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107. Jealousy Turns Me On…..Is That WRONG?! · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apoge Production. I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome
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  Speaker 1: to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you. Hello, everybody,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to she writes as Bestie segment. If you
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  Speaker 1: are new here, welcome to the show. We are your
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  Speaker 1: online virtual best friends, and this is a segment we
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  Speaker 1: give our advice that we would give to each other
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  Speaker 1: if we came to each other with the specific problem. Absolutely,
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  Speaker 1: this is completely anonymous. We have no idea who you are,
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  Speaker 1: and if you want to write in anything, we'll leave
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  Speaker 1: it in the description box below. But let's get into
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  Speaker 1: today's Bestie segment. Absolutely, Hey, ladies, I'm in two minds.
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  Speaker 1: Here's the backstory. I went to school with my husband
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  Speaker 1: and we married at twenty years old. We're now forty
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  Speaker 1: years old, with teenaged kids, full time jobs, pets, the mortgage,
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  Speaker 1: all pretty typical. We've been through a lot together, changed
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  Speaker 1: and morphed as indie jewels and as couples many many times.
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  Speaker 1: I've been working on my childhood trauma in therapy sessions
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  Speaker 1: and it's brought up a lot for me. One aspect
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  Speaker 1: I've worked on hard to unlearn is sexual shame and
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  Speaker 1: repression that was drummed into me as a young girl.
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  Speaker 1: Only now at forty am I truly coming into my
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  Speaker 1: sensuality and my sexual expression. I self pleasured for the
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  Speaker 1: first time.
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  Speaker 2: Ever last year. Oh wow, I had my first orgasm
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  Speaker 2: recently and have gone from missus missionary to missus f Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: let's try it in such a short.
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  Speaker 1: Such a short spend time. This is amazing.
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  Speaker 2: We give most things to go in the bedroom. Now
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  Speaker 2: it's been liberating, fun, connecting, and healing. I've also learned
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  Speaker 2: that my biggest turn on is jealousy. When I was young,
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  Speaker 2: I felt it as jealous anger, and frustration if he
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  Speaker 2: were to speak about or show interest in any other girls.
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  Speaker 2: But I had a physical response to my jealousy. It
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  Speaker 2: was arousal, arousal that I never acknowledged was there, and
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  Speaker 2: I don't think that I knew what the sensation really was.
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  Speaker 2: I've recently shared with him my jealousy kink. He was
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  Speaker 2: initially worried that I seriously wanted him to go and
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  Speaker 2: be with another woman, and I assured him that I
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  Speaker 2: just like to fantasize. I asked him for his fantasy
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  Speaker 2: but he always just says you. We've been using these
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  Speaker 2: mate up stories of him fucking other girls as full play.
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  Speaker 2: But the more we talk about it, the more I
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  Speaker 2: really want him to be with other girls. The thought
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  Speaker 2: of him pleasuring another woman makes me weak. I wouldn't
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  Speaker 2: need to take part or watch. I just love to
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  Speaker 2: hear his stories when he gets home. But what if
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  Speaker 2: he took that step and he agreed to do it.
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  Speaker 2: That can't be undone. What if him being with another
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  Speaker 2: girl tormented me forever or ruined what we have together?
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  Speaker 2: Would I feel like I've been cheated on, even though
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  Speaker 2: it was my idea?
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  Speaker 1: But what if he.
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  Speaker 2: Unleashes a higher level of lust and desire? What if
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  Speaker 2: we go up another few levels of connection, intimacy and
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  Speaker 2: mind blowing sex. Once it's done, it's done, But I
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  Speaker 2: just can't stop thinking about it.
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  Speaker 1: Help, Well, it's so interesting. Oh my goodness, there's so
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  Speaker 1: many layers to that, so many layers. Yeah, I mean,
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  Speaker 1: thank you for coming forward and like just being open
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  Speaker 1: and vulnerable even though we have no idea who you are.
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  Speaker 1: Like I can imagine that would be scary to have
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  Speaker 1: awareness around talk about bring forward, and so I love
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  Speaker 1: that you've brought it in. Yeah, firstly for me, like
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  Speaker 1: I can relate in some level. I used to be
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  Speaker 1: so crazy jealous that Steve looked at another girl, mentioned
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  Speaker 1: another girl, like when I was younger. We've been together
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  Speaker 1: seventeen years now, but when we were younger, it was rage,
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  Speaker 1: like I could not handle it, angry. And then definitely,
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  Speaker 1: like over the last five years, I've definitely found it
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  Speaker 1: a turn on, not as far as like me wanting
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  Speaker 1: him to go be with another girl, especially without me there.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like I've spoken about this before that i'd
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  Speaker 1: be open to inviting a female into play. Yeah, haven't
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  Speaker 1: done it yet, but like maybe one day that could
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  Speaker 1: be fun. So I get that. But yeah, the turn
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  Speaker 1: on of the thought of them pleasuring someone else, I
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  Speaker 1: can relate. Yeah, it's hot like your man doing his thing,
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  Speaker 1: So yeah, I can relate in that sense. But it
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  Speaker 1: would be scary as well.
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely, And I think I don't know because I haven't
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  Speaker 2: been in a long term relationship. So this is just
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  Speaker 2: me thinking and hypothetically saying. I think it's important to
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  Speaker 2: know where you guys are at in your relationship, you know,
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  Speaker 2: like where you.
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  Speaker 1: Guys are pretty clear though, Yeah, if you guys have.
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  Speaker 2: Got a strong foundation and you can perfonly talk about it.
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  Speaker 2: There's no harm in having that conversation if that's what
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  Speaker 2: you're into and that's what you feel like you want
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  Speaker 2: to explore, And then I guess for you, it's just
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  Speaker 2: about understanding where your partner's at and what he wants
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  Speaker 2: to do, right, because it's like bringing both of what
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  Speaker 2: you want together and then figuring out, Okay, does this
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  Speaker 2: feel good for both sides.
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  Speaker 1: He might not actually even be slightly interested in doing
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  Speaker 1: that that's right, or he may yeah, maybe it's meet
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  Speaker 1: in the middle of like, I don't want to do
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  Speaker 1: that without you, Like would you be in the room
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  Speaker 1: with me? Yes, you know, it's that's a kink for
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  Speaker 1: some people to be able to watch.
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  Speaker 2: That sounds like the biggest thing is like getting clear
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  Speaker 2: on whether what you want and what he wants collides
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  Speaker 2: and alliance and then figuring out what that may look
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  Speaker 2: like from there.
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  Speaker 1: And I think because like you said, it's long term
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  Speaker 1: and they've got such a solid foundation I think, and
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  Speaker 1: really good communication. They're talking about everything, they're open about it.
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  Speaker 1: There's no shame, it's okay to have these things come forward.
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  Speaker 1: And now it's I think, just really having faith in
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  Speaker 1: your foundation and know that you guys are solid. So
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  Speaker 1: even if you were to go and do something like
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  Speaker 1: this and it wasn't what you imagined, you gave it
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  Speaker 1: a go. No one's done anything wrong. This is done
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  Speaker 1: with full consent, a lot of communication, and then there's
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  Speaker 1: just like the reassurance and love getting back to the
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  Speaker 1: foundation afterwards or hopefully you guys freaking love it and
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  Speaker 1: you get to export different things together and it adds
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  Speaker 1: this whole new element of your sex life that you
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  Speaker 1: guys are very eager to explore and expand that's cool,
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  Speaker 1: it's exciting. I talk about the jealousy thing, but when
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  Speaker 1: I've spoken about it before, it's like a healthy jealousy, Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: healthy jealousy.
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  Speaker 2: Jealousy, I think there's a healthy jealousy comes from when
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  Speaker 2: you're secure in your relationsshow, but unhealthy jealousy comes from
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  Speaker 2: when you don't feel stable in it, when.
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  Speaker 1: You're not secure within yourself as well. That's the relationship
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  Speaker 1: and yourself. Like I definitely I've shared with you that
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  Speaker 1: there's been different stories that Steve's told me the past.
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  Speaker 1: It used to make me so angry and jealous and
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  Speaker 1: then the last couple of years, I'm like, can you
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  Speaker 1: tell me more about that? That story with that's like,
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  Speaker 1: why is this a trap? I'm like, no, but what
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  Speaker 1: happens is a trap? What happened when you live with
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  Speaker 1: those two girls? I'm like, I want to know? And
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  Speaker 1: it turns me on. It doesn't make me angry anymore,
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  Speaker 1: but it turns me on in a way. It's like,
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  Speaker 1: come here your mind man, now, yes, Like it's brought
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  Speaker 1: like a bit of fire in there. So I've used it,
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  Speaker 1: but I've used it like that and that's cool.
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  Speaker 2: And the cool thing about this is like that jealousy
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  Speaker 2: kink that you have. It's like something that you enjoy it.
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  Speaker 2: So it's like you know that that's something that would
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  Speaker 2: turn you on.
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  Speaker 1: But I've also had to bring it forward without shame.
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  Speaker 1: People don't talk about this stuff. That's so true. Ever
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  Speaker 1: hear anyone talk about a jealousy king. It's like a
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  Speaker 1: taboo thing to talk about. You want to talk about kinks, right,
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  Speaker 1: we want to talk about anything. No, we're talking about
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  Speaker 1: kings the other day, and like you taught me what
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  Speaker 1: to praise king, Kings King, I'm like, oh my gosh,
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  Speaker 1: I have that tell me I'm a good girl, telling
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  Speaker 1: me I'm doing things right? What else do you want
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  Speaker 1: to know? Absolutely? Absolutely we want same here. Yeah, I
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  Speaker 1: love a praise king. We love a praise king. So
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  Speaker 1: that's really cool. And this is the whole thing with
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  Speaker 1: she Rises is we want to help you shed all
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  Speaker 1: the shame. We want to have these hard conversations that
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  Speaker 1: no one else is having that seem to boo or
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  Speaker 1: seem naughty or seem wrong, because we say all the time,
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  Speaker 1: it's like, who made that wrong? Yes, who along the
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  Speaker 1: way had decided that it's wrong to want this or
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  Speaker 1: to try this, or to explore that solo with a
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  Speaker 1: partner with other people like who made it wrong?
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  Speaker 2: And the interesting thing about topics like this is that
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  Speaker 2: you know, obviously you're experiencing this and you don't really
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  Speaker 2: know how to kind of make this decision. But the
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  Speaker 2: only person who can know what feels good for you
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  Speaker 2: is going to be you, right, because yeah, like everyone
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  Speaker 2: else is going to have different levels of acceptance, comfortability,
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  Speaker 2: you know, exploration in their sexual sides, especially with their husbands,
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  Speaker 2: with the person that they've been with for the longest.
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  Speaker 2: So the only two people who can work without it
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  Speaker 2: is between you two, and I imagine that like only
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  Speaker 2: if two people are willing to come together, Yeah, communicate everything,
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  Speaker 2: be open, vulnerable. No, you go in the way, you
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  Speaker 2: can really get to the level and to the root
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  Speaker 2: of what you want to explore and how that might
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  Speaker 2: look for you.
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  Speaker 1: And if you're still not sure, I feel like I
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  Speaker 1: can relate to this in some level too, Like if
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  Speaker 1: you're still not sure you actually want to move ahead
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  Speaker 1: with doing something like this, I know for me just
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  Speaker 1: talking about it sometimes talking about it, yeah, because it's
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  Speaker 1: like my fantasy is there, we're open about it, we're
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  Speaker 1: exploring it together, we're being intimate while we're doing that,
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  Speaker 1: and then I'm like, oh, that was fun. Yeah, So
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  Speaker 1: it's like there's one thing to fantasize about. It doesn't
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  Speaker 1: mean you have to act on it, and you might
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  Speaker 1: one day, but if you're still unsure, maybe just give
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  Speaker 1: it a little bit more time. If you're doing the
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  Speaker 1: role playing, keep exploring and like having fantasy fun with him,
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  Speaker 1: and don't feel like you need to put pressure on
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  Speaker 1: having to act anything out. There's a rush that's been
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  Speaker 1: super healing for us in our friendship is like we
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  Speaker 1: talk about certain things like this, We're very open with
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  Speaker 1: our sexual communication around things that mean we may want
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  Speaker 1: to try, or fantasies that we've had, but just talking
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  Speaker 1: about it has allowed us to remove the shame around
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  Speaker 1: it and be like okay, cool, and then you know,
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  Speaker 1: we might go off and then be like cool. I
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  Speaker 1: don't even need to exclud that.
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  Speaker 2: I don't want to explore that, but having just spoken
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  Speaker 2: about it allows me to just explore it in my mind,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm like, okay, good, Yeah, so maybe that might
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  Speaker 2: be for you, or maybe you might want to explore
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  Speaker 2: it and you'll figure that out with your husband.
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  Speaker 1: I'm so curious what his thoughts will be around this, Like,
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  Speaker 1: I don't know. I can't imagine if I it said
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  Speaker 1: to Steve, like I want you to go and fuck
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  Speaker 1: another woman without me there? Yeah, I don't know. I
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  Speaker 1: think you have some resistance. I don't think you would.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah.
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  Speaker 2: And then it's also exploring okay with your partner saying oh, no, no, no,
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  Speaker 2: you is it because he's thinking, oh, this is a
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  Speaker 2: trap or you want to go yeah you know, or
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  Speaker 2: does he have his own fantasies because you don't know unless.
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  Speaker 1: You communicate them. You asked him his fantasy just says you,
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  Speaker 1: I'd so love to dig deeper on that. Yeah. I
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  Speaker 1: think anyone that says they don't have a fantasy, they
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  Speaker 1: just haven't allowed themselves to explore what that is. And
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  Speaker 1: there's shame around what that is. Sure, and one's going
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  Speaker 1: I can only speak from experience, but my fantasy that
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  Speaker 1: I've shared with Steve I just like suppressed for so
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  Speaker 1: many years. I'm like, oh, well, I shouldn't want that, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: you know, and then when I told it to him,
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  Speaker 1: it's like cool, and that's awesome. That's an interesting thing, right.
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  Speaker 2: It doesn't matter how long you've been with somebody. Sexual
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  Speaker 2: shame is sexual shame. It's heavy, it's hard, and it's
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  Speaker 2: terrifying to think that somebody may judge you for something
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  Speaker 2: off you might like, especially someone who knows you so deeply.
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  Speaker 2: So you never want to jeopardize what that person is
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  Speaker 2: going to think of you feel towards you. And sometimes
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  Speaker 2: we think that with the things that we may like
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  Speaker 2: when it comes to sex or being intimate, that that
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  Speaker 2: will change the way that people perceive us.
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  Speaker 1: That's what you don't want. It's so scary to think
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  Speaker 1: that so your husband of twenty years might look at
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  Speaker 1: you differently, but it sounds like you guys have such
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  Speaker 1: a solid foundation. I'm really excited for you guys to
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  Speaker 1: explore this, but if you're not quite ready, I wouldn't
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  Speaker 1: act on it. Yeah, I just keep doing what you're doing,
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: exploring it, because sometimes just talking about it isn't that
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  Speaker 1: bring it in here?
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  Speaker 2: If you have more that you want to share, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: you can also put another submission and we can talk
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  Speaker 2: about it deeper or.
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  Speaker 1: Drop an updates. Honestly, if you decide to go ahead,
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: you love an update of how it went down, like
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  Speaker 1: how you felt, how he felt, did it bring more
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  Speaker 1: to the bedroom? Is it something you do again?
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  Speaker 2: I'd love an update on the conversation. When did he expect?
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  Speaker 2: Did he share with you his fantasies? What that conversation
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  Speaker 2: looks like?
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  Speaker 1: And it's cool that you're sharing yours because hopefully it
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  Speaker 1: will allow him to be brave to think about his
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  Speaker 1: and share his with you as well. And then it's
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  Speaker 1: once again coming together and it's just talking about it enough. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: because no few years to me, it's been enough just
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  Speaker 1: talking about it, you know. So it's cool.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, good luck, my love, So let us know how you.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: Go yeah, update would be amazing. Sounds good guys, Bye bye,