• 1:27
  children, why she does not consider that.
• 1:29
  To be a very masculine aphrodisiac, like, some sort of
• 1:32
  Axe Body Spray but rather To be something that is real more like
• 1:37
  a chastity belt for her. So you should definitely
• 1:41
  subscribe and so let's get into today's topic.
• 1:44
  So there's so many guys were like so anxious that their wife
• 1:48
  is sexually unsatisfied and it's like so funny because, you know,
• 1:55
  like women don't think about this as I've really tried to
• 1:58
  make clear and Hammer home monogamous women.
• 2:00
  Think about their sex lives approximately never unless it is
• 2:04
  a complete. Dumpster fire meaning that the
• 2:06
  guy doesn't even know they're supposed to have an orgasm.
• 2:09
  So as long as they are having an orgasm most women are like, oh,
• 2:14
  okay. And then they wait until it
• 2:17
  happens the next time, you know, I mean, they like legitimately,
• 2:21
  I mean, this should be good news.
• 2:23
  Some you could take it as bad news, if you're already - types
• 2:26
  of thinkers, but women do not think about this that much, they
• 2:30
  really don't. It has nothing to do with how
• 2:31
  attractive you are or whatever. Monogamous women do not sit
• 2:37
  there unless they are very different than almost every
• 2:41
  woman that I know they do not or work with they do not sit there
• 2:45
  and like, you know, fantasize about their husband of many
• 2:50
  years, in bed. I mean, they don't, they don't
• 2:53
  because they don't have as much testosterone as you do, and it's
• 2:57
  monogamy, and they are mothers. 99% of the people listening to
• 3:01
  this, you know. And so if you are a mother
• 3:04
  You're thinking about your children at the same level as
• 3:09
  the guy is thinking about sex. So like the guy has sex on the
• 3:13
  back burner of his mind all the time during the day, that's the
• 3:18
  what the kids are for the woman. The kids are in the back burner
• 3:22
  of her mind, all of the day, if she's ovulating, maybe, she'll
• 3:25
  think about sex. I said, if she sees a hot guy
• 3:28
  she made think about sex. If she just watched, you know,
• 3:31
  50 Shades of Grey, she may think about sex, but it's not going to
• 3:34
  be like how You think about sex? It is not even the same species.
• 3:39
  It is like, you know, you are like a lizard and she has a
• 3:43
  mollusk. Like you are like, completely
• 3:45
  different species in the animal family, in terms of your sex
• 3:49
  drive. Those were just the ones I
• 3:52
  thought of which is like weird. But those are the ones, my son
• 3:57
  has a reptile and we just did some game where there was a
• 4:00
  snail, I forget what game headbands.
• 4:02
  This was an intellectual. All Delight as all children's
• 4:07
  games are. But anyhow, so she really
• 4:10
  doesn't think about your sex life.
• 4:12
  So, unless every time she had sex with you, it's worse than
• 4:14
  the time before and she hasn't had an orgasm since 1994.
• 4:18
  She's probably not thinking about anything if you are in a
• 4:20
  situation where your wife never has an orgasm and she's not on
• 4:24
  an antidepressant and she's not on hormonal birth control and
• 4:28
  she hasn't had sexual trauma. Then, you know, you probably
• 4:30
  have not very good, you know, in bed for her and you got to learn
• 4:35
  This just the facts. I mean, this is just the fact of
• 4:38
  the matter if your wife was unable to get you to have an
• 4:42
  orgasm. Would you not think that you
• 4:44
  also would have to work on things?
• 4:46
  Truly, she would write. So it's the same thing.
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  But in the case, which is much more common in for the people.
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  I see that the woman has figured out how to have an orgasm during
• 4:56
  most encounters. Then you're good to go, you
• 4:59
  know, like unless she brings up some shit that you have to work
• 5:03
  on, you'd assume you don't I have to work on anything and now
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  if you're seeing yeah but like she our sex life, it could be
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  like mediocre who wants to be that?
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  Who wants to be the mediocre sex life guy?
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  Like, I want to be the excellent sex life guy.
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  Here's the analogy. I'm going to give you to change
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  your life. You know how your wife is like,
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  super obsessive and crazy about her weight on her body and you
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  keep on saying it doesn't matter.
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  It doesn't matter. You're not telling her.
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  No, you're a supermodel because you're not a liar.
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  She's not a supermodel, she's like in her. 40s 50s should not
• 5:35
  a supermodel but she's beautiful to you and as long as things
• 5:40
  don't really become a dumpster fire, you know, you're going to
• 5:43
  be fine. You're going to still think that
• 5:45
  she's hot enough for you to be happy, and the amount that
• 5:50
  you're happy is not going to be very impacted by weather.
• 5:55
  She gains five pounds or she goes more to the gym or what
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  have you. So if you are in this more usual
• 6:01
  situation where you are a man who is attracted to his wife,
• 6:04
  Wife, you can certainly think of ways that her body could just be
• 6:08
  like this slamming goddess body. If she like, maybe I don't know.
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  It had extensive CrossFit sessions and possibly plastic
• 6:19
  surgery and she stopped eating solid food for a week or
• 6:22
  whatever. But like this is not going to be
• 6:26
  a make-or-break sort of thing and in fact your innate
• 6:29
  happiness level would probably go up by like that.
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  I don't know five percentage points.
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  It's Max before you were back on the hedonic treadmill and you no
• 6:38
  longer cared about her body being a little bit hotter.
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  This is how she cares about the sex life, truly truly.
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  So, it is not the same as you. It is not the same as you where
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  you think that if the sex life improved by 10%, your happiness
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  would improve by three thousand percent.
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  It's not like that. It's just as stupid as when she
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  says to you. But if I drop five pounds,
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  wouldn't you think that I was so much hotter?
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  You know, if she's if that's The thing or if the thing is, if I
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  didn't have cellulite or if my ass was smaller, or if my ass
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  was bigger, if my boobs were smaller from boobs were bigger
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  whatever and you're like no I wouldn't I really wouldn't
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  honestly notice care or whatever you know and you know probably
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  instead you say oh no I would rather you be how you are
• 7:27
  because you're a nice guy but either which way it really
• 7:30
  wouldn't make that much of a difference to you.
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  It really wouldn't unless you are one of these For you guys
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  that I have interacted with that get obsessed with their wives
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  bodies in which case this is no way to live.
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  That's not being very nice partner and probably you want to
• 7:43
  go into therapy to think about why it bothers you so much.
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  If she gains 5 pounds, the people whose wives gained 100
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  pounds. Obviously everybody understands,
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  you know, it's difficult when a partner has a profound change in
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  how they look. I've written about this.
• 7:57
  I've spoken about this etcetera, but if you are a man who is it,
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  I'll put it this way. It would be as uncommon for a
• 8:04
  man. Man to give a shit of his wife
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  gained five pounds, as it would be for a woman to want her sex
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  life to be 10 or 20% quote better, which most women don't
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  even have like an idea of what that would look like.
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  You know, so especially if they're already having an
• 8:19
  orgasm, if they're already having an orgasm there, like
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  they've read the statistics. They know not, every woman has
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  an orgasm, they were already pretty proud of themselves.
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  They're proud of you guys for having had sex.
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  They think they didn't. You know, they are having a
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  loving Matt rich and so they're fine.
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  They are pretty much fun now there.
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  But but there's always a but there this is within the context
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  of the more usual situation that I see where the man is, the
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  higher libido partner in the situation where the woman is the
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  higher libido partner. Then certainly she is thinking a
• 8:53
  lot about how the sex life is terrible.
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  And it's not what she wants and this and she wants to be desired
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  and she wants to know what it is to be with a man who is really
• 9:03
  into her. Sarah Etc.
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  Hold on. I thought that I wasn't
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  recording anymore. What a travesty that would have
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  been for you guys to have missed that whole rant, but anyhow.
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  So the point I'm making is this, unless you are in a situation
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  where your husband does not give you any sex at all, and that
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  makes you very, very upset, then, or he gives you way too
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  little sex and always begging him for sex, which is terrible
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  for your self-esteem. And that is, you know, there are
• 9:34
  Myriad reasons that that could happen.
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  I've, you know, had a podcast recently, On it may happen,
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  because of extensive marital conflict that saps, his
• 9:41
  self-esteem and his will to live, or it could be his own
• 9:44
  issues, such as low T, you know, not being in good shape, being
• 9:48
  depressed, etcetera, sexual trauma.
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  A range of things. But again, this is not what
• 9:53
  we're talking about. We're talking about the usual
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  situation where it's a high libido, man.
• 9:57
  Who is now become obsessive, refer to my preoccupied,
• 10:00
  attachment husband podcast, by the way, because these two
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  things go together, always pretty much.
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  The guy has become preoccupied. Not Just with whether she loves
• 10:08
  him. But if she is, having the sex
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  life of her dreams, she doesn't dream about sex.
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  How much clearer do I have to be women?
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  Do not think during the day, man.
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  Am I? Am I like truly sexually
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  satisfied. This is something out of, like,
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  I don't even know what, like, a MILF porn.
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  I mean, I don't even know, it's nothing, that is consistent with
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  how women operate in reality. They do not go around saying
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  things like that. Now, some of y'all are going to
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  be Yeah, but when we were fighting my wife told me that
• 10:41
  she's never been sexually satisfied.
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  Well, there's two ways to think about that one.
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  Is that she's really fucking mad at you for, I don't know what
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  you did. I don't know what you didn't do,
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  I don't know what she did or didn't do, but either, which way
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  she's really mad at you. She knows it'll hurt.
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  You is not our finest moment, but she's kind of bullshitting.
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  The sex life has been be, B, minus B plus over the years and
• 11:02
  she's just mad at you now, or you could be in the situation
• 11:06
  where you pretty much Much. No, it hasn't been a good sex
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  life. If you let yourself, think about
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  it, you barely have sex. She barely has an orgasm and
• 11:15
  you've been putting your head in the sand about it, which is the
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  situation of some men. And then they get mad, if their
• 11:21
  wife ever brings it up? Well, I mean shit, it was kind
• 11:23
  of obvious anyway and she just got she got sick of it enough to
• 11:27
  bring it up but probably you know what 10 years before.
• 11:30
  So those are the two different situations that makes it no less
• 11:33
  painful to hear but it is certainly not a situation that
• 11:37
  could have I've been predicted. If you were not with a regularly
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  orgasming woman that you are having a regular sex life with,
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  that's not a big shock that then she would have probably agreed
• 11:48
  with you that the sex life was subpar.
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  So anyway, what are you going to get out of this and take away
• 11:54
  from it? Maybe, if you're the type of
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  person who's been following your wife around asking, what you
• 11:58
  could do better in bed, or could, you know, researching
• 12:01
  what online, how to give better kind of Lingus, or what have
• 12:04
  you. And instead of just listening to
• 12:07
  my oral, X podcast which is subscriber only.
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  You know, if you're that guy maybe you could stop being that
• 12:14
  guy. Maybe you could just have a
• 12:15
  conversation with your wife and be like, you know, I'm always
• 12:19
  like asking you about if our sex life could be better.
• 12:21
  And you act kind of annoyed. Do you act annoyed?
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  Because as you've said to me using your words, overtly our
• 12:27
  sex life is fine. And you mean that our sex life
• 12:30
  is fine. She'll be like, yeah.
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  Like I've been saying that. What are you talking about?
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  Are you drinking? Are you drunk?
• 12:39
  Are you high? And you'll be like, no, I'm just
• 12:41
  trying to have an epiphany. That you actually have said,
• 12:43
  what you mean? And you actually are fine with
• 12:46
  our sex life at that point. You also may want to introspect.
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  And realize that what you have been wanting all along and
• 12:52
  projecting what you've been projecting onto your wife is the
• 12:56
  desire for a more adventurous sex life that you yourself have.
• 13:00
  So because you don't want to be like a selfish guy, you've been
• 13:04
  painting it as though, here I am doing all this research for my
• 13:08
  My wife to enjoy herself better but in reality you're the one
• 13:12
  who's bored with the sex life. So in that case, own it don't
• 13:15
  like keep on the gas. Lighting your wife, not that
• 13:18
  you're trying. But that's what the end result
• 13:20
  is by saying shit. Like, I know you're not fully
• 13:22
  satisfied. What could I do?
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  What could I do? She already said she's fine.
• 13:26
  She's having an orgasm, she's fine.
• 13:28
  She doesn't ever think about this, except when you're up her
• 13:31
  ass about it, which makes her want to have sex less.
• 13:33
  So, what you would want to do, in that case is to say, oh, I
• 13:36
  would like to try this thing in. It's so easy.
• 13:39
  I'll do the script again so you could write it down.
• 13:42
  I would like to do blank in bed and then you see what she says?
• 13:48
  I mean, some people who are so convinced that their wife would
• 13:50
  never try anything new have never even asked them to do
• 13:53
  anything pretty much at all. They have maybe tried to like
• 13:56
  move their wife around in some indeterminate really vague
• 14:01
  fashion during the act or they've made some sort of like
• 14:05
  joke about a different sexual act, which their wife Things
• 14:08
  I've as a joke. And they have never actually
• 14:11
  directly said, hey, I think it would be fun to try X.
• 14:15
  Let's try X. I want to try X.
• 14:19
  You know, I mean, there's some variations on a theme but they
• 14:21
  all engage. They all, are you engaging
• 14:24
  directly with the topic, not being shy, not being anxious,
• 14:30
  not being fearful, and rather being confident in that if you
• 14:34
  are married and you try to be a good guy and she is trying to be
• 14:38
  good Good to then if you say that you want something, she may
• 14:42
  well try it, many women do and the men that say that the woman
• 14:47
  doesn't try anything. When we go a little bit deeper,
• 14:50
  what they mean, is there was this one time that I made this
• 14:53
  joke about blowjobs and she acted repulsed.
• 14:57
  So I never brought it up again. And then one time we were
• 15:00
  watching this show on BDSM, I made a joke, she rolled her
• 15:04
  eyes. So I know that she's not into
• 15:06
  that. And I'm like, did you ever
• 15:08
  actually Julie asked her to do this thing for you.
• 15:11
  They're like, oh no, because I already know what she wants.
• 15:15
  The next time they come back if God is good and we are all
• 15:18
  Lucky. They have gotten the courage to
• 15:20
  actually ask her and honestly 50% shot.
• 15:24
  They did it. They did the thing that the wife
• 15:26
  supposedly would never ever do, because a lot of guys don't even
• 15:31
  ask because they're so scared. And this room can refer back to,
• 15:34
  I don't know if it's a podcast or I know it was a post-op care
• 15:38
  and so much. What your wife thinks now that I
• 15:39
  said it I think I did it as a podcast to.
• 15:42
  So anyway, what you gotta do? Leave this conversation,
• 15:47
  one-sided conversation. But that's what we do here and
• 15:51
  think have I just not been trusting, my wife, have I been
• 15:54
  projecting on her? Some sort of rumination about
• 15:58
  our sex life. That is really what I myself
• 16:01
  have. Is it possible that this is just
• 16:04
  a stupid to her as when she obsesses over whether her Sir
• 16:08
  saggy or whatever. The problem of the day is that
• 16:12
  she thinks that I think about that.
• 16:13
  I don't ever think about ever probably it is.
• 16:17
  So you can use this as a real breakthrough moment to say women
• 16:23
  don't think the same as men about this usually except of
• 16:26
  course again if you are the the rare rare rare low libido man.
• 16:30
  Listening to my podcast in that case.
• 16:33
  Yeah, she's unhappy, she's really unhappy and you got to
• 16:36
  figure it out. I would get into couples.
• 16:38
  Sling after you get the Low T checked.
• 16:41
  But in the case, that everybody is usually.
• 16:44
  And if they listen to my sex podcasts, they are the high
• 16:47
  libido male or the low libido woman, who is being forced to
• 16:50
  Listen by her High libido husband.
• 16:52
  And in that case, she serious, she doesn't think much about the
• 16:56
  sex life at all. She thinks it's alright if she
• 16:58
  wants to try something else, she may tell you, she may not show
• 17:01
  yourself to be open to sexual feedback as I made a podcast
• 17:05
  about by being a genuinely open. Touchable, positive, kind of
• 17:10
  dude. And in that case, she really met
• 17:13
  at some point. Say no.
• 17:14
  I actually don't like X. I like, why?
• 17:17
  But she never going to do that for two reasons.
• 17:20
  Once she really doesn't care enough.
• 17:21
  As I hope I have hammered home and be.
• 17:23
  You respond like you're about to die.
• 17:26
  Like you've just been like, this is the, you know, Julius Caesar
• 17:30
  getting sorted, no sorted. Kind of words that stabbed with
• 17:34
  a sword by Brutus. So if you act like that, she's
• 17:38
  never gonna give you You any feedback.
• 17:39
  But remember the new thing that you've learned, which is that
• 17:42
  she usually doesn't give a shit enough to tell you about
• 17:44
  feedback because to her this discussion is like listening to
• 17:47
  whether or not the cellulite on her ass makes you love her less.
• 17:51
  It is an annoyance to be powered through with in a heterosexual
• 17:54
  relationship and nothing that has any relevance to how you
• 17:58
  actually view the world, your relationship, your wife, her ass
• 18:01
  anything. All right, hopefully that was
• 18:04
  fairly straightforward and it added some sort of value to your
• 18:07
  life into your day. A and I will talk to everybody
• 18:10
  soon.