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From Control To Respect · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, child and adolescent psychotherapist from the Children's Consultancy.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: And this is episode five of the five-part series, which is concerned with men and their complicated relationships with others.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: This comes under the broader heading of coercive control and abuse, and we have gone through a series of different perspectives that constitute the ways in which this happens and some of its effects.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: So here we are in this final episode, which is entitled From Control to Respect and is about emotional maturity.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: So across the series, we've traveled through some pretty difficult terrain.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: We've spoken about control, coercion, denial, emotional manipulation, responsibility, and change.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I would like to think that we've done so in a way that names and describes rather than names and shames.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: We've looked directly at behaviors that many avoid naming, and we've explored how harm happens and to some extent how I can stop.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: But now we arrive at the central question, and that is this.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Can a man truly change?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And the answer is sometimes, but only under very specific psychological conditions.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: This reminds me of addiction and the point at which addiction becomes recovery.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that is when the person with the addiction recognizes they have an addiction.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: But change doesn't begin with apology and it doesn't begin with promises, it doesn't begin with loss or fear or consequence.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Real change begins when a man stops defending himself, when he stops minimizing, when he stops blaming, stops reframing harm as misunderstanding.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: He stops locating the problem in her reactions rather than his behavior.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Change really begins at the moment of full psychological ownership.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that means saying things like, I did this, this really happened, I chose this, and I have to take responsibility for it.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: And without that moment, there is no change, only adaptation.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: And adaptation is a bit like role-playing change, and it doesn't last.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Some men will modify behavior to avoid consequences, and some become quieter, more subtle, more hidden, and some replace overt control with emotional withdrawal, guilt, or statements of victimhood.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this isn't change, this is just another form of control.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Real change requires something much harder.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: That means dismantling your sense of entitlement.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: It means surrendering the power that you have held over another.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: It means allowing yourself to accept a position of equality.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where many cannot go because people who exercise this kind of control began this process as a way of protecting themselves from something that was fragile inside.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that has its roots a long way back.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: But for the man who does change, something really powerful happens.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: He begins to regulate and control himself rather than regulate others.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: He learns to tolerate his emotional state rather than discharging it.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And he recognizes that the other person is separate, not an extension of himself.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Very often I see that what some men do is try to turn the other into what they think the other should be.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's actually never going to work.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: So he starts to replace dominance with responsibility.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the beginning of relational maturity because it's a move from control to mutuality, from power to respect, from defense to emotional honesty, from possession to recognition, and from fear to emotional safety.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Relational maturity isn't softness, it's not weakness and it's not some kind of surrender.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Ironically, it's the exact reverse because it's a form of self-mastery.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's the strength to pause, stop and think instead of overpower.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: To allow yourself to feel things rather than to defend yourself against those feelings.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: To repair what's happened rather than deny that it ever did.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And to be accountable without collapsing.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's honorable.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Real strength isn't about control over another person.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Real strength is self-control, responsibility, and respect.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: I think real integrity within that is about wanting the other person to be themselves and to feed that, feed their separateness.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: And this brings us to the deeper truth of this series.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Control destroys connection, power erodes safety, and denial sustains harm.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: But when control ends, something new becomes possible.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Connection without fear.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: So that's where neither person must disappear for the other to feel secure, where difference doesn't threaten the bond, where feelings can be spoken without punishment, and where repair is possible because responsibility exists.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: And this is what safe relationships are built on.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: It includes emotional regulation, ownership of one's internal world, respect for difference and autonomy, and equality of emotional value.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's not perfection and it's not the absence of conflict, but it's the presence of respect, accountability, and emotional truth.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so as we close this five-part series, we return to the core message.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: To those who have lived under control, you were not imagining it.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: How do we know?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, your nervous system knew.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Your confusion was part of the pattern, and it wasn't a failure of perception.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Safety begins when control ends.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And to those questioning themselves, your your clarity will grow when your denial dissolves.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Trust what you see, not what you are told to feel.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: And to the men listening, change is possible, but only when responsibility replaces defense.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Only when power is surrendered.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Only when respect becomes a non-negotiable position that you take.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Not because someone demands it, but because you choose to become someone who no longer harms others.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Relational maturity isn't about being perfect, but it is about becoming safe.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Safe to love and to be loved, safe to be close to, safe to be real within.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And where safety exists, connection lives.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: For some people, this will have been a hard lesson.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Some men, and this is my hope, will hear this and think he's talking about me.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Good.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's recognition, and that is without doubt, the starting point for change.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Some men will listen and say, What does he know?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: He's not talking about me.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't do those things.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well ask your partner what they think.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: And if they have a different view, then listen to the series again and again and again.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because the truth is, denial does not protect you from reality.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: It may be that some people will just think this is nonsense.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And judging by the enormous number of downloads of these podcasts, here's a single rather disappointing truth.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: About ninety-eight percent of them are women.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Nonetheless, we persist, and if nothing else, I do hope that the women who have listened will recognize the truth that is intended to be contained within these episodes.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.