Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When You're Never Attracted To Who's Attracted To You

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When You're Never Attracted To Who's Attracted To You · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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Hi guys, and welcome to the dr. Psych mom's show.
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I have another subscriber question today.
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She says that she has a lot of friends that are single women
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that want to get married and have kids but they continually
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find themselves disappointed in love because the men that they
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want, don't want them. And the men that do want them,
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they're not attracted to and I verified if she sure that these
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women want kids and families on to be in a relationship and
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she's I said, yeah, they do and they say that they do but then
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it seems like they can never find anybody where the, you
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know, where they like the person as much as the person likes
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them. And this is actually kind of a
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common problem and usually these end up being the women that some
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of their friends are like, oh my God.
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You're so picky and is it an interesting topic, right?
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Because of course, you want to be selective with your life
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partner. But if all your friends are
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saying that you're too picky this, probably like a reason for
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that. And it's, because you're really
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not very open-minded, that is okay.
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So there's five personality, traits key personality traits,
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according to the big five model. So the acronym is ocean.
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Openness conscientiousness. It's really openness to
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experience. Conscientiousness, extraversion
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agreeableness and neuroticism, and there's research on which of
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these lead to happy relationships.
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And openness to experience is not surprisingly, something that
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does. And of course, neuroticism is
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something that doesn't neuroticism means more
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depressive. Anxiety symptoms that's used to
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be called neurotic in the day of Woody Allen, right?
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So what these likely these women and of course, there are many
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men like this, too. Because I get men.
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Also that say, I only want the women that don't want me, they
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don't phrase it quite so neatly for me to immediately engage in.
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Oh, shit. I wonder what happened in your
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family of origin that you would self-sabotage in this way but
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don't worry, we got there within the first few sessions, but
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think about it. If you only want people that
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don't want you, you are not. First of all, there's something
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going on there with self-sabotage.
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And second of all you are being very close-minded, likely about
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all the people that like you because I don't buy that.
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There is zero chemistry with any of the men that these women.
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I don't want a date. I mean, there's a lot of men in
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the world, right? And I just do not buy it.
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Statistically doesn't make sense to me because I've seen it so
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much in practice that they do have chemistry with some of
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these guys. They are attracted to some of
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them but guess what? They don't have.
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Maybe they don't have the six-figure job.
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Maybe they aren't over 6 feet tall.
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Maybe they do not have a huge penis.
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I have literally had people who say that this is a problem and
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that is real. That's Some people are going for
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just like, men are looking for certain body types, right?
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Maybe they have a guy that does not didn't graduate from an Ivy
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League school or didn't even go to college or whatever.
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But with whom they do have chemistry and with whom they may
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be very deeply compatible. So if this is the case, then
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this requires a really deep dive into, why you can be judgmental
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and intolerant. So, if there are men that you
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have felt chemistry, With that, you think are nice guys.
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Now if there's no Chemistry by the way, no go definitely.
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No go. If there's zero chemistry but
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haven't seen multiple women that have never women in their 30s.
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She says that have never been attracted to a nice kind of man
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that then they can have a relationship with speaks to one
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of two things. So either it is, this being
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overly close-minded. Or in another case, it can be Be
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an Imago Theory sort of thing. And I could talk about Imago
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Theory and a podcast. But Imago Theory, basically
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means that you are going for somebody like your caregiver.
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So what is this mean? In terms of this situation, It
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means if your caregiver, never responded to you well and gave
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you the attention and approval that you need, then you're
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always going to only be attracted to men who don't
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really like you that much. So, this is a sad state of
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events so it can be one of two things or both a, you are closed
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minded to different sorts of men than you may have picked out in
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your mind in a fairy tale of what your marriage is supposed
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to look like, which we're going to explore or you are literally
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only attracted to men who don't like you like, it could be the
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same man, same resume and if he likes you you're not going to be
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into him and if he doesn't you're going to be in town.
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So these can be different or they can overlap each other, but
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these are the two main reasons that I see.
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So, if we start with the first one, why would somebody be
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overly selective in this way? Frequently there are some
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narcissistic traits, where somebody is really, really
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image-conscious so they can be attracted.
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To a guy but if that guy is not going to make more than all of
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her friends husbands and he's not going to be able to impress,
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her parents, with all of these stories about his travels abroad
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and he's not going to be worldly and well-dressed, and funnier
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than a comedian and smarter than a professor, then it's not going
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to happen. Another reason that people can
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be selectively that isn't about narcissistic traits is about
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kind of the what the media feeds you.
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You know. I mean it used to be bad enough
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that there were romantic movies and that there were romantic
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novels. But now everybody's on social
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media too. And there's all these like
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relationship goals and like cute little, couple videos
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everywhere, and people aren't obviously posting the bad parts
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and let's see. It's the cute bad part, so I
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feel that it seems even kind of more possible than ever.
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To lead this fairy tale life where you are with your complete
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soulmate and in these situations, they don't even
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really have the Nuance of a movie or a book.
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They are really just a snapshot in time where everything looks
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completely perfect between this couple.
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So it feeds this idea that that is possible.
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Able to get somebody with whom you're compatible in, like, a
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whole, like, every single domain.
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Like, I'm big on compatibility. I've had podcasts about
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compatibility, but there's nobody, that you are going to be
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compatible with on every single big and small variable.
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Now another reason that people can be so selective is because
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people are marrying later and later so this is good and bad,
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you know I mean you know yourself better and that's good
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but also you've had all this time to be on your own.
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Own and to make your life exactly what you want.
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It if you're just like 22 and you're coming out of college and
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you're getting married. You don't really have
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preferences for for like, what your life looks like day to day
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as an adult because you haven't started it yet.
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But if you are 32 and you've been on your own for 10 years,
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then you are really firmly entrenched in what you like to
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do, your hobbies, your friends, this that and the other and you
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have now so many Or variables that you want to match on.
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So this increased age at which people marry is allowing or
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really is causing them to be more selective on an array of
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variables because there are so many more things that you
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already have incorporated into your adult life.
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Now also I mean there are other factors including when people
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have difficult upbringings so there are multiple cool ways
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that having a difficult upbringing can influence your
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desire to kind of make your life completely perfect.
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The first one is, if you saw very unhappy parents, you know,
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an unhappy parents, then you, you want to not do that.
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You want to show that you can have a loving happy fairytale
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marriage because you didn't see one.
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So this can lead to people being very, very selective.
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And they To have in their own life.
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What they never had growing up and they want to give that to
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their kids, right? And the other way that having a
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difficult upbringing can make you overly, selective is in the
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self. Sabotage way that I talked about
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before, so you can have a difficult upbringing that you're
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seeing your parents being incompatible and you never want
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that and that can make you really selective.
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Also, you can see like a very difficult relationship between
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your Parents in which one is always pursuing the other and
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the other does not want them and is always rejecting them.
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And or you can have this relationship with a parent
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yourself that you're always trying to get their attention.
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And they are never really there for you.
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And they never want to engage or to be close in the way that you
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do. So, if you see either this
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dynamic or more commonly, if you have this Dynamic with a Where
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they are, always kind of evading your bids for closeness.
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Then this is where we loop back to Imago Theory which says that
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when you're in an adult intimate relationship, you're really
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trying to find somebody subconsciously similar to your
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caregiver and change them in ways that you couldn't change
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your caregiver. So these are women who pursue
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only men that are not into them because they have with the
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media, you know, Popularly calls, daddy issues but it could
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also be mommy issues. A parent who wasn't there for
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you. So this is a familiar Dynamic.
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When you are with a pair when you're grow up and you have a
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parent you're always trying to follow them around and be close
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and they never want to be close to you.
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Well guess what? Or rarely want to be close to
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you or sometimes do and sometimes.
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Don't. So either of the insecure Styles
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really but mostly preoccupied attachment where sometimes
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they'll be with you and sometimes they won't.
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This can lead to falling for emotionally unavailable,
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partners partners who sometimes seem to like you, but never
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really fully enough people, where they're always running
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away, and you're always running after them.
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We call this a pursuer distance or relationship.
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And I could link to that, in my, in my description.
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I've written, I wrote in my book, 40 40 to 50 to emails, to
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transform your marriage, which is a DIY A couples counseling
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book via email that you should pick up.
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I could link to that to to do with your partner.
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But anyhow what I have one email about pursuers and distance errs
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and a pursuer is the preoccupied attachment partner.
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That's always trying to be close and a distance.
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R is the avoidant attachment partner.
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That's always trying to not be close to be the opposite to be
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overly independent and to push away.
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So really some of these women and, you know the reader The
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Listener asked about Women but it's the same thing with man
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whenever people go primarily for people who don't like them then,
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yes, sometimes it could be being overly selective, but sometimes
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they're actually drawn to those people and I don't know.
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It could also be a combination sometimes.
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They're actually drawn to people who don't like them.
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Like the Groucho Marx, quote, you only want to be, I only want
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to be part of a club that wouldn't have me for a member.
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So they really are drawn to a particular perspective.
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Partner that's specifically, doesn't seem to like them very
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much and this is paralleling a relationship in their early life
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where they were always trying to get attention and failing.
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Now, if you're always trying to get your parents attention and
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you get it, well then that becomes familiar to you.
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And then you're somebody who says o people are going to love
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me. People are going to think that
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I'm cute or delightful or funny or smart or whatever.
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So you know not that I have to tell today is hyper aware.
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This but don't ignore your kid. If you ignore your kid, they're
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only going to go for people who ignore them later on.
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Don't like constantly, you know, over parent them either but I
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mean really, I'm preaching to the choir.
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There's nobody. Who's listening to?
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The doctor psych mom show. That is like neglecting their
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child for days and days, it's probably not happening.
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But if you're that person, you know, or if you're somebody who,
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you know, finds it very hard because of your own upbringing
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to be positive towards your a child, then you can motivate
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yourself to do so because recognize that they are going to
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use their relationship with you as a template for their later
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relationships to a lesser extent.
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They're going to look at the marriage that they saw, but
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really, they're going to use your relationship with them.
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That's what really evokes the feelings.
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So if there's a feeling of acceptance and love, they will
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go for people who accept and love them.
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If there's a feeling of coldness, rejection or
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ambivalence, then that's what will become.
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Familiar to them in later life. So there are all sorts of
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reasons that people are overly selective and constantly say
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that nobody that they're attracted to is who's attracted
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to them. And of course, Occam's razor.
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The simplest explanation is that some of these people may not
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really want to be in a relationship.
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You know? I mean it is fun to be single
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for many people and for more emotionally avoid and people
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they know the right thing to say.
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Is that they want to be in a relationship but when somebody
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gets too close to them, they feel smother, they feel intruded
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upon they, they don't like to change their schedule, they
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don't like to change their routines and so a lot of more
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emotionally avoidant Partners. Now, remember I talked to you
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about attachment and the way to make an emotionally avoidant,
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person is the parent who's kind of always tells them go play, go
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play. I never really gives them the
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hugs cuddles comfort and attention.
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And if somebody is emotionally avoidant because they grew up in
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this kind of a home, they're really independent to a fault.
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And while they may say, and even think that, you know, because
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Society tells them to want to get married that they do, they
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may not really want to. They may not really want that
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vulnerability with another person and that really brings me
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to the point of vulnerability. If you're somebody that is in
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this situation and you can't find a partner no matter what
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and you You listen to my point? Some of them may make sense to
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you. Some of them may not resonate
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with you if you want to get people to like you more and you
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want to do be more attractive to the opposite or same sex.
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Whatever vulnerability is the major attractive variable.
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I mean, it is nothing. You can't change if somebody's
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tracked it to physically or not. But if you're in a situation
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where men are attracted to you physically but then things kind
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of fizzle out after a couple of dates and You don't know why
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frequently it's because you're not being real, you're not
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letting them in. And while this may sound, like,
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some answer from, like The Bachelorette, it's true people
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want somebody who is honest and real and vulnerable.
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Somebody who has emotions. You know, I mean, people want to
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connect with another human being.
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So if you have your guard up, you know, if this is you if you
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have your guard up and you really just kind of, you know,
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talk about small talk and you have A package story about your
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upbringing and you don't really get too deep and, you know, you
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got like a lot of boundaries may be too many and you're just kind
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of don't really open up and feel during your dates with people.
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Then this will resonate with you and therapy can be super useful
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in helping people break down these walls because that is what
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you do in therapy. You figure out the narrative of
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your life what makes sense? How you became who you Our and
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you feel feelings both in session and about the topics
16:48
that you're discussing, you know, so this can really help
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you if, you know, inherently that, it's not that you're
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unattractive to people. They seem to like you at first,
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you get asked out but then it just doesn't go anywhere after
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the first few dates. This is frequently because
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there's a lack of vulnerability that the other person perceives
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they like can't get in. They want to be close but they
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can't get in. And if this describes what
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anybody has ever said about, you then listen because you can work
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on this, this is something therapy super good at is helping
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people grow more open and vulnerable so that when other
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people interact with you in a romantic sense, they feel like
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there's a person there and not like a Persona, you know, and
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not like you're being your work self.
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And this is the same in bed out of bed.
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I mean, you know, when you have a guard up, you Really let
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somebody in whether it's physically emotionally.
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And usually both there are lots of hard stops.
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Lots of boundaries lots of kind of taking your time to get to
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know someone which is all well and good.
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But like if that goes on forever and ever and only rarely do you
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feel like you make any sort of progress and closeness on a
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date? Like the first date?
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Feels kind of like the third date, feels kind of like the
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sixth date Etc. Then this is something that you
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can really work on and it's likely rooted in a family of
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origin, where emotions were not really discussed and
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vulnerability was not modeled, people kind of just stuck to the
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protocol. There was one way to think about
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things. People didn't really share their
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emotions except if it was anger and not always but usually in
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places where emotions are not shared, sometimes anger still
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gets shared but in some houses nothing's really share just kind
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of you know, Pleasant And not getting too deep.
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If this is you then it may be hard for you to connect on a
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deeper level when people really want to do that.
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So anyway, listener subscriber, I hope that I answered your
18:55
question and gave you something to think about about why people
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end up in these situations where they say, they want to get
19:04
married but somehow it just never works out with anybody
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ever. And if this describes you
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listeners, if you're in your first go-around on the dating,
19:13
Market or your second as many of my listeners are then think
19:16
about it. Deeply and really try to take to
19:19
heart my comments about self work in counseling.
19:24
Thanks so much guys. Please subscribe to my podcast.
19:28
Every time you pay for a subscription and Angel gets its
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wings and I get 599 and thank you so much and I will talk to
19:38
everybody soon.