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Is Your Spouse Why You Are Unhappy? - Week of July 27th · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for the Week of July 27, 2026 What your spouse does or does
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  not do never justifies treating them badly.
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  July 27, Is Your Spouse Really the Obstacle to Your Happiness?
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  On Facebook, Jay Stringer said, Most couples believe their partner is the primary
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  obstacle to peace or flourishing.
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  Far fewer confront the ways they justify withdrawal, contempt,
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  emotional reactivity, or control because they are not receiving the response they most desire.
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  I was considering what to write about this week when my wonderful wife shared this quote with me.
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  I have felt that with both couples we work with and in my own marriage,
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  so let's go with that this week.
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  I'm sure we've all seen our spouse as an obstacle on occasion,
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  and sometimes that is valid.
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  Sharing life with my wife means I can't, or at least should not,
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  do what I want whenever I want without any regard for her.
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  So she is an obstacle to me living the way I did when I was single,
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  but I knew that was the deal when I married her, and I fully signed on for it.
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  Beyond that, her health, mental or physical, or her limitations,
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  can get in the way of me doing certain things.
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  Of course, I care for her and offer her love and grace, but I'm still blocked.
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  What Jay specified was being an obstacle to our peace or flourishing.
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  These are things that we all value highly, and we get frustrated when we feel blocked.
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  The other thing Jay specified Was seeing your spouse as the Primary obstacle to having those things,
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  We are quick to focus on any little slight by our spouse And we tend to magnify
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  such things beyond what they are,
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  We are also very good at denying or minimizing The things that we have done to our spouse,
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  Doing these things is hardwired into us We don't want to be wrong And we will
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  gladly throw others under the bus To convince ourselves that we're not wrong
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  Or at least not the biggest part of the problem,
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  But even if we're not the biggest part of the problem The only part we can change
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  is what we do and don't do That is where our power to change things lies,
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  Jay says that in his experience working with couples Marriages often begin to
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  change When each partner becomes more interested in confronting themselves Than
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  correcting one another Lori and I see the same thing,
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  I dare you to focus less on what your spouse does And more on what you do It's
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  a difficult thing to do But it's also a powerful way to improve your life and
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  your marriage This is Paul, and looking at yourself is doing marriage well.
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  July 28th, Are You Using Your Spouse's Mistakes to Justify Your Own?
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  Another quote from Jay Stringer, I've become increasingly convinced that many
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  marital conflicts are sustained less by incompatibility than by a loss of integrity.
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  This ties into part of yesterday's quote about spouses engaging in withdrawal,
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  contempt, emotional reactivity, or control because they are not receiving the
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  response they most desire.
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  I've talked about this as what we think we deserve. When our spouse fails to
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  give us what we think we deserve, we get upset.
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  Then we feel justified in treating our spouse in ways we know deep down are
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  wrong It's as if entitlement gives us permission to lower our standards As Jay
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  says, this is a loss of integrity,
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  Integrity is vital in a marriage If your spouse doesn't show integrity,
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  you can't trust them And when you can't trust your spouse, your marriage is in big trouble,
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  What's more, lowering integrity is a vicious spiral One of you lowers integrity
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  as a reaction to something, and that causes the other spouse to do the same thing.
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  True integrity has nothing to do with what others around you are doing.
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  You don't excuse something you do in business as industry standard.
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  Likewise, you don't excuse treating your spouse poorly as justified by their actions.
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  A man or woman of integrity does what is right simply because it is right.
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  They do what is right when no one else is watching, and when those watching
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  think their actions don't make sense.
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  So I ask you, how would God have you treat your spouse? And how well are you
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  doing at treating them that way?
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  By the way, when asked what attracted me to my wife, I have always said her integrity.
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  I knew that she would do what she said. I knew she would do what was right.
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  And I knew she would fight to do those things even when it was difficult.
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  She has been that woman for 41.6 years and it's a big part of why we have such a great marriage.
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  This is Paul and you can't do marriage well without integrity.
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  July 29, Silent Killers, How Withdrawal and Contempt Destroy Marriage,
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  J. Stringer talked about the damage done to marriages when people justify withdrawal or contempt.
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  Let's look at those things. Withdrawal means pulling away, shutting down emotionally,
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  and or stopping all but the most necessary communication.
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  As withdrawal result in not engaging when there is friction,
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  the lack of arguing is sometimes mistaken for being a good thing.
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  But it's not growth or agreement. It just means the person no longer cares.
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  And apathy is a marriage killer. Okay.
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  Withdrawal usually means less physical touch. No longer is there snuggling when
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  going to sleep or waking up.
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  It will likely also mean less sexual engagement. Beyond the physical,
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  it means less emotional interaction.
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  There is less concern for the other's spouse and a lack of support.
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  Other times all these things seem to be present, but it's really just going through the motions.
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  Withdrawal is a marriage emergency. Left untreated, it will end your marriage
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  even if it doesn't lead to divorce.
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  The problem is the one who has withdrawn no longer cares And is not particularly
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  interested in getting help If you see withdrawal developing,
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  act quickly If it's already set in, get help You're going to need it,
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  Contempt can come out as mockery or sarcasm It can be cruel humor,
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  name-calling, or ugly accusations Or it could be as simple as rolling the eyes
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  Or making grunts of disgust.
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  Contempt is a poison Marriage expert John Gottman says it is the single greatest
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  predictor of divorce This makes contempt an even greater emergency than withdrawal.
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  If you realize you are guilty of contempt, deal with it, and be brutal about
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  it. If you know what you use to justify contempt, deal with that.
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  Be on the lookout for contempt, and shut it down at the first hint.
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  Beyond that, apologize.
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  Don't explain or tell your spouse why, just say you were wrong.
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  Tell them that they don't deserve to be treated that way, and you're deeply sorry.
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  If you're the recipient of contempt, I'd suggest you get help.
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  You might try calmly saying, I feel contempt in how you're speaking to me. What's going on?
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  It's unlikely to make a difference in the moment, but if you don't get angry,
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  your spouse might think about it later and realize they were out of line.
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  Nothing your spouse does justifies these marriage-killing actions.
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  Are you guilty of either?
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  This is Paul, and doing marriage well means treating your spouse well.
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  July 30th, Beyond the Fight-or-Flight Marriage, Overcoming Reactivity and Control.
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  Emotional reactivity is a tendency to respond impulsively and strongly to everyday
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  frustrations and minor issues.
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  Emotional reactivity is driven by our fight-or-flight system,
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  not our rational mind. We can try to fight it, or we can give in to it.
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  Once emotional reactivity kicks in, you are no longer having a calm, rational discussion.
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  We don't really hear what is being said to us when we are emotionally reactive
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  because we see our spouse as a threat to us.
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  We attack, run, or freeze, none of which allows for discussion.
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  External stress is often a factor. If you already feel threatened,
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  it doesn't take much to be pushed over the edge.
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  But if we justify doing this to our spouse because of other stress,
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  it means we won't even try to avoid it.
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  Neither do we feel the need to apologize for it later. Control is a common issue in marriage.
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  We all want control of our life and surroundings, and controlling our spouse
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  makes us feel we have that.
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  The problem, of course, is no one likes being controlled.
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  Men tend to try to control overtly,
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  while women are more likely to be manipulative. Both hurt at marriage.
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  No one wants to be close to or interact with someone who is trying to control them.
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  Beyond withdrawal, contempt, emotional reactivity, and control,
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  are there other things that you have justified or been tempted to justify because
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  your spouse hasn't given you the response you desire from them,
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  were you holding back or pushing because of what you see as their failed response?
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  This is Paul, and justification does not lead to doing marriage well.
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  July 31st. The sex is different lie. Separate rules hurt your marriage.
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  Have you ever treated your spouse badly because they didn't give you the response
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  you desired in bed? Do you think your spouse has ever done this to you?
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  The hardcore versions of this are only being nice after you get sex,
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  or only saying yes to sex when you want something.
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  Usually, it's more subtle, but if it keeps happening, the other spouse figures it out.
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  Rather than kicking around various ways this plays out, I want to deal with
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  an issue that can be part of this. It's called Sex is Different.
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  Sex is different, and the rules that apply to the rest of the marriage relationship
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  do not apply to sex. Sex gets its own set of rules.
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  The spouse who's less interested in sex doesn't want to feel obligated to have sex unless they want it.
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  They feel they should have the right to veto sex for any reason,
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  and the idea of being sexually generous is borderline abusive.
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  The reasoning is that sex is so intimate and personal, it's unfair to treat
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  it like every other aspect of marriage.
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  The spouse who is more interested in sex feels sex should happen regardless
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  of what is happening in the relationship.
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  They feel being at odds with each other or having treated their spouse poorly
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  should not justify saying no to sex.
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  Sex is not part of the relationship. It's a whole different thing.
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  The reasoning is sex is so important it's wrong to say no for relationship issues.
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  I think both of these are wrong and unbiblical.
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  The Bible is clear that we are to be sexual. Aside from medical or other life-happens
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  reasons, it gives one valid reason for not having sex, and that one is to be by mutual consent.
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  On the other hand, the Bible does not make anyone a sexual slave,
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  and it does not give a spouse the right to demand sex.
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  If you have hurt your spouse or ignored them, they're not wanting to have sex
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  is reasonable. It's not retaliation, it's emotional self-protection.
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  What's more, forcing yourself to have sex in such a situation can cause additional
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  hurt and can make the person stop wanting to have sex at all.
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  If you think sex is different, I suggest you spend some time thinking and praying
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  about that. Are you making excuses or justifying something?
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  Is what you think fair to your spouse? Does it favor love, generosity, and godly behavior?
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  This is Paul reminding you that doing sex well looks different for every couple.