Latest / The Psychology of Relationships / Single on Purpose: How to Stop Waiting for a Relationship to Start Your Life w/ John Kim

Transcript

Single on Purpose: How to Stop Waiting for a Relationship to Start Your Life w/ John Kim · The Psychology of Relationships

0:00
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm Julie Craftscheck, and I'm UASU.
0:03
[SPEAKER_02]: This is the Psychology of Relationships.
0:07
[SPEAKER_02]: Being single isn't just a waiting room until you find someone, but are you truly embracing your life as it is, or are you hoping a relationship will solve what feels missing?
0:19
[SPEAKER_02]: In this episode, we're joined by John Kim, licensed therapist, bestselling author of Single on Purpose,
0:25
[SPEAKER_02]: And founder of the Angry Therapist Movement, known for his honest and unconventional approach to personal growth, John shares how his own divorce became a turning point that forced him to rebuild his relationship with himself.
0:40
[SPEAKER_02]: Together we explore how to create a fulfilling life beyond romantic partnership, why we often stop working on ourselves once we enter relationships.
0:48
[SPEAKER_02]: What it means to master date, and why cultivating confidence and self-connection is essential, whether you're single or partner, because a goal isn't just finding someone.
1:00
[SPEAKER_02]: It's becoming someone you genuinely enjoy being with.
1:04
[SPEAKER_02]: Remember to subscribe to the psychology of relationships on apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen, and if this episode shifted how you think about being single and self-growth, we love a rating or review.
1:16
[SPEAKER_02]: This is the psychology of relationships and you're listening to an episode that just might change the way you show up for love.
1:23
[SPEAKER_02]: Enjoy!
1:25
[SPEAKER_02]: When we think about a therapist, sometimes we equate that to someone who is very calm and soothing and listens and is compassionate and I love that our guest for this episode is branded himself as the angry therapist.
1:40
[SPEAKER_02]: His name is John Kim.
1:42
[SPEAKER_02]: So let's start with what does it mean to brand yourself as a therapist who went rogue?
1:47
[SPEAKER_02]: What happened after divorce?
1:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, man.
1:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, let me just first say that you guys are so pro.
1:53
[SPEAKER_00]: This is amazing.
1:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Like this platform.
1:57
[SPEAKER_00]: I just, um, I mean, like Arrowhead.
2:00
[SPEAKER_00]: I literally five minutes ago got off my motorcycle sat down.
2:03
[SPEAKER_00]: I had an unbuttoned my pants because I'm 48.
2:05
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm bloated.
2:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and there's, it's like, like,
2:08
[SPEAKER_00]: My podcast is literally just like almost talking to my phone and a garage, and so this feels very I'm not wearing pants.
2:16
[SPEAKER_02]: No pants.
2:17
[SPEAKER_02]: There you go.
2:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not wearing pants.
2:20
[SPEAKER_01]: We just have the facade that we're professional.
2:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's your birthday today, right?
2:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Chad?
2:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Is it real?
2:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Tomorrow.
2:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Tomorrow be early birthday.
2:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
2:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so I went rogue, meaning I tried to tuck my shirt in.
2:34
[SPEAKER_00]: I worked in high-end treatment centers.
2:37
[SPEAKER_00]: My dream was to pick up a therapist with the non-descript office and a lot of take my hand and those silver balls and all that.
2:44
[SPEAKER_00]: It wasn't honest to me.
2:45
[SPEAKER_00]: I felt like a cart can't pushing a mail cart, you know?
2:48
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, like tumblr blog, I started to help people in kind of unconventional ways.
2:52
[SPEAKER_00]: I met them at the park.
2:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I did a lot of things you weren't supposed to do.
2:55
[SPEAKER_00]: So, I did not sleep with my clients,
2:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And I met them at the park, met them at the gym, like on walks, you know, stuff like that.
3:03
[SPEAKER_00]: And I realized that as I was doing that, that felt more honest and feel more real.
3:07
[SPEAKER_00]: And I just followed that and that's, that's what I mean by going rogue, right?
3:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I've never had an office.
3:13
[SPEAKER_00]: So I call myself a coach because with coaching, there's no board.
3:16
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I start to, to work in ways that were kind of very jeans t-shirt, just roll up at the coffee shop on my Harley.
3:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I thought if we're going to talk about life, let's do life while we're talking.
3:25
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's what I've been doing in the last years.
3:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And first of all, I just want to point out, I just loved your book so much, like it was such a great ring.
3:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I feel like got so much out of it.
3:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And we're really excited about this topic in general, like, you know, single on purpose.
3:39
[SPEAKER_01]: We talk about this all the time.
3:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think you and I will first start at this podcast.
3:44
[SPEAKER_01]: We were all like every episode is going to be about deeds.
3:47
[SPEAKER_01]: two people in a relationship and now we've totally changed our tune and we have had a lot of times where people are like, no, I'm doing, you know, the self-love.
3:55
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm doing the self-care.
3:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm dating myself.
3:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'd love to just kind of go back to your divorce and like tell us like, where you were at that stage and then kind of like, how did you come out of that and get to this place that you're like, I need to be single on purpose.
4:10
[SPEAKER_00]: yeah so it was um you know it wasn't a weekend it took a long time um the divorce kind of kind of cut me at the knees I was a uh uh just brand new into grad school becoming a therapist um so I left you know uh just with nothing no money I left with my pillow and I tell people it was a temporary pillow but she got the bed and uh
4:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I had to start all over, you know, and went through a stretch of like four years of quote on quote being single on purpose.
4:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it doesn't mean to be single forever, right?
4:43
[SPEAKER_00]: It means to start building a relationship with yourself.
4:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Instead of trying to get into something as fast as you can, right?
4:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Most people in their single, they are desperately swiping and trying to find love again.
4:54
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think when you're single, like the soil is the richest.
4:57
[SPEAKER_00]: because you will find someone and when you do, it's so much harder to, you know, work on yourself because now you're doing life with someone else.
5:04
[SPEAKER_02]: How long were you married for?
5:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Uh, well, five years, uh, got married at 29 and about 35 is when I started my, my rebirth.
5:11
[SPEAKER_02]: Got it.
5:11
[SPEAKER_02]: And then with with the divorce, I'm guessing that's part of the rebirth, but live people get divorced and they don't go through a rebirth or think about what it's like to be single on purpose.
5:21
[SPEAKER_02]: So was there anything else that instigated this rebirth?
5:25
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I think it was a me going back to grad school changing careers because I was a struggling screenwriter in LA for a long time.
5:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it was a combination of that expiring me wanting to become a therapist, getting a divorce, like my whole life at just sketch was shaken, you know.
5:42
[SPEAKER_00]: So it was like just kind of starting all over for me.
5:45
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what it was.
5:45
[SPEAKER_00]: It was just a having a brand new life.
5:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And like you were saying a lot of people will just like dive into that next relationship instead of taking that time.
5:54
[SPEAKER_01]: What kind of making what kind of made you take a second beat and not just jump into a relationship?
6:00
[SPEAKER_00]: No one wanted to be with me.
6:01
[SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to jump into another really good.
6:04
[SPEAKER_01]: That's how you're receiving a lot of perfect.
6:09
[SPEAKER_00]: The book should be called single, uh, not by choice, uh, and then you became on purpose over the average.
6:18
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what, I went out and I started to date people, um, you know, and I, I did that.
6:23
[SPEAKER_00]: And I actually was looking for a relationship.
6:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Luckily, I didn't get into one and I got really busy into, uh, connecting with myself.
6:30
[SPEAKER_00]: So at that time, uh, I found CrossFit, so that was a big part of connecting to my
6:38
[SPEAKER_00]: just movement all of that.
6:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I bought a more cycle and that connected me to you know that part of me the 14 year old in the 80s putting around on the 50cc scooter and feeling like alive you know and then when I got I became an adult promise my wife at the time I went by more cycle had the old school Korean parents who said they would disill me if I bought a more cycle.
7:01
[SPEAKER_00]: So me buying a more cycle was kind of me connecting back to my parents in Bollock
7:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, some ballic.
7:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I've got some tattoos like, you know, I went on my, you know, someone argued that it was a midlife crisis, you know, this is when you go on by the Corvette on that.
7:16
[SPEAKER_00]: But for me, it wasn't that it was, it wasn't me running away from myself.
7:20
[SPEAKER_00]: It was more me running toward for the first time in my life.
7:23
[SPEAKER_02]: That's, it's so interesting because my boyfriend's the same thing.
7:26
[SPEAKER_02]: He, he got a divorce and he got a sleeve of tattoos and he went on a two-month trip to Europe.
7:32
[SPEAKER_02]: Because it wasn't so much, a lot of people said you're having a mid-life crisis.
7:37
[SPEAKER_02]: He said, no, I'm just redefining and refining my identity because I had lost it during the marriage.
7:44
[SPEAKER_02]: So it's a great way, who cares what the stereotypes, right?
7:48
[SPEAKER_02]: Like everybody has their own way of doing this rebirth phase.
7:52
[SPEAKER_01]: interesting though.
7:54
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like recently on a date with someone that was like coming right out of, you know, an engagement that didn't work out.
7:59
[SPEAKER_01]: And they definitely were in that phase that they were just trying to fill the void and find someone new.
8:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And I actually reached out to them after it.
8:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, I think you need a date yourself for a little, like I said that to them.
8:10
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, I don't know if this is solicited advice or not, but this is like feedback.
8:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And what I guess
8:16
[SPEAKER_01]: For you, like, was that click, though, like, I get, like, people not wanting to date you, but like, when did you take that step back and you're like, okay, this isn't working to keep going on dates that aren't working, I need to, you know, find myself more.
8:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I kind of got curious about who I was and what I would bring to the table, my next relationship.
8:35
[SPEAKER_00]: and I told myself if I can't answer those questions, then I need to be alone because it's the answers to those questions that's going to make your love experience different, you know, you're 50% of any relationships.
8:48
[SPEAKER_00]: So if I just start swiping right at that time, there weren't maybe Craigslist or anything like that.
8:55
[SPEAKER_02]: RIP Craigslist.
8:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
8:57
[SPEAKER_00]: If I just got into something really fast, I knew that there would be a high chance that the unhealthy patterns would just repeat it to all of you know, and so I actually set to myself, okay, I have a chance to get myself a new love experience and I know that what I can do is, you know, change my patterns and my definitions and who I am from the inside out, so when I do find someone that I want to invest in, I want to be a different John Cam.
9:24
[SPEAKER_02]: What I really want to get to is we want to follow you on this journey of transformation.
9:29
[SPEAKER_02]: So when you made this conscious decision to be single on purpose, what was step number one?
9:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh man, I don't know if there was a defining step, I think maybe the first step was acceptance, you know, I think a lot of people after the exploration, I started calling my, and I still do today breakups, explorations, there's more acceptance in that and also breakups sound so traumatic, right, like the playing down something's broken.
9:55
[SPEAKER_00]: And so when I see a relationship or a marriage as an expiration, I feel like, oh, it wasn't meant to go any further.
10:02
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think the first step is acceptance, you know, instead of trying to do around two around three, or desperately try to, you know, find someone else or lose yourself in someone else, accepting this is where I'm at, you know, this is who I am and like starting with truth.
10:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Now let's go from here.
10:19
[SPEAKER_01]: So one of the things that actually comes up in our listener community a lot is we have what we call a master date, which is basically like dating yourself.
10:28
[SPEAKER_00]: You're right, very nice.
10:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
10:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And one of the things that comes up a lot though is going on actual dates on your own, you know, and being in your own.
10:37
[SPEAKER_01]: company.
10:38
[SPEAKER_01]: But I feel like you kind of took it like a step deeper and that actually was what I thought about when I was reading the book was that you talk about, you know, you're loving your body, like, you know, like empowering your brain, like really feeling what you need to feel and not just, you know, going to dinner by yourself, but really like getting into your emotions.
10:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Can you kind of like elaborate a little more on that process?
11:02
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I've been a logical creature most of my life and so I wanted to know what it felt like to actually drop into my body, you know, I didn't allow myself to feel.
11:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I never, and I don't know how much of this has been created and just not having a lot of emotional milk growing up, but I was 35 and I was like, I need to actually drop into my body and start to feel things, you know, and so I spent a lot of time by myself in coffee shops writing.
11:31
[SPEAKER_00]: I talk a lot about liking yourself, which is more I think more important than loving yourself.
11:36
[SPEAKER_00]: And I say that because self love is growing around a lot and I think that we love people that we don't really like, like family members and stuff, right?
11:45
[SPEAKER_00]: We choose to love someone.
11:47
[SPEAKER_00]: And, um, liking is earned.
11:50
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I could say I love myself, but to me that's kind of surfacy where I thought was deeper was, do I like myself?
11:57
[SPEAKER_00]: And if I don't like myself, um, what do I need to do to get beyond the path of liking myself?
12:02
[SPEAKER_00]: So that required a lot of time.
12:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Because when you, like, how do you like someone?
12:06
[SPEAKER_00]: You got a friend to get to another person, right?
12:07
[SPEAKER_00]: So I was like, all right, well, I need to get to know me.
12:09
[SPEAKER_00]: And so in order to get to know me, I spent a lot of time with me.
12:13
[SPEAKER_00]: just things like going to the beach, running, reading, writing, you know, lots of things up that brought solidity.
12:20
[SPEAKER_02]: That's really resonates with me because Julie knows too.
12:23
[SPEAKER_02]: I've had this last couple years.
12:25
[SPEAKER_02]: I've just come to this realization that I'm just not connected to my emotions.
12:29
[SPEAKER_02]: I think it's part of my vision upbringing.
12:31
[SPEAKER_02]: I think our culture is very good at regurgitating.
12:35
[SPEAKER_02]: So all of the Instagram posts about self-care, self-love, I can regurgitate that shit.
12:41
[SPEAKER_02]: 24, 7.
12:42
[SPEAKER_02]: But do I truly connect to those words?
12:44
[SPEAKER_02]: I realized in the last few years I didn't.
12:46
[SPEAKER_02]: So I had to take myself on this journey for me.
12:48
[SPEAKER_02]: It was more drugs that helped me get there.
12:51
[SPEAKER_02]: But for you, it sounds like it's being alone and doing these activities on your own and writing.
12:58
[SPEAKER_02]: Were there any other sort of skills or tools that you were using during this time?
13:04
[SPEAKER_02]: When you say drop into your body, what does that
13:09
[SPEAKER_00]: To take a breath instead of thinking logically, which is kind of surfacy, asking yourself how does this make you feel?
13:17
[SPEAKER_00]: You're writing a blog post or you're hanging out with someone around a date or anything.
13:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, what is your body telling you?
13:23
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I never asked myself those questions before.
13:26
[SPEAKER_00]: So that was all like new, you know?
13:28
[SPEAKER_00]: And it also wasn't easy, right?
13:30
[SPEAKER_00]: It was because it requires rewiring, it requires kind of swimming up river, reconditioning yourself.
13:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I thought the stuff you were talking about with just loving your body really resonated with me because I think a lot of times, especially if we're in a bad place, will either overeat or under-eat or not exercise or exercise too much, it's usually like that stuff actually is a deeper rooted thing going on for you.
13:56
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I think it starts with the choice of loving your body, but I think that's a journey, you know, and some days it's hard to love your body, some days it's easier.
14:05
[SPEAKER_00]: I started with, because I found CrossFit was new at the time, and I started with classes, community trying to find flow states that reminded me of the 80s when I was spinning on my head and break dancing.
14:18
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, it was this idea of reuniting with a part of myself that I had walked away.
14:24
[SPEAKER_00]: So it wasn't about abs and trying to, I mean, of course, you know, I mean, who doesn't want to look better naked again, but the true motivation and the reason I went all the time was because I was connecting to that, that, that, that 12-year-old.
14:37
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like the happiest, and so CrossFit was kind of my way of tapping into that kid again.
14:44
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, there was a,
14:45
[SPEAKER_00]: I tell people that sometimes self-betterment is more about over-union than anything else, and that was what dating myself looked like.
14:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Is connecting back to that that the younger years, the wonder years, you know.
14:57
[SPEAKER_02]: I want to really emphasize that, too, because I think when you develop these interests and hobbies, when you are alone, then you're able to carry them into the next relationship, and yeah.
15:07
[SPEAKER_02]: you take that identity with you versus trying to more yourself into someone else's identity.
15:13
[SPEAKER_02]: And it's great to have these hobbies, but also knowing that you can reconnect with your child herself when these moments turn on, when you go to CrossFit, you're like, yes, I'm connecting again to myself.
15:25
[SPEAKER_02]: And this is about nothing else, but me.
15:27
[SPEAKER_02]: I think we forget to give ourselves that chance to do that.
15:30
[SPEAKER_00]: yeah and i think you know you know when you ask me what what is it what does that even mean to drop into your body like how do you even do that so as kids we are very in our bodies you know we're we're not in our heads a lot we're very present right we're not thinking about taxes and if someone's gonna call you back and you know the corner of this
15:46
[SPEAKER_00]: we're eating ants and we want to know what things feel like.
15:48
[SPEAKER_00]: So we're very mindful, we're very experiential.
15:52
[SPEAKER_00]: And so if you are pulling from that part of you, then by default, you are dropping into your body.
15:58
[SPEAKER_00]: So when I was crossfitting and I was doing handstand pushups and other genetic movements, I was connecting to my body because the 12 year old that was spinning on his head was very present.
16:09
[SPEAKER_00]: So I was very present in the activities of those workouts.
16:14
[SPEAKER_00]: And I thought, okay, this is what it feels like, at least for me, this is what it looks like to drop into my body.
16:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
16:19
[SPEAKER_00]: For other people, it might be meditation, it might be yoga.
16:22
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, it depends on what your definition is.
16:25
[SPEAKER_00]: But for me, it was like, I was the most mindful and present when I was a kid.
16:29
[SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't in my head and, you know, living in time machines.
16:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so let's tap into that part of you.
16:35
[SPEAKER_00]: What would that look like, you know?
16:37
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that's what I started to do as an adult, be a kid again.
16:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I mean, I think the body part is so many layers to it because I totally like love what you just said with that, but I think there is also a confidence that when you feel good about your body and that doesn't need to mean that you lost a lot of weight like we had a pass guess that said that she just looks at like, you know, her scars or her dimples and like any.
17:00
[SPEAKER_01]: perceive flaw in like finds love in it but it starts to bring that acceptance and you know confidence essentially that let's be honest a lot of times after a breakup you lose a lot of confidence because you're feeling like you know unworthy and down and what other ways can people like start to accept their bodies more and like how do you think that plays into like you know eventually day that you can't be in a relationship.
17:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's funny when you said confidence, I thought, acceptance, connection, and confidence, like I think they kind of, you know, roll, evolve into that process.
17:33
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's different for everyone, you know, I think it depends on your previous experience with food, with body image, you know, I definitely, I think that when it comes to stuff like that, women have a ten-time starter, just because of the world we live in, you know, I used to work in, eating the sort of clinics, and
17:50
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a whole, another, another thing, you know, and advertising.
17:55
[SPEAKER_00]: And all of that, you know, the societies, injection of the ticking clock and what beauty looks like.
18:00
[SPEAKER_00]: So the word that comes to my mind is redefining, redefining what sexy looks like, feels like redefining what attractive looks like, redefining, you know, what fitness looks like, what all of that stuff.
18:13
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think when you're single, it's all about redefining, you know, instead of tracing old blueprints coming up with new definitions.
18:19
[SPEAKER_02]: And part of that redefinition, and I just want to clarify this, you don't believe that redefining your your single journey is about being alone, you should still seek out friends and a support system, so maybe we can talk about that that, you know, let's just get rid of the myth that this single on purpose doesn't you that you're alone.
18:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, no, no, no, it's just me that you're alone.
18:40
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it means the actual opposite.
18:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I tell my clients out of your head out of your house.
18:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And you're not meant to do this alone.
18:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I think what, I think doing it alone, because there's solitude when you want to be alone, but there's also like isolation.
18:53
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think isolation can be the most dangerous thing to do, right?
18:56
[SPEAKER_00]: So...
18:57
[SPEAKER_00]: surrounding yourself with community and especially now fitness communities, yoga communities, whatever you're passionate about music class, salsa dancing, anything that has something that you like that you're passionate about that also has a plug-in play community because we used to have this as kids, right, in our structure of recess and all that and then when we grow up all that's gone and it's really hard to make rents as adults.
19:18
[SPEAKER_00]: So killing two birds by taking classes or any kind
19:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, doing life with other people, being of service, you know, helping other people because then it's not about you and you're not in the trenches dwelling on your problems and what's wrong with you and why you can't find someone when you are actually sharing your gifts and being of service and helping other people, you're living more through me life instead of a to me life or any kind of victim mode.
19:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I thought it was really interesting to that you were like as a single person the first thing you should be focused in on is finding friends not a new partner.
19:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
19:56
[SPEAKER_01]: If you kind of elaborate more, I'd why you think that's the case.
19:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, a lot of times we'll find a new partner and then we won't want to make any friends.
20:04
[SPEAKER_00]: We end up being like, um, um, I think I mentioned Tom Hanks talking to the volleyball.
20:08
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, we end up being alone, even though we're with someone, we end up kind of being alone because we're not bringing a whole wife to the table, uh, our partner becomes our life.
20:18
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is when there's a lot of losing yourself, you know, in the other person.
20:22
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that because of society and romantic harmonies and romance novels and stuff, we think that's what love looks like, as you find your one, and then you don't need anyone else.
20:33
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just you and a person, and I think it makes the relationship lopsided.
20:37
[SPEAKER_01]: I thought you had an interesting anecdote about a surprise party that you had when it was with your wife at the time and you realized that like all the people around were friends not your friends.
20:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, man.
20:51
[SPEAKER_00]: That was um.
20:52
[SPEAKER_00]: it was weird because it was the first time someone threw me surprise party and it was actually about my birthday, it was a small apartment to look like I opened the door and there were like 30 people crammed in like star deans which made me feel like I was loved and then as I was looking in the show I was like oh it's her friend that's her friend that's her friend and I had this revelation but in the night like oh none of those people are my friends they're here because they're supporting her and her husband and just it friendly with me but they weren't like my friend
21:22
[SPEAKER_00]: if that makes sense.
21:23
[SPEAKER_00]: And I actually ended up that night feeling very lonely, you know, realizing I need to make some friends.
21:28
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I think that's a worse feeling to have to be surrounded by people but still feeling lonely.
21:32
[SPEAKER_02]: And I do think a lot of people listening to this episode have had that feeling and they would probably also ask you, John, how do I combat that loneliness?
21:41
[SPEAKER_02]: How do I get around this idea that I'm lonely right now?
21:45
[SPEAKER_02]: So I need things to distract me versus
21:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think, you know, I think when it comes to like personal development, it's not like a weekend seminar, it's more like designing a life a certain way, right, because you have to thread it into your life for it to be sustainable.
22:04
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I'm just like working out or a healthy diet and so.
22:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's designing a life where you are engaging with people and in some friends come some friends go, but you're actively establishing new relationships, I mean forever, you know, even when you find you find a fall into another relationship.
22:22
[SPEAKER_01]: What is that line though about, you know, staying open to like a partner?
22:28
[SPEAKER_01]: How do you like balance the two?
22:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Like what are your, what's your
22:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I think you set the intention that you are ready for a partnership and you want to build something amazing and different in the last time, but I don't think that you want it so bad that it becomes lined with desperation and that becomes kind of your north star.
22:48
[SPEAKER_00]: I think finding someone is the byproduct of you going out and building an amazing life.
22:53
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I always say,
22:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Where are you going and then who's going with you because if you flip the order you'll be going you'll be going by yourself So half of my life.
23:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I had the order reverse half of my life.
23:04
[SPEAKER_00]: It was like who's coming with me and then I'll worry about where I'm going, right?
23:09
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it's desperately trying to find my partner by cleaning my whoever that was and that was the goal And then you know, you know, and then it was like all right, and then and then where am I going right after my my divorce and rebirth now?
23:20
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like where am I going?
23:22
[SPEAKER_00]: So I know where I'm going or at least I know the direction that I want to go and then it's who's going with that one that one that one involves a ride that one involves You having a sense of purpose that one involves also it's more attractive when you fight so I go eat something absolutely yeah more independence
23:40
[SPEAKER_01]: it allows you to pick better too because you're not coming from a place of desperation that you need to fill your Friday night right like you're like oh I'm totally fine piggy out in my own company on a Friday night if need be or with my friends like in then you have like a little higher standards because of that.
23:58
[SPEAKER_01]: But I guess like the I love this like where am I going, who's coming with me, but like the only thing I would challenge with that is like how does that go from like an eye statement to a wee statement considering like a partnership is a partnership at the end of the day.
24:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, absolutely.
24:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's why it's important to start asking yourself that before you are partnered because you're right when you when you find someone.
24:20
[SPEAKER_00]: there is compromise and people change and also your partners decisions are going to affect yours and you know you might be kind of sidetracked or whatever it's all part of it but there's a difference between compromise and compromise of self right so every relationship requires compromise no matter what but not compromising of self right and so if you're going into a relationship you know I'll do anything for this person
24:42
[SPEAKER_00]: and not having much of a life, there's a higher chance you're going to compromise yourself.
24:45
[SPEAKER_00]: If you go into a relationship, having a pretty good foundation, having structure, having hobbies, having things, having friends, and having true North, then there's going to be a lot less compromise.
24:57
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, there's going to be a lot less compromise of self.
24:59
[SPEAKER_00]: There will be compromise, of course, but not in my mind.
25:01
[SPEAKER_02]: There's always going to be compromise.
25:02
[SPEAKER_02]: And I want to relate this back to your personal journey because you went on this four-year single-on-purpose journey.
25:08
[SPEAKER_02]: How did you transition out of it?
25:10
[SPEAKER_02]: And I guess another question is, how do you know when you're ready to transition out of it?
25:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think you ever know.
25:15
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I don't think it's like you wake up and it's like a light switch or, you know, someone throw a show party, you're officially ready to know.
25:23
[SPEAKER_00]: That would be amazing, you know?
25:26
[SPEAKER_01]: You're ready?
25:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I thought, I think it would be amazing if humans actually kind of change colors.
25:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, like, spurfs were, or not that smart.
25:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, like, where it's like, as you do more work on yourself, you actually live in a change of color.
25:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we're totally available, yeah.
25:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and maybe that color is like, orange or something, I don't know, red.
25:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And then when you see people that are like blue, you know, they've done no work on themselves.
25:50
[SPEAKER_00]: And what that would do is that we get all the blue people to be like I don't want to be blue anymore Because no one wants to be with me so I'm gonna start work.
25:56
[SPEAKER_02]: It'll force people and suddenly like they'll be more and more orange people and the world Yeah, okay, and then we'll be racist against all the blue people How do we do this?
26:07
[SPEAKER_01]: How do we make this happen?
26:08
[SPEAKER_01]: This would make dating so much easier if we do their color Color code.
26:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, based on yeah, how much work they've done that'd be amazing
26:17
[SPEAKER_02]: Um, I forgot what you asked me, but I just, uh, how you know, you, you were saying that you'd really don't know when you're ready to transition out, but I mean, your own experience.
26:25
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
26:25
[SPEAKER_02]: How were you able to transition out?
26:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, because I found love because what happens is, uh, one day you meet someone and you get excited or.
26:36
[SPEAKER_00]: and maybe it's a slow burn and sadly you guys are, you know, doing nothing together and going out to eat and now you're in a relationship and I think it just happens, you know?
26:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I don't think it's like, okay, I'm officially ready.
26:49
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think it's so strategized because that's not how life works.
26:54
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I also learned that, you know, you meet people when you least expect it, you know, almost when you're not even looking if it's like someone just kind of
27:00
[SPEAKER_00]: falls from the sky, you know, and so, especially with the internet, right?
27:03
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, I don't think it's like, okay, now I'm ready, you know, I'm just like, you know what, live your life, accept things radically, you know, and if you meet someone great, and if you don't continue to be you and work on you and pet all your bike, I mean, I don't think it's easy.
27:21
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I've been very lonely.
27:22
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I've had, you know, days of God, I'm not going to ever find someone.
27:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, you know, I've had those,
27:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Like everyone else, right?
27:29
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's the hardest part of being single.
27:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Is that having faith?
27:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
27:33
[SPEAKER_00]: But those are feelings they come and go.
27:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Just because you feel loneliness doesn't mean that you are, you know, lonely or defective.
27:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think the internalization of loneliness is where people start getting depressed and really, you know, fall in touch with the well.
27:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Totally.
27:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I think we feel like if we're single that it's a status we need to get out of because of society, right?
27:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Right?
27:53
[SPEAKER_01]: And we feel like we need to do work.
27:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Like if you, you know, you look for a job, you would never just sit idle and be like, I'm going to wait for the job to come to me, like you put out your resume, you go on LinkedIn, you do all the things.
28:05
[SPEAKER_01]: So people are just like frantically swiping, feeling like they're doing something, but then sometimes get in this endless loop
28:15
[SPEAKER_01]: self work like what's your like advice to those people that are feeling like I need to do something to move it forward and they're like I don't have that faith yet right now
28:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, you know, one thing I did is I told myself I'm not going to say no to anything social.
28:29
[SPEAKER_00]: So you do have to get out there.
28:31
[SPEAKER_00]: You can't just say, okay, I'm going to sit on the couch and cross my fingers.
28:37
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to be active.
28:38
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, you got to talk to people.
28:39
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to put it.
28:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And so when I say, set the intention, back it with action, put it out there.
28:44
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm an introvert at the end of the day.
28:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And I told myself, anything I get invited to anything, whether it's like something happening to community, I'm going
28:54
[SPEAKER_00]: a lot of the best experiences come from, you know, when you weren't expecting something to be fine.
28:59
[SPEAKER_00]: So a party, I get together.
29:01
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think it's kind of like your own treatment because it takes you out of your comfort zone.
29:04
[SPEAKER_00]: And again, you're living your life and you're doing things and not allowing singlehood to, you know, keep you in your bedroom, just, you know, watching Netflix and eating chips.
29:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And you talk about it.
29:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Great.
29:17
[SPEAKER_01]: That's the wrong with that.
29:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, you were talking about too in the book that there's like, celibacy, right?
29:25
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not always single equal celibacy.
29:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes just getting out there and having casual sex could actually like be exactly what you need.
29:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Like to build up your confidence, actually.
29:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I remember, I definitely went through that period.
29:39
[SPEAKER_01]: It did build up a confidence that now you can take on later what's your take of like, you know, when to know that that's helping you versus it also can hurt you too if you're just not in a good place.
29:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, absolutely.
29:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I think I think you have to be really honest with yourself, are you using those experiences to numb, to hide, to seek approval of validation, to feel loved, or, you know, valuable, or,
30:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you using those experiences in an empowering way because they're just new experiences that you want to do?
30:10
[SPEAKER_00]: The chapter I think you're talking about, which was kind of controversial.
30:13
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a chapter in my book called, now go fuck somebody.
30:16
[SPEAKER_00]: And the reason that's a little arrested,
30:20
[SPEAKER_00]: It's because I wanted to kind of combat slouching me, you know?
30:24
[SPEAKER_00]: There's nothing wrong with having sexual experiences if you're okay with it and that's what you want to do.
30:30
[SPEAKER_00]: And you shouldn't bash yourself or think that you are defective or dirty or whatever it is because, you know, because you're sexual being.
30:38
[SPEAKER_01]: So how do you know if it's coming from a place of validation versus empowerment?
30:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And this could go for not just sex, but like, you know, date and lustating and all this stuff.
30:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Like how can you make that distinction?
30:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think going back to how we started dropping into your body, asking yourself how that experience made you feel.
30:56
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, so after the person leaves sitting there for a second and saying, how did that feel?
31:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Did I like it?
31:02
[SPEAKER_00]: Was it empowering or did I do it for the wrong reasons?
31:05
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, just getting really honest with yourself.
31:08
[SPEAKER_00]: And you may not even know.
31:09
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think it's a practice where you're like, oh, you know what?
31:11
[SPEAKER_00]: I like that.
31:12
[SPEAKER_00]: That was different.
31:13
[SPEAKER_00]: That was new.
31:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not gonna do it again, but I did like that and that's cool.
31:17
[SPEAKER_00]: You could that could be that or it's like I didn't like that I don't like how I felt I don't like the residue I don't you know like how if you were right now and then that's information and instead of internalizing it saying okay That was learning.
31:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Mm-hmm.
31:29
[SPEAKER_02]: Are there any Mistakes or red flags that people should watch out for when they're in the stage when they're single single on purpose.
31:37
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah
31:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think dating apps can be dangerous, you know, we've become baseball cards.
31:43
[SPEAKER_00]: I remember there's a stretch of being single and I would like swipe on someone that looked like through Barrymore and then through Kerry which show up.
31:50
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a lot of false advertising.
31:53
[SPEAKER_00]: There's ghosting, there's, you know, dick pics, there's all these things that this connects us with ourselves, right?
32:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Lots of people hang in their phone.
32:02
[SPEAKER_00]: So, I mean, I think that it's a great tool, but you've got to use it with a small spoon, meaning you know when you go get ice cream and they give you the little red taste or spoon.
32:10
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, that's it.
32:11
[SPEAKER_02]: Just walk away.
32:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, no, I mean, I think you know, I think you, you swipe when you feel good about yourself and that you know that it's partly entertainment you could handle rejection I don't swipe when you're desperately looking for love and you're lonely because it's it's may make you feel bad about yourself, you know
32:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh a hundred percent.
32:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I definitely we've said this before in our podcast.
32:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Like if you're not in a good state of mind, modern dating can be brutal and the last thing you want to do is like, you know, dig yourself deeper.
32:44
[SPEAKER_01]: So you kind of need to have a thick skin a lot with dating apps and the only way to get there is to be like have the sense of self and feel confident.
32:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
32:53
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's funny because I think the less swipes or lights or whatever is that you get, the more desperate you become to chase after them because since you're not getting them, you're thinking that you are not lovable or attractive.
33:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And so now you're more hungry for them, which I think flips the magnets out, turns people away from you and now you're lined with desperation instead of just being attracted.
33:16
[SPEAKER_02]: I want to address this trend that we see all the time in our community and it's this term dating sabbatical.
33:21
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm taking a dating sabbatical, I believe it all the abs.
33:24
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm not seeing anyone and people do it for a week to six months at a time.
33:28
[SPEAKER_02]: That's basically the whole range.
33:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it reminds me of, it reminds me of yo-yo dieting.
33:34
[SPEAKER_02]: Mm-hmm, it's exactly that kind of thing.
33:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Going from nothing to like, I'm gonna intermittent fast, do keto, and only eat egg whites for three months.
33:43
[SPEAKER_00]: You're like, that's okay, good luck.
33:44
[SPEAKER_00]: And then the wheels fall off and they're like,
33:46
[SPEAKER_00]: So, um, I think you're setting yourself up for, um, like, why the, why the announcement, you know, like, why not just like, okay, if you, if you want to take a break, then just do less of it.
33:56
[SPEAKER_00]: It does not be so extreme.
33:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you're not that, you have to delete it because you're going to download that back anyway, two weeks from now.
34:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I agree.
34:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm always like, just pull back how much you're doing it.
34:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Do it on a Sunday night, not every day.
34:09
[SPEAKER_01]: I agree.
34:09
[SPEAKER_01]: The extreme piece.
34:11
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like so dramatic.
34:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, moderation, moderation, you know.
34:15
[SPEAKER_01]: So why do you think this period of single on purpose?
34:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, how do you think it's helped your current relationship?
34:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, why do you think it's been so instrumental for you?
34:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Because at the end of the day, that book is not just for single people.
34:29
[SPEAKER_00]: It's for anyone, especially if you're in a relationship.
34:33
[SPEAKER_00]: As a reminder, for you to connect to yourself first, work on yourself first, look in word first.
34:39
[SPEAKER_00]: So when you're doing life with someone, there's less co-dependency, there's less investment.
34:43
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's, you know, it's two individuals working on themselves coming together to do life with each other, not at each other or around each other.
34:51
[SPEAKER_00]: That's always been my thing is while your single lay the tracks.
34:55
[SPEAKER_00]: start the pattern, start the habits now, so when you get into a relationship, you've got that nice runway, you know, you're already moving in the right direction.
35:05
[SPEAKER_00]: So many people that I've helped and coached, they're desperate to find love, they find love, and then they lose your friends, they lose their passion, they, you know, let themselves go, like it just, like, it's like, that's, that's how, that's not what it's about, you know.
35:20
[SPEAKER_02]: And what about people in relationships?
35:22
[SPEAKER_02]: Is it too late for these people?
35:25
[SPEAKER_02]: Or is there a way to translate single-one purpose but still in a relationship?
35:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I think, especially if you are in a relationship because that's when I think we dropped them all the most.
35:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Because like I said, it's hard to do shit on your own because now you have someone that you're doing my way, you know?
35:43
[SPEAKER_00]: That's hard.
35:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Even though it's called Sing on Purpose, I think it's more important for people in relationships to kind of read this book and to remind themselves, like,
35:58
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm starting to loot.
35:59
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm starting to like, I'm starting to not know who I am or where I'm going.
36:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I need to get that back.
36:03
[SPEAKER_00]: That's going to ultimately help the relationship.
36:05
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I think that's a perfect transition to some of our takeaways.
36:08
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, the work doesn't stop once you have a partner.
36:11
[SPEAKER_01]: If anything, it actually is more because now you're trying to navigate.
36:15
[SPEAKER_01]: I think you said it well, like you're navigating your own shit and their shit together, right?
36:19
[SPEAKER_01]: It's um, I think though the biggest takeaways I've gotten from this is like the sense of self is so essential.
36:26
[SPEAKER_01]: We've been fed these lines like two thoughts become one or my other half.
36:31
[SPEAKER_01]: And all that stuff is pretty actually detrimental in reality, I think in fantasy and romantic comedies and all that works, but in real life, like when you don't have a sense of self, like you are just relying on this other person so, so much, like the whole, you know, story you shared about like the birthday party, like I think there's just so much pressure now on the one person, which makes it, you know, challenging to like navigate for the long haul.
37:00
[SPEAKER_01]: you know, um, community and having those people in your lives that aren't romantic are just as important as the romantic partner because they help, you know, round things out.
37:12
[SPEAKER_01]: They help you like form your sense of self and you're not just putting like everything on one person.
37:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
37:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Life becomes cumulative joy-wise.
37:20
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not like, you know, everything doesn't hang on the relationship and the one fight or the what's going on.
37:27
[SPEAKER_00]: One of the things that happens is in relationships, the the other person or the relationship kind of becomes a sudden you revolve around.
37:34
[SPEAKER_00]: and you end up kind of losing your life and so you're right having all that having other pistons pumping in the engine, if you will, it creates more wholeness, it creates more joy, and also a lot less pressure on your Bart and her relationship.
37:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I create more fulfillment and relying on someone else to be a whole or whatever they say in these romantic Right, there's this like great graphic that's coming to mind that it was like you're not the center of my universe Like you're one of my big universes, but I also have my career by friends by family like multiple centers It's not just one at the end of the day
38:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and as someone who has an ancient attachment style and who has been put to pendent and who has addiction in his blood, all that stuff you're talking about is it feels amazing, you know, like it feels amazing to lose yourself in someone else.
38:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Those movies, like the notebook or whatever, where it works.
38:31
[SPEAKER_00]: That's just like dopamine.
38:33
[SPEAKER_00]: That's romantic.
38:34
[SPEAKER_00]: I love that, but it's not realistic.
38:36
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not healthy.
38:36
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not sustainable.
38:38
[SPEAKER_02]: And I want to transition to and that's kind of related to my biggest takeaway is you are in control of your journey and I love this idea of you decide where you want to go and see who comes along for the ride as opposed to.
38:54
[SPEAKER_02]: Finding people to define where you're going because you're just going to get lost to that in that process.
39:00
[SPEAKER_02]: So knowing that you're on a clear path somewhere and you will meet people along the way.
39:06
[SPEAKER_02]: Most of the time unexpectedly, who are also on a summer path, and then you get to define this new path together.
39:13
[SPEAKER_02]: I really enjoy that.
39:15
[SPEAKER_02]: Love this term of explorations.
39:17
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, do you want to elaborate on that one?
39:19
[SPEAKER_00]: No, you set a clear path and I just thought, and also it may not be a clear path, you know, and maybe a squiggly line, you know, I mean it's life, you know, and so that's okay too.
39:30
[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you.
39:30
[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you for for saying that because I think that did put a lot pressure on people being like, I don't have a clear path Right, nobody really knows.
39:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for clarifying that and you know, it's funny though is like you never think about like when I'm just thinking about like that what you just said you a is like this being opens just things happening like when you've met friends unexpected
40:00
[SPEAKER_02]: Right?
40:01
[SPEAKER_02]: It's so crazy to me.
40:02
[SPEAKER_02]: How much we put dating on a pedestal yet we treat it like trash the same time.
40:11
[SPEAKER_02]: It's really fascinating to me.
40:12
[SPEAKER_02]: I was just saying that I really love this term explorations.
40:16
[SPEAKER_02]: We've heard the term I've evolved out of that relationship, which I also like.
40:20
[SPEAKER_02]: It just means it's not a sign and it's not a death, but it is just a close out of a chapter that you can now evolve to that next chapter.
40:30
[SPEAKER_02]: I think people should start using that, describe your last expiration.
40:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Our relationship, man.
40:37
[SPEAKER_01]: It's expiration date, yeah.
40:39
[SPEAKER_02]: And a lot of it, you know, you do bring this, I think this just shows that the way we describe dating, the language around it is toxic.
40:48
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's what it is, the toxicity.
40:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Totally, like break up, dumb.
40:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe that's one of the big steps is, you know, if you're listening to change your language, yes.
40:58
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's not about someone else.
40:59
[SPEAKER_00]: You telling yourself that the relationship has expired or that, you know, whatever, however you want.
41:04
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is what I mean by redefinition, some new definitions, throwing away old blue prints and creating something new.
41:11
[SPEAKER_00]: And with dating looks like what it can look like, what love could look like, start changing your language, yeah, absolutely.
41:18
[SPEAKER_01]: great action item.
41:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I think language is a huge one.
41:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I was talking to a friend about this and it was like, instead of being like, someone doesn't like me, it's like, okay, it just wasn't the right fit or like, you know, like, they're showing you something that's not who you wanted a partner, like put it on yourself and this, like, we've actually taught to a past guess about this.
41:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, if you're so fixated on being single, that's what the like, the universe has got to serve to you because you're like, just talking about being
41:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm enjoying time on my own, but you know, I also like being around people, whatever it might be, but like that little shift can make a huge difference, I think.
41:57
[SPEAKER_02]: One of my favorite rejection lines in the professional world is, oh, we're going a different direction.
42:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I wish we could use that in relationships.
42:06
[SPEAKER_02]: That's exactly what it is.
42:07
[SPEAKER_02]: We're just going in different different directions.
42:09
[SPEAKER_02]: So sorry.
42:11
[SPEAKER_02]: My last big take away is this.
42:14
[SPEAKER_02]: I love this idea of connecting with different parts of you from the past and we forget to do that.
42:21
[SPEAKER_02]: And when we are alone and single and having these moments of solitude, I think it's a great challenge for yourself to think back.
42:30
[SPEAKER_02]: What was I like when I was 12?
42:32
[SPEAKER_02]: What did I like most?
42:33
[SPEAKER_02]: What are the flavors that I remember the smells?
42:37
[SPEAKER_02]: and just give very playful and curious with that because sometimes what relationships are are about reestablishing these relationships with yourself.
42:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, one of the things that I asked myself wasn't what makes me happy.
42:52
[SPEAKER_00]: I felt that was very loaded and the word happy can be plastic and a t-shirt.
42:56
[SPEAKER_00]: So I started as myself when, when did I feel the most alive?
43:01
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna hit for those days.
43:02
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and it was, it was, yeah, it was the younger, it was when I was, you know, play with my Legos for hours and lose track of time when I was break dancing with a skating, you know, and I thought today, okay, well now is a 35-year-old, what can I do that produces the same feeling, right?
43:17
[SPEAKER_00]: So it could be a different activity, but what produces the same feeling, and that's where I found the connection, right?
43:23
[SPEAKER_00]: So it wasn't like, I didn't put on my winbreaker and start doing backspins again.
43:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I found the feeling of that feeling that alive in fitness,
43:32
[SPEAKER_01]: I really love that.
43:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that.
43:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Do what makes you happy, love it, but makes you come alive.
43:37
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, all right.
43:39
[SPEAKER_02]: And for listeners, in case you couldn't tell, we highly recommend John's book, single and purpose to find yourself first.
43:46
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm guessing people can find this book just by Googling, but is there a one central place where they can find everything about you?
43:53
[SPEAKER_02]: Uh, the The English therapist.com The one and only.
43:57
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
43:57
[SPEAKER_02]: Not just any English therapist.
44:00
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't think we actually asked you.
44:01
[SPEAKER_01]: But why the angry therapist?
44:03
[SPEAKER_01]: That's our very last question.
44:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, when I when I started the Tumblr, I didn't it was for me.
44:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't think anyone would read it.
44:10
[SPEAKER_00]: I thought it was funny that the therapist was angry But but I was I was actually a very angry person.
44:17
[SPEAKER_00]: That's that's where these come from.
44:18
[SPEAKER_02]: Be steep for her Keep them keep them.
44:20
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
44:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I call I call Marky Marx
44:25
[SPEAKER_00]: but just being Korean, by default, you're angry in this game.
44:30
[SPEAKER_00]: I was angry because I was unhappy.
44:33
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't have much of a life of a very chasing state.
44:35
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that's why I called it thing with therapist.
44:38
[SPEAKER_00]: And then later I realized, oh, maybe it was my way of saying that I'm human, that anger isn't a bad thing, especially as a therapist who tries to show himself that makes sense to me.
44:49
[SPEAKER_02]: I heard someone say this to me.
44:51
[SPEAKER_02]: Babies are born angry.
44:53
[SPEAKER_02]: So, Engre's the first most natural emotion.
44:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Sure.
44:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, Engre's scared.
44:59
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, exactly.
45:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
45:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Also, the happy characters deserve no reason.
45:02
[SPEAKER_02]: No, nobody cares about that person.
45:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Exactly.
45:06
[SPEAKER_02]: No.
45:08
[SPEAKER_02]: No, thanks to that guy.
45:10
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, thank you so much, John Kim, for being part of our show.
45:14
[SPEAKER_02]: Or we should say the angry therapist for being part of our show.
45:16
[SPEAKER_02]: And if you haven't done so yet, subscribe to the psychology of relationships today.
45:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Bye.