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145. Porn, Lies & Betrayal: Can Trust Ever Be Re-Built After Such a Betrayal? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apologie production a easier advice. Are you okay what happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much? Bring it in.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: Welcome to our bestie segment.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: This is the place for you. Hello everybody, and welcome
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: back to a bestie segment. Today's one is a little
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: oh hey, dick, a little out. The title is called Porn,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: Lies and Betrayal. Can trust ever be rebuilt? Let's just
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: get straight into it, Bring it in. My husband lied
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: to me for over twelve years. When we first got together,
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: we had a very open and clear discussion about porn
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: and the use of it. He said he didn't watch it,
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: and I said I didn't like it. I understand a
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: lot of people are super comfortable with it in their
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: relationships and it's no judgment there, but it's just a
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: no from me. I'm not comfortable with it. And life
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: went on through marriage and kids together, ups and downs,
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: and this year I found pawn on his phone and
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: he looking at explicit OnlyFans content, not paying, but searching
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: for it online. I then found out that he'd been
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: watching porn at least a few times a week over
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: the last twelve years. I was so shocked and hurt.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: I felt betrayed and so so uncomfortable. He has since
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: stopped and even seeks some counseling. That's by his choice.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: But months later, I still can't get over this. How
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: can I move forward? I don't feel like I can
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: trust him like I used to.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: Oh, this is a tough one, babe.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: So tough. Twelve years is a long time to keep
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  Speaker 1: a lie. It is. That really does some damage, doesn't it.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: It's really hard. And I can relate because I had
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: an ex partner who had a very bad porn addiction.
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  Speaker 1: It's so common these days, is yeah, it is.
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  Speaker 2: It's hard to rebuild that trust because it's not just
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: about the porn. It's about the liars. Like it's a
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  Speaker 2: multi layered problem. Because it's one thing to be like, oh,
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: like I feel shameful about watching porn, and I know
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: this is a problem, but like I don't know how
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  Speaker 2: to stop. That's one problem, But then lying about it
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: consistently for twelve years, Like, it's a long time to
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: be doing that.
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  Speaker 1: It's really long time. And then if you're saying it's
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: three or four times a week instantly, now I'm like,
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: but is it or is it seven times a week?
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: Is it multiple times a day because you've lied to
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: move twelve years. How do I actually even trust what
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: you say now? Yes, and without trust, I think trust
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: can be rebuilt for sure. And it's really awesome he's
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: gone to get help because I'm guessing he obviously has
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: an addiction now, which I've heard that's quite common for
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: people that watch porn regularly, So that's really amazing. But
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: I think at the end of the day, maybe you
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: need to give it some time to see if you
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: can rebuild that trust. And he can give you evidence
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: that he's not. But also only you know in your intuition,
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: your heart whether you can trust this man again.
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: I think something that's important for you is getting clear
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: on what it is that you want moving forward. Obviously
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: you want no porn, but what is it that you
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: might need from him in order for you to rebuild
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: that trust, like access to his phone or something or no,
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: not necessarily that, but just like open communication about the
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: desire to watch porn comes up, so it's like, hey,
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: this is it doesn't have to be a shameful thing.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: Is it open communication?
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I wonder if it's even two I don't know, but
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: is it things in porn he doesn't have in his
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: sex life, like zizz that he's shameful about interesting that
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: they could bring into the relationship that he's wanting to
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: experience but only can get through porn because he doesn't
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: think you're interested.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so like ask your ways, well, what needs if
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: his aren't getting meant if he fels he needs to
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: go to porn, Yeah, seeing if that's something you can
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  Speaker 2: bring into the relationship, if.
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  Speaker 1: That's something you want to explore. If you're staying with
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: this man, I think it's important that you explore everything well,
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: and this is a team. Yeah, if you're not willing
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: to work on that as a team and want to
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: forgive him, then it's I think that's your your answer.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: And then also I think as well, it comes down to, yes,
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  Speaker 2: you've been together for twelve years, but how else is
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: this impacting the relationship? Like is it just the porn?
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: Is it the lying as well? Or is there deeper problems?
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  Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean?
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  Speaker 2: Like? Does it impact your intimacy? Is he not as
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: close with you? Do you not have sex as much? Like?
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  Speaker 2: Because that was my reality. So when I had an
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: ex who was addicted to porn, he was watching it
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  Speaker 2: like three times a day, and that was, you know,
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: the way that he kind of coped, and that impacted
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: our relationship because when he would go and watch porn,
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: he wouldn't be as interested in me, yeah, because he
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: was like, well, I've already like sorted myself out, so
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  Speaker 2: now I'm not as inclined that way, and so then
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: I would kind of feel physically detached.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: From not chosen.
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I could feel like he was a little bit
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  Speaker 2: disinterested in me because it was like, I'm good there.
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  Speaker 2: So normally where he would be intimate and close and
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: touchy and lovey and like want to pull me in
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  Speaker 2: and all those things, it's like I missed out on
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: all those things because he was going to porn first. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: you know, so I think context is important in that situation.
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  Speaker 2: So it's just exploring all of the options, like where
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: are you at in the relationship? Are you like, oh
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: my god, this is the first time he's ever done
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  Speaker 2: something like this and this is the first big hurdle
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  Speaker 2: we've had, true?
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  Speaker 1: Or is this like this is.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: A reoccurring common occurrence where like I feel constantly disappointed
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: by his behavior and he's lying and things that he
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: does like this because.
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  Speaker 1: It's a really good point to bring up too, because
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: intimacy is so important. So if it is affecting your
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: sex life, your connection, your intimately, your desires, your pleasure,
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: if it's impacting that a lot, that's a whole different story.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: Where is if you're getting all of those needs met
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: and everything else is really good the first time something
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  Speaker 1: like this has come up, but everything else is really good,
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  Speaker 1: then I feel like I would be more inclined to
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: want to work on it and rebuild the trust.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and then's so amazing everyone else Yes, And then
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: work at it as a team and go okay, cool, Like,
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: what I'm going to need from you is this? And
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: then you can request what it is that you want
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: and go hey, like, are you willing to work with
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  Speaker 2: me as a team to repair what has been broken?
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  Speaker 2: Because this has damaged our relationship. Now you've damaged the
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: foundation of our trust. So what are we going to
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: do together as a team to repair this? Yeah?
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: And a lot of reassurance too, like what do you
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: need from him?
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: That's a good question, and constant check ins Like That's
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: what I had to get clear on, was like what
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: it was it that I was needing from him in exchange,
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: and then without the constant check ins, you're kind of
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: just left wondering is he watching it? What about today
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: when he's really stressed, when he's had a lot going
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: on at work, Like is he going.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: To lean towards that? Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: You know, so having constant set check ins if you
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: are going to repair exactly that every month, We're going, hey,
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: how did you do this once?
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: How are you feeling? Like? Did you have the urge?
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  Speaker 2: And just create a safe space for him to talk
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: about it because it's obviously such a shameful topic and
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: I feel like men a lot get judged and shamed
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  Speaker 2: for one to watch porn where they're naturally more inclined
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: to be more physical and visual humans. Yeah, if you
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: can come at it within the soft way, And I
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: know that's hard because trust is broken. There's so many
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: components to this it is.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: I like the check ins too because Steve and I.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: If you haven't listened to the episodes with Steve, he
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: spoke about his journey with alcohol and how much it
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: impacted our relationship, how it nearly broke down our marriage.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: The check ins were super important when he was still drinking.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: He doesn't drink anymore. But when it first started to
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: break down and cause a lot of problems and we
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: saw a relationship coach. That's what he advised too, was
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: the check ins and the over communication and the boundaries
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: of like how many drinks is Steve having. I wanted
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: him to pre tell me when he was going to
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: go drinks. So it wasn't like on a random Friday afternoon, Oh,
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: won't be home till later, I'm gonna go have some
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: beers with the boys. It was like at start of
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: the week, Hey, someone's asked me to go have a
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: couple of drinks on Friday. I'm going to go to
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: this pub. We're gonna have a couple of drinks. I'll
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: make sure i'll be home by seven o'clock. Is that
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: all good with you? If you got targed, is that okay?
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: And if I was pre planned and I can buite
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: a girl friend over, I could like whish, distract myself
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: and then I know he's coming home. When he comes
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: home with that time, it rebuilds the trust for me
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: that he's going to be a man of his word totally.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: And when he's still in a good day, he's not drunk.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: I'm like Okay, I can trust this man again. Yes,
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: So there was good evidence, There was good evidence, and
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: it was progress forward. But if I ever felt like
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: it was going backwards or he wasn't honoring what he
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: said he was going to do, would have been a
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: completely different story. Absolutely.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: And you know things like this, if you are going
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: to forgive and you want to work on it, and
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: you have to commit to that decision, yes, because I
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: promise you you wire going to question whether he's doing
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: it behind your back again.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: You're going to question it.
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: So you have to be okay that if you choose
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: to go this way, just know it's going to come
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: up for you a lot, questioning whether he's doing it,
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: whether he's looking at it, whether he's leaning towards it,
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: whether he's lying to you again, Like, all of that
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: stuff is going to come up. So if you're going
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: to commit to it, commit.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: To it for you as well. What happens if he
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: does do it again? What does that mean for you?
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Is there room for slip ups and mistakes or is
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: it a boundary of Like I've been with you for
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: twelve years, You've lied to me for twelve years. I'm
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: so hurt. I'm choosing to forgive you and work through
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: this with you. Your part is to be honest with
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: me and to honor your word, and if you can't,
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: it's not like threatening the relationship, but it's just putting
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: a boundary in place of this is behavior that I'm
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: not going to tolerate have you lie to me again.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to have you watch the porm when
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: it damages that intimacy. Yes, yes, it's being really clear
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: on that.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: And you know, something that you just said just triggered
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: something for me was that in my dynamic with this partner,
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: I had come to him and then said this isn't
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: non negotiable for me, Yeah, I will leave and he goes.
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: I didn't know that up until now, and so many
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: times where he had mentioned little bits and pieces before then,
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: I didn't know how intense it was, and I didn't
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: know how deep he was in it, and so I
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: didn't really think anything of because I was like all
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: little bits and pieces here and there, and I told
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: him audibly like I don't like this. Yeah, you know,
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: this isn't good. This isn't good, like healthy for our
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: connection of a relationship, intimacy, all those things. But I
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: never said the words this isn't non negotiable.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: H big difference, isn't it?
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: And then when I said that, he was like, oh yeah, shit, okay,
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: like I'm going to pull my head in.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: It got to that point with Steve drinking too. I
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: was like, actually, I've really tried to make this fit
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: in our relationship, which isn't fit anymore.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: He's like, yeah, you're right, doesn't fit for me either.
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: Both got to come to that point.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: And I like what you just said because it sparked
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: that reminder of like, be honest about it. I almost
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: said a boundary of like, hey, this is either a
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: yes or a no for me. Yeah, like are you
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: willing to meet me in the middle?
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: And if you're not, that's okay, I say you're free,
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: yet it's not for me. Yeah, it's cool when you
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: get to that point, you're really ground in that decision.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: I think your man will respect you for being grounded
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: in that and it'll show where he's at too. Yeah.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, lots to move through, especially the betrayal of twelve
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: years blind. I can see why you would feel blindsided
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: in that.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: And I know he's getting help, but I highly recommend
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: going to see someone together. It is so beautiful. Just
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: book in twelve weeks where you go once a week,
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: once a fortnight, once a month. Even we just go in,
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: you check in. You have that third person to offer
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: different perspectives and just to hear each other. And he
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: might feel safer to express something with a third person
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: there shame or guilt over his desires or anything like.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: So much will come up on that and be really
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: beautiful for your growth as a relationship moving forward.
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, something as well, you guys have done is
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: that like, oh, nothing is wrong, which is we're going Yeah,
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: you know, it's like the preventative stuff. Yes, just to
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: make sure that you're doing your check in so that
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: nothing can no cracks pop up for no reasons.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: So nice, so important.
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: Cool.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: All right, guys, thank you for joining us. We really
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: hope that that helps, and we'd love an update on
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: how you're feeling and conversations you've had, anything like that,
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: and if you're going through something similar, bring it in.
• 10:18
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• 10:21
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• 10:24
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• 10:25
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• 10:28
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• 10:30
  Speaker 1: Facebook and we'll prop you in there. Alrighty, thanks guys. Bye,