Latest / D/s and BDSM Communication Archives • Loving BDSM / Love Maps and Power Exchange

Transcript

Love Maps and Power Exchange · D/s and BDSM Communication Archives • Loving BDSM

• 0:11
  You're listening to a loving BDSM podcast episode
• 0:13
  four sixty. Kayla Lords here with the one,
• 0:15
  the only, the love of my life, the
• 0:18
  man that we've remembered
• 0:20
  day before recording, which was our wedding anniversary
• 0:22
  that we did indeed get married in 2017.
• 0:24
  One day we'll retain that information.
• 0:26
  John Brownstone.
• 0:28
  Happy belated wedding
• 0:30
  anniversary. Happy early birthday.
• 0:35
  There's no need to discuss that. Yes. There
• 0:37
  is.
• 0:38
  That's all we're talking about this week, though.
• 0:41
  You sure? Positive.
• 0:44
  This week, we're talking about a concept called
• 0:46
  love maps or love mapping
• 0:48
  and wondering if it can work for power
• 0:51
  exchange as well. JB just gave me a
• 0:53
  look of utter confusion. Don't Don't worry. I
• 0:54
  will explain to everybody who is that is
• 0:56
  as confused as JB what the hell a
• 0:58
  love map is. Yep. Welcome to the Loving
• 1:00
  BDSM podcast. If this is your first time
• 1:02
  listening, glad to have you. If you're back
• 1:04
  for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is
• 1:06
  some sometimes produced on Mondays and always produced
• 1:09
  on Fridays for your kinky pleasure in education,
• 1:11
  and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net.
• 1:14
  Come back often and feel free to add
• 1:15
  the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You
• 1:17
  can also follow the show on FetLife at
• 1:19
  loving BDSM PC
• 1:21
  on Instagram and technically thread that that handle
• 1:24
  I will forever motherfucking hate. It's loving d
• 1:27
  s and the number one. So it's at
• 1:29
  loving d s one. You could see why
• 1:30
  I might hate it. Right?
• 1:32
  On blue sky at lovingbdsm.
• 1:35
  Blah blah blah or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingbdsm,
• 1:39
  where you can watch us live stream the
• 1:40
  podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the
• 1:42
  show notes.
• 1:44
  Okay. So before we get into the topic,
• 1:46
  I do have a couple of announcements. I
• 1:47
  will try to speed run them. Actually, it
• 1:50
  really is just a couple. First is a
• 1:52
  reminder that we're doing
• 1:54
  thing on Patreon where you can join the
• 1:56
  tier known as holiday crickets.
• 1:58
  I know. It's a weird name. Just go
• 1:59
  with, okay? $20. Yes. You can be international
• 2:02
  for this. You will get in December
• 2:04
  a kinky holiday card from us with a
• 2:06
  few little goodies inside and and
• 2:09
  an invite to our first ever holiday party
• 2:13
  on Zoom
• 2:14
  that will be December 20
• 2:17
  at 2PM
• 2:18
  eastern. I should have checked that time. Damn
• 2:20
  time we had a company Christmas party. Hell,
• 2:22
  we can't even have our own company Christmas
• 2:24
  party. Anyway
• 2:26
  anyway,
• 2:29
  to you have there's a time limit for
• 2:30
  when you can sign up. November 15 is
• 2:32
  the cutoff.
• 2:33
  Might I increase that? Because I know some
• 2:36
  folks, it's like you gotta juggle shit. Maybe.
• 2:39
  We'll see. But right now is November 15.
• 2:42
  November 15 is your cutoff. Get signed up.
• 2:44
  It's it's a tier you only wanna be
• 2:45
  on for one month.
• 2:47
  You can decide because it's you only get
• 2:49
  the perk for the one month. You can
• 2:51
  decide if you wanna stay with us at
• 2:52
  a lower tier. You can, you know, nope
• 2:55
  out afterwards, whatever works for your personal budget.
• 2:57
  But, yeah, join us. Become a holiday crick
• 2:59
  at patreon. Patreon.com/kaylalords.
• 3:01
  Link is in the places. The next one,
• 3:03
  our trans affirming resource of the week
• 3:06
  is I think I mentioned it when,
• 3:08
  we did the first ever one for the
• 3:10
  campaign for Southern equality. It's called QueerMed. It
• 3:13
  is a telehealth
• 3:16
  company where
• 3:19
  trans and non binary folks can get gender
• 3:21
  affirming care. It is also it's queermed.com,
• 3:24
  but you might also see it as Qmed.
• 3:27
  It is not the only one of its
• 3:28
  kind. There's Plume.
• 3:30
  There's Folx, f o l x Folx.
• 3:34
  QueerMed is the one that was recommended to
• 3:36
  us when we talked to the person at
• 3:38
  the Campaign for Southern Equality,
• 3:40
  and I had never heard of it or
• 3:41
  I had heard of the others. I thought
• 3:43
  I would pass it on for anybody who
• 3:45
  might need that.
• 3:46
  My understanding
• 3:48
  is if you are in a state that
• 3:50
  does not offer
• 3:52
  some level of gender affirming care for trans
• 3:55
  people, specifically
• 3:57
  minors, but it I don't know if there
• 3:58
  are any laws that are impacting,
• 4:01
  adults.
• 4:02
  You have to be located in a state
• 4:05
  at the that does allow
• 4:08
  trans,
• 4:10
  gender affirming care,
• 4:12
  HRT, all that good stuff for,
• 4:14
  in this case, I'm gonna say minors because
• 4:16
  that's the one I'm sure of, that does
• 4:17
  allow it to have your telehealth. Right? So,
• 4:19
  like, you might have to hop across the
• 4:21
  state line,
• 4:23
  and get on somebody's Wi Fi
• 4:25
  and do your appointment for them to be
• 4:26
  able to help you, but it is an
• 4:28
  option. It's also an option even if you
• 4:30
  are in a state where you could get
• 4:31
  the medical care you need, but you're like,
• 4:33
  I don't like the doctors. I'm saying queermed.
• 4:35
  Queermed.com.
• 4:40
  Okay.
• 4:41
  Now we shall get into it. Okay.
• 4:44
  So
• 4:46
  before I tell you what a love map
• 4:48
  love map is, let me tell you where
• 4:50
  who came up with it. Is that something
• 4:51
  you get from, like, triple a?
• 4:53
  We don't want Like a triptych? We don't
• 4:56
  want
• 4:58
  that.
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  Triple a.
• 5:01
  My gosh. You've already, like,
• 5:04
  derailed my train of thought. Hey. Might as
• 5:06
  well get it over with right on right
• 5:08
  at the start, you know? Because I can't
• 5:09
  get back on the tracks.
• 5:11
  Takes you a minute. Okay. Before we get
• 5:13
  into what the hell a love map is,
• 5:15
  who came up with the concept where who,
• 5:17
  you know, who are we basing this off
• 5:19
  of? I mentioned it in the episode we
• 5:22
  did a couple weeks ago where we were
• 5:23
  answering questions from therapy Jeff
• 5:25
  because the questions he was,
• 5:28
  you know, positioning for couples to respond to
• 5:31
  together,
• 5:32
  was based on the concept of love mapping.
• 5:35
  Love mapping comes from the Gottman Institute,
• 5:38
  doctor doctors Gottman and Gottman.
• 5:41
  It's John Gottman and his wife, Julie Schwartz
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  Gottman. They have been studying relationships for fifty
• 5:48
  years. A lot, a lot, a lot of
• 5:50
  things that come out, on the Internet and
• 5:53
  and other places, but
• 5:54
  on the Internet's where I am,
• 5:57
  from therapists in general, like
• 6:00
  sage advice about relationships
• 6:02
  often comes from the Gottman Institute because they
• 6:05
  do studies and they, like, take a scientific
• 6:07
  approach. But, also, if you go to their
• 6:09
  website, they will try to sell you everything
• 6:11
  not nailed down. So
• 6:13
  I
• 6:14
  was like, I mean, I you gotta you
• 6:16
  gotta make your money, and I respect it,
• 6:17
  but
• 6:18
  okay.
• 6:20
  So that's where this comes from. This is
• 6:22
  a concept developed by doctor Gottman,
• 6:26
  based on
• 6:27
  his theory called the sound relationship
• 6:30
  house
• 6:31
  theory.
• 6:32
  Okay? Mhmm. I did not look into the
• 6:35
  sound relationship house theory. That was I just
• 6:37
  wanted to get to LoveMap, and LoveMap is
• 6:39
  part of the foundation.
• 6:40
  Okay?
• 6:42
  Now he on the on the site and
• 6:44
  on the places I've I've seen it talked
• 6:46
  about, they primarily focus on,
• 6:49
  married couples. I think this fits for any
• 6:52
  kind of, you know,
• 6:53
  relationship. I don't don't think you have to
• 6:55
  be married to form a love map,
• 6:58
  but that's where it comes from.
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  And in his view,
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  it is,
• 7:05
  sort of the foundation, the base of of
• 7:06
  a relationship. It is
• 7:08
  the thing that sustains
• 7:10
  a relationship. And a love map is basically
• 7:15
  marital friendship.
• 7:16
  It's the
• 7:17
  it's the
• 7:19
  knowing your partner. I have lots of notes
• 7:21
  here because I was like, I'm gonna not
• 7:22
  get any of this straight. So I'm gonna,
• 7:24
  like, refer to my notes here. Okay. So
• 7:28
  here we go. Marital friendship is the foundation
• 7:30
  of doctor Gottman's sound relationship house theory.
• 7:34
  It's the thing that sustains a relationship. Okay?
• 7:36
  So when the lust is not there, when
• 7:39
  the money stress is there, when you're like,
• 7:42
  I can't stand to hear this person
• 7:44
  chew one more moment, and that goes both
• 7:46
  ways. I'm not just the one bitching.
• 7:49
  And you're like, I can't
• 7:51
  I
• 7:52
  don't wanna fuck this person right now. And
• 7:54
  in our case, I don't necessarily wanna be
• 7:55
  kinky with this person right now, but I
• 7:57
  really do love them. It is typically the
• 7:59
  friendship, the Okay. The I like this human
• 8:02
  as a human. Okay? Gotcha.
• 8:05
  Now the Gottman say they found that the
• 8:06
  key to sustaining a happy relationship is having
• 8:09
  a strong friendship.
• 8:10
  And then the first,
• 8:12
  step in strengthening that friendship is getting to
• 8:15
  know each other deeply and intimately.
• 8:17
  And that's essentially what a love map is.
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  K. Now we are gonna talk I'm gonna
• 8:22
  get through, like, the talking about what the
• 8:23
  hell a love map is, and then we
• 8:25
  will get into some of the things many
• 8:27
  of you are already seeing as a correlation
• 8:29
  with power exchange.
• 8:31
  So a love map, in essence, is the
• 8:32
  part of your brain where you store all
• 8:34
  of the relevant information about your partner's life
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  their hopes, their dreams, their worries, their preferences.
• 8:39
  So it's how I could know,
• 8:42
  without even thinking
• 8:44
  who is not allowed to speak at your
• 8:45
  funeral, because I know you and your life
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  well enough.
• 8:49
  Now a love map is developed over time.
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  It nobody walks into a relationship
• 8:55
  knowing their partner that intimately.
• 8:57
  It is a thing that
• 9:00
  you there there are things you learn about
• 9:02
  each other over time if you are paying
• 9:04
  attention,
• 9:05
  if you are in communication, if you are
• 9:06
  being
• 9:07
  vulnerable with each other, if and, you know,
• 9:10
  if you were listening to your partner, if
• 9:12
  you were asking questions.
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  So therefore,
• 9:16
  the lack of
• 9:18
  a a solid love map can also lead
• 9:20
  to disconnect.
• 9:21
  Sure. Right? Because things are going on in
• 9:23
  each other's lives and you have no basis
• 9:26
  for even sort of understanding what's going on.
• 9:28
  It can yeah. You can feel less connected
• 9:30
  to each other. So,
• 9:32
  I'll
• 9:33
  I hope this goes without saying at this
• 9:35
  point, but I'll say it right now while
• 9:37
  I'm thinking about it. The resources I use
• 9:39
  to, like, explain all this, they are in
• 9:40
  the places. Feel free, including a two that
• 9:43
  go to the Gottman Institute website.
• 9:47
  So why love maps are important.
• 9:50
  When you have a decent love map of
• 9:53
  a partner, you can navigate conflicts more smoothly,
• 9:55
  you can support each other more effectively during
• 9:57
  times of stress, you maintain a strong friendship
• 10:00
  alongside your romantic relationship,
• 10:02
  You stay connected even as life changes and
• 10:04
  evolves. Right? Yeah. All of that makes sense.
• 10:07
  Yeah. In my mind, I would boil that
• 10:10
  down to, well, if you,
• 10:12
  have clear communication and trust one another, you
• 10:15
  can do that. They're basing it on you
• 10:16
  have this in inner knowing of your partner's
• 10:19
  inner world,
• 10:20
  and therefore, that helps you navigate it. So
• 10:24
  how do we build a love map? Okay.
• 10:27
  The two most common
• 10:28
  ways I mean, some of it is are
• 10:30
  you an observant person? Are you actively interested
• 10:32
  in your partner and you wanna know things
• 10:34
  about them? This can happen over time. But
• 10:37
  if you're like, oh my gosh, I I
• 10:39
  don't feel like I have an inner knowing
• 10:40
  of my you know, I don't know my
• 10:41
  partner's inner world.
• 10:43
  Building a love map, the two most common
• 10:45
  things is to just literally play 20 questions,
• 10:48
  answer questions about your partner to determine how
• 10:51
  much you know,
• 10:52
  and or ask your partner open ended questions
• 10:55
  to learn more about them. Now, I found
• 10:58
  multiple free resources online with, suggested questions. I
• 11:01
  linked to I think two of those as
• 11:03
  well.
• 11:06
  For anybody who's like,
• 11:08
  sure I'll play this game with my partner.
• 11:09
  When we have done some of the therapy,
• 11:12
  Jeff,
• 11:13
  answer these relationship questions, that is essentially what
• 11:16
  we're modeling is how much of a love
• 11:18
  map we have of one of those are
• 11:20
  the types of questions that you can use
• 11:22
  to build love map. If anybody is sort
• 11:24
  of freaking out right now that you maybe
• 11:26
  you don't have a love map with your
• 11:28
  partner, Do not panic. You can build these
• 11:31
  over time. And these kinds of,
• 11:34
  questions
• 11:34
  to ask each other or to try to
• 11:36
  answer about one another, this is part of
• 11:38
  it. So
• 11:39
  so love maps are an ongoing thing,
• 11:42
  because because there's always more to learn about
• 11:44
  your partner. I sometimes and not sometimes, there
• 11:47
  have been times when we've done the questions
• 11:48
  from Therapy Jeff, who does follow the Gottman
• 11:51
  Institute and cites their work a lot in
• 11:53
  his own work,
• 11:55
  where I'm like, god, I don't know that
• 11:56
  about JB. Because
• 11:58
  you can never communicate enough, be observant enough,
• 12:03
  be all up in somebody's business enough to
• 12:06
  truly know everything about Right. You can't know
• 12:08
  everything about somebody. You're you should be consistently,
• 12:11
  not constantly, maybe, consistently learning about one another.
• 12:14
  That's what I like about those questions because
• 12:15
  sometimes I'm like, oh,
• 12:17
  I don't know. What do you want to
• 12:19
  do? How would you handle that? And then
• 12:21
  you get to learn something new.
• 12:23
  So that that is a love map. It
• 12:25
  is it is the intimate details that you
• 12:28
  know about your partner's life before they met
• 12:31
  you, while they're with you,
• 12:34
  you know, their hopes or dreams for the
• 12:36
  future,
• 12:37
  the things that annoy them, the people in
• 12:39
  their lives that annoy them, that's a love
• 12:41
  note.
• 12:42
  And, again, every time I see it in
• 12:44
  context, we are talking about romantic
• 12:47
  often,
• 12:48
  it's implied sexual relationships, but not necessarily romantic
• 12:51
  relationships,
• 12:53
  typically married couples,
• 12:55
  but not necessarily, but partnered people in a
• 12:57
  romantic relationship love map.
• 13:01
  That's how it's framed. Now Mhmm. If,
• 13:04
  y'all have known me for more than thirty
• 13:05
  seconds, you know
• 13:07
  I like to pervert
• 13:09
  the non kinkster concept.
• 13:11
  Kink a pie. Yeah. Let's kink it up.
• 13:14
  So
• 13:15
  I think the spoiler here is
• 13:17
  if you are in a romantic
• 13:20
  relationship and power exchange, yes, you
• 13:23
  would probably benefit from a love map. You
• 13:25
  probably have one that you don't realize you
• 13:27
  have. Sure. Sure. Sure. But let's talk about
• 13:29
  power exchange that's maybe
• 13:31
  not romantic, not sexual. You're not even freaking
• 13:34
  married. You're but let's talk about a love
• 13:37
  map in terms of power exchange. Okay.
• 13:40
  What are your thoughts? Yeah.
• 13:43
  And y'all wonder why I do most of
• 13:45
  the talking in the podcast. That would have
• 13:47
  been your podcast. We'd be done now.
• 13:53
  No. I I think it's it's from from
• 13:56
  sounding what it is, you know, all this
• 13:58
  description, what a love map is,
• 14:01
  I think it definitely could
• 14:03
  have a place
• 14:05
  in DS.
• 14:07
  I think I think we are already doing
• 14:09
  these things, but not calling it that. Calling
• 14:11
  it that. Because yeah. You know, that's what
• 14:13
  we do
• 14:15
  in in in this lifestyle, you know, you
• 14:17
  have to know
• 14:19
  Right. Pretty much as much as you can
• 14:21
  Right. About the person you're playing with. Right.
• 14:24
  Agree. You know, so, yeah, it's it's definitely
• 14:27
  sounds like it, Just not on with a
• 14:29
  name. Yeah. We don't we haven't named it.
• 14:32
  Now, I do wanna point out, you and
• 14:34
  I, for how many years? Just over ten
• 14:36
  Mhmm. Have been sort of doing the, you
• 14:38
  know, long term power exchange. I mean, I
• 14:40
  don't talk about casual play or pickup play
• 14:42
  because I don't know anything about that. But
• 14:43
  long term power exchange, I don't care if
• 14:46
  you're fucking or not. I don't care if
• 14:47
  you, like, love them romantically or not. We
• 14:49
  always say you should start with a basis
• 14:52
  of friendship. Like Right. Before you bare your
• 14:54
  soul and your ass to somebody, make sure
• 14:57
  you like them as a human. This to
• 14:58
  me is a love map. The start of
• 15:01
  a love map, if you wanna call it
• 15:02
  a love map,
• 15:04
  is that
• 15:06
  same concept.
• 15:07
  You know, we were friends before
• 15:10
  you domed me the first time. We were
• 15:12
  growing that friendship. And long distance folks who
• 15:15
  are always like, well, how did you build
• 15:16
  that relationship? How do you Questions. We literally
• 15:19
  played 20 questions. Yeah. When when you know,
• 15:21
  it's funny when you mentioned the 20 questions.
• 15:24
  We
• 15:25
  and Lola agrees. Lola agrees. She agrees.
• 15:29
  As she sings the song of her people.
• 15:33
  Would you like to go calm your dog
• 15:34
  down?
• 15:39
  I think I said it a week or
• 15:41
  so ago, maybe on a Friday night livestream.
• 15:43
  Her crying has gotten much more frequent as
• 15:46
  she's getting older. She doesn't appear confused.
• 15:49
  I think she just thinks nobody's gonna pay
• 15:51
  attention to her unless she's crying like her
• 15:54
  heart is breaking.
• 16:01
  Now she seems placated for these thirty seconds.
• 16:05
  So, yeah, the, you know,
• 16:07
  I think the the
• 16:09
  the term love map is cutesy. I think
• 16:11
  that's Mhmm. You know, if somebody needs that
• 16:13
  to be able to sort of, like, have
• 16:14
  a name for it, have a label for
• 16:16
  it. But,
• 16:17
  you know, some of the things we've talked
• 16:19
  about
• 16:20
  in the over the past few years of
• 16:21
  our personal life stress and then our 2025
• 16:24
  project of, like, oh, getting back to one
• 16:26
  another, we've always
• 16:28
  emphasized
• 16:29
  that
• 16:30
  we genuinely
• 16:31
  like one another. If the power exchange goes
• 16:33
  away, if we can't do fuckery,
• 16:35
  we still want to be in each other's
• 16:38
  presence.
• 16:39
  And I I don't need a name for
• 16:41
  that. I like the guy. I wanna know
• 16:44
  as much about him as he will let
• 16:46
  me know,
• 16:47
  not just because I'm a nosy bitch, although
• 16:50
  there is that. Right? The more I know
• 16:52
  about JB, the better I can serve as
• 16:55
  a submissive,
• 16:56
  the better I can react when,
• 16:58
  you know, things get rough and he's biting
• 17:01
  my head off, and I can remember this
• 17:02
  is not personal.
• 17:04
  This is a trauma response. You know, y'all
• 17:06
  know I'm gonna, you know,
• 17:09
  do some psychology in my head, but therapize
• 17:11
  and all that good stuff. But,
• 17:13
  you know, I don't know that
• 17:16
  anybody necessarily
• 17:19
  needs the term. So I don't know that
• 17:20
  power exchange needs love maps. I think the
• 17:23
  concept of being genuinely curious about your partner
• 17:27
  within
• 17:28
  the bounds of whatever you've negotiated with each
• 17:31
  other. And and there and that's what I
• 17:32
  was thinking. You just said the said that
• 17:34
  word.
• 17:35
  You know, in thinking about this, it's
• 17:38
  you could almost say we do have a
• 17:39
  name for it in the lifestyle and it's
• 17:41
  negotiation.
• 17:42
  I think so. For the power change part
• 17:44
  of the For the most part. I mean,
• 17:45
  you know, because you're asking, you know, when
• 17:48
  you're negotiating you're asking, you know, what do
• 17:50
  you like? Do you like
• 17:52
  spankings? Do you like canes? Do you like
• 17:54
  this? You know, do you have any anything
• 17:56
  that prohibits you from, you know, so you
• 17:58
  have to learn about the person. And then
• 18:00
  as you do the thing with the person,
• 18:01
  you learn more about them because you learn
• 18:03
  their responses. You learn both by having conversations
• 18:06
  and by observation.
• 18:07
  Well, how intense can I do this? How
• 18:09
  often? What can they take?
• 18:12
  What can they handle is what I mean.
• 18:14
  So that makes sense to me as well.
• 18:16
  What I'm curious about Mhmm.
• 18:18
  Because I had a very,
• 18:22
  shameless self promotion moment when I thought about
• 18:24
  this is,
• 18:25
  do we
• 18:26
  do this already?
• 18:28
  Is it something that would be beneficial to
• 18:30
  have
• 18:31
  a version of a love map that's but
• 18:33
  that's specific to kink and power exchange. It's
• 18:36
  the understanding
• 18:37
  and knowing
• 18:39
  Mhmm. Of not just what your partner has
• 18:41
  agreed to, but the things they're curious about,
• 18:43
  the things that have gone wrong in their
• 18:45
  kink life, the things that they hope for
• 18:47
  in their kink life, where they're trying to
• 18:49
  take this kink train of their life, you
• 18:51
  know. And shameless self promotion time, I did
• 18:54
  immediately think of our thirty days of DS
• 18:57
  workbooks that we do sell on Etsy links
• 18:59
  in the places. Those are not were not
• 19:01
  written for that. They were written so that,
• 19:03
  you know, you can either kind of figure
• 19:05
  yourself out or you could
• 19:08
  figure out with a partner
• 19:09
  what you both want and how you both
• 19:11
  perceive these different concepts. That's what they were
• 19:14
  built for.
• 19:15
  But and then then made me go should
• 19:17
  I should I create questions for so people
• 19:19
  can build a kink map? But before I
• 19:22
  even take on that project,
• 19:24
  you know, is there any benefit
• 19:26
  to that, or is it just the same
• 19:28
  thing as a love map, but just by
• 19:29
  a different name? Because in our friendship, I
• 19:32
  do understand your kinks, and I do sort
• 19:34
  of you know, I know the past history
• 19:36
  that you've shared with me. I know how
• 19:38
  you respond to things. You know, it's all
• 19:40
  sort of built part and parcel as I've
• 19:43
  figured you out as a human, and your
• 19:46
  kinks are just
• 19:48
  part of you as, you know, as a
• 19:50
  person. Yeah. So,
• 19:52
  you know, I think that's the thing I'm
• 19:54
  interested. I I like the idea of the,
• 19:56
  you know,
• 19:58
  the concept of a love map. I don't
• 19:59
  care about the term that doesn't do anything
• 20:01
  for me Mhmm. Other than to be easy
• 20:03
  shorthand. Yeah. Because it all it does is
• 20:05
  back up a thing we have believed
• 20:07
  this whole time. Right. But I do wonder
• 20:13
  if there's benefit
• 20:16
  for kinksters in, I'm gonna say power exchange
• 20:18
  specifically,
• 20:19
  because that's my area of expertise,
• 20:22
  to have
• 20:24
  more
• 20:24
  intimate knowings
• 20:26
  of each other's internal world,
• 20:29
  specifically
• 20:30
  from
• 20:31
  a kink perspective.
• 20:33
  So that that way, maybe you are gonna
• 20:35
  power exchange with somebody and it's platonic and
• 20:36
  you don't live with one another, and you're
• 20:38
  not trying to build a life forever, but
• 20:40
  you really want this dynamic to continue as
• 20:43
  long as it both serves you.
• 20:45
  Is there
• 20:46
  is there benefit to having that kind of
• 20:48
  internal
• 20:49
  understanding
• 20:50
  of your partner's inner world
• 20:54
  from a power exchange kink perspective?
• 20:56
  Does it make you I don't know if
• 20:57
  it makes you a better kinkster, but does
• 20:59
  it make
• 21:00
  weathering the stress of
• 21:03
  when your lives interfere with your power exchange?
• 21:05
  Does it help
• 21:07
  you negotiate
• 21:09
  new things in an e you know? In
• 21:11
  a in a in a more yeah.
• 21:14
  Right.
• 21:18
  So what do you think about the cons
• 21:20
  what do you think about that? No. I
• 21:21
  think I think it's a it's a good
• 21:23
  concept. And like I said, I think for
• 21:24
  for the most part, a lot of people,
• 21:26
  we already do it in the lifestyle.
• 21:29
  You know, and I I know that long
• 21:31
  term couples definitely Yeah. Do it.
• 21:34
  But it's
• 21:36
  to my knowledge, it's not something you do
• 21:37
  on purpose. It's a thing that just sort
• 21:39
  of happens. You get to know one another.
• 21:40
  Yeah. And yet in
• 21:42
  in DS,
• 21:44
  it happens on purpose.
• 21:45
  At the start of it, it happens on
• 21:47
  purpose. Absolutely. It has to. Mhmm. So, you
• 21:49
  know, be because you need to sit down
• 21:51
  and understand the person you're playing with.
• 21:54
  And there's play, but there's also living with
• 21:55
  because there are things that make me,
• 21:58
  I hope, a better submissive, but understand you
• 22:00
  as a dominant because I understand certain parts
• 22:03
  of your life. Right? Mhmm. Like,
• 22:05
  I am better at knowing that when you
• 22:06
  are grumpy and grouchy and grouchy and snappy,
• 22:10
  that I've not done it uh-huh.
• 22:12
  I haven't done anything wrong.
• 22:15
  This is,
• 22:16
  you know,
• 22:17
  how you respond in certain times of stress.
• 22:20
  Right?
• 22:21
  When I get
• 22:22
  snappy
• 22:24
  Mhmm.
• 22:27
  You know, I'd like to believe that sometimes,
• 22:29
  not always, because nobody's perfect, you know, we
• 22:31
  all have our own stuff going on. We
• 22:33
  don't always read each other Mhmm. Properly. But
• 22:35
  you're not thinking she's being a shitty submissive.
• 22:38
  You're thinking something has gotten to her. Something
• 22:40
  wrong. Something is wrong. What's wrong? What's going
• 22:42
  on? And I get where we would know
• 22:45
  these things about one another because we are
• 22:46
  literally together twenty four seven. If we do
• 22:49
  not know these things now, there is something
• 22:52
  wrong. Seriously
• 22:53
  wrong. But the
• 22:55
  so no. Have having that deep understanding about
• 22:57
  a partner
• 22:59
  can about you specifically. I use myself as
• 23:01
  the example.
• 23:03
  Understanding you that well, as well as I
• 23:05
  do, knowing the things about you that I
• 23:07
  do,
• 23:09
  I feel better able to offer
• 23:11
  suggestions of what you need Mhmm. As a
• 23:14
  human, but as a dominant, what I can
• 23:16
  do for you as a submissive,
• 23:18
  what, you know, what I think will be
• 23:20
  a service to you. Right? How the hell
• 23:22
  I can get the hell out of your
• 23:23
  way so we're not having a stupid fight
• 23:25
  because one of us was cranky. Right?
• 23:27
  And I know a lot of that just
• 23:28
  sounds like relationship
• 23:29
  stuff,
• 23:31
  but
• 23:32
  not every power exchange
• 23:34
  swims in the same relationship kind of pool.
• 23:37
  True. Not everybody's trying to live together and
• 23:39
  raise babies together True. True. True. And be
• 23:41
  together until they're 99.
• 23:43
  Right? Like Right.
• 23:45
  So, therefore,
• 23:46
  nobody's talking
• 23:48
  to those folks about, hey. Here's a benefit
• 23:51
  to genuinely
• 23:52
  understanding
• 23:53
  Mhmm. Your person as much as they will
• 23:55
  let you. Now part of that is a
• 23:56
  vulnerability with one another. Sure. You gotta be
• 23:59
  willing to share. And the thought I have
• 24:01
  is if you imagine
• 24:03
  sharing your innermost world,
• 24:06
  your hopes, your fears, your thoughts, your desires,
• 24:08
  all of it, all of it, and knowing
• 24:09
  you have a partner that
• 24:10
  sees you that deeply, right?
• 24:13
  If some part of you shies away from
• 24:15
  it,
• 24:17
  that's a conversation to have with yourself because
• 24:19
  sometimes it's your own stuff you have you
• 24:22
  haven't worked through yet, your own insecurities,
• 24:25
  your own fears and anxieties.
• 24:27
  And sometimes,
• 24:29
  I mean,
• 24:30
  is it because you have a partner that
• 24:32
  you either don't really wanna know like that
• 24:35
  or you know is not gonna let you
• 24:36
  know them like that? I don't think that's
• 24:38
  a basis for deciding if you should be
• 24:40
  in a relationship. But I do think that's
• 24:42
  a piece of information. Like, what is what
• 24:44
  is stopping you from wanting to share that
• 24:45
  with a person?
• 24:47
  And oftentimes,
• 24:48
  we have
• 24:50
  an instinctual
• 24:52
  reaction to something. We might not know why
• 24:54
  we're having it, but there's there's a reason
• 24:56
  there. And it's not always because we're the
• 24:58
  scaredy cat who's afraid to say, you know,
• 25:03
  vulnerable things to a partner. Sometimes it's we're
• 25:05
  getting some signals
• 25:06
  and
• 25:08
  you know? But that's another thing I go
• 25:10
  to because
• 25:11
  there's a certain
• 25:13
  level
• 25:15
  of trust and back and forth that every
• 25:18
  kinkster needs, whether you're deep in relationship power
• 25:21
  exchange or you're just trying to get kinky.
• 25:23
  And if this is gonna be something long
• 25:25
  term where you wanna come back to this
• 25:26
  person or build something with this person, have
• 25:28
  some connection that lasts beyond the moment,
• 25:33
  you know, there needs to be some level,
• 25:36
  not as deep as everybody, everybody's got their
• 25:38
  own level, of vulnerability and intimacy and learning
• 25:42
  each other. And I think it says something
• 25:44
  when you have a partner
• 25:46
  who
• 25:47
  doesn't wanna learn about you or doesn't wanna
• 25:50
  share with you. You know? We talk about
• 25:52
  it in terms of kink all the time.
• 25:53
  It can be dangerous to not share pertinent
• 25:55
  information or to not know something.
• 25:57
  But
• 25:58
  beyond that, they're like, that's the almost the
• 26:01
  surface level stuff. Like, what do I need
• 26:02
  to share with this other human being so
• 26:04
  that I am as
• 26:07
  mentally, emotionally, and physically,
• 26:09
  air quote this because it's real subjective, safe,
• 26:12
  air big air quotes on safe Mhmm. As
• 26:15
  possible. Right? Versus
• 26:17
  how can I get to know this person
• 26:20
  to the point where
• 26:23
  I can
• 26:24
  you know?
• 26:28
  I don't even know if I have the
• 26:29
  language for it. It's a deep intimacy
• 26:31
  that, to me, can make power exchange
• 26:34
  better.
• 26:35
  K. But we also have the
• 26:38
  benefit. I guess, we live together. True. We're
• 26:41
  around one another. We have learned each other's
• 26:44
  habits and ways
• 26:45
  and tells and, you know,
• 26:48
  twitches and the the way we learned all
• 26:50
  of that. Yes. Yes. And I'm not saying
• 26:53
  every power exchange exchange needs that. Although, are
• 26:55
  you living together, building a life together, and
• 26:57
  are trying to be together until the end
• 26:58
  of time?
• 26:59
  Yes. I think you would benefit from that.
• 27:01
  Yeah.
• 27:02
  But would, you know, would any
• 27:05
  kinkster doing power exchange benefit from that? And
• 27:07
  how would they get to that? Now that's
• 27:09
  the thing that has been on my mind
• 27:11
  since this too because I'm like, okay. Well,
• 27:13
  what are the questions? What are the things?
• 27:15
  And it will be different for everybody. I
• 27:17
  know. But what are the things
• 27:19
  that could benefit you to understand deeply about
• 27:23
  your partner
• 27:24
  so that
• 27:26
  you do have that friendship and you have
• 27:28
  that basis for trust, and you've had the
• 27:30
  vulnerable moments with one another and and know
• 27:32
  that you're safe to know these things? Like,
• 27:34
  are there
• 27:36
  kink specific things?
• 27:38
  Like, is it meaningful
• 27:41
  beyond
• 27:42
  it's what I like and I'm glad to
• 27:43
  know it that I
• 27:45
  know, because you've told me, what your journey
• 27:48
  into kink was like? Right? Mhmm. Does that
• 27:51
  is
• 27:52
  and that's the thing. I'm too deep in
• 27:54
  the we are in love and are married,
• 27:56
  and you're never dying, and I'm never dying,
• 27:57
  and we're going out like the lemon leaf.
• 28:00
  To be able to separate, does knowing that
• 28:02
  benefit
• 28:04
  anybody in a power exchange relationship, regardless of
• 28:06
  how
• 28:07
  long you've been together or how deep you're
• 28:09
  gonna take this relationship?
• 28:11
  You know what I mean? Yeah. Because we
• 28:13
  know plenty of kinksters who they're it's platonic.
• 28:15
  They're friends. They live separate lives. They come
• 28:17
  together Mhmm. Or they keep it it going
• 28:20
  by text. Certainly, long distance folks, you are
• 28:23
  separated and you only have your forms of
• 28:27
  communication. You know? Well, we we knew some
• 28:31
  folks back in back in the Bay Area.
• 28:35
  He had play partner that,
• 28:38
  for years,
• 28:40
  and they were just platonic. And then he
• 28:42
  married Mhmm. And still played with the other
• 28:44
  partner at times.
• 28:46
  So then I would be very curious about
• 28:48
  their inner world as their that platonic power
• 28:51
  exchange. Mhmm. How deep did their understanding of
• 28:54
  each other go? And and was
• 28:58
  what was the depth? And and
• 29:01
  how, if anything, did that impact that power
• 29:04
  exchange regardless of the other relationships a person
• 29:07
  had? Like, it's all a thought experiment to
• 29:09
  me right now. I have nothing concrete other
• 29:11
  than I could not stop thinking of love
• 29:13
  maps, one, because I felt validated
• 29:15
  as a person who's, like, like, please be
• 29:17
  friends
• 29:17
  with the person you're, like, doing this thing
• 29:20
  with, like them as a human being.
• 29:23
  And I just sort of always assumed that
• 29:26
  observation, curiosity,
• 29:28
  a willingness to share. Sure. Sure. But some
• 29:30
  of this stuff just happens over time. Like,
• 29:32
  I had never
• 29:33
  thought about
• 29:35
  purposefully
• 29:37
  focusing on how much how well can we
• 29:39
  know one another. Right?
• 29:42
  And it having a purpose beyond,
• 29:45
  that's what you do when you're together forever
• 29:47
  and you actually like each other. Right. Which
• 29:50
  really I think that's true. That's what happens
• 29:53
  when you're together. You're with somebody in whatever
• 29:55
  format way that is. Right? Whatever structure.
• 29:58
  You're with to get you're together with somebody
• 30:00
  for a long enough period of time, and
• 30:02
  you genuinely like them, and you have a
• 30:04
  genuine curiosity about them.
• 30:06
  Mhmm. But I also know that there are
• 30:08
  people who, you know,
• 30:10
  don't have a genuine curiosity,
• 30:11
  might not know what questions to ask, might,
• 30:14
  you know,
• 30:15
  think that they're, you know, intruding. They don't
• 30:18
  wanna, you know,
• 30:19
  whatever whatever. And that's that's what I then
• 30:21
  come back to when I think about power
• 30:23
  exchange specifically. Like, you and I, we got
• 30:25
  to this place, air quote, this naturally. Right?
• 30:28
  Mhmm. Because I'm a nosy bitch, and I
• 30:29
  wanna know shit. Because if I can understand
• 30:31
  you, then I know how what to do
• 30:34
  with you, around you, how I need to
• 30:36
  be like, I it's it's information for me
• 30:39
  at that point. Mhmm. But is you know,
• 30:41
  I come back to it. And, again, this
• 30:42
  whole episode is just a thought experiment.
• 30:44
  I got nothing concrete.
• 30:46
  Is there a benefit
• 30:48
  with specifically
• 30:50
  kink knowledge about your partner Mhmm.
• 30:53
  And specific to power exchange
• 30:56
  regardless of the type of power exchange? Take
• 30:58
  out all of us married folk, right, who've
• 31:01
  been together for a million years. You know,
• 31:03
  if you're invested in one other, you're probably
• 31:05
  gonna get there anyway. But, you know, is
• 31:07
  it a thing I would tell somebody who's
• 31:09
  like, I'm trying to, you know, get closer
• 31:11
  with my partner. We're working on our vulnerability
• 31:14
  and our intimacy and our communication.
• 31:16
  You know, I know what kind of DS
• 31:18
  they want. I know what kind of submissive
• 31:20
  I I am. Is that enough, or can
• 31:23
  you go deeper with this
• 31:25
  a kink map?
• 31:28
  Let me pull up to give you a
• 31:29
  sense of some of the
• 31:31
  questions that they say. This will help you
• 31:33
  build your love map. Right? Let me let
• 31:35
  me find
• 31:36
  one of the PDFs
• 31:38
  and see. Are there correlations
• 31:42
  with kinks that we can make? So, like,
• 31:45
  there there's so many questions in this thing.
• 31:46
  I'm not gonna read them all. We'd be
• 31:47
  here all day for that. But it's like,
• 31:49
  name your partner's two closest friends.
• 31:52
  What's your partner's favorite musical group, composer, or
• 31:54
  instrument? His favorite is Rush.
• 31:57
  What was your partner wearing when you first
• 31:58
  met? A green shirt that I promptly sweated
• 32:00
  through when we got on his motorcycle.
• 32:02
  And and jeans.
• 32:04
  Jeans because he was on his motorcycle.
• 32:06
  What stresses are facing your partner in the
• 32:08
  immediate future?
• 32:10
  Who's your partner's favorite relative? What's your partner's
• 32:12
  favorite food? Some of these things are
• 32:16
  superficial to a certain extent.
• 32:18
  What turns your partner on sexually? Well, if
• 32:20
  I were going to kink that question out,
• 32:22
  I'd be like, okay.
• 32:23
  What are my partner's kinks
• 32:26
  regardless of what we do together? Right. Like,
• 32:29
  is that beneficial to know even if, like,
• 32:32
  you might be into something I'm never gonna
• 32:34
  fucking do with you. Mhmm. Does it benefit
• 32:37
  our power exchange to have that knowledge
• 32:40
  of you?
• 32:41
  I don't know if it would
• 32:44
  specifically
• 32:44
  benefit
• 32:46
  in a way, but I I think that
• 32:49
  would be good knowledge to know regardless.
• 32:51
  Mhmm.
• 32:53
  Because it just kind of goes hand in
• 32:55
  hand with understanding.
• 32:57
  Just because
• 32:59
  you know, I don't like something, but you
• 33:01
  wanna do it Mhmm.
• 33:04
  Doesn't mean I shouldn't understand it.
• 33:06
  I agree with that. I agree with that
• 33:08
  because I think the more
• 33:10
  knowledge you have about your partner, the more
• 33:12
  you understand one another, the closer you can
• 33:14
  feel connected to each other. Then again too,
• 33:16
  I'm just a naturally curious person, so I
• 33:19
  always wanna look under the hood, but Nosy
• 33:20
  bitches unite. Okay.
• 33:25
  And you know what? I'm I'm being unfair
• 33:27
  to some of these questions because I'm like,
• 33:28
  well, these feel superficial. Well, you know what?
• 33:30
  It's actually way more than 20, but it
• 33:32
  is the 20,
• 33:37
  20 questions game, I can't remember
• 33:39
  what that thing's called, that we played back
• 33:40
  in the day. Right? Like, I was asking,
• 33:42
  what's your favorite movie? What do you like
• 33:44
  to do for fun?
• 33:47
  I think I remember asking, what's your favorite
• 33:49
  dessert? Which at this point,
• 33:51
  I I don't remember what you answered, but
• 33:53
  I know it's anything Apple at this point.
• 33:55
  Oh my. I don't even think that was
• 33:56
  your answer back then, but I know that
• 33:58
  now. Right? So so I can go back
• 34:00
  and look. You my god.
• 34:04
  So these questions,
• 34:06
  you know,
• 34:07
  they are very
• 34:09
  non kinky. Most of them are non sexual.
• 34:11
  Mhmm. You know? So to build something like
• 34:15
  that like, I think
• 34:16
  anybody could do this with any partner,
• 34:19
  whether it's platonic, romantic, sexual, whatever whatever. I
• 34:22
  think you could build the love map as
• 34:25
  they describe it with your partner. There's not,
• 34:27
  you know, if you haven't already done it
• 34:28
  and it's, you know, you want to know
• 34:30
  these things about each other, you want to
• 34:31
  share, you're willing to share them, cool cool
• 34:33
  cool.
• 34:34
  But my I can't stop thinking about, well,
• 34:36
  what kink questions
• 34:38
  would give you a peek allow your partner
• 34:41
  to have a peek into your inner world,
• 34:43
  allow you to understand your partner a little
• 34:45
  bit better, like what?
• 34:47
  Or does it even matter?
• 34:49
  Does it even matter?
• 34:51
  You know,
• 34:54
  to to say a particular thing, I think
• 34:56
  that would be difficult
• 34:57
  in lifestyle,
• 34:59
  because that's
• 35:01
  why many people use a
• 35:05
  Checklist.
• 35:06
  Mhmm. You know, because there are so many
• 35:08
  things, so many possibilities, so many different combinations.
• 35:11
  So are we, without knowing it, and why
• 35:14
  we being the universal kinky, are we
• 35:16
  building
• 35:17
  our own version
• 35:20
  of a kinky love map? I think I
• 35:22
  think so. After so many years, yeah.
• 35:24
  We, yes. We But I mean, like No.
• 35:26
  I mean I mean in general too. Yeah.
• 35:28
  Through the through the through the community.
• 35:30
  I think, yes, that's definitely a thing that
• 35:32
  has been happening whether
• 35:34
  subconsciously or consciously.
• 35:36
  Mhmm.
• 35:37
  You know,
• 35:38
  because
• 35:39
  and
• 35:40
  and you know, it's even morphed
• 35:43
  over the years because,
• 35:46
  oh gosh, I can't even think of what
• 35:48
  it is now.
• 35:52
  It's been so long since we used it
• 35:54
  because,
• 35:55
  rack and then the We were still aware
• 35:57
  consensual came. Right. But then the one that
• 35:58
  came
• 36:00
  first.
• 36:01
  Safe Safe, Staying, and Consensual. Yes. Thank you.
• 36:04
  SSC. Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah. We haven't
• 36:05
  used that forever.
• 36:07
  Yeah. You know, I mean, that was kind
• 36:09
  of the first
• 36:11
  iteration
• 36:12
  of it, and it has morphed
• 36:14
  throughout the year, you know, and I have
• 36:15
  RAC. There's there's even several newer ones. The
• 36:19
  only one I know after RAC is Prick,
• 36:20
  but I can't Right. And I think I
• 36:22
  think you're right. They think there's something that
• 36:24
  came after that, but I don't know what
• 36:25
  it is. I haven't seen that. So, you
• 36:26
  know, that is that is the evolution Mhmm.
• 36:28
  Of it all. Mhmm.
• 36:30
  So, you know, it it's
• 36:33
  and I I think with
• 36:35
  with DS
• 36:36
  there is a little bit
• 36:43
  Maybe not. I I kinda lost that thought,
• 36:45
  that tread. I hate that. Yeah.
• 36:46
  It happens. Mhmm. So then, here's my question.
• 36:50
  Yeah. So
• 36:51
  if
• 36:52
  the Gottmans
• 36:53
  are
• 36:54
  even remotely accurate in their assessment Mhmm. That
• 36:57
  the strong foundation of, in their case, marriage
• 37:00
  is what they're talking about Mhmm. Is that
• 37:01
  marital friendship, is that love map, is what
• 37:05
  builds the foundation of your, you know, relationship
• 37:07
  house or whatever the hell they call it.
• 37:09
  Right?
• 37:11
  And we've said that before, like, as power
• 37:13
  exchange.
• 37:14
  Right? Have your have your base. But so
• 37:16
  here's what I'm curious about. So then they
• 37:18
  then the
• 37:20
  the thing that comes from that is if
• 37:21
  you do not have
• 37:23
  a love map of your partner, and we're
• 37:25
  talking about the Gottman's sort of version of
• 37:27
  it, then there's Jamie's
• 37:29
  phone.
• 37:32
  This is chaotic, more so than usual.
• 37:36
  So the premise being if you do not
• 37:38
  have a strong love map of,
• 37:41
  your, you know,
• 37:43
  husband, wife, whatever whatever Mhmm. Then that is
• 37:45
  how relationships can't
• 37:47
  stand the test of time because there is,
• 37:51
  there are times when
• 37:53
  you don't
• 37:54
  really even wanna be around the other person
• 37:56
  all that much. You're certainly not thinking about
• 37:59
  Mhmm. You know, and I'm talking in terms
• 38:00
  of marital. You're not thinking about sex.
• 38:03
  You're stressed out to all hell and back.
• 38:05
  You know, life is hard,
• 38:08
  and it's easy to
• 38:11
  take that stress out on a partner, which
• 38:13
  is goes back to where we've talked many
• 38:15
  times about how it's not
• 38:18
  me versus you. It's us versus the problem
• 38:20
  and blah blah blah. Right? Okay. So take
• 38:22
  that back to kink.
• 38:24
  Is it possible
• 38:27
  that one of
• 38:28
  many reasons why a relationship does not work
• 38:31
  out in power exchange there are so many
• 38:33
  reasons why relationships don't work out. But is
• 38:36
  it possible that
• 38:38
  it's not a strong enough
• 38:41
  whether it's negotiation
• 38:43
  or just communication about kink And that not
• 38:45
  strong enough understanding of one another? Yeah. From
• 38:48
  a kink perspective.
• 38:49
  That again, there are so many reasons relationships
• 38:52
  Yeah. I don't last. And sometimes it's just
• 38:54
  sometimes it's a shitty human being being a
• 38:57
  shitty human being. Yeah. But I don't wanna
• 38:58
  negate that. But sometimes it's people who genuinely
• 39:01
  care about one another Mhmm. Or thought they
• 39:04
  did or negotiated something in good faith,
• 39:08
  but it can't ever get, like, past
• 39:10
  a point or it goes off the rails
• 39:13
  or,
• 39:14
  you know,
• 39:16
  to it's people not really seeing, hearing, understanding
• 39:19
  one of their from a kink perspective.
• 39:22
  Do you think that that
• 39:25
  how do I put this?
• 39:26
  Can that kind of lack of kink map
• 39:30
  impact the power exchange in the way that
• 39:33
  the lack of a strong love map
• 39:36
  presumably impacts
• 39:38
  a marriage.
• 39:39
  Is there a correlation there at all? I
• 39:41
  I think so. I think there is. And
• 39:44
  the
• 39:45
  the worst part about it
• 39:48
  is
• 39:49
  in kink,
• 39:51
  you know, if you don't have that understanding
• 39:54
  of your partner,
• 39:56
  somebody can get hurt. Absolutely.
• 40:00
  On multiple levels. And I and I I'm
• 40:01
  not saying that can't happen in in a
• 40:03
  regular relationship Sure. With with the love map
• 40:06
  kind of thing. There
• 40:07
  is, you know, definitely some emotional hurt Mhmm.
• 40:10
  If things don't happen.
• 40:12
  But in the DS, you know, you've got
• 40:15
  the added
• 40:16
  thing of physical harm Right. That could happen.
• 40:19
  Absolutely.
• 40:20
  Absolutely.
• 40:21
  And mental and emotional. Yeah. You know, you
• 40:23
  could traumatize somebody. So oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
• 40:25
  Yeah. And never, like, actually physically harm their
• 40:28
  body.
• 40:30
  So
• 40:32
  is it yet again?
• 40:35
  For the most part, with definite exceptions, it's
• 40:38
  sort of understood,
• 40:40
  almost scientifically at this point, that kinksters,
• 40:44
  the kind who are doing it and trying
• 40:45
  to be, like, good at it and healthy
• 40:47
  at it, right,
• 40:48
  have better communication.
• 40:51
  They even find I have seen one or
• 40:53
  two studies that say this, that we have,
• 40:57
  I don't know if better mental health is
• 40:59
  the right term, but sort of a better
• 41:01
  understanding of of mental health Yeah. And certainly
• 41:03
  better communication skills
• 41:05
  as a whole on average. Right? Mhmm.
• 41:08
  So have we, through negotiations,
• 41:11
  through checklists,
• 41:13
  through consent sheets,
• 41:15
  literal worksheets, have we been already doing this
• 41:18
  and the vanillas are just now catching up?
• 41:22
  Well, I don't know that. I don't know
• 41:24
  about about just catching up. I mean, how
• 41:26
  long they've been doing the study? Fifty years.
• 41:27
  I know. I'm Yeah.
• 41:29
  Yeah. But it's
• 41:30
  it's two people
• 41:32
  Yeah.
• 41:33
  Trying to tell the world, hey. You need
• 41:35
  a better fucking love map with your partner.
• 41:37
  Mhmm. And kingsters are over here going, bitch,
• 41:39
  I got workbooks.
• 41:41
  I got, you know, published books. I got
• 41:43
  these worksheets right here. Mhmm. Is this
• 41:47
  it's clearly different. Right? The love map
• 41:50
  versus what the kink version might be. But
• 41:53
  is it
• 41:54
  They stole it from us.
• 41:57
  I don't think they're one to one the
• 41:58
  same,
• 41:59
  but there's, you know is that what we're
• 42:01
  doing? There's definitely an, you know On a
• 42:04
  certain level. Venn diagram overlap there. Mhmm. Okay.
• 42:08
  So, yeah. I I I think,
• 42:11
  you know, whether,
• 42:13
  again, consciously or unconsciously that, you know, kinks
• 42:15
  are starting we're doing this that,
• 42:18
  you know, yeah. It it's
• 42:20
  it's a good thing. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.
• 42:23
  And,
• 42:24
  you know,
• 42:26
  I I don't know. They I I think
• 42:28
  they took it from us and been notified
• 42:31
  it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. For
• 42:32
  sure. Like, oh, those kinky people
• 42:34
  tend to have better outcomes. Not always. We
• 42:36
  know they're Yeah. We know they're the awful
• 42:39
  people. And we also know that many people
• 42:42
  struggle
• 42:42
  to be that vulnerable with a partner for
• 42:45
  all kinds of reasons. Right. The other thing
• 42:47
  I think that sometimes
• 42:49
  a person is just not
• 42:51
  curious enough about their partner for whatever their
• 42:54
  reasons are. Right?
• 42:56
  Because
• 42:57
  I don't know. I can't maybe it's because
• 43:00
  I
• 43:01
  cannot imagine
• 43:02
  any
• 43:04
  power exchange that did not come with some
• 43:06
  depth of emotion and connection because Mhmm. I
• 43:09
  mean, I don't do anything relationship or sexual
• 43:13
  without some kind of connection somewhere, not necessarily
• 43:15
  directly with the person, but there it's there's
• 43:17
  gotta be a connecting force, and that's how
• 43:19
  I'm wired.
• 43:21
  But, you know, I just can't imagine doing
• 43:23
  power exchange, especially long term, especially, like, negotiated.
• 43:27
  This is your role. This is my role.
• 43:28
  These are the things we're going to do
• 43:30
  together, and not being curious about the other
• 43:32
  person. Mhmm. You know?
• 43:35
  I'm sure there are people out there. They
• 43:37
  make it work. It's fine. It's fine. It's
• 43:38
  fine. But if I wanna be connected to
• 43:40
  a human being
• 43:42
  in such a vulnerable way, such an intimate
• 43:46
  way
• 43:47
  for any amount of time. I wanna I'm
• 43:49
  a nosy bitch. I wanna know about this
• 43:51
  person.
• 43:53
  And for me personally, just sort of how
• 43:55
  I view the world and not just from,
• 43:57
  like, the things I should see a therapist
• 43:59
  over. I know there's some of that too.
• 44:00
  I'm hyper vigilant, like I know stuff and
• 44:02
  I get it.
• 44:04
  But like I wanna know your inner world
• 44:07
  to a certain extent. I wanna kind of
• 44:09
  like know how a person,
• 44:11
  you know, ticks and what what makes them
• 44:13
  tick and how they, like, view the world
• 44:15
  and how how,
• 44:16
  you know,
• 44:18
  just stuff about them,
• 44:20
  mostly from a nosy
• 44:22
  perspective.
• 44:23
  But I do think I take that kind
• 44:24
  of information in
• 44:27
  as a submissive too, you know. And I
• 44:29
  think dominants take
• 44:31
  some version of that information because the more
• 44:33
  you can kinda understand your partner, the more
• 44:35
  you can tailor what you're doing with one
• 44:36
  another
• 44:37
  to fit each other. Well, to fit each
• 44:39
  other and and, you know,
• 44:43
  from either a relationship or a king side,
• 44:45
  you know how much you line up. There
• 44:48
  is that too. I think initial negotiations help
• 44:50
  with that. Yeah. I think it's like many
• 44:52
  people I see, like, online talking about their
• 44:54
  relationships or where it didn't
• 44:56
  go well or in the emails we get
• 44:58
  where things didn't go well. Mhmm. It's like
• 45:00
  the initial negotiations
• 45:01
  tend to be fine, and then somewhere after
• 45:04
  that,
• 45:05
  things are off. Sometimes it's the first conflict,
• 45:08
  and Mhmm. One or both sides of that
• 45:10
  don't know how to resolve that
• 45:12
  well.
• 45:13
  Sometimes it's a, well, they said this is
• 45:16
  what they wanted and this is who they
• 45:18
  were and this is what they would do,
• 45:19
  but now it's not matching up after the
• 45:21
  initial excitement has worn off. Or it's the
• 45:24
  new relationship energy has died off. We are
• 45:26
  outside of that honeymoon period and you're like,
• 45:31
  what am I who you know?
• 45:34
  I just I know there are lots of
• 45:36
  there's so many variables.
• 45:38
  It's why I kind of feel like
• 45:43
  this is the this is my bias coming
• 45:46
  right on out. And I know I'm not
• 45:48
  correct about it, but I'll just tell you
• 45:49
  how what's in my heart, I guess.
• 45:52
  It feels like the the concept of just
• 45:54
  a love map, right,
• 45:56
  is really it's simple and it's useful for
• 45:58
  something like marriage.
• 46:00
  But something about power exchange and kink is
• 46:02
  way too fucking nuanced for something that
• 46:05
  simplistic. Yeah. Does that make sense? Like, I
• 46:08
  think it's because
• 46:09
  and I'm sure I know this is true
• 46:11
  for marriage. I had a marriage that was
• 46:12
  not kinky, and I was miserable and got
• 46:14
  out of
• 46:15
  it. But, like,
• 46:16
  I could not tell a kinky couple, well,
• 46:19
  you just need to strengthen your kink map
• 46:20
  or your love map, and it'll be okay.
• 46:22
  It's like, well, no. If we do not
• 46:24
  align Right. In all of these different ways,
• 46:27
  it does not matter how much we might
• 46:29
  like each other personally. Right? Or we really
• 46:32
  like each other personally, but we can't make
• 46:34
  the kink work. So how are like, you
• 46:36
  know what I mean?
• 46:38
  So I if it I think it might
• 46:40
  be, and this is my bias,
• 46:42
  that concept of just a love map is
• 46:44
  is not nuanced enough for what it takes
• 46:47
  to have a power exchange that, you know,
• 46:50
  can be fulfilling for everybody involved.
• 46:53
  Like, it might be one
• 46:55
  piece of it, but it's not I would
• 46:57
  not call the love map the
• 46:59
  foundation.
• 47:01
  I would call your compatibility
• 47:02
  and friendship and genuinely liking this person part
• 47:05
  of the foundation. I mean, even with a
• 47:07
  relationship, you know, I've
• 47:09
  said in the past that we talked about
• 47:11
  it, you know, having your foundation for kink,
• 47:14
  it, you know,
• 47:15
  your your communication, your trust, and
• 47:18
  Mhmm. You know, those all those things help
• 47:21
  build the the foundation. Mhmm. Okay.
• 47:24
  And and this could just be another part
• 47:26
  of it. Is it is it, an a
• 47:28
  whole and entirety of it in and of
• 47:30
  itself?
• 47:31
  No.
• 47:32
  But I think it's a fairly good percentage.
• 47:35
  Mhmm. You know, for to understand and know
• 47:37
  your partner like that. Yes. I think the
• 47:40
  way I'm seeing love maps described for non
• 47:43
  kinky
• 47:43
  marriages or partnerships. Right? Is, like, this is
• 47:46
  your foundation. If you have this, then you
• 47:48
  build upon that. And I would say for
• 47:52
  for power exchange,
• 47:54
  a love map or some version of it
• 47:56
  is the outcome of what the foundation for
• 47:59
  power exchange is. Right? Mhmm. The the outcome
• 48:01
  of a love map is communication.
• 48:03
  It is trust. It is vulnerability. It is
• 48:06
  intimacy.
• 48:07
  It is genuine curiosity about your partner to
• 48:10
  the extent that both everybody wants to share.
• 48:12
  It is,
• 48:15
  the compatibility of kinks. It is friendship. That's
• 48:18
  the fucking base. And the love map to
• 48:21
  me,
• 48:21
  if it that exists in some kink version
• 48:23
  or it's the love map like you and
• 48:25
  I would have with one another,
• 48:27
  that's the outcome of all of that. That's
• 48:29
  the carpet
• 48:30
  on top of the foundation. That's the flooring.
• 48:33
  The the concrete fucking base
• 48:36
  is all the stuff that builds something like
• 48:38
  a love map.
• 48:39
  True. Yeah. I think that's where I land
• 48:41
  on that. Yeah.
• 48:43
  Yeah. It's a good landing.
• 48:47
  Did I stick the landing? No. I wobbled
• 48:49
  all the way to it, but that's okay.
• 48:50
  That's okay. That's okay.
• 48:53
  So you do seven five, though.
• 48:55
  Not more?
• 48:56
  Not even out of 10? I don't get
• 48:58
  more.
• 48:59
  Actually, that's not how they,
• 49:02
  I think it's, like, a maximum of, like,
• 49:03
  16 or 17 points now, and nobody can
• 49:06
  get there. I don't know. Yeah. Now I've
• 49:07
  gone down a different rabbit hole.
• 49:09
  I don't know that my mind will let
• 49:12
  go of this
• 49:13
  idea that
• 49:15
  there are specific questions and kink outside of
• 49:17
  negotiations Mhmm.
• 49:19
  That could help you understand your kinky partners
• 49:21
  and enroll better. My mind's not coming up
• 49:23
  with those questions, so maybe it never will.
• 49:25
  But, like, I've latched on to that. Like,
• 49:26
  because my thing is
• 49:28
  not the love map. Like, I'm I'm fine
• 49:30
  with whatever. Mhmm. It's the
• 49:33
  what kind of conversations
• 49:35
  outside of just negotiating a dynamic and negotiating
• 49:38
  this I'm gonna do a and you're gonna
• 49:40
  do b and how this how we'll get
• 49:42
  to c in this scene. Right?
• 49:45
  What kind of conversations could kinksters
• 49:48
  specifically
• 49:49
  have with one another
• 49:50
  that
• 49:51
  builds that trust, that allows them to be
• 49:53
  vulnerable, allows them to learn about their partner
• 49:56
  beyond the basic negotiations. That's that's the thing
• 49:58
  I can't and I don't have answers. We're
• 50:00
  not gonna, like, try and do it now.
• 50:02
  But that's the thing that might stick with
• 50:03
  me for a while. And if I can
• 50:05
  figure out
• 50:06
  again, shameless self promotion. Maybe for some people,
• 50:09
  30 of DS workbooks, The thirty days of
• 50:11
  DS is the original. Volume two is, like,
• 50:14
  I consider more advanced. Like, you're out of
• 50:16
  the basics
• 50:17
  of power exchange. You're, like, kinda fucking live
• 50:19
  it now.
• 50:20
  Maybe that is part of it. Maybe that's
• 50:22
  already helped folks get there.
• 50:25
  But are, you know, are there certain types
• 50:27
  of conversations
• 50:28
  that we, you know, can people could have
• 50:30
  with each other that help them build that
• 50:33
  foundation? No. No. That might be a good
• 50:34
  thing to ponder. I I don't think my
• 50:36
  head's gonna let it go because
• 50:38
  nope. It hadn't yet.
• 50:40
  And the fact that it is still there
• 50:41
  and I remember it Right. That that hours
• 50:44
  and weeks later. Hey. That that says it's
• 50:46
  not right there. Yep.
• 50:48
  It's okay. Love Maps, I think that's a
• 50:49
  cool concept.
• 50:51
  I think
• 50:52
  power exchange and kinksters in general, even if
• 50:54
  it's not a power exchange situation, we're already
• 50:57
  create that with the framework of our negotiations
• 51:00
  and consent and the way that you actually
• 51:02
  build your power exchange with a partner and
• 51:04
  then maintain it Yeah. However long.
• 51:07
  We're already doing it, and
• 51:09
  love, Matt, don't is not the right term
• 51:11
  for us. No.
• 51:12
  Nope. Nope. So that's where I land on
• 51:15
  it, my thought experiment.
• 51:17
  Any other thoughts? Mm-mm.
• 51:18
  It was a it was an interesting
• 51:21
  topic. I know.
• 51:22
  That's part of, you know, where my brain
• 51:24
  is going is, okay, there's all this stuff,
• 51:26
  especially with the the Gottmans I'm seeing get
• 51:28
  more, like, mentions by therapists
• 51:31
  online because my algorithm will sometimes
• 51:34
  just be, like, relationship coaches and and therapists.
• 51:38
  Lola agrees.
• 51:39
  And it's like, okay. Do some of these
• 51:41
  concepts that I'm hearing about more and more,
• 51:43
  and I think I've Mhmm. You'll probably see
• 51:44
  us do this more often in the future.
• 51:48
  Is this relatable to kink? Is this can
• 51:50
  kink
• 51:51
  learn something from this? Or in this case,
• 51:53
  are we already doing it? We just don't
• 51:55
  call it that?
• 52:01
  Doing this buried She buried herself under the
• 52:04
  blanket. Her head. Yeah. You cannot see her
• 52:06
  head.
• 52:07
  She's also facing the wall and crying. Ma'am.
• 52:10
  Ma'am.
• 52:12
  So final shameless self promotion.
• 52:14
  If you want to know yourself better as
• 52:16
  a kinkster, if you're trying to, you know,
• 52:18
  talk to your partner, y'all are new to
• 52:20
  kink, whatever whatever, check out all thirty days
• 52:22
  of,
• 52:23
  DS,
• 52:24
  workbooks, links in the places.
• 52:26
  You know? If you already have them and
• 52:28
  you did it for yourself to understand yourself,
• 52:31
  you know,
• 52:32
  is there value and could you know, if
• 52:34
  you have a partner, could you answer those
• 52:36
  questions on behalf of your partner and feel
• 52:38
  like you understand how they view kink and,
• 52:40
  you know, where they're at. I
• 52:43
  again, that's a shame of self promotion, though.
• 52:47
  But, yeah, that
• 52:48
  that's all I got,
• 52:50
  on love maps. So are we
• 52:54
  are we good? I have no idea.
• 52:56
  I, my cheeks are really flushed. They're very
• 52:59
  warm, and I don't know why.
• 53:01
  You've been talking a bit, you know. About
• 53:03
  a thing I don't feel like I have
• 53:04
  my arms wrapped around. I don't have a
• 53:06
  fully formed opinion. On. That's very hard for
• 53:08
  me. I wanna come to you with, here's
• 53:09
  what I thought. I know. Right. Yeah. You
• 53:11
  want you want the concrete Yeah. Solid I
• 53:14
  don't get that with this one. That's okay.
• 53:15
  I think I like where we
• 53:17
  the conclusion we came to. And I think
• 53:19
  it's fair if somebody comes to a different
• 53:21
  conclusion. There's another, you know Yeah. But yeah.
• 53:23
  Because I think it's gonna hit everybody differently.
• 53:25
  Mhmm. Just like anything else. Yep. K. So
• 53:29
  So are we truly good now?
• 53:31
  Only you can say if I'm good. Well,
• 53:34
  true.
• 53:37
  Keep it kinky off. And we'll see you
• 53:38
  next week.
• 53:49
  Daddy.
• 53:50
  Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to the
• 53:51
  cricket? Sure.
• 53:54
  Lola's being a menace. Yeah. If you are
• 53:56
  new here, that doesn't happen every week. Last
• 53:59
  week I think it was last week. We
• 54:00
  didn't hear from her at all. She was
• 54:02
  in the other room and we never heard
• 54:03
  from her. Yeah.
• 54:04
  In other news, it is just chilly enough
• 54:07
  that I can wear my leggings without sweating.
• 54:10
  Our windows are open. Our windows are open.
• 54:12
  My toes got cold today.
• 54:15
  I was sitting under Windows are open. AC
• 54:17
  is fan and I off. Mhmm. Mhmm. And
• 54:20
  it's a beautiful thing. Oh, god. And and
• 54:23
  I don't know if it's changed. I'm not
• 54:25
  gonna look right now. But when I looked
• 54:27
  at the weather forecast for the ten days,
• 54:30
  tomorrow,
• 54:31
  Thursday,
• 54:32
  October 30,
• 54:34
  supposedly a special day in life. It is.
• 54:38
  Very important day. The high is supposed to
• 54:40
  be, like, 60. Yeah. And I'm like, happy
• 54:43
  fucking birthday to me.
• 54:47
  Maybe I won't sweat my ass off
• 54:50
  on my birthday.
• 54:52
  But I would like to point out, we
• 54:54
  had to get to October 29 Yeah. Before
• 54:57
  we got a day that did there where
• 54:59
  so far the whole day, nobody's breaking out
• 55:01
  into a sweat. I mean, you were outside
• 55:03
  working all morning Oh, yeah.
• 55:06
  Sawing and sanding and painting. I was kneeling.
• 55:08
  Yeah.
• 55:09
  No sweat. Nope.
• 55:11
  Nope.
• 55:13
  It's delightful. It was nice. Yeah. It's delightful.
• 55:15
  It was. Very nice. Very nice in doing
• 55:17
  it. Mhmm. You know, I went went outside
• 55:19
  last last evening
• 55:21
  and,
• 55:22
  I was like, oh, this is this is
• 55:24
  different.
• 55:26
  And,
• 55:27
  came inside, hit some buttons, and then I
• 55:29
  opened started opening windows.
• 55:33
  I last night was didn't quite get the
• 55:36
  room cool enough that I
• 55:38
  could, like, burrow under the covers, which is
• 55:40
  k. What I'm waiting for. But
• 55:42
  when I did get warm, I could stick
• 55:44
  a foot out from under the covers, and
• 55:45
  I'd cool down relatively quickly. That was nice.
• 55:48
  That was nice. It was. That was very
• 55:49
  nice.
• 55:51
  So tonight, as of recording, day of recording,
• 55:54
  we're gonna go see the oldest at yet
• 55:56
  another performance. Yep. This time last week, we
• 55:59
  went to that concert.
• 56:00
  This week, it's a recital. They wear Halloween
• 56:03
  costumes for this one. Yeah. It's a much
• 56:05
  more intimate setting. It's like a it's actually
• 56:07
  a classroom Mhmm. For musicians. So there's, like,
• 56:10
  the stage, but then there's
• 56:12
  college classroom seating.
• 56:14
  That one's always fun. Mhmm. It
• 56:17
  is. It is. That's
• 56:18
  I and I think it's it's fun because,
• 56:21
  you know, like the,
• 56:23
  when they have the symphonic
• 56:24
  concerts and and Big old group. You know,
• 56:26
  it one, it's a big old group
• 56:29
  and,
• 56:30
  you know, it has a very serious air
• 56:33
  Oh, yes. About it. Okay? You know? We
• 56:36
  are, you know,
• 56:37
  consummate professionals. This is Mhmm. This is for
• 56:39
  a grade. Yeah. Yeah. You know, there's I
• 56:43
  I I would almost describe it as, you
• 56:44
  know, pomp and circumstance.
• 56:46
  Oh, yes. Yes. The way that's handled, absolutely.
• 56:49
  Yeah.
• 56:50
  So,
• 56:51
  you know, this yeah. It it's it's very
• 56:53
  different. Casual. Casual,
• 56:56
  you know, and, it's it's just a good
• 56:58
  time. Yeah. Everybody
• 56:59
  by all, whether it's the players or, you
• 57:01
  know, the the audience. You know? They call
• 57:03
  it a studio recital because
• 57:05
  at least at UF I don't know how
• 57:07
  other colleges do it. We don't go there.
• 57:10
  The different instrument
• 57:12
  have groups. Right? Mhmm. So this is euphoniums
• 57:15
  and,
• 57:16
  baritones and tubas,
• 57:19
  which means it's like all that deep guttural
• 57:22
  bass sound. I freaking love that. Yep.
• 57:25
  But their,
• 57:26
  professor is also really relaxed and does not
• 57:28
  take herself too seriously.
• 57:30
  So there's giggling. There's talking. Now when they're
• 57:33
  performing,
• 57:34
  they are like Oh, yeah. They're acting right.
• 57:37
  Mhmm. But in the in between or sometimes
• 57:39
  the first year this is the first year
• 57:41
  I went because did the the oldest give
• 57:45
  me less than twelve hours notice that he
• 57:47
  had a performance for that?
• 57:49
  Yeah. And I was the only one. Everybody
• 57:51
  else was like,
• 57:52
  no. We're we were not mentally prepared for
• 57:55
  this. I'm like, I'll do it. And it
• 57:57
  was fun. And then I watched I think
• 57:59
  that year, the oldest
• 58:01
  wore a clown nose Yes. Or did something.
• 58:04
  He wore he yeah. The nose. And that
• 58:06
  that's where they get silly. Like, they're playing
• 58:08
  these pieces
• 58:10
  in a way that shows that they take
• 58:11
  it seriously, but they're being silly and goofy
• 58:14
  while they do it. Or they're picking pieces
• 58:16
  that are not, like, super, like,
• 58:18
  serious and look how technical I could be.
• 58:21
  They're playing, like,
• 58:23
  you know, fun stuff. And the Halloween one,
• 58:24
  they are. The whole thing is Halloween themed.
• 58:26
  Mhmm. Yes. So Yes. Yep.
• 58:29
  A euphonium I'm gonna my oldest would be
• 58:31
  so mad at me when I find it
• 58:33
  this way because it's not accurate. But a
• 58:34
  euphonium is basically a small tuba. A baby
• 58:37
  tuba. The baby tuba. Yep. And a euphonium
• 58:39
  and a baritone are two different things, but
• 58:42
  my brain does not know how. Mhmm.
• 58:45
  My oldest would be ashamed of me, but
• 58:47
  my brain does not know how they're different.
• 58:49
  I just know they are different. There's nothing
• 58:51
  different.
• 58:52
  That's all I know.
• 58:54
  So
• 58:56
  yeah. So that's fun. Mhmm. And then tomorrow,
• 59:01
  my mother will get here. Mhmm. And I
• 59:03
  am looking forward to that.
• 59:08
  But I've already tried
• 59:10
  sending the messages,
• 59:11
  like, okay. I'm not gonna live in perpetual.
• 59:14
  I don't know. What do you wanna do
• 59:16
  for the next six days?
• 59:17
  Here's what my life looks like. Here are
• 59:20
  my appointments. Here's what I'm open to do.
• 59:22
  Here's here's what I got. You fill in
• 59:24
  the fucking blanks and just tell me when
• 59:26
  to show up. I was like, I'm not
• 59:27
  playing that game.
• 59:29
  Yeah. I know. A few times I've passed,
• 59:31
  I've had to kinda, like You have to
• 59:33
  very softly and very subtly, you have to
• 59:35
  use your big d voice on on this
• 59:38
  family.
• 59:39
  And let me tell you, they all fucking
• 59:41
  get in line, not just me. Okay?
• 59:48
  They all go, mhmm. Yep. That's what we're
• 59:50
  gonna do, including my uncle. It's not just
• 59:53
  the sisters. I mean, no.
• 59:55
  No. No. Whole fucking class. Just as bad
• 59:57
  as them.
• 59:58
  Well and it's one of those and, again,
• 1:00:00
  I don't know if it's an age thing
• 1:00:01
  or a southern thing or something. It's nobody
• 1:00:04
  wants
• 1:00:06
  to,
• 1:00:07
  offend or or appear rude
• 1:00:10
  or upset somebody else, and yet and yet
• 1:00:14
  everybody is thinking the same thing. Just what's
• 1:00:16
  the plan? Just what's decided? I think there's
• 1:00:18
  also
• 1:00:19
  and I, I don't know if this is
• 1:00:20
  about
• 1:00:22
  generationally,
• 1:00:23
  you know, being socialized as a woman or
• 1:00:25
  it's a southern regional thing. I do not
• 1:00:27
  know. There is this thing of it's somehow
• 1:00:30
  selfish to tell a group, well, this is
• 1:00:32
  what I wanna do.
• 1:00:34
  You know?
• 1:00:37
  It's like, no. You're allowed to say you
• 1:00:40
  wanna do a thing. Right. The group might
• 1:00:41
  not agree. Yeah. But you are not inherently
• 1:00:44
  rude to speak up. How is anybody gonna
• 1:00:46
  know what to decide on if nobody
• 1:00:49
  And now here's my problem.
• 1:00:51
  I defer to you automatically. You know that.
• 1:00:54
  Mhmm. That's what we do here. I defer
• 1:00:56
  to my elders. I was fucking raised that
• 1:00:58
  way.
• 1:01:00
  So
• 1:01:00
  even though I kind of understand some of
• 1:01:02
  the psychology of what the fuck is happening,
• 1:01:05
  And I know
• 1:01:07
  that I could a 100%
• 1:01:09
  be a baby girl and get whatever I
• 1:01:12
  wanted to do done in the name of
• 1:01:13
  decision making.
• 1:01:15
  I can't make myself do it because I'm
• 1:01:18
  thinking,
• 1:01:19
  but they're my elders. Now we are all
• 1:01:21
  grown ass people, and I got more gray
• 1:01:23
  hair than any of them. Okay?
• 1:01:26
  Which pisses me off because I'm the youngest
• 1:01:28
  of the adult. No. No. I'm not the
• 1:01:29
  youngest of the adults. The 20 year old
• 1:01:32
  is the youngest of the adults. Oh my
• 1:01:34
  god.
• 1:01:35
  Oh my god. I lost my baby adult
• 1:01:37
  status. You you you yeah. Pass the, crown.
• 1:01:42
  Of the ones who are here and in
• 1:01:44
  the conversation not making fucking decisions,
• 1:01:47
  I could, you know, I could a 100%
• 1:01:49
  go, okay. We're just gonna go here. And
• 1:01:51
  if they didn't like it, they would tell
• 1:01:52
  me immediately. But most likely, they go, okay.
• 1:01:54
  That sounds good. And I could just
• 1:01:56
  I could rule the fucking roost. And that's
• 1:01:58
  and I can't I can't bring myself to
• 1:02:00
  do it.
• 1:02:01
  But they're my elders. What you know, my
• 1:02:03
  mom's visiting. She only gets to do so
• 1:02:06
  much stuff. She's only got so much time.
• 1:02:08
  There are things
• 1:02:10
  even here in not a major metro part
• 1:02:12
  of Florida that she does not have in
• 1:02:15
  South Mississippi.
• 1:02:16
  So I I defer to her, but then
• 1:02:18
  she's like, but I don't wanna be rude.
• 1:02:19
  And I'm like, you know what's rude? Us
• 1:02:20
  all sitting around getting hungry, which turns into
• 1:02:23
  hangry. Hangry. Because nobody's making any sense. That
• 1:02:26
  gets dangerous. Now the one time I have
• 1:02:28
  seen her just go, fuck it. This is
• 1:02:29
  what we're doing. Literally, that's what she said.
• 1:02:31
  And she says, fuck less than JB says,
• 1:02:33
  fuck. Okay?
• 1:02:35
  She was driving. And she went, fuck it.
• 1:02:37
  I'm just driving here. Anybody who wants to
• 1:02:39
  get out and go get a some
• 1:02:43
  canned.
• 1:02:45
  Yeah.
• 1:02:46
  But I'm still, you know, happy she's coming.
• 1:02:48
  Mhmm. Yeah.
• 1:02:49
  Mhmm.
• 1:02:50
  So
• 1:02:52
  I always look forward to her visits. Yeah.
• 1:02:54
  My mom's chill. My mom is chill. Mhmm.
• 1:02:57
  It's more the dynamics of when everybody gets
• 1:02:59
  together, where it's like,
• 1:03:01
  okay.
• 1:03:02
  Yeah. Well, I my the big thing I
• 1:03:05
  need to practice, we'll find out this time
• 1:03:07
  next week if I manage it, is to
• 1:03:08
  try not to
• 1:03:10
  try to manage everybody's emotions and try to
• 1:03:13
  be the peacekeeper
• 1:03:14
  and the go between. Like, I just need
• 1:03:16
  to let them fucking bicker. Yep. And I'll
• 1:03:19
  be like, look. I'm a sit in this
• 1:03:20
  back seat wherever you drive. I'll I'll get
• 1:03:23
  out there. Just park wherever it is. I
• 1:03:24
  don't give a fuck. But that's usually when
• 1:03:27
  I have, like, a less than fun time
• 1:03:30
  because I'm explaining to one sister, well, your
• 1:03:33
  sister's like this because
• 1:03:35
  have you considered?
• 1:03:37
  And then the other sister, I'm like, well,
• 1:03:38
  have you considered?
• 1:03:39
  Your sister might do this because
• 1:03:42
  Sounds like you're doing joint counseling.
• 1:03:44
  Everybody in the fucking family needs therapy.
• 1:03:47
  And why is it the people
• 1:03:49
  who
• 1:03:50
  tend to send us to therapy
• 1:03:53
  are the last ones who will ever get
• 1:03:54
  there. They do the shit that makes you
• 1:03:55
  need to go to therapy.
• 1:03:57
  You won't go to fucking therapy themselves.
• 1:03:59
  Anyway, anyway, it's fine. It's fine. I love
• 1:04:02
  my fam I do love my family. I
• 1:04:04
  do love my family.
• 1:04:05
  I do love my family.
• 1:04:07
  Yeah. So anyway
• 1:04:09
  Anyhoo.
• 1:04:11
  So,
• 1:04:13
  that it?
• 1:04:15
  I don't know.
• 1:04:18
  I know. Oh, goddamn it. Why do I
• 1:04:20
  have to actually care about being a good
• 1:04:23
  fucking submissive?
• 1:04:25
  I know if I do not tell you
• 1:04:26
  this or remind you of this and we
• 1:04:28
  stop streaming and recording and you think of
• 1:04:30
  it later, you're gonna go, oh, fuck. And
• 1:04:32
  then go, why didn't you remind me, baby
• 1:04:34
  girl?
• 1:04:36
  JB,
• 1:04:38
  my birthday is tomorrow. Yes.
• 1:04:40
  Whatever you wanted to say earlier that you
• 1:04:42
  didn't get to say, there you go. I
• 1:04:44
  was a good girl and fucking reminded you.
• 1:04:46
  I'll be 46, y'all.
• 1:04:49
  I get to see my mommy on my
• 1:04:51
  birthday.
• 1:04:52
  There you go. What else what else was
• 1:04:54
  it?
• 1:04:56
  Oh my god.
• 1:04:59
  Do y'all does anybody is anybody o OG
• 1:05:01
  enough to remember when he would serenade me
• 1:05:03
  with half don't please don't sing to me.
• 1:05:05
  He would serenade me with happy birthday, and
• 1:05:07
  now he's like,
• 1:05:09
  I forgot I even wanted to talk about
• 1:05:10
  it. I got nothing to say.
• 1:05:14
  I was only reminding you
• 1:05:18
  because that felt like the right thing to
• 1:05:20
  do as your submissive.
• 1:05:29
  So, yeah, folks. Tomorrow is this person's birthday.
• 1:05:34
  Goddamn. Did you just mind fuck me all
• 1:05:36
  the way around?
• 1:05:39
  I fall for it every time.
• 1:05:43
  So, you know, reach out, whether it's, you
• 1:05:46
  know You don't have to. With that social
• 1:05:47
  media and wish her a very happy birthday.
• 1:05:50
  Oh. Or Discord even, you know, yeah.
• 1:05:52
  That's very kind of it. You don't have
• 1:05:54
  to.
• 1:05:55
  Do what daddy says.
• 1:05:57
  Damn
• 1:05:58
  it. Is that what you always say? Hoisted
• 1:06:00
  by my own petard.
• 1:06:02
  I think I said that right. Mhmm. Mhmm.
• 1:06:04
  It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.
• 1:06:07
  We don't have anything special planned.
• 1:06:10
  We,
• 1:06:12
  my gift is my mom coming to town
• 1:06:14
  for we our wedding anniversary was the day
• 1:06:16
  before recording, October.
• 1:06:18
  That's true. We
• 1:06:20
  went and had cheap Mexican
• 1:06:22
  for lunch. It was delicious. Oh, yeah. You
• 1:06:24
  had to roll us out of there. You
• 1:06:25
  didn't finish yours.
• 1:06:27
  I had a I had looked for lunch
• 1:06:28
  today. We made sure to get the lunch
• 1:06:30
  specials. Yeah. We got our queso because, of
• 1:06:33
  course, we did. Mhmm. But, you know, we'd,
• 1:06:35
  like, stopped in the middle of our day,
• 1:06:36
  took showers, put, like, grown up clothes
• 1:06:39
  on. And went to lunch together. And then
• 1:06:41
  we went and ran errands because are you,
• 1:06:43
  like, a old married couple if you don't
• 1:06:46
  turn
• 1:06:47
  a date into, oh, but we can go
• 1:06:49
  do these other things.
• 1:06:56
  So now I'm I'm gonna give you Me?
• 1:06:59
  You Me.
• 1:07:01
  A little bit of a,
• 1:07:04
  option. Uh-oh.
• 1:07:06
  Would you
• 1:07:07
  Mhmm.
• 1:07:08
  Prefer
• 1:07:09
  Mhmm.
• 1:07:11
  To be
• 1:07:12
  spanked
• 1:07:14
  or flogged for your birthday? Fucking hell. I
• 1:07:17
  don't know. Can I look? Look. Look. Can
• 1:07:20
  I be spanked for our anniversary and flogged
• 1:07:23
  for my birthday?
• 1:07:27
  Or vice versa, flogged? Because I know you
• 1:07:29
  really like flogging too. Flogged for our anniversary,
• 1:07:32
  spanked for our birthday?
• 1:07:38
  You're the ultimate decider, but if you're asking
• 1:07:40
  my opinion, that's how I would do it.
• 1:07:41
  Okay. Okay. We're not gonna cut this baby
• 1:07:43
  in half.
• 1:07:48
  And I don't like to make impossible decisions.
• 1:07:50
  There's always a compromise.
• 1:07:56
  But as ever, I will let the decider
• 1:07:58
  decide.
• 1:07:59
  Mhmm.
• 1:08:00
  Mhmm.
• 1:08:01
  Alright.
• 1:08:02
  In that note, we probably should go.
• 1:08:04
  Okay.
• 1:08:05
  We gotta eat a little bit of an
• 1:08:07
  early dinner and get on the road. I'm
• 1:08:08
  watching
• 1:08:10
  the YouTube live. There's a bit of a
• 1:08:12
  There's a major gap. Where the hell did
• 1:08:14
  you go for all that time? When did
• 1:08:16
  you leave that where did you go? That
• 1:08:18
  was this next second time I went to,
• 1:08:23
  Lola.
• 1:08:24
  No. We're not that far behind.
• 1:08:27
  I don't know what's happening with the stream.
• 1:08:29
  Podcast listeners, don't worry. I don't know. I'm
• 1:08:32
  doing either anymore. You're just getting up and
• 1:08:34
  wandering away now.
• 1:08:46
  Anyway, Lola is now under her blanket and
• 1:08:49
  snoring.
• 1:08:50
  Oh, God. Yeah. She is. She married herself
• 1:08:52
  under there again. She's tucked in.
• 1:08:54
  And she's And I just washed that thing,
• 1:08:56
  and, you know, fold it up real nice,
• 1:08:57
  and made her bed, and look what she
• 1:08:59
  does. Mhmm. Mhmm.
• 1:09:02
  Mhmm. Yep. She was offended when you washed
• 1:09:04
  all her bedding. Yes. Yes. But that was
• 1:09:05
  also the day we gave her a bath.
• 1:09:06
  She was very upset about that.
• 1:09:09
  And we managed to get her bath in
• 1:09:11
  five minutes before a torrential downpour. A torrential
• 1:09:13
  downpour.
• 1:09:14
  Yeah. Yep. So Yeah. We did.
• 1:09:17
  Anyway,
• 1:09:18
  as always, we could keep going forever. That's
• 1:09:20
  true. We could. But we're not gonna do
• 1:09:21
  that. No. Because we have to, like, make
• 1:09:23
  our afternoon go fast because we still got
• 1:09:25
  stuff. Go see a kid perform. Yep. Be
• 1:09:28
  band parents. Mhmm. Okay. We're gonna go. K.
• 1:09:31
  Thanks for being here. Mhmm. Especially to the
• 1:09:32
  bitter end. Yep.
• 1:09:35
  And we'll see y'all next week. Uh-huh. Okay.
• 1:09:37
  Bye.