Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 90: Increasing Vitality by Stopping and Starting one Thing

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90: Increasing Vitality by Stopping and Starting one Thing · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  So today I want to share with you a very simple way to increase your own personal vibration.
• 0:27
  Okay.
• 0:27
  This is your zest for life, and it's the idea of finding one thing to stop doing.
• 0:33
  And one thing to start doing now, oftentimes a really talk about the things that we want to start doing, but because we're still doing all of the things that are essentially self-sabotaging us, we don't really think about, okay, what do I need to intentionally stop doing in order to make room for.
• 0:48
  The things that I do intentionally want to start doing And in case you need a little bit of help coming up with ideas about what it is that you would like to stop doing and what you would like to start doing.
• 0:58
  I'm going to share with you 10 things that I've either been working on in my personal life, or that I have seen come up in my practice.
• 1:05
  Okay.
• 1:06
  So number one is stop scrolling and I get it.
• 1:09
  The, when we're scrolling, it feels like we're busy.
• 1:12
  We feel like we're doing something.
• 1:13
  Cause our finger is moving and our eyes are moving and maybe we're even consuming a lot of things.
• 1:18
  But oftentimes when we're scrolling.
• 1:20
  We're not doing something else.
• 1:22
  Right?
• 1:22
  So we might be using scrolling as a way to not do the work that we're supposed to be doing.
• 1:27
  Or we're using scrolling as a false form of connection.
• 1:31
  We might be scrolling and looking at other people's speed.
• 1:33
  And we think that we're getting connection with other people by scrolling, but really it's a false sense of connection we aren't actually connecting with or engaging with these people online.
• 1:44
  So stop scrolling.
• 1:46
  And then for the thing I'd like you to start doing is start actually filling the real need that the scrolling is the counterfeit for.
• 1:52
  So for example, this might be actually calling friends and initiating getting together.
• 1:57
  This is going to create that true sense of connection.
• 2:00
  Or maybe instead you're going to start actually working on that project or working towards that goal.
• 2:06
  That you have been putting off by scrolling, right?
• 2:09
  There's so much that we can accomplish in life.
• 2:11
  If we're just willing to stop doing the things that are not serving us and actually focus on the things that really support the life that we want to create.
• 2:20
  All right.
• 2:20
  Number two, stop eating junk and start fueling your body.
• 2:25
  Now for me, I have recognized that as I get older, I am a lot more sensitive to specifically sugar.
• 2:31
  I got an really delicious package of cookies the other day, and I ate more than my fair share.
• 2:36
  And those cookies gave me a headache.
• 2:39
  I recognize that as I get older, I have to be more intentional about how I care for and fuel my body.
• 2:46
  Because if I'm not careful, and if I pretend that I'm still younger and that I can eat that many cookies and not have any issues.
• 2:53
  I'm going to recognize pretty quickly that, Nope, that's a lie that I'm telling myself because I'm still going to be getting the headaches.
• 2:58
  I'm going to be having a harder time with those sugars.
• 3:01
  And so stop eating the junk and then start actually fueling your body with things that really do support your body.
• 3:09
  So, for example, this morning, I sent a text in my family's group chat saying, Hey, who would be open to the idea of replacing one meal a day?
• 3:18
  With a smoothie so that we have one meal a day where we're really packing in those nutrients.
• 3:23
  We're getting the fruits and the vegetables in a huge concentrated dose.
• 3:28
  And it was kind of fun to see my kids where it sounds like most of them were on board.
• 3:31
  As long as they get a say into what flavors they're not going to drink.
• 3:34
  The ones that are just green.
• 3:35
  Right.
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  The spinach and the cucumber.
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  Not their favorite.
• 3:39
  But they are open to the fruit smoothies where I also sneak in a little bit of spinach.
• 3:43
  They're okay with those.
• 3:44
  So finding ways to really support the body support the life that you want to create.
• 3:50
  You recognize what things you're putting into your body that are no longer serving you?
• 3:54
  This might also be true if you, maybe if you smoke or you vape or you drink and you want to really cut out those things that are no longer serving you or limit them in moderation.
• 4:03
  Because you recognize that it's having a negative impact.
• 4:06
  And that you want to create something better for you.
• 4:09
  So, whatever it is for you, health wise, find that one thing that you want to stop doing.
• 4:14
  And identify one thing that you want to start doing in its place.
• 4:17
  All right.
• 4:18
  Number three, stop, ruminating, and start focusing on the things that you have control over.
• 4:24
  I see this quite often in my practice where a lot of people that I work with, they really guilt themselves.
• 4:29
  When they find that they've been ruminating, And when they do this, they're essentially using their own thoughts against themselves.
• 4:36
  They're essentially thinking, well, if I can just change my thoughts.
• 4:39
  Then I just won't be ruminating on this anymore.
• 4:41
  But more likely than not, if you're ruminating on something generally speaking it's because there's an injustice wound somewhere in there.
• 4:48
  We're thinking this just doesn't fair.
• 4:50
  This just shouldn't have happened.
• 4:52
  We're reliving it to validate to ourselves that that's not something that is in alignment with our value system.
• 4:58
  So recognize that.
• 4:59
  Yes, I have been ruminating on this, but when I ruminate on it, I'm focusing on the things that are out of my control.
• 5:06
  And then rewire that brain to focus on the things that you do actually have control over.
• 5:12
  It can take some practice because oftentimes we have really embedded those neural pathways in our brains.
• 5:18
  To say, Nope.
• 5:18
  This is where my brain is going to go.
• 5:20
  Anytime that I'm reminded of that person or that situation.
• 5:23
  I'm going to just default to ruminating on all of the ways that that was unjust, that that was unfair.
• 5:30
  That was unkind or hurtful.
• 5:32
  Now this is just your brain recognizing what things are not in alignment with you.
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  So acknowledge to your brain that you're right.
• 5:38
  That is not in alignment with my values.
• 5:40
  I hear you.
• 5:41
  And maybe the person that you're ruminating on, maybe they will never acknowledge it, but that's okay.
• 5:45
  You acknowledge it to yourself and then start to focus on the things that you do have control over.
• 5:51
  You might not have control over the other person, but you always have control over your response to other people.
• 5:58
  So stop ruminating and start focusing on those things that are in your control.
• 6:03
  All right.
• 6:04
  Number four, stop sitting around and start moving.
• 6:09
  Again, I'm recognizing as I get older, how important healthy movement is for me, I recognize that my back is going to hurt a little bit more.
• 6:17
  If I'm not doing yoga, I'm going to recognize that, okay, it's kind of a use it or lose it at this point.
• 6:23
  It used to be that my body was pretty resilient and I could go out and do things, but I really do need to take time each and every day to maintain healthy movement.
• 6:32
  So stop sitting around start healthy movement.
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  All right.
• 6:35
  Number five, stop spending time with those that drain and start intentionally investing in those that light you up.
• 6:44
  Now, everybody kind of has somebody in their life more than likely that is a bit of a drain.
• 6:49
  And the thing is, as you intentionally spend time with people that really fill you up and light you up, it's actually easier to still be in relationship with the people that are a bit of a drain.
• 6:59
  I work with a lot of caregivers and so sometimes they're just feeling really burned out and the other person.
• 7:04
  They might not actually be able to reinvest in the relationship.
• 7:08
  It is a very one-sided dynamic.
• 7:10
  So here they're investing into the other person and not much is coming in.
• 7:14
  It's okay to acknowledge that, you know what, for right now, I need to take a break and I need to choose to intentionally invest in those that really light me up.
• 7:23
  I need something to fill my own cup.
• 7:26
  That is 100%.
• 7:27
  Okay.
• 7:28
  And it's in fact, a good thing to do because as I said, the more you're able to keep yourself maintained and keep your own personal energy levels up.
• 7:36
  The better, you'll be able to love and serve those that you're caring for.
• 7:41
  All right.
• 7:41
  Number six, stop numbing.
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  And this might be TV.
• 7:45
  This might be podcast.
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  This might be audio books.
• 7:47
  Those are kind of what I do.
• 7:48
  I, I tend to numb out with a lot of podcasts and a lot of audio books.
• 7:52
  I have a lot.
• 7:53
  Of information coming in.
• 7:55
  And I find that I can recognize when I'm actually numbing when I'm not actually taking the time to process what it is that I'm even listening to.
• 8:03
  I might listen to an entire chapter in a book and not be able to tell you what was said, because I'm not actually listening to listen.
• 8:11
  Right.
• 8:11
  I am listening in order to numb.
• 8:13
  I'm trying to pretend that something else doesn't exist and it's overstimulating for my mind.
• 8:18
  So stop numbing and start meditating.
• 8:21
  Creating that empty space can be very, very beneficial.
• 8:25
  Like I know for me, I have to mix it up a bit.
• 8:28
  So when I find that I have reached my saturation point with all of my inputs around the podcast and the audio books.
• 8:34
  Maybe I will just listen to some music to help, to clear my head, or I will work to be intentional about creating that silent space.
• 8:41
  Where I can just think and feel and meditate.
• 8:44
  And I'll be honest that this is another thing where it's kind of a use it or lose it.
• 8:47
  Where, if I am not really intentional about creating that sacred space to meditate and to feel and to process, it becomes a significant challenge for me to actually just sit still.
• 8:58
  And in silence.
• 8:59
  And so if you are struggling to sit still and be in the silence, it might be because you have been numbing unintentionally for a little bit too long and it's okay.
• 9:08
  It's just like a muscle you can regain that.
• 9:11
  But work towards creating some of those spaces.
• 9:13
  For that quiet meditation.
• 9:17
  All right.
• 9:17
  Number seven, stop placating, and start stating boundaries.
• 9:22
  Now, this one is, especially for the people pleasers.
• 9:24
  We love to play K others, but recognize that when you are placating others, it's not that you want to give them a wholehearted.
• 9:31
  Yes.
• 9:31
  It's not that you really fully agree with them, but you placate them in order to keep the peace.
• 9:36
  But oftentimes this creates an internal struggle with self.
• 9:40
  So notice if you're just saying, oh yeah, I really love that too, or sure.
• 9:44
  They're my favorite too.
• 9:45
  If you're disagreeing with people just to be agreeable notice what is happening inside of you.
• 9:49
  And recognize when you're starting to feel those feelings of anger and resentment.
• 9:53
  maybe this is a situation where I need to state a boundary.
• 9:57
  So this might be that you consistently are agreeing to help out so-and-so with, whatever it is.
• 10:02
  But recognize when it is that you're starting to feel burned out and practice stating those boundaries.
• 10:08
  And I get it.
• 10:08
  If you haven't been practicing stating boundaries, this can be quite a challenge because it feels really uncomfortable.
• 10:14
  It feels out of our character, but if you want your relationships to be sustainable and to be fulfilling for both parties, it is essential that you learn how to lovingly state boundaries.
• 10:25
  So stop placating others.
• 10:27
  Start stating boundaries.
• 10:30
  All right.
• 10:30
  Number eight, stop people pleasing and start only saying yes.
• 10:35
  When you really mean it.
• 10:36
  Now, again, this takes consciously raising your awareness.
• 10:40
  So when you are people pleasing, sometimes we really do think in the moment that.
• 10:44
  Oh, no, that's fine.
• 10:44
  I can totally do that.
• 10:45
  Even though I have 57 other things on my list.
• 10:47
  Yeah, that's totally fine.
• 10:49
  And maybe it's not even until after the fact that you even know that you've bitten off more than you can chew.
• 10:54
  It's almost like when you're going out to eat somewhere and you're so hungry at this buffet.
• 10:59
  So you totally fill up your plate with all of this food, and then you realize halfway in the, oh my goodness.
• 11:04
  There is no possible way that I can.
• 11:07
  Possibly finish everything that is on my plate.
• 11:10
  Oftentimes people pleasers, it's the same kind of idea.
• 11:13
  We tell people.
• 11:14
  Oh yeah, sure.
• 11:14
  Of course I can do that.
• 11:16
  And we don't recognize until a bit later on once we've actually started doing these things for other people that Ono.
• 11:23
  I have definitely bitten off more than I can chew.
• 11:26
  So really feel into that and recognize that, okay, that is my tendency.
• 11:30
  My tendency is to say yes now and regret it later.
• 11:33
  And I want to change that because I want to create more supportive relationships, recognize that it is actually a kindness to even let somebody know, Hey, you know what?
• 11:41
  I will get back to a little bit later.
• 11:43
  I'm going to need some time to look at my schedule, give yourself some time to really look at it and see, okay.
• 11:48
  Is this really something that I can say a wholehearted yes.
• 11:50
  To, or am I going to regret it later?
• 11:53
  It does take some practice, rewiring the brain, but it is so worth it and will make your relationships so much more sustainable.
• 12:00
  For a long time.
• 12:01
  I always said yes to everything.
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  Everyone would call me to help out because they knew they could count on me.
• 12:07
  They knew that I would say yes, they knew that I would rearrange my schedule to prioritize their priorities.
• 12:14
  But eventually I hit a point.
• 12:15
  Where I really, I could not do it anymore.
• 12:18
  I was becoming very angry and resentful, and I knew that if I said yes to one more thing, I might break, I might lash out at the very people that I love.
• 12:28
  So for a certain season of life, I had to say no to everything and I mean, everything.
• 12:34
  They'd call and ask for something.
• 12:35
  And I just really had to practice saying no, because I was feeling so depleted during that season.
• 12:42
  So I get it that it can take practice and that you have practicing yes, for a long time.
• 12:47
  But I want you to really look at what has that created for me and are there places in my life where I do need to set a boundary and practice only saying yes, when you can actually give a whole hearted.
• 12:57
  Yes.
• 12:58
  There is so much internal peace that comes from saying yes to those things that you can give a whole.
• 13:03
  Hearted.
• 13:04
  Yes, too.
• 13:05
  And yeah, after I said no to a lot of things, I was able to get my own self regulated so that I could actually say yes with a heart of peace.
• 13:14
  It's kind of sneaky when you're a people pleaser, because we say yes, oftentimes with the unspoken expectation that then other people will help us, but we don't ever actually communicate with that.
• 13:23
  That's like a secret covert contract.
• 13:25
  So working towards only saying yes.
• 13:27
  When you can actually say yes.
• 13:29
  Then that actually can bring a lot of peace and yes, I do have other episodes on the subject.
• 13:33
  I cannot remember what number.
• 13:35
  But I will listen back to this and link it in the show notes so that you can practice saying no and see how boundaries really can help to support.
• 13:42
  A more authentic and connective relationship.
• 13:46
  All right.
• 13:46
  Number nine, stop, fake rusting, and start real resting.
• 13:52
  Now, let me explain what fake resting is.
• 13:54
  Fake resting is scrolling on social media.
• 13:57
  It's watching TV for hours on end.
• 13:59
  It's wearing your pajamas when you're still really working crazy hard.
• 14:03
  There's a lot of ways that we fake rest and we try to trick ourselves into believing.
• 14:08
  That that's actually going to be fulfilling a need for us.
• 14:11
  And again, there is an episode that I've done quite recently on this, and I cannot remember which one.
• 14:15
  But it is on the seven types of rest.
• 14:17
  So I encourage you to go back and listen to that one.
• 14:18
  But as you think about rest and true rest, it's not so much about getting sleep and taking a break from the thing, but it's more figuring out what do I need in this part of my life to really light me up and energize me.
• 14:31
  So, for example, if I'm thinking that scrolling is going to help me to unwind and feel connected to my friends, when really I need to just get out of the house.
• 14:40
  Then that's not going to fill the actual need for me in that situation, I'd be needing social arrest and I might need something to look forward to on my calendar.
• 14:49
  I might need some energizing conversation and that would feel more restful to me than staying in bed and scrolling social media.
• 14:56
  Now, likewise, I might think, okay, well I'm wearing my pajamas, so I'm resting, but if I'm still working really hard on my business and creating all my content and getting it scheduled out and not actually arresting, I'm trying to trick myself and I'm not going to be feeling very fulfilled.
• 15:11
  And so recognizing that just because I have my PJ's on.
• 15:14
  And I think that I'm resting because I'm in my bed while I'm working.
• 15:18
  I am not actually rusting..
• 15:21
  So notice when you find yourself unwinding at the end of the day, ask yourself, okay.
• 15:25
  Is this true resting or is this fake resting?
• 15:29
  Am I just pretending that I'm resting?
• 15:31
  See, if you can identify what the actual need is and what will actually help you to feel rested and rejuvenated.
• 15:39
  And maybe this true rusting, maybe it looks like taking a walk in nature.
• 15:43
  Maybe it looks like calling that friend, or maybe it looks like doing an art project, but find things that really light you up and help you to feel truly rested and leave you feeling refreshed and energized.
• 15:56
  Okay now, number 10, stop the negative self-talk and start the positive self-talk.
• 16:01
  So often we use that negative self-talk in our own minds.
• 16:05
  And we believe it because we have used that same dialogue with ourselves for years.
• 16:09
  We believe it because we think it's true and it sounds like it's in our own voice.
• 16:13
  So we allow that record to play on repeat in our mind.
• 16:18
  And so what I would like you to do is work to actually identify that negative self-talk and actually label is, oh, I didn't recognize that I was actually using negative self-talk right now.
• 16:28
  That's not true.
• 16:29
  That's just a thought that I'm having, that's not actually true.
• 16:32
  And then work to remove that thought and insert the positive self-talk.
• 16:37
  I was recently listening to a podcast episode and I wish I could remember what one, but as you know, I listened to so many books and so many podcasts that I can't remember, but it was really interesting to hear them talking about how they talk to themselves.
• 16:49
  And one of the women on the podcast was talking about how now she's in a place where anytime she walks by a mirror, She gives herself a little wink.
• 16:57
  Or she'll blow herself a kiss or she'll give herself a fist bump or a high five, but she finds ways to positively engage with herself.
• 17:05
  And I thought, what a great way to start shifting that internal dialogue.
• 17:09
  You don't have to necessarily be telling yourself, Hey, I love you.
• 17:12
  You're beautiful and amazing.
• 17:13
  And the most incredible human that I've ever met.
• 17:15
  Although I do highly encourage doing that.
• 17:17
  But if you're not in a place where you can actually express those positive affirmations toward self, then I highly encourage you to just start having playful interactions with yourself.
• 17:27
  Give yourself a wink, give yourself a high five.
• 17:30
  And just practice doing that every time you go by a mirror and just see how things shift for you.
• 17:36
  All right.
• 17:36
  So there you go.
• 17:37
  Those are my ideas for 10 things that you should stop doing and start doing.
• 17:41
  And I just want you to pick one, just pick one to work on and see how it shifts things for you.
• 17:46
  And if you came up with another idea, I would love to hear about it.
• 17:49
  So come and find me on social media.
• 17:51
  And let me know what it is that you're choosing to stop doing and what you're choosing to start doing.
• 17:57
  I would really love to know how that is shifting things for you.
• 17:59
  And if you recognize that you have a harder time letting go of those things that you want to stop doing, and you're having a hard time replacing it with something more positive, come and work with me.
• 18:10
  As I have said, I have been there.
• 18:12
  I have worked through it and coaching has dramatically changed my life.
• 18:16
  Right now.
• 18:17
  I am offering six week packages.
• 18:19
  And so if you can dedicate six weeks.
• 18:21
  To self-improvement.
• 18:23
  I think that you will be blown away by how much we can accomplish together.
• 18:27
  So if you would like to work with me, go ahead and contact me.
• 18:29
  All of my information is in the show notes.
• 18:31
  I would love to work with you.
• 18:34
  All right.
• 18:34
  So here's to a week of living more intentionally, uh, finding one thing to stop doing.
• 18:39
  And one thing to start doing.
• 18:40
  All right.
• 18:41
  I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 18:43
  Bye now.