Latest / Learn to Thrive with ADHD Podcast / Ep 114: Emotional Maturity Is a Skill - Especially for ADHD Brains

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Ep 114: Emotional Maturity Is a Skill - Especially for ADHD Brains · Learn to Thrive with ADHD Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Learn to Thrive with ADHD.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is the podcast for adults with ADHD or ADHD-like symptoms.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Coach Mandy John.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here to make your life with ADHD easier.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, my friends.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Today I want to talk to you about something that affects almost every part of ADHD, but most of us weren't taught how to develop it, and that's emotional maturity.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: And before you think that has nothing to do with ADHD, or maybe you feel you're already a mature person, but stay with me because I think we can all develop our emotional maturity in some area of our lives, and it can help us tremendously.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Think of that one person or that one thing that always sets you off.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: What if it didn't anymore, or you were better able to handle it when it did?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: This subject might explain so many ways that you react even internally and give you some ways you can make living life with ADHD even better.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't about being calm all the time or being perfect or never reacting.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional maturity is a set of skills.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's what helps us understand ourselves, hold steady when emotions get big, communicate better, and take responsibility in a healthy way.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And these are skills anyone can learn at any age.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: I want to start with something personal.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Over the years, I've noticed moments where I showed great emotional maturity and moments where I definitely did not.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I think there was more of the latter.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Moments where I surprised myself in the best way, and other moments when I caused myself a lot of problems because of lack of emotional maturity.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you're able to relate to that, you're in the right place today.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I've learned that this is completely normal for ADHD brains.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And when I'm talking with friends, clients, or even reflecting on my own life, I can see exactly where maturity helps me and exactly where the lack of it causes me trouble.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: So, parenting, for example.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the parenting struggles I've had weren't actually about my kids' behavior.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: They were about my emotional maturity in that moment.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the interesting part.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional maturity can sometimes feel boring.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And what do ADHD brains hate the most?
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Boredom.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: What if maturity doesn't have to feel boring at all?
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: What if it actually creates more freedom and not less?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: You absolutely can have both.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: The truth is there are some of us that grew up with emotional chaos, and it can make you feel more normal to recreate that in your life.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's not your fault, but it's now your responsibility.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself if this is what you really want to continue.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to perpetuate that with your current relationships in your life?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Something else that helped me understand all of this was learning that ADHD development often runs behind.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: When I first heard Dr.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Russell Barkley talk about ADHD or having about a three-year emotional delay, I really didn't like it.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: It made me mad.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: It felt unfair, and I really wanted it to be untrue.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: But what I learned next changed how I see ADHD entirely.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: As I learned more, as I coached more people with ADHD, I realized there was some truth to it.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: There's a study published in Frontiers in Human Neuroscience that compared over 500 children with ADHD to their non-ADHD peers on attention, timing, impulsivity, and hyperactivity.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: The ADHD kids consistently performed like children one to three years younger.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: In hyperactivity, some performed like kids several years younger than that.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is important to talk about.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: I actually, you know, I have some notes here in front of me, but I want to pause this right here.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are a parent with a child with ADHD, which if you have children, you likely are, probably at least one of them has ADHD.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And you are noticing that their behavior is not up to where you think it should be as far as their maturity level.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: This is where you can give them some grace.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: This could be going on with them as well.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Also, you can look at adults in your life that might have ADHD.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And are they not up to the maturity level that you feel that they should be?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Then we can give them grace with this as well.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I just wanted to add that little piece in there that I didn't have in my notes.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: These patterns showed up across multiple age groups and they matched what we often see behaviorally with ADHD.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't mean you're immature as a person.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: It means your emotional develop follows a different timeline.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And it continues to grow throughout adulthood, but not necessarily without any effort, especially with those that we feel safe with.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about what emotional maturity actually is.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional maturity is doing what's best for you, not just what you want to do in the moment.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: In choosing to pause instead of react, in noticing your feelings without letting them run your life.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's communicating honestly.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's taking responsibility without shame.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's repairing when things go wrong.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And it's knowing that your emotions don't make you bad, they make you human.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: And if any of this is feeling out of reach in the moment, that this is way beyond what you're able to deal with in the, you know, the heated moment of your life right now, don't worry, because we're gonna break it down in a way that actually works for our ADHD brains.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional maturity grows when we move out of what's sometimes called emotional childhood into emotional adulthood.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll be honest, when I first heard this term emotional childhood, I really hated it.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: It sounded insulting.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: But once I understood what it actually meant, it made so much sense.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional childhood is when we're reacting from old patterns, fears, and impulses.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional adulthood is when we slow down and we choose our response from intention and not let the emotions run the show.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the encouraging part.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: You could step into emotional adulthood at any age.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: You have not missed your chance.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: A question I like to ask myself is how can I make today just a little better than yesterday?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you can do that with your emotional maturity as well.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's all emotional maturity is small choices that support your future self.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now, many of us didn't grow up around people who had strong emotional maturity themselves.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't have the tools to teach us what they didn't know.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And they were just doing the best they could with what they had.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: And once you understand that, your own behavior and other people's behavior suddenly makes a lot more sense.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: For me personally, a lot of my ADHD difficulties improved when I started building emotional maturity on purpose.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And that happened when I was being coached, learning to coach while I was getting certified, and using the tools with my clients every day now.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: The work that I do as an ADHD coach focuses on two sides: building executive function skills and building mental fitness.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: The ability to understand your thoughts, emotions, and patterns, because it's true.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your thoughts create your feelings, your feelings drive your actions, and your actions create the results that you get in your life.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: When you understand what you're feeling and why, you can pause more easily.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: That pause alone is emotional maturity.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And if pausing feels impossible to you right now, that's okay.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: This next part's gonna help.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do we build emotional maturity with ADHD?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: One of the simplest ways is through a framework I teach called the Easy Framework.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: I go into the full version in episode 110, but here's a brief version and how it supports emotional maturity.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: E is for evaluate.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: That is where you take a clear, honest look at what's going on, not judge yourself, but understand yourself.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is our first clue that there is something that we would like to change or strengthen.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: A is for awareness.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is the heart of emotional maturity.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Awareness is noticing your thoughts, your feelings, your beliefs, your patterns.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: You can't change what you don't notice.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: And awareness helps you respond instead of react.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: S is for systems and skills.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is the practical side.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional maturity improves when your life is supported.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Routines, habits, tools, emotional regulation, skills, these are learnable.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Systems aren't about controlling yourself, they're about supporting yourself.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Why is for you to show up.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is where emotional adulthood comes alive.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: You don't wait to feel ready.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: You don't wait to feel perfect.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: You just show up for yourself in the next small way.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: And when you show up imperfectly and return to it again, that's where maturity grows.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, you can go deeper into this framework with episode 110.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: But for today, when we build emotional maturity, even slowly, ADHD gets easier.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: We avoid less.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: We recover from rejection more easily.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: We communicate better.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: We trust ourselves.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: We stop spiraling.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: We stop taking everything personally.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: And we begin living from intention instead of overwhelm.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're thinking, I don't even know where to start, this is your sign that you're already starting simply by listening and becoming aware.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to remember this part.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're not behind, you're not broken, you are learning skills most people were never taught.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: And you're building emotional maturity on a timeline that works for your brain.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you want support, encouragement, and tools like these delivered straight to you, I want you to join my newsletter.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: I only email you once a week unless there's something special going on.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where I share my self-coaching prompts, ADHD friendly strategies, and updates you won't hear anywhere else.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: You can find the sign-up link at www.learn to thrive with ADHD.com forward slash weekly, where you can hear from me each week.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for spending time with me this week.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: You are growing, you are improving, and I'm proud of you.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you next week.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for your time today and especially your attention.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: If you're anything like me, you love to learn.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, though, we can know what to do, but struggle to put it into action without the right support.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's what private ADHD coaching is for to give you the unique support and accountability you need to make the change you know is possible.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Book a free consultation with me today at www.learn to thrive with ADHD.com backslash services.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: I look forward to meeting you.