Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / 9 Bucket List Sexual Experiences

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9 Bucket List Sexual Experiences · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody and welcome to this episode of the doctor psych mom
0:09
show we are going to be talking about nine bucket list sexual
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experiences. And this was a pretty popular
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video that I did seems like this resonates with a lot of people
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and the bucket looks list experiences are really not what
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you might think. We are not talking about crazy
0:27
shit here but we will get into that right after I tell you to
0:30
subscribe my neck subscriber episode will be tomorrow or the
0:34
next Next day, when they come out and before that we have,
0:37
your wife, may be a far more involved grandmother than you
0:40
expect oral sex on women. A lot of stuff about boundaries,
0:44
let's see. Oh a popular one was when you're
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arrogant and condescending often the only way your wife can
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assert herself is to feel no attraction to you and the
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benefits of having sex, when you're not already feeling
0:56
close, and yes, you are supposed to interact with a soft penis.
1:00
I mean like I got a lot of good ones and there's a kind of
1:02
pouring that can help with sex lives.
1:04
And it's not what you might think.
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Anyway, so subscribe and you get all of that.
1:09
Also, always, if you do need therapy or coaching, go to my
1:12
practice, best life Behavioral Health, I have coaches, I can
1:15
work in any state and I have therapists that are licensed in
1:18
the state that they're licensed in which are various States,
1:21
many in Maryland. And but I have a lot of other
1:24
ones too. Okay, so moving on.
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All right. What are the bucket list
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experiences? What do I even mean by bucket
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list experiences? So first of all, My bucket list
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kind of means like something you want to do before you die.
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But I mean, most of these things aren't just something.
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Somebody wants to do, once they were experienced, is there
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things that people want to really partake in, you know, as
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part of their sex life. And I've gathered this list from
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basically, talking to people for many years in therapy,
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especially people, who are dissatisfied with their
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marriages or their sex lives. And so the average person Not
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does not really have a wild sex life, you know.
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And I've realized that more and more and more that many people
2:13
their fantasies are often not, they don't make it to reality,
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they don't get to act out their fantasies because they don't
2:20
have the confidence to lead with their sexuality when they are
2:26
looking for relationships. And many people, particularly
2:29
those who struggle with self esteem or self-worth issues, do
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end up with Partners who can Be somewhat rejecting in the East
2:37
fear of sex and affection. And and it's like people don't
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select on these things. So there's like a lot of there
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are men. Of course, who will say, of
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course I wouldn't date. Somebody who doesn't go down on
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me, but then there's other men who just do date a woman who
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wouldn't go down on them despite that being like a pretty big
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thing like guys want and it will be out in the bucket list when I
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get to that. But they just kind of don't
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think they could get somebody who would like that or they just
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as Doom. That that's the way their life
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works and it's those people that really need to work on their
3:12
self image because these yearnings don't really go away.
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In fact, they seem to increase greatly in midlife because at
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that point, you know, you're halfway through your life and
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people start to think, is this just the way it's going to go
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that I don't get pretty kind of normative things that other
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people get, I just don't get them and that starts to feel
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increasingly unpalatable and intolerable The greater, you
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know, your self-esteem gets as your self-esteem increases as it
3:42
can with therapy with age, you know, from from just doing
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better and life and your career perceiving that you are, in
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fact, a valuable person, which is great, you know, that that
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growth is great. But then it can make you feel
3:56
more dissatisfied with not having certain things.
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And you could use this posed or podcast to A discussion, you
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know, a discussion that where you talk to your spouse and you
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say I'm really not comfortable never having these things, you
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know, at least some of them at least one of them or something.
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All right so that that's enough. That's enough of an intro.
4:20
So let's get to what some of them are right.
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So the first one is to be pursued sexually.
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So, a lot of guys in particular, I've gone for their whole life
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without a woman, pursuing them for sex or even initiating sex
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sometimes. You know, and why do men and
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women both like this, it makes you feel desirable and makes you
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feel like you're attractive and you're appealing.
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And that you're really a sexual entity and people aren't just
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having sex with you because like, you're such a nice person.
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That's not really what people want on a deep level in terms of
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why somebody would want to have sex with them.
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It's not like just because they're like a great guy / gal,
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it's because you want them. You actually feel desire for
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them and this is a major Thing that people want is to see
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desire in the face and the actions of a partner.
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The next one is a partner taking control.
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So I've discussed this a lot. You know, I'd had a whole
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podcast on why men want women to take control.
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I have a post on when well, you know, women want men to be more
5:22
dominant and this is an outgrowth of the being pursued
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sexually but even more, right? So within the sexual interaction
5:30
itself, you know, that the person, you know, wants to have
5:33
sex with you. But even then, In the
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interaction, they may be somewhat passive.
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So in contrast to that would be the idea of somebody taking
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control being more dominant, telling you what to do.
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This is a relief for a lot of people that are in control all
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day. Whether it's a mom and control
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of kids or like a man or woman that's in charge at work or you
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know, whatever the case may be most adults feel like they make
5:58
too many decisions during the day and they just want the
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respite of not making any decisions.
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To also, of course your shirt. If somebody's desire, when
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they're telling you what to do you're assured, you're going to
6:10
do the right thing when they're saying, do this or do that, you
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know, and a lot of people really like this, this power Dynamic,
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it's refreshing. It's something exciting.
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Some people of course, are very into it and then to be DSM.
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And you don't even need to be into BDSM to like the idea of a
6:27
partner taking control of the interaction because it gives you
6:31
such a break from being the one who has to be in charge, whether
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it's as a Parent or an employer or whatever.
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Right. Okay so what what do we have
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next? A one-night stand or vacation
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fling or like a Summer Fling? Anything that is a relationship.
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That's even if it's a short interaction that's just based on
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sex. So not everybody wants to have a
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one-night stand or a fling but lots of people do lots of people
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like that idea. You could see it by how many
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movies or written about that you know movie scripts are written
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about stuff like that. How how frequently this is?
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Or two in popular media, it's just again the idea that
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somebody desires you purely for your sexuality and your
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attractiveness and your body. And not because you're like the
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great person or like a good provider or like a real nice
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girl. You know, instead, it's just
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this pure raw unadulterated desire and that's something that
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a lot of people especially if they're more in the people
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pleasing or like the good girl / good boy domain, you know, of
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always trying to do it. Everybody wants and Coloring in
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the lines and being a rule follower, especially if you're
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like that. Then this is in contrast to
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that. This is like the total opposite
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where it's just for fun, just for Play, Just for adventure.
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So many people don't feel like their sex lives have any element
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of play or adventure. And this idea of somebody,
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that's only meeting you in that space is very alluring.
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And by the way, this is the only one on the bucket list that you
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cannot do with in monogamy. So it's, you know, It all of the
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other ones. If you say, well, what good does
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that do me? I don't want to cheat on my
8:08
spouse. Cool.
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But, you know, I don't want you to cheat on your spouse either,
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obviously, but it's also sometimes very validating when
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people have these sorts of fantasies to hear that other
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people do as well. You don't need to have
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everything on this bucket list on your personal bucket list,
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you know, as as with anything, you take what you can and move
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forward. But also many people listening
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to this, or single, or divorced and single like, either single
8:34
the first time, Or the second time and they think, you know
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what, that sounds fun to have casual sex because I never was
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able to do that before I always thought that like that was bad
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or something, and I was raised religious, or I was raised with
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so many rules, or I was so terrified of rejection or
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whatever. And you know what, like, a lot
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of people find that to be fun and liberating to have an
8:55
interaction. That's just based on fun and not
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based on, you know, finding the next, you know, long-term
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monogamous partner, Etc. All right.
9:05
Next romantic love making. So this is not just for women.
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This is a particularly for men. Honestly, as I've said many
9:13
times men in my practice are more romantic than women, and
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there's evolutionary reasons for men, being able to be more
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romantic, they can spread their seed anywhere, right?
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They don't have to worry about a woman necessarily being the one
9:26
that's going to help them raise a child.
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Women have to worry about that. Because every time you have a
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baby, it takes like 10 months plus you got a nurse or feed
9:34
them or whatever. Whatever you got to do and you
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need somebody who's going to be there for that.
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So women, instinctively search for more stability and good
9:42
providing when they're looking for a partner, and men can
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really just be more romantic and say, oh, look, she looks like an
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angel in the Morning, Light type of thing, you know what I mean?
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So, in romantic, love making, I talk to so many people that have
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never said, I love you during sex and both men and women yearn
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for a more romantic. Dick love making scenario, you
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know, and they only see it in romantic movies and some people
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mistakenly think that this is the only time that that actually
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happens and that, that isn't realistic for a married couple.
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And it totally is, and it's something just by saying, I love
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you in the sexual encounter, you could transform it into
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something that is more meaningful and by talking in
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general and and talking about your connection.
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So many people like race through and have this silent.
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Rushed experience because they feel awkward.
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But, but yet, that is not how it has to be.
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All right, next is oral sex. So I've talked repeatedly about
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how women should not marry a guy who doesn't want to go down on
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them because there's like guys lining up to do that and they
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all like 95% of guys like to do that.
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So so let's be real. You do not have to have to
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settle because this is something that 95% of guys like to do now
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it's not something that 95% of women like to do but still you
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know, within a A marriage with in a loving relationship, like
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most people do try oral sex. And many people have it as a
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part of most encounters. You know, it's not, of course,
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as usual with in long-term, monogamy, for a woman to
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repeatedly, give blowjobs to completion.
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But yet, that is something that does happen semi-regularly for
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many couples. So it's not going to be twice a
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week, usually, but it's not going to be never.
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And so, for the couple's where it's never, they I'll really
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bad, you know? I mean, I've had a whole post
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and podcast and stuff on why men like oral sex and oral sex on
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men and everything. And this is like the only time
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that a lot of men feel like something in the encounters
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purely about them, and they get to be a receiver, you know?
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And it's particularly for men wear, this never happened to
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them. It can become almost like an
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obsessive thing where they really want like a blowjob or a
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blowjob to completion. And this is really important if
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you are single and you're For a match and you are a man who
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wants this, don't end up with a woman who doesn't give head?
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I mean, let's be real. There are women who do that?
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Lots of women who give lots of blow jobs.
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Like, you know, I mean, it's for the women that do it, they're
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always shocked that other women, don't do it.
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And they think that it's a, like, a fake thing.
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Like in media like they're like, oh haha.
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That's a joke that women don't do that anymore.
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After marriage. If you're a woman that does it.
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But yet it is it It like there are a lot of women who kind of
12:36
just stopped doing that because they never liked it.
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And here's how you can tell, if they never liked it, you could
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tell. I mean, it's like easy to tell
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because they don't ask to do it. They don't want to do it.
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They wipe their mouths out. Like, they just like touch
12:49
nuclear waste afterwards. There are like, you know, like
12:53
kind of grossed out and there are many men that ignore that or
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like assume that all women act like that.
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And all women don't act like that particularly in the
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honeymoon, stage, many women, enjoy doing that, you know,
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because It's an uninhibited time and it's a way to show you know,
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that you really desire the man and it's an outgrowth of your
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desire and more women who are more High libido and more into
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physical touch or definitely, going to give oral sex more
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frequently and oral sex to completion or not.
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Some guys care about that some guys don't.
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And again, if you are a woman with a man who won't go down on
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you, that indicates a low libido and or unusually self-centered,
13:32
man, because of how Common, it is for men to want that and
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consider it a key part of how they're a good lover, which is a
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big part of male sexual. Self concept is being a good and
13:42
generous lover, all right, so speaking on the same topic of
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oral kissing. So a lot of people like let's go
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like real basic. A lot of people don't kiss
13:53
within marriage and don't remember ever having long
13:55
make-out sessions because they were with a partner who was
13:58
squeamish about kissing and I discussed in one of my podcast
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or post about this. There's this book three women by
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Lisa tateo, I don't know how to pronounce it today.
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Oh, and she one of the women that she describes as a woman
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who had an affair because like her husband refused to kiss her
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and she was a very physical person.
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A very sensual person that just wasn't getting that need met.
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So that's an example of a woman whose husband won't kiss her.
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And that was a based on real real interviews, this book that
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she wrote it's interesting. But also, I hear it from many
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men that the woman will not kiss them and that she doesn't like
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bodily fluids and she doesn't like their taste and she doesn't
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like this and she doesn't like that.
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And honestly The Men Who end up in that situation they never had
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long make-out sessions with the woman.
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So I mean again if you're single and you like physical touch long
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make-out sessions or key to the, that's kind of almost like a
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proof. It's like proof that the woman
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likes physical touch. And then she has a more sensual
14:55
erotic blueprint, like, you met. So, if and I don't feel like
15:00
anybody should go to their grave never kissing again, you know,
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so you Got to ask your partner if they won't kiss you got to
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like ask them if there's an issue with how you kiss, too.
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Because a lot of women think the man is a bad kisser, but they
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won't tell him and they think that it hurts his feelings less
15:15
to like never kiss her. Then for her to say, like you
15:18
have bad breath, or your too forceful, or you bite me or
15:21
whatever. But it isn't like most men, the
15:24
large majority of men want to get sexual feedback if it allows
15:27
them to have a more, you know, open and free sex life.
15:32
And it's sad when somebody would like, I mean, what if your kid
15:35
wanted a kiss and you want to kiss them?
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I know it's a different kind of kids, you know.
15:38
But still, you would always kiss your kid like, why not kids your
15:42
partner. It's I mean, I know why not?
15:45
Of course, because you have said and sensory issues and whatever
15:48
whatever. But I mean, look, I mean sensory
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issues only goes so far within the context context of what's
15:54
supposed to be a loving and and compromising partnership.
15:59
So I mean, this is a big one if you guys can't get anywhere.
16:01
We're on the kissing front. Make sure that the hygiene is
16:06
there, make sure that the person understands how much it means to
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you, make sure you've taken their feedback into account,
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many people can make some Headway on this one, and it's a
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particularly sad one. Like, like, when she talks about
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it, it was just in the book. Three women is just so, so
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depressing and lonely for the person who doesn't ever get to
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kiss. All right, next one is an
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exploration of your erogenous zones.
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Many guys like never even Touch during sex.
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Like the foreplay is like old toward her, he's touching her
16:35
breasts, he's touching her body and like he doesn't even get
16:37
touched at all. There are many erogenous zones
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and and of course, there are men less frequent.
16:43
But there are men, who just won't engage in foreplay for the
16:46
woman and won't touch her as much as she needs to be touched
16:49
and considerate, some sort of a waste of time or that she
16:51
doesn't work right? Because in porn women never need
16:54
for play. And that's, of course, bullshit.
16:56
Women need to be warmed up, like, massively in order to
16:59
fully enjoy themselves. And I've discussed this in My
17:02
podcast that was like, on female arousal.
17:04
So that's a good one to listen to.
17:06
But I'm more often hear this in couples counseling, that women
17:10
won't touch the man at all. And that they like almost won't
17:13
even touch his penis. Like, he has to get it.
17:15
Ready and insert it like, like it's like fucking Kryptonite or
17:19
something that she can't touch it.
17:20
God forbid. You should put it in her mouth,
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but she doesn't even put her hands on it and never mind the
17:25
rest of his body, which might as well not even be there.
17:27
He might as well be in a hazmat suit, you know?
17:29
And that's just a real depressing and And a lot of
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women don't even really understand that men need that in
17:36
a weird way, because the man doesn't say anything about it,
17:38
and that's kind of not how things go in romantic movies.
17:43
That's like, you never see. Foreplay so many women, don't
17:46
understand that. It's supposed to happen toward
17:48
the man, as well. So, even just basic education,
17:51
about bodies and sensuality, and exploring, sensual touch, which
17:56
is often what people do with, in couples counseling, or Sex
17:59
Therapy, or intimacy coaching. I have an intimacy Coach Heather
18:03
at my practice. Remember, she works in every
18:05
state. So if this sounds like something
18:06
that you would want to work on sensual touching and getting
18:09
used to touching each other, then you should certainly
18:11
contact me and work with Heather.
18:13
But the, the point here is that many men have erogenous zones
18:18
that have never gotten touched. And meanwhile, they're trying
18:21
very hard to touch their wife and to figure out if she likes
18:24
her breath touched, or her neck, or her thighs, or whatever.
18:28
And like, meanwhile like, they have erogenous zones to and
18:31
Unlike the woman doesn't ever touch that because she doesn't,
18:34
like literally doesn't touch them.
18:37
You know, I hear about like women don't like use their
18:40
hands. Like it's almost like they don't
18:41
have any hands during sex, you know?
18:43
And that is unfortunate and real, real deficit in the
18:48
bedroom that people yearn to be remediated and went in their
18:52
deepest wishes about what their sex life would look like, which
18:55
is what we're talking about here with his bucket list idea.
18:58
And then, the last one is spending a long time.
19:01
Time in bed. So many people think that like
19:04
spending hours in bed is like some hyperbole that has to do.
19:08
That doesn't have any real world, you know, corollary
19:12
right? So like there's no real world
19:15
person that's spending hours in bed with a partner.
19:18
But, there are, there are, and like, it's not all the time, but
19:23
on vacation, or on a weekend or on a time without the kids or,
19:27
you know, people and especially in the honeymoon stage.
19:30
This is another big one, if you are.
19:31
Single and you are high libido or high, physical touch person,
19:35
and your partner, never spends more than like a half hour in
19:38
bed with you, even in the earliest least, inhibited stages
19:41
of the honeymoon, stage than that, is not the person for you,
19:45
you know, because especially when you are in that early stage
19:48
having sex multiple times in an encounter because and it's not
19:53
because like somehow you have like magic penis that just has
19:55
no refractory period. It's because you're spending
19:58
enough time in bed touching each other and engaging in foreplay.
20:01
That that you would get hard again, you know, or not even
20:05
that you have to get hard again, if you're older.
20:07
But that like the woman would you would go again, you know,
20:09
for the woman and you would go down on her again, or whatever.
20:12
There would be multiple orgasms over multiple hours in an
20:15
encounter, not all the time. I understand you have a job, but
20:19
sometimes, you know, and I'm definitely on, like, a romantic
20:23
weekend on a romantic weekend, that should be kind of like what
20:27
you do and you need to have a romantic weekend, sometimes this
20:30
could be a real. To a marriage or even just an
20:33
overnight somewhere, if you really have nobody to watch your
20:36
children or, you know, during the day, because so many people
20:41
telecommute. Now, if you took off a day and
20:44
you both like stay in bed for a long time for a couple hours, at
20:48
least that could be really affirming and very, very much of
20:53
a hard reset to a marriage that that is foundering in the
20:57
intimacy Zone, you know? And that's a lot of marriages.
21:01
So, So anyway, if any of these resonated with you, it could
21:04
give you the impetus to discuss at least one of them.
21:07
You don't want to discuss all nine, anybody that comes to a
21:10
partner. And says, here's nine things
21:12
that I yearn for that we don't have in this relationship.
21:15
Well, I mean, that's just terrible.
21:16
So I give your kid came to you and was like, here's nine ways
21:19
that you're failing me as a parent.
21:21
I mean, holy shit. You get like you, you may
21:23
pretend that you would like to hear that feedback, but you
21:26
really would feel quite depressed and hopeless.
21:28
You know, would be a hell of a lot better if your kid was like
21:31
Roan blah, blah, blah, and I for whatever, like one thing, you
21:35
know, like just one thing. So, try to take one thing of
21:39
this to your partner and say, like this is something I've
21:42
always wanted to do and maybe we could do it.
21:45
Remember not the one night stand with a stranger.
21:47
That's not the one to ask for. And like, if this is useful to
21:53
people that I could discuss like, you know, the level up of
21:56
bucket list, sort of stuff, you know, when people have have
21:59
Wilder fantasies but the Reality is, as I try to make these
22:03
podcasts and pose applicable to the majority of people.
22:07
And to the majority of people having these nine things would
22:10
really be awesome, you know? And and they don't really need
22:14
to have like a threesome or to have like, you know, public sex
22:17
or even anal, sex or toys or really anything except for a
22:23
close connected sensual experience.
22:26
And I think that that is what to aim for is one of these things
22:31
to Something that you bring up with a spouse and say, this is
22:34
something I always wanted in a would, you know, make me so
22:37
happy if we could experiment more with XYZ, you know, like
22:41
you touching me sometimes or like, whatever, try try to you
22:45
know you know your audience like don't be overwhelming, but just
22:48
do try to incrementally, describe what you need.
22:52
And if it goes nowhere, then couples counseling or Sex
22:54
Therapy or sex coaching can really be useful because
22:57
sometimes people just cannot talk about these issues, you
23:01
know, no matter how How many doctors psych mom shows you
23:03
listen to? It's still hard to get out of
23:05
your old Paradigm where these things are very difficult to
23:08
talk about. You feel very awkward and
23:10
flustered and things end in a fight or in silence.
23:13
And if that's the case, there's really no shame at all.
23:17
In using a third party, that's trained in helping you
23:20
communicate. I mean, you would do it for your
23:22
kid, you get your kid into therapy.
23:23
So why not for the marriage? Alright.
23:26
Well hopefully this was interesting to you and and
23:30
relevant hope. It was not relevant but, you
23:33
know, hopefully it was interesting if it is relevant
23:35
and I will talk to you soon, have a great day.