Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 88: Why You Don’t Trust Yourself (And How to Rebuild Trust in Recovery)

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88: Why You Don’t Trust Yourself (And How to Rebuild Trust in Recovery) · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

• 0:00
  OK, everybody. So just a friendly reminder,
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  this is an episode that exists of a part of our phase two
• 0:06
  curriculum, the revamping around development and integration.
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  So we've already covered things like capacity, we've covered
• 0:14
  parts work, we've covered attachment, the addictive
• 0:17
  system. So this episode is going to be a
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  natural next step because it's got to talk about rebuilding
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  that relationship with yourself. All right, let's talk about what
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  that looks like and can we just go?
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  Can you reflect for me for a moment?
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  I'll kind of slow this down. Think about maybe right now that
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  might exist in your life where you're like, how do I trust
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  myself? Like, no, I don't trust myself.
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  I'm so tired of letting myself down, not letting other people
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  down. We're not talking about trust
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  with other people. We're just talking about the
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  trust that exists with you. Do you trust yourself?
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  Do you feel like you're going to follow through on what you say
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  you're going to do? Or are you so frustrated with
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  how you show up? You just like, man, again, like
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  I didn't do it. Or are you proud with where
• 1:00
  you've come so far? Like you, you like what you're
• 1:04
  experiencing. You know when you say you're
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  going to do something that you can count on yourself.
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  By the way, this does this conversation does exist with
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  compassion and not perfection, but you know, just this.
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  We're talking about the experience where you promise
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  yourself you'll do something differently and then you don't
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  follow through and that there's an erosion of self trust that
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  happens over years and decades of broken commitments.
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  And it is so devastating to go, I'm going to get it this time
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  and then fall down and go I didn't.
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  And it's the language that matters in the process of
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  falling. So the surface question that we
• 1:40
  have here is why don't I trust myself even when I want to?
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  That's what we're going to talk about today.
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  Welcome to Beyond the Facade podcast.
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  I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and I'm thrilled to have you join me
• 1:54
  in this space today. What we're going to be doing is
• 1:56
  diving deep into the trials and triumphs and truths of seeking
• 2:00
  authenticity. Becoming your true self isn't
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  about a single action or a moment.
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  It's a relentless pursuit, a commitment to self that reveals
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  the rich connection and meaning that our life has to offer.
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  So whether? This is your first time tuning
• 2:12
  in or you're a regular listener. Know this, what you're building
• 2:16
  here goes beyond a. Conversation.
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  You're here to challenge, to change, and to celebrate the
• 2:21
  incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
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  Because when you dare to. Show up fully.
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  The rewards are immeasurable. So welcome to Beyond the Facade.
• 2:29
  Let's get started. Let's talk about what self trust
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  actually means. So self trust is the confidence
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  that your internal system is organized and aligned.
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  There's this gentleman named Russell, and I have him on the
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  podcast. He's a therapist and he talked
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  to me the other day about alignment.
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  Oh my gosh, I value what he was saying.
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  He said alignment. He defined it.
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  He says it's what what I say and what I believe and what I
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  experienced are the same. What I say and what I believe
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  and what I experience are the same.
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  So I say this to you, and I believe this, and I experienced
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  this and are they similar, right?
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  Just recognizing not being aligned, not being a failure.
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  So I don't want to put that today.
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  People are really smart and they can use their intellect to hide
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  behind some things that they're not feeling so.
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  Can you just? Bring a little bit of attention.
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  If you're somebody that over intellectualizes, can you just
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  feel a little bit, as we talked to this content today, what self
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  trust is? Let me tell you what it
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  includes. All right, So following through
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  on your commitments, not perfectly being honest with
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  yourself. I think that's the one I want to
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  just talk about the most. Let's just talk about honesty
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  with yourself. Like do you say the things that
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  maybe you're all comfortable? Do you're accountable to those
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  that you don't hide from your own thoughts?
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  So easy for me to do to hide from my own thoughts.
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  Do you act in alignment with your stated values?
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  A lot of men mistake like confidence for like self trust.
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  Self trust is not bravado or certainty.
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  It's about consistency, not perfection, consistency.
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  And and The thing is, we've had compulsive behavior for years
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  and decades and that's eroded in our self trust.
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  So that secrecy fractures that internal alignments, because
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  again, internal alignment is what I say and what I believe
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  and what I experience are the same.
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  OK. So impaired thinking distorts
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  that reality internally before it distorts it externally.
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  So we have to lie to ourselves. We have to, like, say something
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  different than what we actually do or think something different
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  than what we actually do. And when we say it to ourselves
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  and we break commitments with ourselves, we become internally
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  unstable. And overtime, men begin to
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  distrust themselves. It's like I don't trust myself.
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  Maybe, maybe won't be said, but they don't.
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  They distrust their own impulses, their own emotions,
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  their intentions. I don't know what I feel.
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  Do I actually feel that? Do I know What?
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  Am I resentful? Is that something that I
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  experience? Yeah.
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  So there we call this internal fragmentation and it fuels a lot
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  of shame and self doubt. I'm not going to spend too much
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  on shame and self doubt, but it does have the part to do with
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  this when we go through it in our phase two curriculum.
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  But. We have.
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  Shame versus guilt. So guilt says I did something
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  bad. Shame says I am something wrong.
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  Guilt can motivate repair, right?
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  It can. But what does shame do?
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  It attacks our identity and undermines the growth.
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  And that chronic shame is going to reinforce our core beliefs
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  and it's going to destabilize like some self trust.
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  So a lot of us are oscillating between like grandiosity is what
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  you call it, and self contempt. Like I'm the man and I hate
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  myself rather than like steady accountability with self and
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  others. So what we want to notice if
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  there's this thing between seeking validation and building
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  inner worth. So a lot of men attempt to like,
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  rebuild worth externally. And are you doing that right
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  now? Just reflect on that, think
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  about that. Am I trying to rebuild my sense
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  of worth through my partner's reassurance?
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  Do I need her to tell me what's who I am, what I am, right?
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  Am I doing it through performance or am I doing it
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  like appearing to be the good guy?
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  Because external validation creates like our temporary
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  stability, but we're not. We're still have a ton of
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  internal we're fragile inside and internal works going to
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  develop through that honest self reflection.
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  We're actually am I right, but there's so much fear of
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  consequences if I actually stop back and honestly self reflect
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  and if my behavior aligns with that and I allow myself that I
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  do have strength and I do have flaws.
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  So again, in a worth develops through those things, through
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  being able to look at myself, be honest with myself, right be
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  able to be consistent with my behavior, be accountable without
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  completely collapsing. And I need to find the right
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  places to be accountable. And then realizing that I do
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  have strength and I do have flaws.
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  So that's where that entered work develops from, right?
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  That's how we get it. That's not coming outside of us,
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  that's coming inside of us. And that self trust grows when
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  the behavior aligns with internals values over time.
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  So I just want to come back to this a little bit more and I
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  don't know, maybe it's already sinking in for you, but where
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  does that internal worth come from?
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  If I'm talking about those four pieces that all in self
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  reflection, where is it at for you?
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  Is it like I'm, I can talk about the stuff that is uncomfortable
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  for me. I can be honest and what my
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  feelings, what my emotions are, what my behavior is.
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  I can voice it like I can voice it to myself.
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  I can voice it to others. I am consistent.
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  I can be accountable without collapsing.
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  I can share where I'm actually at and I can recognize that I'm
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  flawed and I do have strengths, right?
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  So that that's going to happen over time.
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  But there's a bunch of lies that we tell ourselves.
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  Impaired thinking doesn't just justify behavior, distort self
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  perception. So that means so much impaired
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  thinking, right? So there's common things that we
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  can tell ourselves with the distorted thinking, the lies
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  that we tell ourselves. I'm fine or that wasn't that big
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  a deal. That's not like inner circle
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  behavior. I'll fix it later.
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  I can push that one off. So if I can be truthful with
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  myself, that's the foundation for integration.
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  So honesty has to begin internally before it can be
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  sustained relationally. So I have to be honest with
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  myself, saying this is where I'm at, getting real with me and
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  talking about that. That's what I have to have
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  inside of me before I can reach out and be relational,
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  especially with an intimate partner.
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  With a romantic partner, I'd be aligned in there first.
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  OK, I want to speak to the betrayed partners because I know
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  a lot of listen here, just give us a talk about the relationship
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  itself and give some validation because I don't know how this is
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  hitting for you today, what this is like to hear.
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  But just want to acknowledge that you can really as a
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  betrayed partner, as a partner who's going through their own
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  healing, you can really sense when your man does not trust
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  himself, OK? And it's man, that inconsistency
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  feels unsafe, even if he's has a bunch of good intentions and
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  that once he learns to self trust, there's going to be some
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  steadiest and other people in his life are going to experience
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  that is reliable. And what does it mean when he
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  trusts himself? What does that feel like that
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  repair that he works on with you and with others?
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  It feels grounded rather than performative like he feels like
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  why is he now that he, if he starts to trust himself, it's
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  coming from a place of him feeling secure in himself
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  instead of just performing to make sure you feel OK with him
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  because he's good with himself outside of whether you accept
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  him or not or whether anything like that.
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  Hopefully that's helpful and not too painful.
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  All of that can be painful if you got a man and he's working
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  as recovery and there's not that self trust, right?
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  If that's not being developed, that's not being worked on.
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  If there's not that truth, you can have all the intentions in
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  the world, but you're not going to get that steadiness and that
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  reliability until he learns to trust himself again And again.
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  That's not bravado. That's not that's not that
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  confidence piece. That's what we were talking
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  about earlier. And that's going to that
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  internal alignment. It's going to proceed relational
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  safety to a certain extent. And it doesn't have to take
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  forever to start to trust again. In fact, you start being a level
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  of, I know when I start show up in my world and I start to
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  follow through when I do and I'm doing for the right reason, it's
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  not performative. I know my partner feels like she
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  can sense that she knows, OK, I can feel a little bit safer
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  because I'm doing it for the reasons that makes sense.
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  OK. So just remember, self trust
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  cannot be built overnight. It's not going to be fast,
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  right? You can start to experience the
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  fruit of it. I don't know if I should say it
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  that way because fruit takes a long time to grow, but you can't
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  experience some. You can breathe a little bit
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  better when you start to show up consistently, but self trust is
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  not built overnight. You can experience some some
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  relief once you start to show up and start to be doing these
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  things, but it's going to take some time because you have to
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  have repeated alignment between that intention and action.
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  And the early stages often feel uncomfortable because there's so
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  much stuff that shifts the reason why you're doing what
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  you're doing. You're honest, right?
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  You're being real with yourself. It's for a different reason.
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  So that shame is going to intensify way before it softens.
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  But just notice that disruption now uneasiness is that's not
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  bad, that's fact, it's really good.
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  And that consistency over time, it's going to be, it's going to
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  be so much more powerful than that emotional intensity or
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  feeling from the lack of self trust.
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  Just again, tying this back into the phase two, phase two,
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  intentionally, we develop self trust, we talk about it, we give
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  structure to it, we give accountability to it.
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  There's a lot of internal work done it.
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  So men are going to be guided to build like inner worth rather
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  than seeking external reassurance that shame
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  resilience is going to be practiced in the real time in
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  these group settings, not just discussed, but actually
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  practice. Let's actually practice it.
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  And our phase two work is going to help men become more
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  internally aligned and reliable. If you're a partner, I get it.
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  They want that. They haven't had that.
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  For those men who are working to go through this, go grab it.
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  And this is where recovery shifts from.
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  Like maybe you're in a state of crisis management.
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  So now you're going to go more to identity transformation.
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  You're really going to start to find these parts of you that
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  have felt lost for a long time. OK, so just to give you a heads
• 13:06
  up for a next episode, we're going to start talking about
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  naturally destructive behaviors. We're going to talk about some
• 13:14
  abusive behaviors, some betrayal, violence, some of
• 13:17
  those types of things. So we're going to be joining you
• 13:19
  for that. It's a little, it gets a little
• 13:21
  bit intense, especially when we talk about betrayal, violence
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  and abuse every single time. But it's still truth, and it's
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  still something I want to recognize in myself so I can
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  change patterns that have maybe existed generationally.
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  Anyway, it's good to spend time with you.
• 13:36
  If you're a man who's trying to show up differently for your
• 13:38
  partner after betrayal, then listen closely.
• 13:41
  The Helper Heal Intensive is a four day immersive experience
• 13:44
  built for men who are ready to take responsibility, build
• 13:48
  emotional skill and become safer partners.
• 13:50
  This isn't talk therapy, it's a hands on training and how to
• 13:53
  regulate, listen and respond without getting defensive when
• 13:57
  things get hard at home. You'll work alongside other men
• 14:00
  who are also serious about change in a focused,
• 14:03
  confidential setting so you're not trying to figure this out
• 14:05
  alone. My name is Hallie Roderick and
• 14:08
  I'm both a professional and someone who's lived through
• 14:10
  betrayal recovery. Our team is here to give you the
• 14:13
  structure, the tools, and the feedback you need to show up
• 14:16
  with consistency and integrity in a way that supports real
• 14:19
  safety for your wife. You'll leave with a clear plan
• 14:22
  for how to act differently, communicate better, and continue
• 14:26
  rebuilding trust when you go home.
• 14:28
  Check out the show notes For more information or how to
• 14:30
  register. If you're serious about helping
• 14:33
  her heal, this is where you start.
• 14:40
  Hey, thanks for joining. Us today if this.
• 14:42
  Is something that you connected with I'd.
• 14:44
  Love to meet with. You more and talk about it.
• 14:46
  So what you can do is go to chooserecoveryservices.com or
• 14:49
  check the. Show notes.
• 14:50
  And there what we can do is set up a quick conversation.
• 14:53
  Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we
• 14:56
  unmask the up end itself.