Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Do Cute Parenting Stuff With Your Wife Before It's Too Late!

Transcript

Do Cute Parenting Stuff With Your Wife Before It's Too Late! · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:08
  Today I'm going to talk about why it's important to do cute
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  parenting stuff with your wife and what that even means and
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  like what the fuck? But you know before we get to
• 0:18
  that please do subscribe because most recent subscriber episode
• 0:22
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• 0:26
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• 0:30
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• 0:34
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• 0:39
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• 0:44
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• 0:49
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• 0:52
  please and thank you. All right.
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  So what do I mean by cute parenting stuff.
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  So I always talk about the pumpkin patch.
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  This is like, you know, I mean you probably just had a bunch
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  for other holidays based on when this is going to be scheduled.
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  You probably just did stuff for Christmas and driving to see the
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  lights and like, whatever you're coming up on New Year's, What is
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  she going to want to do something with the kids with
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  staying up late or not staying up late, based on how she thinks
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  about staying up late, but something that involves a lot of
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  pictures that she could say. She's making memories that the
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  kids look extra cute and that involves other human beings.
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  And if you are a guy that either does not like other human beings
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  or thinks that the kids aren't going to remember this shit
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  anyway, or the things that you work hard all week and now you
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  just want to break on the weekends, your wife is going to
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  hate you when she's older because this is the only time
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  that you have small kids. So, you know, it's kind of one
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  of these situations where there's only one real right
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  answer and that I have seen, you know, just like I have only one
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  right answer on in the sex domain.
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  Like, I don't say, oh, there's all kinds of marriages, you
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  know, And for some of them, you know, the guy doesn't get laid
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  for like 10 years in the middle, 'cause, like you have young
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  kids. I don't ever say that bullshit.
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  Right? So you could trust me when I
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  also say that there is no world in which you do not have to do
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  little parenting stuff that your wife thinks is cute.
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  It's extremely important when the children are young and if
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  you don't do it when they're young, then when they are older
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  and she is older, she will not want to be married anymore in
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  any meaningful sense because to her, having these kids is the
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  apex of her life. She thought about being a mother
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  since she was a little girl usually, and now she wants
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  there's they are really only young for a short amount of
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  time. She hears that all over the
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  Internet because it's true. Time only goes One Direction and
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  you only have an actual baby, by the way, for 12 months and then
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  it's a toddler. And that makes women very sad,
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  you know? So you can't just not do the
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  stuff ever. And you can't just not do most
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  of the stuff, either, and assume that she has her mother or her
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  sister or some friend. And then that's OK.
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  So you have to do the stuff that she's taking pictures of with
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  the kids. You have to go to their little
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  lessons. You have to go to not all of
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  them. I mean, you don't have to go to,
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  like, every time that the kid goes to a gymnastics class, But
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  if it's on the weekend, then you should, you know, cuz what the
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  fuck else are you doing? Truly?
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  So you're going to the gym. You can do that a different
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  time. You're watching a whole bunch of
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  televised sports. I don't have a lot of patience
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  for that. You know, because that is just
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  sitting down, you know, passively consuming shit.
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  And then you're going to be like, well, she's on Facebook a
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  lot. I don't care.
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  What do you like? You're going to compete.
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  Are you going to be a race to the bottom on everything to see
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  who could be like a lazier person?
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  You know, what I'm saying is this.
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  If you want to watch televised sports for the entirety of the
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  weekend with small children, I'm telling you from everything that
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  I know and that I've seen couples counseling, that is, you
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  are creating a tremendous empathic rupture because you
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  only have one weekend, right? The like, it's not like you can
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  alternate like what days the weekend is and like sometimes
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  you know, the the kids are in school when you're watching
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  televised sports, it doesn't work like that.
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  So unless this is a huge family thing where everybody's really
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  into watching sports, people come over, the kids are engaged,
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  somebody you know, like this is a family event.
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  It's fun. This is part of the kids
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  culture. Cool.
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  And maybe you could make it like that.
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  Maybe that could be what you get out of this podcast.
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  Maybe if you want to watch the game that bad, then you should
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  make it part this whole big family event where you get the
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  kids little T-shirts or gear or what have you and everybody's a
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  big fan. And you also save up to get
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  tickets to go in person and take the kids to the game a couple
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  times a season and everybody is a Packers fan or whatever.
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  And that's like a huge thing. And you involve yourself in
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  cleaning the house so that all the family can come over,
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  extended family or friends can come over with their kids, and
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  you take some pictures of the kids in their Packers gear with
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  your wife, who you also bought a Packer sweatshirt for, and
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  whatever the hell else you want to do.
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  But you're going to make it a big event, right?
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  Because otherwise it is just one dude sitting on the couch and
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  his wife figuring out something to do with the kids during that
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  time, which is not a, you know, not a negligible amount of time.
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  It's an entire afternoon, right? And if the kids don't nap during
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  that time, then she's got to figure out something to do with
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  them every single weekend. And it sucks.
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  And for a young woman that you're also leaving money on the
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  table here, because if they do nap, then that's an excellent
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  time to have sex. Because that is not the morning
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  when the kids may wake up. And and it's not the night when
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  she's exhausted, as I've taught you, but it's the afternoon when
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  she could be, you know, pretty in the mood if you weren't
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  watching the game. And if you're like, Oh no, my
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  wife would never want to have sex on in the afternoon, you
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  don't know until you ask. Because she may think that the
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  only option is you sitting on your ass and watching the game.
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  And that does not put her in the mood.
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  But if you were to turn off the game and look at her and say you
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  want to go upstairs, you might be very, very surprised.
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  And if you're listening to this as a woman, you could ask him,
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  do you really? I realized that I would have sex
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  on the weekend if you were not watching the game, because that
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  takes up six hours of your day or of your weekend or whatever.
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  So that's just one big one that I see a lot is, is the sport
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  consumption. Now if you're playing sports,
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  then at least you know you're getting, you're extending your
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  lifespan. The kids are watching you, you
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  know, be healthy, be active, be physical.
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  If you're just an, if, you are literally just watching.
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  And that is like the closest you get to sports is just watching
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  it. You got to think about that,
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  right? Because like, you know, if she
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  sat down and watched reality TV in the middle of the day from
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  1:00 to 4:00, you know, you would not be thrilled about
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  that. Well, you have to figure out
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  what to do with the kids. So, I mean, that just is what it
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  is. And if I lose followers, good,
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  you know, you'll have more time for the sports.
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  And it's just is what it is. But that is truly what I see
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  because she feels that you are picking TV over family time, and
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  that's never going to go well, just like it doesn't go well
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  when you think that she's picking mindless scrolling
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  overtime to be close as a couple, right.
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  So if you want to go on date night, what if you wanted to go
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  on date night? She's like, Nah, got to catch up
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  on reality TV. You would not be happy, right?
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  So, you know, nobody wants to feel second to passive
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  consumption. It's like the worst of any
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  world. The person's not even doing
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  anything and they prefer to be sitting watching something than
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  to be engaging with you. Men feel this is an empathic
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  rupture when the woman is addicted to TV or her phone.
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  And women feel like that when the man is addicted to TV,
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  sports or whatever, and his and or his phone or gaming or
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  whatever. So this is probably beyond the
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  purview of this. I should probably do a whole
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  podcast about that. Anyway, you got to engage on the
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  weekends with the children. I'll tell you, coming out on the
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  other end of it, with my kids all being in double digits, it
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  is a small amount of time you think they're going to want to
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  hang out with you forever and they don't, you know?
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  So she's not wrong in thinking that there's like a finite
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  window that you can engage with these children and do cute stuff
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  with them. And if you think, why is
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  everything about the pictures? I don't even know what to say.
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  I mean, I have made that so clear that people have different
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  values. Women like to look back at the
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  memories of the pictures. The kids look cute.
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  Pictures are big in our culture. This is how you show all of your
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  friends what you did on the weekend.
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  Because we don't all live. Like, it's not like renfest
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  times where we all, like, see each other in the marketplace,
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  you know, and she likes it. Just like how you like porn.
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  Probably would be the equivalent.
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  Like, why do you like looking at moving pictures called
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  pornography? Well, that's why she likes
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  looking at pictures of other people's kids and taking
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  pictures of her own. Because people are visually
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  oriented. And in the absence of actually
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  getting to do those pornography things right, you're going to
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  get to look at them. Which, of course, should you use
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  porn? No.
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  Should she be like literally, like setting up like The Truman
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  Show with your children? No.
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  But if she wants to take a few pictures, you know, you know, of
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  events, that is so she could look at it later and say, I'm a
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  good mom. I did these things.
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  Look how cute the kids are. I want to frame this one.
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  I want to not do I want to, you know, like not frame that one.
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  It's like a whole, like, creative thing.
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  And she puts the pictures up in your house.
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  It's a whole deal. So you got to get with that
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  program. If you want to have a happy
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  wife, you have to engage with the children.
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  For many men, this is not a big deal.
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  And they're already gauging with engaging with the children as
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  much as their wife is. I see that more and more, but I
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  do still still see the opposite of that, where the woman is
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  expected to give her whole weekend over to the children and
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  the man that's his break. And this is particularly
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  egregious when she's a stay at home mom where he feels that
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  that's literally what she signed up for and this is his only time
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  to relax. When is her time to relax then?
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  Right. So you got to think about it.
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  The stay at home moms with the kids that are in school is a
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  different deal. I get it.
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  They got a lot of time to relax. I'm with you.
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  Fine. However, if they are, if if
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  they're not yet school aged and or she's also working right,
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  then she got no time either because she's with them the
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  whole week or she's at work during the week too.
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  So either way nobody has any time.
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  So that means that the weekends have to be split.
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  And if they're split where you take the kids sometimes and then
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  she takes the kids sometimes, that works for some people.
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  But for other people, the more sensitive or the more highly
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  sensitive or, you know, just a family oriented women, really
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  somebody who wants to be in a family versus like a
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  collectivist versus an individualist.
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  So she wants to feel that the whole family does things
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  together. This is really big for a lot of
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  women and men are like, why aren't we dividing and
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  conquering? Maybe you could call a quality
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  time love language because that's what it is too, you know?
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  And so if she wants to do stuff as a couple rather as a family,
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  and you don't ever want to do stuff as a family and basically
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  look at the kids as you know, is it your turn or my turn?
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  I tag you in with the kids so I can do what I want and then you
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  tag me and so you can do what you want.
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  That is a really good way to practice for being divorced.
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  And I see that, in fact that's not just like a throwaway funny
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  line. I see that that that happens
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  when couples get divorced for years already.
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  A lot of times the woman will say to me, well, you know, it's
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  not really going to bother the kids that much as it might with
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  another family because they're used to us just taking turns
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  with them. He does his thing, I I do my
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  thing, you know, he does his thing with the kids while I go
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  to the gym. I watch them while he goes out
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  with his friends. He watches them while I go out
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  with my friends. I travel to see my friends.
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  He travels to see his friends. Basically, we don't have any
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  family time and except like maybe major holidays and that's
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  it. So, you know, then it's the
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  woman says. So the kids aren't really even
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  used to spending time with us together, and so then whatever.
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  Might as well get divorced from her perspective because she's
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  unhappy. She assumes that he doesn't give
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  a shit really about spending time with her because he never
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  really did, with the possible exception of wanting to sleep
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  with her. So this whole family time is
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  major and doing these cute little things that if you want
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  even extra credit, you would take pictures of your wife doing
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  stuff with the children or family pictures, selfies of the
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  whole family. This is important.
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  This is all over media, so you know it's a common female
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  complaint is that they don't have pictures with them and the
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  kids doing cute things. And if they do it's like you
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  know, they had to tell the guy to do it.
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  He doesn't just take pictures. So another one thing you could
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  get out of this podcast is take pictures of your wife with the
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  kids and even send them to her or even post them on social
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  media. And I have a whole podcast about
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  why your wife wants you to post pictures on social media that I
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  believe is that has that is the title.
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  So go forth and listen to that one too.
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  But the kids really only are little a short amount of time.
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  They only want to do cute little stuff a short amount of time.
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  Eventually you get to a point where you know there's like a
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  cute playground somewhere and nobody cares.
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  And that point you know, because the kids are too old to play on
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  the playground and that comes sooner than you think.
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  And your wife talks to other women all the time about the
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  children and at various ages and stages.
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  And so she knows this stuff is fleeting.
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  If she tends toward anxiety or depression, sometimes she can be
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  even very, very, very upset about this.
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  And I have podcasts and posts called Why your wife gets so
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  upset about the kids growing up. That's very relevant to
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  understand this as well. Sometimes she takes it too far.
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  Sometimes she tries to keep them younger than they should be,
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  Like in my in my podcast about how when men want their wife to
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  act like she's younger, it would be the equivalent of the woman
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  wanting the daughter to go to the American Girl doll store
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  into adolescence, right? And so sometimes women actually
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  do stuff like that. They want the kids to act
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  younger than they are because they don't want them to grow up
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  because they're so sad about it. That's not healthy.
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  But when your kids are actually little, wanting to kind of seize
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  the day into cute little family activities is normal and
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  adaptive. And that's being a good mom and
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  by any rubric in our culture, and it's either kind of engage
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  or be left behind because really, she's not going to
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  forgive you for that. And I've seen that so many times
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  in in couples counseling where guys think, man, I really should
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  have done it, you know, I should have gone.
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  I should have gone to the Pumpkin Festival and they say
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  it, you know, I'm this is a big one in therapy for avoidant
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  guys. When they're upset that the
• 14:51
  woman is divorcing them, they say I'm sorry I wasn't involved
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  enough with the family. I'm sorry.
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  I was always doing my own thing. That's true.
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  That's like, you know, and it's not just about her.
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  It's not just about the divorce. As an older man with a with a
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  wider perspective, they think, do I remember sitting down and
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  playing that video game? No.
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  Would I have remembered teaching my kids to swim?
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  Yeah. You know, And my kid would
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  remember it too. And that would have been a nice
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  thing for basically me and the children too.
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  Because remember, it's not just her.
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  The kids also want you there at whatever they're doing.
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  They want you around. And so you know, it's it's
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  something to really reflect on. And if your hackles go up that
• 15:30
  you feel like, oh, I'm on the defensive, think about why.
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  Think about if there's anything, any truth to it that you are you
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  are kind of opting out of a lot of events that would make your
• 15:41
  family units stronger and maybe your wife has a point.
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  Alright, I hope this was useful to you guys and please do
• 15:47
  subscribe and I'll talk to you all soon and have a great day.