Latest / the Unvarnished Edit / Episode 4 : Crafting Safety: Understanding Our Internal Templates

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Episode 4 : Crafting Safety: Understanding Our Internal Templates · the Unvarnished Edit

• 0:00
  Welcome to episode four of the Unvarnished Edit, where two friends talk about what it's actually like to live an adversity filled life.
• 0:08
  Be prepared to laugh, possibly cry, and swear along with us.
• 0:12
  This is Angie, and in today's episode, we discuss things we still struggle with.
• 0:16
  Even after all this time, we are glad you're here.
• 0:20
  Hello? Hello, hello from my master bedroom closet.
• 0:24
  How are you? I am doing good from the corner of my bedroom, which thank goodness.
• 0:30
  Since we have backgrounds, nobody can see the, yeah, hideous.
• 0:33
  I'm in floor to ceiling mirrors that are in here.
• 0:37
  I'm in my hidey hole.
• 0:39
  That's what I call it in my little hidey hole.
• 0:41
  I feel so safe and comfortable in here.
• 0:43
  I bet.
• 0:43
  how was your weekend? It was good.
• 0:46
  Yeah, it was good.
• 0:47
  Yeah.
• 0:47
  I had, I had all of my kids Oh my goodness.
• 0:50
  In one space.
• 0:52
  Yeah.
• 0:52
  'Cause I have one in for you all.
• 0:54
  I have, I'm in Kingman, which is in Northwestern Arizona, and then I have one in.
• 1:00
  Vegas and I have one in Prescott, and then I do just have one that's three minutes down the street from me, that I get to see all the time.
• 1:09
  I know, but I was still able to, and then of course the minor, he lives here.
• 1:13
  But was able to have all of them and my, my oldest, I was outside and he goes, oh, mom, look.
• 1:21
  He's you have all three of your kids' cars line up.
• 1:23
  I'm like, I know.
• 1:24
  I love it.
• 1:26
  That's so nice.
• 1:27
  I'm so jealous.
• 1:27
  I had an absolute opposite weekend.
• 1:30
  It was my kid free weekend I know no kids whatsoever and actually I know it was so great.
• 1:38
  It was so necessary.
• 1:40
  But I say that every kid free weekend.
• 1:42
  and it was really nice yesterday because I have the step count goal I'm trying to do this year and it's not super high.
• 1:50
  Okay.
• 1:50
  Let's be real.
• 1:51
  I'm not like trying to break any records here, but I am trying to make sure that I take.
• 1:56
  I have to put a little effort into it.
• 1:58
  Yeah.
• 1:58
  Yeah.
• 1:58
  And so usually that means around 9: 30 at night, I look at my watch and I'm like, oh my God, I gotta walk a mile.
• 2:04
  I'm, so I don't put, but yesterday I had actually ordered something from Ikea, click and collect.
• 2:11
  Like I was just gonna go park and they were gonna bring it out to me.
• 2:14
  And Michael was like, why did you do that? That's a place to get all your steps.
• 2:18
  And I was like, oh my gosh, you're right.
• 2:20
  So we went and we just walked for no purpose whatsoever.
• 2:23
  I had already purchased the thing.
• 2:25
  We just went and walked through the whole thing.
• 2:27
  So by the time it got to four o'clock yesterday, all my steps were done.
• 2:31
  All of the food was prepped, all the groceries were shopped, and I did not get off the couch, which is my default setting.
• 2:39
  Yeah.
• 2:39
  I am most comfortable rotting on the couch.
• 2:43
  Yeah.
• 2:43
  And so because of the step goal, I just can't ever do it anymore.
• 2:47
  And so it was nice to finally live the life of luxury me and my blanket, my Kindle and the TV remote.
• 2:57
  That sounds amazing.
• 2:57
  Like the queen.
• 2:58
  I am.
• 3:01
  That sounds amazing.
• 3:03
  It was, Ugh, I'm gonna have a kid for your weekend.
• 3:07
  This weekend.
• 3:09
  I just, God bless God.
• 3:10
  Yes, God bless.
• 3:12
  I usually get at least 24 hours to 36 hours once a month.
• 3:19
  Okay.
• 3:20
  Yeah.
• 3:21
  Now I look at people that like stayed married and they have their kids with them all the time.
• 3:25
  And I'm like, what? How do you do that? And when it first happened I was like, oh my God, I'm never gonna make it.
• 3:31
  How am I gonna not have my kids? And it's just to say, you just get used to what you have.
• 3:36
  You have to adjust, you have to do what you have to do.
• 3:39
  And now it's like permission to just take care of myself.
• 3:43
  So it's great.
• 3:45
  Yeah.
• 3:45
  It sounds amazing.
• 3:47
  Yeah.
• 3:48
  When we get older though too, we finally realize, I actually just read an article this weekend about why we don't have any F'S to give any longer and that it, there is actual science behind it.
• 4:02
  There's actual science behind it, and so I was like, oh yeah.
• 4:07
  Which was very comforting to me to know and is.
• 4:11
  Unintentionally.
• 4:12
  I wish I actually did that intentionally, but I didn't.
• 4:15
  But unintentionally a great kind of segue into today.
• 4:18
  Yeah.
• 4:18
  Yeah.
• 4:19
  Found the connection from our episode last week.
• 4:23
  Because we we ended on, diagnosis different.
• 4:27
  Yeah.
• 4:27
  The different ways that we look at that, we look at diagnosis, but in addition to that is, how important it was to learn why our bodies respond the way that our bodies respond.
• 4:39
  And going into this week, I wanted to explain to all of you some of the terms sometimes that I have come to use yeah.
• 4:49
  When we have these conversations because like neurobiologically maybe what is that lady talking about? And it's the way that, it's the way that our body actually responds with our stress hormones, with our, happy hormones, all of those pieces, but literally how our stress response is.
• 5:06
  Yeah.
• 5:06
  Is set and I will refer to a lot of the times is our safety template.
• 5:12
  And for me, girl, for me, the way that, like even the conversation of safety template ever came up that I even started using it in training and things was really me understanding and like really understanding.
• 5:30
  Every single reason that my body responds the way it does is to keep me safe and to keep me alive, and that I have created this template as a child and that we all do as humans because this is legitimately how we are designed to respond to life.
• 5:52
  And that every single thing we do.
• 5:57
  Originates at our safety template, which can feel super daunting, but also super empowering at the same time.
• 6:06
  Yes.
• 6:06
  The first time I ever heard you talk about the safety template was a truly wild experience for me because we were in a training together and I, we were doing a training of the trainer.
• 6:21
  So I'm there in a professional sense to co-facilitate a training and handle the chat and handle like these backend things.
• 6:31
  And you start talking about this and it is like one of those moments that happen to, to me every once in a while where all of the conversations I've been having and all of the things that I've been learning coalesce into a, I don't have aha moments.
• 6:49
  I have holy shit moments.
• 6:52
  Yeah.
• 6:53
  And so I'm hearing you talk about it.
• 6:56
  I'm recognizing and understanding what my safety template is almost immediately, and I finally have the language for it and trying to maintain a professional presence right in the training where I'm like typing and inside my brain, I'm like, holy shit.
• 7:14
  holy shit, I wanna forget to have a break soon because I need to really open my journal right now.
• 7:19
  It was like when you finally are given the language for something that defines what you feel is tremendous.
• 7:28
  So yeah.
• 7:30
  Yeah.
• 7:30
  Say it.
• 7:31
  Give it to us.
• 7:33
  Us.
• 7:33
  I love, one, I love that.
• 7:35
  Two, I had no clue that was going on.
• 7:37
  And I am sorry.
• 7:38
  Probably should have had that conversation like outside of training, but we all know that life happens the way that life happens.
• 7:44
  Yeah.
• 7:45
  But yes.
• 7:48
  That's literally So I can back up a bit even talking about talking about all of this, right? We were talking, we've talked about therapy, we've talked about some of the experiences that we've had in life.
• 8:01
  It's not new.
• 8:02
  If you're, if this is the first time you're hearing us we've been through a lot of shit.
• 8:07
  And yeah, for both of us, it started in childhood and I continue to, see posts and see memes, and see papers and all of the things of we can't always blame our childhood.
• 8:22
  And it has, this is, that is not the conversation we are having right now.
• 8:27
  The conversation that we are having is the fact that the way that we are designed.
• In our system.
• The way that when I use the word system, I am talking about our human system.
• 8:39
  Every individual has a whole entire system because I call it that because all of the things work together, right? Like our heart and our brain and our lungs, and all of the functions.
• 8:51
  Are working together in order for us to be here in this moment, having this conversation and what informed all of that was literally all of our experiences at the very beginning of life because that's how we're designed.
• 9:07
  We're designed to one, survive this place and two, to make things as safe as possible around us.
• 9:18
  Even in the most chaotic of situations growing up, our brain has to say, okay, this is safe, because we don't have any control to change anything.
• 9:30
  And because as children, we don't have any control to change anything.
• 9:35
  We have to make that environment safe, right? It has to look safe to us.
• 9:40
  And so we all have this safety template and with my husband was premature and then he was in what was considered like the nicu back in the mid sixties for a couple months.
• 9:55
  Wow.
• 9:55
  He to this day, he's I don't know why it is he cannot do white lights.
• 9:59
  And I was like, I know why you can't do white lights.
• 10:03
  Yeah.
• 10:03
  You can't do white lights because the first three months of your life, you literally fought to be in this place.
• 10:11
  And back in the mid sixties, NICUs were totally different than they are now.
• 10:16
  Yeah.
• 10:16
  Like the babies did not get the touch that they normally did.
• 10:20
  They were literally left alone in their little incubators.
• 10:24
  And there's all this harsh lighting, harsh white lighting all around them and lots of scary things happened and you were a baby and they literally thought that you wouldn't remember it anyway, so it didn't make a difference.
• 10:36
  Yeah.
• 10:36
  But your body remembers everything and everything, and your body has absorbed every story that it is seen, because all it's trying to do is keep you safe and it needs all that data and it needs all of that information.
• 10:50
  In order to keep us safe.
• 10:52
  And that becomes our safety template, and that is, that's where everything originates from and we can change what, we can change that template over time, thank goodness.
• 11:06
  Like with neuroplasticity and, creating new pathways to.
• 11:15
  To feel, safe enough in this place.
• 11:18
  And we can also, use the languaging on this is what I need in my life right now to feel safe enough to be able to like, interact in life and be able to have relationship.
• 11:32
  Yeah.
• 11:32
  Be able to have kind of those, those conversations and.
• 11:38
  Whenever I'm able to literally boil it all the way down to connect to, our last conversation too is, with my bonus daughter having that conversation, it was, me saying to her like, I needed to know why do I respond this way? And not even respond, why do I react this way? Why does my body react this way? Because, yeah, I have these tools.
• 12:01
  But I didn't know why I continued to react and I was so reactive that I just, I was a yeller.
• 12:09
  So many things.
• 12:10
  I'm not like looking back, not even remotely proud of the way, that I've handled situations with my children and things that I've done, and this little girl who's known me for six years now was sitting there and her eyes were all wide and she's I can't even see you yelling.
• 12:29
  You're so calm all the time.
• 12:32
  And I'm like, oh, kiddo.
• 12:34
  Oh, first of all, it all just happens inside because I've recognized it's me.
• 12:41
  And it's my responses and it actually usually has nothing to do with any of you.
• 12:46
  It has everything to do with how I'm feeling in the moment, all the things that are on my plate, whatever it is.
• 12:53
  And so I'm able to now have all of those internal conversation.
• 12:57
  Yeah.
• 12:57
  Instead of that like automatic reaction to the point that she was like, what do you mean you are a yeller? My older kids are, can be like, oh no.
• 13:08
  That lady's crazy.
• 13:13
  Like she's done lost her mind.
• 13:14
  Yeah.
• 13:15
  And I was like no, 'cause we actually have, your dad has said it and Jacen knows that.
• 13:20
  You know when mom gets to the point where she's about to lose it, there is a phrase that always comes out of my mouth.
• 13:27
  And that phrase is for the love of God and all things holy.
• 13:34
  Once that phrase is uttered, that's like the last man standing.
• 13:38
  That's my last, that's my last patience.
• 13:42
  That's my last warning.
• 13:43
  That's, that is the Rubicon is about to be crossed.
• 13:49
  Yeah, it can go so many different ways, but what having that knowledge helped for me is not even is yes.
• 13:58
  About myself, but also just about others.
• 14:02
  Yeah.
• 14:03
  Is understanding that like we all are just trying to be safe and whatever that behavior is, especially like with my kids and like with other kids and things is.
• 14:16
  That behavior to you may look bad, but that behavior is what has been keeping them safe.
• 14:24
  Yeah.
• 14:25
  Yeah.
• 14:25
  We see that in trainings a lot.
• 14:27
  What looks like a problem for you is a solution for someone else.
• 14:31
  And that is really eye-opening.
• 14:33
  Yeah.
• 14:33
  If we can zoom out enough to say, okay, like I'll just use myself as an example, if someone around me can.
• 14:42
  Maybe my husband or someone that's really close to me can zoom out enough to say, okay, Jaelene's being incredibly quiet.
• 14:49
  Quiet right now.
• 14:50
  This is very difficult for me.
• 14:52
  But it is serving some kind of purpose for her.
• 14:54
  Yeah, and just viewing it as that instead of a personal.
• 15:01
  Attack.
• 15:01
  Yes.
• 15:02
  Yes.
• 15:03
  And if I can do that for someone else if I can say, wow, he's just being really fidgety right now and it's driving me crazy, why can't he just sit down and watch this TV show with me? If I could just view that as.
• 15:16
  This seems problematic for me, but this is serving a purpose for him.
• 15:20
  Something's going on that's that this, that it is meeting that need.
• 15:23
  It would be so much easier to have relationship conversations.
• 15:27
  If we could view things in that way.
• 15:29
  But yeah, we have to first of all have the language and the knowledge and the self-awareness and like that space in between thought and action of just the more we can expand that space of.
• 15:44
  I feel irritated right now.
• 15:46
  Let me just think about it for a minute and then react instead of just that immediateness.
• 15:52
  Yeah.
• 15:53
  Yeah.
• 15:54
  And I needed to know where this all comes right? Is I need to know is why is there still that immediateness even with everything that I already know? I know all this stuff logically, I've read a lot, I've been through a lot.
• 16:07
  I've, tried all of these different things and yet it is my body's immediate response.
• 16:16
  And I don't have control over that immediate response.
• 16:20
  The only thing I have control over is what I do after that immediate response, which is why, she can say, I, I didn't even realize that you were like that.
• 16:28
  Yeah, it's still going on.
• 16:30
  But I have I have.
• 16:33
  Processes and I have routines and I have, and why did I all, why do I need all these routines and why do I need, right? Like why does this morning have to look like this? Why do I stay in the exact same hotel room? Literally there's I know you do one space of the hotel that I can stay at the exact same space.
• 16:53
  I have to go down to Phoenix next week, and the hotel that I normally stay at is $430 a night and where any sane normal person would go when the average is $110 a night to, we need to get a different hotel.
• 17:15
  That was not my immediate your immediate was like, oh, how can guess we're blowing our budget.
• 17:20
  Yeah.
• 17:20
  How can I make $400 work? No Ang, we can do a different hotel.
• 17:28
  Okay, but now we need these criteria, right? Because I know what my immediate response is, right? And so I'm like able to respond, but before then, I just would shame the hell out of my immediate response.
• 17:44
  And so all of these things still show up in my life all the time.
• 17:51
  Yeah.
• 17:52
  I, same, we just had that conversation, earlier this morning personally of my immediate, my automatic go-to is this.
• 17:59
  And I have to actively and intentionally work to not go back to my.
• 18:06
  Default safety template because in that place is where I feel the safest.
• 18:13
  It may not be the safest.
• 18:15
  Yeah.
• 18:16
  Isn't it that wild? What your body and brain sometimes makes you do? Is not always indicative of what's actually going on.
• 18:28
  Yeah.
• 18:29
  Isn't that crazy? Yeah.
• 18:32
  Isn't that crazy? It's making me think of like how last time I was talking our last conversation, I was talking about how when I know when I am lying to my therapist that there's something going on, right? That's a version of me being quiet.
• 18:45
  Is not saying certain things, withholding information.
• 18:49
  And I have learned to, instead of forcing myself to tell her the truth, or just feeling really shitty about myself because I just lied to my therapist, I have learned to say, I really feel the urge to not tell you the truth right now.
• 19:05
  So we need to talk about this some other time.
• 19:07
  Like I've developed the ability to be able to do that with her.
• 19:11
  I'm still working on, so this shows up for me in lots of different ways.
• 19:15
  I'm still working on how to manage it in my relationship.
• 19:19
  Yeah, because as yeah.
• 19:21
  I'm in a healthy relationship for in, in a romantic sense for the first time ever.
• 19:27
  And it's really hard to be in an extremely healthy relationship with a very mentally healthy person and not have all the coping skills to pull all of that together yet.
• 19:40
  Right? I don't have the skills though, because I've never had this opportunity before.
• 19:44
  I've never been able to do this before.
• 19:45
  With a person that.
• 19:47
  I trust and that is like really there for me.
• 19:51
  And so I find myself in this space a lot when we talk about how does this show up? When I get challenged in my relationship, I find myself very quiet very often.
• 20:03
  Then I realize I'm doing it and I overcorrect by aggressively saying what I need.
• 20:11
  Because I don't know how to ask for it any other way.
• 20:13
  But I've never done it.
• 20:15
  I have never advocated for myself in very many, in a lot of different ways.
• 20:19
  And so I get super quiet and then I get very mad at myself because I'm doing it.
• 20:26
  I remind myself that I'm with someone who can handle it, and I just spurt out the craziest, most aggressive demands ever.
• 20:33
  And then I have to dial it back.
• 20:35
  It's so much work that, and I'm like, why? How It's so much work.
• 20:38
  How am I not Yes.
• 20:40
  Figuring this out yet.
• 20:42
  Ugh.
• 20:44
  And I will remind you, which I have in the past, but I do it because I also need the reminders regularly is when we have done something some way for.
• 20:54
  Five decades.
• 20:56
  Yes.
• 20:56
  There's been decades of this behavior that we are now trying to do something different because we have the opportunity, you and I being in that kind of same position that just in the very, this last couple years of our lives of being in a healthy relationship for the first time.
• 21:14
  Yeah.
• 21:14
  And, and it's one thing when you're, just working on yourself and trying to figure out what does that mean in this life and how do I, go about and then.
• 21:25
  Try to do that in relationship with someone.
• 21:28
  Yeah, it is is hard.
• 21:29
  And we have the ex expectation that because we know better, we should immediately do better.
• 21:35
  Yeah.
• 21:35
  And I think that comes down to that quote that we always say at the trainings is, once we know better, we do better.
• 21:40
  Like it's something easy oh, we just need to have this knowledge and boom.
• 21:46
  We're gonna be different.
• 21:48
  And that's not the case.
• 21:49
  No.
• 21:49
  No.
• 21:50
  It takes practice.
• 21:51
  Yes, it takes practice.
• 21:53
  It takes active, intentional work a lot of the times.
• 21:57
  Yeah.
• 21:57
  And which, which kind of leads us into what does progress look like? Yeah.
• 22:03
  You know what? It's one time.
• 22:05
  One time I gave Michael the silent treatment and I didn't even know I was doing it.
• 22:10
  I don't know.
• 22:11
  I'm doing it when I'm doing it.
• 22:13
  Yeah.
• 22:13
  Yeah.
• 22:13
  And it had been like a day, and it's my new version of the silent treatment.
• 22:17
  I will ask to pass the salt, but I will have no.
• 22:21
  Emotional conversation.
• 22:22
  No real conversation.
• 22:24
  Yeah.
• 22:24
  And I didn't even know I was doing it.
• 22:25
  I knew I was mad at him.
• 22:26
  But I didn't realize how quiet I was being, and he came over to me and he said, this doesn't feel good.
• 22:33
  Oh, this feels really bad.
• 22:36
  And we have to talk about why you're upset because I can't ha, I can't, I need you to talk to me.
• 22:42
  Yeah.
• 22:42
  This feels so bad.
• 22:44
  And I was like, Hey, you're allowed to do that.
• 22:47
  You're allowed to just go to someone and say what you're doing right now, kindly.
• 22:52
  Yeah.
• 22:52
  So kindly.
• 22:54
  He was so sincere and loving.
• 22:56
  Yeah.
• 22:57
  And he was like, you're obviously mad.
• 22:59
  I don't like this.
• 23:00
  Please help me make this better.
• 23:01
  What did I do? Help me fix this.
• 23:03
  And I was like, whoa, this is I had no idea that you could go to someone and very kindly and lovingly say.
• 23:13
  I am so hurt.
• 23:15
  How can we fix this? And like for me, seeing that in practice in someone else helps me see what progress looks like.
• 23:23
  Yes.
• 23:24
  Yeah.
• 23:25
  I, for me, progress is first of all recognizing that I'm doing it and faster.
• 23:33
  So the right, it used to be months.
• 23:36
  When I say being quiet, in that sense, it looks like not texting my friends as much disappearing, withholding information.
• 23:43
  Isolating sometimes.
• 23:45
  It used to be I could go months before I realized I was doing it.
• 23:49
  Sometimes I wouldn't realize I was doing it until I.
• 23:54
  Got on antidepressants and I could look backwards.
• 23:57
  And then it shrunk down to weeks and now it days and sometimes it's even hours.
• 24:01
  And so that for me is progress when I can recognize that I'm doing it.
• 24:06
  That's what progress looks like to me.
• 24:09
  Yeah.
• 24:11
  Same.
• 24:11
  Yeah.
• 24:11
  It is, the progress is recognizing it sooner and, being able to have a different response.
• 24:21
  Yeah.
• 24:21
  Like one that's and they don't necessarily happen simultaneously, like at the beginning.
• 24:29
  It is just recognizing it sooner.
• 24:32
  Yeah.
• 24:33
  Oh, this may I'm doing this.
• 24:37
  Yeah, I'm doing this here.
• 24:38
  I'm again.
• 24:38
  Okay.
• 24:39
  Okay.
• 24:39
  Okay.
• 24:40
  And.
• 24:43
  Knowing that is progress.
• 24:45
  Not having like shame in it and kicking myself like, I cannot believe that I'm doing this again.
• 24:51
  Or why am I, is more of okay, here we are.
• 24:56
  Like I recognize I've done this.
• 24:58
  Being able to make a repair on it, right? Yeah.
• 25:01
  That's a progress.
• 25:05
  I don't know, I hope.
• 25:08
  Over time that there is no lag time.
• 25:18
  I don't know if that's lag.
• 25:20
  I don't know if that's actually ever gonna be the case, where there's absolutely no lag time at all.
• 25:26
  Yeah.
• 25:27
  I don't know for actually designed for that.
• 25:29
  Because there can be times where, the lag time is super short, but then it just means that the, it's still there.
• 25:38
  Yeah.
• 25:38
  I, it's a physical feeling for me, right? I feel a physical feeling like where it's literally like doors are closing.
• 25:46
  I can't envision a future where I never have that physical feeling.
• 25:53
  Yeah.
• 25:54
  I think.
• 25:55
  The what would, I don't even wanna say the best.
• 25:58
  I could hope for, because that sounds wrong.
• 26:00
  Because I think it would be fantastic if I got to a point where I could feel the physical feeling and I could say to my spouse the same thing I say to my therapist, i'm feeling really these doors are closing, something's going on, we gotta talk about this later.
• 26:17
  Yeah.
• 26:17
  That would be monumental for me.
• 26:20
  Yeah.
• 26:21
  To be able to say that knowing that I'm in a relationship with the safest person I could be with.
• 26:28
  I feel like I have a responsibility to him for the way he shows up, for me to strive for that.
• 26:35
  Yeah.
• 26:35
  Like that's my goal with him.
• 26:37
  In the rest of the world.
• 26:38
  I don't know.
• 26:40
  Yeah.
• 26:41
  I don't know what, what, honestly, rightfully so progress or victory would look like in the rest of the world.
• 26:50
  Yeah.
• 26:50
  For me, progress with the rest of the world would be able to be in the rest of the world.
• 26:55
  Yeah.
• 26:56
  Yeah.
• 26:57
  Not that we're not, but maybe with less effects, but I think that kind of goes back to like when you realized, putting your headphones in.
• 27:03
  Yeah.
• 27:04
  When you go into those spaces, like progress also looks like incorporating, new tools.
• 27:13
  Yeah.
• 27:15
  That help to keep us safe so that we don't get to the point where we are so out of our window, and we're so out of our capacity.
• 27:26
  That the default shows up.
• 27:27
  That the default shows up.
• 27:29
  What are we doing? And I think this is, part of just even being a woman and society expectations and honestly the way that we grew up and the expectations of what it looked like to be a woman and what it looked like to be a wife, what it looked like to be a mother, yes, we have the conversations and we hear it all of our, put your oxygen mask on first.
• 27:53
  And honestly, it feels so tiresome in it.
• 27:57
  But having the, having that conversation in the way that it in just creating capacity, that's how I look at things.
• 28:05
  Yeah.
• 28:06
  Is okay, so what do I know? What do I need to do? That creates more capacity for me so that I can continue to do all of the things.
• 28:16
  And maybe that does look like, opening up and having a conversation with somebody instead of letting myself continue to run at the highest capacity possible where I just burnout, which is what I did for decades of my life.
• 28:32
  Yeah.
• 28:33
  Yeah.
• 28:33
  And I know we're gonna talk about regulation.
• 28:35
  This looks like taking care of me.
• 28:36
  Taking care of me, and I know we're gonna this leading fantastically into regulation.
• 28:40
  This is such important information to understand where your reactions are coming from and that you can help.
• 28:46
  Yeah, you can help yourself.
• 28:48
  You can help yourself.
• 28:49
  Yeah.
• 28:50
  Yeah.
• 28:51
  Yes.
• 28:53
  All of that, like the, your body is responding.
• 28:56
  Actually appropriately for the experiences that you have been through, there's nothing wrong with you.
• 29:03
  Do you want to react in a different way? Do you want the ability to respond instead of react? Yeah, absolutely.
• 29:11
  Those are our responsibilities, but our body is responding, the reacting the way that it does.
• 29:18
  Because of the experiences that we've gone through.
• 29:21
  Yeah.
• 29:21
  And that has been what has worked.
• 29:24
  And yes, the hypervigilance, it's, of if you knew the stories Right, of course they're gonna be hypervigilant.
• 29:32
  Yeah.
• 29:32
  Like that just, it makes it makes so much sense.
• 29:35
  And neurobiology and understanding that all our stress system runs the show people.
• 29:43
  So speaking of nervous system, running the show, what do you do to regulate? What is your go-to? What are your top, just did it.
• 29:53
  Yeah.
• 29:54
  Breathing.
• 29:54
  Breathing.
• 29:55
  I know it sounds so cliche.
• 29:58
  But breathing first is my first absolute go-to.
• 30:03
  And then I have other processes built into a routine within the day.
• 30:13
  For example, like.
• 30:14
  Eating lunch and not working, like just eating lunch.
• 30:19
  I have to actively work to take care of myself.
• 30:25
  Yeah.
• 30:25
  So like when it comes to like my go-to regulation is more protective factors when it comes to the point that I'm dysregulated, what do I need to do? Time out and breathing.
• 30:41
  You are, in a very different space, which is why I love talking to you about this stuff because you're much further down the road in really doing that proactive regulation.
• 30:54
  Which is the same as protective factors, that's proactive regulation.
• 30:57
  You're much.
• 30:59
  You've gotten your, you're down to a science right? And you are very routine oriented.
• 31:05
  And I see that in you all the time.
• 31:08
  I'm not really there yet.
• 31:11
  I know what works well for me.
• 31:13
  I don't have it incorporated in my schedule very often.
• 31:17
  Yeah.
• 31:17
  As often, like I know that I will have a much better day if I.
• 31:22
  Wake up and don't get on my phone immediately.
• 31:25
  If I write in my journal, if I do intentional breath work or meditation and I go on a walk, I know all of those things are critical and I know that they will change my day.
• 31:35
  Do I do them? Not with regularity, but I am getting better at dialing back the dysregulation.
• 31:42
  I notice it sooner when I'm starting to get out of pocket and I've started, I'll just go lay down and breathe for a little bit, or I'll go outside like I'm starting to build.
• 31:53
  I think that to me seems like the first logical step.
• 31:57
  If somebody were gonna say, okay, how do I take better care of myself? It's to, first of all, start paying attention to when you don't feel right.
• 32:05
  Adjust that.
• 32:07
  Then you start to recognize the situations that put you in that spot.
• 32:10
  And how to manage whether or not you're in that situation better.
• 32:15
  I think engaging in that order, right? Of helps would help if someone were gonna say like, how do I do this? What are you even talking about? It would be like, start to notice.
• 32:26
  When you need some care, give yourself the care and then think about, okay, what made me feel like that? And work backwards.
• 32:35
  That's how I view it.
• 32:36
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 32:37
  Absolutely.
• 32:39
  And I'm in this space with two decades literally, of intentional work on specifically body stuff.
• 32:52
  And thoughts, in the thing.
• 32:54
  Solid two decades, and within those two decades, it has looked like burnout.
• 33:00
  It has looked like shingles.
• 33:03
  It has looked like, at one point I had inflammation that my, like my ankles and my feet were just twice the size that they were supposed to be, but there was nothing wrong with me.
• 33:16
  It was just my stress response system.
• 33:19
  Yeah.
• 33:19
  Responding, right? Yeah.
• 33:20
  Like I have taken myself to physiological shutdown and physiological illness so many times, and I'm not even saying that I, that.
• 33:35
  I'll, it'll never be like that again.
• 33:37
  I hope it doesn't.
• 33:38
  Like I, I hope, but I have learned that every time that I have stopped intentionally putting it in my day, that I get sick.
• 33:52
  Yeah.
• 33:53
  That I get sick.
• 33:54
  And so it's actually selfish Jaelene because.
• 33:57
  I have so much on my plate, I can't afford to be sick.
• 34:00
  So is that really regulation or is it just trying to survive? Solid question.
• 34:05
  Solid question.
• 34:06
  But if it keeps me regulated? Okay.
• 34:09
  I dunno.
• 34:10
  Take the win.
• 34:15
  I think a really good place to start, and I give this advice often and I try and take it myself, is engage in regulation when you don't need it.
• 34:24
  Yes.
• 34:25
  Don't wait until you're in Crisis And I just view it as practice.
• 34:31
  I really like to do box breathing.
• 34:33
  That's my personal favorite.
• 34:35
  And I like to do it in, I just learned recently to do a box breathing pyramid where I start with a count of four and then 5, 6, 7, 6, 5, 4.
• 34:45
  So it's this whole process.
• 34:47
  It takes, it only takes me like.
• 34:49
  Two minutes maybe.
• 34:50
  I just started doing that when I don't need it.
• 34:53
  So that my body knows how to do it and so that my brain knows it's available.
• 35:00
  Yes.
• 35:01
  And there's a couple, if someone listening to this is I don't even know how to breathe.
• 35:06
  I don't know a regulation, I don't know what you're talking about.
• 35:08
  There's so many places if you are really interested in it.
• 35:11
  You could easily Google emotional regulation exercises and you would be inundated with information, right? So there's so much available.
• 35:19
  It's hard to say, wait, it's what works for you.
• 35:23
  It's what really feels right for you.
• 35:25
  For some people it's music, movement, breathing, praying, journaling.
• 35:30
  Crying, laughing, anything that is a release.
• 35:35
  I always say whatever makes your heart happy.
• 35:37
  Yeah.
• 35:38
  It makes your heart happy.
• 35:39
  'cause like sometimes my regulation is getting a Starbucks tea.
• 35:46
  Or a Dutch Brothers coffee and I'm so excited and it, and what it really physiologically does for me is my body takes a breath.
• 35:58
  Yeah.
• 35:59
  Yeah.
• 35:59
  'cause I'm just so excited for a break.
• 36:03
  A reward.
• 36:03
  Yeah.
• 36:03
  That treat a little, treat that reward.
• 36:05
  Yeah.
• 36:05
  Whatever that is, it's like I love it.
• 36:08
  It tastes yummy.
• 36:09
  And for a moment I can be like this.
• 36:15
  Yeah.
• 36:17
  I love this.
• 36:19
  And intentionally slowing down.
• 36:23
  You have gotten me addicted to that Dutch Brothers drink, by the way.
• 36:27
  There's two things about Dutch Bros that I just can't manage.
• 36:31
  It's that the line is so long and those people are so fucking happy all the time.
• 36:36
  I know and I'm like, first of all, from my HR background, I appreciate the skill there.
• 36:42
  You guys have a hiring process that beats none other 'cause you can go to any Dutch brothers and the employees are the same.
• 36:49
  So your template, stick with it.
• 36:52
  You guys have it down pat, but I don't wanna talk to you.
• 36:55
  And so I have started ordering ahead on the app.
• 36:58
  I park and I walk to go pick up my coffee.
• 37:02
  If you guys are listening to this and you want to emotionally regulate, you have options.
• 37:07
  You can breathe, you can laugh with a friend, or you can go get a hazelnut truffle mocha at your local Dutch brothers.
• 37:16
  If you're introverted, order ahead on the app.
• 37:18
  Then you just walk up to the window and your interaction is still going to be cheery, but it'll be much shorter.
• 37:24
  Much shorter, and there you go.
• 37:26
  That's the advice I have for you.
• 37:29
  That is like super solid advice.
• 37:31
  I think that is, yeah, I think that's a good way to wrap up today.
• 37:36
  Yeah.
• 37:36
  And then maybe go and get myself one after, possibly after the morning we've had.
• 37:43
  I think so.
• 37:43
  Think we deserve it.
• 37:44
  Maybe a Jimmy John's sub.
• 37:47
  Ooh, I know.
• 37:48
  That's living on the wild side.
• 37:52
  Alright, talk to you later.
• 37:54
  Bye.
• 37:57
  Thank you so much for joining us today.
• 37:58
  If this has been impactful for you, please like and subscribe and share with someone you think would like to hear this.
• 38:04
  We will be back next week where we will discuss showing up even if you do not feel like it.