Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / What's The Only Way To Ensure Everyone Likes You?

Transcript

What's The Only Way To Ensure Everyone Likes You? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show today we're going to be talking about a foolproof
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  method to ensure that nobody hates you and possibly even that
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  everybody likes you. But why this may not be the
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  smartest way to go about your life before that.
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  I do want to say to subscribe because I have awesome
• 0:25
  subscriber episodes almost up to 90 of them including the oral
• 0:28
  sex on women, which is the big one everybody likes.
• 0:31
  And like, you know, loads and loads of Others.
• 0:35
  And also, if you go to Dad's, starting over is website, you
• 0:39
  can get the recording of my event with him, which has some
• 0:43
  funny excerpts on my Tick, Tock, if you follow my Tick Tock.
• 0:47
  So, that thing went well, by the time you hear this, this that
• 0:50
  will have been multiple weeks ago, but it was fun.
• 0:53
  So obviously follow him to, he has all of his various social
• 0:57
  media to anyway. So speaking of tick-tock
• 1:03
  Tick-Tock is Sort of platform. I do get plenty of crazy.
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  Nasty, a comment on all platforms, but Tick-Tock is
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  really a new level, you know, like people say, all sorts of
• 1:16
  crazy shit there. So and some of my people, my
• 1:22
  Facebook group get upset on my behalf because some things that
• 1:25
  people say really antagonistic obviously and anybody that's in
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  even remotely in the public eye, despite that I am.
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  Nowhere near truly in the public eye, but still even if you have
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  any sort of social media that is remotely what people consider to
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  be public than they have no qualms about going after you,
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  you know, about how stupid and uninformed, you are about
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  whatever. So so they ask like how do I
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  deal with it and it's true, like, you know, it can be
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  hurtful especially like when you're doing a live and people
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  are commenting like nasty or sexual comments or something,
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  you know, as you go. Really got to ignore it, you
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  know, and keep on going. And they asked me like, you
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  know, like if it bothers me and yes, sometimes it could bother
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  me, specially, whatever my mood was that given day.
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  If I'm already feeling bad, you know.
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  It depends honestly on the side of the bed, you wake up on how,
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  you know, how much to heart, you take nasty things, but the
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  reality is, and I say this to my kids that I really do try to
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  live into it, and it's easier and easier.
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  The older I get, There is the only way to make sure that
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  everybody likes you is to have no opinion about anything and to
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  not succeed at anything. Because as soon as you succeed
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  at anything, people are going to think that you are, you know,
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  kind of in a different place than them.
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  They put you in this other bucket of somebody who kind of
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  almost deserves to be thought of badly.
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  Because you know I mean basically as I say to my kids,
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  the president fifty percent of people hate the president.
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  President is a huge success to become president of the United
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  States of America's pretty, pretty good.
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  You know, I mean pretty good Career Success there and even
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  them all of the people that didn't vote for them.
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  Usually can't stand them. So if you succeed, then you're
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  already putting yourself into the public eye and I mean
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  succeed, I really anything any boss.
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  For example is going to have people that hate him just
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  because he's the boss literally, only the reason why, because
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  they're not the boss and they think that the boss Boss has
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  more power than them, so then they're going to hate them, you
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  know, some people will hate anybody who's in power at all.
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  So one good way is to never succeed at anything.
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  And another good way is to never have an opinion because as soon
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  as you have an opinion, then people disagree with the
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  opinion, you say x, they think why?
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  So all of the why people aren't going to like you, you know?
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  And so if you go through life and you don't want to succeed at
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  anything, you don't want to have an opinion, then you have a good
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  shot that, you know, more people will like you than not.
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  However, is that really a way to live your life because it's, um,
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  you know, it sounds maybe simplistic, but it's really an
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  eye-opener to think. Man, if I share any opinion,
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  somebody's going to be mad. So it's like, what am I going to
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  do? Share, No opinions.
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  Then how could I possibly have any sort of a utility really as
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  a psychologist? You know, or for whoever's
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  listening, whatever your job is if you never take a side on
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  anything you have No deep feelings about anything that you
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  communicate? Yes, it's likelier that you will
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  be more likeable because people can basically at that point
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  project on you, their own opinion.
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  So they would say, oh, you know, I'm sure that nice lady agrees
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  with me about X just because they think that I'm some nice
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  lady. But as soon as I come out
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  saying, why can they could be personally, they could feel bad
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  because you know, now we're not the same, they were, I don't
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  agree with them so then they can make all sorts of other
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  assumptions about my character. But it is a big step I think of
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  mental health to be able to realize that everybody's not
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  going to like you and that that's okay.
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  And if you worry about everybody liking you that it's going to
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  stop you in various ways from moving on in your life.
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  Whether that's career family relationship.
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  So, how would it work with relationship?
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  I talk about it all the time when people I talked about it
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  with men in particular with the whole stop caring so much.
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  What your wife thinks idea if men are too to worry that their
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  wife isn't going to like them about something that they say,
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  some opinion that they have a big one, is wanting sex in a
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  marriage, right? Then they are going to bend over
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  backwards, trying to just make her like them, but they're not
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  going to feel good in the relationship because I don't
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  feel like they're authentic self.
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  They're never really able to say anything that goes against their
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  wife in their mind. They can't, you know they shut
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  themselves off from doing that because of their wife will like
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  them as much and then they don't get their needs met in the A
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  ship and this is same on the other side, on the other gender
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  divide with women, who are people Pleasers and they just
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  defer and defer to their husbands endlessly.
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  But then they increasingly grow distant feel like the husband
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  doesn't really know who they are, but have they really given
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  him a chance to, you know, in these situations you have to
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  think of, I really given my partner a chance to know who I
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  am. Or am I so obsessed with that?
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  They won't like me, if they find out who I am that.
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  I haven't really given them a fair shot.
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  And this is the same with family, with friends, obviously
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  at work, as I said in relationships.
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  And I mean, in any sort of Arena that I can imagine, you know,
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  it's interesting because I think, as I said this before,
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  like I used to have zero use for sports at all, you know, I'm not
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  athletic. I don't give a shit.
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  I don't wear the know, the team's where I live most of the
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  time but I'm learning more and more that people who have had a
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  background as athletes. That have been part of team
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  sports usually are better at receiving feedback.
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  I think possibly one reason is because they've already been in
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  a situation where people don't like them literally because of
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  their team, you know, and it's like a real mind.
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  Fuck. You know, for like a child
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  basically what a lot of people start sport to, you know, think
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  that whole team over there, hates me because I bought this
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  team, you know, and and it, but I just not going to be on this
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  team like I am on this team and so they all hate me because I'm
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  on this team, but yet this is my team.
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  So that's just kind of going to be how it is.
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  And it's interesting to think about you know how that sets you
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  up to maybe be more open-minded in your later life.
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  About yes. Some people just aren't gonna
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  like me and there's like nothing I could do about it unless I
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  want to totally not be true to myself and not accomplish any of
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  my goals. So it is really, it's really
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  important for people. Who struggle with
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  people-pleasing with people who struggle with a Workhorse
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  mentality, which is basically being a male people pleaser,
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  according to stuff that I've written, you know, where like
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  you feel that you are job, is to kind of make everybody's life
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  easier and just work, work work, you know, like an animal farm.
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  The donkey I think was just I will work harder or the horse,
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  maybe it was and and that's the response to any situation, but
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  no matter how hard, a Workhorse type of Personality were, Oops,
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  you cannot make everybody like you, you cannot make everybody
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  happy. And so you've you end up
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  sacrificing all of your mental and emotional and physical
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  strength to nothing. Because you try and try and try
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  and try, and you cannot make everybody like you.
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  No matter what you do, you certainly can't make everybody
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  happy. No matter what you do.
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  So at some point, when people are in therapy, it becomes like,
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  kind of an epiphany. That if there's no way to To
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  live a truly authentic life where you're working actively
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  toward goals, whether they are interpersonal or otherwise
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  predominantly we talk about interpersonal but frequently
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  talk about career. Everything you know we talk with
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  your therapist about all aspects of your life so there's really
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  no way to be wholly committed to self development and to forward
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  motion and to growth if you're constantly perseverating on
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  whether people like you because just By definition of being at
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  all thought of as successful or having any opinion at all,
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  people aren't going to like you. This doesn't, this doesn't mean
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  in any way that that it's, you know, that that you can get to a
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  place where no comment will ever mean anything to you and you
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  will never have a physiological reaction to somebody saying.
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  Something harassing of course it's just being human.
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  You'd be a sociopath if like Nothing ever, you know, impacted
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  you at all, you know, right. I mean there's got to be some
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  level of comment from some person that's close enough to
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  you that of course, you know, like, you know, a man could be
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  like a real powerhouse in business.
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  Let's say and really in actual truth.
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  Testosterone really does make you more confident and more
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  aggressive. So I do see many more males than
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  females and females also struggled with depression and
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  anxiety. Depression, makes you very
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  rejection sensitive. So biologically.
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  There's a lot more men that could let feedback negative
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  feedback roll off them, then women.
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  But even those men, there's somebody close to them
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  frequently, the wife or the child, where negative feedback
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  is extremely powerful and they cannot detach from it and this
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  stops them from seeing the situation.
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  Clearly. So a man who's a real
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  powerhouse. So today in the boardroom making
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  deals people hate him doesn't give a shit dad That guy, if his
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  son says something to him like, you know, you were really, like,
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  a bad little league coach that, man could want to die in that
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  moment. He could feel so bad, you know?
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  And that would be like totally normal and healthy indicates
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  some sort of, you know, feelings.
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  Feelings are always good and human being we're not robots.
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  But even with that you know, you want to be able as you grow more
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  and more as a person. You want to be able to say, why
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  is my kids That what does my kid?
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  Think about me right now? Is it more about my kid than
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  about me? How can I best support my kid
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  and deal with this interaction? Not taking it?
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  So personally that I say something terrible, like, yeah.
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  Well maybe if you were a better fucking little league player,
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  then I would have been a better Coach, right?
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  Because I mean that would not be the thing to say so you know, as
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  you mature it's not like you are not going to ever take anything
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  personally but you will increasingly Be able to see that
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  the things that people say really just about them.
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  You know, it's really just about them.
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  The fact that they have an opinion and the opinion isn't
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  the same as yours. So then they make all of these
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  other assumptions about you and then they're mad and it's it
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  kind of does not really have much to do with you.
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  And this doesn't mean that you don't do anything wrong, of
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  course you know if you if you were a bad little league coach
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  you know I mean or what have you but I mean you can accept You
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  back, but a lot of maturity and ability to handle it to personal
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  situations better. Which is kind of the point of
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  why a lot of people come to therapy is that you understand
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  what, to take personally and then how to deal with that.
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  And what part is really, just due to something that has
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  nothing to do with you. That's all in the other person's
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  head. Now, of course, it's easy.
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  When you have like no engagement with somebody, you know, like I
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  post something, let's say on Tick Tock that you know.
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  No, females don't have spontaneous desire frequently
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  with in monogamy. So then you know, somebody's
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  going to say something like, well you're just getting women
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  off the hook and in fact women are lying cheating bitches and
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  in fact they do have spontaneous desire where you're wrong, they
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  just don't have spontaneous desire for you.
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  They have it for their Affair partner and that's why most
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  women cheat. You know, I get like a lot of
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  like ramps. Like this, right?
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  So obviously that's fair enough, it's fairly obvious there.
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  That's like a layup to see this person has his own problems.
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  Is right? And I've gotten so many comments
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  like this. It's public all over my, click
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  talk and stuff, especially when I posted something that said
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  that women don't cheat frequently, so it's a very good
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  example. So I posted something that said,
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  where there's rates of cheating in relationships or 13 percent
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  of women cheat in marriage and 20% of men.
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  So in all the men who got cheated on got upset, you know,
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  why did they get upset? Because they don't like to think
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  of it like this. They would rather think that 80%
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  of women cheat because it would make them feel better.
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  So then they, you know, came descended onto my Tick-Tock and
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  Facebook. A told me how wrong I was and
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  how were terrible? I am and I don't understand
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  psychology or people and I have all of this stuff, right?
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  So it's easy to see, then easier to see that.
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  That's about a trigger. But let's say, again, it's
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  within a relationship and you are married and your spouse says
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  something to you. Like man, you don't understand
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  this or that or whatever you're just so stupid.
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  Well, it's really hard to not. Take that personally.
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  And so the you got to kind of Try to see those things as on a
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  spectrum. Yes, I'm sure you contributed to
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  to the reasons why your spouse is saying whatever thing to you,
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  but it's not all about you despite what they say.
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  This is so much of my job is helping people not take things
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  personally, and so many people have written in saying, wow,
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  after listening to stuff on sex, I totally think about my
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  relationship different really her sex drive.
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  Doesn't have much to do with me, and it's like life-changing and
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  then the guy tells his wife. Wow.
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  How your sex drive doesn't have much to do with me?
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  She says, I was telling you that for 20 years, you know?
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  So, you know, so not taking things personally or on the
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  other end like frequently when I'm talking to women and they're
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  so upset that the guy is in romantic or sensitive, and then
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  we're thinking was, he ever does?
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  He have any evidence even with the children that he loves that
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  he could be like this sensitive responsive person?
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  They're like, why? No, I guess he really doesn't.
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  You know, he loves the kids but he doesn't barely remember their
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  birthdays quite honestly. So I mean I guess I guess he
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  just can't do it that guess. It's nothing to do with me.
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  And these moments where you realize stuff is not about you
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  is they could be really transformational.
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  So to sum up most things that people say nasty to you are
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  nothing about you and about them, you know?
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  And if you could move forward past that, then that's like a
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  real gross moment. And if you the only real way to
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  make sure that never happens is to never have an opinion and
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  never express yourself at all, never succeed at anything and
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  just What kind of hide in a closet for your life and how
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  does in a way to live? You know, I mean that's not
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  going to be a very fulfilling life choice for most people.
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  Most people want to at least feel that they could express
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  themselves openly in some way and move through the world
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  somewhat freely, having thoughts, you know, and
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  opinions. So hopefully this gave at least
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  anybody a different perspective on it or at least an
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  aspirational idea of How to like when you would see in your self
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  improvement Journey, which hopefully most people are on,
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  otherwise you really been listening to the wrong podcast
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  for many months, when to see that you're getting healthier
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  and more mature, is when you can very readily say, oh I think
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  that that is Mutt. Not really about me, you know,
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  it's hurt to hear it but more I think about it.
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  I think it's about something else and I'm going to work on my
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  contribution for it. You know, like I'm going to
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  think Hmm, like I guess my wife is mad about this this and this
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  I seem to be able to work on those things.
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  But also, in a larger context. Is it all about me?
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  No, it's not. She may be depressed.
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  She may be unhappy with other things.
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  You may not be feeling fulfilled.
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  These may be left over empathic ruptures, like there, maybe
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  there's a whole context, she may just be in a bad mood.
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  Oh my god. Wow!
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  Happens to everybody. You know, and of course, same if
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  it's you know, a friend or co-worker well, whatever.
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  So that is my point is the and there's a good book actually
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  that a lot of I have best life Behavioral Health is my group
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  practice and already two people cuz I always ask them.
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  What's your favorite book that you would recommend to clients?
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  Because, of course, I recommend books to Glides all the time and
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  at least two of them. Now, have said The Four
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  Agreements by Miguel Ruiz, something like that.
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  I'm probably butchering that title or the name, either way I
• 18:02
  did. And look at it yesterday, I was
• 18:04
  in a bookstore and it talked about much similar thing about
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  the need to really, you know, kind of detach from what people
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  say about you and understand that.
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  It's about them. So that is a book that is vetted
• 18:17
  by a couple of my best life therapist.
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  That's also always place. You can go for therapy by the
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  way, best life, Behavioral Health.
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  And so maybe if you want to do some more reading on that idea,
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  I just saw I just flip through it.
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  So maybe I'm totally wrong but I do I am literate.
• 18:32
  So I do think. There was some, there was some
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  overlap, but then I, of course, had to leave the bookstore
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  because whenever you go anywhere with multiple children, you
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  know, you can't leave, you can't read a damn book, you can't
• 18:43
  really get it, do it. Alright?
• 18:45
  But either way, I will talk to everybody soon.
• 18:47
  Hope, this was useful and have a great day guys.