Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / How To Go On A Family Trip Without Killing Each Other

Transcript

How To Go On A Family Trip Without Killing Each Other · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctors psych mom show today.
• 0:09
  I am going to be talking about how to go on a family trip
• 0:12
  without killing each other, which was by request from
• 0:15
  somebody in my Facebook group which you should join.
• 0:18
  And while you're joining that, you should also subscribe to
• 0:21
  this podcast. The next one is going to be why
• 0:24
  your wife's personality changes so much after children.
• 0:27
  And every man wants to know the answer to that burning question
• 0:31
  and whether it will ever change back.
• 0:34
  Ha ha, obviously, Change back. But I mean it does.
• 0:38
  It doesn't say the same, doesn't say the same in the baby stage.
• 0:41
  The toddler stage, the older kids say like it changes it
• 0:43
  changes a lot. I mean this may be news to you
• 0:45
  but your wife's personality is not the same day today.
• 0:49
  Anyway, we want to subscribe because 25% of my episodes are
• 0:55
  subscriber only so you are going to be missing out on you know,
• 0:59
  lots of good shit if you don't subscribe, so do that.
• 1:02
  And now we're going to be talking about Mele trips.
• 1:06
  So obviously a vacation with our kids is totally different from a
• 1:12
  family trip in that a vacation without kids is enjoyable.
• 1:16
  But really people make very very big cognitive errors and
• 1:22
  practical errors when planning family trips, which results in a
• 1:25
  lot of resentment hostility at times fatigue, possibly even
• 1:30
  exhaustion and just general bad feelings, you know.
• 1:34
  And this is Is often much worse, the younger, your kids are.
• 1:38
  So let's just go through some of the common mistakes that people
• 1:41
  make. So, the first one is getting too
• 1:45
  small of a room, /, okay, saving quote-unquote money by doing
• 1:52
  this. When you would be spending a lot
• 1:55
  of money on other things to compensate, such as a therapy
• 1:58
  bill or drugs. But really, here's the thing.
• 2:02
  So if you get a small Malt. If you get like one hotel room
• 2:07
  and it's you, and your husband, and your three kids, you're
• 2:10
  going to want to die, you know, it it's going to go terrible,
• 2:13
  you can't be intimate, you can't even get a moment to yourself.
• 2:16
  Everybody sharing the bathroom, it's a garbage fire.
• 2:20
  Personally I would rather not even go on a vacation then do
• 2:23
  that and a lot of my fellow highly sensitive women agree
• 2:26
  with that but people also want to go on vacation.
• 2:30
  So what might you do? Well, I mean, I am a therapist
• 2:33
  I'm always thinking about I think that the kind of deeper
• 2:37
  reasons that people do things. So for me, it would be a
• 2:41
  no-brainer to go somewhere cheaper, where you could have
• 2:44
  like an Airbnb with multiple rooms and some privacy versus
• 2:48
  somewhere more expensive where you have to stay in one room and
• 2:52
  certainly not staying anywhere where y'all have to sleep on the
• 2:55
  floor, but that's me. I'm a therapist, I'm a highly
• 2:58
  sensitive person. Sometimes people may have like
• 3:01
  some wonderful opportunity to like, let's say go to Costa
• 3:04
  Rica. Go with your three kids when you
• 3:06
  have to stay on the floor of your cousin who lives in, Costa
• 3:10
  Rica. And they may want to take that
• 3:11
  opportunity and that could be great.
• 3:13
  But you really have to know yourself.
• 3:16
  If you are somebody who doesn't do well with getting no sleep.
• 3:19
  If you are somebody who's going to feel very upset when you have
• 3:22
  no privacy, if you don't want to be rushed out of your shower in
• 3:25
  the morning, then try when the children are very young,
• 3:28
  especially to really just know yourself and that's a lot of the
• 3:32
  theme of therapy and of this podcast, if you can Understand
• 3:35
  yourself and your limitations. It doesn't mean that you can't
• 3:38
  be flexible, but at least you could be somebody who says, wow.
• 3:41
  If I make this sacrifice to go to Costa Rica and all stay in
• 3:44
  one room with like one toilet and whatever.
• 3:48
  Then I am not really going to enjoy myself that much probably.
• 3:52
  And this is a trip for the children to meet their.
• 3:54
  Hypothetical cousin that I said, has the place or whatever.
• 3:57
  So your expectations need to interact with the actual person
• 4:02
  that you are versus the person that you wish that you Were
• 4:05
  frequently people wish that they were laid back flexible and
• 4:08
  chill axed. There's an entire movie about
• 4:11
  trying to be more cool and tracks called Gone, Girl.
• 4:13
  And the book is better than movie and you should read it.
• 4:16
  And the, the point though is that people cannot just change
• 4:20
  their personalities for every vacation.
• 4:22
  So, I work with a lot of people that go on family vacations, and
• 4:25
  it doesn't make them feel closer.
• 4:26
  It makes them feel further apart, another big mistake that
• 4:30
  people make is related to that they don't have sex on their
• 4:34
  vacation because If they have kids, and it's really
• 4:38
  interesting because a lot of places they have some child
• 4:41
  care, they have a kids club and more people than I ever guessed,
• 4:47
  you know, because I work with so many people now that, you know,
• 4:50
  have kids and are traveling again after covid, people
• 4:54
  travel, with grandparents, they travel with nannies.
• 4:57
  They travel with the sister, they travel with somebody who
• 4:59
  can watch the kids for a second and or they can get another
• 5:03
  room. That's goes back to my My other
• 5:05
  room idea of not just all staying in one room because then
• 5:09
  the parents can have a room and the kids can have a room and
• 5:12
  that is going to allow you to have privacy for intimacy.
• 5:15
  Remember that a vacation used to be a time that you had lots of
• 5:19
  sex? And now, if a family trip is an
• 5:21
  entire week where you have zero sex, nobody is going to feel
• 5:25
  more connected and closer after that, and nobody's going to feel
• 5:28
  more relaxed after that. So, so two common errors and
• 5:32
  these are related as I just said or not.
• 5:35
  Getting enough space, not having space for privacy and then the
• 5:39
  global macro issue is not understanding yourself and your
• 5:43
  limitations. Particularly, if you're highly
• 5:45
  sensitive person, you could also be a highly sensitive person.
• 5:49
  That is premenstrual. That is also exhausted.
• 5:54
  That is gets sick, you know, on the vacation, there could be a
• 5:58
  lot of reasons that you are going to really, really want
• 6:02
  your privacy. So one, Thing to talk about with
• 6:06
  a partner before, even going on a family trip is or we sending
• 6:09
  our self up to fail by assuming that we're a lot more flexible
• 6:13
  than we are. Like, do we think that we're the
• 6:15
  kind of people who are going to roll with just us and three kids
• 6:18
  at Disney, in the middle of August for five days straight?
• 6:22
  And in reality, if we think about it we're the kind of
• 6:25
  people who are going to get annoyed after two days of
• 6:27
  Disney. So maybe we're going to do two
• 6:28
  days of Disney and then we're going to go to an Airbnb with a
• 6:31
  pool somewhere else in Florida. That is less expensive or
• 6:35
  Whatever. So, a lot of times people go
• 6:38
  into this crazy mode when they're planning vacation, where
• 6:41
  they think that they are a different person and they're not
• 6:44
  a different person, they're the same person.
• 6:47
  So more along these lines, try to get a loan time for each
• 6:52
  parent during the vacation. So, this could mean that each
• 6:56
  parent gets to exercise at the gym.
• 6:58
  They get to go for a run, they get to go get a cup of coffee.
• 7:01
  They get to go back to the room and take a shower, whatever the
• 7:04
  case. Us maybe especially the highly
• 7:07
  sensitive partner probably needs time to decompress in the middle
• 7:11
  of the vacation. This should not be shamed and
• 7:14
  this is not a failure and it doesn't mean that the couple is
• 7:17
  not in love or that. The family isn't happy.
• 7:19
  This means that a highly sensitive person.
• 7:21
  Usually needs time to decompress and if they have the extra
• 7:25
  stress of a vacation, then this is going to be extra stressful.
• 7:29
  So they're going to need extra time to decompress.
• 7:33
  Of course, it doesn't mean that one parent should be with the Is
• 7:35
  all day at the beach in the other parent should be in the
• 7:37
  air conditioning watching TV, obviously not.
• 7:40
  But what it does mean is that if you're at the beach with your
• 7:43
  wife and she says, can I just go in for like an hour?
• 7:46
  Because I feel like really hot out here and I just want to lay
• 7:49
  down your answer should be yes. And if you say, can I go to the
• 7:53
  fitness room for an hour? Then her answer should be yes,
• 7:57
  or whatever the case may be. Okay, so what are some other
• 8:00
  issues people? Do not talk enough about
• 8:03
  expectations? Around vacations.
• 8:06
  These are even around couples vacations but certainly around
• 8:09
  vacations with the kids. So one person may think that the
• 8:12
  kids are going to be on no schedule because it's vacation
• 8:16
  and the other person thinks of course, the kids are going to be
• 8:18
  on a schedule because ever since it turns like 2 p.m.
• 8:21
  I'm waiting for the eight pm bedtime and only then, can I
• 8:24
  relax. So it's really important to an
• 8:27
  advanced talk about expectations on a family trip.
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  Also, if it's a family trip, where you're going to interact
• 8:33
  with other extended, Members. What are you going to do
• 8:36
  vis-à-vis? These family members.
• 8:38
  Are we going to see them? Everyday, are we going to see
• 8:40
  them every other day? Are we going to see them?
• 8:42
  You know, and ask them to babysit the kids?
• 8:44
  Are we going to do this? Are we going to do that?
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  So many people feel that this would be like this likes.
• 8:50
  This scheduling sex conversation.
• 8:52
  I'm firmly on the path of scheduling sex like when I
• 8:56
  advise people scheduling sex is never bad.
• 9:01
  Like, it's only bad if you think of it as bad.
• 9:05
  You know what, scheduled sex used to be called, it used to be
• 9:07
  called planning a date, because you knew if you were going out
• 9:11
  with your partner Friday, you were gonna have sex that was
• 9:15
  scheduling sex for Christ's sake.
• 9:17
  So why does it get a bad rap with in monogamy?
• 9:20
  It didn't like you always used to know in advance when you were
• 9:23
  going to have sex pretty much. So it's the same sort of thing
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  when people get wrapped around the axle about how everything
• 9:29
  has to be spontaneous, the really doing themselves a
• 9:32
  disservice. And if they happen to be this,
• 9:35
  Spontaneous person who so flexible and then, you know,
• 9:39
  they're like Gumby. They're so flexible, and they're
• 9:42
  married to another Gumby. These people don't really exist,
• 9:46
  like, you know, people especially in their first
• 9:48
  marriage has its yin and yang. I've talked about this before,
• 9:51
  and there's always going to be one that's less flexible from
• 9:55
  what I see. So this person that's less
• 9:57
  flexible is going to surprise you in a bad way.
• 10:01
  If you're the more flexible partner with the fact that they
• 10:04
  have Various expectations for how certain things are going to
• 10:07
  go and they don't want to just fly by the seat of their pants.
• 10:11
  And the more that we talked about this in advance, this is
• 10:14
  ruined the vacation that protects the vacation talking
• 10:18
  about expectations is never bad. Talk about expectations is
• 10:22
  something that we do in couples counseling all the time.
• 10:24
  So how are we going to treat XYZ situation?
• 10:28
  There was a history of infidelity?
• 10:29
  How are we going to like, how are you and I going to deal with
• 10:34
  it? If somebody mentions infidelity
• 10:37
  because I know that we're seeing our friends who also just
• 10:40
  experienced infidelity. So what's that going to feel
• 10:43
  like to us like in couples counseling we try to get out
• 10:47
  ahead of problems. So the way to think about
• 10:50
  discussions about potential problems, isn't that you are
• 10:55
  focusing on the bad, which is how some people think about it.
• 10:59
  But instead that you are trying to protect the couple and you're
• 11:03
  trying to ensure that as many Many good things happen as
• 11:06
  possible, by laying out kind of what each person really wants to
• 11:11
  happen and the things that they won't want to have it.
• 11:15
  So, let's say that, y'all decide to, and I've seen this before.
• 11:18
  So don't think I'm just making up crazy shit.
• 11:20
  But like, and if you're a man, you'll be like, why is this
• 11:23
  crazy? But there are people who go and
• 11:26
  these sleep five people in one hotel room and the guy expects
• 11:29
  to have sex on that vacation. How there's three children in
• 11:34
  the room, what are you? Talking about with the kids are
• 11:37
  going to be divided. Two of them with you, two of
• 11:39
  them with your wife. How are you gonna do it?
• 11:42
  It did like, if you press that, bought it the like, say
• 11:44
  something. Like, I don't know, like the
• 11:45
  shower. Yeah.
• 11:46
  Okay. Like that's really gonna happen
• 11:49
  with your three children, watching TV, like a yard from
• 11:53
  the bathroom door, like, give me a break, so if that couple were
• 11:57
  just be like, if that woman were to say, let's say, okay, like
• 12:01
  you really want us to all go in one room, I would rather us go
• 12:04
  stay stay in are Be, you know, we're not going to have sex,
• 12:07
  right? We're not hundred percent not in
• 12:10
  that one room for sure. Not a lot of guys would change
• 12:13
  their tune about the money and say, okay well then let's get
• 12:16
  two rooms because they would have talked about expectations
• 12:19
  or it's possible honestly that the woman might say, we are
• 12:23
  going to visit your family. I am really stressed out.
• 12:26
  It's going to be five days. I really don't see us having sex
• 12:28
  during that time. I don't want that to come as a
• 12:30
  major shock. I will do it when we get back,
• 12:33
  you know, and we'll do it before we go.
• 12:35
  That would be a thousand times better than the usual situation
• 12:39
  in which then this happens. And, you know, this happens if
• 12:42
  you're listening to this and you've interested in all the sex
• 12:45
  stuff and couple stuff where the guy doesn't even initiate in the
• 12:49
  few days, leading up to the vacation because they think
• 12:51
  somehow they're going to get quote vacation sex forgetting
• 12:54
  that a family trip, is not really a vacation.
• 12:56
  So then by the time they have the five days of the trip and
• 12:59
  then they had to five days before that where they didn't
• 13:02
  initiate by the time. You're done with the trip, they
• 13:04
  have it at Said, 10 days to have it even masturbated because
• 13:08
  they've been with a damn children in the room and boy,
• 13:10
  you would imagine how their mood is, it's a shining garbage fire.
• 13:14
  That's how their mood is. So again, discussing
• 13:17
  expectations would prevent this outcome and allow the couple to
• 13:24
  be their best selves. If they even just discussed
• 13:26
  things and if you're like, oh my husband be such a bad mood.
• 13:29
  If I said to him, we're definitely not having sex for
• 13:31
  five days. No, your husband.
• 13:33
  Yeah, maybe maybe he'll E, in somewhat of a bad mood.
• 13:36
  Guess what? A worse mood is going to be when
• 13:38
  he thinks he's going to be having sex, and then he doesn't
• 13:41
  have sex. And then when he brings it up,
• 13:43
  you say very sensitively, how about you think we're gonna have
• 13:46
  sex? What's wrong with you?
• 13:48
  Like you knew we weren't that he's like no I didn't and then
• 13:51
  you know people end up calling people.
• 13:52
  Like me couples counselor. So sex.
• 13:56
  How much we're going to interact with family?
• 13:58
  When bedtime is going to be another, big one is drinking
• 14:01
  drinking and eating. So a lot of women still want to
• 14:05
  Stick to some sort of, you know, healthy eating, you know, they
• 14:09
  don't want to do, you know, drink it eat constantly during
• 14:13
  the trip and if they feel forced to, then they start to feel like
• 14:16
  they're fat and they don't fit into their clothes.
• 14:18
  And what have you all of these sorts of things?
• 14:21
  Like, we don't always have to go to the, you know, Buffet every
• 14:25
  single night. Like maybe one of the nights we
• 14:26
  could get sandwiches and sit by the pool, anything that you can
• 14:30
  discuss and anything that could be outside the box thinking to
• 14:34
  make both We'll have a better time both adults because you're
• 14:37
  already thinking about the kids having a good time.
• 14:39
  So I don't need to get into that because most people and they
• 14:41
  take a family trip. It's all about doing shit for
• 14:43
  the kids. Anyway, you go from the
• 14:44
  go-karts, to the amusement park to the cotton, candy to the
• 14:48
  rides to the pool. Everything's about the kids,
• 14:50
  anyhow. So we don't need to focus on
• 14:51
  that. You got that covered.
• 14:53
  We need to focus on the adults. At least, not hating most of the
• 14:56
  trip and each other. By the time, they get home.
• 14:59
  So vacations can be a lot of pressure because there's this
• 15:02
  idea that they're supposed to be fun.
• 15:05
  There with kids, you're supposed to be fun for the kids, you're
• 15:08
  making memories for the kids. The best, it's going to do for
• 15:11
  you is Pleasant. Try for to be pleasant for you
• 15:14
  and fun for the kids. Well, if you really want
• 15:17
  something fun for you, either, wait till the kids get a little
• 15:20
  older and they don't have to, let's say, have you know, breaks
• 15:23
  to go to the bathroom. Every 15 seconds or to have a
• 15:25
  diaper change, or whatever, or go on a couples vacation, which
• 15:30
  is a hell of a lot better. And if there's any way to
• 15:32
  Wrangle anybody into watching your children overnight, Right
• 15:35
  then a couples vacation is certainly a hell of a lot easier
• 15:39
  and it's like really really good for connection.
• 15:42
  So it's like every time I have a couple of coats on a couples
• 15:44
  vacation it's like they come in the next week and they're fine.
• 15:47
  They're like, find have no problem, it's like crazy.
• 15:51
  But then like the next week like the problems come back and what
• 15:53
  have you? But like there's like a little
• 15:55
  temporary effect of going on a couples vacation.
• 15:58
  It doesn't transform anything. I'm not going to blow smoke up
• 16:01
  your ass like that otherwise, you know, there would be no
• 16:04
  point. We'll just move to Maui and then
• 16:06
  never have a problem again. But the point of that vacation
• 16:09
  is you're in pretty Dire Straits.
• 16:11
  If you go on a couples vacation and you don't feel closer
• 16:14
  afterwards because you don't have the kids, you don't have
• 16:16
  anything to worry about, you can both do your own thing, you can
• 16:20
  get a couples massage or you can sit in the room and read or
• 16:23
  whatever and most people mostly everybody knows we're going to
• 16:26
  have sex cause we're on a couples vacation so that's one.
• 16:30
  If you want to get like a little too weak boost in the mood of
• 16:33
  your relationship, then you could schedule.
• 16:35
  A couple's vacation. And if you have enough couples
• 16:37
  vacations a year and you are mathematically oriented sort of
• 16:40
  person, you can really kind of coast and jump from litigation
• 16:44
  to vacation. But most of us don't have that
• 16:46
  much time or money to do, which is why couples counselors are
• 16:49
  still in business to actually deal with the more deep issues
• 16:53
  of your marriage but by the way, having periodic fun and an after
• 16:58
  effect of that, for two weeks is great.
• 17:01
  So do that because those can be moments of bonding and
• 17:04
  connection. And also they can make you feel
• 17:08
  like back to your old self in a sense.
• 17:10
  And remember the person that you were before, excuse me, before
• 17:14
  the kids, and it can make you remember the couple that you
• 17:17
  were before the kids have a podcast on what is your couple
• 17:20
  identity. Some people completely forget
• 17:23
  because it's been completely snowed under by the appearance
• 17:27
  of your children who you love, but who transform you from a
• 17:30
  couple to a family. So hopefully this gave you
• 17:33
  something to think about this. One is really not very attacking
• 17:36
  to anybody. It would be very hard for
• 17:39
  anybody to take it as a personal attack, unlike some of the other
• 17:43
  more sensitive topic. So if there was one to share
• 17:47
  with us partner, if they're receptive to the idea of sharing
• 17:51
  this would be a good one to listen to and to think about
• 17:53
  what have we made mistakes at in previous family vacations.
• 17:56
  And how could we Rectify that in one's coming up?
• 17:59
  And can we even get a couples vacation on the calendar?
• 18:01
  Etc? Etc.
• 18:03
  Use a real good jumping-off point.
• 18:05
  Again if your partner can't stand me or my podcast, then
• 18:08
  just bring these topics up on your own because you can do it.
• 18:12
  You've been listening to me for over 200 episodes two seasons so
• 18:16
  you can do it. You could take.
• 18:17
  Hey, I was thinking about our upcoming vacation.
• 18:20
  What can we prepare? So that things go better because
• 18:23
  I remember last time we were both frustrated with different
• 18:26
  aspects of it and if you're somebody who usually sticks your
• 18:28
  head in the sand and is difficult about open discussion
• 18:32
  and the scared to bring up sensitive topics.
• 18:34
  Your Partner, may be shocked but very pleased on some level that
• 18:38
  you are finally head on deciding to talk about something and to
• 18:42
  even prevent a bad outcome in a very proactive admirable, kind
• 18:48
  of way. So this is not a conversation
• 18:50
  that can go wrong and if it goes horribly wrong, guess what?
• 18:53
  Your vacation would have been even worse.
• 18:54
  Had you not had the conversation.
• 18:56
  So that's a good way to think about it.
• 18:58
  Glass water quarter, empty somewhere in between half empty
• 19:02
  and have full anyway, Hope you got something out of this.
• 19:06
  Please do subscribe. Please!
• 19:07
  Do join my Facebook group. Please do keep listening.
• 19:10
  Thanks so much. Have a great day.