Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / What Aging Feels Like For Women

Transcript

What Aging Feels Like For Women · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom show today,
0:09
we're going to be talking about what it feels like when a woman
0:12
Ages, which if you're a woman, I mean might as well skip unless
0:17
you want to hear more about whether your normal which is
0:21
fun, you know? And it's way.
0:23
So you might as well listen, but if you're a man, it may be very
0:26
interesting for you because men don't usually think about
0:29
women's biology. Nor do women really think about
0:33
male biology? Because it's not what your
0:35
Experiencing before that, please do subscribe.
0:38
I most recent subscriber episode is on why your wife doesn't like
0:42
when you drink, and I am going to have another one coming out
0:44
soon, on, whatever the spirit moves me to do at that moment.
0:49
Okay? So let's just dive in.
0:52
So when you are a woman in your aging, the aging process really
0:56
starts Full Throttle in about your 40s, you know, sure
1:03
everything is deteriorating. You don't look as Hot like, you
1:06
know, and you know, you're 39, that's when you're like 19,
1:09
obviously, you know, things are moving around.
1:12
You've had kids, your body's not the same, but, but but I mean
1:17
things really start, moving it at a quicker Pace, when you're
1:21
in your 40s because as I've discussed, perimenopause can
1:24
start up to 10 years before menopause average age of
1:26
menopause is 52. So you're talking about the 40s
1:30
really and this is one fertility ABS, you know.
1:33
So when fertility Wayne's Really when we're talking about changes
1:37
like real changes, you start to feel a lot more tired.
1:41
You start to feel more like Moody your sex drive drops a lot
1:46
and they used to say that like women's sex drive increases in
1:50
their 40s, no human mammals. Sex drive, no human, no mammals
1:55
sex, drive increases the older, it gets like, that's just not
1:58
real. What can be real is that women
2:01
feel more confident at that stage of the game which can be
2:05
Be a very much a game changer, you know, if previously you had
2:09
no idea what your body could do, you didn't know how to have an
2:12
orgasm, you don't know how to ask for one.
2:13
You didn't feel confident enough to tell a man anything in bed,
2:16
then yes, with the older. You get the more confident you
2:19
get, but it's not like the more responsive your body gets or
2:22
anything again. Unless it was very mentally
2:26
mediated. So a nun repressed 40 year old
2:29
woman is going to have better sex than and then a repressed 20
2:32
year old woman but that is but You know, we're not comparing
2:36
those. If it's the same woman with the
2:39
same level of mental, lack of inhibition then, of course, her
2:44
body is going to respond differently in her libido is
2:46
going to be higher the younger and more fertile.
2:48
She is because that is why our body creates a Sex Drive is for
2:51
the perpetuation of the species. That's just how it is.
2:55
That's biology that's Evolution. So when women sex drive drops
3:01
they often feel really bad about it you know?
3:03
Like this is something that Men don't realize as much you know
3:07
like women are like oh wow I never want to have sex.
3:10
Awesome. I get to get so many more chores
3:12
done. That's not it at all, you know?
3:15
But women are more accepting generally than men of biological
3:18
changes from what I've seen in my experience because they've
3:21
gone through so many pregnancy, you can't do what you want to
3:24
do. You have a life and you can't
3:26
even eat sushi. You can't drink menstruation
3:29
comes upon you, your shocked. Oh, here we go.
3:31
It's this time of the month already.
3:33
Oh fuck. You know it's like Body's always
3:36
doing stuff that's outside of your control.
3:37
So you've just got to accept it, you know, whereas men don't
3:41
accept it that readily and so women can generally be more
3:46
accepting of. Oh, I don't have the stamina.
3:48
I used to have for exercise. Oh, I get colder.
3:50
Now when I'm outside in the winter, oh, like my appetite
3:53
change do this that, you know, I'm not saying that everybody's
3:57
like yippee, you know, like I'm so glad that I'm aging, of
4:01
course not, but women tend to be more accepting but of course,
4:04
they still Have grief and wistfulness about being younger.
4:08
So a woman that really enjoyed having a high libido and being
4:12
very sexual when she was young. It's not like she's going to not
4:17
miss that. I mean, she's a human being.
4:19
Of course, she's going to miss it.
4:21
So she's going to be sad about it.
4:23
But it many times she feels what's the point of telling you
4:26
you're already said about it, she doesn't want to bring up
4:29
your attention and be like I'm sad that I don't want to have
4:32
sex with you you know because many men take that super Simile
4:35
and my job. And what I'm doing here is to
4:38
try to help you, not take it personally.
4:39
So you can have more open discussions with your spouse
4:42
about aging and where they are in their life trajectory and
4:46
their self-conception and what they do and don't like about
4:49
aging. So one thing that definitely
4:52
happens is your libido goes down and that is not wonderful.
4:56
It's not like women love that or something.
4:57
So like they find it relieving some women that always had a lot
5:00
of ambivalence and were very conflicted about sex.
5:03
They may in fact It relieving. But so would a man who has
5:07
extreme conflict and unresolved issues about sex, everybody who
5:11
has unresolved trauma or conflict about sex, is going to
5:15
be relieved, to not have a sex drive, but for a healthy person
5:20
who enjoyed being a sexual entity.
5:22
This is not going to be thought of as wonderful, you know?
5:25
And so, honestly, you probably should have some empathy towards
5:28
your wife, about her libido going down.
5:30
It's not like she loves it. I've never talked to a woman
5:33
that's in couples counseling. Or sexual issues that doesn't
5:37
wish that she could just snap her fingers and want more sex,
5:39
they all want that. And like that could be an
5:42
epiphany for you honestly because a lot of men think that
5:45
the woman doesn't care because she doesn't respond, like she
5:49
doesn't respond because like, it's like eating when you're not
5:51
hungry. There's only so much of it that
5:53
you want to do or that you can do.
5:55
Especially if you don't really have a lot of psychoeducation
5:58
about responsive desire and you were a very high libido woman.
6:02
The interesting part is very high libido women sometimes
6:05
Time's the transition can be even worse because they were
6:08
used to having more spontaneous desire, you know?
6:10
And now they don't have any spontaneous desire and they
6:13
don't really know about responsive desire because they
6:16
never really needed it before because they had a lot of
6:19
spontaneous desire. So it's super high libido woman
6:22
that did experience spontaneous desire.
6:24
A lot like a guy, it is going to be even more floored and
6:28
bewildered by her change, right? So this is going to be nothing
6:33
like what she was when she was young.
6:35
So, what is another aspect of this that doesn't have to do
6:38
with sex drive? Its General fatigue.
6:41
So women's energy levels, go a lot lower when they are aging
6:48
and this isn't, you know, I mean I was going to say, it isn't
6:51
always just so that I didn't offend people who love to work
6:54
out and stuff, you know? But it's reality.
6:57
I mean, you're an aging animal. Like, you know, like the Philip
7:01
Roth title of the book, The dying animal, like, right?
7:04
Like you're Can I have more energy when you're older?
7:07
Men have higher levels of testosterone, testosterone is an
7:11
energy hormone, you know, like it makes you feel good and
7:15
powerful and strong. Women have much less of that and
7:18
some women have zero of that. Literally, a lot of us, go get
7:21
tested and it's zero, you know, that doesn't mean that you have
7:25
no sex drive because Sex Drive is moderated by a lot of other
7:28
variables, but you got no testosterone and testosterone
7:32
is, you know, if you have more testosterone, you want to go.
7:35
Out and lift and run and do lots of things, and if you don't have
7:39
any anymore, then your energy levels, go down.
7:42
And so, a woman that was super active, and wanting to do a lot
7:45
of stuff. When she was younger with small
7:47
children, she may be a lot more tired and she may have a lot
7:52
less of a bandwidth for doing stuff.
7:54
Especially late at night. This is like a big one.
7:57
You know, where women get to a point where they find it really
8:00
hard to stay out late at night and late could be like 11, you
8:06
know, that could be considered very late.
8:08
And if you are still somebody, if you're partnered with your
8:12
wife, and you are somebody who likes to stay out late and
8:14
you're like a night owl, then this could, if you don't
8:17
understand aging, you know, and biology this could cause a lot
8:20
of conflict, because a lot of guys in this situation feel like
8:23
the woman is just like giving up and she just like says fuck it.
8:27
Well to some extent, she's saying fuck it, could she
8:29
physically doesn't have the strength or like the drive to do
8:34
certain things. Any more, whether that or
8:36
whether that's, you know, running or whether that sucks
8:40
like her, body isn't the same anymore.
8:43
And I mean, bone density goes down as women age.
8:46
Like, there's like real real changes.
8:48
And I talked about a lot of this in my biology.
8:51
Biological, you know, look at women throughout their lifespan.
8:55
I have a podcast on that and one on menopause, but
8:58
psychologically, what are some differences?
9:02
Well, you don't value the same things.
9:04
So, As women get older. A lot of times they're like fuck
9:07
it. I don't care about what Society
9:09
thinks I should look like and I've talked about this with the
9:13
menopause thing. I don't feel like I should have
9:16
to take care of everybody all the time, my estrogen the honey.
9:20
Yes. Honey hormone is down so I don't
9:23
want to necessarily devote my life to making everybody's
9:25
favorite snack all the time. They could all take care of
9:27
their own favorite snack and or not or not eat.
9:31
I don't care. You know like that's how a lot
9:33
of women feel And so, they want to direct their energy
9:37
elsewhere. They don't feel like, you know,
9:40
just kind of looking like what society says women should look
9:43
like or doing what society says women should do and that's fine.
9:46
You know what's not find is if that is basically, you know,
9:51
means that you're kind of done with being a romantic entity, I
9:56
mean, that part's fine, you could decide what you want.
9:58
But like if you're done with being a romantic entity in the
10:01
world but yet you also want to stay married and have kind of
10:04
the same. Up.
10:05
You can't basically say to somebody, I no longer want to do
10:11
anything, that is sexual sensual or what we previously agreed was
10:16
considered feminine but like, I still want to stay married, you
10:21
know, but like they did a merry that.
10:23
So like if you're it would be just like if you know, if a
10:27
woman was like, I want to, I don't know II.
10:33
Still want to spend the same. Same amount of money that I
10:36
always did, you know? And so therefore, like you have
10:40
to keep on working way, way past retirement, she would say to her
10:43
husband that could be perceived as very unfair to the husband
10:47
who very much wants to, you know, change and retire.
10:50
But most guys are like, well, you know what, like kind of she
10:54
has a point. And so this is why I will save
10:56
for retirement or this is why, you know, we have a 401k or
11:00
something like that so there's like a compromise.
11:02
So in terms of like when the It's like, you know, I don't
11:06
feel like dressing up anymore. And I want to cut my hair short
11:08
and I want to just go gray and I want to do whatever.
11:12
Yeah. Like there could be a compromise
11:14
there with like the stuff that the guy still likes.
11:17
It can't just be all or nothing or else basically.
11:19
You're basically saying you don't want to really be married
11:21
anymore. So if you give up every single
11:24
thing that he ever thought was attractive or you know, feminine
11:30
or anything like all at once out of a philosophical decision
11:33
that, because your age, And you don't care anymore.
11:35
Then that's just as unfair as if you were, you know, a
11:40
stay-at-home mom for all these years and the implicit contract
11:43
was that he would make money and then he just said, fuck it, I'm
11:46
50. And I don't want to, you know,
11:48
work ever again. So now we are never going to,
11:51
you know, have money in like that, you know.
11:54
Yes, you could say, she could go back to work but the equivalent
11:57
of that in the situation is saying like she would need to
12:00
have a whole new identity. And so she probably wouldn't
12:04
want to In married, after that, you know, kind of big rupture of
12:09
him saying. Yeah, I'm trying supporting you
12:10
on find supporting you and now I'm done supporting you like,
12:14
just on a dime because I want to be, that's kind of how a man
12:18
feels if a woman is like fuck it.
12:20
I all of a sudden I realized I am done with all aspects of
12:23
sexuality and conventional femininity that a woman can make
12:27
that decision but she just shouldn't expect that.
12:30
It isn't kind of considered to be a gauntlet thrown down.
12:35
And something that's going to be very upsetting to the man on the
12:37
other hand. As I talk about all the time,
12:39
people do change and evolve and grow, and as long as something
12:42
isn't basically a fuck you to the other partner, you then it
12:46
should be something that is, you know, talked about and discussed
12:52
and like for example, the hair thing, it sounds stupid.
12:54
But like a lot of women decide to go naturally gray in the guy,
12:57
doesn't like it. And so, who's this decision?
13:00
Should this be? Well, anybody in the whole world
13:02
nowadays would say to be only the woman's Vision.
13:05
But then again also everybody in the whole world would say that a
13:08
man should ask his wife if she likes this haircut.
13:11
So like kind of, why shouldn't it be the same?
13:13
You know, I mean I dye my hair all the time it's a pain in the
13:16
fucking ass is terrible and I have been do it out of a box you
13:19
know. So it's not even expensive and
13:21
it's still just annoying but like so if I don't want to do it
13:25
anymore sure that's my decision. Yes.
13:29
But like probably also to be a pal, you know he should clear it
13:34
with your spouse. House, you know, and most people
13:37
will say fine, but for the few people that say, no, I really
13:39
like your hair, the color that it is.
13:41
I don't see why that would be like a big, like, slap in the
13:43
face of feminism, and not just two people having a conversation
13:47
around making some compromises. So, that is now an unpopular
13:52
opinion did not used to be, but it is now, but I don't see why,
13:56
because Almost 100% of people would be like, if your wife
13:59
hates your beard, you should shave it.
14:01
So, you know, I'm thinking like, like, I mean, how could Not be
14:05
the same. So the reason that I bring it up
14:07
is because there's a lot of these little compromises that
14:10
would have to happen as people age people of both genders, but
14:13
again men don't have like the cutoff of menopause after which
14:18
things do feel, very different with women, it's not as linear.
14:21
There's frequently a big, a big, decrease around menopause and
14:25
there's a lot more biological stuff going on.
14:28
Whereas men have more testosterone to work with that
14:31
kind of stay there. Men can convince themselves like
14:34
through their Ts that they're not going to age, then something
14:37
happens. Obviously they fall down, they
14:38
break something. They have some sort of.
14:40
The doctor says they have high cholesterol.
14:42
They have a heart attack. Something happens, you know,
14:44
nobody stays young forever, but men can go like about 10 years
14:48
past women on like pretending that they're going to be
14:51
immortal. So sometimes there's a
14:54
disconnect here when they're both, let's say in their 40s and
14:58
the man feels like he could still live forever and he's in
15:00
the best shape of his life and the woman's, like, I'm at the
15:02
stage where I would like to Get rid of the artifice of
15:06
conventional femininity and start going to sleep at 8:00
15:10
and, you know, re-examine everything in my life.
15:13
And by the way, we're not having sex.
15:15
So, you know, of course, I am exaggerating for humorous
15:19
effect. But, you know, there has to be
15:21
some sort of compromise, where if the marriage is prioritized,
15:25
people cannot just uniformly, say whoopsie.
15:29
Like I, you know, I am tired and I am older and I don't want to
15:33
be a sexual identity anymore. Or and basically this is what
15:36
I'm talking about because that's why the men wouldn't like the
15:38
gray hair, some men. Love the gray hair young people,
15:41
even dye their hair gray, but the point is is what it means,
15:45
what it signifies and frequently, what it can signify
15:48
is I no longer care what you think about my looks.
15:51
And that's because basically, I'm kind of done with whether I
15:54
care about what you think at all.
15:58
And those things go hand-in-hand and they also go hand-in-hand
16:00
with an unhappy marriage because it's somebody says, you know, I
16:03
don't really care what you think.
16:05
About what I look like. What I do.
16:06
What I think what I say that's cool but it's that's like how,
16:10
like one would feel about like, you know, a neighbor or
16:13
something like I'm not gonna let my neighbor tell me whether it
16:15
dye my hair. That makes perfect sense, but if
16:17
it's like, I'm not going to let my sexual partner tell me like
16:20
whether they prefer me to look a certain way, then it starts to
16:23
be a little bit slippery because I spent all this time, like,
16:27
literally just did my previous podcast was do exactly the
16:31
hygiene routine that your wife would find attractive.
16:34
Active, let her tell you exactly like what you should do in terms
16:39
of your hygiene. And then it's like you can't be
16:41
like well when women aged it, you know, they should just kind
16:44
of do whatever the fuck they want.
16:45
And I mean they shouldn't know. Nobody not man or woman should
16:49
do whatever the fuck they want within an intimate relationship
16:52
because that is not how to roll. So there are and by that, I
16:59
clinically mean that, that would not be a healthy and reciprocal
17:03
and a mutual Respectful romantic relationship.
17:07
So you always got a balance in life.
17:09
There's biological changes that come with age and their
17:12
psychological changes that come with age and these are very very
17:15
real and if you're a man, listening, your wife is taking
17:18
aging probably a thousand times worse than you realize, the loss
17:21
of her libido. Her body looks different,
17:24
everything changes, your hair thins out.
17:26
Men aren't the only one with hair issues when it comes to
17:29
aging. But but also, you know, so you
17:34
have to have a A lot of empathy but also if you have a partner
17:37
that's basically like okay I'm old now no, more sex, no more,
17:40
nothing then. Is that fair, you know, and you
17:44
would have to voice that and or that may not be a compatible
17:47
relationship anymore. Let me tell you, plenty of women
17:50
who are like fuck this shit you know I'm done with pleasing.
17:53
Men are kind of like relieved if their relationship ends because
17:57
they don't want to be in the relationship.
17:59
That's like part of their Epiphany about aging is I don't
18:02
put up with this guy shoot anymore.
18:04
So So that's why grade divorce happens and it's more initiated
18:08
by women. That's divorce when you're older
18:10
because a lot of women are just like I'm older now.
18:12
I don't care. I don't want to put up with
18:14
whatever, I feel like I was putting up with before I don't
18:16
want to have sex. I just want to be done and live
18:18
my best life, and there is no harm, no foul with that.
18:22
It's not a bait-and-switch there is nobody, who could possibly
18:26
say that a woman who gets married at age, 25 or 35, is
18:29
good to know how the hell she feels when she's 50 55.
18:32
If you think that that's true, that you are living in a dream.
18:34
World. So there's no bait and switch.
18:36
There's a natural aging process. People act differently in it.
18:42
The biological point of aspect of Aging hits women very hard
18:48
usually, because of the hormonal changes, the company menopause.
18:52
And there has to be some sort of acknowledgement, that one's
18:56
changing philosophies on aging and what it means for your
18:59
identity would need to be kind of bounced off the other person
19:03
in somewhat of a Back and forth, reciprocal, compromising way, if
19:08
you intend to maintain a relationship with another
19:10
person, if you do not then just say, you know, I want to go my
19:14
own way, like, I'm kind of done with this being married, and I'm
19:18
done with this relationship, and I'm done with whatever and
19:21
they're, as the statistics show increasingly women do that.
19:26
And I don't think there's anything wrong with that, you
19:28
know, people can change who they are, and if the relationship
19:31
cannot accommodate it. The only unethical thing is this
19:34
Somehow for somebody to stay in a horrible relationship that
19:37
they don't want to be in, but if you really have outgrown
19:41
something, including a core aspect of your nature that is
19:45
sexuality, then yes you can be done with a relationship.
19:49
I mean you should be in fact if the other person still wants a
19:52
sexual relationship so that is the part of aging that I often
19:55
see in couples counseling is when one person is pretty much
19:59
done with sex. And the other one is it.
20:01
So that's the aspect that I see. All right, so, I hope that you
20:06
enjoyed this and please do subscribe.
20:08
And again, like, it's what I'm trying to do is to cultivate
20:12
different sorts of perspectives on issues.
20:15
So, even if you're like, oh man, I really want to discuss this
20:19
podcast. I really wanted to share this
20:21
podcast with my spouse. If your spouse doesn't want to
20:24
hear this podcast, you can always initiate your own
20:27
conversations and say, what do you think about aging house?
20:30
Aging impacting. You, of course, you still look
20:32
as beautiful as ever to me, but, you know, You know, here's how
20:35
it's impacting me. Here's what I think about.
20:37
Here's what I'm concerned about. Here's what I worry about we do
20:40
you have any of those thoughts? You know.
20:42
That's would be a nice kind of conversation that people can
20:45
have as they are getting older so that they can understand each
20:48
other's inner world and thoughts about the aging process.
20:51
Something which comes to all of us.
20:53
All right, bye. Bye guys.